Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[mrjoeblow78]

Stop spying on her or break up. Now that you feel she was truthful, you need to be too.

 

I don't know that I'd consider her completely truthful. She definitely neglected to tell me things and dealt in some half-truths, but I guess she had her reasons. I do now feel she has been faithful though, which is a HUGE relief.

 

As for telling her that I snooped...not going to happen. It's messed-up, I know, and perhaps unfair, especially from the perspective of someone on the outside. But that will do the relationship no good. What will do it good is for me to get over my trust issues, which I think I'm in a better position to do now.

[Seraphim]

If you snoop again though you know you have set a pattern for yourself and you will have to deal with it.

[mrjoeblow78]

Interesting side-note I forgot to mention originally.

 

When I did my original snooping, she had a email folder named "Important". Inside were a bunch of emails about login/passwords to various sites, mostly for billing and whatnot. But the most recent email in that folder was account information to a lesbian porn site. It was from October of last year, this was during the time we've been together, probably 3 months in. At first I laughed, but then I started thinking about it. She evidently thought enough about it to move the message to her "Important" folder. So this wasn't random spam or something. It just so happens that I have a very good memory, so I was able to login to the lesbian site with her username and password. I wasn't sure what to expect, but the site shows your account activity, like what videos you watched or liked etc. It showed that she only watched 4 videos, all from October, all of the lesbian variety.

 

I hung out with her this weekend, and we actually went to a barbeque of one her lesbian friends. There were a lot of lesbians there, as well as straight guys and gals, and we had a good time. On the way back, I playfully asked if any of the lesbians hit on her. She laughed and said no. I joked that that was too bad, as I'd love to watch. She said that was good to know, but that she "likes sausage" and she wouldn't know how to go about pleasing a woman despite owning the same equipment.

 

Anyhoo....not sure what to make of that, or if it means anything. As it is, I think it's kind of funny.

[Seraphim]

So now you are using her passwords looking into her sites?????? Really, just break up already.

[mrjoeblow78]

So now you are using her passwords looking into her sites?????? Really, just break up already.

 

This was during the original snooping episode. No new snooping has occurred.

[lostandhurt]

I know you intend on staying with her but I think it is time for a long talk between you two if this relationship is to have any chance.

 

You are killing yourself to stay with her. Snooping, feeling guilty, wondering where she is at and on and on.

 

Why can't you go with her to the fund raiser anyways? Just don't mention where you met is all. How hard is that?

 

The facts remain that she has no problem keeping ex's around and spending time alone with them. This bothers you and is eating you up inside. How much longer can you last?

 

I find it interesting that most if not all of the people that didn't see any problem with keeping old ex's around where women. I am pretty sure the men know what men think. The "Coming on to strong" comment shows what the old boss was thinking when they agreed to meet. SEX

 

I wish you the best Joe but you need to stop snooping one way or another. There may come a time when you will find what you don't want to find...

 

Lost

[tattoobunnie]

I don't know what happened to you that you feel so entitled to invade her privacy like this. Now that you've found things about her without her permission, after you've only been together for such a short amount of time (6 months is not long).

 

Have you ever stopped to think, how would you feel if she got to read all of your emails from 5 years ago, your journal, all your texts, listened to all your phonecalls, and let her translate and interpret everything on her own? Take every irrelevant thing that no longer applies to your life or a bit does, and twist it so you sound like this awful, deceitful liar. What you are doing is so disrespectful. She is not your wife, long term partner, or child. What's hers in NOT YOURS.

 

It's either you let things go now (and move forward), or just break-up (cuz you obviously can't trust her one bit). This type of behavior can easily turn into following and stalking.

[mrjoeblow78]

I see your point, and am glad to hear it. I kind of went down the rabbit hole without realizing it. I was suspicious, but never thought about snooping. Then she left her email open, and I couldn't help myself. But what I found only deepened my existing suspicions, and opened up new ones. So I doubled-down and snooped again on her phone, hoping to find definitive proof that either she cheated, attempted to cheat, or didn't cheat. What I found the 2nd time seemed to prove that she didn't cheat, so I'm fairly content with that. There's still some strange goings-on that raise my eyebrows, but I don't plan on snooping again.

[BryanPain]

It's a dark path your headed down. So you looked, and found some disturbing things. Now you are convinced there must be more. Trust me, you will start to distrust every glance and every casual comment. You. May find yourself obsessing over some stupid discrepancy, white lie, undisclosed phone call, whatever. You may also become so distrustful and over bearing that she will begin to resent you, grow tired of the questions and really start to wonder who you really are. In the end, you could easily force the person away who you most wanted to stay with you in the first place.

