How to break news of an unconventional relationship to the family...

[pl3asehelp]

Alright, look we can go back and forth about "qualifications" but you guys don't know and haven't seen poly families with kids. You are assuming based on your personal feeling that poly is bad. I know a lot of really wonderful poly parents and a lot of wonderful kids who have been raised in poly homes. Good homes come in all shapes and sizes. And having 3 or 4 or 5 adults who identify as primary caregivers can be a very supportive very loving very attentive environment for a child, not to mention all the extra support and time the biological parents get and the deep bonds the non-bio parents get to enjoy.

 

You are wrong - I have seen poly families and I've said that more than once in this thread. None of them look like functional emotionally supportive environments for kids to me. I have nothing against being poly and don't think it's bad at all as long as you're not impacting others, but when you have kids you're crossing the line and you are forcing your choice upon them. I also think that unless you've been a parent yourself or have been a social worker for decades that it's possible for you to even recognize what a good environment for a child looks like. It's very easy for things to look great at a superficial level.

 

It's fine to disagree, but don't assume others opinions come from ignorance of poly relationships.

[Blue Spiral]

I think it's better not to tell people anything. I'm probably pretty close to being poly, myself. Granted, I've always been a reserved/private person, and I've never cared about acceptance or anything like that. My family is pretty negative in general; I'm not going to give them something new to moan about.

 

Incidentally, 90% of "mono" families I've seen have raised screwed-up kids. Somehow, I don't think that's an excuse to bash monogamy...

[rosephase]

You are wrong - I have seen poly families and I've said that more than once in this thread. None of them look like functional emotionally supportive environments for kids to me. I have nothing against being poly and don't think it's bad at all as long as you're not impacting others, but when you have kids you're crossing the line and you are forcing your choice upon them. I also think that unless you've been a parent yourself or have been a social worker for decades that it's possible for you to even recognize what a good environment for a child looks like. It's very easy for things to look great at a superficial level.

 

 

I'm not going to convince you that poly families are amazing and you aren't going to convince me that they are innately unhealthy. I hope that as time passes and more poly people are out of the closet and have better resources and more community that you will see more and more poly families and see how different and the same they are as everyone's family.

 

OP this is why I always want poly people to come out. I still think it is a personal choice but the more of us there are out there the more people will see it as a real option.

[DylanNotorious]

If I was her father and she was coming to me with that ridiculous news - I'd tell her she needs her head read.

[Blue Spiral]

If I was her father and she was coming to me with that ridiculous news - I'd tell her she needs her head read.

 

Just imagine...twenty years ago, it was much more common for parents to have that reaction if their kid came out of the closet.

[catfeeder]

I think it's better not to tell people anything. I'm probably pretty close to being poly, myself. Granted, I've always been a reserved/private person, and I've never cared about acceptance or anything like that. My family is pretty negative in general; I'm not going to give them something new to moan about.

 

Incidentally, 90% of "mono" families I've seen have raised screwed-up kids. Somehow, I don't think that's an excuse to bash monogamy...

 

Hah! I agree. While the point of the thread was about communication with family about a lifestyle choice, I can appreciate the desire and opportunity to debate the lifestyle for its own merits. HERE. I'm just with you on privacy for it's own sake when it comes to family.

 

I feel fully able to share my life with family without a desire to rough them up with my politics, religious beliefs or views on sex. Discretion is not a lie, it's an informed and thoughtful decision. I don't feel a need to sell anyone else on my lifestyle or to win their approval.

 

If friend wants to share holidays and spread joy, bring the whole new family and blend them with family of origin and let the love speak for itself--without announcements or politics or labels or fanfare.

 

You don't need a TMI parade in order to avoid a lie. Just live.

[rosephase]

I live with both of my partners. If I hadn't told my mom she could have very easily that they were having an affair while visiting and that would have caused a lot of stress for my mom and started her interactions with my girlfriend off on the very very very wrong foot. I had been with my girlfriend for two years when I came out. I had been poly for five. I didn't feel the need to tell my folks about my other relationships because I wasn't building my life with those people and felt very much that my sex life isn't a discussion I want to have with my folks. But I am life committed to two people, we are building a life together. We make choices for and with each other. We share fiancees. We are a family. I want both of my partners to be welcome in my parents house. I want to be able to kiss my girlfriend in front of her folks. And that is why I came out.

