BigKK and his overthinking, here we go...

[BigKK]

Had an active weekend, played tennis...today I went on a two hour bike ride and luckily I finished studying beforehand...because afterwards I felt like doing nothing. I ordered some thai food and managed to pick it up. Started watching a movie and didn't really get into it.

 

Miss K sent me some places she's looking at and wanted my advice on the units themselves and the area, and I gave her my input. Just to be sure, I don't go with her and the realtor right? I am not purchasing so I don't know if as boyfriend I accompany her. It's almost like I don't want to sway her either way so she's happy with her decision. If she asks me I suppose I'd join her, but almost considered making myself unavailable? I Dunno... any advice? I like that she respects my opinion and asks for it, but since it's all her I don't want it to ever comeback that I swayed her one way or the other, I can go for emotional support I guess? haha

 

 

I didn't get into one of my classes, I was waitlisted as #3 and they took #2 and #1 Kind of bummed, I might try to take it at another school tomorrow, but the times kind of conflict...so we'll see what I end up doing. On the bright side, I am way ahead on studying and homework, etc. Granted it's only a week in, I gotta stay ontop of it. 4.0 or bust!!

[faraday]

I would tell her that you don't want to sway her, and suggest she take a gf. Tell her you'll go as a silent support if needed

 

That's tricky...because if you favour anything, and you don't work out...you might hear, "I bought this place for us (eventually)" o.0

[BigKK]

I would tell her that you don't want to sway her, and suggest she take a gf. Tell her you'll go as a silent support if needed

 

That's tricky...because if you favour anything, and you don't work out...you might hear, "I bought this place for us (eventually)" o.0

 

she's for sure buying it for her. And says its her "first place" and not her end all. But she does say things like "I want this place since it has a pool and we can just have lazy days" that'll work whether I'm in the picture or not, a pool is nice regardless!

 

The funny thing is she called me after that post since she missed me. Cue the mushiness, I thought it was cute, she said she just wanted to hear my voice and we chatted a little bit. She then said she's excited about a few particular places and really wants me to come along if I could...I agreed. I DO give good advice, and I'll try to be objective. (ie. she was wondering why a price disparity between two near identical units, and I noticed that one may be getting noise from the freeway due to angling) Anyway...I'm actually excited for her, she's looking to move in my work area (like half a mile away) and comments on "you could have lunch at my place and take a nap." I'd be lying if I said I don't think it's nice to hear. She ended the call with saying she is having a great time with family but can't wait to come back.

 

I feel like this vacation was great for me mentally... just kind of reset myself...re-balance. I even had a lot of alone time and realized I don't get enough of it. With the little bit of space, I feel like we are both excited to see each other but I also just have this sense of confidence building up in myself and my relationship. I don't know what it was with the last few weeks, I'm definitely "not in the clear yet" but I feel like I'm making positive strides especially with the help of everyone here. I'm feeling very appreciative so a collective thankful for all

 

It's ALMOST something to worry about, that I felt so crazy one week, and so much more in control and stable the next...but perhaps I just rebalanced myself. It just means I can possibly be shaken up again as easily as I re-stabilized, so I need to watch out for that. I am lovestruck, but I wonder if it's finally settling in my brain that so is she...and it's not going away as easily as just blowing a dandelion. I guess with time the strength of that connection will continue to grow. Now I'm just babbling and sleepy...good night and happy Monday Dun dun DUN.

 

random thought

I feel like part of the US (if not world) work culture is to hate Mondays. "Got a case of the mondays" I actually hate when I hear that, people get so bummed about it. I have always tried to be happy and satisfied about it. It's not that bad, a lot of people have it worse and I feel like we're almost trained and conditioned to hate Monday since it's supposed to implying working again. Don't get me wrong, I love free time and vacation time... but I want a life that I'm excited about each and everyday and not holding my breath for 5 until I can come up for 2 days, get some air and go back down again. I've done it before, and I think a lot of people do it...but I am working towards completely being separated from that. That's all I got, nothing profound. Happy Monday!

