oitnb Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Last night after one too many drinks I told my boyfriend that I was falling in love with him. (We've been dating about 8 months) He gave me a big speech about how he cares for me a lot and isn't going anywhere any time soon... And how he's just not there yet. And he's not going to lie just to make me feel good cause that wouldn't be right. I ended it with saying okay and I understand I didn't say it to put pressure on him and to take his time... But now I feel like we need to take a few steps back since he's not there. He has a key to my house and a designated drawer and he stays here a lot... Like he's here more than he's at his own house. I just want to know if that's the right decision? To slow it down a bit? I don't want him to think I'm "punishing" him for not being ready to say I love you... But I don't want to be taken advantage of and I don't want to mess this up. He's a great guy. I just feel like he likes staying here cause he can be an adult and have fun ect... (I live alone he lives with his dad) I need some advice I'm very confused and I want this to work. He's the sweetest bf I've had honest to God. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 You don't have to take steps back, nor punish him by taking away his sleep over/drawer privileges. You just rein in your expectations a bit, and carry on. Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 17, 2014 Author Share Posted March 17, 2014 You don't have to take steps back, nor punish him by taking away his sleep over/drawer privileges. You just rein in your expectations a bit, and carry on. I guess the reason I feel like I need to slow it down is because I feel like we skipped a few steps. He darn near lives here but can't say I love you... So I don't know. I talked to my closest friend about it and she agrees but that might just be because she's protective of me cause she's seen what's happened to me in the past... Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Well --- you allowing him to darn near live there without knowing if he loved you or not.... When you give partial info in a post, you won't get the best possible advice. Cut back on time spent together. If he is staying out of convenience and not commitment, you have a problem Houston. Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 I don't think it is too much to expect an "I love you" after 8 months of dating, spending lots of time with each other, spending a lot of time at your house and he's "not quite there yet"? I think after a year if he's still "not quite there" then he isn't going to be...It's up to you if you want to stick around and find that out Link to comment
GinNJuice Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 I agree, stop spending so much time together. Don't forsake his drawer, but start doing things without him more. Link to comment
greta96 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Yes, I don't think either that you messed up anything. 8 months is enough time to know whether you love someone or not, so even though it is usually a good idea to let the guy say it first, there is nothing wrong with the fact that you said it. I would probably feel the same way you do, if he doesn't love you, then why is he almost living at your place? For the sex? To get away from the place he shares with his dad? I would definitely step back a little, not as punishment, but because you two obviously aren't on the same page feelings-wise. Link to comment
Kendahke Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 He gave me a big speech about how he cares for me a lot and isn't going anywhere any time soon... And how he's just not there yet. And he's not going to lie just to make me feel good cause that wouldn't be right. Given that he feels this way, if he's not there yet, no sense in him getting comfortable as he would if he was there. There is such a thing as taking advantage of someone's generosity. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 I agree with giving it a few more months and guarding your heart a bit. Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 17, 2014 Author Share Posted March 17, 2014 I don't want to make it seem as if he's just mooching off me, he's boughten tons of stuff for the house, he bought me a nice gun (were gun enthusiasts lol), he's boughten groceries ect... Link to comment
MisUnderstood9 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 It took me and my boyfriend (of now 4 years) 2 years for both us to say I love you to each other. I feel we both show eachother ways that we love each other in other ways then saying it. Even after we both said I love you (which were after one of us did something to show love), we don't say it very often to eachother period. But I know when he looks at me and randomly says "Baby youre beautiful" or "Baby, I miss you" in a text or over the phone or does little things to make me happy I know that those are his ways of saying he loves me and vice versa. I love you is nothing but 3 words that society has strung together and ingrained in us to say -- whether they mean it or not when in a relationship. I'd rather be shown acts of love then to hear the words. Actions always speak louder then words. If he isnt ready to say it, thats fine -- but I wouldn't slow anything down. If you do that, it could start him thinking that because he isnt ready that means you are ready to end it and I am sure that you don't want that. Look at the last 8 months -- has there been times that he has gone out of his way to show you how much you mean to him? If so, he already loves you, he just doesn't want to say it out loud yet, which is fine. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 I'd be really hurt if someone was pretty much living with me and after 8 months didn't think they loved me. Thats not too soon AT ALL I'd take a step back like you are thinking. Start becoming more independent and doing more things without him and cut back on the sleepovers. NOT as punishment but If he doesn't love you yet I see you potentially getting hurt Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 We're not talking about the specific "I love you" statement - he has claimed he is not there yet and she is, are you saying you didn't fall in love with your boyfriend until 2 years had passed? He doesn't love her in the way she does, he has told her that to her face but that he cares for her a lot. I think people are capable of caring about someone and spending time with them but then just not finding that "spark" that gives them that "in love" feeling. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 ^^ This And I'd be scared to go all into a relationship where it may never develop into love. I think most people know by about 6 months if they are falling in love or not. Link to comment