 

I don't sit down and graphically describe my sex life to them. It isn't to much information it is a pretty massive part of my life that I would be hiding from my parents. And yes it would be Hiding... I would have to lie. I would have to pretend not to be my girlfriend's romantic partner when my family was around and that hurts. I don't know if you have any idea what it's like to move from partner to roommate and how much work that takes to keep up. You can't call each other pet names, you can't touch in familiar ways. You can't say "I love you". It blows.

 

This is my life that I choose. This is my family that I am building. My parents don't just love the normal side of me. I think it's unfair to them to keep this part of my life form them. They would never really know who I was if I was hiding such a huge, important, defining choice that shapes the way I see the world and has taught me how to be the person I want to be. My parents want to know who they raised. My mom is proud of me. She is still figuring it all out but she thinks what we are doing is strange and amazing. My girlfriend's parents let us all sleep in the same bed at there house. We are very lucky to have parents that love and trust us and have open minds about what things "should" look like.

[itsallgrand]

Just imagine...twenty years ago, it was much more common for parents to have that reaction if their kid came out of the closet.

 

That's different.

 

I don't see how this arrangement the OP's friend is in could be anything but personal choice.

 

Even if we were to go so far as to say that it is not choice, necessarily, that someone be born poly. Friend here is making many myriad choices to get into this particular situation and brings up lots of potential reasons to not celebrate this "relationship".

 

Because regardless of whether she orientates to one partner or many, she still always has the choice in what type of arrangements she enters into.

 

See to me, if she were to announce her orientation now, it could easily become more about the legit issue of her entering into a situation where she is not in an equal situation with her partner(s). She's the one on the outside, legally, and unless she lives somewhere where poly marriages are legal and hold weight, she is putting herself in a pretty vulnerable situation from the get go here. So they may be concerned about that, for one.

 

Potentially, also, the parents may have issue with sleeping with a married person. With their consent doesn't really change the fact, and if someone values marriage as a commitment to one - they might just see it as treating marriage as though it is worthless or worse to be openly sleeping with a married person. This isn't about her orientation either - she could have easily chosen a partner who is not married.

 

Then there is the whole issue of bringing a kid into the mix. Well they may have reservations about that too.

 

All and all, it not really being about whether the friend want to be in multiple relationships or poly even. More the particular choices of it. And the timing, too, of saying something.

 

I would really like to know, given all that, why she'd want to tell. It's not about the poly even. There are times we all keep things to ourselves because, we weigh our wants against how it may impact other people. At least, I know I have. ANd pretty sure you have, blue spiral.

 

Some people do feel more of a need to announce everything and expect it all to be celebrated, regardless. I think here of a cousin of mine who would bring every single relationship - appropriate or not - to the family's attention and expect it to be received. It's not that this cousin was not accepted as a person, but that doesn't mean we need ot celebrate nor be exposed to every single choice they make. And make no mistake, this is a choice.

 

People did often used to believe being gay was a choice. That is why they had reacted that way. You know that. You know it's different. You are just stirring the pot. lol.

[rosephase]

 

People did often used to believe being gay was a choice. That is why they had reacted that way. You know that. You know it's different. You are just stirring the pot. lol.

 

I think poly is a choice. Some poly people don't think it's a choice.

 

But what does it matter? It's my choice to rent. It's my choice to go to grad school. My career is my choice. Even if you are gay you can make the choice to have a differently sexed life partner because it's easier. I think my actions are okay. I think my actions should be at least attempted to be understood by the people who love me, like my parents. I don't think there is anything immoral or wrong about my choices and I don't feel that I should be forced to hide them for other people's comfort.

 

Just because it is my choice doesn't mean I shouldn't want or desire my parents support and acceptance.

[poetryandlyrics]

I studied a bit on this relationships academically. Some could argue, for some people, it is not a choice. Some people just are not meant to be monogamous, and this relationships suits them best as having those few people (not cheating otherwise) fits all their needs because being in a monogamous relationship would still not fulfill every single person's needs. Maybe one is less social than the other, one is less intellectual than the other (but still attractive, just not in the aspect one wants like philosophy versus other abtract thinking), and so on. Plus, it is noted that children do best in a community environment -- a lot of people catering to the needs of the child, and having multiple caretakers would be fine. I did note some here picking apart on whether the children would be fine or the merits of this style of relationships. There are benefits to this from all point of views. But really, that's not the question of this thread --how to communicate with the family.

