Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[trustno1]

Listen......Im going through some things with my gf regarding her locked phone, kindle etc.......you have to confront her to have peace of mind.......no other option....just be honest with your feelings.....I am doing the same thing tonight regardless of what she says tonight.........don't accept any follishness from anyone......

[camus154]

Dude, I hate to pull the "we told you so" card, but....

 

....we told you so.

 

Look. At this point you're 33 pages and several months later into this dilemma. And things haven't changed--or rather, they have, but for the worst.

 

At this point this is all your own fault. Go into the bathroom. Look into the mirror. Look at yourself in the eyes. And say, "This is all my fault. Everything that is happening to me is because of my own doing."

 

Get it?

 

This girl doesn't love you. Or rather--she certainly doesn't respect you. Notice how she turned on the water works when you threatened to leave, but the instant you told her you wanted to work things out, all of a sudden she got real busy with work and didn't have time to talk? What, you think that's a coincidence? And there you were to tell her, ok, whenever we can talk is cool, ok, you're horny, so sure, sex is a great idea....

 

Wake up, dude. You've been a pushover and you continue to be a pushover. Which is why she doesn't respect you. Whatever you're getting out of this drama, just be very clear with yourself that you're participating in it quite willingly.

 

Go look in the mirror again until a light bulb goes on.

[Donovan79]

People can bang the hell out of exes and years later just hang out with them as friends, nothing more. That's fine. The whole Gary thing sounds suspect... especially if his name is really "Gary". That's just a guy who you don't want your girlfriend blowing. There's a reason it's Lumburgh's first name.

 

I think you gotta trust her for now, man, but at the same time, a 37-year-old woman going off into the country to get stoned with a guy she once showed her vag to doesn't sound like the greatest catch. Almost makes me think you'll find yourself writing these letters one day...

 

link removed

[diamond78]

I have to agree strongly with camus with here.

 

She is playing you like a dam fiddle. I wouldn't be surprised if she did indeed do something sexual with that guy Gary. I mean it appears as though she has hooked up with every guy she's ever met. Sheesh!

 

More importantly and most troubling is that after you questioned her about Gary, her resolution to your suspicions was to go and actually instigate sexual and inappropriate conversations with another man. Her behavior was careless and thoughtless. How could you possibly trust her after what she did right after you confronted her?!

 

Your girlfriend seems to need and love attention from other guys. And she exhibits a clear lack of moral boundaries, which makes for a dangerous combination.

 

Get out while you still can or this will only get increasingly worse. The paranoia alone will give you many sleepless nights.

[Miss Firecracker]

I just feel sad that you accept this type of nonsense. A relationship is supposed to enhance life.

[mrjoeblow78]

I have to agree strongly with camus with here.

 

She is playing you like a dam fiddle. I wouldn't be surprised if she did indeed do something sexual with that guy Gary. I mean it appears as though she has hooked up with every guy she's ever met. Sheesh!

 

More importantly and most troubling is that after you questioned her about Gary, her resolution to your suspicions was to go and actually instigate sexual and inappropriate conversations with another man. Her behavior was careless and thoughtless. How could you possibly trust her after what she did right after you confronted her?!

 

Your girlfriend seems to need and love attention from other guys. And she exhibits a clear lack of moral boundaries, which makes for a dangerous combination.

 

Get out while you still can or this will only get increasingly worse. The paranoia alone will give you many sleepless nights.

 

 

The thing that sucks is that I totally agree with you, yet, for some reason, I'm afraid to walk away. I dread the thought of waking up tomorrow without her in my life. I dread having to be alone and start over. I look back over the last 9 months and I think of all the good times we had, and I am just shocked to think that this same person who I had such great experiences with could be so deceitful or callous. It's like, was all the good stuff bullcrap, or what? I refuse to believe that it was meaningless to her. Yet, I have to face the fact that she was willing and planning to cheat on me. So where does that leave me? I don't know....I feel broken and lost, and I don't know what to do.

