House Cleaning Rules?

[shortchica]

Hey everyone, update from my last post a month ago regarding getting my boyfriend to contribute to cleaning.

 

I wrote a letter a few weeks ago explaining my feelings about the matter, which conveniently got wiped when my computer decided to restart on its own. Awesome! I've decided to just talk about it with him face-to-face, despite how defensive he can get, because I just don't want to type that letter again...

 

Now that our dog sitting is over and our puppy is old enough to not require constant attention, he's out of excuses for why he can't contribute. After coming home to a pig sty yesterday (he was at a baseball game with his dad when I came home from work to trash on the kitchen counter, an unmade bed now full of dog hair, boxes of auction crap on the living room floor), it was the kick in the pants to get me to decide it's time for me to sit him down and discuss this issue. I came up with a simple list of chores and divided them up between us based on frequency and the amount of time to complete. Some chores are daily, some are weekly, and some are monthly. It averages out to 30 minutes per day for each of us, which I think is pretty reasonable. I compromised on a lot of things like cleaning the window sills and the ceiling fan blades because I wanted to ease into this "chore chart" mentality and not overwhelm him. When assigning the chores, I picked for him what he'd be good at and took the things he absolutely hates doing, and rather than assign him a chore he would refuse to do, I took on an extra 5 minutes per day. Seems like a fair compromise to me.

 

Should I see which ones he'd rather do before assigning chores, or would that just be an opportunity for him to decide he doesn't want to do anything? I feel I know him well enough to pick for him, but will the lack of choice make him less apt to jump on board? Are these rules too strict?

 

1. Daily chores are to be completed by 9pm each day.

2. Weekly chores are to be completed by 9pm each Sunday.

3. Biweekly chores are to be completed by 9pm every other Sunday.

4. Monthly chores are to be completed by 9pm on the last day of the month.

5. A completed chore is marked with a check. A chore left incomplete by 9pm will be marked with an X. The person who left a chore undone will have to make up for it by completing a daily chore for the other person the next day. (Example: a person who did not wipe down the kitchen counters on Tuesday will add straightening up the living room to Wednesday’s chores)

 

Whoever doesn’t cook dinner is responsible for doing the dishes from dinner. Dishes are to be completed before dinner the next night. Any dishes dirtied independently (when the other person is not home) are that person’s responsibility to be cleaned by 9pm that night.

 

 

I hate that it's come to this, but I think it may be the only way to get through to him. I'm going to let him know that if he can't pull it together and contribute around the house, I will be finding my own place to live. I'm open to other ways of achieving this, but I felt that a piece of paper showing the day's responsibilities and holding each other accountable for missing a chore is the best way to go about it. This way, it sort of becomes a game in trying to find something the other person missed so you get one less chore the next day. I dunno, it sounded good to me.

 

 

What do you think? Please don't comment unless you've read my previous post on the matter. This sounds like something a control freak would do, but I swear to you drastic measures are warranted. It's not something I can simply say "pick up after yourself and I'll pick up after myself," because it goes one ear and out the other. I don't want to end the relationship and I don't want to move out, but SOMETHING needs to be done. Suggestions?

[ChiBrunette]

I would talk to him before I layed down a strict and set schedule.

My live in is the wife in our relationship. LOL He stays home and cooks and cleans, and I go to work every day (how it came to be this way... lol i dont know)

 

Open the discussion, tell him he needs to pull his weight, start cleaning, and then bring up suggestions like organizing a chart on the fridge or casually suggest assigning tasks to days to make it easier and more efficient...

 

But to just go at him with that schedule.. that may push some anger out.

[redswim30]

I read your other posts, and I think your issues with each other run far deeper than cleaning. That should be the least of your concerns.

 

He is 40. So, his cleaning habits aren't likely to change anytime soon. He's set in his ways. I'm sorry but I highly doubt that "spelling it out for him" in chart form is going to help. This is yet another way he shows you that he does not respect you. Why are you afraid to leave him? Your posts don't suggest a happy and healthy relationship. You are still very young, and if I were you I'd be very carefully of "settling down" too soon.

