Boyfriend (probably) moving away. :(

[Firiel]

My boyfriend of about a year just told me he is likely going to move about 5 hours away. He’s been looking for a job here and is unable to find one. He would be moving somewhere with a better support system and more job opportunities. This is a move out of necessity. I have a good job here. We haven’t talked about the situation other than him just telling me about it yet. I know we will have to. I suspect we’ll be discussing whether or not to pursue a long-distance relationship. I feel like I already know the answer to the question, but I still need to work it out. So here are the pros and cons:

 

Cons:

-I’ve done long-distance before, and it sucks. I also feel like we, as a couple, are not particularly cut out for distance. We’ve never had long phone discussions. We are very tactile around each other. I’m not sure we would “click” long-distance like we do in person.

-I wonder about our long-term compatibility for several reasons: 1) He doesn’t really want kids, and I do. We haven’t discussed this in-depth yet, and he has been kind of iffy on where he stands. I hadn’t wanted to address it until he was settled in a job and things were calmer for him. It just seemed like too much emotional stress to add to the pot. But a long-distance relationship is, I think, a bigger commitment than a local one, and I don’t think I want to make that commitment when I know there is no future. 2) We have somewhat different lifestyles. He drinks more than I’m completely comfortable with and is more of a spender than I am. If we were geographically close, I’d see how these habits developed once he was more settled. But I won’t have that chance if he is far away.

-I’m not sure if I could trust him. Early on in our relationship he hooked up with someone else. One night stand from the bar kind of thing. He told me about it on his own, and I decided I wanted to stay with him. I’ve never regretted it, and I’ve come to trust him again. But being far away is a different story entirely. There’s just a different dynamic there. And all it takes is one bad night and one bad decision.

 

 

Pros:

-I love him. A lot. (This reason encapsulates all his good qualities [the reasons that I love him]—he’s smart, funny, sees the world in an interesting and nuanced way, etc.)

-We’ve been together for a year. That’s not chump change. We know each other enough to know what to expect—it’s not like this is happening after two months together.

-In many ways, we are very compatible. We get along great (rarely fight), we both will apologize and admit we are wrong, we know how to pick our battles, and we really respect each other.

-Neither one of us is tied to location long-term. He doesn’t feel the need to stay in city-he’s-moving-to and I don’t feel the need to stay where I am forever either.

-We have talked long-term (though not in too much detail—see below) and I know he is really serious about his feelings towards me, and I am towards him. He loves me, cares about me, and wants to be with me.

-We have so many things to do still. L We talked about going on vacation over the summer to the coast and doing some long bike rides up and down the coastal highway. We were planning on doing a charity ride at the end of June, and he needs to be there to watch me compete in my triathlon in a couple of months. We have restaurants to try and walks to take and movies to watch. He’s gotta take me shopping and help me improve my non-existent style. We just have so much life to live, and I want him to be there.

 

So. Pros and cons. Where do you stand, ENAer’s?

[sophie274]

I would at least try. Five hours is not that far if you both have cars -- I know you're busy, but you could make it every other weekend.

 

I assume once he has some job experience (same for you), it would be possible for one of you to move to the other's location, or for the two of you to move to a third location.

 

I think the biggest issues are long-term compatibility and trust. As far as the compatibility, I think it's high time you really sit down and discuss children with him, regardless of the distance. I imagine you've left it so long also in part because you are in love and don't want to give him up, but if this is going to be a make it or break it issue, you need to talk about it. You're why past early days and you want children in the next five years, right? That's not ages away.

 

As far as trust -- do you think he cheated because he had the opportunity and went for it, or because of some other issue he's now resolved? In LDRs there are of course many more opportunities, but plenty of people are committed and make it through without cheating. I think you'd know better than us how he might be likely to behave.

[Firiel]

Yes, I think we've put off the discussion because we are afraid of the outcome. I've wanted to wait until he's a little more stable because he's been struggling a lot with job hunting/confidence. A conversation like that has high stakes, and I would have rather waited till he's in a better place emotionally to have such a serious discussion.

