Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[DN]

OP - it's time you moved on to someone else.

[Donovan79]

I really hope this story never ends. I always look forward to the next installment.

 

Man, get back on the date with that eHarmony chick you got so well manipulated out of seeing. She might be the one!

[lalalollipops]

Not ridiculous at all. Your judgment is based on the evidence the the OP has presented plus you own bias, just as you have judged my situation based on what I presented. He has gotten alot of snap-opinions based on a one-sided story, but none of us has been present in his life to observe the dynamics of the situation, first-hand. I merely suggest that he could step back and take a look at the situation from another viewpoint. If the glove doesn't fit, you should acquit.... lol

 

It's pretty obvious to anyone that reads what he's written that this woman does not deserve to be trusted in any way. Shiz, how hard is this to understand? Are we just reading a different thread to you or sth? See the thing is, often when you're in the situation you're very blinded and make excuses for the other person, but people who are viewing the situation from the outside can objectively see the truth. Maybe one day it will hit you. I hope that's sometime soon.

 

-_-

 

Oh and btw, your gf shouldn't be acting the way she is. You can defend her say she's 'open', friendly or whatever. The fact of the matter is, sb in a relationship shouldn't be getting extra chummy with old boyfriends or hookups, and they shouldn't be flirting around. There's boundaries that needs to be in place, and unless you set them, your partner is just gonna walk all over you.

[diamond78]

Not ridiculous at all. Your judgment is based on the evidence the the OP has presented plus you own bias, just as you have judged my situation based on what I presented. He has gotten alot of snap-opinions based on a one-sided story, but none of us has been present in his life to observe the dynamics of the situation, first-hand. I merely suggest that he could step back and take a look at the situation from another viewpoint. If the glove doesn't fit, you should acquit.... lol

 

 

I think the judgement comes from the evidence he found of her arranging to meet with her tax guy to give him sexual favors and other sexually charged conversations with the intention to cheat.

 

I don't see anything innocent about that and I would never take it lightly and the OP shouldn't as well.

 

The OP is doing the right thing by moving on. There are many women in the world who would not conduct themselves in the way she has with the OP. And he shouldn't have to spend his days worrying if his girl is having sexual conversations with other men or even worse.

 

I personally don't have an issue with being friends with Ex's as long as it stays strictly platonic and that friendship/relationship doesn't intefere with your current partner at all. It's all about how a person conducts themselves and the OP's ex has shown a tendency to not conduct herself in a proper manner while in a relationship.

 

I highly encourage the OP to see what else is out there. It's always hard to move on, but he just may find a better match for himself. Good luck!

[mrjoeblow78]

I really hope this story never ends. I always look forward to the next installment.

 

Man, get back on the date with that eHarmony chick you got so well manipulated out of seeing. She might be the one!

 

lol, thanks, I think....It's weird, sometimes I feel like she was this master manipulator and she played me like a flute, but then she'll show this vulnerable side, and I'll think I totally misjudged her. She'll say she let me fully into her world, brought me home to meet her parents and family, and say that there's only been a couple of other guys in her life who made it that far, and she didn't know what more she could do to show me she truly loves me. And I was shocked at how upset she got when she found out I was going on a date. But then again, that's kind of how manipulation goes, right? But I can't help but still have feelings for her. I wish I could snap my fingers and move on, but it's not that easy. I'm sticking to not talking to her for a month though. Maybe in a month, I'll feel differently and not even think about her. I'm not sure I'm really ready to see anyone yet though. I've been to some bars in the last couple weeks, and just kind of zoned out watching sports. A couple of attractive girls have come up to me and tried to chat me up a bit and seemed interested, but I just wasn't into it, so didn't pursue them. I'm seeing the eharmony girl this weekend though, so we'll see how that goes.

 

I merely suggest that he could step back and take a look at the situation from another viewpoint.

