Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[lalalollipops]

And you're not being the 'good guy' or the 'bad guy'

You're just being a doormat with a big fat sign saying "walk all over me."

[journeynow]

The smart thing to do would be to just ignore her, but that requires a degree of....I don't know, meanness? (not sure if that's the right word), that I'd feel guilty about.

 

She called this morning and left a message when I was in the shower again, and apologized for being distracted during our last talk.

 

I'm going to try to let things go, but if she calls again, what do I do? Ignore it? Hit decline? Pretend I never got it? As weird as it sounds, I don't hate her, and don't want her to hate me, it's just, we don't belong together, and talking and whatnot is going to make it that much harder to move on to someone else.

 

I understand! It doesn't feel right to act cold hearted to someone you've had a heart connection with.

 

I'm of the Ex's Can Be Friends camp (for some cases), but you have to disengage first, and going No Contact for a good length of time is a good way to do it.

 

That said, the friendship with my ex is limited. We went through a spell of NC, and now have limited contact. We're not close, but we talk occasionally to chat, less frequently meet for lunch, but we don't discuss feelings or relationships or our past, and if either of us were to get involved in new relationships we'd probably step back more, not because we have a romantic interest in each other at this stage, but out of respect for the new partner and to avoid complications. We were married for 32 years, raised sons, his family became my family, etc. so completely cutting each other out of our lives, at this point, seems uncalled for. We may drift apart completely over time, but we'll still connect around our kids.

 

If she calls, tell her you need to NOT have contact for awhile. Say "Please don't call. It might not be forever, but it's what best right now." If she calls again, and she might, don't answer. Keep not answering, or pick up one more time and say "I really need you to not call me" Or just "Don't call."

[lalalollipops]

Nah I wouldn't even tell her not to call ya. Some people see that as you still giving a shiz cos you actually bothered to pick up the phone at all. It's all about ego boosts. I'd just straight up ignore and not ever pick up her calls.

[mrjoeblow78]

Update...

 

Well, after going 1 month without talking/texting/IM'ing, we've been chatting more recently. We've actually talked daily for the last 6 days (I know...I know...I'm . It started last Sunday. The friend I'm working on a side project with is also a friend of hers, and he and her got together to discuss it, and she was calling to let me know how it went. We chatted a little and threw around the idea of getting together sometime to catchup. Monday morning she called, unexpectedly, and we just chit-chatted a little, and made tentative plans to meetup possibly on Friday or over the weekend. Tuesday morning, she sent a text, wanting to make sure what the plan was, saying she felt stupid for being the one to call me all the time. So I called her back, and said Friday worked for me, so we agreed to meetup on Friday. I also told her I'd give her a call on Thursday, to make sure we were still on. Wednesday evening, she called me again, unexpectedly, saying that she forgot she had a hair appointment late Friday, and asked to meetup on Saturday instead. I said sure, and that I'd still call her on Thursday to make sure the plan was still on. So I called her Thursday evening, and yep, we were still on, so I said I'd see her on Saturday. Friday morning, she called again, to tell me about the shooting in Aurora, since she knew I had relatives there, and we chatted a bit, and confirmed that we were still set to meet up on Saturday. So here we are on Saturday, and we met for brunch, and hung out a bit. I also brought up her things from my place, and exchanged them for my things that were at her place. We got along pretty well, and it wasn't as awkward as I feared it might be. I gotta admit, she looked fantastic though, and even now, thinking about her, I do miss her. I'm such a .

 

So, I don't know when we'll see each other again, but I'm fairly sure we will at some point. Tomorrow, I'm set to meet another girl from eharmony, so I hope that goes well. I went on a couple dates with a different girl from eharmony about 3 weeks ago, prior to my family trip. The first date went pretty well, we met for after-work drinks, and drank, talked, and laughed for a 3 hours. We hugged at the end, and she seemed to genuinely have had a good time, as did I, and we exchanged numbers and said we'd do it again sometime. The second date was more formal though, a sit-down dinner at a trendy restaurant, and while it wasn't bad, we didn't click as well as we did on the first date. We hugged afterward, and I asked if she was up for a 3rd date sometime, and she said she was. But then I was scheduled to go on a 10 day family vacation. So from that 2nd date, until I finally texted her after I got back, we hadn't talked or texted almost 3 weeks. I thought too much time had passed, and since the 2nd date wasn't great, she probably wouldn't respond. But she responded a day later saying she was off to LA, but we would connect when she got back. That was a week ago, so who knows if I'll hear from her again.