 

Individuals come from different family styles -- wanting more communication or not as another poster said one boyfriend did not tell and another did, depending. But this is not a sex lifestyle, it's a relationship style, and awfully hard to walk around it. What of holidays or some such? Should one hide from those gatherings, not come at all, or come but abandon relationships, or come with "friends"? There are different ways a difficult situation would be encountered. Sharing this relationship style would ease the tension.

 

Yes, there would people who would not be alright with this for multiple reasons, as noted in this, but that should all ease away with time in their intensity then they'll note that there's nothing for them to do. Such as for every other thing they would probably disapprove (like in radical comparison for some or not so radical, homosexual or interracial or age gap relationships), but those issues depends on the person. But that's life, you can't please everybody nor have them see the same train of thoughts as you, no matter how conservative or liberal it is, right or wrong. But that's not the question -- the question is how to tell the family, not ways it would be denied. Those reasons can be used as a basis, sure, but not without any answer to how. And honestly, one poster explained it already -- with time. And it's better to start now to ease into the tolerance or acceptance of it later by others, or wait silently till she is in a relationship for years, years enough the others can say the relationship is solid enough to thrive with multiple people and a child and then share. Maybe that'd be better. Or perhaps it'd still be the same, but the answer still proves: with time.

[pl3asehelp]

I'm not going to convince you that poly families are amazing and you aren't going to convince me that they are innately unhealthy. I hope that as time passes and more poly people are out of the closet and have better resources and more community that you will see more and more poly families and see how different and the same they are as everyone's family.

 

OP this is why I always want poly people to come out. I still think it is a personal choice but the more of us there are out there the more people will see it as a real option.

 

I would not try to convince you that poly relationships are innately unhealthy because I don't believe that's true. All I think is that it's an unhealthy environment for raising children based on the poly people I know and how they parent. If a bunch of families pop up where this works out great for the kids and they have their parents full attention and dedication 100% of the time, which would be different from all the ones I've already seen, I'd support it 100%. But until then, I'll go by what I've seen.

[itsallgrand]

I think poly is a choice. Some poly people don't think it's a choice.

 

But what does it matter? It's my choice to rent. It's my choice to go to grad school. My career is my choice. Even if you are gay you can make the choice to have a differently sexed life partner because it's easier. I think my actions are okay. I think my actions should be at least attempted to be understood by the people who love me, like my parents. I don't think there is anything immoral or wrong about my choices and I don't feel that I should be forced to hide them for other people's comfort.

 

Just because it is my choice doesn't mean I shouldn't want or desire my parents support and acceptance.

 

Well personally, to me, it does matter if it is choice or not. Maybe not for everyone, but I'm not some weirdo. I know if/when I bring people home, or ask my family to welcome someone, it matters. Because if it's choice, then that person is accountable. That person is choosing their own path, and anything that comes with it.

 

So. Then. Since she did ask how you would....my opinion would be to wait to be asked, use natural cues, use natural ins. I guess - it's then about personal approach and personal relationships with your family. Depends on them, right. No different than anything or anyone else. Mom: so seeing anybody? Actually yes...

 

Okay, not hard. Not hard to tell.

 

But what is she really asking? she is asking for acceptance. Of course. Cause if she wasn't, she would just tell it and be done with it and that's it.

 

The whole point though really of my posting that was to say that it is possible to accept someone without accepting every choice they make. I accept my cousin as a person - I don't accept that she brings home married men. Make sense? There is a difference between wanting acceptance for who you are, and acceptance for your choices.

 

Not out to argue. But I do get frustrated with the line of thinking that goes...everything must be accepted, or else people are ignorant. Why can't people actually have certain ethics - why are they necessarily the ones who are "wrong"? When there's two sets of beliefs coming at each other, there will always be some clashes. Doesn't mean people can't love each other and accept each other (know this in my own life). But it's unrealistic to expect everyone to accept and agree with it all.

[Batya33]

You are ignorant in this because you have never seen a poly family. You can't assume to know that it will be unhealthy for children. Clearly you care a lot about kids and have a lot of experience with them but you have no understanding of poly and how it works, so that is why you are speaking from an ignorant place. That is okay, a lot of people don't know what poly is or how it looks or functions but personally not having the information and making a negative assumption based off of prejudice is ignorant.

