To Marry or not to Marry.... that is the question.

[Ohio321]

Having attempted to contribute to another thread on this subject (I was heavily censored and the thread was closed) I think I should state that this thread is not :

 

• An attack on marriage or any married people or even people who are thinking of being married
  
• About religion
  
• About politics
  
• In any way prejudiced towards or against anyone
  

 

I find this forum a fascinating place. People post views and emotions and questions. Many of these centre around marriage. To marry or not. More often than not, not marrying can mean the end of the relationship. We live in a world where the society (for whatever cultural reason) expects people to go through the process/ritual/life milestone called marriage. Often this causes tensions and issues of greater significance than the relationship itself. It is tragic that the act of marriage and all the symbolism that goes with it should cause relationships to fail in so many cases. But there is a 3rd way.

 

I would say that we (as a human race) are inching forwards towards more enlightened times though there are many prejudices in this area. I use myself as an example. I have lived with my partner for 21 years. We are not married. We have 2 children (aged 15 and 10). We have all the aspects of good family life but we have chosen not to marry and we like it that way. Our view is that if two people love each other and chose to live together and have children we do not need the consent or recognition of anyone to do so.

 

We do of course encounter those who happen to disagree with our "lifestyle choice" but we regard this as their problem not ours. Nor do we have any negative view of marriage. The point I am making here is marriage is not a compulsory part of life (in our view). Being happy and loving each other is. That is the only criteria by which a relationship should survive or fail.

[dereitis]

My ex and I had conflicting views and it really helped us plummet in this sense. She was begging to get married and although I understand women want to "have their day" and so on and so fourth, I just don't understand why if we truly loved each other, why we would need paper and a ceremony to show it. She said if I didn't marry her by a certain time, she was gone. I think that's a direct representation of what love ISN'T. It was always very confusing to me why it was necessary to stay together. "I'm not going to be your girlfriend forever" I just don't get this viewpoint.

[Fudgie]

I've been with my current boyfriend for over 2 years and have been living with him for probably most of that time, and I'm very, very conflicted about marriage. We have had some serious disagreements about family (he doesn't want me to have a relationship with my father at all, won't bend on it) and I told him that I won't marry him. If our relationship ends it will be over the family issue, not the marriage one. He sort of came around and told me that he doesn't really care about getting married because neither of us wants kids (I'm pretty infertile anyway still can't ovulate, my period stopped) and he doesn't believe in marital property. I'm pretty inclined to agree.

 

I mean, the whole thing is if you want a wedding, have one. You don't have to get married to have a wedding. I could see myself doing that in the future, just to keep my parents happy.

 

I like the idea of societal acceptance and the Rings and all that. I just don't want the actual legal agreement. I still like my name. Oh, and I don't believe in martial property either.

 

Just my thoughts. I agree, marriage isn't for everyone. Probably isn't for me. I'm slowly coming around to accept this.

[Ms Darcy]

My ex and I had conflicting views and it really helped us plummet in this sense. She was begging to get married and although I understand women want to "have their day" and so on and so fourth, I just don't understand why if we truly loved each other, why we would need paper and a ceremony to show it. She said if I didn't marry her by a certain time, she was gone. I think that's a direct representation of what love ISN'T. It was always very confusing to me why it was necessary to stay together. "I'm not going to be your girlfriend forever" I just don't get this viewpoint.

 

I won't debate marriage at all here. It is a personal decision where each person's views should be valued.

 

I think the key here is actually about values and compatibility. If you do not value marriage and your gf does, then you two are not compatible. Life is soo much easier with a companion who shares your viewpoints on the important stuff to you because then it's not an argument/debate. It just is.

[lerenard]

Interesting! My dilemma for example is that -

I personally (hm, well, one part of me, so to say) couldn't care less about marriage, or the official side of it. You live happily together anyway, so why bother, right?

On the other hand sometimes I do wish to have a ceremony at some point in my life (I would say till I am 30 probably), with my father taking me to my husband-to-be, with a bridesmaid, with a dress and flowers and bachelorette party and a honey moon. I don't want an extremely expensive wedding, ring, dress and so on, its more symbolic to me, but I do want to hear "will you be mine forever?" and to see how he slips a ring on my finger. Any ring to be honest - I will still cherish it.

