Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[mrjoeblow78]

OR, she's bullsh**ing you and she has the same views as you about what's relevant information but she chose to lie to you about it so it would be easier for her to go spend the night with the dude she used to sleep with.

 

There is that possibility, but I'm choosing to trust her. She'll either prove faithful or she won't. And like I said, at this point, I honestly believe that she's been faithful in spite of lying, half-truths, and omissions about her past with these guys.

[Glowguy]

She's not gf material man and she most certainly doesn't deserve your trust anymore. Open your eyes and pay attention to her actions. She has crossed all kinds of lines and openly lied to you. The issue isn't her sexual past it's her current behavior (lying, hiding you from co-workers, and spending time inappropiately with exes). Don't let her spin this and make you out to be the bad guy here. I doubt she has been faithful based on her sketchy behavior. Do you think she would tell you if she had cheated? Free yourself from this mess. If you have to resort to snooping on your gf then your relationship is broken anyway.

[tattoobunnie]

Congrats on actually communicating with her about things, instead of running a muck with a information you find with snooping! Trust is a two way street. All it takes is for you to do so, and act in a way that she can trust you...unless she gives you permission, stop going through her stuff like it's yours.

[tattoobunnie]

That reminds me...last memorial day weekend, my hubby and I took a super old friend's boat out to this one beach area with the friend and a few others. Other than my brother, I had hooked up with all three of the other men on that boat (including my hubby)...and do you think I decided to tell him that, so he can feel awkward around them...um, no. That was in the past, and think my hubby is hot-hot-awesome, and the thought of cheating on him...not even entertained in my mind for a second. And we all had a blast, and one of them even does business with my husband.

 

Heck, I'll admit it. When I'm single, I love to have fun. And that kind of past info is so irrelevant. It doesn't make our relationship stronger or closer. We are already strong, close, in love, and trust that if we go out for drinks with other people, we're not ripping our clothes off and getting it on with them.

 

When you really love someone, and you're happy, there's too much at stake to do dumb things like that.

[DN]

I have to agree with those who feel you are being duped. It's all very well to say you choose to trust her but you are basically denying the evidence of your own eyes.

 

You are now in a Catch 22 situation - if you don't snoop there will always be suspicion that she is cheating on you. If you do, you have people telling you you are wrong and should trust her. But how can you trust someone who has lied and tried to fool you? It's all very well for them - they are not the ones being lied to and it isn't their partner's acting in this way.

 

I understand that you love her but that doesn't mean you have to allow her to make a fool of you or allow others to encourage you to let her.

[Glowguy]

And that kind of past info is so irrelevant.

 

Well it's obviously irrelevant to you but can you say for sure it is to your husband? That is why it's called a lie of omission. You are withholding things from your SO so you don't have to deal with any adverse reaction.

[mrjoeblow78]

The issue isn't her sexual past it's her current behavior (lying, hiding you from co-workers, and spending time inappropiately with exes). Don't let her spin this and make you out to be the bad guy here. I doubt she has been faithful based on her sketchy behavior. Do you think she would tell you if she had cheated?

 

Come on, you know it's relevant to tell your boyfriend that the guys house you're sleeping over at is someone you used to sleep with. You know she knows it. You're just choosing to pretend to believe her lie so you can stay together.

 

How exactly, practically, do you plan to trust someone who lies to you?

 

I have to agree with those who feel you are being duped. It's all very well to say you choose to trust her but you are basically denying the evidence of your own eyes.

 

You are now in a Catch 22 situation - if you don't snoop there will always be suspicion that she is cheating on you. If you do, you have people telling you you are wrong and should trust her. But how can you trust someone who has lied and tried to fool you?

 

See, here's where I'm choosing to take comfort from the snooping I did, and actually using it to build a case that I can trust her. I read text messages and/or emails between her and each guy I was suspicious about, and while I did find out that she had past relationships with them, I found no smoking gun to indicate they did anything when she met up with them while we have been together. If something went down between her and them, surely I'd find something right? Something either romantic or sexual or suspicious. Instead I found texts indicating that she turned down her old boss's advances when he was here, normal chit-chat texts between her and the weed-growing guy from right before and right after she went to his place, and some texts showing she was unable to meet up with Gary. There was literally nothing I read from the time we've been together to indicate I need to be worried about her and them.

