Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[mrjoeblow78]

What do you want to do?

 

I honestly don't know. I want her to be honest about things, and for everything to turn out to be nothing and easily explained away. I love her. But I'd be doing myself no favors by putting blinders on and biting my tongue. Sure, she might be fooled into thinking that I trust her, but it would eat away at me and ultimately ruin the relationship (if it isn't ruined already). I'd rather find out she cheated than continue on not knowing but being suspicious of everything. I loathe being the jealous boyfriend, and want to trust her, but so many things have popped up recently that I'm having trouble doing that.

 

I'm honestly preparing to get drunk tonight before she comes over. It'll loosen myself up, and make me speak more freely and honestly. It's not a very good plan, but it'll numb me up, and it's all I got.

[eternalsunrise]

Mrjoe, I honestly think the most important information that you need to filter and consider priority is whether or not she has been faithful to you from the time you entered into an exclusive relationship together. From that point, you can then determine if you have a problem or not with her being friends with people she has been involved with in the past.

[DN]

Mrjoe, I honestly think the most important information that you need to filter and consider priority is whether or not she has been faithful to you from the time you entered into an exclusive relationship together. From that point, you can then determine if you have a problem or not with her being friends with people she has been involved with in the past.

Agreed - but how do you find out if she has cheated when she lies or conceals things about these guys?

[journeynow]

Actually, I meant specifically, what do YOU want to do?

 

You can only decide for yourself what to do. Do you want to continue to wait and see? Can you continue living like this, feeling like you do? Do you have a limit?

 

I don't recommend getting drunk if you want to have a productive conversation.

[pl3asehelp]

Bad idea. Have the talk sober.

[mrjoeblow78]

Mrjoe, I honestly think the most important information that you need to filter and consider priority is whether or not she has been faithful to you from the time you entered into an exclusive relationship together. From that point, you can then determine if you have a problem or not with her being friends with people she has been involved with in the past.

 

Yes, yes, I believe you may be on to something there. And it's thoughts like these that make my emotions swing the other way and want to give her the benefit of the doubt, and not rock the boat. I mean, there might be all sorts of reasons she doesn't want to tell me about former lovers/boyfriends. Do I really care about them if I'm confident in the end that she's faithful? The problem is that there's no way of being confident about that because all I have to go on his her word. And since she's lied, where does that leave me? Right back to where my emotions were to begin with.

 

The other thing is, what do I gain by confronting her? If she finally admits to having past relationships with these guys, we're still no better off than we are now, as I'd be just as suspicious as I am now. If she denies it, then I'd know she's lying and would still be as suspicious as I am now, with the caveat that now she knows I'm suspicious. If she admitted to cheating on me, then the relationship would be over. But that last one is really the only definitive ending to the confrontation. Every other result leads me back to where I am or worse...this sucks.

[journeynow]

Yall I have to go on his her word.

 

That's what most of us have to go on with our partners.

[journeynow]

If she finally admits to having past relationships with these guys, we're still no better off than we are now,

 

I think you'd be better off because you're getting things into the open. If she admits to having past relationships when before she denied it, talk about how that affects you and the relationship. Yes, it hurts the relationship, and you talk about it together to decide if that can be healed and she is willing to be more forthright. Let her explain why she kept it secret and why she has those pictures that she left for you to find. Your discussion will lead you somewhere, which is better than where you are now. If she denies it and you are sure she is lying, then decide if you want a relationship with her. If you stay, believing she lies to you, what does this say about you about how you value yourself? And if you don't tell her about what you found out, what does that say about how you value your own honesty?

 

Your choices are:

1) have a broken relationship and do nothing about it

2) acknowledge a broken relationship and try to heal it

3) break up

4) tell yourself your relationship is fine, and don't let it bother you

[eternalsunrise]

If I were you, I'd put aside the info you got from her emails and instead have a talk with her about fidelity when you're clear headed (not drunk). Here's what I'd say, keeping serious eye contact..don't look away from her eyes even for a second:

 

I need to ask you a question that I without a doubt have the right to know. Have you been with anyone else in any kind of sexual way since you and I started dating (or when we agreed we were mutually exclusive)?