 

If you love her, make sure she knows it and give her every reason to love you back. If you really don't love her, let it go and save yourself a lot of heartache. If, at the end, you find she really wasn't as into you as you thought, or were led to believe, then it will end and you will go your separate ways. Agonizing over it won't change the outcome, and if it does it will be for the worse, but agonizing over it will most certainly make your life miserable.

[journeynow]

A couple of days went by, and then she told me that she wasn't sure if I should come to a charity function her new company is putting together. I was puzzled and asked why. She said she worried that people might ask how we met, and I'd reveal that we met at work (her old job). She said she didn't want people at her new company to know that she's dating someone she used to work with

 

There's a theme of secrecy here.

 

A possible response might be: "Really? Are you keeping me a secret from your co-workers? How long are you going to do that? It makes me wonder...Is there anyone you are keeping secret from me?"

 

(Could lead to a discussion about openness, secrecy, trust, distrust....and what direction you want to take this relationship in that department.)

[mrjoeblow78]

Very well said. I agree with it. It's just a hell of a mind-bender I've been on recently, and I'm trying to work through it.

[mrjoeblow78]

There's a theme of secrecy here.

 

A possible response might be: "Really? Are you keeping me a secret from your co-workers? How long are you going to do that? It makes me wonder...Is there anyone you are keeping secret from me?"

 

(Could lead to a discussion about openness, secrecy, trust, distrust....and what direction you want to take this relationship in that department.)

 

Exactly. It's just weird. I mean, I've met LOTS of her friends, all of her real close friends, met her family, we actually traveled for Christmas and stayed at her parent's house. She's never failed to introduce me as her boyfriend to any of these people.

 

Some related information:

 

I understood the desire to keep our relationship a secret when we worked at the same company. She didn't want people at work talking about her personal life and whatnot. At least that was the stated reason she gave me, so I went along with it. But now that she's at a new company, I figured there's no reason to keep us a secret. To be fair, she has told people at her new job that she has a boyfriend, and I did actually meet 3 of her new co-workers when we went out to dinner and they showed up at the same place, and she didn't hesitate to introduce me as her boyfriend.

 

Now, the thing about this new company is that they have many get-togethers where alcohol is involved. When she traveled for the company during her first month, they had a sort of hazing ritual where they try to get everybody drunk the night before, then make them show up at 7am sharp for a meeting the next day. It sounded way stupid to me, but she drank plenty, and then was 15 mins late to the 7am meeting. For this crime, they really put a scare into her saying that she put her job in jeopardy, and that it was unacceptable, particularly because they told everyone beforehand that they must show up to this meeting on time no matter what. She said that other people came in after her, and others didn't show up at all, so she wasn't alone, but that management was pissed. I told her I thought it was lame, and they were probably just trying to scare her and really hammer home who's in charge and what's expected. Anyway, she was genuinely freaked out by the experience.

 

So now, there's this fundraiser coming up organized by the company. There's going to be lots of alcohol, and it sound like everyone is going to get smashed. And she basically told me she wasn't comfortable with me being there because people might ask how we met, and if I told the truth and said we met at work, she felt that her new bosses or co-workers might frown upon that and view her as unprofessional. I told her that I didn't follow that line of reasoning, that it puzzled me and didn't make sense. She could tell my demeanor changed over the phone and tried to reassure me that it had nothing to do with me or us or anything other than her hypersensitivity to what her new co-workers might think of her. I told her that if she didn't want me to go, I wouldn't go, and tried to not sound too concerned. But she could still tell I was upset and/or confused, but we left things like that and haven't talked about it since. The fundraiser is next weekend, we're supposed to go to a concert the night before, then she'll get up early and go to the fundraiser. I don't know, I almost want to show up and just observe from a distance what's going on. I mean it's a big fundraiser featuring hundreds of people at a public beach, what's the harm in showing up? I don't think I'll do that though.

[Miss Firecracker]

Why would people start digging about your relationship when you say hi at a fundraiser? She's full of it. If she doesn't want to tell that, she doesn't have to.

[lostandhurt]

Wait a minute..

She is worrying that THEY will think she is unprofessional? You mean the same people that had her get smashed, hazed her and threatened her job? Really???

 

This new job seems more like a frat than a business.

 

So lets say she stays at this company for 10 years. You are not going to go to ANY functions in 10 years? I think it will look worse if her bf doesn't show at any events then if you met at work. By the way what is the big deal if you met at work? You were both single and neither one of you were each others boss right? It happens all the time.

Ask her what she tells her coworkers when they ask how you two met. If she freely tells everyone she has a bf then it must come up right?