 

She may have hid their past relationships from me, but she could have done that for any number of reasons (she could be embarrassed, doesn't want to be judged, doesn't want me to freak out, etc.). The important thing though is that it appears nothing happened with any of them at a time when she could have easily gotten away with it.

[tattoobunnie]

Well it's obviously irrelevant to you but can you say for sure it is to your husband? That is why it's called a lie of omission. You are withholding things from your SO so you don't have to deal with any adverse reaction.

 

Okay, so let's say you dated someone for week or a month 10 years ago, and you can barely remember them...does it matter?

 

The guy came to our wedding. It's is irrelevant. It's one thing if I'm lying about where I am going, or I am cheating on my partner. It's quite another to tell him about things that make zero difference in the bond of our relationship. My hubby has a past too...in fact, he also dated my own friend right after me 16 years ago for several years, and I do not hold him against it. And in fact, no he doesn't tell me. His mom tries to cuz tell me things, which I always tell her, "I don't care!"...if you keep your past in the present, your past will be your present. I believe that you can be anyone you want, and it is important to be loving, forgiving, and able to pick yourself up no matter how many times you get knocked down. I believe in moving forward with your life.

 

There are so many things that are a need to know basis. What difference would it make it I pointed out someone I made-out with drunkenly a few years ago. Would that make us more solid? Um...no. That's unneccessary. I also guarantee that no one contributing to this thread has ever let their partner read all their texts, emails, journals, and scrolled through their phonecalls, and listed out every single one of their hook-ups to someone they've only dated for a few months.

 

And when we get back to the OP, I guarantee he has yet to share all of his hook-ups, relationships, dates.

[Glowguy]

Hey it's your life but I bet that this will blow up in your face. It's easy to say that you 'choose to trust her' but it doesn't work like that. You clearly do not trust her since you have been snooping. I would dump a girl for far less than what she has done. She is showing no respect to you and frankly is behaving like she is ashamed of you. If that's what you want in a partner then by all means stick to your decision. I guess some people need the smoking gun to really throw in the towel. I think you already have it.

[DN]

Well, I hope all this works out for you. I would not want to be in your position but good luck anyway.

[eternalsunrise]

I can see that you're holding on to hope that this was a one-time bump in the road for you two, and that things will be better from here on out. I hope so, man, I do. But I think you know that where there's smoke there's fire. It's not just one man that she still talks to as friends, it's several. Seems like there will be another issue with this girl. I wonder if these guys know that she's in a relationship with you. I wonder if she keeps guy friends who don't know about you and make moves on her. Chances are that if you opt to come along next time she's gonna hang out with any of these guys, she'll be against it! If she actually is faithful to you, there should be no reason why you can't meet those guys. You might wanna ask her today if she'd have any issue with you hanging out with them too. If she hesitates at all or flips out, hon, you got your answer.

[pl3asehelp]

I like to have fun when I'm single too, I don't see how that's relevant at all to this thread unless you think fun means sleeping around and then continuing to spend time with those people while you mislead your husband about who they are. You can have fun going on a hike or a bike ride. I promise you if your husband knew you slept with 3 other men on that boat he would not have had a good time that day. It's not up to you to decide if he gets to feel awkward or not or what is relevant or not. Basically, you are the same as the OP gf. You think you get to decide who knows what based on your wishes. You're forcing your husband to live in a false reality you've created for him because it suits you. Doing him like Jim Carey in the Truman Show.

[tattoobunnie]

I'm happy. He's happy. And nope, he doesn't need to know I made out with someone a few years ago, just cuz we were on a boat together. That's weird, guy. I guess I haven't gotten scorned over some dude hooking up with his exes, cuz I've learned to not be paranoid about what my partners in the past have done, or my hubby cuz I trust him.

 

I have done the snooping thing, and all it did was destroy. If my best friend in the whole wide world, family, lover, partner, decided not to tell me something, it truly is their own business. And I respect their privacy. I don't judge them for not telling me everything under the sun, and I love them, and would do anything for them. I truly believe if you really respected someone, you give them the space to tell you things on the own time and level of comfort. And not accuse them of being horrendous liars in the meantime. You know, my friend didn't want to ruin my wedding, so instead of telling me she was getting a double-masectomy, I heard it through our mutual friend. And even though I tried to ask her about it, and she didn't want to talk about it at the time...and do you think I flipped out on her telling her she's a horrible friend for not telling me? No. I love her. Instead I visited her after the surgery, and got her flowers.

