Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[replytome]

Ok, I think people are missing the point here. Since her behaviour (not telling him and being sketchy) is against the OP's values and principals, he should, regardless of the whole ''is it ok to still talk to exes'' debate, end the relationship and move on!

 

Because it takes two similarly minded people to have a successful relationship. They need to have the same idea of boundaries and right and wrong. It doesn't mean that one is more right than the other, as long as they both see it the same way.

 

So to conclude, I stongly urge the OP to consider breaking up because I can't see how this could end well.

[pl3asehelp]

Why do people have to tell their SO who they had a relationship with? That may be a requirement for some people and not for others. If you have a problem of people being friends with a past lover, get a SO other who does not want to be friends with past lovers it is really all that simple. But to surmise from emails from 2008 and 2010 that she still has a relationship with these guys that is other than friends. Unless you have an email from the time you were IN the relationship it is all surmising and you just really don't like the kind of girl she is so for the sake of both of you end it.

 

Some of us think that once you've had sex with someone, you can no longer honestly call them your friend and instead you are lying by omitting an important detail which may be important to your partner. The fact that she lies this way is enough in my opinion to mean she's not worthy of a healthy relationship, which should be based in reality, not a fantasy world constructed to make yourself more palatable to potential partners.

 

OP - let this girl go and find someone like herself so she can continue her string of dishonest failed relationships.

[Seraphim]

Maybe she sees them as friends now and not "former lovers". If she was planning to hook up with them why would she be open about meeting them? I agree it's something the OP should discuss with her, he needs her to be more forthcoming, but I don't think it's enough reason for panic or throwing her out until he talks about her and gets more information. Now he's running on assumptions, which makes it painful for him, and probably harder to have a level headed discussion when they tallk.

 

Exactly. Not only that anyone who snooped on me I would get rid of just for that sake alone. For me reading someone's e-mails are on the same lines and reading their snail mail, I hope one day reading people's emails will be made a legal offense.

[tattoobunnie]

I don't think she lied. The OP snooped through the email prior to ever mutally discussing (I guess) their former relationships, is taking things out of context, and now, she's been given a Scarlett letter because she hung out with dudes she's dated in the PAST. I think the OP should just ask her about her former flames, and if she does go over them, then she's been completely honest. And she if goes, "I was a giant virgin until I met you" then we got a problem.

 

None of us know if they've gotten to the airing all dirty laundry part in their relationship, and instead of having the OP come out of this going that communication with each other is better than snooping, we are all assuming that she's a giant floosy because she called them friends. They could very well be friends now. If they were flings, Two YEARS is a long enough while...and why are we holding a 4 year old and dead relationship against her!?

 

I've dated over 30 people, and my hubby has dated plenty of people including an old friend of mine, and this was without me knowing until I showed up at her party one day...my point...have a heart to heart with her. Tell her you can take her honesty. I guarantee that she calls these people friends cause 1) they are now, and 2) she doesn't wanna upset you over her past.

 

Do you love her? If you do, it shouldn't matter who she dated. She is no longer with them, and it did not work for a reason!

[Staple]

You got cheated on. Dump her.

[Seraphim]

Some of us think that once you've had sex with someone, you can no longer honestly call them your friend and instead you are lying by omitting an important detail which may be important to your partner. The fact that she lies this way is enough in my opinion to mean she's not worthy of a healthy relationship, which should be based in reality, not a fantasy world constructed to make yourself more palatable to potential partners.

 

Not all people think that way though. And if the OP is one of those people then he should hook up with the same sort of person. " Equally yoked" they call it. Don't hook up with people you don't agree with.

[replytome]

May I add, OP, that a possible reason she hasn't mentioned the sex-buddies is because she knew from the start that would repel you and you wouldn't have started dating her, because your view on such things is much less liberal than hers. That is the reason my ex tried her best to hide it, telling some mutual friends that knew, not to tell me. Until I found out, she had no problem chatting to them and hanging out.

[lostandhurt]

bunnie

You actually go hang out alone with old bf and your husband is okay with it? "Honey I am going to go spend the day at an old bf house out in the country, see you tonight when I get home"

 

Really?

[replytome]

Not all people think that way though. And if the OP is one of those people then he should hook up with the same sort of person. " Equally yoked" they call it. Don't hook up with people you don't agree with.

 

Yes, but he had no idea about this till after he fell in love, right? So he couldn't have ''not hooked up with her because he doesn't agree'' because he didn't know. That brings us to the current dilemma.

[tattoobunnie]

Who ever goes around saying, "hi, this is my ex-lover, Joe," has got problems. "Hello, this is also my ex-lover Bill..." Um...once you totally don't see a person in that way, like ever...you call them friends if you still meet up once in a blue moon.

