BigKK and his overthinking, here we go...

[BigKK]

I think it's more her friends and her friend unit. It's one of the things that I am sort of holding my breath and going to see out to speak. When they get together it's always funny "drunk" stories...she even said so herself...that she doesn't hang out with that "crew" unless some drinking is involved. So I am wondering if Miss K still is passed her hard drinking phase... I think I have been drawn in a little bit more to "hang" with them. I can definitely drink with the best of them, but it's not a part of my identity... I didn't drink for a month before meeting her, I don't feel like I have to. This might be one of the few things I've been thinking about a lot for awhile...everytime I hear about "another funny Miss K" story, I feel like it makes it worse. I think naively in the beginning I thought it was past stories, and perhaps it was a phase and she has passed it or is passing it.

 

She told me once that she didn't want to drink for a few weeks, and we didn't drink over a month. She went out once, but in general she wouldn't want to go out at all. So I don't know... we'll just see how it goes... but this might be something that I just decide on. I am not sure if we have an eventual conversation about this, or if I just walk if it becomes a problem since I am not a proponent to "change" people. If I tell a girlfriend to watch her drinking, then everytime she goes out she watches her drinnking and is resentful, it's a catch 22... so perhaps this is where the anxiety is building up from. Since it's not one of those, let's talk it out and work on it...it's a "okay this is who you are, I don't like it" and then it's a choice. I don't like policing and I won't police, I will keep my mouth shut about it but I just think normally I'd be looking forward to cruising San Diego bay and having a few beers...it sounds rather great way to start the weekend...

 

 

In order to keep my sanity I honestly might get out of work an hour early and just go workout, I have some steam to blow off. I was going to bring these thoughts up to Miss K, but I pumped the brakes and thought they should be filltered through ENA first

[BigKK]

My bf is a big guy and can drink 3x as much as me....but as a contractor, can get dehydrated during the day --- or get so hot he doesn't feel like lunch.

And then the booze hits him hard. And because we don't drink to get drunk, I am surprised! Now I know to ask if he had plenty of water, or if he feels like a snack before we head out...

 

And if/when the time comes that one of us had too much ---- the other drives home. And says "Hey, we've all done it before. We just don't make a habit of it".

 

Yeah , I guess this is another "try" to be responsible. The last time was fine honestly. The plan is already to take an Uber there due to parking. If I go out tonight with this attitude I am looking for a fight, I already feel it. Not a physical one, but looking for something to get upset about. I am trying to shake it off. Gonna go drink some water myself, and eat. Haven't had any food yet today! Maybe I'm hANGRY.

[mhowe]

HA>>>HA>>>

 

My bf constantly accuses me of a case of the Hangries....so now he keeps a bag of honey roasted peanuts in the car!!

[BigKK]

I had lunch and feel fine ...

[BigKK]

Weekend was fun. On Saturday I started getting sick, I still roughed it on Sunday... went catamaraning, on Monday I was sick, STILL went snorkeling, came back and was wiped out.

 

So I caught the flu, took Tuesday off and just slept and lounged. I didn't ask her or anything, but Miss K stayed home and worked from home...I woke up and asked her if she's not going to work...she said nope I'm taking care of you. Brought me meds, tea, water, shows, food, and basically babied me all day... I slept most of the day and would just watch some show, and pass out again. I'm not used to someone taking care of me when I'm sick so at first I kept telling her I didn't need anything, and she finally made me budge. It was really sweet of her.

 

I'm still sick, but going to just sleep at my place. At work today, which I hate doing but they need the help...trying to keep my distance and not get anyone sick. I am chugging as much water and vitamins as I can, and want to get over this.. Have no desire to make plans or do much of anything, just focusing on getting schoolwork done.

 

Miss K is zeroing in on a place, she's looking at a multi-unit, and I'm quite impressed she's pre-qualified for it. If she gets it, I'll help her move, and help her build a deck for it. When I wasn't sick we had a heart-to-heart over the weekend, and I told her I'm no where close to buying a place like she is, and talked about things like that. She said she knows and she's fine with that etc, and thinks I am doing the right thing with school.