 

But see, that's where things become even worse. There's no way anyone could read those emails and come away with any other conclusion than she was willing and even eager to cheat on me. Combine that with the various guys in her life who turned out to be ex-boyfriends or former(?) casual sex partners, including the weed growing guy who she wanted to spend the night with in the middle of nowhere while maintaining he was nothing more than a friend. And let's not forget the condom that went missing. There's just too many red flags. When there's that much smoke, there's got to be fire, right? And at a certain point I had to look in the mirror and say to myself "Have some friggin self-respect. You deserve better. You can't be with someone you don't trust."

 

I highly encourage the OP to see what else is out there. It's always hard to move on, but he just may find a better match for himself. Good luck!

 

Thanks.

[Donovan79]

lol, thanks, I think....It's weird, sometimes I feel like she was this master manipulator and she played me like a flute, but then she'll show this vulnerable side, and I'll think I totally misjudged her. She'll say she let me fully into her world, brought me home to meet her parents and family, and say that there's only been a couple of other guys in her life who made it that far, and she didn't know what more she could do to show me she truly loves me.

 

You don't ever think that maybe that's part of her JoeBlow Master Manipulation Toolkit? I'm not saying she's 100% pure soulless evil, but she has a selfish streak ten miles wide, and while she's alone now and needs JoeBlow hanging on her every word and will cry and beg and get upset to have the attention she craves, JB is also getting tossed like a can of Coors Lite out the window of a Texan pickup the moment some other guy comes sniffing around. And then when you man up again and walk, and New Guy smells the scent of badness and runs, guess who will suddenly getting all lovely and talk about how you're the only guy who made it that far again?

 

You need a girl who isn't fickle. She's fickle. F#%& that. Picture the perfect man, the man you want to be, then become him. I'm pretty sure the man you'd aspire to be wouldn't settle for her half-assed s#%&. Keep the updates coming tho.

[pl3asehelp]

You could be in a fairly steady and solid relationship right now. Granted, you might not have dug some of her behaviors, but you would've taken them at face value and possibly had the opportunity to talk about them without all the other baggage that was created, and it sounds like she might care enough for you to have changed her ways a bit.

 

You could also disembowel yourself and throw your intestines at the cops - why not?

 

Come on, really? You think anyone deserves to be in a relationship like this?

[Knocturne]

I think that if you don't confront her (assuming you haven't already), then you'll let your mind wander too far and that leads to resentment. Trust issues may have already developed it sounds like, considering she never bothered to give you the full back story on the man that lives in the country and she wasn't fully 100 % honest with her drink date with the "former colleague."

 

The man that lives in the country grows weed and she wanted a "Day to clear her mind," which you interpreted as time to chill out with an ex and smoke weed. It bothers me considering I know how people act when high.

 

You said that she rarely uses that email, but I still have to question why she didn't bother to delete those emails when the relationships with those men ended and she began a relationship with you. At any time she did log in to that email she would be reminded of the past and memories and thoughts would pop back into her head.

[Gabrielle84]

This woman has been very deceitful and disloyal. If you ever trust her again, she will probably lose any respect she might still have for you and you will feel worthless yourself. I know it's hard to let go, but usually in life the right path is the hardest. Stop keeping in touch with her. At this point in your life, and probably for years to come, you will NOT be able to be "just friends" with her. You will NOT be able to have just casual sex or be * * * * buddies because there were feelings involved in the past. You still have feelings. Nobody here is saying it's easy man, we know it isn't, we know it's a process where you will probably suffer a lot, with withdrawal symptoms and all, similar to quitting a drug addiction. But it is what you need to do if you want a healthy life back. You need to be strong and truly believe that life will get better when you get past this stage.

[Miss Firecracker]

My younger sister was exactly like this woman. And she managed to string men along for decades, while dating, engaged and even while married. The only thing that will change someone like her is age and desperation. You may not want to wait that long though.

