How to break news of an unconventional relationship to the family...

[Batya33]

I'm not, no. But "We can't normalize _____ behavior, because Think Of The Children!" has been the rallying cry many different times...and when those people inevitably raise children, they turn out just as messed-up as the children that everyone else raises.

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[Batya33]

I'm not, no. But "We can't normalize _____ behavior, because Think Of The Children!" has been the rallying cry many different times...and when those people inevitably raise children, they turn out just as messed-up as the children that everyone else raises.

 

I don't agree and my opinion is backed by solid and long-standing research as well as long-standing personal experiences. I also don't agree that we should trivialize the best interests of children by reducing it to some hysterical, sarcastic "slogan" especially when it comes to whether children should be brought into this type of arrangement.

[Batya33]

I think Lavenderdove's advice is solid and balances the needs of all the people involved. I also think it's hard to absorb it if the person engaging in the relationship has other things on her mind other than "I want my parents to know who I'm involved with". From the posts I've read it seems to me there might be additional motives and reasons as to why the OP's friend wants to share this information with her family.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I find it disappointing that so many are saying that if they were her parents that they would not be accepting/tolerant of the lifestyle choice. She, too, has been watching this thread. Thanks to everybody who sincerely tried to help offer opinions as to how to break it to the parents (as opposed to stating why it was such a bad idea in the first place.)

 

I have known her parents since I was a teenager. They are good, solid people. I think for the most part they would be willing to at least try. I know her mother would just want her to be happy.

 

Saying we don't think it is a good idea to tell the parents is indeed giving helpful advice...just not the kind of advice you or she wanted. It is the other side of the coin...not the rose-coloured glasses side that says that everything will be just peachy once they find out. There is the distinct possibility that they won't be as okay with it as the two of you are assuming. You and she might live in a world where everyone around seem to be poly...but her parents live in a completely different world and may indeed balk at the idea of their daughter in this kind of lifestyle. The person who chooses to get many tattoos and piercings might also be disappointing to their parents. People who make very very liberal choices may indeed face disappointment from liberal but not that liberal parents. Bottom line is that she needs to hope for acceptance but also be prepared for disappointment from her parents.

[pl3asehelp]

I agree. Her parents being good solid people should mean they make up their own minds rather than let their kids try to change their outlook on life, which is based on much more experience. If I did what my kids thought was best they'd eat chocolate pudding every night for dinner. Them having their own opinions about what is right, wrong, and so on doesn't make them bad people. Has she considered maybe she's making a bad decision and maybe her parents could offer her some guidance based on their greater life experience compared to hers rather than just thinking she knows it all, doing what she wants and expecting them to agree with it? If she expects her parents to respect her choices, she needs to respect theirs as well.

[Dirtyface]

In the OP advice was solicited, but the bottom line is that in these types situations once the responsible thing is done (which is not to come out to anyone unless all parties involved decide unanimously the come out) nobody else's advice carries any weight. She did ask for opinions, although I believe there is a fine line between giving an honest opinion and crossing that line into closer to an attack.

 

The right choice is the one they can all agree on, and only them.

 

 

There is no real recipe, and it's really sad that there is such a large portion of society that condone persecution of a way people choose to live because it isn't considered traditional. The most obvious cases of flat out wrong behavior is when someone comes out to their family and the reaction is to be shunned but previous to coming out the family had no problem what so ever with the situation. But because there are people like that in the world, I firmly believe coming out means all parties involved need to make a unanimous decision, it's the only responsible way to decide to out themselves.

 

Exactly how to do it?

 

Unfortunately because of flawed logic and persecution the most successful way involves being misleading, and that really sucks because I strive to not be, but it really can make a difference and this is why I have come to believe this:

 

If your situation is such that the people you are coming out to have basic knowledge about your living situation, however the details they are unaware of is the intimacy with more than one partner and in withholding that detail about the intimacy, your family has no problem with the way you are living or better yet view your life as perfectly respectable, this puts you in the best possible scenario for your family to remain supportive with the knowledge that your intimacy with others is non-traditional.

 

However, it is also important that you decide what to do beforehand, should the occasion arise that they are on the verge of putting two and two together. I personally believe that if you are faced with questions that would likely mean the cover is blown, that it is worth it to come out then, especially if you are already planning on doing it, just trying to figure out exactly how (like you seem to be asking here)

 

You don't want lie to pretty you are close with, but with polyamory it is necessary unless as I stated like a broken record, it is agreed upon by all parties involved. And in the case that question pop up from people you are not planning on telling them, it is best to have firm boundaries, people you are not close with do not have any right to make you feel obligated to share parts of your life that are private.

 

In fact any relationship you have with a person where for whatever reason you feel like you need to lie to them is a big red flag that the relationship isn't healthy. The world is a completely different place to a person who practices honesty, but I won't ramble on about that here except to say if you feel you need to lie to someone, 99% of the time either whatever behavior you are lying about is wrong and you should quit doing whatever it was,

 

OR

 

The person you are lying to is NOT a healthy person to have a relationship with because they are crossing the boundary of what constitutes healthy. The behavior you are lying about is NOT wrong and you should not feel guilty about it. You should either stay far away from these types of people or else you need to be OK with informing them that you are not close enough with them to share private details of your life.

