delicous Posted October 17, 2012 Author Share Posted October 17, 2012 I can't say or people will identify me. I don't even know how to make up what happened lol. But yeah, family drama and my own father not being a father. My own brother not being a brother. And so I called him.....He didnt pick up, but i left a vm about what was going on and he called a few minute later, my heart jumped! I know I shouldn't have faith, but he just re- created a smidge of it back in......I really see what NC does.............it makes u stronger, but complete NC means u gave up on the person. By breaking NC, he may not of given up on me completely, which creates a since of fake hope in me, but I am not putting one egg in the basket right now. Just will keep moving forward the best that I can. He's burning inside my mind.....grr Link to comment
delicous Posted October 17, 2012 Author Share Posted October 17, 2012 im mad at myself, i miss him so much...and im not with him....And I won't be even if I want to because life isn't where is should be yet.... Just really trully miss this man and miss the warmth he brought to my life, its more cold with out him and im not talking about the weather. He has this aroma about him, this era, its ageless. But yeah, back to reality, ope there goes gravity!...haha, Hope he shows up in my dreams and takes me away......if not in reality in make believe land...lol Link to comment
gtnovru Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 I know how you feel. I hope this gets better for us. It sucks loving someone who doesn't want to be with you. It really hurts : ( Link to comment
delicous Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 Who says he doesn't want me one day though, maybe space is really just what I need....and he needs and hopefully we can meet in the middle... I already have told myself a million times Ill never let him go.....I think we will be together whent he time is right, but I have lost hope, but hope for his return soon. I love that man more than I love myself. Which is the problem.....and I realize it and I need to focus more on me.... Link to comment
delicous Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 I don't know if it was a weak moment because my dad is driving me so insane or if it trully is me wanting him back, im pushing forward, full speed ahead, just so tired....I miss him Link to comment
gtnovru Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Yes, just keep pushing forward. That's what I'm trying to do too. It's hard, but we have to. Dwelling on them, hoping they'll come back to us - gets us nowhere. Link to comment
delicous Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 This is honestly the longest ive ever went without seeing the man...... It's like he really in convinced we aren't right for eachother, makes me sad. Luckily, got a job interview tomorrw, so gonna take a litttle afternooon nap- I hope he calls, if he does, I knwo he hasn't lost faith, if he still does not, I assume he's given up and I need to try to do my best to not think about what could be or should be and instead just live for today. Im impressed with myself and how mature I feel I have become. I am almost ready to take on a relationship again, but not quite...! I miss him though, wish he'd see that I still love him and hope to see him again. Listening to PAUL YOUNG - Everytime You Go Away--- Not really helping, makes me want to cry.. I probaly will,but it'd healthy to cry sometimes right? Link to comment
delicous Posted October 19, 2012 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 Still hasn't called and it's a friday Oh well, still got a lot to do today, can't let feelings for him get in the way of what I need to be doing.......... Link to comment
delicous Posted October 19, 2012 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 Terrible day, nothing but sales gimic interviews....Im so done, this is lame...... I just wanna start making money again! Link to comment
gtnovru Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 Don't expect him to call - my guess is he won't. I'm so sorry to hear about those jobs. Keep searching. I had my interview last week and am getting neeervous - I really need a new job. We'll see. Link to comment
delicous Posted October 20, 2012 Author Share Posted October 20, 2012 yea i got a call back for a 2nd interview for both companies--- i want to call him, but im unsure, if its too soon ... Link to comment
delicous Posted October 20, 2012 Author Share Posted October 20, 2012 Think I might end up calling him this weekend, like tomorrow or sunday....He might already know, but Im going to make myself clear that Im bettering myself so that one day we can hold down a relationship together, call it crazy, maybe it is...maybe ill feel diff 2 secs from now, but probaly not. My mind is made up that I love him....... Link to comment
delicous Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 I didn't stay strong, i tried calling and i left a vm, don't even remember exactly what I said, but it sounded needy, and then i texted like 3 text tellin him how much i still want him...Pa thetic! grrrr when is this stupid eager in my body and soul going to stop? Link to comment
delicous Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 I just texted him a 4th time....Im just losing it...It feels like Im bleeding him out of my body, but I never run out of blood...It suffocating my own world....It's rediculous///I just aske dhim to call me and let him know that im not myself without him .......Does he call back? Im not holding my breath, i just really seriously miss him.... Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 Stop this. You are out of control. This guy is not the solution. You give him too much power and credit. This guy is a cheat. You are re-reading old texts and feeding your longing with song selections. This is completely codependent. Link to comment
delicous Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 and he hasn't called and probaly won't and if he does it won't for a very long time......this sucks so much, i miss him Link to comment