[mrjoeblow78]

No update really, just want to vent a little. Haven't talked, texted, or chatted with her since we agreed not to a week ago. I felt really comfortable with it at first, like it'd help me finally get over her. And the first few days went by without a problem. But man, the last few days, my emotions have run the gamut. I'll remember the fun times, miss her, and become sad that it didn't work out. Then I'll wonder what guy(s) she's with now, remember all the suspicious stuff, and wonder if our relationship was ever real or if she was playing me for a fool since the beginning. Then I kind of "go down the rabbit hole" and think she may be evil, like someone who enjoys crushing the hearts of those foolish enough to give it to her, which makes me hate her, and wish their was a some way I could wipe away all memories of her.

 

Then I'll dread the thought of having to start over with someone new, which means having to through the awkward get to know you phase, then the slow reveal of who you really are as a person, followed by the adjustment period of accepting each other's flaws and annoying habits, before finally reaching the point of being completely comfortable with each other. The relationship could fail at any of those moments (and even after), and it's like "Do I really want to attempt to climb that mountain?"

 

I want to go out, do something, have fun, but I just can't motivate myself to do it. My date with the 1st eharmony girl is coming up this Wednesday (I said it was last weekend in a previous post but had the day wrong), hopefully I'm in a better mood, and make better company.

[mrjoeblow78]

Alright, another update, since I know you're all just dying to know, lol. BTW, if I shouldn't be posting here, I'll stop, but I do find it helpful to write about things, and hear what others have to say about it.

 

Ok, anyway, still haven't talked, texted, or IM'd her since we agreed not to. We are still playing Words with Friends occasionally, but that's it. Last week she texted the female co-worker who I confide in though. It was just a "catch-up" text asking about how things were going and updating the co-worker on what's new in her life, mostly work-related stuff. It was out-of-the-blue though, and it's a little weird because this co-worker is pretty much the only one that knew me and my ex were together. My ex knows that the co-worker knows about us too, and it was sort of a point of contention when we were together. The co-worker thinks that my ex thinks that me and the co-worker might be seeing each other, and is trying to gleam some information. I don't know. My ex did text me on Monday morning, but it was just apologize for accidentally pocket-dialing me and saying Happy Monday. I texted back telling her my phone never rang but I hoped she'd have a good day.

 

I went on a couple dates with the girl from eharmony. She seems nice enough, but there's just not a real spark there. I get the feeling she's never drank alcohol in her life, and she's maybe a bit too goody goody. I think if she knew I had a large amount of weed in my apartment, she'd freak out. But I'm going to setup another date with her soon, as we had fun so far. The problem is, I'm not sure what we can do. We already went out for movie and dinner, but she doesn't seem to have a lot of hobbies or interests that we can do together. Oh well, I'll figure something out...

 

I went on a date with another girl from link removed last night. We met at a bar for drinks after work, had a few and hung out for a little more than 3 hours. She was a little bit in "date" mode at first, like she's been on a lot of these things, and it was up to me to prove that I was good company or something. But she loosened up as the evening went on and was pretty cool. We had a good time talking, drinking, joking around, and whatnot. She gave me her number and said she'd be up for doing it again sometime. She had some characteristics that reminded me of my ex though, and she's also currently living a few blocks away on the same street where my ex lives too, so I don't know if we're a good fit.

 

Well, that's it for now. At least I'm getting out of the apartment, meeting people, and having fun doing it.

[Gabrielle84]

At least I'm getting out of the apartment, meeting people, and having fun doing it.

 

That's the spirit, go out, have fun! Dont be in such a hurry to rebound though...meet girls, date, but dont feel pressured to find a replacement in order to heal. If it happens and you click with someone, great. If not, don't feel discouraged. Right now only focus on getting yourself into a healthy mindset again!

 

From the story with your co-worker and just the way she seems to be, it's probable that sooner than later your ex will do or say something to try to get you back. That's when I hope you will remember everything you've been through with her and be strong enough to stay apart.

[Donovan79]

Keep it up man. The updates too. Entertaining stuff.