 

Don't break eye contact. See if she looks away or looks guilty, etc. If she's been with someone else, she might even get teary eyed thinking that you have proof and you're just testing her or something. Trust your gut instinct. Don't break eye contact. If she breaks eye contact, ask her, "why can't you look me in the eye". Continue to say in a firm confident tone, "I need you to understand that I do not want to continue things between us if you have been with someone else while we have been dating. Do you understand that? Responsibility rests on your shoulders to tell me the truth or it will eat away at you."

 

The right tone will put conviction into the conversation and on her conscience, hopefully. She'll give the indication you need in order to determine the truth even if she doesn't come out and say "YES I cheated".

 

I think no matter what, you should first have this conversation with her before you even remotely consider telling her about reading her emails and knowing about these past lovers. The past could be totally irrelevant. So don't bring that into the mix. You first have to have this talk in the present, in the current circumstances since you are actually IN a relationship together. First things first.

 

Just my opinion.

[eternalsunrise]

I don't think you should test her by asking her about those guys in the past. That's just downright playing games on your part. Be straight about YOU TWO. - Have the convo asking her if she's been faithful to you.

[mrjoeblow78]

If you stay, believing she lies to you, what does this say about you about how you value yourself? And if you don't tell her about what you found out, what does that say about how you value your own honesty?

 

Your choices are:

1) have a broken relationship and do nothing about it

2) acknowledge a broken relationship and try to heal it

3) break up

4) tell yourself your relationship is fine, and don't let it bother you

 

You know how to cut to the core of me Baxter....the whiskey's already flying, she'll be her in 30 mins. I have no idea how this is going to go down. I'd prefer 2 or 4. And I think I could get to 4 if it wasn't for the latest "stay home for the fundraiser" request while she's out drinking heavily and bringing people back to her place.

 

Oh yeah, now that I'm lubricated a bit, I forgot to mention another red flag that came up. She has this drawer on her side of the bed. She's never explicitly told me not to look in there, or tried to hide it, but I'd never seen what's inside there. Then when I saw the photos of her and her old boss from 2006 on her computer while she was away at brunch, I said screw it, let's see what's in there. I open it up, and guess what I found, 2 condoms. We don't use condoms. I looked at the expiration date on the condoms and they expire in 2/2013, so it's very possible they've been there longer than we've been together. But again, my mind raced, and with all of these red flags popping up, it's taking a herculean effort to give her the benefit of the doubt. I need more whiskey....

[mrjoeblow78]

5 shots of whiskey in, woohoo, the trainwreck's a comin....

[DN]

Not a good idea to do this when you are drunk.

[mrjoeblow78]

Not a good idea to do this when you are drunk.

 

You're probably right, but it's all I got, I'm weak....just talked to her on the phone, she's still an hour away. I'm just relieved that this will all be over soon, I hope....

[DN]

Don't have another drink - it will not serve you.

[mrjoeblow78]

Don't have another drink - it will not serve you.

 

I'm at the breaking point, I think. Whatever happens at this point is out of my hands. I'm in tears as I write this. I just want things resolved.

[mrjoeblow78]

Well, holy crap, just had it out with her over the phone while drunk. She was supposed to come over, and then me her and her female friend were supposed to go out to eat. But she called to say the plan changed and we were all supposed to meet at the restaurant instead. I told her I was drunk, and it wasn't a good idea for me to try to drive over there. She expressed concern as to why I was drinking alone, and asked what it was about, work? or us? I said it was us. I said I was hoping to talk to her person, but she insisted on talking over the phone because she was getting angry and frustrated.

 

I explained that I wanted to trust her but that I felt she was hiding things about the true nature of her past relationships with these guys she sees. I specifically singled out her old boss as one where I felt she was lying to me about. She at first tried to say that they were just friends who smoked weed on occasion. I told her that she accidentally showed me the text from him where he apologized for coming on too strong with her. She played dumb saying she didn't know what I was talking about. I said that when she showed me her phone, the screen scrolled a bit, and I was able to get the gist of the text from him that read something like "Sorry for coming on to strong, I just got caught up with an old memory". She still played dumb saying she didn't know what I was talking about. Then I said that I wanted her to feel she could tell me anything and be completely honest with me. Eventually she admitted that they had a past relationship, but she no longer thinks of him in that way, and that she ended it a long time ago because they worked together and it was just a bad situation. I asked if he tried anything on her when he was here. She said no, but that guys do hit on her, but she always turns them down because she's with me.