 

As to the cheating-- I think it's other issues that he has worked towards resolving. I think it was partially a reaction to his own insecurity about himself, but if he moves back to his home city, I know he'll be disappointed in himself, so I worry those issues could resurface. So it's not so much that there will be more opportunities but rather that I worry being far away will irritate those issues that influenced his decision to cheat in the first place.

[Fudgie]

I don't see the point in even trying to have a LDR with him because, as you said, you know there's no future. He doesn't want kids and you do. Bam, deal breaker right there.

 

I mean, yes the fact that he drinks more than you'd like him to and that you said you don't really trust him, those are pretty big issues too, but I think the kid one overshadows everything because there is simply NO compromise to be had there.

 

I know that you love him and you are happy to spend time with him but I think you know, deep down, that there is no future in this.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but if I were in your shoes, I'd talk to him about breaking up, distance myself, and then use the distance to heal and move on, and find someone who is more suited to me.

 

I hope someday you can look back on him moving and say "Wow, I'm glad he did. I was able to break it off and find someone who wanted the same things that I did."

 

LDRs are hard. Don't go into one without having strong confidence that he is the guy for you and that you'll be able to make it.

So far, I am not hearing any confidence. And that's not your or his fault. I just don't think he's the guy for you, based on your own misgivings and description of how you don't agree on the kids issue.

[icecreamaddict]

I think you should sit down and discuss it with him. It sounds like there are so major incompatibility issues - wanting kids, financial differences that would be difficult to reconcile long-term, unless one of you is willing to compromise. if you can't compromise on these two issues there really isn't much point in trying long distance since neither of you would be happy long-term.

[Fudgie]

Yeah you definitely can't compromise on the kid issue. Either you have a kid or you don't. And you can't go "Well, I'd like to have a kid, but you don't, so how about I take most of the responsibility with raising it?".

 

I think he's made his position on it clear. I don't know what there is to "discuss", really. You don't want a guy who you have to convince to have kids or talk to him about being open about it. Find someone who is enthusiastic about them as you are, Firiel.

[abitbroken]

Firiel, how long have you been out of your marriage? Was this the guy you met when you were separated, but didn't become official until after the dust had settled? I think you should look at this as you are capable of a mutual, caring, respectful relationship. However, if you want kids and he doesn't or is very iffy, maybe the move is a blessing in disguise. One year is about the time you really find out about eachother for the most part. Also, I want to point out it is not as if you guys talked about the future - that you mutually picked a place to live where you would both have jobs. One year is really not a lot of "time in" - even though it may seem that way. I think it is best for you to stay where you are at. Let him go. If distance makes the heart grow fonder, he could be back, but I think if you move to his town, the only thing you might find is that you uprooted yourself for a guy who doesn't feel as passionate about kids as you do. This doesn't have to be a nasty thing. You can just see what happens after he moves and let it take its course - when the relationship is cemented by physical touch and some other basics are missing, it will be clear that you need to move on.

 

You are still quite young and you don't want to get yourself into another marriage that doesn't go anywhere (not that he wants to marry you now) - really take your time in the next few years to date casually to look for guys that you are both attracted to and want what you want. There are guys out there who also want kids. You might find more 30 year old guys than 25 year old guys very sure about kids, IMHO, but that is not a hard and fast rule.

[Firiel]

Yes, it's the same guy. My moving with him is not really on the radar because of everything you just wrote. I have a job here, I'm well on my way to paying off my school loans, and I know that moving now would not be the best decision for me and my future. I think I would like to move eventually, but I know that it's not the right time for me yet and won't be for probably another year or so. This whole relationship has been a positive experience regardless, but letting him go (emotionally) would be really hard after how well he's treated me and how happy we've been.

[petite]

You need to get to get to the bottom of the kid thing, he has to be clear 100%. If he doesn't want kids then you know there is no point even discussing anything further.

If he does then you can think about continuing the relationship etc.