[DancingFool]

I'd say go and be supportive in the sense of giving practical advice. Very much along the lines of what you mentioned. Don't play it too cool, because it can read like you are not seeing a future with her at all and already know it. So pushing for a place that might not be the best but is really close to your work probably not good, but making sure she gets a good place for the right money is good. Balance, yes?

 

Re your random thoughts....be careful that you don't try to be so gosh darn happy all the time that you implode under the pressure of that. That can be just as unbalanced and unhealthy mentally as someone who is constantly depressed. It's OK, in fact important, to allow yourself to have a down day or be grumpy or dislike something and actually let that emotion/feeling out. It really doesn't take away from the quality of your life, quite the opposite. Someone who is just so gosh darn happy all the time is usually faking it and running away from something ....or they are on one heck of a happy drug cocktail......lol...not your case I believe..... I've said this before in this thread, the running away from something thing.....hmmm.....

[BigKK]

I've written this entry literally 3 times, and neither time it has registered!!! GAhhhhhh

 

 

So a little bit of time apart... Miss K has been texting me that she misses me, and has been calling so she can "hear my voice" it's kind of cute, I haven't seen much of a needy side from her, I think it comes out when there is a little bit of space. I need to remember that, is it weird that I like it? I know its becoming apparent to me that I'm the more "Attached at the hip" type as DF coined it. But I think I can stay busy and keep a healthy balance, and have this push-pull.

 

 

I want to bring some flowers to the airport when I pick her up... wanted to get some input... get one rose, like an orange rose? Get a bunch of Roses? OR get an orchid since hers just died and she has a "Plant obsession"(her own words) that is slowly growing. I just think it'd be weird standing in the airport with an orchid in a pot? Perhaps some other cool or different flower she can take care of... I've never bought her flowers, so I don't know if she'd like it.

 

I suppose to maintain the integrity of this journal I have to confess. I want on a "treat" binge. By that I mean, Miss K left a bucket of laundry in her backseat, and I took it out since I *cough* cleaned her car. Since I have a laundry machine at home, I chucked hers with mine and did the basket. Got her car nice and clean, (I work at an auto shop, so I did it 20 minutes before work). This is where it gets really bad, she had like 1/4 a tank... so I tanked up her car! Gas is "cheap" next to my work, vs. where we live and I figured I'd just give her car the works. Obviously checked the oil, filters, tire pressure, brakes, etc. I don't even really care if she notices any of this, but I suppose this is how I love and I want to say I can't help it...obviously I can...but it makes me happy to do it, so did I cross a line? I don't think I've been doing so many treats. In my mind if I got back from a vacation and someone slowly took care of a few errands, it'd make my next work day THAT much nicer and easier. I probably went overboard since I feel the need to write about it.

 

After writing all this, perhaps it's a little bit over the top. *shrug* oh well, I can siphon the gas out if it's really that bad hahaha

 

Last night I went to yoga and ran into my closest friends...BOTH going to the same class. (2 of us have never gone to this class and didn't know the third does this class regularly) We finished at 9pm, and talked outside till 11pm! It was such a cool coincidence, I'm glad I moved to this area, it has a little bit of that "community" feeling.

 

DF... running away... yes perhaps, I have a theory, and I am quite impressed you have called me on it (or noticed). I will elaborate later (I already wrote a long winded story of what I think it is) but perhaps it has to do with BigKK's search for meaning after the age of 22 when I lost my belief in a higher power, and then went through a limbo phase, and perhaps my "running away" is running away from what I "know" to be true... that nothing matters, you can do what you want, but in the end it can be construed as something positive... I believe there is no religion talk allowed on this forum and I don't want to start a debate... I'm not religious but sometimes I ponder Why and what everything means, so perhaps it's running from the fear that "I think I know."