 

I don't know, I really want to find someone who will make me truly be able to move on, but it's tough. Dating can be fun, but it's also an ordeal to go through, and nerve-racking. But seeing my ex, just hanging out with her, made me really want to go back to what we had during the good times. I mean, not even with her really, but maybe someone else. I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me, without any of the crap, and be happy together.

 

So anyway, we'll see how this eharmony date goes tomorrow.

[PaintWithLight]

You keep the vibe alive. Just walk away from her. These chats with her are not being a good guy, you still want to be with her. You need to be honest with yourself. There is a lot of brave talk about moving on but you seem stuck. Why?

[mrjoeblow78]

You keep the vibe alive. Just walk away from her. These chats with her are not being a good guy, you still want to be with her. You need to be honest with yourself. There is a lot of brave talk about moving on but you seem stuck. Why?

 

I don't know what I'm doing, I think that's obvious, lol. I loved her, you know. And it's weird to be that close to someone and then be like, "Well, have a nice life, goodbye." I mean, transitioning to friends seems like the correct course of action, but maybe it's too soon, or maybe it's not possible. But people do it, right? So why can't we? Then again, you may be right, maybe deep down I want to be back with her, and I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'll be fine being friends....

 

Anywhoo....went on the date with the eharmony girl last night, and had a blast. She was cool, and we seemed to get along pretty good, and spent most of the time laughing. I'll definitely be seeing her again.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't know what I'm doing, I think that's obvious, lol. I loved her, you know. And it's weird to be that close to someone and then be like, "Well, have a nice life, goodbye." I mean, transitioning to friends seems like the correct course of action, but maybe it's too soon, or maybe it's not possible. But people do it, right? So why can't we? Then again, you may be right, maybe deep down I want to be back with her, and I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'll be fine being friends....

 

Anywhoo....went on the date with the eharmony girl last night, and had a blast. She was cool, and we seemed to get along pretty good, and spent most of the time laughing. I'll definitely be seeing her again.

 

Transitioning to friends should only be something you do if you have kids together. Otherwise, cut ties man.

[mrjoeblow78]

Update....

 

A few things happened recently. As said previously, we met up on Saturday, then on Sunday she called and said she was cleaning and found a gift card to a restaurant that was only near me, and suggested we use it when she comes over one night. I was sort of caught off guard, but said I'd be cool with it. Then I didn't hear from her on Monday. On Tuesday, I thought it was my turn to call, so I did, and left a "good morning" message. She called back in tears saying she felt awful, her body ached, she had a headache, she hated work, and was staying home for the day. I said I was sorry to hear that, and that I'd call to check in on her later. So I called her at lunch, asked how she was doing, she was eating lunch though, but said she was feeling better. I said cool, and let her get back to her lunch. Didn't hear from her Wednesday or Thursday, and started getting concerned, so I texted her on Friday asking how she was doing. She texted back saying she had a kidney infection and was just resting and taking antibiotics. I was surprised that she never called me though to let me know how she was doing, so I sort of read between the lines that maybe she didn't want to talk to me. I texted back saying I hope she felt better and to call me if she needed something. That was on Friday, and I decided to leave it in her court to contact me again, she hasn't.

 

Meanwhile I had another scheduled date for Saturday (today...err, yesterday) with a girl from eHarmony. We met up, hung out had fun. Then we went to a couple bars and drank and joked around. It started to get late, so we decided to leave. I went to give her a hug, and she said, "so that's it for today?", sort of indicating that she didn't want it to end. So I said she could come back to my place and hang out if she wanted. She said she did. So we went back to my place, hung out a bit, then boom, we're having sex. So she just left a second ago, and I'm sort of just happy with how things went and enjoying the moment, and felt the need to share....so there you go.

[Donovan79]

Haha, awesome Joe. Glad you're having fun. Try to put the ex out of your mind if you can (I know I'm a hypocrite for saying this), and just enjoy the eHarm girl. She sounds like fun.