[journeynow]

You don't trust her. No matter what she says, you believe she cheated on you. If I were you, I'd break up, get counseling, be single for awhile, and get sober. If I were her, I'd break up, get counseling, be single for awhile, and get sober.

[diamond78]

The thing that sucks is that I totally agree with you, yet, for some reason, I'm afraid to walk away. I dread the thought of waking up tomorrow without her in my life. I dread having to be alone and start over. I look back over the last 9 months and I think of all the good times we had, and I am just shocked to think that this same person who I had such great experiences with could be so deceitful or callous. It's like, was all the good stuff bullcrap, or what? I refuse to believe that it was meaningless to her. Yet, I have to face the fact that she was willing and planning to cheat on me. So where does that leave me? I don't know....I feel broken and lost, and I don't know what to do.

 

I understand because I have been in a situation where someone has done you wrong, but you still want to give them another chance.

 

However, what's very disturbing about your lady is how calculated her efforts were....That's what's so scary. It's not like she had a friend or co-worker who she spends a lot of time with due to circumstances and just happened to develop feeings for them and an 'oopsie' happened.

 

She actively sought out a situation all on her own with a well-thought-out intent to do something that would harm herself, you, and another person's relationship. To me, that is a dangerous person and someone who can't be trusted on a day to day basis to do the right thing.

 

I think you should at the very least take some time away from her so that you can start thinking with a more clear head. Right now you're too clouded with emotions and feelings for her, the fear of losing her, and the need to know that she really does love you in return.

 

You don't want to believe her feelings weren't genuine or untrue, so you will stay in this unhealthy dance in hopes that she will prove to you that she really does love you in the way you want her to....So for now, I would try to distance yourself and take some time out for yourself and your sanity.

[Donovan79]

Man, she's also only going to just get better at lying the more you let her do it. And the more she lies to you and you accept it from her, the less she will respect you, until at some point soon, if not already, she'll have zero interest in you at all. Reading your whole story, I was so rooting for you when you were packing up your things and leaving her bedroom and she was blocking the door and you gave her cab money. That was confident and awesome.

 

But then you drove her to the airport, and then talked to her for awhile, and then called her the next time she didn't call, and suddenly she was able to turn the tables. She knew you weren't going to walk away then for sure, and you lost your only ace in the hole. Now she knows that she can flirt or worse with other guys all weekend, lie about it to you, your "software developer mind" will see the holes, she'll explain it with more lies, and you'll continue to just accept it.

 

I say wait until she acts like a ***** one more time, then says she's horny let's just have sex one more time, then once that's done and you've both used each other yet again, pack up and walk out for real. Don't look back. The insecurity you mentioned is only relevant here because it's preventing you from seeing all the many better women out there. As long as you let her lie she's only going to keep lying. She will never fix herself. Why would she?

[pl3asehelp]

The thing that sucks is that I totally agree with you, yet, for some reason, I'm afraid to walk away. I dread the thought of waking up tomorrow without her in my life. I dread having to be alone and start over. I look back over the last 9 months and I think of all the good times we had, and I am just shocked to think that this same person who I had such great experiences with could be so deceitful or callous. It's like, was all the good stuff bullcrap, or what? I refuse to believe that it was meaningless to her. Yet, I have to face the fact that she was willing and planning to cheat on me. So where does that leave me? I don't know....I feel broken and lost, and I don't know what to do.

 

Dude - you seriously need to check into a 30-90 day program and get sober. I absolutely promise you that if you were sober you would NEVER be in this situation.

 

She's annihilated your self esteem to zero.

 

You've got to save yourself here man.

 

This woman will end up killing you if you don't get out of this.

[swampyankee]

Not to flog a dead horse here, but she started planning a rendezvous with her tax preparer (and called it "just flirting"??) as soon as you and her had a conflict with you. If that's how she reacts to conflict then I could only imagine 5 years down the road when there is more longer-term conflict (hey, it happens) who she might react to it - and with whom...

[Miss Firecracker]

Dude - you seriously need to check into a 30-90 day program and get sober. I absolutely promise you that if you were sober you would NEVER be in this situation.