 

 

This weekend I have a "Booze cruise" It's a beer tasting cruise with Miss K and a bunch of friends. I know I will stay in check since my Vegas escapades I'm very mindful to not let the alcohol creep up on me. I have always been so responsible with drinking, it was just the shots that did me in. It should be fun, but I kind of wish I was getting out of town for the weekend. I'm starting to feel like I want a little mini-vacation of my own. My friend that I ran into Yoga, I can't give her an initial since hers is a K, well so was my OTHER friends (Do I only accept people that their name starts with K?), anyway, one of these friends invited me and Miss K to hike Mt Whitney with her and her boyfriend. I'd like to, but it's only a 5 week lead time... I might be able to swing it, but I am not sure if that is enough training time for the highest peak in the lower 48 states.

[mhowe]

No flowers dude....you are enough with a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eye.

[faraday]

Awww that's like, the cutest thing ever! I would love if my bf did a tune up and cleaned my car that's so sweet! She'll like that. The laundry and car top up is really nice too- takes things off her to-do list when she gets back. When I'm on vacation, sometimes when my mom stops in to check on the place, she'll unload the dishwasher and vacuum...and it's just so nice to come back things cleaner than when you left them.

 

I think skip the flowers too, you've done enough

 

When is she home?

 

 

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[DancingFool]

Another for you've done enough. The flowers right now would be total overkill.

 

However....since I have a total soft spot for flowers.....to me at least, the most pleasant and memorable times have been when he brought flowers out of the blue, just because. No reason, no cause, no hints, just nothing. In your case, maybe ease up on treats and then get her an orchid or some such.

[faraday]

I'm with DF, I love flowers too...and it's way more special to get them randomly

 

 

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[BigKK]

Ok no flowers! I'll get her an orchid randomly for no reason another time! I'm glad I checked in, it felt like too much.

 

 

I'm a big fan personally of random acts of kindness without much reason. It's why I hate valentines it becomes this big social measuring stick for some about "how important" the relationship is.

[redrose85]

Be careful that you don’t raise the bar too high for yourself! It can backfire.

 

That said, I think it’s all very sweet, but yeah, no flowers. Flowers would be too much.

[BigKK]

I know redrose! I know it can backfire, I need to be mindful of it and "restabilize" the bar. Any real life anecdotes of the bar being raised too high and backfiring? Part of it, it is just how I am... I was wondering why I am like that and I remember even being like that for my sister or my mom when I was 10 years old. Something I gotta keep an eye on I suppose.

 

 

Picked up Miss K, she was exhausted, she got up at 4am our time, and traveled 9 hours, crying babies and all that good stuff. Made dinner, and she was telling me a little about her trip and would kind of stumble her words and drift off...she was tired. She then told me about her grandpa (the one who helped raise her) his dimentia is getting worse, her grandma is hardly lucid anymore with Alzheimer's and he was saying he doesn't have anything to live for since he's going to lose his mind soon, and that he wants to take all his xanax and end it all. Miss K's mom was saying he's trying to "take the cowards way out" and Miss K said she actually feels for him and understands why he wants to take his own life. Then she just started bawling... I just held her until she fell asleep, she woke up later and said sorry for "ruining the mood" I told she never has to be sorry about telling me about what's on her mind and about her feelings. Had breakfast this morning and had lunches made...she pounced me during breakfast and made me a snag late for work.

 

I am glad she's back, but going to maintain some of those "me" evenings to make sure I continue keeping school in check and don't just open the floodgates. She really wants me to join her tonight to view 2 or 3 places, I told her I'll call her when I'm off and see which one she's on and join.

