Seraphim Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 I agree if you have not told her every single lover you ever had and who you sent what to then it is not fair. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 He knew the entire time he was an ex fiance, but that is not the point. The point IS he does not see this as a big issue and that relationships that are in the past are in the PAST and his wife is with HIM, not this other dude and chose to make a life with HIM, so he does not feel threatened by it. Actually, that is the point here. Your brother got to talk to his wife and know that information, and decide that he is cool with it. Which is fine, good for him. But the point here is that OP was denied that information. His girlfriend decided to omit it from him to make her life easier so he wouldn't get upset (possibly) and they'd have to talk about it. In a way, she has lied because she's pretending these guys are "just old friends" without any romantic history, which isn't true. OP's girlfriend was not forthcoming and has a pattern of this. Therefore, I think it's in the OP's best interests to leave her before he gets any more attached. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 But why are people not allowed to have friends? As I said "equally yoked". If you don't want an ex to have friends which he already knew she had friends then just do not have a SO like that. Link to comment
camus154 Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 But why are people not allowed to have friends? As I said "equally yoked". If you don't want an ex to have friends which he already knew she had friends then just do not have a SO like that. He didn't know these guys were former lovers. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 But why are people not allowed to have friends? As I said "equally yoked". If you don't want an ex to have friends which he already knew she had friends then just do not have a SO like that. But the whole point is that they NEVER GOT TO TALK ABOUT IT. He had no idea that she was of a "different yoke" in this way until he snooped. She assumed that he'd probably freak or something, so she decided to omit information from the start and never allow them both to set boundaries. Instead of sitting down and talking it out early like adults. Had they done that, OP could have agreed with her and been okay, or left for someone who, as you said, is "equally yoked", and none of this would have happened. All of this just highlights why it's so important to be honest and forthright with your partner, and early too. So you can pinpoint problems when they arise, and leave earlier when you find "dealbreakers" or that you're just not compatible. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 It is also up to other person to also ask. Link to comment
mrjoeblow78 Posted February 6, 2012 Author Share Posted February 6, 2012 mrjoe, don't assume anything yet, it is making you miserable. You haven't answered my question, had you discussed exclusivity 4 months into the relationship? Have you named your former lovers so she'll know who they are? If you haven't had that kind of conversation, airing everything, then wait before you assume she's guilty of fooling around. Lord am I miserable at the moment...Yes, we agreed to be exclusive about two weeks into our relationship. We spent/spend most of our nights together. We've talked about former significant others and whatnot, usually without names though, just "this person I used to date". Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Lord am I miserable at the moment...Yes, we agreed to be exclusive about two weeks into our relationship. We spent/spend most of our nights together. We've talked about former significant others and whatnot, usually without names though, just "this person I used to date". Then have another talk and ask her to name names and you do as well. Tell her about the emails you saw and ask her outright if she cheated. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 (Edit. you answered my question. Thanks) Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Lord am I miserable at the moment... Understandable. Can you get out for a good walk or run, get some fresh air, clear your head? Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 It is also up to other person to also ask. Haha - yeah right, "I didn't lie because you weren't suspicious enough to ask me"... Great attitude sure to yield much success in relationships. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Haha - yeah right, "I didn't lie because you weren't suspicious enough to ask me"... Great attitude sure to yield much success in relationships. I feel this way too. Her: "Oh, I am going to go out with ..." Him: "Please tell me any and all romantic or sexual connections you have had with this man." Can you imagine doing that every time? I can't. I think most of the onus is on her to be upfront and tell her SO the guys that she has dated, and he needs to do the same. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 You see hundreds of threads here where people asked their SO how many lovers they had and who. I see them almost daily. Link to comment