 

She's annihilated your self esteem to zero.

 

You've got to save yourself here man.

 

This woman will end up killing you if you don't get out of this.

 

This is true.

 

The drinking is necessary when you are dealing with a girl like her, so you will probably die from liver failure in a few years if you keep this up.

[journeynow]

Dude - you seriously need to check into a 30-90 day program and get sober. I absolutely promise you that if you were sober you would NEVER be in this situation.

 

She's annihilated your self esteem to zero.

 

You've got to save yourself here man.

 

This woman will end up killing you if you don't get out of this.

 

And if not this woman, possibly the next. (Not literally "kill", but I'm afraid you'll move into a similar relationship that perpetuates the tension and drama.) Get your head clear and sober to help yourself truly heal and move on to a better life.

[Donovan79]

While I don't think drinking a bottle of whiskey to wash away your sorrows is ever a great idea, I don't see where the alcohol caused this, or why him fixing it is dependent on sobriety. This is a clear case of a damaged, lying girl and a guy who needs to find the stones to kick her to the curb.

[pl3asehelp]

While I don't think drinking a bottle of whiskey to wash away your sorrows is ever a great idea, I don't see where the alcohol caused this, or why him fixing it is dependent on sobriety. This is a clear case of a damaged, lying girl and a guy who needs to find the stones to kick her to the curb.

 

Go read every page of this thread (I have). This guy is putting a scary amount of substances in his body on a way too frequent basis.

[Isabel1990]

Go read every page of this thread (I have). This guy is putting a scary amount of substances in his body on a way too frequent basis.

 

Ditto. I just spent 3 hours reading this whole thread. Dont mean to lecture, OP, but the level of alcohol and weed consumption is pretty scary here, and it is affecting you tremendously, believe it or not. You should check on that.

 

About your girlfriend, just wow, what a character. So sorry this has happened to you. I think posters like pl3asehelp and Camus have been right on the money on their assessment of this woman from day 1. But okay, you wanted to keep trying and trust. And then bang! Sean the tax preparer?!?! Oh my God.

 

And then the way in which she DARES to turn the tables later and think she is the one who gets to decide how (and if!) things will play out, suddenly acting as if she is the one who has been wronged and hurt. Honestly, not good, just bad bad stuff, get away from this person. She is disrespectful and just mean. A person who loves could never do the things she's done to you. Forget about all the happy memories, all the amazing experiences of the past, think about it as the honeymoon phase all couples go through. This is the REAL her, and that real person is ugly and impossible to deal with. She seems to be nuts, unstable, desperate for attention and validation from other men. Free-spirited my butt. I know it seems so impossible right? someone you shared so many happy moments with, it's hard to believe she would do things like this. But there you go, people surprise you. And she seems to have had quite a past...old habits die hard. And if at 30-something she's still playing around like this.. not good.

 

It's absolutely irrelevant at this point whether she cheated on you or not (as in: having actual sex with someone else). She hasnt been loyal in her actions. She has been dishonest, disloyal, and disrespectful. There is no way to excuse her. I'd like to find anyone here willing to excuse her now as in the beginning of all this.

I know it will hurt to break it off, but you cant take this any longer. It will destroy you. Get away, no more sex, no more dinners or talks, just get away. Respect yourself because she doesn't.

 

I really hope it all works out for you and that you make the right decision. I believe there's only one right decision at this point and you know it. I hope you find the strength to make it and stay on that path. And that you get healthy again. Seek help too, from family, friends, and maybe even professionals to deal with all this, mostly with staying away from substances for a good while. Not saying you're an addict or anything, but it's dangerous.

 

When you break it off for good, things will get better. They always do. Dont waste more life on this person.

 

Good luck!

[lalalollipops]

^ Yeah exactly right. Having her in your life is like taking poison and slowly waiting to die.

Cos she is killing you, and breaking you piece by piece.

Soon you'll be nothing but a shell. You can't do this to yourself. Let her go.

[mrjoeblow78]

Another update:

 

Just broke up with her this morning.

