Stabilus Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Hi, I've met someone who I really like. However she has told me she suffers from anxiety, panic attacks, self worth issues and depression. She has also done self harm in the past (cutting). She sees a psychologist and is on medication. I do like her but am worried about her issues and what they could manifest into the future. Any advice or experience with similar people? Link to comment
theface71 Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Tread carefully. My ex has anxiety and depression issues and eventually they created some misunderstandings between us. Sometimes when she wanted space because she was having a bad anxiety day I mistook it as a sign that she was being cold and distant-she rarely communicated to me when she was having a bad day because she was always embarrassed by her illness. Granted she never really told me about her issues until a good year into the relationship when she stopped taking her meds. She was not seeking any help at the time so her anxiety and depression increased. I'm not saying it lead strictly to our break-up but it did contribute in some ways because of the pressure she felt as her condition got worse and I was having a harder time trying to help her. That is the main thing you have to do...be her friend when you need to be her friend but don't feel like you have to help fix her. And try to be more sensitive to what she is going through. As long as they keep seeking professional care things can work out but it is a tough thing to go through in a relationship. Link to comment
RedDress Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Personally, I think that if she feels the need to announce these issues so early into the process, she is telling you because there may be an impact to a relationship. In other words... these issues are not really in the past. Personally, I would not get involved with someone who had a laundry list of current issues. It's not to be mean... it's just that they really should be working on those issues. You may be tempted to "help" which could easily lead to a toxic enabling relationship and behaviour... is that really what you want? For what it's worth - if those issues were firmly in the past (by a few years), my answer would have been different. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 I agree to tread carefully. This kind of situation can suck you under so bad and before you know it, you are almost as depressed as she is. I've actually witnessed this scenario and it took a lot out of the partner who didn't have all the issues you describe. It took him a couple of years to get himself back to his normal self again. Good thing she's seeing a psychologist, but I would still strongly advise to proceed with caution. ETA: I also agree with RedDress's post above. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Personally, I would not get involved with someone who had a laundry list of current issues. It's not to be mean... it's just that they really should be working on those issues. You may be tempted to "help" which could easily lead to a toxic enabling relationship and behaviour... is that really what you want? Totally agree. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 At least she is on meds and getting help. I haven't known anyone that cuts, but I bite my fingers sometimes until they bleed. But I have never bitten anyone else. I have depression and panic attacks AND anxiety. And I suck but my husband likes me just fine. Be careful, take it slowly for sure. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Eh... does it show? Are the meds working? There is still a strong stigma against mental illness. Perhaps she's throwing it all out there up-front to see what your reaction is so she knows she's not wasting her time. Link to comment
Stabilus Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Well we had a really great time together yesterday and tells me she is falling for me. Then today she has turned around and said she needs time alone to sort herself out because she doesn't know what she wants Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I'd take that as a perfect opportunity exit stage left. She doesn't seem stable at the moment. Avoid. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I haven't cut in over thirty years, but it's something I introduce early on in a new relationship if it looks as though it might go somewhere - not least because being up front about these issues is a lot less embarrassing than having to answer questions about my scars further down the line. That said, I wouldn't like to date me thirty years ago. And the people who did, had monumental issues of their own but because of my blatant emotional problems could pretend that any issues between us were all because of me. If your girl is telling you she needs alone time because she needs to sort herself out, give it to her. In spades. Either because she sincerely means it, and isn't ready to date at the moment; or because it's a test to see if you'll continue to pursue her even though she's overtly rejecting you. You don't want to get involved in either of those scenarios, so be very wary and keep your distance. Whenever you enter a new relationship, you need to ask if you're happy with the person AS THEY ARE. Just because she's in therapy doesn't necessarily mean she'll change, and even if she does, she may not want you any more - for a whole host of reasons. And you're much more likely to have a happy, stable relationship with someone who's already happy and stable. Link to comment
Stabilus Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Either because she sincerely means it, and isn't ready to date at the moment; or because it's a test to see if you'll continue to pursue her even though she's overtly rejecting you. You don't want to get involved in either of those scenarios, so be very wary and keep your distance. Why would she want to know If I'd chase her if she overtly rejects me? I get the feeling that might be the case. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Why would she want to know If I'd chase her if she overtly rejects me? I get the feeling that might be the case. Because this is typical behaviour of people who self-harm. They often test relationships to destruction. Link to comment