I also think that we are on the same page with my man on that now. We don't want to go and sign a paper to be married, but we would consider a ceremony later on, when we are ready. Still - there is nothing wrong with putting on a dress and a suit and just doing it.

[JagzOrDaFlash]

If you have to ask then....

[lerenard]

I think if YOU love a woman, and she wants to have "her day" you can let her have it, if it doesn't matter for you personally, for her it does.

men are often afraid of being married. because as I heard a lot - its against their nature to settle with one and only, and have the proof of that settlement written all over in black and white.

still I met couples where a guy wanted to put a ring on it, and the girl was refusing)

[pippy longstocking]

for me it was more of a commitment ..the ultimate commitment ....

I have never been married , I have only wanted to marry one person because he is the real deal . It is a spiritual thing for me , I have never dreamt of having " my day" , I have never dreamt of the big fairy tale wedding , it is the coming together of twin flames and been his wife , him my husband ...for me , it is the ultimate commitment and I see marrying the person you are in love with as a beautiful thing .

 

would I have been happy to be of been with him all my life without the wedding ? yes of course , without a doubt .

[OptomisticGirl]

I think if YOU love a woman, and she wants to have "her day" you can let her have it,

 

This is the common misconception with marriage/wedding. A wedding is one day, a marriage is what follows. Getting married should never be about the wedding (if it is you should probably reconsider getting married) but about what follows.

 

My husband and I have been married for 2 years now, a couple for almost 4. My personal view on it is if the relationsihp fails because the M word is discussed or brought up, you just have different view points. I think it's great you and your partner have been together for 21 years, that is something to be proud about, something very few couples reach these days. I don't think there is anything wrong with how you live your life - it's frankly none of my business if you've been married 21 years or in a committed relationship for 21 years.

[CatsMeeoow]

I like the idea of societal acceptance and the Rings and all that. I just don't want the actual legal agreement. I still like my name. Oh, and I don't believe in martial property either.

 

Sadly most states will eventually recognize common law marriage - sometimes its 7yrs and sometimes its 10yrs but depends on the state. If you co-habitate with your partner for that length of time whether or not you believe in marital property isn't up to you but the state and while you and your partner agree now about not attaching labels to what you own... add 10yrs and a bitter break up and it can be crazy. I had a friend who lived with her partner for many years when he died unexpectedly and while she had always gotten along with his family that changed on a dime after his death. Yes, the house was in his name but she worked for 10yr and contributed to the expense of that house and yet it was a horrible thing which they put her through to even get her belongings out of the house which she out right owned before she met him.

 

I think everyone has their right to their own choice in whether to marry or not but I think everyone needs to learn the law where they live and know how to protect themselves and their assests. Its beautiful to be in a committed relationship for 21 yrs but lets not loose sight of one of the reasons that the gay/lesbian community want equal marriage rights ---- their are clearly spousal benefits you will not receive from the federal government if you are just co-habitating. These are thoughts to have when choosing whether marriage is or isn't right for you and your partner.

[Seraphim]

I won't debate marriage at all here. It is a personal decision where each person's views should be valued.

 

I think the key here is actually about values and compatibility. If you do not value marriage and your gf does, then you two are not compatible. Life is soo much easier with a companion who shares your viewpoints on the important stuff to you because then it's not an argument/debate. It just is.

 

Yes, it is up to the couple.

[Batya33]

I'm glad this thread was posted for one reason -to let people like one of the posters who feels ambivalent about what she wants from her partner to air her concerns. Otherwise I don't see the point of posting about a relationship in which both adults want to live a certain lifestyle that doesn't hurt anyone else. (I'm not 100% sure it's best for children when the parents aren't married but I know of enough examples where it's basically irrelevant that I'm not too troubled). When I see a thread like this I wonder what the motivation is of the OP. It's sort of like posting "I choose to brush my teeth only at lunchtime and at night, not in the morning and to freshen my breath with mouthwash in the morning even though most people brush their teeth in the morning. OK, thanks for sharing......