 

I was going to sign up for this Engineering achievement group at the local community college.. (where I will be taking 2-3 more courses) and it sounded perfect for me... they offered tutoring, beefed up study skills, and guidance throughout... I know how to do most of this stuff, but it would of been nice to have someone "on my team" so-to speak making sure I'm using the best study skills and managing my time...especially since I've been out of school for so long. Well...no second bachelors allowed, so there goes that! They still had really great handouts that I was reading...most of the stuff I know...but I need to continue doing it. I realized that in high school I relied on my intelligence and just got through school, in college I just crammed in the last minute and procrastinated as if it was something cool to do. It was stressful and I was never a perfect student, so I'm working hard to break these habits. I'm a solid 2-3 weeks ahead of the class as far as material, and using class time as another chance to review the material, rather than my old strategy of going in blind and see the material for the first time. I've been reading some articles about "studying" and the "forgetting curve" and best methods to move short term into long term, so I'm trying to implement them. I guess this is how it is when you're a more mature student. Honestly the material is almost too easy right now, I can't wait for next semester to start getting my ass handed to me... is that weird to say? Am I a masochist? I want to start seeing the kind of stuff I'll be working with and more "real life" things rather than some of this theory that I know I won't really re-visit.

[faraday]

link removed Did you see this? This is how I will go...it runs in my family....Cowards way? Maybe to some...but seeing my grandmother drooling on herself, staring at a wall for hours stuck in a wheelchair...is not something I have the courage to do. She lived 8 years like that. That is NOT life.

 

One of my exes set the bar too high. We were dating 2 months when he noticed mould under my dishwasher...he ended up pulling out all of my kitchen flooring and replacing it...and he paid for it. A month later, he took me to Vegas and paid for everything...a month later, it was my birthday. Super fancy dinner and Tiffany's. I mean...how was he supposed to keep that up? He couldn't.

[BigKK]

I actually agreed with her faraday. I don't think Dr. Kevorkian was necessarily some elderly murdering monster. So I think she was especially having a hard time since she's the only one that understands her grandpa and doesn't want him to go down that path.

 

As far as your ex, what happened when he couldn't keep the bar up? You thought he didn't care anymore, or did he just get burned out? I don't think I'm that over-the-top, but I gotta keep an eye on it and just let the relationship be because it's fine. I do feel as though I'm going to set up some boundaries as far as school goes so we have a little bit more structure and kind of take control. Feeling much better after this week on my own. Kind of like I'm coming back to myself.

 

 

link removed Did you see this? This is how I will go...it runs in my family....Cowards way? Maybe to some...but seeing my grandmother drooling on herself, staring at a wall for hours stuck in a wheelchair...is not something I have the courage to do. She lived 8 years like that. That is NOT life.

 

One of my exes set the bar too high. We were dating 2 months when he noticed mould under my dishwasher...he ended up pulling out all of my kitchen flooring and replacing it...and he paid for it. A month later, he took me to Vegas and paid for everything...a month later, it was my birthday. Super fancy dinner and Tiffany's. I mean...how was he supposed to keep that up? He couldn't.

[DancingFool]

Too much of a good thing constantly can really make the relationship feel out of balance for the person on the receiving end....unless they are a user.... Pretty much any decent person will start to feel pressure to reciprocate in roughly equal quantities and that may not be possible and then that makes you uncomfortable and things start to feel off and the ship starts listing until it goes over completely. What I really want to get accross is that it doesn't matter that you are fine with everything, it's all about how the other person feels about it.

 

Like bf does ten things in a row that are kind of over the top. In the meantime, I'm slammed with work and not really able to put much into the relationship and he keeps piling on more and more treats. At first, it's really sweet and I appreciate it, but there will be a point where I just don't feel good about the treats because I can't reciprocate and it's getting overwhelming and I'm starting to feel guilty and pressured to reciprocate and no amount of him telling me that it's all good is going to make me feel better about it... Don't know if I'm explaining this very well.

[BigKK]

DF it makes perfect sense, and I think if I don't hold back a little... it'll eventually lead to that. Me getting resentful and her feeling a piled on pressure of reciprocation. Needed that spelled out to understand better, otherwise it's just a "warning" without a reason. Thank you!

[Fudgie]

Remember that treats are not special if you're doing them all the time. They become expected and then they are not treats. DF makes a good point about it being uncomfortable for the other partner, if they can't reciprocate.

 

I would focus on small gestures that are more in line with everyday living, that do not cost money. Carrying her groceries for her, offering to help her set something up.