Stabilus Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Because this is typical behaviour of people who self-harm. They often test relationships to destruction. Well she did mention that's what she has done with a previous bf. We work in the same office which makes it awkward. Should I back off or pursue her? What reaction can I expect from either option? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Well she did mention that's what she has done with a previous bf. We work in the same office which makes it awkward. Should I back off or pursue her? What reaction can I expect from either option? Let her know that you respect her decision to sort out where she's at, and wish her well with her psychologist. Then - be polite, professional and distant. Even if she were wonderful and stable, it would not be a good idea to be dating someone from the same office. Do not even contemplate pursuing her. Link to comment
Stabilus Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Do not even contemplate pursuing her. Apart from being in the same office, can i ask why not? I really like her a lot. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Apart from being in the same office, can i ask why not? I really like her a lot. Firstly, because you're in the same office. I won't bore you with the details of why this isn't a good idea; there's plenty of stuff on this site which will explain why. I also think your common sense will be telling you, too. I started to write a longer explanation as to why you shouldn't, even if you worked in different places. Instead, I'm advising you to look up 'borderline personality disorder' on the web. For your own sanity, maintain a professional distance and detachment. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 If you work together, I strongly believe you should break this off. And don't worry about her reaction. If you are worried already, then you need to nip this now. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Apart from being in the same office, can i ask why not? I really like her a lot. After reading about this girl, the fact that you write this question makes me worry about your own mental health. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 I think that you should accept her reason. respect her decision to figure herself out. And walk away. If she points to herself confiding in you as a reason to continue, just say that you are glad she felt comfortable doing so. And wish her the best. Stay FAR AWAY form an office romance with this woman for many reasons. I don't advocate work relationships anyways. There are people with mental illnesses that cope very well but she clearly doesn't have her life together. Link to comment
Stabilus Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 After reading about this girl, the fact that you write this question makes me worry about your own mental health. I've never been with someone like this and am struggling to understand her self worth issues. She hasnt cut herself for years and the scars are barely visible. But she said that whenever she is happy she thinks she doesnt deserve it and tends to make a wreck of things. Otherwise I havent seen any outwards signs of the mental issues and she is medicated. She is intelligent, beautiful, fun to be around, supportive and is very flattering. I liked her a lot and thought about a long term future with her, but now she is now avoiding me. It is quite upsetting. I know that it had a high chance of being train wreck but I was drawn to her. Ive started analyzing things I said and am trying to work out where I went wrong. I guess ill just give her space and tell her she has made the right decision. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Ive started analyzing things I said and am trying to work out where I went wrong.. ^^ There ya go. That's EXACTLY what I meant when I said before you know it, you are being sucked under. You have hardly starting dating her and already you show the signs. It messes with your mind to such an extent that you yourself could end up being depressed and wondering what happened. Link to comment
theface71 Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 ^^ There ya go. That's EXACTLY what I meant when I said before you know it, you are being sucked under. You have hardly starting dating her and already you show the signs. It messes with your mind to such an extent that you yourself could end up being depressed and wondering what happened. I've been that guy. I am still that guy. BU was over 4 months ago and I'm still wondering and a little depressed. And I was with my ex for over 3 years...and I still have no clue as to what the heck happened...only vague explanations...heed the warning...don't be sucked under like me... Link to comment
Stabilus Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 So I sent her an email saying I respect her decision to not see me anymore and wished her good luck with sorting her issues out. She then emails me back asking me to afternoon tea with her..... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 There are lots of intelligent, beautiful, fun, supportive women who can flatter you. You need to look inside you to grow because you should seek and expect a partner who is a whole, happy, and confident person as well who is full of self-worth. You need to cut her off so you can work on yourself and start dating healthy women. Link to comment
Stabilus Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 How about just keeping it casual? That should be fine right? Link to comment
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