 

Back to the parents, if they are OK with your relationship being as close as it is, with whatever living situation it is, that is the best you can do, and if you decide tell them.If everything was hunkydory before the non-traditional detail, that is one of the best ways to enlighten others that their beliefs and core values are flawed should they suddenly label your life as wrong. There are so many excuses and justifications people use to hold on to an old, and frankly bigoted or hateful belief system. It's OK for another to not agree with your choices, but to use that as a justification to persecute or discriminate is so flat out wrong it fits the definition of criminal or evil if the persecution happens. And again, if they care about and respect you they will wake up and realize how flawed their values are and how wrong it is to make another person feel guilty about who you love so long as it works for you and you are not being physically or emotionally abused. You would be surprised how many people that previously held onto bigoted values, see the light

 

If you had their blessing before you came out, that is in my view the strongest place you can reveal yourself from because it is the best thing to wake people up from the strong grip of denial and justification of flawed logic.

 

And if that doesn't work, there is nothing you could have done differently that would have worked. And if that is the case, the way the world changes takes quite a long time and depends on courageous people to lead the way and carry on despite of any **** the world dishes out. That is why it is important to always support those who are willing to do it, and be an example by refusing to remain silent when you witness any **** being dished out from anywhere. This is also why it is important to have as much support from mono-people who have a firm understanding of what constitutes deciding the difference between right and wrong. This is also the reason I believe it is necessary to support the LGBT struggle to get governments to refuse to sponsor discrimination (ie support gay marriage)

 

I realize I went off topic, and to try to answer your question, I guess I would say to just be strong and resolute. Do not tolerate any negative or otherwise derogatory behavior towards you or your loved ones and hopefully you will be able to count on those who know in their heart that there is nothing about you that is wrong for living your life the way that works for you. It really makes a difference when people will speak up and choose to not accept derogatory speech anywhere about anyone when it comes to matters such as these because when we do not, it condones flat out wrong behavior.

 

Society has a long way to go before it sheds all the masked hatred.

 

There is a difference between not agreeing with how someone lives and persecution for the way they live. You might not agree with how Mormons live but it is wrong to constantly give them crap about it if that way of life and that belief system works for them.

 

As far as the children, there IS NOT DATA from any reputable source that correlates it being unhealthy to raise children in a loving family. There Is however plenty of data that shows the damage innocent children are afflicted by a bigoted society.

 

Children should never be aware of their parents acts of sex until the age of sex education anyways, so unless you are exposing your child to viewing sex acts (which is a crime) being poly does not mean anything. Hugs, quick pecks for kisses and other signs of affection are healthy behavior between adults who care for each other. NEVER has it been shown to damage a child's psyche unless you are full on having sex with your mouth and swapping spit. No parent would do that in front of a child.

 

The problems that arise from poly parents or same sex parents are afflictions by society. The abusive behavior that others inflict on the children for whatever reason, be it jealousy, hatred, envy, or just the bigotry is so ingrained they don't recognize what is wrong and right in regards to how you should treat others.

 

Take time to reflect on your behaviors, even if just 5 minutes a day to meditate, or pray or whatever allows you to honestly examine your life and do what is right for you. You should always have the courage to carry on when you are in the right. If it wasn't for people who did so, women might not be able to vote, racial prejudices would still be govt sponsered and just about every other step the world has taken in the name of Truth, Justice, Freedom, and Equality of rights.

 

The world depends of people like you to have the courage to live you life being who you are. Be wise and carry on when you know you are in the right, and you will be one of the people who is directly responsible for Liberty being accessible for ALL People.

[catfeeder]

The right choice is the one they can all agree on, and only them.

 

Do the recipients of this info get a right choice in whether or not they want to hear it?

[Dirtyface]

Hi Cat,

 

I don't know what to say to that, but you are right, there are certainly situations where it is respectful to keep things under wraps. So yes, that needs to be taken into consideration, because the plate that was a representation of your relationship with your parents will shatter and will have to be glued back together (to borrow from another person's parable) And I admit I assumed that there relationship was close enough that the parents would want to know.

 

The generation that my parents were a part of, was unfortunately an era where emotions were often intentionally ignored for the sake of a more stern father knows best life, which was in my family done for the sake of avoiding relatively minor awkwardness. As a person nears the last years of the life and their mortality of this life begins to sink in, I do know anybody who didn't wish they had shed the 50's parenting of not allowed to show specific emotions because it meant weakness. People are changing, minds are changing, and my children's children will be so much further along as far as realizing what is important earlier on in life as opposed to the end.

 

I know that for me and the way I raised my daughters, one of the most important thing I instilled in them is that they if there won't be a day when there is nobody they can come to for support in the whole world, because they can always come to me. The smallest molehill can make life appear not worth living if you feel alone, but there is virtually nothing that makes life feel like you should give up when you support of a loved one. I don't ever want my loved ones to feel alone even after my immediate life ends.

 

I suspect most parents would if they understood it is a different world, and hearts are softening. But you are completely right, the person you come out to doesn't technically get a choice, but the only reason they are kept in the dark is because people hide their emotions. Love is almost impossible to hide unless you wear blinders and can keep yourself separated from seeing or touching the person you are trying to keep your love for to remain hidden.

 

And that is actually a good thing, I believe. Not everyone among the living understands what it means to truly love another, or at least they do not understand how some behaviors poison love. Many of the worst forms of hatred, used to be love and not understanding what it means to love another can lead to poisoning. Poisoned love to a person who never really understood what Love is, and refuse to surrender to it, often surrender to evil.

 

But there are lots of people currently working on this "primary" education problem that has plagued the world since the beginning. The world is making progress, I promise

 

 

And I apologize to the mod. who had to ***** an expletive. I did read and agree to the guidelines, Sorry you had to wade through such a long post and still moderate it. I know it can be tough job .