New Journal

[Seraphim]

I am so so sorry. I come from a long line of people who would give anyone the shirt off their back . And in that way I constantly come into conflict with my husband who was raise never give anything to anybody . He is much more giving now but he really doesn't understand my sentiment . But you are right too it should not be done at advantage of your own family.

[faraday]

I can understand the sad. It's not fair to have that kindness taken advantage of. It's not fair that your mom put other people first (intentional or not).

 

I can't believe that he won't get out. I can't believe that he's not looking at you and saying "this is her child, I need to protect her"...I mean, by even in a fatherly way, just in a "this is the family of the woman that I loved" kind of way. I don't understand that.

 

I also don't understand how it can be 50/50 when there isn't more to put in. Shouldn't the debts be shared then too? Why does this only benefit him?

 

The law is stupid sometimes. It's not fair

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;VG4KnYSaLZw] ]

 

Ever wake up with a song in your head? Yeah, it's funny.

 

Got a lot to share, been so sensitive lately, figuring out...I've always been sensitive. I figured out the whole 'shutting down' part of me. Unlocked, finally, ..I've got this.

[quirky]

It sounds like a difficult situation you are dealing with. And it'd inevitably bring up a lot of feelings around being self governing and having agency and sound judgment - a lot of that comes from self worth and I am getting a sense that your mum had her own issues around that. And now you are 'dealing' with it. The only thing you can do is look at your own emotions and values, can't do anything about others'.

 

How are you feeling today?

[itsallgrand]

Thanks quirk. I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm letting myself feel whatever comes up... this is really the key for me. When I try to push it down, it eats at me, I feel horrible, and then I shut down. So long as I let myself feel.. I am ok.

[itsallgrand]

]

[itsallgrand]

I got papers today from the company who is building beside me. It is going to be multi story luxury suites, three buildings all connected. In the pictures, they show blank space all around and grass and trees. In reality, it is surrounded on all sides by homes and occupied apartments. The construction takes up every square inch of land - there will be no grass, no trees, no beautiful blue skies to see from the windows for me or any of my neighbours anymore. The geese and squirrels and birds are gone already . They are advertising it as coimmunity living. Lol. With lots of private free space. Reality: balconies . And privacy lost for all who live here.

 

It's kind of enjoyable watching it built from the ground up day to day. Neat to see , to watch. It's a morbid watching though, not a joyous one in this case.

 

But this makes it unpleasant to live here soon. I wouldn't live in there. They are purposefully displacing people in order to put others in the neighbourhood. Many here will not be able afford to live here soon. Others will simply 'choose' not to - like myself. I don't see it as actual choice. It's 'do you want macaroni and cheese or toast?'.

 

This is common here now. And not just in the city. People are being displaced from their homes to make room for 'newcomers'.

 

Just so you know. It always boils down to profit. And who profits? You betcha

[itsallgrand]

Man, I'm feeling grouchy today. I need some time to myself to relax. In quiet. Without people.

 

Easter , and the days buffering it, were tough. I really missed her,and the reality of 'forever' is hitting home. She's gone... Forever.

 

I tried to make the time nice for my brother and I. We had good chats. And the Saturday , had a lovely time at the bfs moms dinner.

 

But of course I'm sad. And that's allowed. I decided so lol.

 

Now just to not have someone in my face so often. I have to learn to be more firm with my time. No means no. It doesn't mean sneaking in on that time in some way or another. And it's not worth being grumpy about - I know that.

 

But just leave me alone lol.

[faraday]

You *are* allowed to be sad. Don't listen to anyone that's making you feel bad about that...they just don't get it.

 

I'm sorry that pure feeling grumpy and sad. I hope that you're able to get the alone time that you need to feel more in balance.

 

Who is in your face?

 

I think about you every day. I'm trying to emulate the grace you maintained with your mother...it's harder than it looks. You did it well. You're still doing it well. Just keep moving forward...One day at a time.

[itsallgrand]

I zoned out for a few hours last night. Took a long way home. Decompressed.

 

Who's in my face? I guess, life. I need my space alone sometimes to just process. Be with my own mind. Sometimes I don't get that. I need it though, and especially now, I need more.

 

I came up with a bit of a plan last night.

 

Thank you faraday. Really. For listening

[itsallgrand]

So something I've only mentioned to one person, but I'm going to talk about here, is the bad thoughts have been happening lately. By bad thoughts I mean the images, flashes of scary and painful images of people suffering or maimed. These aren't images I've seen nor people from my life, they aren't memories. They are spontaneous flashes that happen at night, when I lay down and am sinking to a relaxed before sleep state.