[mrjoeblow78]

Nother update....sorry if I'm boring everyone....

 

Just spent a nice weekend with the girl from eharmony. We went to a movie on Friday night, then I spent the night at her place, and we went on a little road trip on Saturday, and had a fun day together. I stayed at her place again on Saturday night, and then we parted ways mid-way through Sunday as we both had to work a bit over the weekend. She's set to come over to my place tomorrow and hang out. So things seem pretty good on that front.

 

My ex and I still communicate every now and then though. I talked to her on the phone last Thursday, just catching up on what's new in each other's lives, but we purposely avoid any talk of new relationships. We exchange kind of quick texts every few days or so too, just very brief chit-chat stuff.

 

That's all for now.

[Aarya]

I'm sorry I've read only the beginning and end of the thread, so I may have missed something. Do you want her back? Why are you hanging on?

[Donovan79]

Joe, from experience I can both understand why you still talk to your ex, but also caution that if you don't want her back and want to make it work with someone new, it's a bad idea to stay in touch with the ex or keep momentos around or stay in touch with her on FB or any other way. You may *feel* like you're "just being friends", but I guarantee you that contact is suppressing your ability to form feelings for any new girl. If you want the ex back, figure out how. If you want to try it out with a new girl, cut the ex off. It's the only way.

[HesitantNow]

Joe, from experience I can both understand why you still talk to your ex, but also caution that if you don't want her back and want to make it work with someone new, it's a bad idea to stay in touch with the ex or keep momentos around or stay in touch with her on FB or any other way. You may *feel* like you're "just being friends", but I guarantee you that contact is suppressing your ability to form feelings for any new girl. If you want the ex back, figure out how. If you want to try it out with a new girl, cut the ex off. It's the only way.

 

Pure truth here. You're not only harming your chances of moving on from the ex, you are also leading on another woman who might be looking for a real relationship. As this thread has shown, you need to move on from the ex unless you want your life to be endless drama and headaches. End that and give the new woman a chance. Just walk away.

[mrjoeblow78]

Ok, it's been over a month (woah, that's crazy now that I think about it) since my last post, but here's another update:

 

Still seeing the girl from eharmony (still amazed it's been more than a month). We've spent every weekend together doing various things and have already had lots of adventures, and lots of sex We had a drunken, but sincere, conversation two or so weeks ago where we came to an agreement we would be a couple. Things seem to be going well on that front. The only downside is that we don't see each other much during the week, as we each have things going on alternating days through the week.

 

My ex and I still play words with friends, and we talk probably once every 10 days or so. This week she called, and we chatted a bit about Labor Day weekend, she said she was thinking about how last Labor Day we went on a trip together. I said I thought about that too, but we mostly kept things light and just chit-chatted a bit for 10 mins or so.

 

So now here's the thing that's weird. A co-worker, actually my project manager, is throwing "Thank you"/house-warming party this Friday for a lot of us who've been working really hard the last couple of months. He lives literally a couple of blocks away, and I've been to parties at this guy's house before and a lot of drinking goes down, and I usually wind up pretty hammered. Anyway, it's an unofficial company event, but it's sort of expected of you to go, they're fun too, so it's not like I don't want to go. I told my new girlfriend about it a while back, and she was cool with it. But....a couple days ago I learned from another co-worker that my ex was invited and said she was coming.

 

I'm a little surprised that my ex never told me she was coming....so I'm trying to figure out what to do. I could go anyway, and just try to have fun, although it'll be weird seeing her, and really weird seeing her in a room full of other co-workers who never knew we were together. I could go, but leave early, hopefully before she arrives, just say I got plans or something. Or, I could just not go. The thing is, if I avoid her, is that sort of a bad thing, where I'm giving her too much importance? Or is it best to just not go, not have to go through whatever awkwardness would occur, and just try to keep her out of my mind? I don't know, I really don't feel like seeing her, so I'm thinking I'll go but leave early. And like I said, the guy lives a couple of blocks away, so I'll need to be somewhere else, as I don't want my ex to drop by or something.

[Klokwurk]

If you dont feel like seeing her, and I understand why, do not go to the party at all. It is OK to miss parties.