 

 

Oh and the whole anxiety about the booze cruise thing was just that...anxiety. It was completely fine, had a lot of fun and left a little early (12am) and had a lot of fun on our own later... so I think I just have to put some things behind me.

 

Alright, gonna go back to dying..

[Liraele]

No dying.

 

Yay for relationship progress. Go you!

 

(I totally need a cheerleader uniform. I do this waaaaay too often.)

[faraday]

It's nice to be taken care of The nice things you do for her, she's repaying

 

Glad the cruise turned out good and that you had fun snorkelling (I'm so jealous that you get to do that in your normal life...that's what I do on vacation. It snowed here yesterday. Summer is almost over for us)

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[BigKK]

Measure yourselves out for sizing and I'll mail you some outfits. I am absolutely shocked... I was near death yesterday, slept 13 hours, and I feel like the phoenix risen from the ashes. I'm feeling so much better! I think I'm extra happy because I thought I'd just be laying in bed. Tonight I want to do a light yoga session and possibly sweat out all the extra crap floating around in me. I am finishing my homework up for next week and studying, I can't wait for the first exam (nerd alert) I feel I'm going to crush them both.

 

At work, I want to hire a new guy he's a great prospect for us and came recommended. I am not 100% sure at the direction to go with this auto shop with the possibility of me leaving, and the fact that it's a family business...and if I don't solely take it over it will be rented more than likely to our head technician (who won't be able to run the place, even though he's a great tech). Regardless I'm looking at rebuilding the office, and upping our curb appeal, and also putting in an alignment rack.

 

On top of this, I currently live at the beach and pay rent...I came up with this idea during the height of my fever. I own property inland, during the next two years I will be taking online engineering distance classes @ $330/unit and I can also take them locally at $200/unit, certain classes might be better to take locally, and the property that I own is right next to this college. Furthermore, currently there is tenants from hell living in this place. LASTLY, I found a law that allows me to build an additional unit on the land (This place has a very large plot of land) and I can reside in it, and rent out the house.

 

What am I getting at? I can slowly upgrade my own house, pay rent to myself (mortgage), build another unit, and rent out the whole house... Essentially, I would be living for free...the place is not as desirable (15 minute drive to the beach, vs. 5-10 minute walk), but might be better suited for me for the next 2 years. Part of the idea came from the fact that I don't feel like doing things around the house at my landlord's place...because...why? it's a rental, normally you pay for such things, so I'm thinking instead of putting in my own labor into a stranger's place why not do the same to my own? I wouldn't mind a weekend of tearing up flooring and redoing the flooring, or slowly building an extra 800 sq ft unit.

 

 

 

It is lucky faraday, I realize that. Being able to drive 10 minutes and snorkel at a place where people travel all over the world to do, I took under water photos and recorded a few of the leopard sharks, maybe I'll upload them.

 

Anyway, glad to feel more alive

[BigKK]

Question: things have been good. Do I voice my concern about Miss K going out with just her and her friend alone. The current single one that she blacked out with last time?

 

I'm a believer in being able to talk about anything but not sure if I preemptively talk about this...

 

I don't know what's best, I let her know that the last time those two had a girls night it ended up in a disaster, and it makes me a little worried.

 

Or if instead I just keep my mouth shut and see what happens? I don't intend on meeting up afterwards, they're going to a different part.

 

After last weekend, having the flu, I am laying off of drinking and doing my own thing, active outdoor things rather than dedicating half a day to hangovers. It's funny because Miss K was voicing similar intentions but then mentioning going to a girl's birthday at a house so they can get drunk for cheap before going out... So it's a thought of "oh boy here we go again" I feel I can tell her that's how I feel about it? Or is this one of those see afterwards situations and keep my mouth shut?

