Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[mrjoeblow78]

Couple of clarifications and other relevant information.

 

When I say I "let" her, I don't mean that she needed my permission or anything. She said that she wanted to have dinner with her old boss, I said cool, I'll do my own thing that night, and didn't think anything of it.

 

Next, the reason I snooped is because I know she was involved with a guy (let's call him Gary) in the past. Gary was a co-worker of mine, and told several people in the office that she blew him. That was all prior to us being together. She has since talked about Gary while we've been together, but always described him as just a friend. Gary has since moved far away, so I tried to let it go. But just recently, she was traveling for business near where Gary now lives, and said she'd try and meet up with him for dinner/drinks. I held my tongue and didn't say anything. Fortunately, it sounds like they never met up. But my suspicions were awakened.

 

So yeah, that's now 3 guys she's had drinks/dinner with (or attempted to), where she's failed to tell me the history of their relationships.

[digdug]

Anyway OP, the seed has been planted. You won't be able to trust this woman again, nor should you. The only option you have is to leave.

 

Agreed ....

 

Op didn't trust her enough to turn off the mail, yet found things that lead him to distrust her. She won't trust OP for looking at her email .... it's a black hole.

[replytome]

Seriously, RUN! Man, she sounds very promiscuous just like my ex. You guys clearly don't have the same principals and values, unless you too blew Gary? hehe, kidding.

 

Man, this will eat you alive if you stay with her.

 

Let me explain. If you question her she will get angry at you for not trusting her. You will feel bad and apologise. Things will be ok, but then you'll start wondering again. You'll question, she'll get mad. Everytime this happens your self esteem will take a hit because your mind and gut know that something is wrong, but your heart is trying to convince you that she's speaking the truth.

 

End result, you'll become needy, controlling and possibly abusive. She will become abusive too. You'll stop having a life beside her, because you'll spend all your time with her because you don't know what she'll do if you don't. You'll constantly feel anxious and depressed. She will dump you because you're no longer attractive to her because you're too needy etc. She'll jump in bed with a colleague she convinced you she wasn't interested in.

[camus154]

The more you say, OP, the more I think your girlfriend is the type who likes keeping in contact with old flames for a very good reason.

 

I must revise my previous answer of walk away to now read--Run Like Hell.

[EgoJoe]

OP: You need to talk someone in person and vent this, therapist, father or good friend.

[Day_Walker]

Sorry but you don't send vag and breast photos to your 'friends', nor talk about s*cking their c*cks.

 

She told the OP the guy was "just a friend", probably so he wouldn't be suspicious when she decided to go stay with him a couple of days. I'd frankly be tempted to contact the guy behind her back and find out the truth. Maybe that guy doesn't even know she has a bf.

 

She previously did those things, she didnt do them in the relationship with the OP. The pictures and her desires predated the relationship with the OP. Her motivation is unknown, she could have no interest in the guy or she could have went away for some nookie. The problem is that these are just guesses.

[mrjoeblow78]

OP: You need to talk someone in person and vent this, therapist, father or good friend.

 

Ain't that the truth....I'm shaking as I write this.

 

I'm strategizing about how to confront her. I think I'll ask her about Gary first, because I didn't come by that information through snooping and won't have to reveal that I snooped. After we talk about Gary, I'll ask if there was anyone else she's been involved with that I should know about. Maybe I'll specifically ask about the weed-growing guy, because I expressed my concern about him before she went to meet him.

 

No matter what though, I just don't see anyway around ending it. It sucks so bad because we were talking about moving in together and whatnot. But I just don't think I can trust her after this.

 

This sucks!

[journeynow]

Ok, thanks for clarifying. I was thinking that it's early in your relationship, and not all relationships are committed ones so soon, and I couldn't tell from your post.

 

She might have cheated, or she might simply be friends with old flames. Is it important for you that your girlfriends share their relationship history early in your relationship, and have you done so with her? I'm not saying you're wrong, maybe she's cheated, maybe not. She could very well cheat without being open about meeting these men, so she's not hiding them from you. So in that way, I think it could be nothing, just dinner, just a drink, just a visit. If that's not ok with you when they are ex's, I get that, and maybe it's cause for a discussion, and not automatically a deal breaker.

