Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[Donovan79]

If you try to remain friends, pay attention to how grey that line is. Coming over to watch movies... maybe then having sex... then her dating a guy, which is okay, because you're now "friends"... and then movies and wondering if there will be sex... you see where this goes...

[diamond78]

It's hard, but you did the right thing with ending the relationship. You would never have a peace of mind, especially after the last discovery with the tax guy.

 

Based on your girlfriend's reaction, I think she is actually relieved it is over as things were a bit up and down and tense lately with the majority of it falling on her shoulders.

 

And I agree with being friends too soon...It can get really muddy, confusing, and messy.

[trustno1]

REally read this part that you wrote : This guy grows weed, and it sounded like she wanted a day to just smoke out and enjoy the isolation of where this guy lives. I said it troubled me that she was going to visit this guy alone in the middle of no where, as I didn't know him. She tried to reassure me and said he was harmless and not a threat to me or us. So she went,

 

Don't be fooled.....you need another girl that you know won't keep emails like that around....you don't think shes not revisiting those emails when she is not feeling you or needs a getaway......women are way more secretive and do more dirt than men nowadays......trustno1....unless they show and prove they can be trusted time and time again.

[mrjoeblow78]

So just a quick status update:

 

Haven't talked with her since our pretty upbeat conversation yesterday about being friends, but she IM'd me at work late today, sort of unexpectedly. I was actually feeling ok about things today, and was just concentrated on work. The following is a rough transcript:

 

She says:

-hi

I says:

-Hi

She says:

-I know I'm not suppose to bug you

I says:

-No worries, please do, I like talking with you

She says:

-me too

-today I've gone thru sad to mad

I says:

-oh no, about us?

She says:

-yeah

I says:

-I'm sorry to hear that

She says:

-its the change process

-how are you doing

I says:

-I know, I'm struggling my way through it

-Sometimes I feel sick, sometimes I think it was best, I don't know, I'm still kind of processing everything

She says:

-me too

-same thing

I says:

-it sucks

She says:

-it does

-with time everything will become clear

I says:

-yeah, hopefully.

She says:

-I haven't said anything to Johnny, he may or may not have gotten wind of it

-but I'm not worried

-I don't want to interfere with your project

-so just carry on and let me know if you need any help

I says:

-He texted a little bit ago asking about server stuff, we're still meeting tomorrow

She says:

-cool

-I'll probably be here in the office working on my webinar

-that's my top priority

-and its keeping me very busy

I says:

-ok, cool, that's one thing I think both of us need to do, stay busy

She says:

-yes

I says:

-I'm trying not to think about things, but it's hard not too

She says:

-I thought it best if I don't call you until after I get back from Seattle, unless of course you need me

-let me know what you need

I says:

-Ok, cool. I wasn't sure if you still needed a ride to the airport, not sure if that's a good idea either, but I'd gladly do that for you.

She says:

-I don't know what to do, it's normally so easy to break up- I really don't hate you or have any anger towards you- so I'm kind of confused

-I'm going to BART from the office to the airport or something like that

I says:

-Ok, let me know if things change and you need me. I don't hate you either, it's strange, I meant what I said in the text yesterday. I wish you nothing but happiness

She says:

-I feel exactly the same way

She says:

-and if you freak out and don't want to call me, you can call Janet, Lori or Gina at any time

I says:

-lol, thanks, but I won't have a problem calling you. I think we're handling this pretty well, and don't see why that can't continue.

She says:

-agree

I says:

-Same thing goes the other way too. I know you have a large network of friends to talk with, but I'm here too.

 

 

So, I think things are ok, and we're working through it, and remaining on good terms.

[Donovan79]

You're handling it well, man, but frankly being way too giving of yourself. Don't give her an support, or car rides, or information that you're having such a sad time. You did such a good job cutting her off and she's throwing you breadcrumbs now and yet still come off as pining for her. Despite all she did, "I know you have a large network of friends to talk with, but I'm here too." Really??

[Dusk Till Dawn]

I think you both haven't come to terms that it is over maybe there is some slight denial on the inside.

