Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[DN]

What are you expecting from her? I somehow think it isn't friendship.

[mrjoeblow78]

Well, I'm back. I put all her things from my place in a bag and put it my truck, then drove and picked her up from the airport. She was surprisingly happy to see me. We hugged, then got her bags. I was a little awkward, kind of unsure how act now that we're "friends". She asked if I went out while she was gone. I told her yes, which seemed to shock her. She wasn't angry or anything, but genuinely surprised. She asked, kind of curiously, who I went out with and where I went, I said I just went out to a few bars on a couple nights. She just said she was surprised to hear that.

 

During the drive, we mostly kept things light, but she did say she missed me "a little bit". I told her that there were times during the week that I missed her too. We spent most of the time talking about her trip and whatnot, but there were a couple times where she said she was angry with me, not now, but earlier in the week, saying she felt it was so unfair that I was punishing her for something she never did. She again tried to explain away the condoms, saying that one probably fell to the floor. But I told her, "I know. It sucks. But it just wasn't a healthy situation for me or you anyway. I think it was the right decision, especially since we can continue on as just friends." She agreed, and said it was best to do it when we did because it saved us from hating each other had we continued on with me being suspicious of her. Then we kind of laughed at the situation, how I dumped her, and joked about when she was going to meet my new girlfriend. She also joked that the other thing that annoyed her was that I skipped out on the break up sex. I joked that I was kicking myself for that all week.

 

We got to her place and she put some things away, then we went to get dinner. We went to a new place (for us) in a different part of the city, which involves a bit of adventure and we were joking around the whole time. We ate dinner, cabbed it back to her place. I told her I had packed her things from my place, and asked if she wanted me to give it to her, she said she just didn't want to deal with that now, and that I should keep her spare set of car keys in case she needed me to rescue her or something. So we went up to her place and smoked out. We were just goofing around and laughing, when she kind of stopped and looked at me, smiled, and said she needed to get away from me for a second. I asked what was up, she said she was fighting the urge to hug me, and smell me. I told her that's not a bad thing. She said yeah, but we're broken up. I said, so what. She joked again that we really should have had break up sex. I said I agreed. Then she laughingly and sarcastically says, "Just because we have sex this one time, doesn't mean we are together, right?" I said no, we're still broken up, and we should do it. Then we kissed briefly, but decided to sit down and watch tv. After a little bit she was kind of resting her head on my shoulder almost falling asleep, and I asked if she wanted to go in the other room hint, hint...She asked where I was parked. Her street has all sorts of rules about where you are allowed to park your car depending on the day and time, so she was trying to figure out when I'd have to move it in the morning. I said I was up the street, but was still going to drive home tonight. She seemed surprised but said she'd be ok with that. So we had sex, joked around a little after, then I got dressed and left.

 

So what does this mean? Well, I have no plans or desire to get back with her, that's for sure. If this was a one time thing, cool. If not, that's cool too. I'm still going to look elsewhere for a real relationship. But in the meantime, why not hang out and maybe have sex every now and then? I don't know, as I write this, I start to worry that this might be like playing with fire...

[Dusk Till Dawn]

Then she laughingly and sarcastically says, "Just because we have sex this one time, doesn't mean we are together, right?" I said no, we're still broken up, and we should do it.

 

So what does this mean? Well, I have no plans or desire to get back with her, that's for sure. If this was a one time thing, cool. If not, that's cool too. I'm still going to look elsewhere for a real relationship. But in the meantime, why not hang out and maybe have sex every now and then? I don't know, as I write this, I start to worry that this might be like playing with fire...

 

What does this mean? It means she is getting the best of both worlds and you are being a sucker.

P.s I would start using protection with her, god knows who else she is getting her end away with, better to be safe than sorry.