[lostandhurt]

Okay I just read all your threads about this girl.

 

While reading them I started thinking you have some issues but as I read I realized that yes you do have some issues but she is causing them to be multiplied by 10 times.

 

She is 37 and never married and no children I would guess? The thing is and it may not be fair to her but if it walk like a duck and quacks like a duck then it usually IS a duck.

 

I am sorry. I know you love this women but go back and read your own words about her. The unhappiness, her job history, the length of her longest relationship, her lack of honesty with you and worst of all keeping old bf around and telling you they are "friends" If you add all this up is doesn't look very good.

 

Lost

[DN]

She lied about the nature of her relationship with these men - that's all you need to know.

[tattoobunnie]

My husband doesn't know the names of any of my exes, or have met them, and I refer to them as friends to not make him feel weird. And boy, did I have dirty sex with my previous guys. And you know what, I wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole now! She may honestly just see these people as friends, so why would she need to air anything out if she has zero intentions of ever hooking up with them again. I have two of them as Facebook friends. And one, I've known for more than a decade.

 

Did you ever ask her, tell me about your exes? It's one thing if you have, and you caught her lying about it. It's another thing, if you'll never asked.

 

OP, when you snoop, you find things that will drive anyone insane, since there is no way to back it up with questions with the person you snooped on. Unless she's been shady with you, or she's a stinker, I think you need to let the past be in the past. I doubt you are completely without a past as well.

[sandrawg]

You just proved my point. Obviously, people like Day_Walker are glossing over the details..

 

No reason to believe she's anything more than friends with these guys? Uh.....are you reading the same thread as the rest of us?

[sandrawg]

Uh, the difference here Bunny, is that she went off to stay with the one guy, alone, whom she didn't give him full details about.

 

Do you do that with your exes??

 

My husband doesn't know the names of any of my exes, or have met them. And boy, did I have dirty sex with my previous guys. And you know what, I wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole now! She may honestly just see these people as friends, so why would she need to air anything out if she has zero intentions of ever hooking up with them again. I have two of them as Facebook friends. And one, I've known for more than a decade.

 

OP, when you snoop, you find things that will drive anyone insane, since there is no way to back it up with questions with the person you snooped on. Unless she's been shady with you, or she's a stinker, I think you need to let the past be in the past. I doubt you are completely without a past as well.

[Seraphim]

Some people do have exes as friends. Some people choose not to. If you are one of the people who choose not to have an ex as a friend it is probably better to hook up with someone who thinks the same way.

[SmilingKatty]

I think, that there are two possibilities:

- she is really stupid (leaving the e-mail opened when so much personal stuff relating to the present is in it?!?)

- she does not feel like she has to hide any kind of secrets (leaving a mailbox opened really is stupid, but less so if it does not include a terrible secret about her cheating)

[tattoobunnie]

I thought she hung out to smoke up for a few hours, then came home. Well, I don't smoke...but I do hang out with dudes. She went to zone out in the country for a bit. Hanging out with people of the opposite sex does not equal run around naked getting it on.

 

If she had anything to hide, she would not be leaving her email logged in (at all!).

[pl3asehelp]

Uh, the difference here Bunny, is that she went off to stay with the one guy, alone, whom she didn't give him full details about.

 

Do you do that with your exes??

 

Exactly.....

 

She lied by omission - didn't even say these guys were ex's or that there was ever anything to their relationship other than friendships. If you are someone who for some crazy reason needs to keep people like this in your life, you need to be honest with your partner about the fact that there is a history that includes more than platonic friendship so the other partner can decide if it's acceptable to them for you to continue spending alone time with people like this. Apparently this is a pattern for OP's girl. Trust me OP, there's no point with this one - don't even bother confronting her - she will just attack you for it.