 

If I were you, I'd leave this relationship and see what else is out there. Please don't waste your life 'waiting for him to change". I'm sorry to tell you I don't think that will happen. Nothing you say, do, hint at, or suggest is going to change him.

He has to do it, and frankly it doesn't sound like he wants to. If someone won't change- you have two choices. Deal with it or leave.

[jenny_mcs]

Why are you spending the time to exhaustively type up all these rules and regulations when you know your bf will ignore them? He has told you he doesn't clean and doesn't plan on changing.

 

And I agree with redswim...I read a bunch of your other posts and a cleaning schedule is the least of your problems. Your bf is a lazy bum who treats you terribly and has zero respect for you. Some day when you have finally left him you will look back and want to kick yourself for staying as long as you did.

[abitbroken]

He already told you very clearly that he JUST DOES NOT CLEAN. I am not saying that its right for him not to clean, but because he refuses, you have to make a choice. Either you do all the cleaning, you get a maid service twice a month to help with the heavy cleaning, you live in a pig sty or you leave him. What is ideal for him is a woman who has an OCD cleaning habit or is terribly codependent and makes herself needed by doing everything for him, pulling the martyr speech until he is dismissive of her and start it all over again.

[DancingFool]

I say go for it. It seems like you have to learn this the hard way, by trying everything and exhausting ALL your options before you can finally face and accept who he is.

[itsallgrand]

I think it is ridiculous. If he is really that much of a baby that he can't clean up after himself, skip the Mommy List and just get right to the "I can not live like this. So. Would you prefer to clean or for me to move out?".

 

And even then, you would have to accept that this is never going to be a man who is self motivated to clean, and his standards will most likely fall way below your par. He just doesn't care. He doesn't have that sense of pride in pulling his own weight around the house, in taking care of himself and you in that way.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he is a little bit sexist too. "men don't clean; men work in the yard. Women clean, cook, bake, and take care of the babies."

 

So imagine if you had kids with him. lol. You would pretty much be like a live in slave. Nice.

[hers]

1. Daily chores are to be completed by 9pm each day.

2. Weekly chores are to be completed by 9pm each Sunday.

3. Biweekly chores are to be completed by 9pm every other Sunday.

4. Monthly chores are to be completed by 9pm on the last day of the month.

5. A completed chore is marked with a check. A chore left incomplete by 9pm will be marked with an X. The person who left a chore undone will have to make up for it by completing a daily chore for the other person the next day. (Example: a person who did not wipe down the kitchen counters on Tuesday will add straightening up the living room to Wednesday’s chores)

 

 

Or what? Or you'll ground him? Take away his car privileges? Tell him he can't go to the prom? If you have to act like someone's mom, the relationship is already doomed.

 

I read your "list" to my husband just now, with no backstory whatsoever, and he said "Yea, that relationship is done."

 

You may need to accept that.

[Ms Darcy]

I like organizing and even I find that schedule super strict. I don't think someone who flat out refuses to clean would take that well. Now, if he forget chores often, then I could support the list. But this is you turning into the home cop without talking to him about the chores that need to be done.

 

It suggests there is going to be a fight.

 

I agree that this relationship is not what you want in life.

[HeartGoesOn]

Does an allowance come with that?

 

Seriously, you can't program him in order to meet your standards. If you're unable to resolve your issues in an adult way, it's time to throw in the towel, and move on.

[catfeeder]

You're positioning yourself in the most unsexy and counter-productive role you could possibly take on--his parent.

 

And what do kids eventually do with 'authority figures' when they figure out that compliance is a bore? They rebel. They get resentful and sneaky and passive aggressive if not outright aggressive, they plot and plan to buck 'the system' until they can bust out on their own.

 

You forgot to schedule that part in there.

 

You're better off bribing him with something he wants from you in exchange for each instance of whatever you want from him, "I'll bake your favorite lasagna today if you'll change the sheets and do a load of laundry."

 

Otherwise, go on strike. Throw all his things in a bin in his closet, clean 'around' him as it pleases you, and don't cook for him or do his laundry until he's ready to negotiate.

 

Head high.

[Batya33]

I agree that the schedule makes no sense for all the reasons people described. I like the get a cleaning service or go on strike options. (and that is written without regard to whether at bottom this relationship is worth continuinng)