 

Just went on a decent first date Monday myself. Cute British girl, was a little awkward and formal at first, but a few drinks in we were teasing each other. I finally suggested we take off, walked her to the train, she asked if I wanted to go somewhere else. We ended up at another bar by a fireplace, spent another hour, finally she needed to head back, got a little surprise makeout session, now she's away for a bridal vacay. Exchanged a few texts, might get to Date Two. Doubt she's gonna be The One but damn it feels good being back in the game.

 

The way I feel these days is like night and day versus the lows I was at three months ago. It does get better, people.

[mrjoeblow78]

Well, haven't done much since the last date with the girl from link removed. Had to go out of town for 5 days as my Dad was rushed to the hospital. He seems to be ok now, and I've returned home a couple days ago, but I've felt tired and somewhat depressed since. During the time when my Dad was in the hospital, I spent most of it in the room keeping him and my Mom company. But what was weird is that my ex started playing scrabble with me on my phone very frequently. I mean, we had played sporadically since we agreed to stop talking/texting/IM'ing for a month, but here she was playing every 10 minutes or so. I couldn't explain it, but when I got back the female co-worker also said my ex was playing her frequently too, and she wondered if my ex was trying to gleam something from how frequently we played back or something.....yes, we've entered a strange place where scrabble moves need to be interpreted (FYI, since I got back, our scrabble moves have returned to their previous sporadic pace). Anyway, she's been in my head ever since. Our month of silence is up in 8 days, and I dread having to talk with her. I think I told her previously that I'd call her on July 1st, but I really don't want to, and don't think I'll actually do it, but know I'll feel guilty if I don't.

 

I headed out to a bar tonight to meet about my side project with my friend, and the bartender was this girl I met through my ex and is a friend of hers. This was the first time I saw her since my ex and I went silent We used to greet each other with a hug, but this time she gave me a very cold hello. I felt very awkward, like I didn't belong there.

 

I'm meeting that link removed girl again tomorrow for dinner and drinks. We had a nice little chat on the phone, and she seems cool, but I'm afraid that I'm not ready and my ex has really screwed me up.

[Kjv1611ad]

Well, did you call?

[Sofasurfer]

Mate, listen up! Any reply that makes out she probably hasnt done anything wrong is likely to be written by a woman! No man in their right mind would stay with this girl after finding that.

Do you honestly think this guy has gone from someone she wants to suck off desperately, and for him to see pics of her bits, to meeting you and becoming a nun? And even on the remotest offchance that she didnt go crazy with both of them, would you really want a girlfriend like that? Dont worry about snooping, you've dodged a bullet by finding this out. Get rid asap and delete her number.

[mrjoeblow78]

Ok, another update.

 

It just so happened that I was in the midst of a long road trip to visit relatives in a city 1000 miles away when our month of silence was up on July 1st. Coincidentally, she grew up in this city, and was also due to visit her relatives while I was in said city. When we broke up, and were going through our post-relationship/pseudo-friend phase we had talked about meeting up there, since we were both going to be there at the same time, but that was before we went silent.

 

Anyway, our month of silence was up on July 1st and I stuck to my guns and didn't call her. We played some word games on our phones that day though, but I think she was expecting me to call. The next day, July 2nd, she called me while I was in the shower and left a message saying something like "I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but....", and proceeded to ask if I had her spare set of car keys so she could give them to her friend to use her car while she traveled. I called her back, told her I was already at my grandma's house and couldn't give her her keys. She said that was ok, and then we chatted for 5 minutes, sort of catching up a little on what's been going in each others lives, leaving out any talk of dating anyone else.

 

She mentioned that she and her cousin were going to a concert while she was visiting her family, and it sort of sounded like she wanted me to ask to go, but I didn't. Then after the call, a little while later, her cousin texted me saying she (the cousin) was buying tickets and asking if I wanted to go. I thought about it, but I was going to be busy with family stuff anyway, so I said I couldn't make it. She called a little later and said her cousin asked if I could go because she told her cousin that I was fun to go to concerts with. I don't know, it sort of seemed like she wanted to make sure I didn't read more into it than I should or something. She said that if I changed my mind, I could still join them at the concert as she thought there'd be plenty of tickets available, but if I couldn't make it, maybe we could meet up for lunch or something while we were both in town. I said that would be ok. She asked, if we can't meetup during her visit, can we meetup later when we got back home. I said that was ok as well. She said something like "It's good to hear your voice again.", and that's how we ended the call.

