Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[Seraphim]

So yes, you ARE snooping as you saw she was not pleased. The more you snoop the less impressed she will become. Really, this relationship is on track for a trainwreck.

[mrjoeblow78]

I am wondering if you have done this before in past relationships kept daily journals about what you did and snooped and seemed a bit paranoid about their behaviours?

 

No. I started the journal about a year ago as a writing exercise before I was dating her. I found I liked doing it, and have kept updating it when I have the chance. It contains lots of random thoughts, ideas, musings about a number of subjects, but mostly is there to sort of document my life and how I feel about things at a point in time. What's kind of cool is that I can go back to when our relationship began and read what we did and how I perceived things at the time. What I posted above was a severely abridged version that solely focused on weed and alcohol use.

[mrjoeblow78]

So yes, you ARE snooping as you saw she was not pleased. The more you snoop the less impressed she will become. Really, this relationship is on track for a trainwreck.

 

I don't know how you're misreading what went down. She asked me to look in the drawer. I did so, and found the condoms I knew were there, which I then asked her about. She wasn't angry or anything, her reaction was at first dismissive like they meant nothing, then I think she realized she needed to say more when I mentioned how we don't use them. It was like it registered that she needed to give further explanation. She wasn't angry or defensive or anything really. She just matter-of-factly stated they were from before we were together, when she was single, and she was safety-conscious. And that was that.

[Seraphim]

You said you used this opportunity as an excuse to look for the things you wanted to look for. It is all semantics. It is snooping whichever way you want to call it. It sounds like you guys are trying to make a relationship around drinking and toking. That never works.

[SarahRose]

You said you used this opportunity as an excuse to look for the things you wanted to look for. It is all semantics. It is snooping whichever way you want to call it. It sounds like you guys are trying to make a relationship around drinking and toking. That never works.

 

I agree with this. There seems to be excessive drug and alcohol issues with both.

 

OP I think I would get some help with the drug and alcohol excesses and no, nobody wants to think they have a problem with these things.

 

I think I would be irritated with you if every other moment you are giving her the third degree about something. She is grumpy when she gets off the plane, you feel offended and slighted. Flying make me tired and anxious so yes I get grumpy.

 

You seem to look for any opportunity to snoop and get evidence she is cheating on you.

 

Why not just end things?

[Fudgie]

Trust issues aside, OP, she sounds like a raging alcoholic. The amount of alcohol that you two are drinking is mind-boggling, especially on her part.

 

And this is coming from someone who makes mixed drinks for herself almost every weekend.

 

This is not a healthy relationship in any sense.

[mrjoeblow78]

You said you used this opportunity as an excuse to look for the things you wanted to look for. It is all semantics. It is snooping whichever way you want to call it. It sounds like you guys are trying to make a relationship around drinking and toking. That never works.

 

I used this opportunity to ask her about the condoms I knew were there from a previous snooping episode. When I found them previously, I looked at the expiration date of 02/13, and reasoned they were probably old from before we were together and never mentioned it to her. So yeah, I snooped a while back, but this was just a coincidence that she asked me to look in her drawer for her wallet. So when I saw the condoms still there, I decided to mention it to her, and gauge her response. It confirmed what I thought previously, that they were old from before we were together.

[mrjoeblow78]

I think I would be irritated with you if every other moment you are giving her the third degree about something. She is grumpy when she gets off the plane, you feel offended and slighted. Flying make me tired and anxious so yes I get grumpy.

 

We've only had 2 discussions where I've asked her pointed questions (the last was about a week and half ago, on Feb 16th).

 

As for her being grumpy. I was just hoping for a happier reunion after not seeing each other for 7 days, that's all.

 

You seem to look for any opportunity to snoop and get evidence she is cheating on you.

 

I've snooped exactly 3 times. The 1st when she left her email open on my laptop and my curiosity got the best of me. The 2nd was a much more calculated snoop of her phone, and was in response to what I found the 1st time. The 3rd was a snoop of this same drawer where I found the condoms. The 3rd and last snoop was 2 weeks ago (Feb 12). I've had plenty of opportunities to snoop since but stopped myself, and have no plans to snoop in the future.

 

But you're right in that I have been insecure about things. I realize that, and that's why I posted here. I wasn't sure if I was overreacting, or not thinking rationally, or what, so I turned to the board for advice.

 

Why not just end things?

 

Believe me, I've thought about it. I've even played out different scenarios about how it would go down. But, in the end, I love her.

[mrjoeblow78]

There seems to be excessive drug and alcohol issues with both.

 

OP I think I would get some help with the drug and alcohol excesses and no, nobody wants to think they have a problem with these things.

 

Trust issues aside, OP, she sounds like a raging alcoholic. The amount of alcohol that you two are drinking is mind-boggling, especially on her part.

 

And this is coming from someone who makes mixed drinks for herself almost every weekend.

 

You might be right. It's just, it's so apart of what we do on a daily basis that we don't even think about it. Plus, as I said before, we're pretty mellow compared to a lot of others in her circle of friends. I mean, at least we're not part of the cocaine scene.

 

I'm actually not too concerned about the weed use because....well, it's weed. I actually would rather have her stop smoking cigarettes (she smokes a 2 or 3 in an evening), than stop smoking weed.

[penelope13]

Regardless of what she may do: why don't YOU stop your alcohol and weed consumption for a while - it may give you some clarity about this relationship and life in general

[pl3asehelp]

You might be right. It's just, it's so apart of what we do on a daily basis that we don't even think about it. Plus, as I said before, we're pretty mellow compared to a lot of others in her circle of friends. I mean, at least we're not part of the cocaine scene.