[journeynow]

Which of these would you do with any of your friends? :

 

Pick up at the airport

Hug

Treat or be treated to dinner alone

Take a cab back to their place to hang out

Ask if they wanted their things instead of simply delivering them

Keep a spare set of their keys to "rescue them or something"

Smell them. Encourage them to smell you

Rest head on their shoulder, or their head on yours

Have sex

 

If you are choosing to be friends, then treat her like you would your friends. Don't follow her lead. Remember how you didn't like the way she was "friends" with her exes, how you didn't trust her? Now, with what you have, you've thrown the idea of trust out the window and basically have the same relationship as before. How is this any healthier than what you had that wasn't working for you?

[pl3asehelp]

Yes, this was probably her endgame all along. You drive her around, provide companionship, she has sex with you AND she gets to have sex with whoever she likes without needing to lie to you about it anymore. Make sure you start wearing a rubber.

[FreedomRing]

Fun, casual, (no strings), friend sex....yeah..sounds like a go. But REALLY, this has all the potential to end up with you being a baby daddy. I see her getting thrills from other guys, but keeping you on a leash, cause you are clearly addicted to her, and proven to be reliable, constant in her life. The perfect guy to be a good baby daddy. BE SMART.

[diamond78]

Remember how you didn't like the way she was "friends" with her exes, how you didn't trust her?

 

 

Preach! it's interesting that you have now become the very guy/situation that had you so suspicious of her which ultimately lead to the breakup in the first place.

[Miss Firecracker]

I knew what the story would be when you came back here. It's so predictable. I don't understand why anyone would want to live that way, but apparently a lot of people do. Now she can lie to some other guy about just smoking out with you. Oh...that guy is just a friend. Just like she did you. That's how she gets her thrill.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

I knew what the story would be when you came back here. It's so predictable. I don't understand why anyone would want to live that way, but apparently a lot of people do. Now she can lie to some other guy about just smoking out with you. Oh...that guy is just a friend. Just like she did you. That's how she gets her thrill.

 

100% Agree

[mrjoeblow78]

Quick update:

 

Haven't seen her since the goodbye sex. She's called and we've talked fairly regularly though, usually just short little 5 minute (or less) conversations. Most of the time we seem in a good place and we just keep things light and chat and about our days or whatever and joke around. But she's occasionally expressed that she's angry because I'm punishing her for something she didn't do. She did so again this morning actually. She continually says she didn't do anything and that I'm the only one she's been with for the last 9 months. I think she wants me to apologize or something, but I just say "I know, it sucks, but I think it was the right decision and we're better off." She'll respond saying she agrees we shouldn't be together but phrases it to blame me, saying something like "It just sucks you can't get past your trust issues. Why can't I be trustworthy?" I don't apologize though, and just let her vent a little. She says everything from "I just worry your trust issues will affect you in future relationships." to "Maybe you should see a therapist.". I usually respond saying something like "Yeah, maybe..." and then change the subject to something more light.

 

I've been getting super-stoned lately, and when I do, I get a little paranoid, but it's kind of helped in a weird way because I think back to all the suspicious things she's said or done, and think "Wow! She was manipulating me the whole time!" I don't know if it was my pot-induced paranoia, or if it somehow made me see the light or something, but there's times when I wonder whether she's a psychopath, or some sort of narcissist, or just plain evil. Like, was everything she did or said calculated to manipulate me in some way? Once I come down, I think "No, that just can't be the case, no one's that manipulative...are they?" But it's helped me keep distance between us, and be on the lookout for signs she's trying to manipulate me.

 

I'm out of town visiting family this weekend, but I'm supposed to see her again next weekend. We're supposed to go to a museum, maybe check out the new Avengers movie, and just hangout. We'll see what happens...

 

In the meantime, I've joined a dating site, and have been chatting with a few girls I met through there. Not sure if anything will come of it, but it keeps my mind off of her. I've also been going out more and just doing my own thing.

[Donovan79]

We'll see what happens...

 

Why? What do you want to happen?