 

I know she's a big girl and gets to go out with whomever however she wants, but I just don't like this usual attempt of getting drunk. It's this I'm still in college attitude I'm worried about. We ran into the girl whose birthday it is last weekend...she was just stupid drunk in a bar, it's just classless and I guess we'll see. As I'm writing this it seems like the answer is just keep my mouth shut

[Fudgie]

I think if you are going to mention anything, I wouldn't focus on the friend bit, just more about your concern/worry about her going out drinking and blacking out when she's out. I'm sorry but when anyone past the age of 23 or so is going out and getting black-out drunk in public, whether it's with same sex or opposite sex friends, it's a problem. It signals that she is drinking far too much for herself, she can't handle alcohol responsibly/doesn't know how to drink responsibly, or she is caving to peer pressure to do more. It puts her at serious risk of getting taken advantage of or having poor judgement.

 

Really, I think by my age, you ought to know better and I tut-tut at people who black out in public. C'mon, she should know her limits by now, there's no excuse.

 

It's really a safety issue and if I had a friend, female or male, who told me that they blacked out, I would express concern.

 

Now, here's my question, and think carefully: which are you more worried about? General safety or her possibly doing something inappropriate/being taken advantage of by this one friend? Be honest.

[BigKK]

I "hope" she doesn't get as drunk as last time. I also recall our conversation after the last time, so I guess she won't cross my boundaries... ie, please keep random strangers hands off of you. But her friend has been gun hoe, about going out late night and she dragged Miss K's other friend to some random guy's house at 3am. Nothing happened, but I feel as though this girl is a little bit trouble and my girlfriend will follow her along to "be a good friend."

 

The funny thing is the girl wasn't like this when she had a boyfriend but she's In this go out overdrive now...which is counter intuitive method to find a guy.

 

I'm worried my girlfriend will put herself in inappropriate situations to be a "friend."

 

I won't say anything since it's not my place but perhaps slowly seeing that either I get used to this or I decide otherwise. She has so many great qualities , it'd be hard to pick. But it seems like this might be an integral part of her life still. I can have those nights too, but want them with her... Otherwise I restrain myself, seems as though the opposite isn't true for her .

[Liraele]

Yeah, I'd say her words and her actions are painting two different pictures. She says she doesn't want to go out and get drunk....but then does it. You can be a good friend and have one drink, or even stay completely sober. You can have fun without drinking. It kind of sounds like she hasn't quite realized that yet, or isn't ready to care.

 

If it's constantly bugging you, I'm a fan of talking it out. I don't like having an elephant in the room, and this has the potential to become a really big and brightly colored one based on how often you're here about it.

[DancingFool]

mmmmm....seems like the insecure needy controlling thing is raising its ugly head again....

 

You are not her dad, so stop acting like one. She has survived just fine without you all those years, getting drunk and all. Controlling insecure daddy figure is just not sexy when it comes to boyfriends. In short, stop it.

 

Ultimately, every person you ever get into a relationship with will do things that you don't like, don't approve of and would prefer that they didn't do. Tough. All you can do is figure out if that thing is something you can tolerate given all the other positives, aka in the big picture of things. If you can't, then you leave them and find someone whose faults you can tolerate, but don't ever think that you can impose all your wants and beliefs on another person and still have a good relationship left or that you'll ever meet someone who is the perfect image of what you want without any flaws.

 

Sometimes it almost seems like you are looking for arguments and something to be anxious and stressed over when it comes to her. If deep down you really just want to dump her, then do it. No need to find some flaw to pick a fight over. If that's not your goal, then please work on recalibrating yourself. ( I know I know...that's why you are posting here....I'm feeling grumpy but refuse to edit

[mhowe]

Grumpy Dancing Fool is right.

 

You are not her parent ---- you don't get to "remind" her to behave. Her behavior is her choice.

 

Your choice is to decide if her behavior is a deal breaker.

 

And since she hasn't even done it yet ---- your anxiety is screaming.

[BigKK]

yup it was anxiety, I am working on it. Like I said, writing about it made it feel better at the time. I talked to her in the morning and told her really simply "hey when you say you're going to get drunk and go out my image is you stumbling around and running accross the street without looking, can you just be careful, I am a worrier and don't want to worry" She said she knows and just meant get a little bit buzzed... I'm too tired to control or anything... honestly my anxiety is quite low. I have this feeling of being fed up feeling like that about it, nor caring. If it becomes a bigger problem I'll deal with it, it's not yet so why worry about it, I have bigger fish to fry.