 

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[abitbroken]

Then...look back on it as a positive experience. There are plenty of relationships where one person moves away to college and it ends on a positive note. Its sad to break up - but two people were just in two different places/directions. If when you are ready to settle down and so is he - and you are both single, you could start something again if you are on the same page. But I really think you need to stick with being strong to wanting kids - and your flexing doesn't come with trying to fit yourself with a guy who might not want kids or begrudgingly says "okay, because you really want one...we'll have ONE" but rather flexing on how you have kids for a guy who wants just biological kids or a guy who only sees himself adopting because he was adopted and a bio kid is a bonus, or something he can't do because he had chemo, or is infertile, etc.

 

I also think you need to consider how you met - would a guy who was willing to try and date or be physical with a still married woman, someone who would want to commit for the long run? Or how would he view marriage. I know it was more like a "special friendship" in the beginning but not having been totally free in the beginning didn't give you a chance to be by yourself and learn who you are single.

[Firiel]

Yes, that's very true. I didn't really have time to be single. I don't think it reflects on his view of marriage, though, that we started seeing each other when I was still legally married (though I understand the concern!). I mean, I had been "single" (as in, not in contact with the ex) for a couple of months before we really realized we had feelings for each other, and I had already filed for divorce before anything physical had happened. But the not having time to myself before entering another relationship is something I have considered.

[imsuperman]

I'm with Fudgie and abitbroken. The fact that you just don't see a long-term future with him is the kicker.

 

I would look at it as now being as good a time as any to break it off and find someone who has more in common with you. Given what you said, you've got a good job now and it therefore it isn't in your best interest to leave.

 

Abitbroken also made a great point with finding who you are single. That's something a lot of people fear facing, but I think it's a really big deal.

[BigKK]

If he is for sure moving away... I think you need to cut ties. He didn't sound like the PERFECT man for you, and the whole baby thing is a deal breaker, plus 5 hours? That's weekends only... PLUS LDR's suck, plus you say it won't work out probably, so trust yourself the most!

 

 

My vote is for you to be single, and adjust to that and be ready for Mr. Right to come around. It'll definitely suck at first, but you're a strong person and will be fine

[Batya33]

Having done long distance and experienced the time/effort it takes there is no way I would advise anyone to do it unless the goal was marriage and to live in the same city within a year or so. And, if you could see each other at least twice a month. For me the fact that we were great on the phone helped a lot.

 

As far as the trust issue -he has the opportunity every single day. I wouldn't analyze it any further because the "his insecurity caused it" comes down to speculation. I do think that someone whose values are consistent with cheating is probably more likely to act on those values if he is in a long distance relationship because then he's less likely to be caught. And when I write about values I simply mean that he made a choice to cheat on you because he did not prioritize remaining loyal to you.

 

I'm glad he's made better choices after that but since you are writing that you're concerned he would make that choice again under certain circumstances then obviously he hasn't significantly changed his value system. In a way it's a blessing that his geographic move is making you realize that your ability to trust him has limits that are not consistent with being in a committed relationship because of course even if you're correct that he made that choice while feeling insecure, there will be many other situations in his and your life together which could trigger insecurities.

 

So given the kids and trust issue I vote to move on ASAP.

[redrose85]

I vote to move on as well. I think you like the idea of G more than what he actually is to you. What I read here is "great friends" not "together forever" I just feel like this is your time to really shine, and you aren't going to be able to do that with a long distance relationship potentially dragging you down. I think you know what you need to do when the time comes, anyways. Am I right?

[tiredofvampires]

I would be tempted to go with what most posters are saying about your taking this opportunity to break up, mostly because of what I sense YOU feel about him. I've never felt that you're "convinced" that he's the right one for you, that you see him as a long-term proposition. In fact, you started out decidedly feeling it had an expiration date. So how far have you moved from that feeling? And does this urge to be single -- which seems to come up with you here and there -- feel like a need? There has always been a tentative tone when you talk about him, and that's often the right answer.

