Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[camus154]

The OP said HIMSELF they have only been going out for SIX MONTHS. So what she did in 2010 is ZERO of his business.

 

Ack, sorry, misread that statement that it was about the OP, not this other dude.

 

Regardless, though, it most certainly is his business if she's running off on day trips with this guy--and others--without disclosing the history they've shared together. I don't know of a single male who would be cool with that situation.

[Seraphim]

She just told him, yeah I HAD a relationship with weed man and now we are just friends. If does not want to believe it and he wants a woman that does not keep exes as friends he has to move along. But having an ex as a friend is not a crime and it should not be made into one. That is all I am saying.

[penelope13]

She is a liar by omitting information (if that is the definition of a liar), but then so is he because he didn't tell her about the snooping. Don't throw stones if you are sitting in a glass house.

[Seraphim]

^ I agree. The second person who commits a lie which is the snooping does not get a free pass on being called a liar just because they feel justified because the first person lied. There is no "worse liar".

[pl3asehelp]

^ I agree. The second person who commits a lie which is the snooping does not get a free pass on being called a liar just because they feel justified because the first person lied. There is no "worse liar".

 

Yep you have 2 people lying to each other, which just equals an unhealthy relationship - time to break up or just wallow in it, which isn't sustainable long term, so what's the point?

[Seraphim]

I have said many times for them to break it off. I never said it was sustainable. I was making comment on people making judgement on people having exes as friends and getting all in a spaz about what someone did before they met who. I get some people think people should not be friends with exes and if that is the case then be together with someone the same. At the same time one group of people can not make a judgement on the rest of humanity for having an ex who is a friend. The whole world does not work according to one set of preferences.

 

Just because for example; myself I would never be friends with an ex friend never mind an ex anything else. That does not mean that everyone out there should not make up with an ex friend because it is my preference not to.

[camus154]

I don't think people were spazzing over remaining friends with an ex or what was done prior to a relationship.

 

I think people are spazzing because none of this situation passes the BS radar. I'm sorry, but this isn't grabbing a cup of coffee with an old ex to catch up. This was dinner and drinks with one. A daytrip which--oh by the way, was supposed to be a SLEEP OVER until the OP wised up and said no *% way--with another. And looking up some guy during traveling who had rumored involvement with her.

 

Add all of that up and you're not dealing with just one situation where you can cut some slack. Add it all up and you're looking at a pattern. No matter how you'd like to sweep that under the rug, that's the reality of the situation.

[Fudgie]

I'm sure the VAST majority of people who are cool with their partners catching up with exes would be fine with their partner seeing their ex for coffee or whatnot once in a while.

 

NOT dinner/drink dates and DEFINITELY NOT sleepovers with weed.

[journeynow]

I'm sure the VAST majority of people who are cool with their partners catching up with exes would be fine with their partner seeing their ex for coffee or whatnot once in a while.

 

NOT dinner/drink dates and DEFINITELY NOT sleepovers with weed.

 

I understand this, but why is it ok with friends of the opposite sex, but not friends who are exes?

[pl3asehelp]

I understand this, but why is it ok with friends of the opposite sex, but not friends who are exes?

 

Why? Well that's up to every individual to decide and there is no right and wrong because it's about personal values and boundaries which are something couples need to discuss together and it's a part of what makes them compatible or not. HOWEVER - the OP didn't even get the chance to make this decision because his girlfriend chose instead to lie and tell OP this person was a friend when they were actually an ex.

 

Going to spend the day and possibly night alone with an ex and misleading your SO by telling them you're seeing a friend is in my opinion a lie the OP's gf told him because she wanted to rob him of the opportunity to decide for himself if this situation was crossing a personal boundary of his.

 

It's not about whether having ex's for friends is ok. It's about being upfront with your partner about your relationships so they can decide for themselves if you are crossing their boundaries.

[DN]

The woman is a liar, probably a cheat and who needs a relationship based on that. Of course people shouldn't snoop but once they have and have found out something has been going on and their partner is lying the snooping becomes secondary - even irrelevant. If someone cheats on you and you find out by snooping that doesn't negate the cheating and make it OK.

 

The hard truth is that you will never be able to trust her - any time she is out of your sight for more than a couple of hours, but especially if she goes away for a weekend, you will be wondering if she is cheating and, since she is a liar, anything she says to reassure you won't be believable.

 

It's one thing to deal with and forgive an incidence of cheating where the cheater is upfront and honest about it and you can believe they won't do it again. But when someone chooses to lie about what they have done and are doing with other people there is no way you can have a stable relationship.

[Seraphim]

I don't think a prior lie negates snooping or makes it irrelevant at all.

[lostandhurt]

It is pretty obvious she has lied to him. She even told him she thinks it is no big deal to go hang out with old bf's. These are facts.

 

 

I just hope that his questions give her a moment to pause and rethink her actions. I am pretty sure the next time she wants to go hang out with a "friend" the OP will be asking one simple question: "Did you ever have sex with this friend?" Then he can decide what to do.

 

Joe,

Do what you feel is right for you. You got answers but not the ones you wanted for the most part. I wonder if she will still want to have dinner and drinks with Gary now that she knows he went around telling everyone at work she gave him a bj.

I know you will keep seeing her but you have to stand up for yourself and if she insists on hanging out with guys she has had sex with and it makes you feel sick inside then she needs to choose what is more important.