 

I'm actually not too concerned about the weed use because....well, it's weed. I actually would rather have her stop smoking cigarettes (she smokes a 2 or 3 in an evening), than stop smoking weed.

 

I agree with you that the weed is of little or no relevance, but there's WAY too much alcohol consumption happening here - you know that though.

[mrjoeblow78]

Regardless of what she may do: why don't YOU stop your alcohol and weed consumption for a while - it may give you some clarity about this relationship and life in general

 

Yeah, I see your point, and I might see if I can do that. It's just a huge part of my social life right now.

 

One thing I am concerned about is that I'm seeing some self-destructive tendencies to my drinking, where there wasn't that before. There's been a few times in the last month or so where I've gotten drunk not really for fun reasons, like I did it almost out of spite or to help me deal with something. I've never done that before. One such time is documented in this thread when I confronted her about a lie she told. Fortunately, I'm pretty much a happy drunk, so I haven't done anything stupid or gotten into trouble.

[lolgirl]

I snooped through my ex's things after I caught him in some huge lies. While i know it was wrong, i dont regret it at all. Some of those lies consisted of meeting with his ex behind my back, talking to girls as if he were single, and getting girl's numbers. I was heartbroken, but stayed with him, thinking I could get over it. I didn't, I snooped, and found more lies that he had covered up. Lets just say the nude pics of girls he was receiving while we were dating was the icing on the cake. But my dumb self still stayed with him. In the end, he broke up with me, and I will never EVER EVER forgive him. He is dead to me, as far as I am concerned.

 

To the OP...run away now. Trust me, you will be better off than this dead weight of a person.

[mrjoeblow78]

Sorry to hear that. It's weird, because I don't want to put my head in the sand, but I also don't want to snoop. It's a fine line. I'm choosing to trust her until she proves herself untrustworthy, which is the way I think most couples go about their lives.

 

But when you think about it, it means that if your significant other is cheating or whatever, you'll only find out about it if they screw up in a very visible or obvious way. I mean, if you really do trust them, then anything short of accidentally catching them red-handed can be brushed aside.

 

If I take a step back and look at my situation, the only thing my snooping has revealed is that she lied about her past relationships with a couple of guys. I found nothing showing she cheated on me, or sought to cheat on me, and in one instance it even showed her turning down one of these guys advances. I was upset she lied, but based on what I did NOT find, I think I have to trust that she lied without malicious intent. Maybe that's dumb or naive or whatever, but it seems to be where I'm at...

[mrjoeblow78]

An update:

 

I've been having a weekly lunch with a female co-worker. It's strictly platonic but we usually drink. She's in a unique position because she worked closely with my girlfriend, has been with the company for 10 years, and is more in tune with what's going on rumor-wise and whatnot.

 

During one of our first lunches, she said she didn't know for sure, but suspected, that me and my girlfriend were an item when she (my girlfriend) was still with the company. Our most recent lunch was Tuesday, and I confided in her that we are indeed an item, and have been for some time, and I have been discussing my situation with her, seeking her advice. I laid everything on the table with her: my snooping, what I found, my discussions/confrontations with my girlfriend, her lies, etc. She said it didn't sound good, and that it's very difficult to have someone lie to your face and not be suspicious of them at every turn because that seed of doubt is planted

 

She said she knew that my girlfriend and Gary (remember him?) were involved before he left the company (and before we were together). She had heard the rumor, and saw how they interacted with each other, and had no doubt that that was the case. It confirmed what I had long suspected, but also confirmed that my girlfriend lied to my face when I asked her about it a few weeks back. It doesn't sit well with me...

 

She said that I should still try to give my girlfriend the benefit of the doubt because so far I've only caught her lying about her past with these guys, and there's no proof that anything happened while we've been together. She also said that if she were in my shoes, she'd snoop too, and really didn't see a problem with that. She said it's better to find out now, rather than a year or two down the line when there's potentially more at stake. I asked her for a brutally honest assessment of my girlfriend, and she confided that she didn't have a positive impression of my girlfriend from day one, saying that she considered her to be too much of a free-spirit who talked a lot, wasn't very good at her job, and was eager to impress people with stories that may or may not be true. She emphasized that that was just her impression, and that she could have changed.

 

She suggested that I pull back a little from my girlfriend, maybe even get her wheels turning by being more social with folks at work. One of the problems that she sees is that my reputation is one of a good-natured person almost to a fault. I'm a nice guy, and she thinks my girlfriend knows this all to well, and kind of takes advantage of it or takes it for granted. She suggested I tell my girlfriend about our lunches, but mention that other girls are there as well, just to kind of let her know that I have other options and that she might have to put forth more effort to keep us together.

 

This strategy has already started to unfold without me intending for it to. My girlfriend visited my company for lunch yesterday (Wednesday) to catch up with everyone. I was there, and once again, we pretended that we were merely former co-workers. The other female co-worker who I have a weekly lunch with was there as well, and we sat near each other. After the lunch was over, my girlfriend called me and said it was good to see everyone, then mentioned that she noticed that me and this female-co-worker interacted differently than before. I told her it was probably because we've been having lunch every week and we're closer friends than before. She cautioned me to be careful because other people probably see it and might get the wrong impression and rumors might start. She said I probably shouldn't drink so much with her, then suggested we put our plan in motion for eventually revealing to people at my work that we are a couple. We had talked about doing that previously, but it sounded like she wanted to get it underway all of a sudden.

 

I talked it over with the my female co-worker, and she said that she thought my girlfriend was getting a little jealous thinking that my female co-worker was trying to hook up with me. We chuckled a little bit because that is not the case, and it was crazy how fast her suspicions/jealousy revealed itself. I feel a little guilty playing this game, but it seems like she needs to know she can't take me for granted, or take advantage of my good nature, so I'm going to continue down this path a little. There's supposed to be a happy hour get together for co-workers tomorrow which I'll attend and let my girlfriend know about....