 

I am just blue today and not sure why? Is it aftermath from the flu?

 

 

I think I am honestly finding other things to be mad about...I am looking to make some extra $$$ and want to make an extra $20,000 in the next few months to help with business and home renovations. I considered the whole new ride-sharing frenzy, and in a metropolitan area like San Diego (that's addicted to driving) I thought it might be a good prospect for me with flexibility, being a good driver, personable, etc. It all seems so daunting and they're cutting payouts and I think I got bummed out... I will consider training people again, but I like the anonymity and lack of schedule with things like Uber.

 

Miss K is going back and forth with offers and counter offers today, and I am trying to be supportive...but feeling a little tired of it... I stopped responding to her texts after awhile. It's her day off, and I'm at work anyhow, I'm not obligated to respond. I don't feel like hanging out with anyone this weekend, not even miss K, maybe I'll just hermit myself.

 

 

So yes, the anxiety is/was screaming. I feel fine about it, right now just feels like a little bit of a cloud over me. Hopefully it goes away, don't even care to plan my weekend even though I have a few close friends asking me to spend time with them.

[DancingFool]

Sounds like you are just exhausted from all the nonstop activity and then getting sick and so on and yes, being a hermit for at least a day might be just what you need or just a general change of pace. Everyone needs that kind of a day sometimes. Kind of a reset and recharge. Anxiety by itself can be really exhausting, btw, not just mentally and emotionally, but physically as well. It almost sounds like your body is hitting the emergency switch off button. That's OK.

[Fudgie]

I think you were wise to express your worry about her safety when getting sloshed and not about the guy.

 

Hopefully she will grow out of that "drunk" phase. One can only hope.

 

Sounds like you need to take a mental health day, just for yourself. Relax and reset. I need days like that for myself sometimes. Everyone does. It's natural.

 

Sent from Tapatalk

[BigKK]

wow... I imploded Friday night.

 

After work, Miss K calls me and just pours all of her frustrations on me about home buying, her agent, the bad timing, her counter offer, everything... I Just had a long day, she was at home on a day off just worrying all day. I wanted to see her, but I didn't I told her she can join me at yoga but I need to go, she declined. I said bye. Then my close friend called me and started venting as well...the cup was overflowing, now it's a river and the dam is about to burst.

 

 

I go to Yoga and begin doing a very slow yoga, and instead of shutting off my mind, it begins racing... Why I'm feeling like this, and all of these different thoughts. My dad is going to Europe to visit my grandfather who raised me. He is feeling very ill, and I focused in on this during yoga. I couldn't get it out of my head and just felt sad. After yoga I felt better towards the end and miss K called me, I was happy to see her calling and with my new mindset wanted to comfort her now that I settled. But it was all a lie to myself, I was just pushing my own feelings away... She was doing better and fine, and I told her I'm glad to hear, and got off the phone quick. She started texting what's wrong, she heard it in my voice etc, I said I'm just sad and working through some things. When I started driving home I began to cry, and like a really deep long cry, she called me and I told her I'm just sad and don't want to text her about it, she asked me to come over and it was this back and forth...I was embarrassed and parked the car and just let it go. She kept texting me and asked me where I was, and came to me (yoga studio isn't far from her place) and she started comforting me.

 

I have never gone through something like that... I think I am pre-grieving my grandfather? It's weird...he's still alive, he's lead an amazing life, he's one of the most positive people in my life, and I felt like we have always had a special bond. Earlier that day my dad told me t hat he's not doing well, and let some tears out and I comforted him. I think seeing my dad hurting made me hurt too. I don't feel like I didn't get my grandpa...me and him lived life to the fullest as far as a grandson and grandpa could be.