 

Dont go, make your current gf feel safe and happy, and boom, peace and security.

[Donovan79]

I dunno, I'm in the same situation right now, sorta, but taking the opposite approach.

 

So I got back with Ella, the girl who screwed me over in the spring, and honestly it's pretty great. She's changed massively, clearly really wants to make this work, and so far I have no reason not to doubt her. She's so happy and flirty and adoring and focused on the relationship, it's just a joy to be around. So, cool. But last summer (2011) before I met her, I was dating Anna, a friend/housemate/coworker (all the same person) all summer, and broke it off when I realized she made a bad girlfriend but better friend, and started dating Ella.

 

Now, Anna still tried to get me back despite me making it clear that it was over, and I had to stop her because I was seeing Ella, who she'd met previously and hated. We stopped being friends after that, which was understandable, but I still missed her as she'd been a great friend before we got together.

 

Fast forward to April 2012, I've just started a new full-time job at the same place I interned last summer, and so is Anna. Ella and I have split up. So Anna and I rarely talk -- she clearly finds it awkward around me, which is understandable, but we get a coffee a few times and eventually we get to be friends again. In the meantime Ella and I work our crap out and get back together. And I'm a little concerned because Anna is friends with all my friends, and yet I'm with Ella, so clearly at some point I'm going to get invited out in a group that Anna's included in, and I'm going to want to bring Ella, and it's gonna be pretty awkward.

 

Solution? Turns out it's always the same one: honesty.

 

Last weekend I'm spending the weekend with Ella and a friend invites me out into a group that Anna's in. I tell Ella "ha-ha, we could do that but I don't want it to be awkward so let's not". Guess the reaction. Of course: annoyance. Ella didn't get why, if Anna and I are now "just friends", there was any awkwardness. I tried to explain that the awkwardness was more around Anna seeing me with Ella again, but then realized she was right, it shouldn't matter.

 

In two weeks my two roommates and I are having a ton of people over for our new place's housewarming, and Anna and Ella would both be there. So Monday I sat down with Anna on a break over coffee, and said hey, we never had this talk and I want to just be fast, but two things: 1) you need to know that you're one of my favorite people in the world, and I so hope we can stay being good friends, and 2) I'm seeing Ella again and hope that's not an issue.

 

She reacted so well I was ashamed I ever thought she'd have an issue. "Of course I'm okay with it! Is it good? I'm just really happy for you." She said she was excited about the party and asked what to bring. I told Ella about the conversation and she was happy it was all good as well.

 

Moral of the story: tell them both everything. Tell your ex that you really hope you can be friends, but you're excited about New Girl and hope she's okay with it. Likewise, tell New Girl about ex, and how you were thinking about avoiding the party but realized that would be stupid as nothing's going on with her, and really want to take her.

 

You avoid bad situations or lie to anyone, you're going to maybe screw up a good thing. Be honest with both and then be a man and make New Girl happy.

[mrjoeblow78]

Alright, another month down since the last update.

 

So the party thrown by a co-worker turned out to be not a problem because I got sick and was forced to miss it. My ex called me anyway to see if I was going, but I told her I was sick, and she eventually decided not to go after all. She called to check up on me a couple times to see how I was doing, which was nice of her....I think.

 

So I'm still seeing the eharmony girl. We've got a nice routine down where we spend our weekends together, and usually spend a weeknight together as well. We've done a hell of a lot together over the last few months, and shared many fun adventures. So things are pretty good on that front. The one thing that's kind of weird is that we've been "together" for almost 3 months, but we have yet to tell each other that we love one another. I think she's waiting for me to be the one to say it. But for some reason I'm reluctant to say it. I think I just want to avoid becoming too attached or something.

 

My ex and I still play words with friends and even talk on the phone once a week or every other week. It's a little weird because we generally don't talk about our relationships, and I haven't told her about my new girlfriend, and I don't want to hear about her relationships. She sort of acts like she's not seeing anyone, but I assume she is and don't inquire about it. There's the occasional reminiscing about what we did when we were together, but I try to not dwell on that for long.