 

She went on a short business trip last week where they spent the nights partying till 2am entertaining clients, or so she said. She didn't text or call like she usually did, and it just felt like we were growing more and more distant. I picked her up from the airport very late Friday and she was in a grumpy mood, didn't even really want to hug or kiss when I met her. We went back to my place, smoked out, watched some TV, then went to sleep. In her defense, she had to deal with flight delays, and long boring flights, but still, things just didn't feel right. She told me what a blast she had on the trip, how some guy hit on her, and she turned him down, but the way she described it, the fact that she had a boyfriend never seemed to have entered her mind.

 

Saturday, we had a great day actually. She was still grumpy in the morning, but we got out and enjoyed the amazing weather, and drove to the country. We smoked out with some of her friends, then came back and got a massage (all at my expense). She seemed to come out of her funk and was much more affectionate that she was earlier. Then her girl friends requested she come out for a girl's night, and I said I'd be fine to just stay at her place and relax. So she went out, and I just hung out at her place, smoked out, drank a beer or two, and watched TV. But in my paranoid/stoned state, I grew more and more convinced that she had cheated on me. So I decided to snoop the drawer next to her bed. A while back I had looked in this drawer at her request to search for something and found 2 condoms (we don't use condoms). This time I snooped and found only 1. I wasn't even angry at this point, I was just like, well, here's more evidence, get out of this you idiot. So I thought about what to do. She was supposed to come home and we were supposed to have sex, and I debated staying for the sex and then leaving in the morning, and then ending things later. But I feared my feelings might change in the morning and I wouldn't be able to pull the trigger. My cell phone was dead, so I wrote a note saying: "Had a fun day, but need time off to think about things. I'm headed home. My phone's dead so I probably can't talk tonight", and then I left before she got back. It took a while to get back to my place, but I got back around 1:30am, and slept.

 

I was surprised at how fast I went to sleep, but was awoken by her at 6:30am. She said she hadn't slept at all, that she was worried I didn't make it back, and that she called my home phone and left a message. I told her I didn't look at my home phone, but that I was sorry for not letting her know I made it back ok. She asked what was going on. I told her that the only reason two people should be together is because they make each other happy, an that if she wasn't happy or content to be in an exclusive relationship with me, then it was best to go our separate ways. She said she knew she was grumpy earlier, but that she was just stressed out by her job, and lack of sleep, but that she was happy, and thought things were great between us. I told her that I can't shake the thought that she was playing me, and said I got super stoned and looked in her drawer and found 1 condom, when previously there were 2. She was mad I looked through her drawer, but seemed puzzled by this and said she didn't know how many condoms were there, she said her friend who had visited the week prior probably took one because she was hoping to (and did) hook up with a guy. I said I really wished that was the case, but that at this point, even if it was, the fact that I looked in her drawer shows that I can't get over my suspicions. I said, after the email fiasco, and our talk, that I knew it would be tough to get past this, but that I'd try, and that I have tried, but ultimately I'm not able to get past it. I told her how I thought it was weird how she took her phone into the bathroom prior to her trip, like she didn't want to make the call in front of me. I told her how it seemed she didn't want me around when the weed-growing guy came by. She said she didn't care if I was there when he showed up, and that her friend was there when he did, and that he was only there for 5 minutes and barely got out of his truck. I told her that even if that was the case, I can't shake being suspicious of her. We were both tearful and emotional through this, but not angry. I told her I loved her, and cared for her, and always would, but that it just wasn't enough. She said she understood, that she sensed I wasn't happy. Then we kind of joked that I'd be calling her down the line asking her for girl advice like some of her other ex-boyfriend's do. She said we'd take some time off from talking with one another but hoped we could still be friends down the line. She said she'd come by and pick up her things when she gets back from her next trip, next week. I told her I loved her, and then we said good bye.

 

I'm kind of a wreck right now, and wondering if I did the right thing. I think it needed to be done, but it's tough. I'm trying to remember what I did before she was in my life. I had so dove into her world that I feel lost without her. I hope that feeling will pass, and soon. Today sucks.

