MisUnderstood9 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Any advice on how to slow the relationship down? What should I say? I really wanna tread lightly because I don't want him to think I'm trying to punish him or pressure him to say it. If you want to slow it down, cut down the number of nights he sleeps over. Hang out maybe 2 days less during the week. If he asks why all of sudden -- be honest, just tell him that you think you need to slow the relationship down just a tad because you feel like you are way further ahead in it then he is and you want the two of you to be at the same level. Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 17, 2014 Author Share Posted March 17, 2014 Thanks for the advice everyone... I've never dealt with an issue like this and it's just tricky all around. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 It's tough because it could go either way. Hang in there. Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Okay so based on something that literally just happened I've decided I wanna have a big talk with him tonight.... His car is broken down and I've been occasionally letting him use my truck to drive. Not all the time, but yeah. Anyways his dad just called him last minute and said they need to go do a job they missed out on last week... (They work in there own company together) and My bf basically expected me to let him use my truck to drive there. I'm no dummy, this screams me being used and red flag. I expressed my frustration that his dad just called him last minute expecting him to find a way, knowing his car is broken down. But I dropped it and let him go because I want to sit down and think about what I'm going to say tonight. I'm mostly typing this to get my thoughts clear, but feel free to reply. Red flags / is he using me (this is prolly my fault as well because I've allowed it to happen without realizing it's became a pattern) : 1. I let him have get togethers at my house very frequently. Granted, my friends come as well, but they're usually his ideas and I just go with it. He's young so I could see how having a girlfriend with such a convenient fun "party" house could be appealing, and I want to make it clear I want to stop that. 2. Freedom. I've lived on my own before, he hasn't. This is his first taste of a "grown up" relationship with no rules - I.e parents barging in, curfews, ect. I don't want him to only be with me because he can play house, which is a big concern for me. 3. My car. His is broken down, and I've noticed he basically expects me to let him use it. He doesn't throw a fit if I say no, but he does act like it's expected. 4. The big I love you. He's expecting all the privileges of a serious, committed relationship without any commitment. I'm not asking him to propose or something crazy, nor am I expecting him to say I love you, but he can't expect to stay and let my feelings grow deeper if that's not what he's looking for... Good things / I'm overthinking / he's not using me : He does a lot for me. Cleans, cooks, buys things for the house. He spends almost all his free time with me, and we get along well. We have yet to argue or "get tired" of each other despite being together so much. He's protective of me. (In a good way) He loves my dogs and takes a big interest in training them and helping me with them. He's cleaned my houses carpets many times, for free. He's very affectionate. Our personalities mesh so well it's insane. He went out of his way to buy a firearm for me for home protection. After reading all of this, it seems like every thing balances out in the relationship but I still can't help but feel something's off. Ugh Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Ok...this is a lot at once. Pick your battles. 3) Ok, this guy needs to work and make money. if he had a job where he punched a clock at a corporation and his car was broken down, you certainly would offer to drop him off at work or let him borrow your car, right? I think you are upset about the car because the other things are compounding. Why not express that you need your car and you would be happy to drop him off at the job or drop him at his dad's. Or if you really don't need to truck - let it go this time and when he is done with it - maybe say "hey, i noticed you assumed and didn't ask. I worry that the car would get beat up because you put tools in it - can you get a rental?" I know it crosses over into territory of family encroaching, but this is not his dad asking him to go bowling at the last minute. its work. Dad is his boss. So - if he doesn't throw a fit if you say no, then its a NON ISSUE. You just in the future set boundaries on it, okay? As far as the other stuff, why not instead of accusing him of using, tell him you think his folks are cool, but has he ever thought of moving into his own place? Maybe he is saving up and you don't know it. If he says he thinks he would move in with you someday, tell him that it works better for people if each person has the experience of paying bills and managing their own house first. As far as parties, you are the gatekeeper. Don't say yes to all gatherings, or plan them yourself. Or suggest that he hosts something at his place (parents) and rotate it or suggest you all get together at the sports bar or wherever you hang out instead so its not at your place. I would not make every one of these a big issue. Just pick what you want to talk about - the rest should be handled in actions. You are half of the equation in this case. You are allowing some of it because he lives with his folks. I do think that sometimes you should go hang out with him at his place - the two of you cook for his folks or go watch a movie with him and go home afterwards. Not every day, but sometimes as that is where he lives. Not with you Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 You are correct. I do need to pick my battles and I probably am thinking of all this now because he can't say I love you. I just feel he's getting the privalges of a serious boyfriend and I'm not sure if he's taking the relationship as seriously as I am. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 You are a bit all over the place. Just erect boundaries. Your truck is yours and you are not going to let anyone else use it because it makes you uncomfortable. If he needs a ride because it's an emergency, you can drive him if you are available. Otherwise he can get a cab. Period. Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 You are a bit all over the place. Just erect boundaries. Your truck is yours and you are not going to let anyone else use it because it makes you uncomfortable. If he needs a ride because it's an emergency, you can drive him if you are available. Otherwise he can get a cab. Period. Should I discuss setting boundaries with him or just address them as they come from now on? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 I just feel he's getting the privalges of a serious boyfriend and I'm not sure if he's taking the relationship as seriously as I am. You need to tamp down the resentment here. You aren't entitled to his feelings. Let me say that again. You aren't entitled to his feelings. As a serious bf he is supposed to do what he can within his control - respect you, be trustworthy, communicate, be faithful etc. But his feelings are not within his control completely and it's unfair for you to punish him for that. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Should I discuss setting boundaries with him or just address them as they come from now on? You don't discuss setting boundaries. Just set the boundaries around this particular issue. Keep it simple and specific. Then move on. Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 You need to tamp down the resentment here. You aren't entitled to his feelings. Let me say that again. You aren't entitled to his feelings. As a serious bf he is supposed to do what he can within his control - respect you, be trustworthy, communicate, be faithful etc. But his feelings are not within his control completely and it's unfair for you to punish him for that. You're correct... I thank god for you guys on this forum sometimes. Honestly I guess I'm just hurt that I love him and he doesn't love me (yet hopefully). Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 You're correct... I thank god for you guys on this forum sometimes. Honestly I guess I'm just hurt that I love him and he doesn't love me (yet hopefully). I totally understand. I was in the same situation and I didn't handle it as well as you. The best thing you can do is get space from him so you don't say anything you regret. Give yourself some time. Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 My first thread post was about something similar, so I can relate. I gave up all the privileges of being in a serious relationship with me yet kept being told it wasn't. If this is about feelings alone, then he can't help that he's not there. However, it has been 8 months and you are 'there', you told him about it and he shot you down (in a nicer way) but I still think the rejection is going to loom over you from now on and you're probably going to apply any incident that happens now to that. Is he regarding your relationship as serious and committed? I'd say if he was it's a good sign, and he knows he is on the way to getting to where you are, however if he is still saying you're just dating, or your relationship is casual then I would be a little more wary. Link to comment
oitnb Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 He does regard our relationship seriously I feel. He spends all his time with me, I've met his family he's met mine, we do a lot of activities together. He's even joked about proposing to me one day by letting me pop one of his pimples (long story.... LOL) All the signs of his actions point to love. But apparently he isn't ready to say it. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 He didn't say he wasn't ready to say it. He said he didn't feel it. Big difference. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 I'm with Kendahke on this one. I think you need to tell him, "Look, we need to take a few steps back here. You need to stop staying at my house right now, because I"m confused. I thought this was going somewhere, but it kind of sounds like it's not and I feel like you just like staying at my house, because you can do what you like here." Yes, say to him exactly what you've said on this forum. If he gets mad and stomps out then you know it was the truth or maybe he'll take a few steps back and think things out too. And realize he can't and really shouldn't just expect to party at your place all the time with no serious commitment to you. Have you both even had the exclusive talk or are you even exclusive? If not, now is the time to have it and decide whether or not this relationship is going to progress. After dating 8 months honestly he should be able to say he loves you, especially if he's over at your place all the time. I'm not one for rushing things, but it's been nearly a year. It is indeed troubling that he can't or won't say it. So yes, sit him down and have that talk. If he leaves then you've saved yourself some wasted time when you thought one thing and he thought something else OR he'll maybe realize he should take it to the next level. I would personally be worried about him taking advantage of me at this point too, but you need to say something about it now and not just stay quiet and hope it'll all go away. It won't. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 I think you need to tell him, "Look, we need to take a few steps back here. You need to stop staying at my house right now, because I"m confused. I thought this was going somewhere, but it kind of sounds like it's not and I feel like you just like staying at my house, because you can do what you like here." Yes, say to him exactly what you've said on this forum. If he gets mad and stomps out then you know it was the truth or maybe he'll take a few steps back and think things out too. This kind of breaks every tenet of good communication. It's passive aggressive and it puts him on the defensive. If the point is to get him to walk out, then just break up and save the drama. But if your point is to communicate your feelings, you need to do it in less defensive, non-accustaory way. Here is a good resource on it: link removed Pointing the finger and using 'you' messages puts blame onto the other person. When we feel someone is blaming us we often become defensive. Once people become defensive or angry, communication usually breaks down. When to Use "I" statements: When we need to confront others about their behaviour When we feel others are not treating us right When we feel defensive or angry When others are angry with us STEP 1. LISTEN How to listen Firstly - Do not interrupt Repeat back to the person what they have just said (try to put it in your own words) Use 'ahaa etc.' to reinforce that you are listening Make sure your body language shows that you are listening Do not give advice (unless asked for) Example leader sentences: What I'm hearing is.... Did you say.... So you reckon.... I understand that.... So you say that.... STEP 2. USE "I" AND NOT "YOU' Example leader sentences: When I'm.... When I.... I think that I.... I feel that I.... My concern is.... STEP 3. REFER TO THE BEHAVIOUR NOT TO THE PERSON Example leader sentences: When I'm shouted at I.... When I'm sworn at I.... When I'm pushed around I.... When the towels are left on the floor I.... When I think I'm not being heard I.... When the toys are left on the floor I.... STEP 4. STATE HOW THE BEHAVIOUR AFFECTS YOU Ask yourself ... how does this behaviour affect me or make me feel? Example leader sentences: I feel unappreciated when.... I'm worried that something will go wrong if.... My concern is that.... I get really anxious when.... I get really scared when.... I feel hurt when.... I feel tired when.... STEP 5 STATE WHAT YOU NEED TO HAPPEN Example leader sentences: I need to.... I would like.... What I'd like to see happen is.... It would be nice if.... Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Actually I like Ms. Darcy's suggestions best. I think that's the way you need to handle it and I learned something too. Great post! Link to comment
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