 

My new girlfriend knows that I came out of a relationship where I broke up with my ex because I thought she cheated on me, but doesn't know that we still talk on the phone on occasion, and I feel a little guilty for keeping that from her.

 

Anyway, that's the state of things at the moment....

[becomingkate]

My new girlfriend knows that I came out of a relationship where I broke up with my ex because I thought she cheated on me, but doesn't know that we still talk on the phone on occasion, and I feel a little guilty for keeping that from her.

 

I think that if you want things to work out with the new girl, you should be very honest about other women, because that's what you expect from her.

[Skrylzz]

Goodness there was a lot more to this thread than I thought when I first replied.

[pl3asehelp]

I think that if you want things to work out with the new girl, you should be very honest about other women, because that's what you expect from her.

 

Agreed. You're just doing to the new girl what that trainwreck did to you. Don't let your experience with her drag you down and turn you into someone like her.

[mrjoeblow78]

Hi, long time no update (last update prior to this one was in Oct 11, 2012, and here we are in March of 2013, wow). Things have been good. I'm still with my "new" girlfriend, the eharmony girl, going on 6 months now, actually almost 7. We've done so much together, it's really kind of crazy. Not too long after my previous update, I told her I love her (and I do), and she replied in kind. Now we regularly tell each other that, probably multiple times a day.

 

Last time I talked with my ex was probably just after Christmas. She called me every couple of weeks through November, and I finally told her I have a new girlfriend during one of those calls. She was actually kind of snooty when the call started, giving me a little attitude for never being the one to call her, but once I told her about my new girlfiend, her attitude kind of changed and she said she was happy for me. The calls became a little less frequent after that. And the last time she called me after Christmas was to ask if I could pick her up from the airport cause her ride bailed on her. She had just lost her job a week or two before and seemed in a emotional state and on the verge of tears. However, I had already made plans to go over to my girlfriend's house, so told her I could make it. Since then we exchanged a couple of texts in January, mostly her asking me to help fix her computer, and me telling her I was too busy (I really was very busy, but I also just didn't want to see her). We stopped playing our scrabble games back in January, so there's been absolutely no contact at all since January, and I'm glad for it.

 

Like I said, things have been great with my new girlfriend. Almost too great really...at the risk of over-analyzing things, we have yet to have a fight or argument. That seems strange to me considering it's been 6, almost 7, months, and we usually spend about 4 or 5 days per week together. We've also gone on trips where we spent every moment together for 4-5 days, yet still no arguments. We're both pretty mellow people though, and do our best to adapt to whatever situation comes up. There's been a couple of times where it seemed like an argument was brewing, but it never reached that level.

 

So there you go, that's the update.

[Iggles]

OP, glad to hear things are going well with your new girlfriend!

 

For your sake, I hope she doesn't snoop and discover this thread. She may be hurt to read you thought she was too much of "goody good" for not smoking/drinking and that you didn't think you had much in common. I'm assuming as its 7 months later, you discovered you two clicked after all. That's good that you were able to move on.

 

As for the Ex, leave her in the past. I would not advise reaching out her again (even for Words With Friends or Scrabble). If she contacts you either ignore or send a curt reply. That's it. No open ended questions or catching up. No going to get coffee or drinks. You mentioned your current girlfriend didn't know you talked to your Ex for so long. Don't give her any reason to worry with inviting the Ex back in.

 

Best wishes going forward!

[mrjoeblow78]

For your sake, I hope she doesn't snoop and discover this thread. She may be hurt to read you thought she was too much of "goody good" for not smoking/drinking and that you didn't think you had much in common. I'm assuming as its 7 months later, you discovered you two clicked after all. That's good that you were able to move on.

Huh? Oh wait, that was the first girl I saw from eHarmony. My girlfriend was the 3rd. She's not a goody-goody, and we drink a couple times a week and smoke-out occasionally, but nothing too crazy.

 

As for the Ex, leave her in the past. I would not advise reaching out her again (even for Words With Friends or Scrabble). If she contacts you either ignore or send a curt reply. That's it. No open ended questions or catching up. No going to get coffee or drinks. You mentioned your current girlfriend didn't know you talked to your Ex for so long. Don't give her any reason to worry with inviting the Ex back in.

Absolutely agree!