 

Sounds like a load of BS to me. Don't just show up at the event either. Tell her you are going with her or don't go at all. This sneaking around crap has to stop.

 

Lost

[pl3asehelp]

She's worried about her reputation at work? Really? Wasn't her reputation at her last job 'the chick that sucked Gary's ****'? I think her strategy for managing her image at work is failing if that's the reputation she's cultivating. Your self-esteem is going to be destroyed by this woman.

[journeynow]

Following this, and reading another of your threads, I agree her behavior is questionable and thoughtless. I would talk to her about it, and also be prepared and have a plan if she doesn't change.

[mrjoeblow78]

Well...got some more information:

 

Ok, as I said in my initial post, the 1st snooping episode uncovered 2 new guys to worry about, the weed-growing guy, and the guy that used to be her old boss (in addition to the guy I was most concerned about, Gary). The last email I saw from her old boss was from 3 years ago (2008), and in that email he was apologizing for hurting her some time back and saying he still loved her. This same guy briefly visited a few weeks back (we're talking for only 2-3 hours), which was probably the first time they've seen each other in years. She told me she was going to have dinner/drinks with him, and described him as her former boss and mentor, and nothing else. After I snooped the first time, I got freaked out, and confronted her about the Gary rumor. During that discussion I said I'd hope she'd tell me about any relationships she had with guys she wished to have drinks with. I threw out some names, and she admitted to having a previous relationship with the weed-growing guy. I stopped short about asking her about the guy that used to be her boss, happy that she was belatedly forthcoming about the weed-growing guy.

 

A few days later, I snooped a 2nd time on her phone, and reviewed text messages to/from the guy who was her old boss. It started out innocently enough with the two of them making plans to meet for dinner. Then on the night they met up, she said bye to him saying she was glad they could meet for dinner/drinks and wished him a safe flight home. He responded by saying, "You're just as beautiful as I remember. Sorry if I came on too strong, I just got caught up thinking about old memories." Then a few days later, he texted her saying he was excited because he met a new girl. She responded saying she was happy for him. So it seemed to me, he came on to her, she rebuffed him, he left, apologized, and they went back into friend mode.

 

The morning after the 2nd snooping episode, when I awoke next to her after a pretty sleepless night, I told her I had a bad dream. She asked if it was related to what I confronted her about a couple days ago. I said yeah. She asked if it was Gary in the dream. I said no. I said I didn't know who the guy was, but I got the sense it was someone she used to work with. She said that her she just had dinner with her old boss, and asked if that's who it was. I said I didn't know because I couldn't remember what the guy looked like. She said "hmmm", like she was puzzled or almost impressed that my subconscious picked up this past relationship, but didn't continue down the path of talking about him. Instead, we talked a bit, and she said the dream was probably my subconscious trying to work through the Gary rumor, and she hoped it would pass soon.

 

A few days ago, we were looking through photos on her laptop going back a number of years, past Christmases, parties, that sort of thing. She had to meet her girlfriends for brunch, so she left, and I continued looking through the photos a little bit. I went back to a folder from 2006, and low and behold, there were a number of pictures of her and her old boss celebrating Christmas with her family, dressed up for a night out, etc. So it seemed to me that they were a pretty serious item back then, at least serious enough to take him back to meet her family.

 

So, fast-forward to Valentines Day (yesterday). The day started off weird as she texted me around lunch saying she got a call from her apartment's intercom system (it's hooked up to ring her phone) and that flowers were delivered to her apartment, and she asked if I got her flowers. I went pale, and there was a long pause in our texting before I finally responded with "No, I planned on bringing you flowers later, but didn't order any for delivery. I feel like an idiot now because some guy is stealing my thunder.". She said no, it was probably just the wrong apartment then because her intercom system is hard to use (it isn't). I was feeling sick, but tried to joke around saying "I doubt that, I bet you have plenty of suitors lining up to win your affection." I don't think she understood my attempt at humor though, because she responded with "You need to stop, now." But I said "No seriously, you're a catch, it doesn't surprise me at all." She then abruptly said she had to go to a meeting. A couple of nervous hours went by, then I texted her and said "I hope you didn't misinterpret my texts, I was trying to joke around and it was meant to be complimentary." She said she was ok. I said "I re-read my texts and can see how they might be misinterpreted." She said she saw that too, but knew that wasn't my intent. So we met up after work, I brought her flowers, and we found out the delivery earlier in the day wasn't flowers, but her wine-of-the-month package of bottled wines. I was immensely relieved.