 

However, I'm a cautious person by nature, and don't do things precipitously. So take my advice with that in mind.

 

One thing that really stands out to me is this:

 

-In many ways, we are very compatible. We get along great (rarely fight), we both will apologize and admit we are wrong, we know how to pick our battles, and we really respect each other.

 

To be honest, that's actually fairly hard to find with someone. I know saying that makes it sound like "what if he's the only one?" but I don't mean to imply you won't find that with anyone else. And no matter how good a relationship, you shouldn't stay in one JUST to ensure you have one. I just think that your ex was an extreme of the opposite, and this isn't just a significant improvement. It's a level of compatibility that's difficult to find and achieve, period, especially without years of work together. I consider the things you've listed here to be CORE ingredients that must exist for a relationship to last...and all you have to do is look at the statistics to see how most don't have these, long-term. So if you have a relationship like this and these are steady, consistent, sustainable qualities...that's pretty lucky.

 

Of course, I don't think this should be the single deciding factor, and I also don't think you should feel you have to make this decision together before he leaves. That's a LOT of pressure. Especially since he's already under a lot of stress, and so he won't be coming from the most clear emotional place in what he wants.

 

It doesn't sound like he knows himself enough yet about children -- and while you shouldn't wait forever to find out, and I do believe the discussions do have to start now seriously -- I feel that it would be better for him to be situated in a less emotionally divided, more stable situation to see clearly what he wants. After a year together with that point I've quoted above, I think this relationship deserves that kind of buying yourself time to come to a consensus that isn't made under the gun of temporal considerations. I think there should be some sense of time limit around it, but I don't think people make good decisions when they are emotionally pressured. In other words, I do believe you have to start talking about this NOW, but I don't think the distance should force an ultimatum on him.

 

When you discuss it, I think it's very important for you to explore with him his reasons he questions having children. How much is it about his station in life, vs. just a lack of inner desire? And how HE sees being able to resolve these issues. Also, you need to BOTH be explicitly clear that his decision should be based on how he feels about CHILDREN, not about YOU and staying with you. (Though -- not to complicate this even more -- some men don't want kids or are neutral, and then the partner gets pregnant and the man does a 180, and ends up being Mr. Dad. Even though I don't recommend starting off that way.) So you should explore with him whether he sees his reservations turning into a full "yes" or will these reservations probably always be there? His own confusion or lack of clarity, as well as his reasons, will help you gain clarity. You should also discuss the biological vs. adoption issues.

 

I know there are people who are just unwilling to do long distance, and there are concerns you have about it and him personally with the distance, but I don't believe that has to be a determining factor. If two people REALLY want to be together, they can make that work. I think that's workable, IF both people have a vision. The vision has to be there, though. And for you, that means consulting your gut: do you SEE YOURSELF WITH HIM? Does that thought excite you and make you feel warm inside, or leave you with hesitation or fear? How big a part of that revolves around what issue(s)? For instance, if you knew he wanted kids or was at least more inclined to want them at some point, would the other issues be relatively minor? Not everything has equal weight, so you'll have to identify which are "livable" cons.

 

As for the trust issue, I find it interesting that you've said you trust him now, but wouldn't know if you could trust him at a distance. That means you don't trust him, because trust is not, "if you are under the right conditions, would you be trustworthy". Trust shouldn't depend on external circumstances, provisionally. You either trust him or you don't -- so it sounds like you don't. And that I see as a big issue, but I'm not sure it's something that's reflecting his current state of evolution. So again, I think you need to talk to him about this concern openly. Discuss whether he feels he could be vulnerable in that way again, with the "right" triggers. What does he feel internally. Can he identify doubt within himself when he envisions situations where he'd be vulnerable like last time? This is where all of that GOOD stuff is working for your relationship: the openness, the honesty, the respect. He's an honest guy, as I see it. He has a moral compass -- so while you may be fearing his weaknesses of the past, he has a self-correcting internal gauge that I think is on his side, and actually something which would incline me to trust someone more. Part of this discussion would have to include the understanding that if he did that again, he would have to come clean immediately so that you could act accordingly. So, how certain does he feel now about his own ability, given his feelings for you, what he wants and envisions with you, etc (that's a big question: what does HE envision with you?) No one can guarantee they won't ever do something, but with a lot of self-honesty, with you both respecting the stakes and eachothers' futures, this is something I think there should be a frank dialogue about.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that just because someone made a mistake once doesn't necessarily mean they'll do it again, and you have a lot more history now together than when he did that...and so all the other factors have to be weighed against this.