MisUnderstood9 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 We're not talking about the specific "I love you" statement - he has claimed he is not there yet and she is, are you saying you didn't fall in love with your boyfriend until 2 years had passed? He doesn't love her in the way she does, he has told her that to her face but that he cares for her a lot. I think people are capable of caring about someone and spending time with them but then just not finding that "spark" that gives them that "in love" feeling. Not true. I had the "in love" spark w/ my boyfriend the moment I met him and him too. I just didnt need to say it, he knew I cared about him and I knew he cared about me and we were fine with not saying until we felt it was the right time for both of us. Just because we dont say it to eachother doesnt mean that we didn't fall in love with eachother until we said it. Ive asked my bf before when he said he knew he fell in love with me and he said he has always known he loved me but just wasnt ready to say the words, but he always showed me that he loved me in other ways then words.. That's all I am saying. You dont need to hear 3 stupid words to know someone loves you, if they love you they will show it in little random acts of love WAY before they will ever say the words out loud. We are just not people who need to hear the words to know we love eachother. We know we love eachother without saying it because of the things we do for eachother... Those 3 little words cause so many issues when it comes to relationships, they end relationships all the time just because someone isn't ready to say them. Why put a good thing in jeporady over 3 little words that really are nothing just words! I'd rather be shown random acts of love then to hear "I love you" every day. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 As others have said, if he's "not there yet" by eight months, he probably won't ever be. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 I guess everyone is different. It's what that person is comfortable with in their relationship. For some not saying I love you is ok, for others its a deal breaker. For some 8 months is a small amount of time for others it's time enough to know Whatever you decide and however you feel OP, that is ok. You have to do what is right for you. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 I think you need to talk more and get some clarity on what he means exactly on not there yet. Like he doesn't know he wants to marry you kind of not there? 'Cause that would be reasonable. You really have to be careful about projecting your own timeline and understanding of things to another person, because it will backfire on you every single time. People are different, how they think is different. There is no right or wrong in that. However, in a relationship there needs to be understanding of how each thinks, approaches things, rather than leaping to conclusions. I know of many guys to who "i love you" means essentially I want to marry you down the road. Weird, sure, but that's the weight they put on those three words. This means you won't hear them until they are there and it has more value than the guy telling you he loves you in a few weeks or a month or two. Personally, I've rather hear it down the road and independently because he feels it and means it, rather than just words uttered because that's the expected exchange. The former has value, the latter doesn't. Having said all that, either he is the best bf ever or he is using you. You can't have it both ways so figure it out. Right now you are talking out of both sides of your mouth. In your shoes, I'd ask for clarification, depending on what he says, give it more time or not. If more time, give myself a limit to how much time that is. I really wouldn't change the dynamics of the relationship though or start punishing him by taking backwards steps in the meantime. Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 17, 2014 Author Share Posted March 17, 2014 It seems to be half and half, half of you saying don't change the dynamics but just keep an eye out and the other half saying take a step back... I guess I'll just need to think about it. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 We are all different though. Everyone is going to think differently based on their own personal standards. Only you know what is right for you. I wish you the best with whatever you decide Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 It seems to be half and half, half of you saying don't change the dynamics but just keep an eye out and the other half saying take a step back... I guess I'll just need to think about it. Kind of underscores the need for you to talk to him more openly about this and get a better grasp on what an ilu actually stands for and means to him, doesn't it? Link to comment
louisecar Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Just because he isn't in love after 8 months doesn't mean he never will be. People are different and some, like myself, take a long time to fall in love whereas others fall really quickly. I do think you are going wrong by giving him a key to your place and letting him practically live there. He is getting the benefits of a committed relationship without having to show any commitment himself. It's like the saying why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Some people are super-stingy about the "L" word. It's some sacred cow to them. I don't get it. To me, sex in an exclusive relationship is a WAY bigger deal than the "L" word, but hey, that's just me. Maybe your guy is like that. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Not true. I had the "in love" spark w/ my boyfriend the moment I met him and him too. I just didnt need to say it, he knew I cared about him and I knew he cared about me and we were fine with not saying until we felt it was the right time for both of us. This is nice but not actually what is being discussed. He's not suggesting that he feels "in love" but just doesn't need to say it. He said "he's not there yet" which indicates there is a specific feeling that he is hoping to move towards. I'll give myself as an example. It took my bf 8 months to say it. Partly because this was a first relationship for him and he felt like saying "I love you" meant a commitment to the future. After we had that conversation, he did say it not long after. If I were you, I would (as others note) cut down on the time spent together. That's never healthy for any relationship and it is especially important for you both to learn how to be more independent when there is a possibility your relationship won't reach the emotional level it needs to be long-lasting. I would also give yourslf an internal timeframe. If after a year he doesn't feel it, he probably never will. Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 17, 2014 Author Share Posted March 17, 2014 Any advice on how to slow the relationship down? What should I say? I really wanna tread lightly because I don't want him to think I'm trying to punish him or pressure him to say it. Link to comment
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