 

So later on Valentines Day, as me and my girlfriend are cooking in the kitchen, her old boss texted her saying he was getting ready to call this new girl but was super nervous. This was NOT me snooping mind you, she was sharing this information freely. She even showed me the texts, and it was at the end of the same thread of texts where if she scrolled up, I'd see the one where he apologized for coming on too strong. She didn't scroll up though. But then she once again described this guy as merely being her mentor and old boss. She says they used to smoke out on occasion, but again portrayed the relationship as nothing but friends/mentor like relationship. I maintained a poker face.

 

So she lied about this guy to me again. I'm trying to think about why she did it. I think she may be ashamed that she was involved with her old boss, or maybe she saw how I freaked about the rumor about Gary (and the flower episode), and wanted reassure me that nothing went on with this guy. I don't know. I don't think she lied because she did secretly desires him or because they did something when he was here, because the text messages seem to show that nothing happened, if anything she turned him down. Yet, she still lied.

 

Then, a darker thought entered my head. Let's think about this. She was rumored to have been with Gary. Then we were together. Then I find out she was involved with her old boss....I'm seeing a pattern of her being involved with people she works with. Now she suddenly doesn't want me to come to this new company fundraiser, but says that there's going to be heavy drinking involved and that she's going to try and bring some co-workers back to her place to see the view from her apartment. Is she trying to get with a new guy from work? Is she the type that sleeps her way to the top? It kills me that these thoughts even enter my mind, but there they are...

[Miss Firecracker]

I think you're about to see the light.

[DN]

Never trust a liar.

[Minx2012]

I don't think the point here is snooping. If we were all given a chance to snoop into our significant other's password protected e-mail or FB inbox, we would all do it. The point is that she has underplayed the nature of her relationships with these men and goes off on trips to smoke weed, in the middle of nowhere, with some guy that her boyfriend has very little information about. What kind of a woman does this? Yeah, yeah, some of you can say, " A very independent woman ".......ok, fine, but seriously, even independent women have the sense and the knack to say, " Look, I'm sorry to say but I've had a very sexual relationship with this guy. It's over now. Either you can accept the fact that I still hang out with him or we'll just have to call it quits ".

[Seraphim]

Well they are both liars in this case and should not trust each other.

[lostandhurt]

This is spinning out of control.

 

Time to sack up and just ask her if she had sex with her old boss.

 

I feel so bad for you and I hope you will take off your rose colored glasses and see what is going on here.

 

Let's say you never snooped and only knew what is going on other than that. This is all vey bad.

 

Face your fear and ask her direct questions and if she lies to you call her on it.

 

Lost

[journeynow]

Face your fear and ask her direct questions and if she lies to you call her on it.

I agree with this ^

 

How long do you want invest in your uncertainty and distrust?

[tattoobunnie]

You dig deep enough into anyone's past, and you'll always be knee deep in poo.

 

You don't trust her...and you don't want to remedy why you are constantly invading her privacy...you ever hear of self-fulfilling prophecy? You're about to get there by your own dillusions. You don't respect her choices, her requests, her privacy...I hope you break up, so she can be with someone who appreciates her, and doesn't read her texts, emails, snoops through her computer, her web browsing history, hounds her for things she did 2 to 6 years ago, and is making her sound like this horrendous person.

 

Stop playing a victim. If you honestly think she's this liar, break up with her today, or just move forward and stop OCing over her past. So what if she doesn't tell you she dated her old boss years ago...you think I detail every relationship to my husband and rub pics of them in his face?

[mrjoeblow78]

This is spinning out of control.

 

Time to sack up and just ask her if she had sex with her old boss.

 

I feel so bad for you and I hope you will take off your rose colored glasses and see what is going on here.

 

Let's say you never snooped and only knew what is going on other than that. This is all vey bad.

 

Face your fear and ask her direct questions and if she lies to you call her on it.

 

Lost

 

Yeah, I think you're right. I had trouble sleeping last night (our night off), and was just playing out scenarios about confronting her. She's coming over to my place tonight, but only for a little bit. Then I leave town tomorrow, and she leaves town on Saturday, and we won't see each other till she comes back on Thursday. I'm supposed to pick her up from the airport on Thursday, then we're supposed to go to a concert on Friday, and then the next day is her fundraiser.

 

So the schedule is really tight, it's only 2 days after Valentine's Day, and she's only going to be here a short time tonight. The timings not ideal, but I feel like I need to do it tonight as I don't want to wait 7 days.

 

It's weird, she calls to wake me up on mornings we aren't together. We chat via IM or text during the day. She'll call when she gets off work. And on most days I'll head over to her place where we'll spend the evening and night together, then we'll head off to work the next morning, going are separate ways, and she'll even call during our respective commutes to work. I'm just having trouble squaring the person I see and talk to everyday, with the harsh/evil person she'd need to be to lie and cheat on me.