 

So I guess the bottom line is, I'm with Sophie -- I would let the distance and how you both deal with it start to give you some answers that right now are only speculation. Sometimes these things bring clarity of themselves. But keep the major topics of discussion on the table, without averting them anymore.

 

But I will add this final thing: if deep in your heart, you feel, as I said in my first paragraph that intellectually you have these "pros" to stay together but they don't add up to an overall sense of "rightness"...I encourage you to follow that.

[offplanet]

As he doesn't want kids and you do, you're worried about him cheating, and he drinks too much, it's not worth going long distance and potentially wasting years of your life.

[Realitynut]

I had a cousin who thought maybe she didn't want any kids, cuz her mom had 12....and thought her mom was not a loving mom, and was afraid she wouldn't be either. She got married and eventually had one son. She adored and doted on that boy!!! There's been lots of people who thought they didn't want kids and as they got older and more financially stable...they did!

 

The one nighter happened at the VERY BEGINNING of the relationship. Not that that should make any difference....but it might. He maybe didn't know how involved emotionally etc. they were yet....Who know what goes on in other peoples minds.

 

 

The distance is a pain. But i also know a young adult...now with 3 kids...lol. But he had a high school sweetheart. They were going to break up when they went to different colleges. And they did. They soon found out they had no desire to date anyone else! He said, "when i have the best, why look for something else'. So they stayed together even tho they were hours apart.

 

My son in his senior year dated a girl who went not only away to college...but to France fro 7 months. They stayed together for 3 years.

 

Do you want to stay with G and enjoy him until you don't anymore? Or do you want to decide...is he "the one" for the rest of my life...and i have to end it NOW....or forever hold my peace!!

 

Some people just date and stay together for the simple sake that they love and enjoy each other.

 

Also, it won't be hard for F to find someone. She is young, ambitious, smart and attractive. But i always play things out to the bitter end.....

 

drinking. eh. You grow out of that...usually. As long as he doesn't get DRUNK on a regular basis.

 

F...you got a good head on your shoulders. You know i always supported you and G. I think he's a good guy. Have a discussion with him....don't sweep things under the table. See what he says/thinks. Don't let him think you are going to dump him if he leaves...he'll freak out probably! More like, "what do you see as our future. How do you see us in 2 years???" That kind of things....(hugs)

[Ms Darcy]

Although I think the wisest move is to end it is move on, I can certainly see the value in letting him move and seeing how things play out. I suspect if things fizzle out that way, you would feel a lot better about the relationship terminating.

 

Either way, you can feel that this has been a good relationship - one that shows you are loving and loveable and a good transition from your ex husband. Overall, it's a positive experience.

[Firiel]

Thank you. I know that his insecurity didn't "cause" him to do anything-- that his cheating on me was a decision he made, not something his circumstances forced him to do. It was the way we dealt with it (and the subsequent months we've now had together) that convinced me that he is, ultimately, an honest person. But then, if someone cheats once, they can cheat again, and the fact that I'm not sure I'd trust him far away does reveal that I don't really trust him.

[Firiel]

I vote to move on as well. I think you like the idea of G more than what he actually is to you. What I read here is "great friends" not "together forever" I just feel like this is your time to really shine, and you aren't going to be able to do that with a long distance relationship potentially dragging you down. I think you know what you need to do when the time comes, anyways. Am I right?