 

It turned out our schedules only overlapped for a couple of days, and these were days where I was committed to doing family things, so I texted her the next morning saying I didn't think we'd be able to meetup, so we'd just wait till we got back. She texted back saying she understood, and we'd catch up later.

 

So that's the latest, I'm due to drive back home tomorrow morning, and she'll remain here for a couple more days. I imagine we'll meetup at some point when we both get back...

[DN]

Well done. I think that probably turned out for the best, but it does seem as if she really wanted to see you, I doubt that her cousin texted you unprompted. If you do see her again be very, very careful.

[carrieleigh]

Alright, your girlfriend left this guy for a reason. This sounds insane, but it's girl logic: If she isn't with him now, she doesn't want him now. Or else she would have left you already. You're fine. I wouldn't worry about it. Snooping around does give you that "stomach drop" feeling though. Best of luck to you two.

[mrjoeblow78]

Ok, just got off the phone with her. I made it back from the family vacation this weekend, and sort of thought the ball was in my court to call her back. I delayed doing so, and wondered if I should or not, but decided to get it over with today after work. I called her and she was still away visiting her relatives. The conversation was pretty awkward as she seemed to have a little bit of a "why are you calling?" attitude. I mean, she was nice, and we chit-chatted a bit, but there was definitely a lot of distance between us. But I think it was actually a good thing, as it put the onus on her to make the next contact (if there is one), and made me more determined than ever to move on. So, that's that I guess. Now it's time to really try and meet people again, which is kind of intimidating, but hopefully I'll figure it out.

[DN]

You can't move on if you keep calling her. Stop doing that.

[journeynow]

mrjoeblow78, I understand how hard it is to break up and let go, but do you think you will remain friends with her? Because if you do, you become one of her friendly exes. Wasn't that the deal breaker for you while you were her boyfriend, that she was friends with exes?

[mrjoeblow78]

You both are right, but for some reason I just can't allow myself to be the "bad" guy. I mean, I know that seeing her, even talking to her is a bad idea. No good can come from it. And it was kind of a relief when we had our month of silence, as I never felt compelled to contact her. But now here I am trying to be the "good" guy by returning her calls and engaging her. The smart thing to do would be to just ignore her, but that requires a degree of....I don't know, meanness? (not sure if that's the right word), that I'd feel guilty about.

 

She called this morning and left a message when I was in the shower again, and apologized for being distracted during our last talk.

 

I'm going to try to let things go, but if she calls again, what do I do? Ignore it? Hit decline? Pretend I never got it? As weird as it sounds, I don't hate her, and don't want her to hate me, it's just, we don't belong together, and talking and whatnot is going to make it that much harder to move on to someone else.

[lalalollipops]

Come on. I think my prediction of you not making any change is coming true

You really need to man up and get some respect for yourself. When I was trying to get over my first love, it was hard. It was really effing hard. Sometimes I had to go jogging at nights to get myself from grabbing my phone and calling him. He kept on contacting me and I knew what he was thinking so I had to block him. I then changed my number cos he was calling even after a year of me dumping him. You just have to remain strong. I know when you're in love with the person and care about them you can put up with anything, and any twisted crap can be magically rationalised in your head; cos your heart's doing the thinking. But you got to do this for YOU. You know perfectly well being 'friends' is never going to work. Come on, you know she doesn't respect you, she probably thinks you're like a lap dog cos you are so easy to manipulate. You're making it too easy for her. Cut contact once and for all, change your number if you have to. This back and forth bs has gotta stop. Do you really have no self esteem at all? You need to remain strong and determined on moving on. You can do it! It's all about taking the first few steps.