 

But it is great to see people sharing their own experiences of not knowing whether they are on the same page as their SO.

 

I would not have gotten involved with my husband back then if marriage was not one of his goals (or any guy, when I was looking for something serious, which was almost all of the time that I dated). But that's just me. Being married -and the wedding ceremony -was very important to me but the party to celebrate the wedding was not, not in the least. Loved my wedding.

[Fudgie]

My state doesn't recognize or grant common law marriages thank god. I wouldn't live with my boyfriend if my state supported common law.

 

I don't really care why gays want marriage. I think it's up to them. I used to believe the benefits were worth something until I sat down and actually read. Now I don't believe they are worth it for me. When my boyfriend made the choice to try and isolate from my father, any scrap of desire for marriage went flying out the window.

 

Now I will probably not marry anyone because I don't want any to be screwed if a man does a change of heart on me and decides to tell me to stay away from family. Divorce is too messy.

 

I will never live in a state that grants common law. What a bloody mess.

[lerenard]

OptomisticGirl I meant that in some couples (that are in love and are happy together - that is out of question) a woman wants to have this great wedding and a man does not - he is OK with just being together. So it all ends up in a huge fight about how no one can compromise. But if a guy said it doesn't matter for him to have a ceremony - why can`t he do it for his woman? Because often men are not against it (or they say they aren't) they say they don't care about it. I would personally be amazingly happy to have my "wedding" in the field near the woods somewhere, where my mom would pretend to be our priest, and it would be hilarious - and no high heels, only bare feet allowed. And my boyfriend can put a ring made out of a nutshell on my finger - I don't care. Can he do that for me? Yes he can. )

I would agree that it is a question of compatibility. As everything in a relationship. Kids/no kids, animals/no animals, wedding/no wedding. Every couple chooses their own future. But if love was always only about compatibility - this forum wouldn't exist. But what a perfect world - everybody falls in love only with someone perfectly compatible for him/her. I think having different opinions on wedding (either to have it or not) isn't that big of a problem a couple can have. Sometimes a particular man just doesn't want to marry a particular woman. Or visa versa,

[Seraphim]

Just remember compatibility does not always mean that you will agree, but you can still be overall compatible. Whether to be married or not is still a big issue of compatibility. The big issues you should definitely be compatible on.Remember too being in love does not make one compatible. This site exists BECAUSE people think love makes them compatible when it is not actually so.

[Iggles]

This is the common misconception with marriage/wedding. A wedding is one day, a marriage is what follows. Getting married should never be about the wedding (if it is you should probably reconsider getting married) but about what follows.

 

My husband and I have been married for 2 years now, a couple for almost 4. My personal view on it is if the relationsihp fails because the M word is discussed or brought up, you just have different view points.

 

I agree!!

 

I'm still not sure if want a wedding or not (going to City Hall and having dinner later doesn't sound bad to me). However, I am 100% sure I want to get married.

 

The "everything else" is what's important to me. Not just memories from "one day". Plenty of people have gorgeous, fairy tale weddings only to have ugly divorces within a few years!

 

I had a friend who lived with her partner for many years when he died unexpectedly and while she had always gotten along with his family that changed on a dime after his death. Yes, the house was in his name but she worked for 10yr and contributed to the expense of that house and yet it was a horrible thing which they put her through to even get her belongings out of the house which she out right owned before she met him.

 

This is a horror story.. If one of you get sick or dies, as longtime live-in loves you don't have any spousal rights. Making it legal is not just a piece of paper.

[Batya33]

You really want to exchange vows with someone who doesn't care about marriage? Obviously 100% compatbility is very rare but I think compatible values on the big stuff is essential.

[Seraphim]

I agree!!

 

I'm still not sure if want a wedding or not (going to City Hall and having dinner later doesn't sound bad to me). However, I am 100% sure I want to get married.

 

The "everything else" is what's important to me. Not just memories from "one day". Plenty of people have gorgeous, fairy tale weddings only to have ugly divorces within a few years!