 

To be honest its too soon to be friends with someone who you have love feelings for, you need to break away completely and have NC for a duration if you really want to have a platonic friendship in the future, if you see each other before you get over your current feelings for the other, you will probably end up in bed together and all that will do is screw with your mind.

 

I dont think she is worthy of you, and if you remain in her life she is getting the best of both worlds, going out playing around and having you to call for support attention whatever.

 

Good luck and be careful

[pl3asehelp]

You're handling it well, man, but frankly being way too giving of yourself. Don't give her an support, or car rides, or information that you're having such a sad time. You did such a good job cutting her off and she's throwing you breadcrumbs now and yet still come off as pining for her. Despite all she did, "I know you have a large network of friends to talk with, but I'm here too." Really??

 

Agreed. If you really want to be friends, wait at least 6 months and don't have any contact at all during that time period. Trust me, by the end, you will not want to be friends.

 

And all those 'grumpy' mornings she has have a name - hangovers.

[mrjoeblow78]

I think you both haven't come to terms that it is over maybe there is some slight denial on the inside.

 

To be honest its too soon to be friends with someone who you have love feelings for, you need to break away completely and have NC for a duration if you really want to have a platonic friendship in the future, if you see each other before you get over your current feelings for the other, you will probably end up in bed together and all that will do is screw with your mind.

 

I dont think she is worthy of you, and if you remain in her life she is getting the best of both worlds, going out playing around and having you to call for support attention whatever.

 

Good luck and be careful

 

I think you are right. It's still way early, but we're slowly adjusting. I haven't seen her since it happened on Sunday morning (it's late Wednesday now). She's going on a trip till Sunday, so I won't see her at least till then. I texted her yesterday, wishing her luck on a presentation she had to make, but I'm ashamed to admit that she called me later after I had been drinking, and I told her I was missing her and still loved her. She said she loved me too, but then we talked about how we're better off being friends. I woke up this morning kind of angry, remembering why I broke up with her, and disappointed that I said what I said the night before. I've been getting advice from the other girl at work, and she keeps trying to get me to hold back and not contact her. For the most part, I haven't, she always calls me, or IM's me, I've only sent the odd text here and there and kept things pretty above board. I've shown this other girl at work our exchanges though and she says she thinks my ex probably thinks she can get me back. This other girl has been making the whole situation easier to handle though, as we're able to joke around and laugh at the whole thing. My emotions still kind of flip-flop every now and then, but at least right now, I have no desire to get back with her.

[Donovan79]

Your ex definitely thinks you're putty in her hands. Try to go seven days with no response, no exceptions. Then make that fourteen.

[Miss Firecracker]

She just put another notch in her belt.

 

You are in a game that no one wins.

[camus154]

She just put another notch in her belt.

 

You are in a game that no one wins.

 

That's not true. She's been the "winner" all along.

[Miss Firecracker]

That's not true. She's been the "winner" all along.

 

Yes, for now...until her boobs and a few other things begin to sag. Her day is right around the corner. It will arrive much sooner than she thinks.

[Miss Firecracker]

Ever see a hard core party girl 15 years later? Scary stuff.

[camus154]

Ever see a hard core party girl 15 years later? Scary stuff.

 

Haha, so true

[pl3asehelp]

Yes, for now...until her boobs and a few other things begin to sag. Her day is right around the corner. It will arrive much sooner than she thinks.

 

mm hmmmmmmmmmmm

[mrjoeblow78]

lol, you guys are funny. But this girl's been partying like this or worse (better?) since her early 20's and still looks great. That's around 16 years of pretty heavy partying. She said she was really on the party train in her early to mid-20's and I believe it.

 

It's funny, I remember we ran into someone about month or two ago at a bar that knew her before we started dating. We sat down with this person and had some drinks and were just listening to the band play. Then this girl just kind of abruptly says to my then girlfriend, "I got to say, you've really changed since you two have been dating. Before you'd be out on the dance floor going a little crazy, now you seem much more mellow and normal." I got the sense that this person didn't necessarily like my ex-girlfriend in the past, but we've hung out with her a few times and they seem to be on good terms now.

 

Over the course of our relationship, several people have said something similar. A few have pulled me aside and said that they were glad I was treating her well and that she seemed much much happier.