 

I don't have to see a poly family to have an informed opinion (and seeing a handful of poly families wouldn't give me much relevant information). I've studied and am well read on what's in the best interests of a child, and worked with hundreds of children and I'm a mom. I'm not calling you "ignorant" just because you've never been a mother - that would be just plain wrong. I agree with pleasehelp that it's not about your choice to be involved in these sexual/romantic arrangements it's about whether a child should be subjected to that environment -the child doesn't get a choice in the matter.

[Blue Spiral]

That's different.

 

That's what they always say, at first.

 

There are all sorts of "lifestyle choice" things that were once controversial, and now aren't, for the most part. Interracial marriage, single motherhood, postponing marriage, not getting married at all, surrogate pregnancy/other science-y pregnancy things, etc.

 

Every single "consenting adult lifestyle choice" has followed the Gandhi pattern: "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win." If you think this is the one time that it won't happen, well, don't let me stop you. But I wouldn't bet on it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's what they always say, at first.

 

There are all sorts of "lifestyle choice" things that were once controversial, and now aren't, for the most part. Interracial marriage, single motherhood, postponing marriage, not getting married at all, surrogate pregnancy/other science-y pregnancy things, etc.

 

Every single "consenting adult lifestyle choice" has followed the Gandhi pattern: "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win." If you think this is the one time that it won't happen, well, don't let me stop you. But I wouldn't bet on it.

 

That doesn't necessarily mean they were positive changes. For example, now that living together without being married is the acceptable....marriage is what is now being ridiculed by many. The people living together without marriage are now buying houses together, making babies together and having all the trappings of marriage without being legally married, and yet ridicule the institute of marriage. Then they split up and find out they have the same legal hassles with the house and the kids that they would have had if they would have been married.

 

Then there is rampant casual sex which has become so much the norm that anyone who doesn't have casual sex is ridiculed as a prude or religious. There is an expression I once heard "when the unreal is viewed as real, the real becomes the unreal". Bottom line is that the more liberal sexual and relationship values have become, the more intolerant people have become towards the previous values so that now it is the previous values which have to fight for acceptance.

[superfan]

The point of this was not whether her lifestyle should be viewed as valid or not (though really I should have expected that reaction from some) but rather that she was unsure of how to tell her family who have not been exposed to the lifestyle before.

 

I find it disappointing that so many are saying that if they were her parents that they would not be accepting/tolerant of the lifestyle choice. She, too, has been watching this thread. Thanks to everybody who sincerely tried to help offer opinions as to how to break it to the parents (as opposed to stating why it was such a bad idea in the first place.)

 

I have known her parents since I was a teenager. They are good, solid people. I think for the most part they would be willing to at least try. I know her mother would just want her to be happy.

 

And to clarify just a couple of other things here: "Joe" is not the only person in the relationship that is "allowed" to go outside the relationship. "Jane" and my friend are also both able to go outside the relationship and to be with other men if they so choose. While the three are committed to each other, they do (and have) had flings with other people. So no, "Joe" is not just the one calling the shots with two women on his arm.

 

As for all the comments about how damaging a poly lifestyle would be on a child, I have yet to see anybody state just HOW it would be damaging. I frequently hear the same things said about single parents and/or gay couples or frankly any kind of family unit that falls outside the nuclear man/woman 2.5 kids and a dog kind of structure.

 

People can cry to the heavens how "traditional values" have come "under attack" by all us crazy liberal casual sex loving hippies (which I find ironic when a baby boomer says that given that most of them came of age in the 60s and 70s - just sayin'), but at the end of the day, man/woman marriages are still the most legally recognized and anything else by and large is considered "deviant" from that by most societies.

 

It's not about forcing a lifestyle on anybody else. She doesn't want to force her lifestyle on anybody - you can continue to feel that her lifestyle is wrong, or whatever else - you don't have to live it. But I think society DOES need to acknowledge that it has a right to exist and it's not hurting anybody. Anybody who stands there and says "I know poly families and the kids have been completely messed up" is giving nothing but ANECDOTAL evidence. Nothing to back it up but "I know so and so and it didn't work therefore it can't work".

