delicous Posted October 26, 2012 Author Share Posted October 26, 2012 I saw him today when i was out on my date, driving.....he looked directly at me, like dead center.... Why would he be running into me, the exact same day I choose to see someone new??????? O my gosh.....But yeah the new guy is amazing Link to comment
gtnovru Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Wow small town? Who is this new guy? Where did you meet him? And what's amazing about him? Link to comment
delicous Posted October 27, 2012 Author Share Posted October 27, 2012 I called him amazing to soon......hes a stage 5 clinger : / But yeah, gotta have a little chit chat about that, if he still doesn't get the hint, im going to have let him know I am no longer interested......... I met him througha mutual couple of friends... Link to comment
delicous Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 I can't let go, even tho i know he is not a stable person, and is constantly just lookng for the next big thing. I feel like he is all about grass is always greener theory. What is wrong with me, seriously don't know why I can't stop thinkin about him and it's like im not even anything to him anymore, not even a duck in the pond.....I don't even know why I keep thinking about him when I feel the way I feel. I think it would of been a tad easier if I hasn't gotten pregnant and gone through such a shock which was the abort. All of this guilt and feelings of betrayal should of made me hate him, but I don't.... I never did and I don't think I ever will. It's so difficult. I am finally kind of allowing myself to see other guys and everything, but I don't want to. I want him to come back, and I want to work everything out, I wanna proove to him I love him. Because I know I screwed up this last time....But he did too, by not really trying and I fell for it and I am in so much pain, I miss his love. Like the way he held me, I really miss the sexual aspect as well. It's just everything...... How do I overcome something I trully don't want to overcome in hopes of him coming back? This question has no answer, nobody can answer it, not even me.... And, I had a good weekend and go tto see my friends that are my closest and even met new friends....Not one new guy though....I really miss him, what the heck do I do, how do I trully get over this man or get him back? I really really want to know how to get him back..... Link to comment
delicous Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Dreamnt he moved her back in and her and I were talking and I shook her hand and wished them both luck... My stomach hurt after waking up from that dream and I had a very hard time getting back to sleep.... Link to comment
delicous Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 Still havin a rough time, hope it gets better soon......I still love that man, but I am starting to realize aside from the lieing and cheating why we didn't work out.... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I called him amazing to soon......hes a stage 5 clinger : / But yeah, gotta have a little chit chat about that, if he still doesn't get the hint, im going to have let him know I am no longer interested......... I met him througha mutual couple of friends... D, do you recognize the irony in calling someone else a clinger? Hugs. Link to comment
delicous Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 ha ha, yesss......for sure seeing as all i ever go on enotalone to do is post in my diary of clingy thoughts!!!! The guy I was posting about, I still talk to but I have backed off because him and I are kinda on complete different levels. I swear, if I let it go one more day on a date or even seeing him casually he may have said "I love you"... He's really emotional, and didn't have a running vehicle, so I was going to pick "him" up, and when it was like 2 am in the morning, after doing everything we did, like going out dancing with friends, going to dennys for a late night meal bc we were a bit hungry, he still wanted to hang out longer, like wanted to watch movies and cuddle.....? I was ready to just pass out. Everytime I'd go on the dance floor, he clung to me, even tho I made it clear, he isn't in a relationship with me, he still kinda followed me around and I felt smuthered..... With my ex though, it wouldn't of been an issue because he's such a fun person and gives me so much space. Maybe too much tho, if you look at my very last post, it's me kinda thinking and realizing why him and I were not moving forward aside from cheating and lieing, which it's hard to explain aside from, he just really was a emotionally manipulating person. reading this book ive been reading "Loving him without losing you" is kinda bringing things into context. There are a lot of examples and things he would do or say that caused me to pretty much "Submit" to him, which caused me to lose myself and make him this high and mighty person, rediculous right? I am still reading that book and I prob will re-read it from the very beginning again because I started it while I was tryn to get over someone else prior to him.....But yeah, the book isn't at all stopping me from wishing he'd come back and missing him, but it's helping a little bit, kinda a distraction. Link to comment