[Tanzi]

Whilst this co-worker talks SOME sense, I'm not sure that conconcting mind games is the answer to all this. I can only see that adding fuel to the fire. Maybe she shouldn't take you for granted but neither should you take for granted that playing games is the answer. Playing games like this could backfire on you. Problems should be talked about and resolved.

 

Personally I think that too much drink is involved in whatever you are doing and you rarely have a clear head to think properly!!

 

The bottom line is, if you won't ever be able to trust your gf then this will never be resolved.

[swampyankee]

What's good for the goose is good for the gander eh.

 

I've been down this whole road as you - my girlfriend's past, dating history, hints about not being such a good girl in the past, etc. I snooped (everyone who has snooped when they had the opportunity, raise your hand - thought so..). I had the same sick feelings you've described, and had similar discussions as you. I've been frank about my somewhat sheltered past (married, long-term) as opposed to hers (divorced and dating for the previous 5 years).

I reconciled it by telling myself what you have - that I need to take her love at face value and trust her for the future. If she betrays that trust, shame on her.

It's funny you mention her reaction to your lunches with female co-workers. My girlfriend's jealous side was shown in a similar manner. I took the opportunity to open it up for discussion and she showed me a much more vulnerable and insecure side. We talked about all of that and it seemed to open up a whole new level in our relationship. One where she felt she could be vulnerable and softer. It really deepened our bond to know that she confided that in me, whereas previously I felt I was the one more willing to wear my heart on my sleeve.

We've experienced the same, intense relationship, instant closeness, spending time together constantly and IM'ing/texting when we couldn't. 3-1/2 years later she is my wife and we couldn't be happier.

Because I chose to trust.

 

Now about that drinking and smoking - We've been there, done that. Of all the times we've had stupid disagreements, alcohol has been involved. But we've also purposely spent some time away from it all to clear our heads. It helps to maintain clarity. Otherwise your life becomes that Eagles song, Life in the Fast Lane. lol

[mrjoeblow78]

I envy you, and only hope my situation turns out that well. And I think you're right about the alcohol too. In my case there's a lot of alcohol, weed, not to mention lack of sleep. Sometimes I feel like my head never gets a chance to clear, and it's affecting my perception.

 

Just last night there was incident where her best friend's boyfriend came into town and needed a place to crash, so he wound up crashing at her place. I was there, and we stayed up till 1 drinking wine and smoking out. My girlfriend and I slept in her bedroom, while he was in the living room on the sofa. At about 4:30am, she shifted in bed, which woke me up, then she got out of bed topless (she always sleeps topless) and made her way to the bedroom door. Her apartment is such that outside her door is the living room where the guy was. I watched her go to the door, and start to peek through it, then slowly open it up. I could see that the bathroom light was on, so the guy was in there. I whispered her name, which kind of startled her, and then she came back to bed, and chuckled that she wasn't wearing a top, and then started to sleep. My immediate assessment of the situation was that she was attempting to accidentally-on-purpose run into this guy with no top. It bummed me out, and put me in a grumpy mood, and I had trouble sleeping the rest of the night. A little while later she got up again, put on a robe, went to the bathroom, then came back to bed. I think she sensed I was grumpy and tried to cuddle with me. In the morning, I replayed what happened and even asked her about it, and she said she just forgot that she didn't have a top on...I'm still trying to figure out if I'm thinking straight about this or not. But I'm just so tired.

[pl3asehelp]

Yep - the accidental bump into so she can get a little more validation. No way that was a mistake.

[wesa]

There is no indication that she is anything but friends with these guys. If you believe that she cheated then that is something different but at this point she failed to disclose that she had previously gone out with guys that she has spent time with. If that is reason for you to break up with her then so be it but you cannot get around the fact that you snooped and found this information out without any basis for snooping through her email.

 

I don't send naked pics to 'just friends.' Wth.

[Wistful]

End things and move on.

 

A lot of people will have various opinions about whether she actually did anything with either of these men, but in my mind that's missing the point.

 

The point is, this woman has twice now gone off with other men without being forthcoming about the real nature of her relationship with them. In other words, she can't be trusted.

 

Good luck.

I agree with this. I'm not even going to comment on the snooping, that's the least of the problems here. I would be bothered, first of all, if my man was wanting to go off alone with girls I'd never met to drink and smoke pot. Then if I found out he'd had more of a relationship with them than he'd let on, I'd be furious. To me, that's lying, and disrespectful.

[SarahRose]

i hope you realize your drinking friend is gossiping about everything you tell her to anyone who will listen in the company. why do you think she is so up on the rumors there? i would stop confiding in her.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

[quote=mrjoeblow78;5216939She's in a unique position because she worked closely with my girlfriend, has been with the company for 10 years, and is more in tune with what's going on rumor-wise and whatnot.

 

She said she knew that my girlfriend and Gary (remember him?) were involved before he left the company (and before we were together). She had heard the rumor, and saw how they interacted with each other, and had no doubt that that was the case. It confirmed what I had long suspected,

 

How does it confirm what you long suspected she heard the rumor, rumor are simply rumor's not facts.

I think you shouldn't use this girl to get back at your girlfriend, playing games isn't wise.

 

As for your latest update: How can anyone forget that they are topless, that doesn't sit well with me either.

[pudding05]

She should have been completely and utterly honest with you.

 

I smell a rat here.

 

Maybe you should approach it quietly?

 

Bring up the dinner in casual conversation, perhaps ask if she would ever consider being with him? Gage her reaction. Make it general conversation.