 

It used to happen all the time, before I got help for my PTSD. It has rarely happened in years, and always manageable. I could turn my mind elsewhere, control it.

 

Lately it's been just frequent enough that it's been bothering me, and something I'm trying to address before it interrupts normal sleep. Normal mental health. I mean normal in the sense of my own, my healthy balance I found for myself. Well.

 

I think some of it is grief related, as that's a disturbance in my emotional balance and stress on the mind. I think some of it is in response to the world, the upheaval, my fears, my worries and feelings about the greater state of security and peace for others and is all in the time to come. It feels out of my control, and most of it is.

 

One day, I cried uncontrollably in my bfs arms after an encounter with a family. The little boy lost his leg in war, his face was scarred. The mom looked so traumatized and 'gone' - with four kids in tow. The boy had only crutches.

 

Am I strong enough to contribute some good to this world when families like this keep multiplying? May I be like a little kid right now and say.. I'm scared. I'm scared at this level of pain and trauma to so many people.

[faraday]

So something I've only mentioned to one person, but I'm going to talk about here, is the bad thoughts have been happening lately. By bad thoughts I mean the images, flashes of scary and painful images of people suffering or maimed. These aren't images I've seen nor people from my life, they aren't memories. They are spontaneous flashes that happen at night, when I lay down and am sinking to a relaxed before sleep state.

 

It used to happen all the time, before I got help for my PTSD. It has rarely happened in years, and always manageable. I could turn my mind elsewhere, control it.

 

Lately it's been just frequent enough that it's been bothering me, and something I'm trying to address before it interrupts normal sleep. Normal mental health. I mean normal in the sense of my own, my healthy balance I found for myself. Well.

 

I think some of it is grief related, as that's a disturbance in my emotional balance and stress on the mind. I think some of it is in response to the world, the upheaval, my fears, my worries and feelings about the greater state of security and peace for others and is all in the time to come. It feels out of my control, and most of it is.

 

One day, I cried uncontrollably in my bfs arms after an encounter with a family. The little boy lost his leg in war, his face was scarred. The mom looked so traumatized and 'gone' - with four kids in tow. The boy had only crutches.

 

Am I strong enough to contribute some good to this world when families like this keep multiplying? May I be like a little kid right now and say.. I'm scared. I'm scared at this level of pain and trauma to so many people.

 

I cry every time I see children that I've been through trauma like that. I turn the channel when adverts come up asking for donations for Syrian children, or other families coming from war torn countries...I don't change the channel because I don't care...I change it because watching means crying and feeling utter despair at the world. There are so many people that need help in the world...and I'm small and can only do small things right now. I live for the day that I hopefully make a difference. Sponsor families to come here, help them make new lives.

 

I'm not in the right place right now.

 

 

I have dreams of people I know getting into horrible accidents. I dream of being responsible for causing an accident and hurting others- and I feel so bad it's almost like it really happened.

 

I don't know why we have thoughts like that I'm sure many people do, but just don't talk about it.

 

You can talk more about it with me. I'm not sure if what I shared helps at all...just know that you're not weird, and you're not alone.

[itsallgrand]

It does help to write it. Makes it less of a 'secret', easier to face somehow.

[Seraphim]

It is a PTSD response. I still have those responses. Not daily but regular enough. I think it is grief related. When we get hit big we return to old habits even mental ones. Hug.

[itsallgrand]

That helps. Thanks.

I had a nightmare last night

[Jibralta]

By bad thoughts I mean the images, flashes of scary and painful images of people suffering or maimed. These aren't images I've seen nor people from my life, they aren't memories. They are spontaneous flashes that happen at night, when I lay down and am sinking to a relaxed before sleep state.

 

That happens to me. Sometimes it happens in the middle of the day, too. I didn't realize it was a symptom of PTSD, but it's helpful that there is a name for it.

 

Sometimes it happens in the middle of the night, wakes me up. The best thing for me to do then is get up, or else the images won't stop.

 

It's really inconvenient and unpleasant, and I wish it would go away forever.

[itsallgrand]

Wow, thanks for sharing that Jibralta. May I ask, have you experienced trauma in your life? I'm sorry you experience it too. And I agree the best thing is to get up. I find I need to ' reset' my mind somehow when it happens. Change the focus, preferably on something concrete in front of me. I usually get up and make herbal tea. Sometimes I'll talk to someone, just normal chats, if it's not too late at night.