delicous Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 Gonna read more tonight, need to clean my place up, I can't seem to get the motivation to do so though....... Glad its the weekend finally, def needed it~ Link to comment
delicous Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 Im clearly trying my best to just live my life without hopeing he will come back beause he may never.... yeah, I am choosing to try my best to date other people and I went out on a date with someone I just met this weekend and we are hitting it off super well, but something inside me keeps saying to hold on my ex one more day........I don't know why I am having such a hard time coming into terms with the fact that he may never Link to comment
delicous Posted November 7, 2012 Author Share Posted November 7, 2012 I miss him still ,but its getting easier..... Link to comment
MasterPo Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 I'm curious how you will be by Christmas? As always I hope 'better' and he isn't ruining your days. I wish you mad luck. Link to comment
delicous Posted November 9, 2012 Author Share Posted November 9, 2012 Ill post around that time or probaly a bit earlier to let everyone know, Im sure...lol, been actually trying to focus on other stuff, it has been an extremely rough up hill battle....So yeah CHEERS Link to comment
delicous Posted November 10, 2012 Author Share Posted November 10, 2012 I just keep holding onto the last bit of possibility that he will re enter my life, I know I need to put it to rest, but it's so hard to, I don't honestly know how to go about doing it. I started liking somebody else and trying to hang out with them and talk to them and what not, but......I keep killing the possibility of a relationship by ignoring them or putting little to no effort into seeing them It's honestly not intentional, it's how my mood is and depending on my mood is whether I feel I should go out. I don't know how to stop that feeling of uncertaintly in me. I try to JUST GO, and at times I can do it and at other times, I just don't have the mental energy to put into getting to know a new person when I thought I knew the ins and outs to my last partner....... He's on my mind constantly. I hope I run through his mind in a positive way at least half as often as he does in mine Link to comment
delicous Posted November 10, 2012 Author Share Posted November 10, 2012 I need to unpack his drawer and put all of his belongings in a box, label it and be done with it all. I don't know if it's a good idea to leave a hand written letter letting him know how much he hurt me and how much hope he made me give up on. How he has hurt me continuously, none stop since him and I first started seeing eachother and how he drove a knife right through my back over and over again. This last time was the most painful of them all because he has not been in contact, but ONCE and it was only to check in on me and make sure I was okay. He not once said he missed me anymore or wanted to see me or catch up..... It kills me that he told me he hopes to stay in contact but then whenever I tried txt or calling, he never called me back or texted back..... I honestly wouldn't doubt it if he's in the same limbo except with another girl and his ex instead of me..... It's rediculous how many times he said he didn't want to play games, but then when we finally started feeling actual intamancy aside from just sex, he runs away literally during the act of it.... He almost made it, but he I guess had one foot out the door the entire duration of our relationship, while I tried my best to not hurt him, I hurt myself the most of all because he NEVER came back this time. I STILLLLLLL to this day, hope he comes back, but I just don't know how to build a relationship with another man with those thoughts in the back of my head of "What if" what if he does realize he loves me and I have finally let go, how much more pain could I allow??? Would I choose to let him re-hurt me or give up my hopes again? What if It lead to suicide this time??? Because I was happy and finally possibly fulfilled and a whole person and then he CAME BACK and killed my sense of self again??? What if he came back and I did tell him to shub off, but then regretted it for a life time? How am I suppose to build anything with someone else if I can't allow it???....It seems like some type of self sabbatoge for sure. Something I can't explain.... I get chest pain, hard time breathing, I still cry like it was the first day he chose to end everything we had, I still think about him daily, dream about him at least 3x a week, weekends are so lonely without him................ I know its time, it's been time for a while to let him go...... I plan to try to swallow my pain and move forward with no more texting him, or leaving him voicemail mail because he won't answer his phone, no more thinking of him, trying my best to focus my energy on other things like my creative side that I have kept hidden for some time now because I was so much more focused on another person versus my own self wants and needs and purpose for being on this God forsaken planet!.... I trully do miss how he made me feel when we were happy, but now when I think of how many times we actually have been happy, makes me want to cry because it was less times than the times he made me upset.... Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 ^^This, what you've written here, is the very, very beginning of moving on (especially the last couple of sentences, where you admit that you were unhappy more of the time than you were actually happy). I won't say much more than this: I have been through the same thing. You can live without him. Trust me on this. It seems bad now, but...it won't always feel that way. Link to comment
delicous Posted November 12, 2012 Author Share Posted November 12, 2012 It might be, then why am I sick to my stomache and why the heck am i now repulsed by the idea of seeing a guy that I thought I saw sparks with, but now it's like I cringe if he tries kissing me or touching my leg! I can't do this, how the heck do I get my old love back and how do I rekindle it to make it last!!??? Why isn't he into me anymore, i did everything and sacrificed a lot! Link to comment
delicous Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 I let everyone know im not ready to date and not over my past relationship and I feel more happy than I have felt for a while, I do think I am beginning to trully heal and accept the break up. Although I am still an emotional ticking time bomb, I am learning to embrace the sadness and turn that sad energy into healing energy, each tear is me getting stronger..... I miss how we were when we were happy, but like I said previously, there were way more unhappy moments. As stubbord headed as I am, I will be okay!...it will take lots and lots of time and focus but I gotta learn to love myself first and right now, it isn't there..... Link to comment
delicous Posted November 15, 2012 Author Share Posted November 15, 2012 Had another pretty tiring start of the day. For some reason I can't let myself wake up and actually want to get out of bed....I tend to sleep even if I am not asleep just lay in bed til last minue. I don't know how to fix this about myself as I am also feeling sick in the morning, alot of the time....I don't want to be late for work just because Im too lazy to get up, but I feel like its more. Been reading sorta, but yeah....writing in here more than my spiral notebook because I hate writing with my hands... I thought about him today, but I also let go of him yesterday.... I just don't see why the heck I let myself try pounding away at something that isn't wanted. If he wanted me, he would of never let me go over something so silly..... I miss him, but...yeah, I'm hopeing to learn to love myself still, just getting a very very slow start to it. I keep not doing my dishes and laundry and just the little things in life that I should be doing. I have been procrastening a lot more than usual...... I rearranged my place uuum....when did I rearrange? lol...I think it was like towards the end of last week like thursday or so, and I just left some stuff on the ground and never finished my project which is to get a cozier settling, whether it's adding a new accent pillow to getting rid of stuff that I don't need..... I wanted to buy some new paintings, but I never did that plus Im pretty broke so it's hard right now. I am hopeing it gets easier for me and hopefully more quick than usual.... I really do think about that man still, every day, especially in the evening time before bed and I try and I mean try hard not to think of him first thing waking up because....it's kinda like starting the setting of my entire day on the wrong foot. Although, I do love him, I need to think of myself and try not to think of him so much because than bad feelings start to arise that I cannot for the life of me control, no matter how hard I try. So best thing for me is to try my best to just NOT!!! I prob will only write in the evening time for now on because I did notice my mornings being rough, and also been writing on here in the morning, so gonna try my best to NOT because it always goes back to thoughts of him, which I am trying my best not to do. I still have no packed all of his stuff and put it in a box, I guess it's because I am not ready to, but I am pushing more towards doing that first prior to me reorganizing or rearranging any further. Mattr of fact, that could be the exact reason why I stopped mid rearranging was because something felt wrong.....It's his things, thats what!....Uuum but yea like I still have his body wash in my shower , his toothe brush in my bathroom drawer, which I tried to push in the back of the drawer so I don't have to look at it everytime I go to brush my teeth or go get a Qtip..... Theres a stuffed monkey he got me at a carnival when we first hooked up that I won't get rid of, I just keep it....I don't know whats driving