 

When I was with my last boyfriend, a girl was deliberately coming between us, texting him messages, sending him pictures, and I asked him to remove her number so we could move on. A few weeks later I checked his phone (I had been on holiday) and her number was saved again. I remained calm and when he was back in the room, I casually brought up how glad I was that we had moved on and thanked him for being so cooperative and removing her number...

 

He said, "That's fine, anything for you."

 

If he had said, "Actually, I completely forgot.." or "she text me the other day, I saved it so I'd know it was her"... then it would have been a decent explanation.

 

But he had the opportunity to come clean by himself and he didn't.

 

Give her the same opportunity.

 

Then you'll know if she's willing to be honest.

 

Good luck

[mrjoeblow78]

A rather depressing update:

 

(This happened a few weeks ago but I feel I need to write about it and update the board)

 

On Thursday, March 15th, we were supposed to meet up and go to a concert. I was psyched and arrived in front of the venue, and talked with her on the phone. She was driving back from a rotary club dinner where another of my co-workers (married older guy) had invited her. No big deal, I know the guy, he's no threat, except that she mentioned they talked about Gary and said she wanted to catch up with him. This immediately put me in a crappy mood. I went quiet on the phone, and she could tell something was wrong, and quickly tried to say that it wasn't high on her priority list. She knows that Gary's a sore subject with me, so I don't know why she would bring it up. I told her I had to use the bathroom and quickly got off the phone. It really bothered me, and I decided to get some drinks while I waited for her. She arrived, and I was still in a bad mood, and kind of aloof with her. She senses something is amiss, and tries to cheer me up by saying how she missed me, and couldn't wait to be here with me. I avoid making too much eye contact with her, and still feel like I've been kicked in the balls. We go in, buy some t-shirts, then she goes to the restroom. I hang back, and decide to text the other female co-worker I've been getting advice from. As I'm doing so, my girlfriend comes back, and I abruptly close my phone, I can see she's wondering what that was about. We get some beers, and then take our seats. They're great seats, and the concert is great. I'm distracted though, and she senses my distraction. I get my phone out to take a picture as she watches. When my phone turns on, she briefly sees, we're talking for less than a second, a text from the other female co-worker saying something to the affect that she couldn't believe my girlfriend would bring Gary up, and that I should keep my guard up and keep my options open. My girlfriend also sees part of my response which says I feel like the biggest chump in the world. She asks what that was about, I tell her it was about the other girl's husband. As the show goes on, she says my chest smells, and asks if it is perfume. I get the sense that she's wondering if it's the other girl's perfume or something. I tell her no, that it's just the balm the chiropractor put on my chest to treat my hockey injury. I down my beer, and I quickly go to get some more beers. And the show goes on. She says she's going to go smoke, and I take the opportunity to try and finish my text to the other girl. My girlfriend abruptly comes back, and I once again quickly turn off my phone. Now she's mad, and asks what's going on. She says it's uncool of me to hide things from her or to secretly be chatting with this other girl. I tell her she has nothing to worry about with the other girl, and that I'll tell her everything after the concert. She's mad, but says ok, because we both want to watch the show. After the show, we go back to the parking lot and have it out. I tell her that I told this other girl a week ago that we've been dating, and I've confided in her a little. My girlfriend's not happy to hear this as it means I lied to her for the last week. I tell her I was in a good mood until she mentioned wanting to catch up with Gary. I lay it out for her why that bothered me. I tell her this other girl had heard the rumor too. I told her (my girlfriend) how when I asked her (my girlfriend) about it the first time she said something like "I have no doubt Gary would tell people that she blew him", and how that made no sense. How it also made no sense that she would be more mad at people for repeating the rumor than at Gary for starting it. I tell her that it made even less sense to want to meet up or catch up with Gary and remain on good terms with him. I tell her I know of no one who would make up a rumor like that, and even if someone did, I don't see how the target of the rumor would be cool with that or want to meet up with the rumor starter. She continued to deny that anything happened. I begged her to tell me the truth. I said I could handle brutal honesty, that anything that she did before us is none of my business and I could handle it, but she kept on saying that nothing happened. I was almost yelling at how nothing she's saying makes sense. It got to the point where she even admitted that it would be easier for us at this point if she just "lied" and said something did happen, but she kept on denying it. I think she sort of realized how illogical it was that she wanted to remain on good terms with Gary, so she said that she was going to ask him why he made up the rumor...I just didn't believe her. She knew I didn't believe her, and that upset her more. She asked me why I believed a rumor over her word. I told her I'm trying to believe her, I really am, but it just makes no logical sense. She swears she did nothing with Gary. She says she had the opportunity to do something, and that she hung out with him and smoked weed. And that she even exchanged her Vicodin with him for weed, but she refuses to admit anything sexual went down. I told her I am trying to believe her but that it just didn't make sense. But I decided to move on from that. I bring up weed-growing guy again, and she admits that she and him were sex-buddies a year ago, but now he knows she has a boyfriend, so there's nothing between them. I bring up her former boss again, I ask her if he tried anything (knowing full well he did). She said yes, but she turned him down. I ask about the text message I saw before. She said there was actually a more graphic one related to what he did with another girl that she deleted, because she didn't want to discuss it with him. So we get in the car, and I'm asking her some other questions. We sort of calm down a little. She asks about the other girl again. So I tell her that I've confided in her a little and asked her advice on some things.