[camus154]

Meh. Here's how this goes:

 

Smoke some weed, talk to her, hang out, smoke some weed, have sex, agree it's all puppies and rainbows that you're Still Friends, smoke some weed, come back here to give us updates.

 

I'm betting this thread easily gets to 60 pages long before anything really changes.

[mrjoeblow78]

Why? What do you want to happen?

 

To be honest, I kind of wanted to enjoy the friendship sex for a while until I meet someone else.....is that messed up? I don't know, I'm in the frame of mind where I'm trying to be real careful around her to avoid becoming attached and to keep my distance. I think it's working so far, as I've avoided being the one to initiate contact since the break-up, and no longer feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. I still think about her A LOT, probably way too much really, but I've tried to stay busy with work, working out, and doing my own thing.

[lalalollipops]

You CAN'T have sex with her casually. You have feelings for her. Stop making excuses. MAN UP and leave her alone. Don't be her little puppy dog. Have some more self respect!

[lalalollipops]

Meh. Here's how this goes:

 

Smoke some weed, talk to her, hang out, smoke some weed, have sex, agree it's all puppies and rainbows that you're Still Friends, smoke some weed, come back here to give us updates.

 

I'm betting this thread easily gets to 60 pages long before anything really changes.

 

I bet this thread can get to 70 and he'll still be in contact with her lol.

[ketaro]

We'll see what happens...

.

 

If things continue the way they are, nothing will happen.

[Donovan79]

To be honest, I kind of wanted to enjoy the friendship sex for a while until I meet someone else.....is that messed up? I don't know, I'm in the frame of mind where I'm trying to be real careful around her to avoid becoming attached and to keep my distance. I think it's working so far, as I've avoided being the one to initiate contact since the break-up, and no longer feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. I still think about her A LOT, probably way too much really, but I've tried to stay busy with work, working out, and doing my own thing.

 

Man, you don't feel like you're on a rollercoaster because she's not currently with another guy... that you know of. But she will be, tonight or tomorrow or in two weeks. And I don't think you're being honest with yourself about how you're going to react when you see more of her condoms gone or catch her in obvious lies.

[mrjoeblow78]

Well, here we go, another update. I met up with her this weekend, and we were supposed to see a movie together with her 21 year old niece, but plans changed as her niece was hungover from the night before. So we instead hung out at her place. She was determined to do some much needed cleaning of her apartment. It was strange because when we were "together", I spent a lot of time at her place, so didn't mind doing the dishes after she cooked a meal or whatever, but now we're not "together", but she was asking me to help her out. I said, ok, I guess. After a while of cleaning with her, she says that she really appreciates me helping her out and then says that she'll repay me by getting naked afterwards. I was like cool, but really was thinking that we shouldn't be doing this. So anyway, we finish cleaning, and I sort of don't want to do it, but then again, I kind of do. It was weird. I was nervous, and felt like this was a bad idea. She sensed this as well and asked what was up. I told her that it's just awkward because we're not together any more. She said that I might be right, and maybe we shouldn't, but then I changed my mind and we did it. I went home afterward. We talked the next day and she says that I was right, we shouldn't sleep together any more. She says it's just making it more difficult for her and we need to just be friends. I agree and tell her that it just confuses things, and it'll be easier for both of us if we just be strictly friends. So, anyway, we're supposed to actually go to the movie in a few days, and I'm determined that it'll strictly be a platonic thing.

[Donovan79]

So, anyway, we're supposed to actually go to the movie in a few days, and I'm determined that it'll strictly be a platonic thing.

 

Which you've said... how many times now?

 

You know, in some languages they have a word for a woman who offers up sex outside of a relationship in return for money, labor, or other favors. I forget what it is in English.

[kitty1223]

Which you've said... how many times now?

 

You know, in some languages they have a word for a woman who offers up sex outside of a relationship in return for money, labor, or other favors. I forget what it is in English.

LOL! Good one...