me to keep it, but I do.....It does make me think of "good" memories of him and I VS "bad..." This was a time in my life where I really was convinced he was the one because he did do everything I asked and moved her out, had me come over all the time, we just had started on the right foot, well....so I thought. But the more I think of it, and how it started, the more I wish I was more smart!..... There is a lot of things I could of done differently, such as NOT let him see her again. Had I not let her see him again or NOT allowed him to even if it meant loseing him, I would have at least kept my pride and love for myself. But at the time, I was in a very vulnerable spot, had just been dumped by my live in boyfriends of close to 3 yrs, not quite 3 but close and been told he wanted no contact because he had a new girlfriend who he chose to move in literally within 3 wks of me moving out........ So i went through a lot, I was emailing him weekly trying to convince him Im not hurt, even though I was terribly hurt, I spent so much of my energy emailing him stuff that I shouldn't had, like calling him countless amounts of names, making fun of his man areas and just being the most immature girl that I could be. .....And then weeks later, I went from being that way to being sweet and really wanting him back and letting him know I still loved him........than a couple weeks later, he let me know he was getting married!!!!! So at that point, I rushed into a relationship with a instable man who didn't have the decentcy of leaving his girlfriend prior to sleeping with me, howevr I am just a smuch to blame because I definetly welcomes him to come over and be with me.....sexuallly..... I was sewing my wild oats, I think.... The more I think about it, the more I feel I was indeed sewing my wild oats. I hardly ever had sex with my previous partner, he was not at all endowed in that dept and I never really felt connected to him during sex after we moved in with eachother. Prior, I did...or at least was better at pretending I did........ Anyways this guy comes along and is like "Fabio" in bed, or like I would imagine Fabio to be like in bed lol!..... He made me feel like a freggin goddess, like he called me his dream girl and told me he wants me to save him and just really poored on the sugar deeply, including non stop text like 10-20 txt in a row saying like three liner things about what he likes about me, how much he likes me, what he likes to do, just a lot!....I can still remember the time it was thanksgiving and my phone was beeping off the hook and I just couldn't stop smiling and texting him back and just thinking about him....... I could of made him fall in love with me, or I could of at least tried to show myself a hell of a lot more respect by ending it sooner than later. Instead, I chose to stay with him and live in la la land and have amazing sex and lots of laughter and fun with this guy.... Then I started to realize he was pulling away, and I pulled hard back and he came back again and again and again and we really just lost eachother through sex and no actual real sense of committement, especially on his part.... From there on, everything was downhill and all my friends and family knew it, yet me being as stubborn and still as hurt as I was frm my previous guy, I kept trying to fix things and make them perfect between us and it worked for a very long time......During these times I did this and let him do it back to me and so on, I could of been over this man the moment I put my foot down or been happy as hell with him because I did indeed put my foot down!................ It really was all downhill after about the 2nd or 3rd month!....Then I got pregnant 2 yrs later .....had an abortion for him!!!.....I should of let him go the moment that he showed no respect for me, but instead I manipulated him to the point of no return!.... There is definetly a lesson to be learned here, I am still just too damn stubborn to admit what it is because I still trully wish I had the magic powers in me to erase it frm my memory and have a happy time with him.......... I know it's not realistic and if he does come back, I am risking undoing all of my progress...even though it hasn't been a whole lot of progress, I have definetly went from no doubt in my mind wanting him back toooo asking myself do I really want him back, to rethinking our entire situation and seeing all the bad and realizing there was more bad than good to now just trying to love myself............ If I get through this, I know for sure I love myself and all I gotta do from there on is continue to add value to myself as a whole human being vs just a part of somebody else..... It feels good to type all of this out .....Thanks to anyone crazy enough to read all of this Link to comment