[camus154]

Let's consider facts:

 

1. She wanted to meet an "old colleague" for dinner, who turned out to be a former lover.

2. She wanted to "clear her head" by running off for the day to smoke weed with who turned out to be a former lover.

3. She was trying to hook up with another work colleague while in town who by rumor is also a former lover.

 

You guys can debate the ethics of snooping and the practicalities of remaining friends with ex's until the cows come home--you'd still be refusing to acknowledge the 800 lb gorilla in the room.

[sandrawg]

Exactly right. Leaving details out that are important--such as, I used to get busy with this guy I'm going to smoke weed with-is the same as lying, if you ask me. The girl seems shady all the way around, whether she cheated or not.

 

Let's consider facts:

 

1. She wanted to meet an "old colleague" for dinner, who turned out to be a former lover.

2. She wanted to "clear her head" by running off for the day to smoke weed with who turned out to be a former lover.

3. She was trying to hook up with another work colleague while in town who by rumor is also a former lover.

 

You guys can debate the ethics of snooping and the practicalities of remaining friends with ex's until the cows come home--you'd still be refusing to acknowledge the 800 lb gorilla in the room.

[DN]

Let's consider facts:

 

1. She wanted to meet an "old colleague" for dinner, who turned out to be a former lover.

2. She wanted to "clear her head" by running off for the day to smoke weed with who turned out to be a former lover.

3. She was trying to hook up with another work colleague while in town who by rumor is also a former lover.

 

You guys can debate the ethics of snooping and the practicalities of remaining friends with ex's until the cows come home--you'd still be refusing to acknowledge the 800 lb gorilla in the room.

4. She lied about the nature of her relationships with these men.

[Seraphim]

Why do people have to tell their SO who they had a relationship with? That may be a requirement for some people and not for others. If you have a problem of people being friends with a past lover, get a SO other who does not want to be friends with past lovers it is really all that simple. But to surmise from emails from 2008 and 2010 that she still has a relationship with these guys that is other than friends. Unless you have an email from the time you were IN the relationship it is all surmising and you just really don't like the kind of girl she is so for the sake of both of you end it.

[journeynow]

Let's consider facts:

1. She wanted to meet an "old colleague" for dinner, who turned out to be a former lover.

2. She wanted to "clear her head" by running off for the day to smoke weed with who turned out to be a former lover.

3. She was trying to hook up with another work colleague while in town who by rumor is also a former lover.

 

Maybe she sees them as friends now and not "former lovers". If she was planning to hook up with them why would she be open about meeting them? I agree it's something the OP should discuss with her, he needs her to be more forthcoming, but I don't think it's enough reason for panic or throwing her out until he talks about it with her and gets more information. Now he's running on assumptions, which makes it painful for him, and probably harder to have a level headed discussion when they tallk.

[lostandhurt]

Op

Please let us know how it all goes down. I know this sucks Giant Monkey Butt. At least you haven't moved in with her yet.

 

She may view them as friends but any guy on here knows that is not how they view her. Let's be realistic here.

 

Lost

 

Question: Why would a woman want to go hang out alone with an ex when she is in a committed relationship and or married? Perhaps another thread topic.

[EgoJoe]

When in doubt, listen to DN.

[mrjoeblow78]

I thought she hung out to smoke up for a few hours, then came home. Well, I don't smoke...but I do hang out with dudes. She went to zone out in the country for a bit. Hanging out with people of the opposite sex does not equal run around naked getting it on.

 

If she had anything to hide, she would not be leaving her email logged in (at all!).

 

Allow me to elaborate a little bit. The weed-growing guy lives like a 2 or 3 hour drive away. She originally wanted to spend Saturday there, stay the night, and come back real early Sunday. She reasoned that by the time she got up there and hung out with him a little, it'd already be dark, and it'd be safer to come back on Sunday morning. I told her I wasn't comfortable with her going up to spend a night alone with some guy I never met. She said she understood and could make it a day trip instead. I was still uncomfortable with it, but relented. So she went up in the morning, hung out for the day, and then drove back in the evening.

 

But she never mentioned that this guy and her were an item, or used to be sex-buddies, or did whatever they did. So I was shocked to find that she sent him pictures of herself and whatnot.

 

God, my nausea is coming in waves...