 

I told her that I really wanted to trust her, but that I was also weirded out by the weed-growing guy she went to see a few months back. I told her that she knew at the time I was weirded out by that, even when she portrayed him as merely a friend, and then to find out later that they used to have sex really made me question her honesty. I told her that if the shoe was on the other foot, if I went to spend the night in the middle of nowhere smoking weed with a girl I used to bang, wouldn't she be mad if I neglected to tell her that. She said no, that she completely trusted me. I said I found that hard to believe. She then asked what I wanted her to do, did I want her to tell me she had tons of sex with a guy who she wants to meet for drinks and no longer has those types of feelings for. I said I didn't know, that there was no right way to proceed, just that I wanted to clear the air. She said that this really troubled her because her past is a lot more checkered than mine, and that she felt judged and was hoping we had gotten through this with our conversation earlier in the week. I told her that the past is the past, and I can't judge her for it, as it's really none of my business, just that I wanted to let her know that finding out that she used to be involved with these guys after-the-fact bothered me. She again asked if I wanted her to tell me about any past sexual history with guys she might meet for drinks, saying that she'd have to consider whether that was a deal-breaker for her, because it indicated that I didn't trust her. I again said I didn't know what I want her to do, that I was just expressing my feelings.

 

She said she was surprised we were having this conversation because she had been so happy with us recently, and thought I was happy too. I said I was glad to hear that, that I was happy, but was troubled when I found out about the past nature of her relationships with these guys and that I needed to have this conversation. She said this was this first time in our relationship where she didn't like me. I said I was sorry to hear that, that I loved her, but that this had been nagging at me the past week, and that I hoped that once we had this conversation, it'd be the end of it.

 

She then said she arrived at the restaurant, and her friend was waiting for her so she needed to get off the phone, and she would call me later. I said I understood, that I loved her, and said goodbye.

 

So that's where we are now....I need more whiskey.

[penelope13]

Stop drinking! I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who would feel the need to drink himself into a state before having the guts to talk to me about a serious issue.

 

Before you talk to her the next time - work out for yourself what you really want for yourself and the relationship and what your deal breakers are. Hoping that magically the past will be erased and you can be in a situation where she has never met an ex is not realistic.

 

You clearly learned that she has a different value set when it comes to being in communication/ spending time with a former lover. That's her prerogative and doesn't make her an evil person. However you need to work out if this is something you can accept or not. There is no gray in this.

 

If you want to keep this relationship alive (not sure if that is the best for either of you) - you either have to accept that she is different than you, or you have to hope that she is willing to adjust her values to yours - but you can't force her to change for you.

 

It's kind of passive aggressive to unload your feelings onto her, but when she asks you what she can do differently in the future, you can't give her any input. Don't expect her to figure out what you want, if you can't do that for yourself.

[DN]

The parts I have put in bold tell you all you need to know.

[mrjoeblow78]

It's the next morning, and I'm trying to remember what else we talked about on the phone.

 

The basic gist of it was that she has a past that she'd prefer not to dwell on or be judged on. She loves me, has been faithful to me, and I have nothing to worry about and should trust her. In talking about lying or omitting the true nature of her past with these guys, she said she didn't think it was relevant because she has no intention or desire of doing anything with these guys, that telling me about their past would cause me to worry unnecessarily, that whatever they did in the past is in the past and she doesn't think of them that way, that she's known this same group of people (both male and female) for many many years (10 to 20 years), and over that period, at one point or another they've all kind of dated each other, but it didn't make sense to tell me because that's all in the past, that she's with me now, she loves me, and I have nothing to fear.

 

She kind of abruptly ended the call when she arrived at the restaurant, saying she'd call me back after dinner. I went for a walk, and she called about 45 mins later. We were both a lot calmer and agreed that it was good we were having this conversation. She again stressed that she's been faithful, and I have nothing to fear. Then she said she'd come over to hang out a bit and say goodbye before we both left town over the next couple days. She came over, we hugged, kissed, and kind of fell back to our normal selves. We watched some tv, then she was going to go back to her place, but it was late and she called soon after she left saying she was tired and wanted to stay over. So she turned around, and we smoked out, drank a beer, and watched some more tv before going to sleep. We got up early, and she had to go back to her place and get ready for work.