 

It's the little everyday things that mean a lot because you can "keep them up" and they mean a lot without taking a lot of effort/money from you.

[faraday]

I actually agreed with her faraday. I don't think Dr. Kevorkian was necessarily some elderly murdering monster. So I think she was especially having a hard time since she's the only one that understands her grandpa and doesn't want him to go down that path.

 

As far as your ex, what happened when he couldn't keep the bar up? You thought he didn't care anymore, or did he just get burned out? I don't think I'm that over-the-top, but I gotta keep an eye on it and just let the relationship be because it's fine. I do feel as though I'm going to set up some boundaries as far as school goes so we have a little bit more structure and kind of take control. Feeling much better after this week on my own. Kind of like I'm coming back to myself.

 

Tbh I didn't get a feeling of how you felt about it....there's no judgement either way. I just thought it was a great story showing the other side....and how her family felt after.

 

As for that ex...yeah...I felt bad. I couldn't afford to spent $2000 a month on him to reciprocate....so I would clean his house when I was over, cook, clean out his car...and it made me feel like complete crap. Doing the things that I could, like cleaning, made me really tired because I had my own cleaning and my own busy life as a single parent, working 12 hour days...but I felt obligated to repay him. It made me resent him. I felt like I was failing him. We broke up. (This is 21/2 year guy) so we got back together a few months later....and he scaled back totally. He wasn't even doing 1/8 of the things he was doing before...and then I resented him for that! I mean, didn't he love me anymore? Why wasn't he taking me on trips, buying me flowers all the time, fixing stuff around my house, taking me to fancy dinners? Didn't he love me anymore? It was never the same after that....I always wondered if he would ever love me as much as he did in the beginning.

 

So do nice things, but start off slow. Gradually build up to something you can maintain all the time...but if it's not maintainable forever...you're setting a timer on your relationship.

 

 

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[redrose85]

Hmmm well there is the whole thing of how my husband used to go out of his way to drive me to work when we didn’t live together yet... and how now he definitely does not. That was a bar-raising thing. But really, we’re both pretty realistic. We do little things for each other, but there’s no one-upmanship going on. If I bring him a chocolate bar, he doesn’t automatically think that he must get me flowers, and vice versa.

[BigKK]

I'm gonna cool it with the treats...promise. I think I did that in my last relationship, built it up so much that once I "got her" I backed off, and she took it as a negative thing. Which is understandable.

 

 

It's weird one of my "Mutual friends" from my ex came to work today, and was venting to me about her...I didn't really mind, but man hearing about a past partner is strange. It's all these things you know about them, but now you completely see once you take those rose-colored glasses off.

 

 

Anyway...I am going to frank today. I know I need to get over this. As of right now, 10am, I am not even "excited" or looking forward to this cruise thing tonight. It's all you can drink. So my mind is going towards the last time Miss K got belligerent drunk, and I suppose I cross my fingers and hope it doesn't happen again? I am trying to move my mind off of other things, and am about to make myself busy and not worry. But unfortunately I feel as though I should write it here, simply to get it out. I know alcohol can be a stressful point in some couples and I feel like I am 100% yet with her an alcohol. The last time she got so drunk I found those photos (after snooping) of her and some rando, and it was my bad, and I overreacted...ALTHOUGH I still maintain that I am not cool with my black out drunk girlfriend having guys have their arms around her and giving out her phone number to get a "fun" photo. The last time we were drinking she was going to smoke weed with her roommate at a party we were at...and I just got mad. I have only seen her high once, and I didn't like it... I may of overreacted at THAT party but she said she's going to smoke, and I said that's fine, I think I'm gonna leave I'm not comfortable. So she didn't smoke.