 

So Miss K had me go to her place, I went to her bed, and she held me and I just sobbed really deeply and let it all go. I don't know if I should of, I don't know if I should of just gone home but I didn't want my roommates to see me, and I wasn't sure if letting her see me like that was right either...I felt vunerable. We both talked about our grandpas and she began crying too, and s ome of the things she said just felt like she pierced my soul. I understood exactly and knew she understood me at that moment.

 

I left her place, and let her s p end the day with her roommate. Had dinner with my best friend and my parents, and it was really nice. I had a coffee so I'm still up at 1:30am, miss K and I are supposed to hike in about 6 or 7 hours...but I'm not sure. She texted me a little while she was out and they both got in before I did, and she was the DD. she's saving up money...her offer was accepted today. She is very excited, and now comes 3 weeks of some panic.

 

Can anyone advise me what someone goes through when a place is in escrow? She asked if I would meet with her and the inspector since "you know a lot about buildings" and I agreed. I felt burnt this last week from being supportive, I guess that is part of being in a relationship, sometimes providing emotional support but I just felt drained... Today I recharged. I was at the beach for a good part of the day, some by myself, and later a friend joined me.

 

 

I'd also like to note progress... if you recall towards the beginning of this journal I was so hurt and felt like such a baby when she was "mean" to me. Sometimes she goes on rants about things that upset her...since she was upset it would bring me down. Now I approach it differently, for example we were driving together and she found old CDs she was excit ed to try to listen to... things from high school. "Miss K's Mystery Mix" "Miss K's inside jokes" She puts in 1,2,3,4,5,6 CDs CD 1 error, tries 2, error, gets a little irritated, 3 , error, getting mad, 4, error, "What the Heck???!" , 5, error, OKAY F**** you Ford, OF C OURSE I can't listen to my CDs now its all... etcetcetc goes on this whole rant.... My response "Hey miss K, maybe your CD player is busted" - "of course its not, I just took out my CD.....ahh these CDs blah blah blah" rant rant rant....so I put in her "working" cd, and still error... she looks at it.... "So.... it's my car?!?" Me: "when did you listen to that CD last?" "3 months ago" "remember when I asked you if it could be your CD player...I was right" and then she just starts laughing, and I knock her out of the move, completely unphased by the fact that my loving girlfriend is flipping out over old CDs working in her car. I even rub it in afterwards...I honestly used to be brought down by her occasional irrational cattiness to the most obscure things...now I find it indearing, I poke fun at it, and we both end up laughing. Am I crazy, in love, or just an enabler of cattiness? I don't know...

 

But what my nonsenical stories is supposed to say is thank you for everyone in this journal...With a simple change in my mindset and also "sticking up for myself" in a fun manner, I instantly flip things that before would be a "situation" to simple and short funny instances. The o ther thing I will note...ever since my talk with her over 2 months ago about th at kitchen stuff. She doesn't ever direct this kind of things towards me, where before she would. So I really respect the fact that she said "she'll work on it" and she really has. I feel I have to make a note about that.

 

I'm just rambling at this point because of drinking a stupid espresso at 11pm But going back to the home, is it okay to sometimes quietly dream/hope to be able to do this whole house thing with her? I sometimes wish I could fast forward and imagine how getting a place together would be a good feeling. I know I am still eons from that time, but I have seen some qualities in her that are screaming keeper and I really want this to last.

 

She asked me to go to Japan with her, she is going for work for 2 weeks, and said she'd like to go a week early and we'd just be tourists for about a week in January. It's not 100% due to the nature of her work, but it'd be perfect for me and school...I'd be on break. I really want to travel with her, I think we'd be good travel mates... I especially love me and her we think alike often.