 

I think a lot of you are right in that she and I have different perspectives or views on what's relevant information the other should know about. The important thing to me is that, despite the lies, half-truths, and omissions, I really do believe her when she says she's been faithful. In thinking about it more, that's the only thing I really care about, so I'm going to do my best to just let the other stuff fall by the wayside. I don't know if it'll work out for us, as that task might prove too difficult for me, but that's the conscience decision I've made.

 

So that's where I'm leaving it now. Thanks for commenting or offering advice or just following along with all this. It's always good to have a sounding board to run things by.

[eternalsunrise]

I'm glad this situation seems to be turning out well for the both of you.

 

There's still one more aspect, though, that in my opinion you should deal with. - In the spirit of honesty, you should tell her that you got into her email account. I think she has the right to know. By the way, are you still in her email account monitoring her emails? You don't have to answer to me, of course. There should be two-way honesty between you two, not just her being honest with you.

 

Hope things continue to go well.

[mrjoeblow78]

I'm glad this situation seems to be turning out well for the both of you.

 

There's still one more aspect, though, that in my opinion you should deal with. - In the spirit of honesty, you should tell her that you got into her email account. I think she has the right to know. By the way, are you still in her email account monitoring her emails? You don't have to answer to me, of course. There should be two-way honesty between you two, not just her being honest with you.

 

Hope things continue to go well.

 

Thanks. No, I'm not still looking through her email. The whole story is, she was over here about two months ago when she first used my laptop to access her email. And back then, after she left, I noticed that my browser kept her username and password saved. Out of curiosity I logged in to see if they were the correct credentials and they were, so I could easily have gone through her emails then, or really at any time. But I decided no, that would be invading her privacy, so I never did. Fast-forward to two weeks ago, and she came over and used my laptop again. This time she must have noticed that my laptop kept her username and password, because she changed her password. The reason I know this is because after I spent the weekend at her place, I came back home and saw that my laptop's browser window still had her email up, and the first couple emails in her inbox were notifying her that she successfully changed her password to her email and facebook accounts. This would be the first snooping episode as I let my curiosity/suspicion get the best me, and once I found the nude photos she sent, I made sure I looked through everything. Once I was satisfied/horrified enough, I closed the browser. So I haven't had access to her email since that first snooping episode, though admittedly, that was mostly due to me no longer having the correct password.

 

Now however, I feel like we're in a better place, so I'm hoping if I'm ever in the position to snoop again, I'll make the correct decision to not do so. No good will come of it. And I believe I've had a bit of a breakthrough in that I've learned I need to take a step back and realize that if this is going to work, I need to be able to trust her. So I'm taking the approach that I'll trust her and not go looking for things to get suspicious about, while realizing that she'll either prove trustworthy and faithful and we'll be happy together, or she'll eventually reveal herself to be untrustworthy and the relationship will end. But getting all worked up and suspicious is doing the relationship no good. Basically I need to calm down and mellow out and let things unfold on their own for better or worse.

[pl3asehelp]

You're already screwed dude - she's already lied. You can't trust her after she's lied. Not your problem, it's hers - she lied. There's no forgiving lying, the result of someone lying is they lose the right for people to trust them.

[lezlak]

boreed. your right. i did the same thing and now i always think he is hiding something. he doesnt trust me to not snoop. and i am always wanting to look in his phone or on his computer when he isnt around.

 

it just ruins everything. ignorance is bliss.

[pl3asehelp]

OR, she's bullsh**ing you and she has the same views as you about what's relevant information but she chose to lie to you about it so it would be easier for her to go spend the night with the dude she used to sleep with.

 

Come on, you know it's relevant to tell your boyfriend that the guys house you're sleeping over at is someone you used to sleep with. You know she knows it. You're just choosing to pretend to believe her lie so you can stay together.

 

How exactly, practically, do you plan to trust someone who lies to you?