delicous Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 He never did, I can't stop crying, this is not how I hoped it would go if I finally chose to reach out to him.... Link to comment
delicous Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 I choose to give him a week NC....if he still doesn't come around, I need to drop the hope speech and try my best to actually allow myself to move on....However thats done, I don't know because Ive never fully done it, ever....not with somebody i trully love........... Link to comment
delicous Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Feelin crazy, Im entirely tired, but I think I am getting stronger.... Thought to myself, where does he really come from putting me through so much crap and me putting up with it. I am thinking I need new company, but also need to change. I plan to start my first yr of freshman college as soon as I finish enrolling..... I need to take a turn and this is it, my dad is backing me about college 100%. Although, he doesn't agree with my career choice, I am strongly and trully sure what I want to do, so this is definetly helping me with forgetting about him once and for all, im tired of being the victim. Link to comment
gtnovru Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Girl, you're losing it. Trust me, I've been there... You're definitely codependent and are looking to him to complete you, make you happy. He's like oxygen to you... I know this feeling. But you HAVE to stop contacting him completely. Get a grip and get some control over yourself and your life. You definitely need a change and some goals - college is a GREAT idea. You need a new life, new environment - one not centered around him. I'm trying to do this very thing. New city, new apartment, new job. He doesn't want to be with me, there's nothing I can say to change his mind - but I can't let this destroy me. I have to find myself, my value, my meaning - outside of his love or any man's love. Link to comment
delicous Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 I agree, i was losing it, im getting back to having a normal sense of missin him, but focusing on me. My dad and I made up, which made me tons happier. Not that I depend on him, but knowing hes there if I really fall on my butt, it helps to know i got someone there aside from my ex bf, ya kno? Yea college is going to keep me busy, i also got a job interview over the phn tomorrow and orientation bc i was hired at the other place that i thought i bombed at.....Hmmm, and life is crazy right now....but i am trying to just not think about him...... Will always love him, but I gotta try my best.... Link to comment
delicous Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 its been rough, but i havnt contacted him in like 3 or 4 days. Got orientation today + another job interview for another company, so taking the pick now lol Link to comment
delicous Posted October 26, 2012 Author Share Posted October 26, 2012 vicious 4th day i believe....its not like i claim to be completely over him, but im seeing the light regardless if he comes back....Which is what I believe is a small stage of healing, not only that but I chose on my own to hang out with someone I met, and we are going out tonight.....if all goes planned..... I'm just sick of being treated so bad, I had and still sourta....have faith he will eventually kick himself knowing he lost me for good, but the problem is which me healing and not all the way healed, i still just am not over him and he came back i have that hope still....... I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I just look at it this way, this is a man I loved, took care of, spoke of the future with on more than one occation, that man is GONE. I can't be holding on to that crap he said anymore.............So best way I see of getting over it is doing everything I need to do in my life to be a stronger person including making new memories with a new man...... This is the most difficult thing for me, but it's less when I have goals and plans on how to get to where I need to be......Last thing I texted and this was 3-4 days ago was that he will always be in my heart and that is definetly the truth........ But he did promise a lot and never fufilled even ONE of them....He's not able to be counted on, i plan to change my emergency contact info soon, was going to ask one of my best friends instead..... For a while there, I was holding onto the possibility of seeing him again incase emergency ever happens, he'd be called......maybe seeing me at my worse would cause him to want to be with me? If that makes sense........Im so confused but yeah, gonna get ready! Link to comment
gtnovru Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Right now, you just need to focus on getting your life in order - and going after your goals/dreams like you mentioned. These guys are no longer there for us, they're no longer in our lives, we can't depend on them anymore. We have to be strong and independent and continue on without them, doing the best we can. From going after a career, getting a new job, finishing education, getting in shape, making new friends, whatever it might be that we need... we have to go after these things on our own, and stop thinking these guys are gonna come back and fix our pain/lives. As of now, they're not. It's up to us alone to make a life for ourselves. We don't have a choice. We just have to do the best we can and pray to God for blessings - God can do great things and bring good things our way. You're only at 3-4 days NC. Don't fool yourself into thinking you're healed - the healing process it's long and slow. You'll need to get to 14 days... 30 days... 90 days NC... we've got a ways to go. But each day not reaching out to them is an accomplishment. Just be patient with yourself and be strong. No, he won't care about you more if you're at your worst - stop thinking he loves/cares. If he did, you wouldn't be here. Focus on you. Not him. Link to comment
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