 

She wants to tell her family because for her, it IS a serious relationship. It is something she wants to be able to involve her parents in because she loves these people. She wants to invite them to family holidays, gatherings, etc. It's not about telling her parents her sexual history, but rather being honest about who they are and what they represent to her. I don't see anything wrong with that. At the moment I think she will just start slowly by dropping hints/putting on episodes of Sister Wives to see how they react and working her way in from there. Thanks for all who took the time to respond to the actual question.

[Batya33]

I think if she is pretty sure her parents would see it (as many would) as an affair with a married couple and as an unstable arrangement- if it would hurt them more than anything else then perhaps she should put their interests first. Obviously she is entitled to her opinion that they "should" accept her choice and she's entitled to tell them that her priority is to have them be part of her life only if they accept this interaction she has with this married couple. I'm not sure that elevating it to the label of "lifestyle choice" works here since it sounds like it's simply that she was attracted to these two people who happen to be a married couple.

 

I'm not going to do the research for you on why it's not in the best interests of a child to be exposed to her/his parents having sex outside the marriage and bringing their other sex partners into the home to get involved with and attached to the child (for one thing, if the child gets attached which they often do and the outside person moves on that's certainly harmful to the child -obviously divorce happens too but the risks are certainly higher with an outsider who has no legal or biological relationship to the child). That's only one reason - the research has been around for a very long time, long before people came out as poly. If you or your friend feel like doing the research you will. I know I did lots of research and studying in connection with my overwhelming desire to be a mother and continue to do regular reading/studying/consulting as I raise our child. It depends how much you choose to invest in being involved in raising a child and what your priorities and values are.

[Blue Spiral]

Bottom line is that the more liberal sexual and relationship values have become, the more intolerant people have become towards the previous values so that now it is the previous values which have to fight for acceptance.

 

I view that as karma more than anything else. Instead of having a cultural monopoly--instead of people being bullied into automatically doing something--there's now a marketplace of ideas, and you can't just sit back and assume people will live like you do. You have to actually find reasons why your lifestyle is good. And if you can't do that, you shouldn't be surprised if people switch to something else. This isn't about being libertine, it's about pragmatism. If something isn't working for someone, they tend to try something else, instead. It's been happening en masse for quite some time, as it turns out that some traditions only work if there's cultural pressure forcing people to stay in them and be miserable.

 

This thread is a bit personal for me: I've never been able to have a long-term relationship, as I have a complete inability to be monogamous for any significant length of time. That's why I'm stuck doing FWB. With a poly relationship, that wouldn't be an issue. I don't know, maybe people think that society is more stable with people like me doing meaningless FWB, instead of getting into unconventional-but-committed relationships.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you're not planning on having children with your sex partners though which I think is a main issue people have raised with the polygamous lifestyle.

[superfan]

She isn't sure she will be telling them right now, but she definitely wanted to tell them at some point in the future, especially if they do move towards having her move in and they do begin to work on getting pregnant. My friend does not want children of her own, so an arrangement where she could help out with their child would be ideal for her. She wants to provide a support network for them, as they in turn have provided her with friendship and love. She doesn't see it as her being "used" or that she is somehow getting the shorter end of the relationship stick so to speak.

 

As for having a child, I am sure you could send links a-plenty to studies that have said Polyamourous lifestyles are dangerous for children and I could also point you towards various other links to studies that say the opposite (I have indeed done research of my own - as have "Jane" and "Joe"). Both of them are involved very heavily in the cutting edge of many scientific studies and advances towards that end and many others (it goes with the field they work in). Depending on how the study is conducted you could prove the sky is orange or that it rains skittles if you use the right variables. I am not saying none of these studies have merit, but that basing an opinion on a lifestyle like that ONLY on a study, or anecdotal evidence is not always going to be accurate. People are highly variable and how one child reacts to a situation might be totally different than another and that cannot be pinpointed or isolated. I think in time, when the poly lifestyle becomes more common you will see many of those studies change towards the positive. A lot of the times, situations like these are "damaging" to children because of the larger view society has on the subject. But that is neither here nor there.

[superfan]

You're not stuck with doing anything - go with the polyamorous route...why not? You have said it yourself you aren't capable of monogamy...why not just involve yourself with others who are like minded? I know personally at least 8 other couples who identify as open and have open or poly relationships...it is getting to the point where more of my friends are poly than monogamous...I am sure if you look you will find others that share the same mindset

[Blue Spiral]

It sounds like you're not planning on having children with your sex partners though which I think is a main issue people have raised with the polygamous lifestyle.