[DN]

Yes, you did the right thing and for the right reasons.

[Donovan79]

You did absolutely the right thing, man. You should be extremely proud of what you did that last night and morning, how you handled it, the words you said. You showed her what honesty was like in how you handled the condom. Spoken like a man. Now you have to not contact her for awhile, and when she contacts you give her the shortest, most neutral answers possible.

 

The key now is to not let her try to get you back, because she will. She's going to use every trick in the book, including guilt, sympathy, anger, and all the rest, and try convince you that she's changed. But we all know no one can change overnight, and if you go back you'll be right back to not trusting. Move on, improve yourself, maybe cut back on smoking up quite so much, think about a new job and maybe some classes, become a badass. Maybe six months down the line she'll realize she f$&$ed up something amazing and will try to figure out what to do to never have it happen again. I think you can do better, though.

 

Well played.

[mrjoeblow78]

She just called, and we talked again. It was a good conversation. We're both resigned to the fact it's over, but she seemed positive and upbeat that we could remain friends. There was no anger, a little sadness, but it just seemed more hopeful and happy that, even though we're through as a couple, we'll still remain in each others lives in a different capacity. We again laughed that we have good breakups, as last time we had sex and she bought me some sunglasses, this time we had a great day and I bought us massages. It's still very very early after the breakup, but I'm hopeful that we're in a good place.

[Donovan79]

This doesn't sound like a great idea. One of you is always going to want back and then have to watch the other one dating others, now openly, and when they find someone good your new friendship is going to vanish. But if you can live with it, cool.

[Isabel1990]

I can only imagine how crushed you must be feeling right now, but have no doubt in your mind that you did the right thing. And I agree with Chris, she will probably try to get you back and convince you that she can change. I find it so funny when people say that, nobody changes their ways overnight, mostly people with the loyalty and stability issues she seems to have. Whether she can truly change in the long run, I dont know, but I dont suggest you stick around to find out and waste your life in the process of getting yourself back in the mindset of trusting her. It will probably never happen. You spoke the right words: the only reason two people should stay together is because they make each other happy. You havent been that happy when you havent been able to trust her, maybe in the initial weeks, months, but be honest with yourself: your (justified) distrust in her began a long time ago, as far as August last year you were already posting here about trust issues with some "platonic friend" of hers and a somewhat intimate birthday celebration. Looking at the time frame, I'm assuming she's the same person we are talking about. And you two were just getting started.

 

You did the right thing here, there was no other way around it. You deserve better and will get better. Just focus now on yourself, work on yourself, on your health, your self-esteem, keep your mind busy, active (not stoned and idle with pot or depressed with alcohol) and by all means try to avoid contact with her. You don't need her, you only think you do. You're self-sufficient and a whole person all by yourself, your happiness doesn't depend on anyone but yourself. Other people should be just complements, hopefully good ones that add to that happiness. Not this wreck.

 

You're on the right track to a better life, just take baby steps, you'll make it through and see the light sooner than later. Stay strong and well done.

[Isabel1990]

This doesn't sound like a great idea. One of you is always going to want back and then have to watch the other one dating others, now openly, and when they find someone good your new friendship is going to vanish.

 

Yeah I agree

[mrjoeblow78]

You might be right. And like I said, the breakup just happened this morning, so our feelings and emotions are probably all over the map at this point. But for some reason it seemed to make a lot of sense. I mean, I doubt we'll hang out any time soon, but I could see us doing that at some point. She made a point that I didn't really think about before, but it was that when you look at what we've been up to over the last 2-3 weeks, it really was like we were more like friends than a couple. I mean, we had sex occasionally, but not a lot recently because she's had her period, been traveling a lot, and then got strep throat, but most of the time we were just hanging out and laughing at stupid movies or whatever.

 

But yeah, I'm not sure how I'd feel about meeting her NEW boyfriend. Though I'm hoping if that were to ever happen, it'd be far enough down the line that I'd have moved on to someone else too.

 

At this point, it's just talk after a fresh breakup, who knows if we'll actually remain in this friendly frame of mind.