 

She starts to get angry with me because she realizes I've been lying to her about when this other girl knew about us for the past week. I tell her it's a minor lie, and that I was in a awkward position because I knew she didn't want this girl to know about us right away, but that once this girl "guessed" that we were dating correctly, I didn't know if I should tell her (my girlfriend) that this other girl knew, because our plan was always to tell this other girl eventually. Anyway, things kind of fluctuated on the ride back. She was angry because I lied, and because I didn't believe her about Gary. At some point, when we got near her place, she wondered out loud if this was a deal breaker, our voices escalated, and I was drunk and had enough, so I jumped out of the car before it was completely stopped, and planned on walking back to my truck and driving away. But I knew I shouldn't drive, and I was worried that things just ended, so I kind of slumped on the sidewalk near my truck, planning to stay there until I sobered up. Then she walks back to me and asks me to get up and come back with her. So we get back to her place, and our attitudes kind of perk up a bit, and we go to bed. She seems to be cool with things, and mentions that her Mom apparently loves me, and told her when they were alone that she hopes we have kids together. We're suddenly on good terms and we have sex. Then we sleep. So, morning comes, and I don't know how things are going to look to either of us. She's grumpy, and really starts harping on me for lying to her and confiding in this other girl about us. She says that of the two of us, I'm the only one who's lied and that's it's hypocritical and messed up that I lie, yet don't believe her. She goes on and on about how she doesn't like me this morning, and can't wait to go on her business trip next week to get away from me. She says she's angry, and that it'll pass, but right now she's furious. She says I put this other girl ahead of her and believed the rumor more than her. I'm apologetic, and say I'm sorry. So she's super upset this morning, and starts saying things like she wonders if I'm the right person for her and whatnot. We walk to our respective vehicles, and I start to leave without kissing her goodbye, then she complains, so I come back and kiss her, and we go our separate ways. But she calls right away, and we keep talking. She continues to go on and on about how I lied to her for a week, and how upset she is. I wonder if this is a smokescreen, if she's trying to turn the tables on me because she's guilty. She mentions that this other girl was telling me rumors about Gary and her, but I corrected her saying that I asked this other girl about it. This only upsets her more, because she said it indicated that i didn't trust her or believe her. I told her, that once this other girl found out about us, I decided to ask her advice on things, and Gary was one of those things.

 

On Friday, we're supposed to meet up for dinner with her Mom at her friends house. She's still mad at me for lying to her about when I told this other girl about us, and also for confiding in this other girl about our relationship. But we get there and I exchange a hug with her, but can tell she's still angry. We eat, I drink another beer, have another shot of fernet, and then we proceed to the backroom. Once there, we start listening to music, and drinking some more, and she cheers up. Two more of the host's friends come, a girl and her boyfriend. He brings weed, and starts rolling joints right there in front of my girlfriend's Mom. We chat a bit, and share the joint. I feel awkward smoking in front of my girlfriend's Mom but I didn't want to turn it down when it's obvious I smoke anyway. The music is playing, a couple people are dancing, and the host brings out some tequila. We have a shot, then another, and everyone's having a good time. The girl says she really likes me and my girlfriend together. She says I'm really good for her. And asks us to name something about the other that we love. I say that I love the way she talks, laughs, and carries a conversation. She says she loves that I make her coffee in the morning and am there for her. The girl says that it's so great that we can quickly name something that we love about the other, and encourages us to move in together. We say we are considering it down the line, but she insists we not wait. I think it's cool she's so approving of us. The music keeps playing, and the girl and her boyfriend move into the other room to eat some food. People are dancing, even me at times, as I'm drunk enough that my inhibitions are lessened. I'm drunk, high, and feeling good. It gets late, and we decide to leave. We get a cab and arrive back at her place around 2am. We go to sleep, and I'm psyched that we had another amazing time.

 

Saturday, we take her Mom to the airport and then my girlfriend and I prepare to take the train to the NHL game. It's a long ride, but fun, as it's another adventure for us. I sleep along the way, as does she. The game was cool. We drank a couple beers and had a blast. Then we hop on the train and head back to her place. Once there, we go to sleep. It was a great day.

 

Sunday, we decide to have a lazy day and go to Ikea, and look at furniture, sort of dreaming about moving in together. It's a nice day as we just lazily walk around and enjoy each others company. We head back to the city, eat a nice dinner, watch some TV, then go to sleep. It was another fun day, and it felt like our moving in together is inevitable, and may happen soon.

 