 

I'm not, no. But "We can't normalize _____ behavior, because Think Of The Children!" has been the rallying cry many different times...and when those people inevitably raise children, they turn out just as messed-up as the children that everyone else raises.

[Blue Spiral]

You're not stuck with doing anything - go with the polyamorous route...why not? You have said it yourself you aren't capable of monogamy...why not just involve yourself with others who are like minded? I know personally at least 8 other couples who identify as open and have open or poly relationships...it is getting to the point where more of my friends are poly than monogamous...I am sure if you look you will find others that share the same mindset

 

I doubt that I'd find many in my area. I would like to see what a long-term relationship is like (my serious relationships were very short-lived), though.

[superfan]

I doubt that I'd find many in my area. I would like to see what a long-term relationship is like (my serious relationships were very short-lived), though.

 

I think you would be surprised. I live in a very conservative part of Southern Ontario and I know a TON. I didn't even realize it until I met them, but there is a swingers bar in my home city that only people involved in the lifestyle even know about. I was told about it, then found it online. I would check out online communities and maybe see where that takes you.

[lavenderdove]

I did give advice though I'm not sure you heard it or perhaps it was unclear.

 

It boils down to anybody can do anything they want with their lives and sexuality and relationships BUT how other people feel about it will be based on their own feelings and perspectives.

 

So if she is from a conservative family, she can declare she wants everyone to share in her love for this couple, but they won't see it as love, they'll see it as a travesty, or a religious abomination, or legally unwise, or repugnant or any other thing that they feel based on their own moral system and upbringing. So she can try to share the news any way she wants, but she needs to prepare herself for it to make a lasting and permanent and perhaps negative change in her dynamics with her own family.

 

If she wants to keep a more positive dynamic, my suggestion would be that she first wait a lot longer than a year before announcing this, because many new relationships seem like a good idea the first couple of years, and explode into disaster later. So she needs to be really sure that this relationship is what she wants by moving in with them, and see how she feels about 'helping' with their children. If she doesn't like kids enough to have her own, then she may very well hate raising someone else's kids in the end and want to move out rather than be saddled with that child care responsibility.

 

The other thing to keep in mind is that pregnancy and children drastically change the dynamics in a couple, and that could be a good or bad thing for your friend depending on how those dynamics change.

 

So I would suggest she wait it out a bit to see if this is something that will stick, or just a passing fancy.

 

Then if the relationship is secure over several years and the introduction of children, then that might be the time to do it. so what if the three of them miss a couple of Christmases with her family? And there is always a chance the father may freak out and she'll never have another Christmas with them because he'll forbid it. The WAY the news is given isn't so important as how the people being given the news feel about it and how flexible their own value system is in terms of incorporating a more radical lifestyle into their own lives and families (and it is still considered radical in today's world).

 

How her family SHOULD feel (and the virtue or not of polygamy) really is a moot point because they will feel what they feel and come to their own conclusions. So she needs to err on the side of caution until she is really sure that this triangle will be permanent, and that there are no surprise jealousies or problems or resentments that spring up when the married couple has their own children.

 

She also needs to be prepared for the consequences, which might mean the father forbidding this couple in his house ever again. Is the need to snog someone over the christmas goose important enough to risk destroying that harmony, or could they function by just inviting the parents to the house (or going to the house) and not discussing sleeping arrangements or her NOT snogging her married man over the goose at her parent's house? She can snog him all she wants when she gets home, but if the father is conservative enough, it might be a better idea to NOT tell them and just live their lives as they choose without rubbing it in their parents' faces. some people living alternative lifestyles do better with a subdued 'understanding' that something might be going on, but not forcing a confrontation that might polarize the people into losing their familial bonds entirely.

 

If the parents see how she is living over the years they might eventually even ask what is going on themselves, which might be a far more diplomatic way of dealing with it, when they are curious and ready to discuss it, rather than dropping it on them like a nuclear bomb because she feels they 'should' accept it. Because people have their own feelings and ways of processing (or NOT processing) other people's lifestyles, and it is better to be diplomatic than just ram something in someone's face, especially if they are prone to be conversative/religious and averse to such lifestyles.