 

It does make me feel less alone in it hearing I'm not the only one who has these kinds of images pop up.

[Jibralta]

Wow, thanks for sharing that Jibralta. May I ask, have you experienced trauma in your life?

 

I guess you could say that. My family dynamic was very dysfunctional growing up. On the outside, it looked perfectly normal--good even. But on the inside it was very difficult. In a nutshell, besides the ridiculous, drawn out four-year divorce of my parents, and the numerous disastrous financial decisions that resulted in us moving four times and four years, AND the alcoholism and absence of my father, I (in retrospect) think my mom was mentally ill and undiagnosed. I think my sister became her codependent. I was stuck growing up with these two volatile, twin-star crazy people. On top of that, I'm adopted, and a TOTALLY different personality type than my mom and my sister (read: weird). I ended up putting myself in therapy through a few crazy maneuvers at school. I regret nothing. It had to happen. I went to therapy for four years, starting when I was 15. Three times a week, three hours a day. More on family-therapy days. I was not going down with that ship. Things have gotten better over the years, but I had some years of real desperation as a kid. I still sometimes find myself flinching in certain situations. It's so wild when that happens because I realize that some of the old sickness peeling away and I feel a little bit better.

[itsallgrand]

That's incredible how you were able to make that kind of firm commitment and personal work at such a young age! I admire that. It couldn't have been easy, but you carved out your own way. It's inspiring.

It's amazing hearing some of the backgrounds of people here. A lot of people who have overcome adversities. A lot of strong people.

 

Thanks for sharing that with me. And thanks for chiming in about the images - I've been thinking about it more today, and I'm so glad for the three of you who commented. I'm glad I talked about it here.

[Jibralta]

You're welcome

[itsallgrand]

I should post about the good, not only troubles.

I didn't have any work today so yesterday I came home, had a little nap, made myself a nice meal, had an hour long bath. I straightened my hair, made extra effort with what I wore, and went out with a few friends for the first patio time of the season. It was fun and I felt good.

Then I slept unlike a mofo! Got up at my leisure from my ultra comfy new bed. There was no power on our block most of the day, but that ok, as the bf and I spent the day out doing fun things. We had a good talk too where he reinforced how he supports me asking for time to myself at home whenever I want it, as he sees the difference that makes for me and enjoys his time out with his friends too so it's not an annoyance to ask. That felt good, as sometimes I feel bad asking to be alone at home ( but it's different than going out for me, as I am around people so often). And it was reassuring hearing how he recognizes how hard I work, and that I'm going through a harder time right now, and he has been trying to be there to support me so I don't feel alone in it. We were laughing as we realized we've both been trying to make the other happy by doing the opposite of what we both really need and what works for us as a couple. Talking - what an invention to solving problems!

 

It's been a good weekend. And I have Sunday too!

[faraday]

Good update

 

I'm glad you're going to be getting more of what you need, and that you're finding you're stride and balance You give me hope that one day it will be good again.

[Jibralta]

We had a good talk too where he reinforced how he supports me asking for time to myself at home whenever I want it, as he sees the difference that makes for me and enjoys his time out with his friends too so it's not an annoyance to ask. That felt good, as sometimes I feel bad asking to be alone at home ( but it's different than going out for me, as I am around people so often). And it was reassuring hearing how he recognizes how hard I work, and that I'm going through a harder time right now, and he has been trying to be there to support me so I don't feel alone in it. We were laughing as we realized we've both been trying to make the other happy by doing the opposite of what we both really need and what works for us as a couple.

 

That's really nice.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks.

Today I had waffles and have been doing some spring cleaning at my place. I'm sanding down my childhood dresser and plan to stain it for a rustic look. The wood underneath is so pretty! Solid wood. I had to scrape some my little pony stickers from it ( that's how old it is), and work through a lot of years of use to smooth it out, but I'm excited for how it's looking.

 

It feels good to take the time for something like this. Sure, it's not 'important', but it's fun, and I'm glad to be able to integrate some of the things I've been going through that my mom had in her house. Still in the process of cleaning that house and yard and getting it fixed up.

[faraday]

I love refinishing furniture...it's so much therapy. People think I'm odd because I love it so much lol.

 

I have a large church pew I'm going to be working on in a few weeks. I've had it out in the shed all winter, but now that things are thawed out, it's time to bring it out and do something with it. It'll probably take a week to refinish it...and I'm looking forward to it

 

What stain colour are you going to use on the dresser?