Monday, disaster strikes. We wake up, I'm bleery eyed as she attempts to show me an email from a co-worker talking about office politics at my company. My vision is blurry so I can't see it, so don't know what he said. She goes to take a shower. I decide I want to see what the office hubbub is get on her phone. Before I look at the email from the co-worker though, I see an email from this guy named Sean below it where the first part of the message mentions being naked in bed. I open it, and am horrified. I read it quickly as my heart and mind is racing, trying to absorb it all. In it they're flirting and talking about scheduling a time where they can meet up and she can repay him with sexual favors for doing her taxes. I'm mortified, hurt, and angry. How could she do this when I thought we were flying high? So many questions pop into my head, but more than that, I'm hurt and wish to leave. I'm supposed to take her to the airport though. I decide, I have to leave and quickly start packing my things up. She gets out of the shower and senses something is wrong. I tell her I got to leave, she asks why, I tell her I saw the emails between her and Sean on her phone. She's at first mad that I looked at her phone, then realizes what I saw. She begs me to stay, but sees that I'm distraught, and starts crying. She said they were just emails, that she really wasn't going to do anything, that she knew it was wrong though....I told her I didn't believe her, that I just had to get out of there. She asked if we were breaking up, I said maybe, I don't know. She was saying how she knew it was wrong to flirt with Sean, but said something like, she could say the same thing about me talking with this other girl at work. I told her, that's nonsense, and told her she was just trying to turn things around on me, then I started to leave, then she blocked the door and apologized. She blocks the door as I try to force my way by her. I'm careful not to hurt her, but am desperate to leave. She begs me to stay and asks that I at least take her to the airport. I take out some money and say for her to get a cab, but she blocks the door, and again pleads with me to stay. I say fine, I'll stay, and she gets dressed. I'm steaming though, and incredibly hurt. Once dressed, she pleads with me to give her a chance to explain, and we make our way down to my truck. I angrily throw my stuff in the pickup bed. She gets in, and I drive us away. I drive like a maniac, and refuse to engage her the whole drive in. She's in tears and trying to find someway to make amends or explain things. She said she even talked to her Mom about this guy Sean. Told her that she was flirting with him, and she said she asked her if that was cheating. Her Mom supposedly told her to stop it. And she claimed she was going to stop it, but hadn't had time to respond to his last email. I asked her how long this has been going on and she claimed that it was since I asked her about Gary. She said it bothered her I didn't trust her, and that's when she started talking with him, but that the flirting didn't start till he gave her her tax stuff, and claimed it was harmless. I'm not having any of it though. We arrive at the airport, and I grab her things, set them down, and say have a nice trip. She asks if she can have a hug, I say no, hop in my truck and speed away. She texts me later saying she loves me with all her hear, she's in tears, and threw up on herself. I don't answer. She boards her flight. I call in sick to work, and IM'ing the other girl at work venting my anger and telling her what happened. I'm a wreck, and decide maybe I can run my anxiety and sick feeling off. I run about 5 miles, but am not even tired. I could run 5 more no problem. The run doesn't help in the least though. My emotions are kind of coming in waves. One minute I'll be pissed, sad, the next I'll be kind of rational and relieved that things are done...just a rollercoaster of feelings. She calls me when she lands. She's still distraught, and I'm still angry. She has to go to her meeting, but she's in tears, and keeps claiming that as bad as it looks, she would never actually go through with it. I tell her she's full of crap, all of her talk about infidelity, and how it's a mortal sin that broke up her parents marriage, and here she was planning to do it with this guy who is also married. She asks what can she do. I tell her to send me the emails between her and Sean. She says she deleted them. I say I bet most of it is still in her Sent Items. She looks, and yes it's there. She sends it to me. As she sends it, she reads it, and realizes how bad it is. I get it and start reading it out loud to her. She cries and is distraught. She again says she would never actually do it. She says she'll send Sean an email saying she's breaking off all contact, and BCC's me on it. And sure enough, I receive it. It's short and to the point, she tells Sean their correspondence was inappropriate and she's ending all contact as she's in love with me. She says I can look at her emails if I want. And I say yes, I will. She gives me the password, and I log on and peruse her emails. I see she's cleaned things up a bit since the last time I looked in there. I tell her I see the nude emails to weed growing guy, as well as some other emails with her former boss. She requests that I delete the Sean emails she sent me previously, but I hesitate. She pleads with me saying that we'll never get past this if I don't do this. I say I do, but I don't. I want to keep them around because I want to figure out the timeline of when they were sent. She goes to her company dinner, and I decide I need to drink and go buy a bottle of Jameson. I drink half of it over the next few hours. She calls later, and I'm somewhat in a better mood. I'm a happy drunk. We chit-chat, keeping the conversation light, but there's awful tension in between us. We say goodnight to each other.

 

Tuesday morning, I wake up even more angry than before. I realize the order of events, and what we were doing when she sent these emails. It pisses me off more. She calls to say good morning, but runs into my angry mood. I tell her I just realized when these emails were sent. The first one was the Sunday after our amazing Saturday when her Mom first came to town, and was her telling Sean they need to talk about payment soon for him doing her taxes. I wasn't sure what she had in her mind at that point. But the next email was from him the Monday after telling her that he wondered if payment would ever come. Then she responded that same Monday saying that payment now depended on his ability to travel and ultimately his moral flexibility given his marriage. So, not only did this happen after we had an amazing weekend, she was the instigator of it. He responded almost surprised asking if she was flexible to tangle? She responded saying she couldn't wait for the rendezvous but her flexibility depends on the date, saying she had everything figured out. He responded on Tuesday saying he thought she was coming out later this month so he didn't understand what was stopping them from getting together then. She responded later Tuesday saying that she travels a lot for work, asking him to give her some dates to work with, implying that she'll eventually be swinging through his town or somewhere close by, but said I'd probably be with her on her trip scheduled later this month, so they'd worry about moral flexibility later. He responded asking why I was coming, saying she'd have more fun without me and saying they can discuss moral flexibility naked in bed. She responded Friday, the day after our argument at the concert, saying that she agreed they can discuss moral flexibility in bed, and then saying she wouldn't be coming out as soon as she thought, then mentioned how I was in her dog house because of our fight, and may not make it much longer as her boyfriend. He responded saying she should pick another date, and asking what was up with me. I don't have her response to that, as she deleted it when she got her phone back...She immediately becomes distraught again. I'm pissed and tell her to pull herself together and focus on work. She texts later saying that her boss just announced she was leaving, and that she was scared. I try to be comforting, but am still angry and putting distance between me and her. I get the feeling she thinks we're on better terms. But later, I drink the other half of the bottle of Jameson, and become distraught. I become more and more convinced I'll never be able to trust her, and that it is over. I decide I will end it tonight. She gets back from her company dinner and calls me, but I don't answer, she leaves me a voice mail telling me she just got back. I text her that it's over. She texts back saying that I'm better than a text, and calls me. I answer very drunk, and start belligerently yelling at her, telling her it's over, that she did this, it's her fault, that I went to some dark places, and wondered why she was with me in the first place, wondered if she used me for my money, or had been cheating on me this whole time. I think it angered her, and she started to respond. But I told her there's nothing she could do, that there was no coming back from this. Then I hung up on her. She tried to call back a couple of times, but I declined her calls. She texted that she accepted my decision but wanted to talk. I told her there's nothing to talk about, that relationships require trust, that I didn't trust her, and that therefore our relationship was over. I felt guilty about it afterward and regretted it. But then thought that maybe it was the right decision anyway, so I decided to sleep on it.