[mrjoeblow78]

Alright, no update really, but I think I'm seriously screwed up. I can hardly go an hour without thinking about her. And when I do, I go through the whole range of emotions. I remember all the fun we had, and I miss her, I love her, then I remember all the suspicious crap, and I'm angry with her, and know that I did the right thing by ending it. We haven't seen each other since we had sex the last time, actually haven't even talked (though she's left a voice mail or two) and I've made sure that I'm not the one to initiate contact. But she hits me up via IM fairly frequently (once a day), and texts me every now and then, and even calls me occasionally (leaving said voicemails). It's always just chit chat, things friends would talk about, nothing serious, but it's there. I know I enable it because the only reason I installed IM at work was to talk with her when we were together. She knows this, and I could change my status to offline or close the app, but I don't. I also frequently check her status to see if she's online during the day, I don't initiate an IM to her, but I have this need to know she's there. There's times when I'm busy at work, or in meetings for much of the day, so my status will be offline for a long time, and she'll text instead, and wonder where I am. We still play Words With Friends too. I admit that every time my phone makes a sound, I'm hoping it's her.

 

I've tried to move on. I've been communicating with a few girls on a dating site, with plans to meet up with one this weekend for an introduction, but my heart just isn't in it. When I come home after work, I feel miserable, and force myself to go out and hit the bars. I usually just drink a beer, maybe eat dinner, and try to watch whatever sporting event is on TV. A few times a girl has come up, and tried to chat me up a bit, and I've responded a little, but again, my heart just isn't in it. Yet, I have this need to be out and feel like I'm doing something besides sitting at home watching TV alone.

 

I think the obvious things you all would say would be to cut off all contact. But I just can't for some reason. I mean, I never initiate a call, text, or IM with her. But when she does those things, I do respond, and we usually just have a normal chit-chat type of conversation.

 

I feel stuck. And again, we have tentative plans to go see a movie together this Friday, and possibly go to a museum this weekend. And then we have plans to take a road trip next Saturday and go bungie jumping. We're supposed to do all these things as friends. But it's hard. It's like I can't, or don't want, to move on, even though that would be the best thing for me.

[Donovan79]

You know you're going to let yourself get hurt far more than you are now, right? I mean, you know this, right? By doing nothing at all -- which is pretty sad, you're just a lump of meat being dragged along, refusing to act like a man -- you're just letting yourself get worse, never healing, and pretty soon she's going to get horny and lonely and start dating someone new, and then even the IMs and tentative movie plans will stop.

 

You can't keep this up. STOP it. Cut off the goddamn IM, stop responding to the call, the chitchat. Decide what the HELL you want -- a relationship or moving on -- and then DO it. You're going to look back on this stage of your life years from now, and you're either going to be proud of what you did, or deeply regret it. MAN UP ALREADY.

[mrjoeblow78]

Ok, yet another update. This one is probably for the best. I mentioned before that we hadn't talked since the last time we saw each other ended in sex. But on Wednesday of last week, I sent her a "Good Morning" text. She called me back upset. She said she had been waiting for me to call her for several days, and said she felt stupid being the one to always initiate contact. We had tentative plans to go to the museum and see a movie during the upcoming weekend. I was sure that we had planned to go on Friday (see previous post), but she said no, that she was going to a concert/DJ show with friends, and that she told me about this a long time ago. I have no recollection of that though. Then she asked if we can do the museum and movie on Sunday. The problem was that I had set up a date with a girl from eharmony for Sunday evening, so I said I could go if it was early in the day. She asked why, and asked if I had plans Sunday evening. I said yes. Then she asked what sort of plans, realizing that it was probably a date. I told her I was being set up on a blind date (I didn't want to mention that I joined eharmony). She became a little distraught. She said she was incredibly hurt, and she was on the verge of tears. I backpedaled a bit saying that I didn't know the girl, that a friend set me up with this girl to try and cheer me up. But she was upset. She said if I was seeing other people, then she might have to have a booty call. I was taken-aback by that for a couple reasons. First, it struck me as ironic, because I has assumed she was doing that even while we were together. Second, because it seemed an odd way to get "revenge" on me. I asked her if she was talking about a booty call out of spite for me. She said yes, and said it would be a preemptive booty call. I just kind of sighed, and said that she could do what she want as I had no right to say anything since I broke up with her. Then she had to jump on a conference call for work. She texted me a little later in the day apologizing for flipping out in the morning, saying she was PMS'ing, but was still hurt, and wanted to talk the next day. I told her I'd call the next morning. She said thanks.