 

 

 

This is a horror story.. If one of you get sick or dies, as longtime live-in loves you don't have any spousal rights. Making it legal is not just a piece of paper.

 

That is the thing depending on where you live you may need that legal protection. I would rather I get all that I worked to build in case he dies. I know for sure my husband's family would have fought me to the death for every single last thing if he died and I was not married to him.

[OptomisticGirl]

Just remember compatibility does not always mean that you will agree, but you can still be overall compatible. Whether to be married or not is still a big issue of compatibility. The big issues you should definitely be compatible on.Remember too being in love does not make one compatible. This site exists BECAUSE people think love makes them compatible when it is not actually so.

 

Exactly. You can love someone with everything you have and they just not be the right person for you.

[Lester]

Mort, I'm confused?

In your first post you said, "She is married with kids and so am I and 23 years have passed." (Post 10/14/2013 #45)

 

Today you say, "I have lived with my partner for 21 years. We are not married."

 

I'm not sure what's going on with you. What exactly are you asking or stating?

 

 

Fyi:

You said, "I would say that we (as a human race) are inching forwards towards more enlightened times…"

- Only certain misinformed members of the human race believe this pop-culture dribble.

Returning prehistoric, (non-anthropological), times by not recording professions of commitment is simply an exercise in failing to remember the past and then repeating it.

 

PS, After the fact suits for property division and other claims can be titled or headed differently, but the outcome is still the same. State by state common law definitions/determinations are irrelevant during such suits.

[lerenard]

Exactly. You can love someone with everything you have and they just not be the right person for you.

 

and that is exactly what I meant as well.

 

Batya33, I can exchange vows with him even if we will never get married. Whats stopping me? And he doesn't care about the wedding, not about our life together.

[agent1607307371]

Mort, I'm confused?

In your first post you said, "She is married with kids and so am I and 23 years have passed." (Post 10/14/2013 #45)

 

Today you say, "I have lived with my partner for 21 years. We are not married."

 

 

Hi Lester, it looks like that is a reference to an old gf that the OP was trying to start something with. Being married or not being married is not a defence against the grass seeming greener, apparently.

[greywolf]

Marriage benefits are important to a lot of people.

[CatchersRye]

Marriage benefits are important to a lot of people.

 

Agreed. I had a brother who had been with his girlfriend for 7 years or so. They then lived together for at least 5 years before marrying, my timeline may be off. He never saw the benefit of marriage and yet married her in 2011.

 

After the engagement was announced, I talked to him about it. He the decision came about after talking with her and some of my family members. Spousal support was a key motivator for him to change his decision.

 

I wouldn't say it was the only motivator, but it definitely factored into it. He used ot see it as a piece of paper or some recognition from the government. But he learned that marriage also gave him and his wife protections as well as power of attorney. That's important. Our families get along great, but legally marriage is a huge benefit.

 

The reason why marriage can be so hard to wrap your head around is, there's the religionous meaning behind it, but then you have the legal contract of marriage. I agree with my brother, spiritually, I don't need marriage to be committed to someone, but I do want my family, and the person I care most for, to be protected, respected, and treated as I would wnat them to be treated.

 

Everyone needs to decide for themselves what they want and what marriage means to them. It's not just about being enlighten or not, it's about understanding the greater scope of what marriage means.

[HeatherB]

To me, marriage is about taking that extra step to lock in your relationship. You don't have to. It's just telling the world that you've decided on forever with this person. It's supposed to be positive. It means you found a really good one.

 

- If the idea of being stuck together "forever" scares either of you, rather than delighting, DO NOT get married.

- If you don't know enough yet to determine whether or not being stuck together forever would be heaven or hell, you don't know enough yet to get married.

- If you don't trust your partner enough to know they wouldn't ruin you if the marriage fell apart, don't get married. People change, but you can get a good idea of how they handle being scorned by looking at how they've handled it in the past.

 

If marriage fades away, something an awful lot like marriage will replace it. You can't get rid of the basic human need for security and stability.