 

We were looking at a friend's "engagement" photos and talked about how we hate this oneupmanship about engagement rings. She said she'd want a cubic zirconia since she loses things for one, since most people wouldn't notice, and three that she'd much rather spend thousands of dollars on traveling or home stuff vs. something on her finger. We were both on the same page, and she commented "I'm not even surprised we see eye-to-eye on that"

 

Gosh what's up with me, I spend one day without her and I am just gushing tonight. I am really slowly starting t o understand this space thing... it really makes the relationship healthy. I just loved how towards the end of the week(of traveling back home) she was just so excited to see me, and just holding each other was so special. I need to maintain some distance so that our hangout times are special. I MIGHT talk to her about making a few days school nights where I'll be unavailable completely. This thought brings me to marriage, how do you maintain that space when you're living together and married... or is that a whole different ball game? I've lived with my previous girlfriend before but once I became "OK" with time apart, I feel as though I became completely apathetic, perhaps it wasn't right, perhaps its my own thoughts of ON and OFF. Either I want someone, and want to spend time all the time, or I try to turn it off and then that turns off feelings in a way. I don't think that is 100% right about me, perhaps as DF once mentioned I am the "attache at the hip type" but it feels better not being attached at the hip... doing my own thing, and just longing for my girl without giving in... then th at spending time together feels so much better. I will edit this, I was madly in love with my previous ex, but about a year in, year in a half in, it hit me smack in the face...and the thought c ould never leave once it was there and incepted. I was much brighter, sharper, and deeper than my previous ex...and once I started believing it I couldn't see a lifetime with her, but I loved her and was comfortable with her, so it was hard to let go. I don't get that with Miss K, she challenges me and we're on the same level.

 

quick sidestory, one of the first ever talks we had about feelings (some alcohol was involved) we were walking on the beach and I told her , I really like her, and am happy I met her. She asked me why I like her, and I named a few reasons...then I got to, and I think you're really intelligent... *pause* Miss K begins to tear up and cry a little... what's wrong? What did I say? "I'm sorry to bring up my past relationship but my ex always said I'm smarter than him and he was always intimidated by that" and I wait for a second "oooh no, oh hun, I'm sorry... I love that you're intelligent, I never said you're smarter than me" and she bursts out laughing

 

well my fingers are getting tired, hopefully I will sleep *yawn* nite ENA

[DancingFool]

Nothing really. You get your inspections done, get your report. Get your financing in order. Pre-approved is not approved. So there is a lot of additional paperwork and stuff to submit and take care of with the bank. If everything is OK, you'll proceed and close. Basically, pretty mundane stuff mostly just paperwork and waiting on results.

 

Being vulnerable is OK. Needing some space is OK too. Maybe next time you need some personal time, just tell her more directly that whatever is going on is not about her or the relationship and you just need some alone time to deal and they two of you are fine. She went looking for you because she was panicking about "us". You were too cryptic. Anyway, sorry and big hugs about your grandpa.

 

As for space, that's where having some separate hobbies and different interests comes in. When you are married that's your space. He goes fishing, she goes to art show with friends. That sort of a thing. I know while dating people put a lot of emphasis on same hobbies, some interests. Having some same things is good, but at some point you do need to have something that is just yours and gives you some personal space and identity outside of the relationship. So maybe you have your Yoga that's just for you and what you do for an hour each day or some such.

[BigKK]

I didn't even think of that DF, the fact she thought it might of been relationship related although I honestly think she knows I wouldn't "bring something up" about in that manner. I just kind of popped.

 

She is now approved and locked in, inspection on Friday. She's most worried about the appraisal. I am just being supportive.

 

Biggest news is I got accepted for my second bachelor program!! I am so happy, the ground work is laid out and I know what I have to do. I told Miss K and she was really happy and wants to celebrate on Saturday, thought that was nice.

 

I'm trying to supplement my income with lyft and/or uber. I figured I sometimes have free time and will try to out some extra money in my wallet. We'll see how it goes. Deciding which car to have, none of my current vehicles are excellent mpg...although I buy and sell cars so replacing one isn't a big deal.

 

I'm happy, and I'm exhausted. I haven't seen miss K since Monday morning (we noticed each other on the way to work, and stopped to grab a coffee). Space is good, she called me tonight because she missed me and was exhausted and wanted to hear my voice before she went to sleep. She's not always affectionate so it's nice when she gets like that. Although she is the only whose ever set a "cuddle alarm" so I can't paint her as some stone cold girl.