delicous Posted November 16, 2012 Author Share Posted November 16, 2012 Nothing really to talk about, Im sure I can think of stuff such as I thought about him the moment I got out of work, but didn't think of him until.....I got out of work, so thats a good thing and it was only because I see his truck everywhere!!!...it's hard to not see it, it seems to be everywhere.....its a pretty popular one...every guy seems to have one....And then I snapped out of it, then I pass right next to our resturant, its very difficult for me to not check if he is there every time I go home! But stiiiill....Even so, trying to focus on decorating and putting the past behind me, as difficult it is for my mind to grasp that he's really gone.....I gotta stop hurting myself by thinking it was more than it was.. Link to comment
MasterPo Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 Nothing really to talk about, Im sure I can think of stuff such as I thought about him the moment I got out of work, but didn't think of him until.....I got out of work, so thats a good thing and it was only because I see his truck everywhere!!!...it's hard to not see it, it seems to be everywhere.....its a pretty popular one...every guy seems to have one....And then I snapped out of it, then I pass right next to our resturant, its very difficult for me to not check if he is there every time I go home! But stiiiill....Even so, trying to focus on decorating and putting the past behind me, as difficult it is for my mind to grasp that he's really gone.....I gotta stop hurting myself by thinking it was more than it was.. This is normal. I was fixated for almost an entire summer with the massive explosion of blue Jeep Liberty's. Every damn one turned my head and made me .. hopeful. Ugh. You are getting there. I wish you mad luck. Link to comment
delicous Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 It's still difficult to accept hes moved on. I am still looking at our resturant everytime i drive home and still see his truck!!... Im trying tho, it is hard to let go of someone I thought Id whither the storm with.... He blocked my number or his phone wasn't paid, I tried calling the other day just to see if i was blocked yet, hah, only a matter of time before his ex would convince him to do so or he would convince himself to..... Never the less, life goes on, even if you don't. A saying, I can definetly agree 100% with. Trying to focus on me and moving forward. I wrote down all of my debt in a notebook yesterday ooor was it the day before? Well, either way, Im trying to plan things, instead of just waiting last minute to pay bills and Im doing my best to keep my mind in dicipline mode so that I do not "emotionally shop"..... Its a true sickness ive developed LOL.... I don't have the money to support that type of luxurorious habit!.... Got to save, save save..... Back to ex, uuum, i still havnt packed his stuff, even tho i have mentally in my head over and over again. I don't know if I am going to take it to his friends house who lives up the street from me, oooor if Im just gonna donate them to goodwill..... Or if ill just keep them stores in a box barried in my closet?.... This, I think is a close to final piece of me officially moving on with my life. It's like a symbol of such, in my head, atleast?..... I am wriing in my paper journal spiral notebook almost daily, and the other day when I was feeling really sad, I wrote down what I was thinking in a poem type of way, just like 2 sentences each feeling and made them ryhme.....Thats the artist in me speaking, I love art, I find it to be a very interesting thing in life. I one day would love to take classes to increase my skills. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and this is especially painful for me , but Im not thinking abotu this "particular" ex when I get sad around the holidays. I think of the one prior to him who I thought was trully my "one and only..." I loved his family and spending time with them and taking him over to be with mine as well, it was a very fun and happy time in my life..... Now, it's just me, myself and I, no plus 1 anymore...for now, close to 3 years, i believe...... Im making dinner thats pretty special tonight for just me alone and will prob invite my father over since he lives pretty close to me and my grandmother isn't celebrating thanksgiving or doing it thisyear, so he won't have anywhere to go, so it's kindof just a special thing I thought to do for him and I. Other than that, just living life, trying to focus soley on work and not much play....However have developed 3 crushes at work , lol! I gave 2 of them my phone number, go me! I went out on a date the other day, it was good, but I was really horny and let the guyrub on me, i made the first move, but then we stopped and I didn't welcome that behavior after that..... Still need to work on me....I bought a book, just a regular interesting book, tryig to get away from reading soley "self help" books.... Will start it while my dinner is cooking.... Link to comment