 

I suppose I am now slightly anxious instead of thinking "hey this is going to be fun," I feel like I'm on guard. I think these thoughts can go away if I can sneak in some kind of physical activity. I swear they're creeping up since no exercise in 3 days... I HATE this feeling of "I should keep an eye on her" since I don't think she will cheat, it's just "I hope she acts respectful towards me." The only issue is I have to go from work, rush home, shower, change ,and immediately go to this. If I could sneak in a workout, I feel like it would take the edge off... Maybe I'll find some physical activities at work to try to burn off some steam. It's been a solid what? 10+ Days of no over thinking? Gotta squash this before it starts

 

In my defense, I think I now associate drinking with my girlfriend with trouble, and will believe it when I see it, that it's not fair or rational way to view it. But I feel like I'm going in with a guilty until proven innocent attitude... I'm hoping someone can talk some sense into me, don't want a crummy Friday! It started off great..

[mhowe]

You have over drank --- and so has she. You are doing this together --- so you will be in each others' company. Suggest eating something, or grabbing something on the way...I am sure there is going to be food.

 

IF you see her aiming towards that --- suggest something that you might want to do tomorrow and say that YOU don't want to be too hungover because you are looking forward to the long weekend.

 

It is not your job to police her. It is her responsibility to drink responsibly.

[faraday]

Thanks for your post in my thread. I do feel like you get it and I appreciate that

 

I think you're nervous about tonight because you guys have had so many negative experiences with alcohol...I've been wondering why you guys keep getting drunk, tbh. We're the same age...And I know my life is different because I have a child...but i don't really know anyone that's still going out to get sloshed regularly. We usually have a few drinks and it ends there.

 

History predicts the future...and you guys might end up having an awesome night out...but I think it would be unlikely for drama not to happen.

 

Can you talk to her about both of you laying off it tonight, and limiting drinks to 4 (or whatever tipsy/a good buzz is for you? I'm drunk at 2...so...Idk about normal people lol) and just enjoying each others company?

 

There's a reason that as people age they cut back on getting drunk...and it's because they learn that alcohol lowers inhibitions and fuels is to create drama and make poor choices.

 

Just my thoughts. Maybe others will chime in with some thing else....but to meet it seems like obvious solution. In your shoes, I would have anxiety about tonight too.

 

 

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[faraday]

You could say that you're limiting your consumption so you don't try to impress her with your mad Balancing on boat railing skills tonight lol and see I'd she decides on her own to make the choice to not over drink.

 

 

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[BigKK]

You have over drank --- and so has she. You are doing this together --- so you will be in each others' company. Suggest eating something, or grabbing something on the way...I am sure there is going to be food.

 

IF you see her aiming towards that --- suggest something that you might want to do tomorrow and say that YOU don't want to be too hungover because you are looking forward to the long weekend.

 

It is not your job to police her. It is her responsibility to drink responsibly.

 

everything has been done... you're right mhowe, and if it becomes and issue then I guess I'll deal with that when we cross that bridge... rather than worry about it? We talked about eating beforehand, not getting too drunk, and still doing stuff the rest of the weekend. She brought it up. I forgot that I was even worse than her! Ha, wow, funny how I forget that and think that it's all on her. Mr. Hypocrit over here. It's difficult to take me down though (alcohol-wise) I'm a big guy, and I almost have to make an effort to get that drunk again.

 

Writing down all those thoughts kind of made them mostly go away. She said she will try to eat throughout the day so she can hang in there and we can go sailing with my sister (she's visiting).

 

 

In other news, I forgot to mention, I made the thread about my roommate...and I'm actually glad I kept my mouth shut. She got back together with him for about 3 days and was almost embarrassed to tell me that she was hanging out with him (I didn't really care.) Then he dumped her on Wednesday.

[mhowe]

My bf is a big guy and can drink 3x as much as me....but as a contractor, can get dehydrated during the day --- or get so hot he doesn't feel like lunch.

And then the booze hits him hard. And because we don't drink to get drunk, I am surprised! Now I know to ask if he had plenty of water, or if he feels like a snack before we head out...

 

And if/when the time comes that one of us had too much ---- the other drives home. And says "Hey, we've all done it before. We just don't make a habit of it".