 

So on Thursday, I woke up, and prepared to call her. Before I dialed though, she texted saying that she would just give me money to go bungie jumping alone, and that she had packed my things I had left at her place in a bag, which she would mail to me. It ended saying something like "Good for you that you are able to move on." I tried calling, but she hit the "decline" button. I called again, and she answered but said she couldn't talk, that she couldn't afford to be late to work. I said I understood and let her go. Then I texted her saying that I was sorry that she was upset, that I still cared very much for her, that I was looking forward to go to the movie, but understood if this was goodbye, and I gave her my address to send my stuff, and said I would send her her things too. She texted back saying that it was apparent by the way that I didn't call her, and my upcoming date, that I really didn't care much for her. I texted back saying that was so not the case, and that I've been through so much mental anguish and stress trying to get through this. Anyway, we texted back and forth a little, and she sort of calmed down a bit. I said I would cancel my date so we could go to the movies and museum, as I really didn't think I was ready to see someone else anyway, she said she didn't want me to, but I made it clear that I valued our friendship and would shift things around. So we agreed to go to the museum on Sunday. On Saturday, I was going to go to the chiropractor as my sports injury was flaring up, she said she thought she'd go too. I scheduled my appointment for 1:30, and then we chatted via IM during the day, and she said she set her appointment for the same time.

 

She called on Saturday morning and asked if I wanted to come up for breakfast and to hang out before going to the chiropractor. I said sure. So I went over there on Saturday morning, and we met at her place. She was exhausted from partying the night before at the DJ thing, and said she needed to change. I sat on the couch, and we were just talking, when she came out topless, sort of in the middle of putting on clothes. I was like "Woah, free show", and she sort of apologized and said she forgot, and went back in her room to finish changing. We got some breakfast, smoked out, hung out a bit, then we went to the chiropractor. After that, she asked if I could help her move some big items in her apartment that she had been meaning to move but couldn't. I said sure, so I helped her out a bit, then I said it was time for me to go. She said I could stay, even though she was due to have a few friends over, but I declined. I got the feeling that she was trying to keep tabs on me, since we weren't supposed to hang out this day, and I spent the majority of it with her. It seemed like she was trying to make sure I wasn't going on a date or something.

 

Sunday came, and our plans changed a bit as her 13 year old cousin who was flying abroad alone had his flight cancelled, so he was stranded at the airport, and she was the only person the parents knew in the area who could help him out. She called to say we could still hang out, but her cousin would tag along. I said that was fine. So the three of us spent the day together. It was actually pretty fun, and the kid was hilarious and fun to have around. It was a long day, and there were times when it was cold, so I put my arm around her to try to warm her up a bit. We didn't get to go to the movie, but did go to the museum, and still had a lot of fun. I went home around 11:30pm, and we agreed to try to do the movie the next day, Monday, Memorial Day.

 

Monday came, and she had to take the kid to the airport which was a huge ordeal since he was 13 and flying alone. But he eventually was on his way. She called to say she was exhausted, and needed a nap, but would call me later to see if we were still on for the movie. I had a business meeting at 3pm with a friend, so was focused on that. After my meeting she called to say that she needed to change our plans, as this was her good friend's last night in town. I knew this friend was due to leave soon, so said it wasn't a problem, and that we could try to do the movie some other day.