mrjoeblow78 Posted February 6, 2012 Author Share Posted February 6, 2012 Yeah, I actually just left work, couldn't concentrate, told my boss I was feeling nauseous (which is kind of the truth), maybe some fresh air will do me good. I'm looking back at everything she's said or done, and thinking that she was playing me the whole time...I honestly don't think she could be that cruel, but it's kind of thrown everything into doubt. I don't know how to deal with this...it's weird too because I go from being super-upset and feeling sick, to being oddly rational about it, like I'm talking about someone else's situation, then the sick feeling comes back...it's like I can't fathom that it's over... Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 You see hundreds of threads here where people asked their SO how many lovers they had and who. I see them almost daily. It's very simple. If you are spending time alone with a man outside your relationships and he is an ex, you need to mention that to your partner first so he can decide if that's ok with him or not. It's not up to your partner to ask you if you've had a relationship with every single man you spend time with. You know your own history and it's up to you to point it out. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Yeah, I actually just left work, couldn't concentrate, told my boss I was feeling nauseous (which is kind of the truth), maybe some fresh air will do me good. I'm looking back at everything she's said or done, and thinking that she was playing me the whole time...I honestly don't think she could be that cruel, but it's kind of thrown everything into doubt. I don't know how to deal with this...it's weird too because I go from being super-upset and feeling sick, to being oddly rational about it, like I'm talking about someone else's situation, then the sick feeling comes back...it's like I can't fathom that it's over... You'll be WAY better off without someone with her values, if you can can call those values. She has no heart man, she'll absolutely ruin you. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Well I am not the one in question here, right? I am playing devil's advocate. However you all want to decide what is right for the entire universe. I am saying not everyone thinks the same, and they do not feel being a friend with an ex is a big issue. On a personal note I am never friends with an ex anything, I don't even look up ex friends I could care less. Link to comment
camus154 Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Well I am not the one in question here, right? I am playing devil's advocate. However you all want to decide what is right for the entire universe. I am saying not everyone thinks the same, and they do not feel being a friend with an ex is a big issue. It's just odds and common sense, Victoria. It has little to do with being friends with ex's and everything to do with history and patterns. And this chick has a clear habit of hanging out with friends who turn out to be former lovers. In the normal world of average odds, that's bad news no matter how you cut it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 It's just odds and common sense, Victoria. It has little to do with being friends with ex's and everything to do with history and patterns. And this chick has a clear habit of hanging out with friends who turn out to be former lovers. In the normal world of average odds, that's bad news no matter how you cut it. Well since you all think you are right for the entire world. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 I would have no problem throwing that little fish back into the pond. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Well I am not the one in question here, right? I am playing devil's advocate. However you all want to decide what is right for the entire universe. I am saying not everyone thinks the same, and they do not feel being a friend with an ex is a big issue. On a personal note I am never friends with an ex anything, I don't even look up ex friends I could care less. If you don't identify someone as an ex, how can your partner decide if it's a big issue to them or not? Step one in a relationship is honesty, which is lacking here. Once honesty has been established, then you can decide if your values match, but as long as one person is lying about who they are and what there values are, there's no chance. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 All they are are opinions folks, if you feel yours is more valuable you are entitled. But all anyone has is an OPINION. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 If it is true love then where is the truth? A lie by omission is still a lie. Does anyone here think these guys wouldn't go for it and sleep with her if they got half the chance? You know like maybe getting high all alone at their house or perhaps out for drinks and get a little tipsy. Joe, I have felt what you are feelling and it is the worst gut renching feeling imaginable. Your mind is spinning and you don't know what to do. If you can a long walk of drive might help. You do need to get your thought together before you talk to her. I feel for you bro Lost Link to comment
mrjoeblow78 Posted February 6, 2012 Author Share Posted February 6, 2012 If it is true love then where is the truth? A lie by omission is still a lie. Does anyone here think these guys wouldn't go for it and sleep with her if they got half the chance? You know like maybe getting high all alone at their house or perhaps out for drinks and get a little tipsy. Joe, I have felt what you are feelling and it is the worst gut renching feeling imaginable. Your mind is spinning and you don't know what to do. If you can a long walk of drive might help. You do need to get your thought together before you talk to her. I feel for you bro Lost I appreciate it man. It just sucks so much. I was just thinking how we see each other and have hung out nearly every night for the last 6 months, and how it all will probably end tonight when I confront her. We've gone on trips together, bought each other gifts...It's such a sucky feeling... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 I would look at the fact you have spent almost every single night together in 6 months and not just ASSUME. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.