 

Today in school I made a class "friend" and girl in her 30's pursuing a phd in engineering, we got on the subject of going back to school and were both on the same page. It was cool hearing someone else's experience and she was very positive about my own plan, was nice to get some affirmation from a stranger. We exchanged emails in case either is stuck on some problems, she's a math major so she knows her stuff.

 

Lastly my best friend is "falling for" a 42 year old single mom at his work who sounds like she has a drinking problem and smokes a lot of weed. He loves chaos and this is up his alley, I urged him to be careful since he's just starting work and should not do anything with her. He says "this is a learning experience" he is great with kids and already loves her kids 7, and 12. He asks me for advice but half the time I don't know if I should just tell him to run or tell him what he wants to hear is go for it. They have yet to kiss or anything, but he has given her a massage and they cuddle and she texts him some dirty things. He isn't even sure if he's just becoming a friend and doesn't care, but I just cough it up to her being a little nutty, hence hard to read. I grew up with him and he's like my brother, so I his phone ring and think "oh boy" but he deals with my crazy too so oh well. Any advice in such a situation or wise words? I'll pass it along to him.

[BigKK]

I know it may sound like some simple stuff, but I have been listening to advice here and it's working like a charm. I've made an effort to separate myself a LITTLE from my girlfriend. Last night she calls me to hear my voice. This morning she is texting me good morning, and is already at work she said she had to confess that her whole drive to work (we drive the same first 6 miles) she kept an eye out for my car and hoped she'd see me, and just misses me. It's funny how literally a few days and my girlfriend becomes a mush bomb rather than me vying for all over her time... I like this feeling a lot better, rather than the overdrawn "oops we hung out too much" feeling, "I need to make time for others." This feels so much healthier! I know it's the beginning with regards to my feelings like this, but I need to remind myself. My "nature" is to seek out a lot of time, but the thing is...if I do I won't have time for BigKK. For example, I could possibly hang out with her tonight at a work happy hour(she invited)... putting on a show for her coworkers being the fun cordial boyfriend... OR I could be responsible, exercise after work and then study my bum off for my exams. I'm going with the second option. Besides I think I like spending time together on the weekends when we both don't have work looming over our heads, it's usually more fun and less grumbling about a bad work day.

 

 

Otherwise, I am interested to see how they'll evaluate my transcripts...once they do I'll know exactly how much I have left. Still really excited about the acceptance. The funny thing is it's an east coast school, and I Might buy a sweater when I visit there in the Spring and just act like as if I'm an on-campus student. Guess I gotta pick up college football...trivia hint...they're the best college football team in the nation, haha! (Maybe I should try to walk on...and die. )

[mhowe]

Option B was the best choice.

 

And isn't it awesome when you stand still --- and they come to you?!!

[BigKK]

Option B was the best choice.

 

And isn't it awesome when you stand still --- and they come to you?!!

 

It's so much of a better feeling!! I don't go into these stupid questioning thought spirals of oh man I am more invested than she is since I want to see her and she doesn't. But it in fact is just striving for that balance. Yes I miss her too, but too much of anything is not a good thing. It's really true though, you grow during the separation it feels like... I have to remind myself, it's okay to miss her a little, but I don't have to act on it immediately to "satisfy" that feeling.

 

 

I think I had a few naive preconceptions about love and relationships and that the strong ones would always stay close together, but if that happens you just end up losing yourself. I think I knew this logically to a point, but I'm starting to see it in my own life. Granted maybe I'm just having a good day, but I think it comes from confidence in the relationship. When you don't have confidence it feels like you need to be around always to make sure all is well.

[mhowe]

Very good grasshopper....you are learning the wisdom of ying/yang!

[BigKK]

Very good grasshopper....you are learning the wisdom of ying/yang!

 

*bows* thank you. Wax on wax off.