 

I've seen glimpses of this other side of her on occasion, and I found it very off-putting, like she was trying too hard to be the center of attention. I'm just so not like that, that I was almost embarrassed for her. Fortunately, that side of her only came out a handful of times.

 

But yeah, these were all signs that she was probably bad news.

[Donovan79]

Issues, man. I had the same experience, over a dozen people telling me or my recent ex independently that they've never seen her so happy. Doesn't mean she won't continue to be self-destructive until everything around her is in shambles... or that you should stick around for it.

[pl3asehelp]

It's not necessarily the partying that's going to undo her, it's her age combined with the fact that her entire life has been based around her looks and attention from men and that rug is going to be pulled out from under her very soon. I will bet you anything this chick commits suicide sometime over the next 10 years when she realizes how badly she has screwed up her life and that she can never go back and fix it. Or she could end up like my mother in law, who was just like her when she was young, and basically turn into a depressed walking skeleton subsiding on cigarettes and coffee.

[mrjoeblow78]

It's not necessarily the partying that's going to undo her, it's her age combined with the fact that her entire life has been based around her looks and attention from men and that rug is going to be pulled out from under her very soon. I will bet you anything this chick commits suicide sometime over the next 10 years when she realizes how badly she has screwed up her life and that she can never go back and fix it. Or she could end up like my mother in law, who was just like her when she was young, and basically turn into a depressed walking skeleton subsiding on cigarettes and coffee.

 

You know, I think you're off target with the suicide, but you may be spot on with the depressed chain-smoking coffee drinker. She used to be a model when she was in her early 20's, and she does have an arrogant streak in her concerning her looks. I mean, I think she's attractive, but I get the sense that she wishes she commanded attention the way she used to. We some times spent time visiting her aunt, and her aunt is exactly as you describe. She lives alone, smokes cigarettes, and just seems like a very bitter and unhappy person. I could totally see my ex winding up like that some day.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

lol, you guys are funny. But this girl's been partying like this or worse (better?) since her early 20's and still looks great. That's around 16 years of pretty heavy partying. She said she was really on the party train in her early to mid-20's and I believe it.

 

Wow by how you have spoken about her and how immature she sounds. I thought she was maybe in her early twenties. Not 36 She really needs to grow up and stop trying to re-live her youth. In 4 years she is gonna be 40 she should start acting her age and soon, otherwise she is gonna end up a lonely old woman, who will live with a hell of a lot regret!

[mrjoeblow78]

Well, supposed to pick her up from the airport today (in about 4 or 5 hours). Not sure what how that's going to go. I think the plan is to just drop her off at her car, which is parked by her work, but wonder if she expects us to hang out or something. To be honest, I think picking her up is a bad idea and wish I didn't commit to it. On the other hand, I'm going to pack up her things from my place and bring them with me so I can give them to her when I drop her off somewhere. We haven't talked on the phone since Wednesday night, right before she got on her plane, and hadn't texted each other since she did so to tell me she arrived safely saying "I made it! Good night, see you Sunday.". Though yesterday, we sent a couple of texts kind of joking around. I've been in a kind of angrier mood in the last day or so, as I remember all the suspicious things that drove me to break up with her. We'll see what happens...

[DN]

Well, it's a bit late to cancel now but if I were you I would not hang out with her. Good idea to bring her things so you don't have to see her again after today.

[FreedomRing]

Another vote for not hanging. Just pick her up and return her to her car. She's quite the manipulator, and you're quite the pushover(at least when it concerns her) so take a stand..get your balls back and put your foot down. This relationship has been unhealthy for a LONG time, and you both know it.

[mrjoeblow78]

Well shoot, she called me from the airport, asked if I'd still be able to pick her up. I said I would. Then she said she was buying me a t-shirt and looked forward to seeing me. A little while later she called from the plane, and asked if I would like to have dinner with her when she got back. I said sure. So we'll see how this goes. Should be a decent test of our new friendship.

[Donovan79]

Man, she is manipulating the living s#%& out of you. She's going to get you to be friends and then occasionally want sex and you're going to continue to give her all the attention and support and airport drives she wants while she screws around at every stop. Where in this plan of yours are you sticking in the part about "healing and moving on to find someone else who doesn't play games and loves you back"?