 

Telling me about something they did years ago is not an emergency. If it makes zero difference in our relationship (it's not like a child they don't know about), then what does it really matter.

 

There is also such a thing as tactfullness. I think communicating, setting up expectations, and giving people the benefit of a doubt is the best way to go. So don't judge the OP, the girl, or me because we choose to move forward, not backward. I guarantee you haven't disclose every single one of your past dates, hook-ups, kisses, etc. with your partner.

[lostandhurt]

Joe,

 

Best of luck to you and your gf. From what you have said you are not okay with her spending time alone with guys she used to have sex with and from what she says she thinks it is perfectly okay to do just that. The funny thing is if it was so okay with her then why didn't she just tell you. She had plenty of chances and even continued to lie about it until you basically drug it out of her.

 

This comes down to the fact that you have a gf that likes to spend time alone with men she used to bang and thinks it is okay.

 

Bunnie,

If you were spending time with old friends WITH your husband there that you were once intimate with is one thing. Spending time ALONE with these same men and not revealing that to your husband is wrong. If you think those men only see you as a friend you don't know anything about how the male mind works. They are looking at you and remembering all the things you did together, how you looked and the things you did to them. Relationships are built on Love and Respect.

Good luck Joe and maybe this can be your "Do Over"

 

Lost

[mrjoeblow78]

Yeah, she says she has no problem with me meeting these guys, and indicates that I'll meet them eventually.

 

Months ago, when she wanted to spend the day with the weed-growing guy and come back the next morning, and I told her I wasn't comfortable with that because I never met the guy. She said she understood, so she made it a day trip instead, and said that once I meet him, I'll realize I have nothing to worry about. The guy lives out in the middle of no where though, so he's not around much. She's told me she's talked with him about me and he wants to meet me. She's tried to arrange meetings with him where I can meet him, but the guy is just usually out of town, or only in town very briefly.

 

Her old boss lives 3000 miles away on the east coast, so he's usually not around either. I got the feeling this 2-3 hour dinner/drinks meeting was the first time they saw each other in at least 2 or 3 years, and it was only because he was out here on business in a nearby town. She's told me she's told him about me, and he said he's happy for her.

 

Gary, who I already know because I used to work with him, also now lives 3000 miles away in Florida, so he's never around either, though, as I said, there'd be no point in meeting him, because I know him already.

[Miss Firecracker]

So if you're happy being her back door man, I guess that's your choice. Good luck.

[pl3asehelp]

He's happy only because he's living in a false reality you created. It's like you're the director of a movie creating a false world where everything that exists and does not exist in it was chosen on purpose for a reason. The movie you're directing is called Happy Marriage and your husband is just an oblivious actor. You're disrespecting him by ignoring the fact that he has right to decide things for himself. All the things you say don't matter or aren't relevant are decisions you are making without even giving your husband the chance to decide for himself like an adult.

[tattoobunnie]

Exes, men, people I've kissed, strangers...they can picture all they want, but it doesn't mean I picture these things. I haven't hung out with these men alone, but my hubby does business with one of them, and the guy is also happily involved with someone else.

 

I'm also pregnant and due next month with my hubby's and our first child...so btw, "I kissed that guy years ago!" I guess with that statement, we'll be stronger and better and it's much more important and pivotal despite the fact that I having OUR first child. (I'm being sarcastic!)

 

People get so stuck on the menial, when the big picture is what keeps us growing.

 

Joe...good luck. I'm glad you are trying to rational about things. And not pursecute her for things she did years ago. Always remember...you take a chance on them...they take a chance on you. Trust works both ways.

[eternalsunrise]

hmm. well, I hope things work out for you. I know you wanna go on faith right now, and that's all good. But just be cautious.