 

Tuesday morning (today), she called and didn't seem upset, but said she was having trouble with us. She said that she felt stuck, and that our situation was screwing her up, and wasn't sure if we should see the movie. I told her I was thinking about things too, and wasn't sure spending this much time together was healthy. She dropped hints that she was open to try and work things out, saying things like, I wish you wouldn't have run off like you did, and that other people have worked through far worse. I said I knew that, but that I was conflicted. I said it sounded corny to say, but if I listened to my heart, I'd be begging her to take me back, but my mind knows that the outcome would eventually be the same as it is now. I'd be suspicious of her, and things would fall apart. I told her I loved her, but am stuck as well, not knowing what to do, but just trying to roll with things. She continued to deny ever cheating on me, or doing anything wrong besides sending some inappropriate emails, and said I needed to make a decision, and if the decision was to be just friends, then we might need to cut off all contact for a while. I said I agreed with that assessment. Then she had to jump on a conference call, and we agreed to talk later in the day.

 

I talked it over with the other female co-worker who I confide in, and I came to the decision that I'd stick to my guns and just be friends, even if it meant cutting off all contact for a while. She IM'd me later saying that she felt horrible, just like the day I broke up with her. She said she thought we were sending each other mixed messages, and needed some resolution to the situation. I told her that I understood, that I would do whatever it took to make things easier on her, and if it means not having any communication for a while, that'd I do that. She said she thought that might be for the best. So I said ok. She asked that we still be able to talk in case of an emergency or something. I said that was fine, that if she was stuck on the side of the road, I'd have no problem helping her out. She said she'd do the same for me. Then she asked when should we end the no contact. I told her, that since it was almost June, why not try to go 1 month, so we agreed that we wouldn't have any contact till July 1st. She said she was thinking along the same lines. We both agreed that it would be tough to do, but that it needed to be done. I told her I'd miss her, that I loved her, and told her to take care of herself, and said goodbye. She said she loved me too, and that was that. I turned off IM at work, and now we are radio silent.

 

I told the other female co-worker about our plans not to contact each other for a month, and she laughed and said that she didn't think my ex could do it. I told her I definitely would not be one to initiate contact.

[swampyankee]

I've followed this thread since the beginning, and I just rewound to your first post. You have suffered alot of angst and conflict over the course of these months.

 

Just imagine how it would be right now if you had never snooped at her emails...

 

You could be in a fairly steady and solid relationship right now. Granted, you might not have dug some of her behaviors, but you would've taken them at face value and possibly had the opportunity to talk about them without all the other baggage that was created, and it sounds like she might care enough for you to have changed her ways a bit.

 

The reason I have followed this thread is because I am in a relationship with a girl with similar traits. She is brash and open with people, sometimes fresh and what guys might consider flirtatious. But she has this open and honest way with people, and just acts on impulses, some of which may be considered fresh or out of line sometimes. It's sometimes a little awkward, but think I have her figured out. She is very understanding of my concerns, and takes them to heart and made some changes, as I have for her.

The other similarity is, she doesn't see the harm in maintaining friendships with old boyfriends. One of which I posted about recently. Even though her most recent contact has caused a little insecurity in me, I honestly believe she is a very faithful and dedicated woman.

 

I think your no-contact plan is a good one, but if neither of you can pull it off, maybe you guys are really meant for one another and you need to do a rewind, forget all the dirt, and choose to trust her.

[swampyankee]

^ that's utterly ridiculous.

 

Actions speak WAY louder than words. You're choosing to turn a blind eye to your gf's behaviour, but just cos you choose to go down that route doesn't mean the OP should. He deserves way more than this BS excuse for a woman.

 

Not ridiculous at all. Your judgment is based on the evidence the the OP has presented plus you own bias, just as you have judged my situation based on what I presented. He has gotten alot of snap-opinions based on a one-sided story, but none of us has been present in his life to observe the dynamics of the situation, first-hand. I merely suggest that he could step back and take a look at the situation from another viewpoint. If the glove doesn't fit, you should acquit.... lol