 

I woke up on Wednesday still regretting it. And since she didn't call or text, I decided to. I called her, she didn't answer, but I left a message saying that I was drunk and angry last night and lashed out. I told her I loved her and wanted to work things out, but that logically I can't trust her, so didn't know what to do. She eventually texted back saying she was super busy with her boss leaving and couldn't talk until later. I said ok. She never called though, instead she IM'd saying that she wanted to wait to talk in person when she got back because she just got back to being functional, and needed to survive the week. I told her ok. She said her Mom was sad, that she was doing some soul searching, and needed to do what is best for her. I told her i was an emotional wreck but that I did love her and wanted to try and work this out. She said she loved me too, that this was a huge test for us, and that ultimately the decision was hers whether to try to work this out or not. I was struck by that comment because I felt she was the one who wronged me, not the other way around, but I let it go.

 

She called on Thursday to say good morning right before jumping on her flight. She didn't call or text when she landed though. Instead I texted asking if she made it ok. She said she did but was on her way to work. She eventually called late Thursday, but was in a grumpy and demanding mood. She said we'd talk soon, but wanted to lay some ground rules. She didn't want to focus on the past, or details of who did what to who and when, but instead wanted to talk about how to fix this and move past it. I told her I didn't agree with that because if we are to fix it, we need to examine what the hell happened. She said that ultimately I'm just angry about emails, that she didn't do anything wrong besides flirting. I told her I didn't agree with that either, that my interpretation of those emails was of her planning to cheat. She disagreed, but we decided we'd let things alone until we talked in person. I was disappointed, and waited for her to say I love you before I did.

 

Friday, after work, I drove up to meet a friend for a side project. I texted her on the way up and asked if she was still good to talk tonight. She said she was still at work, tired, and grumpy, and it probably wouldn't be good to talk. I said we'd postpone it then, but that I had to work on Saturday, so probably couldn't talk then. she was a little thrown off by that, but understood.

 

Saturday morning, we talked a bit on the phone but kept things light, while I worked, or waited to work for the client. Things eventually wrapped up at 3pm, and I texted her telling her I was finished working. She called, asked if I wanted to meet today. I told her I hadn't eaten all day and was hungry. She said she was hungry too and asked if I would come up and we could go to dinner and talk afterward. I said ok, that we'd keep things light until after dinner. I drove up, and saw her for the first time in a week. I gave her a hug, and went into her place. It was a little awkward but we were cordial, and stuck to keeping things light. It was weird too, as the anger had left me, and now I was just sad, disappointed, and wondering what we were going to do. I had packed up all her things in a bag, and had it in my truck. I was approaching it like preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best. We had a bit of gallows humor as we joked about maybe never being able play out our sexual fantasies that we've discussed previously. Then we walked through the rain to dinner. Despite the circumstances, I was still talkative, and it was fun to walk down there together. We had a nice dinner, and enjoyed each others company. Then we got back to her place and got down to business. I let her start, and she explained that for her, things started going bad when I asked her about Gary and it was evident I didn't believe her. I listened quietly and wasn't angry at all. I think she anticipated me being angry and was kind of surprised that I didn't raise my voice. Instead I sat there, looking her in the eye, and waited to respond. She said I kept bringing it up over and over and she felt persecuted. When it was my turn, I told her that I had only asked her about it 3 times with the last being after I saw these emails, so really it was only brought up twice. I told her that yes, I had trouble believing her. She asked why that was, and I said it was probably because I'm a software developer and think things through logically, and there's some things she said that conflicted with her story. But more than that I conceded I might have trust or jealously issues. She asked why, and I said I didn't know, maybe it's due to low self-confidence. She asked why I didn't have confidence, and I said I didn't know. I told her that while that was a flaw of mine, I was aware of it, and have been trying to keep it under control the whole time we've been together. I told her that she is a very different animal from what I'm used to. That I'm from a small town, and most girls don't still talk with or hangout with ex-boyfriends like she does. That she's hypersocial, while I'm introverted, that she has a lot of male friends, while I always thought of platonic male-female relationships as being pretty rare. I told her I understood that was my flaw, but thought I did an admirable job of dealing with it, given who she is, and how many people, particularly guys she has in her life. Then I told her I wanted to talk about the emails. I told her that there is just no way anyone could read them and come away with any other conclusion than she was planning to cheat. She says she understood that, but that her Sean have known each other for 20 years. That they have a past, a sexual past from long ago, that he kept telling her he was going to marry her, but never did, and that they never did anything since he's been married to his current wife for the last several years. She says they've had ample time and opportunity to do so as well. She said they've gone to dinner together without his wife. This was all before we were together, but she said ultimately, neither of them could or would do it. She said, yes, they flirt, and joke around about it, but that ultimately she would never do it. She acknowledged the emails were wrong though. After some back and forth, she said ultimately we each need to make a decision. She said I need to decide whether I am going to try to trust her, forgiving her for the emails, overcoming my trust issues, and she needs to decide whether she wants to be with me knowing that I have this jealous streak. I told her that it's tough to get past these emails but that, yes, I'm willing to try. I told her that I make no guarantees that my jealous streak won't rear it's head, but that I would try to get over it, and would need her to help me. I said I forgive her for the emails. She said she needed some time to think about if she wanted to be with me. It was at this point that I sensed she had just put a big smokescreen up and had turned the tables on me without me realizing it. I had realized before hand that that was a possibility, yet I didn't see it happen until it was too late. I was almost in awe of how smoothly she had pulled it off. She said she needed some time to think. I called her bluff a bit and told her that if it was that tough of a decision, the easiest thing to do may be to just walk away. I told her, that it'd suck, but I'd get over it, she'd get over it, and eventually we'd meet other people, so if that was the easy thing to do maybe we should just do it. She said she wanted some time to think though. And that was that. We concluded the conversation, then she asked that I stay. So I did. We smoked out drank some beer, then she said she was horny, so we had sex.