 

I wish you luck

Lost

[Miss Firecracker]

I hope you don't accept her crumbs. Lots of people do what they can get by with. I think you have found one of those. Nice girls go the mall to relieve stress.

[journeynow]

I agree that I would want my partner to give me important details, and I would do the same. The issue in this thread is trust.

 

A = friend who is not an ex

B = friend who is an ex

 

Some people, who have chosen to be friends with exes, see A = B. They get to decide who their friends are, and what importance they hold. But they can't make their partner trust them.

 

If you don't trust your partner, you don't trust them. If they might have an affair with B, why not the same potential with A? If the OP decided it would be ok for her to hang out with A at his house smoking weed, why not B at his?

 

I understand why one would feel that a friend with history is a threat, but you have to decide if you trust your partner or not.

 

I see the OP and his girlfriend have the same approach to conflict, they avoid details that might upset the partner, and thus avoid exploring the critical and long term issue of trust. It's hard to build a relationship without a foundation of trust.

 

Personally, I would not keep my friendship history a secret with a new partner, but it is simple for me, I just have one ex, we spent 30 years together. If I started dating someone with a 20 year dating history I'd have to decide early if I could live with his history and if I trusted him, period.

[mrjoeblow78]

I appreciate it Lost. And I'll definitely ask her about the past-nature of her relationship with any new "old friend" she wants to meet up with.

[mrjoeblow78]

OP explained that the pictures were sent a little more than 1 year ago, which doesn't match what she told him when confronted. He recognized the lie, hence his decision to not 'press her' on it.

 

FYI, I wrote this discrepancy off as due to either a faulty memory or maybe she just wanted to emphasize that it was in the past. Timelines can be tricky things, especially when you're put on the spot, so I'm not going to hold it against her. If she would've lied and said they never dated, I would've known she was lying and the conversation would've quickly deteriorated, with me walking out the door.

[SarahRose]

I don't get it. She didn't cheat on you. These things happened before you met. What she did before meeting you is none of your business. It is her right not to share old loves/flings.

 

She did nothing wrong here. You did by snooping in her private email.

 

You have only been dating 6 months and your behaviour is way too pushy and clingy.

 

You expect her to share every detail about her past but you can't even own up to snooping.

 

It would be different if you found out she was cheating on you but you didn't find that.

 

If you want to be with her then forget about it and drop it before she gets annoyed with you and dumps you.

[camus154]

^ What don't you get?

 

While this may have happened in the past, meeting up with these guys happened while she was with the OP. That most certainly DOES make it his business.

 

I seriously cannot fathom how people still aren't comprehending the import of running off for day trips and nights out on the town with friends who turn out to be ex's.

[Seraphim]

Well the thing is NO ONE but the OP is in this relationship so what anyone has to say is not going to matter. It can only apply to our own relationships. He is going to make up his own mind and he had decided to let it go.

[penelope13]

Is the majority of people really saying that spending any time with an ex lover is automatically considered cheating? - I guess to each their own, however, did OP express this boundary to his girlfriend at any time?

 

Personally I don't care if my partner remains on friendly terms with an ex, even spends time with them without me around. There was a reason why he is not with any of these people anymore and why he is choosing to be with me. I don't even consider an ex a higher risk for cheating, since I see it as 'tried and rejected'.

 

I either trust my partner not to cheat or don't. Whatever boundary I may place on him to minimize it - if he wants to cheat I will not be able to prevent it. Thus there is no point in me worrying about it until I have solid proof that he is indeed cheating.

 

If I was the kind of person who has issues with a partner staying in touch with exes in general, I would consider it MY duty to inform my partner of that preference instead of expecting a new partner to list all his past experiences in case one of those may offend my sensitivity.

[Seraphim]

Exactly people can't read minds. Lay out exactly what you expect.

[DN]

I am constantly surprised how easily some people fall for scams of every description, most of which are very obvious to anyone with a discerning mind.

 

Then I read threads like this and I understand.

[camus154]

Sigh. Where's the nearest wall I can bang my head into?

 

The problem with these kinds of threads is that the forest ends up getting reduced down to the trees. We wind up discussing whether it's really a douglas fir versus a spruce and which one's a better tree instead of looking around going, "Uh, we're lost in a forest here."

 

The issue isn't merely a matter of trust. Or of hanging out with ex's. Or of not having disclosed the fact that they are ex's in the first place. All of that, yes, can be neatly boxed into the "relationship boundaries" discussion that two people need to have.

 

However. Oops. We kind of skimmed over the part where she just needed to get away and clear her head for awhile.....by running off into the country to smoke a bunch of weed with an ex lover. Oh yeah. Gee, now where does that fit in the lovely boundaries discussion again?

 

Oh, and originally she was going to just stay the night with him. Because it was such a long drive back into town and all. Oh yeah, where does THAT fit into it?

 

Oh, and the other "friend" who she went out to dinner with and then drinking. Well, as it turns out, she had an entire folder in her email dedicated just for him. You know, just another little detail that we need to bring into that discussion here.

 

And finally, that guy who was rumored to have had relations with her. The guy she went out of her way trying to look up while out of town. Just another boundary issue, I suppose.

 

So yes. I agree the douglas fir is better than a spruce. Who cares that it's starting to get dark now and we lost our compass anyway?

[pl3asehelp]

I am constantly surprised how easily some people fall for scams of every description, most of which are very obvious to anyone with a discerning mind.

 

Then I read threads like this and I understand.

 

Agree totally.