 

 

The next episode is considering changing my living arrangement... we'll see. It's not toxic but it can be in the future. . One is 28 year old girl, nice fun, independent and we're both respectful of each other and it's fine, she's a good roomie. The other one...She said she's a recovering alcoholic but hasn't taken a drink in a long time (Before I moved in), she was very nice and friendly and I thought I found a good fit. Since then she's gone on drunken benders (I'm usually gone so personally unaffected), on Monday we watched Football and a friend of mine came over. She got drunk, (as per usual) and offered me and my friend Vodka...my friend is a nice guy and had some, I declined. She got drunk and started yelling at the TV, yelling at neighbors and when her team won she was proclaiming "victory sex" for my friend. He kept looking for help, and I told him he can go, but he didn't want to to not hurt her feelings. I eventually went to bed and he stayed with her and listened to her issues and told me he feels sorry for her, etc and all this stuff. She has all kinds of health issues, and I think I'm going to walk into a body one day. I feel like a lot of good things are going for me, and I need to resolve this. The thing is, I have a great room, best view in San Diego, and easy going living arrangement. I don't feel like I can study there so I try to find other places (not a big deal) and I don't necessarily feel like moving. I just am a firm believer in surrounding yourself with good people. Although I think she's a good person, as soon as she takes a few sips of alcohol I can see her vying for everyone's attention by being loud and a "self proclaimed B****," it comes to the point that I don't really care to hear about her weekend or "what's up" because it's the same old "haha I broke my toe, not sure how that happened" She even yelled at the neighbors and slapped the window, and broke the glass. I've only been in here since April and I'm not in a lease, but I don't want to jump into anything yet. The fact that I'm fairly active doesn't bother me but I've had to constantly tell her to refund me for drinking my alcohol (big no-no in my book) and now I leave my alcohol in my room. (pathetic) Her car broke down, and I gave her some advice, I was giving her advice months ago about doing some work on it...but she didn't have money so it blew up. I honestly have no sympathy nor do I care...the daily $20 of alcohol could of covered the preventative repairs. Now she tells me about how hard her life is that she needs to find rides from people to work (I Hope she doesn't lose her job) or about how someone will borrow her a car. I am not very sympathetic to addicts and am a firm believer of tough love, any help is just preventing them from hitting rock bottom and making some last change. (I watched a lot of intervention, too much perhaps) She has pancreatis and has been forbidden to drink by doctors for the rest of her life. she went sober for 5 days and picked it back up...and has had vommitting bouts for hours and the 28yr old roommate has taken her to the hospital (she wasn't very happy playing care giver) It's one thing if you're sick and you need pe ople's help, it's another thing when you're doing it to yourself. She's incredibly opinionated about a lot of things and kind of a know it all since she's older than us, but I just see the truth and don't really feel like its any of my responsibility to help be that positive light in her life, sorry. You can't save everyone.

 

Also just so you know I'm not complaining about a few instances and calling someone an alcoholic because they've done a few things. I see a new empty 5th of liquor downstairs almost daily. Handles go incredibly fast, too. (2 days)

 

 

I'm wondering if I just ignore this situation like I have been and keep doing my thing? I just feel like if she's down in the living room lately I want to go to my room because I'd rather not hear about funny drunk stories. I only socialize in the house when the other roommate is in. Miss K even has said that although my roommate is really nice to her, she can "smell the crazy" and thinks something can eventually happen with regards to her being drunk and doing something. The funny thing is she is the confidant of the landlord and almost everything goes through her...the landlord lives in Hawaii and she gets everything done only to her benefit. I've been waiting for new carpet since July, but it's usually post-poned...I've considered letting the landlord know that she has a raging alcoholic running her estate.

 

Once again, small roommate drama that I can handle, wondering for a little advice on it. Otherwise I'll keep doing my thing. I can move to a family home that we're having trouble with the tenants and renovate it while living there (I've mentioned this before). The thing is, it's not in the most fun part of town...and I'd still need roommates, it's a 3 bed room house. BUT it'd be close to the local university (where I'll still be taking a few courses) Hmmm... decisions. For example, tonight I'd love to study outside on the balcony overlooking the night life, but as soon as my roommate would see me there, she'd grab cigarettes and see me as someone to talk to, and will talk to me even if I have my face in books and headphones on. I've told her before that I need time to study, and now my solution is just to lock myself in my room or go to libraries, etc.