MasterPo Posted November 23, 2012 Share Posted November 23, 2012 Sounds like a plan. I was never a fan of holidays, always deployed somewhere and holidays were just another day. About all I really remember is getting pumpkin pie "roll" .. something like that from a nice lady at my bank. Didn't even know she knew me! lol Be careful with the dating. You might inadvertently blow someone up emotionally. Sometimes a fragile creature stirs the imagination of the unbroken hearts and they fall hard. If that makes sense. I'm glad you have your Dad to share dinner with. I'm miles away from anybody and my dinner selection chef is Denny (DENNY'S). lol You probably aren't a fan of exercise but go for a walk. Sometimes just a long long long walk puts things in a... acceptable? perspective. By that I mean the pain is just a little more bearable. I thought of taking a walk tonight but I'm far enough along that I can brush her memory aside, curse it a little and do my own thing. You should read a TEX MEX, interesting stuff in there and some of it tasty. Have a great evening. Mpo Link to comment
delicous Posted November 24, 2012 Author Share Posted November 24, 2012 Thats funny you say that, Be careful with the dating. You might inadvertently blow someone up emotionally. Sometimes a fragile creature stirs the imagination of the unbroken hearts and they fall hard. If that makes sense. I'm glad you have your Dad to share dinner with. I'm miles away from anybody and my dinner selection chef is Denny (DENNY'S). lol Thats kinda exactly what I inadvertently did to that one i was talkin about... ill spare you the details of how it came about, but he got kinda possessive and wanted to see me and got upset with me for not agreeing to go out with him until the weekend, lol.... I found it to be very very very stressful and frustrating because him and I only went on ONE date..... Made me sick to mystomach and made me miss my ex even more than I did.....But after getting off the phone with him, he texted me and apologized, and it took me a while to text back, like thanksgiving was the first time texting him since then....and tonight I do plan to go out with him again, but should I?? I don't know if I honestly shoud, btw I LOVE dennys, even though they take FOREVER to bring your food and sometimes its not even as hot as I anticipate ~! lol You probably aren't a fan of exercise but go for a walk. Sometimes just a long long long walk puts things in a... acceptable? perspective. By that I mean the pain is just a little more bearable. I thought of taking a walk tonight but I'm far enough along that I can brush her memory aside, curse it a little and do my own thing. I only way like 110 ibs but yea, im not a fan of excersize even tho i own a lot of work out dvds from info commercials like p90x lol...and walking outside isn't bad in the day light, but since I live in a bit lower class area and in a apartment complex, it scares me to walk to even go get the mail....It's no excuse, I know, I could do it inside my place or whatever...lol, but walking does help whenever I get a chance to..... Im going through withdrawal mode from my ex bad today--which I think is why I am agreeing to go on another date with the dude im not sure about..........We shall see, tonight will be my final thought on the subject, hopefully hes on his best behavior, even tho I wasn't lasttime lol! Im not going out with him tonight, im just too emotional right now, like ....my grandma and grandpa aren't doing well, and like this situation with me getting over everything, its just not there, my energy is dead right now...im gonna take a shower and go to bed or at least curl up with my book and then pass out....either way, i can't deal with the anxiety i may end up getting if I do go out with him.... I feel bad, I sent him a text breaking the news to him that I just can't go out tonight, getting over problems......its true, and hes gonna be mad im sure. But its not serious or anything so i don't know why hed be all moody about it... Link to comment
MasterPo Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 Yeah, he's hooked. Great for your ego but now he's asking everybody how he blew it with you. I should say it is a probability. Boy.. I feel for you. All that emotion bottled up. It sucks.. I wonder if its worse for a guy since we have to suck it up and not show emotion. Get over it kind of tough love. BTW, I hate that statement.. "get over it!" .. lol Just doesn't work for me. I understand about the bad neighborhood. I used to live in one before I moved back. It was fairly ghetto and the only placed I knew where street people didn't roam at night. Nice digs though and I had to stay for a job. Instead of walking the streets I would walk the stairs, up and down, a few times. People in the building thought I was mentally ill - which I probably was at the time - and let me do my walking. I am sure it was the talk especially when I started carrying a bag of dogfood. Thought I'd up the challenge with some weight. lol If that guy doesn't have a chance, well.. I'd let him be and suffer until you get on your feet. Cruel thing to do otherwise and it might not work out well for you. People get crazy when rejected. So be safe. Hope you feel better and your TG was good. I decided I would let Denny's slide this year. Getting too comfortable being alone in the back booth. lol Maybe Xmas. Link to comment
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