 

Sunday, she awoke, and said she was kind of feeling weird, and still wondering what she should do. I got the feeling during the night that she really worked me during our discussion, but wasn't sure what to do about it. But since she gave me an opening, I again, said that maybe walking away was the right decision. I told her, I'd still care about her, and would be ok with that. I told her we'd both get over it. Then we joked around a little. Then I told her, look, we've been together 9 months, and 99% of the time it's been great, that if it was over, I'd remember the good times, the trips we took, some of the hilarious things we experienced together etc. I think it caught her off guard that I was so willing to just let things go. Then we had sex again. We were affectionate to each other all day, and we joked around that this was the best breakup ever. I mean look at us, we're having fun joking around, having sex, and not an angry word was said. We slept and made plans for Monday.

 

On Monday, I tell her this weekend's been a lot to process and that we should take some time off, she seems a little disappointed but agrees, and that's what we do.

 

Tuesday, she tells me she can't wait for me to come up and says she's horny and wants me bad. Once I get there though, she changes her tune, and is a little standoff-ish. She goes on to mention how she talked with her old boss (the one who came on to her) about us, which I thought was strange, and then mentioned how she's getting low on weed and may need to make another trip to the weed-growing guy's place. I'm caught off guard, wondering if she's testing me, trying to gauge my reaction or something. I just ignore it, and we just hang out and have fun. The next morning she's grumpy and again tries to give me crap for lying to her about confiding in the other girl. But I again say if she can't get over it, we should just end things. She calms down, and she calls me later in the day to say she's in a better mood.

 

A couple weeks have gone by since, and things seemed to be ok. But then just this last week her friend Tina came up to visit. Tina had requested I give them some time to do some things alone, so I said no problem. I wondered what they might do, and know Tina is looking to hookup while she's up here, but do my best to just let things go. My girlfriend requests that I come up the first night (April 11th) she's here though, so the 3 of us can go out and have fun. I say ok and meet up at her place. Things are fine, but then she mentions that the weed-growing guy is coming over on Saturday to drop off a nice shipment for her. I'm bothered a little by this as I'm not supposed to be around that day, and wonder if that's how she planned it. Then later her phone announces it received a text message, and I just glance at it from a few feet away and see it's some guy named Stephen saying "Hey, what are you doing tonight? You free?". It sort of ruins my mood. She sees that I saw the text and tries to explain it away

as more of a professional friend who exchanges work ideas with her and just wants to catch-up. I'm unconvinced but try not to let my sour mood show. We go out for the night, and try to have fun, but I'm kind of quiet and subdued throughout. I head home after, and then let the two of them have a boyfriend-free couple of days.

On Friday, she gets sick though, and is bedridden for the next day and half, including Saturday, the day that the weed-growing guy was supposed to come over. I was supposed to go up on Sunday, after Tina left, so we could pick up on our normal routine, but she says she's still recovering. She says that she's getting her nails done and then taking a nap, and will call me after and let me know if she wants me to come up. She calls after her nails are done but says she can't sleep. I don't want to ask about the weed-growing guy, but instead ask if she received a new shipment. She says the weed-growing guy is supposed to come by around 3:30...I'm kind of surprised to hear this as he was supposed to be there yesterday, when I wasn't around, and now it seems like she's going to meet him again alone, after requesting that I hold off on coming up. Later she calls and says she wants me to come up. I ask if the shipment has arrived, she says yes, that the guy literally pulled up to her place, handed her a bag, then got back in his car and drove away. I'm somewhat relieved to hear this, but not sure I believe her totally.

 

Jump forward to Tuesday (April 17th). We're hanging out, having dinner, I'm to drive her to the airport in a bit. The weed-growing guy texts her, kind of joking around. She shows me the text, as well as her response, but I notice those are the only 2 texts between the two of them on her phone. I know for a fact that they texted each other much more frequently over the last several days so I can only conclude that she deleted the old texts, and I wonder why. Later, she looks at her missed calls, says her friend Megan called, and looks like she is going to call back, but then stops, says she needs to use the bathroom, puts her phone in her purse and takes it with her to the bathroom. I tried to remember if she usually takes her purse with her to the bathroom or not, I kind of don't think she does, so I wonder if she's making a private call from inside the women's room. I think that's weird though because in a couple of hours she'll be alone in the airport, free to call whoever she wants, away from my ears, so what's the point of doing it now. An hour later, we're having a beer in a bar, and she again says she needs to use the restroom, and again takes her purse, so who knows. I should mention that I'm stoned throuout this entire night, more so than usual, and somewhat paranoid. So maybe this was nothing, I don't know.

 

Anyhoo...I'm wondering why I'm with her still...For whatever reason, I can't seem to do the obvious thing and end it with her. I know she's no good for me, and this thing will never work. Yet, I'm still here and can't seem to pull the trigger. I think I still love her, or I'm scared to go back to a life with out her. God this sucks.