 

Yes and no. I think when I started the original post, I was pretty sure we'd need to break up if he left. But by the time I finished it, I was almost leaning the opposite direction. We just have so much left to DO together. Curious-- what do mean by "great friends" as opposed to "together forever"? I ask because B and I were more "best friends who happen to be in a relationship too" more than G and I are, and I'm wondering what a "normal" romantic relationship comes accross as.

[Firiel]

Thanks, TOV. As someone who is also cautious to the point of perhaps giving relationships more credit than they are due, I appreciate your post.

 

That core of respect we have for each other is a big deal. Just this weekend, we had a disagreement. We talked it out, and at the end, he realized that certain generalizing ways of talking were hurtful to me, and I realized that I really need to work on bringing things up when they bother me instead of trying to convince myself I'm not bothered. And we were making jokes about it by the end of the evening.

 

I know that this is the time to start discussing the future in regards to kids because I haven't pushed the issue yet. He's said several things that lead me to believe, like you said, he is a bit unsure about kids. And I'm not sure of the nuances of his position mainly because I haven't pushed yet. I've kept thinking that I'll bring it up once he's in a more stable spot financially and emotionally. But now it's looking like he might move before he gets to that spot.

 

Can I feel warm inside and still feel hesitation? I wonder if after B, I can ever NOT feel hesitant about the thought of a future with someone. Is that normal? I feel like I live with the certainty that no one can actually be trusted. I think that fear might always be there...

[sophie274]

And the fact that I'm not sure I'd trust him far away does reveal that I don't really trust him.

 

I'm not sure about that. I agree that if you don't trust him far away, you don't trust him. But I think it's natural to be more nervous about faithfulness if your boyfriend is far away, and I don't think that means you don't trust him. Being physical only separated does make things harder, and I think it's foolish not to recognize that. It's easier to get into disagreements or fights, it's easier to feel disconnected, it's hard not having the physical side to the relationship. You're just up against more, IMO, so I don't find it odd to worry about whether or not your relationship can stand against the extra challenges.

 

Maybe I'm completely wrong. This is sort of relevant for me because right now I'm with my boyfriend (and I'm "living" with him -- more staying at his house because he lives in another country where I do not have a home or a job right now), but in a few weeks I'm leaving to travel for 2.5 months, and during probably a month and a half of that it will be difficult to be in contact, and during the rest we won't exactly be able to have long phone convos every night. I trust him, he's never given me any reason not to and we both feel very strongly about one another. But yeah, I'm a bit worried. We're going to go from seeing each other morning and night to not seeing each other at all and exchanging emails once a week! And it's not so hard to get lonely and make a mistake, though I'd say I'm more worried about being disconnected in a serious way than a one night stand. Does this mean I don't trust him? I don't think so, I think it means I recognize that it could be really hard. I don't stay awake at night worrying and I trust enough in our relationship that I'm definitely going, but I almost think it'd be a bit naive not to be a bit concerned. Ok, I'm not really experienced in LDRs so perhaps my feelings ARE unusual.

[Firiel]

I'm not sure about that. I agree that if you don't trust him far away, you don't trust him. But I think it's natural to be more nervous about faithfulness if your boyfriend is far away, and I don't think that means you don't trust him. Being physical only separated does make things harder, and I think it's foolish not to recognize that. It's easier to get into disagreements or fights, it's easier to feel disconnected, it's hard not having the physical side to the relationship. You're just up against more, IMO, so I don't find it odd to worry about whether or not your relationship can stand against the extra challenges.

 

And I suppose my ex-husband having an affair while we were long distance doesn't help me feel more confident about an LDR. I know how difficult LDRs can be... they really do stress the relationship of the people involved.

[sophie274]

And I suppose my ex-husband having an affair while we were long distance doesn't help me feel more confident about an LDR. I know how difficult LDRs can be... they really do stress the relationship of the people involved.

 

Of course. Though I think B was always going to be looking for a way out, the way he blamed you for all the problems in your marriage.

 

Keep us posted!