[tattoobunnie]

He's happy only because he's living in a false reality you created. It's like you're the director of a movie creating a false world where everything that exists and does not exist in it was chosen on purpose for a reason. The movie you're directing is called Happy Marriage and your husband is just an oblivious actor. You're disrespecting him by ignoring the fact that he has right to decide things for himself. All the things you say don't matter or aren't relevant are decisions you are making without even giving your husband the chance to decide for himself like an adult.

 

Decide what? He's not insecure about what I did in the past, and we both literally believe that we both don't care to share every detail about our past. The main difference here is that we both talked about that, believe in it, and agreed on it. Whereas the OP snooped around, found things, then started flipping out...and instead of directly asking her about things without disclosing how he found out about it, he then snooped more an more until he exploded, got drunk, and then they duked it out.

 

And now, instead of encouraging the OP to really confront things, and get clear with things, we call her a giant liar, a cheater, and un-girlfriend material. And now that he finally did clear things up with her, instead of respecting his decision to move forward, we call him a fool.

 

For me, life is too short. It's either you want to be with them, or you don't.

[Glowguy]

Bunnie, you are taking our words and distorting them to fit your agenda. No one on this thread is suggesting that we write down lists and disclose every single romantic entanglement we've ever had. However, spending time with people you have had a sexual history without your SO being involved and keeping them in the dark about it is wrong IMO. That is crossing a line. I'm not taking issue with her past at all, just the fact that she is lying and still spending time on these guys. That is what is damaging the relationship not her past.

[tattoobunnie]

She hung out with ONE of them a few months ago. And sent a few texts to another one. And she even clarified that she dated the one she hung out with after the OP asked a few days ago, after he found emails they exchanged from two years ago.

 

Wow...she's so scandalous! A few months ago, they had just started dating.

[DN]

Moderator Note: please don't derail the thread and make it about tatoobunnie and her situation.

[penelope13]

Just because the majority of people agree on certain opinions doesn't make these particular opinions the only valid ones - it's just the majority.

 

If you have decided for yourself that you don't want your partner interacting in any way with a former lover without informing you about every nuance of a past interaction - fine, your choice, your right.

 

However, just because that is what you ( the general you, noone in particular) have chosen doesn't give you the right to tell someone else that their set of values is not admissable if it works for them and their partner. You may be disbelieving, but who are you to tell someone that you know their partner better than they do themselves.

 

I've never dated anyone who requested that I needed to tell them every detail about my past even with the people I interact regardless if I was interacting with them while my partner was around or not - and I have no issues with my partner interacting with any females and I don't expect him either to tell me if he has or hasn't slept with them at some point because that information wouldn't make one bit of difference either way. I don't share the believe that an ex is a bigger risk that my partner (or I) would cheat. I trust that my partner is able and willing to stop any advances from a female regardless if she is an ex or someone new in his life. If he wants to cheat - there is nothing in the world I could do to stop him. The only person who can stop him is he himself. I could be stranded in the middle of nowhere, with an ex, without my partner - I would never consider cheating on him.

 

In the meantime, while I have no tangible proof of him cheating on me, it's not worth working myself into anxiety and worries about the possibility of him cheating. And to the best of my knowledge I have never been cheated on (considering that I am long term friends with most of my exes I'd know by now if they are the cheating kind).

[diamond78]

I think people's opinions on this is getting a bit twisted here. I don't think the issue is divulging your entire dating history. It's more about divulging that information when it is completely relevant to do so.

 

Making plans to stay overnight with a person you once had a sexual relationship with in the past is very much so relevant information for one's partner to know just simply out of respect for that partner. That piece of information is important and should be disclosed so that a person can decide if they are okay with such an arragement. Most people would not be okay with it.

 

That scenario is nowhere near the same as everyone all hanging out together in a public setting. One scenario has nothing to do with the other and are not comparable.

 

 

OP,

 

I believe your girlfriend is being faithful to you, but what is troubling to me is that she is not a honest person even when the truth has been placed right in front of her. When she sat there and denied ever receiving that text from the old boss is what set me off. Why continue to hide and outright lie about the text? THAT is what is most troubling here - How easy it is for her to deny and lie and it is something you should be concerned about. Some people are more secretive/private than others, but to not be forthcoming even when the truth is being brought out is a bit disconcerting. All of this, plus her willingness to hide you from her company party. Well, let's just say she has made a few choices that are quite questionable here and should not be easily ignored.