[pl3asehelp]

May I add, OP, that a possible reason she hasn't mentioned the sex-buddies is because she knew from the start that would repel you and you wouldn't have started dating her, because your view on such things is much less liberal than hers. That is the reason my ex tried her best to hide it, telling some mutual friends that knew, not to tell me. Until I found out, she had no problem chatting to them and hanging out.

 

Right - she has to lie about who she is so healthy people don't run for the hills.

[Seraphim]

bunnie

You actually go hang out alone with old bf and your husband is okay with it? "Honey I am going to go spend the day at an old bf house out in the country, see you tonight when I get home"

 

Really?

 

 

My brother's wife went to her ex fiance's 40th birthday party and stayed over night. My brother had no problems with it at all. He trusted his wife. He does not tell her what friends to have or what to do, or where to go. My brother and his wife are pretty happy and have 3 kids together. He does not see her as ........ because she friends is with an ex.

[journeynow]

Ok, I think people are missing the point here. Since her behaviour (not telling him and being sketchy) is against the OP's values and principals, he should, regardless of the whole ''is it ok to still talk to exes'' debate, end the relationship and move on!

 

Because it takes two similarly minded people to have a successful relationship. They need to have the same idea of boundaries and right and wrong. It doesn't mean that one is more right than the other, as long as they both see it the same way.

 

So to conclude, I stongly urge the OP to consider breaking up because I can't see how this could end well.

 

Boreed, this does make sense, that they have conflicting boundaries and values and may be incompatible. It often takes time, and communication, to discover what those boundaries are and if they are immovable.

[camus154]

you call them friends if you still meet up once in a blue moon.

 

My guess is that once in a blue moon wouldn't include hanging out for a day trip of smoking weed, huh? Or originally would have been an overnight trip, huh?

 

My guess is that once in a blue moon wouldn't also include dinner with other ex's (sorry, I mean friends) or trying to hook up with yet another ex--er, friend--while in town.

 

My goodness, all this running around trying to reconnect with "friends"!

[Fudgie]

People are missing the point here. The fact is that she was not being honest with him in the first place! She did not tell him that she had past relationships with either of the guys. I agree tattoobunnie, you don't go "this is my ex blahblah, this is my ex blahblah" to everyone, but to your PARTNER, it's important to know who you've had a relationship with, especially when you're planning to go out with them for long periods of time.

 

Some people don't want their SOs to hang out with exes, some don't care....it doesn't matter in this case. The point is that she never informed him in the first place of her history with these guys, so he didn't even get a chance to talk to her about it and discuss his feelings.

 

She omitted the truth so she could get away without him possibly objecting. Makes you wonder what else she will omit to make her life easier around you. Leave her now.

[replytome]

Right - she has to lie about who she is so healthy people don't run for the hills.

 

Precisely, so it can't be said that ''you knew what you were getting into'', because I didn't, and the OP didn't.

[Seraphim]

Boreed, this does make sense, that they have conflicting boundaries and values and may be incompatible. It often takes time, and communication, to discover what those boundaries are and if they are immovable.

 

That is what I am saying too they have conflicting boundaries and values. It does not make HIM right and her WRONG.It just makes them incompatible.

[pl3asehelp]

My brother's wife went to her ex fiance's 40th birthday party and stayed over night. My brother had no problems with it at all. He trusted his wife. He does not tell her what friends to have or what to do, or where to go. My brother and his wife are pretty happy and have 3 kids together. He does not see her as ........ because she friends is with an ex.

 

Did she tell him he was a friend or did she tell him it's her ex fiance? If she told him, your brother had information to make a choice which the OP is being denied right now.

[camus154]

^ I'm also going to go out on a limb and assume the ex was also involved with someone else and that there were other people staying over as well.

[tattoobunnie]

The OP has no idea if they were old boyfriends or not. In fact, my hubby is at a meeting now with someone I've known for over two decades (and we've all hung out), and I slept with ONCE!!! long before my hubby and I dated. And he doesn't know. My hubby trusts me, and I him, and we've never ask each other the run-down of our sexual past...and we both don't give a rats bum about who we did hook up with. I guess when you want to be with eachother, all of your exes are so irrelevant. I mean, we're having a baby in two months, happy as calms, and if a woman he slept with past by us today and wanted to grab a drink, I'm not self-conscious at all and worried about whether they slept together or did, or didn't. He tells me where he's going, who he's seeing, and same with me.

 

If a person really wants to cheat on you, they will do so, regardless of how much you read their emails, check their phone, demand explanations until you are blue in the face.

[Seraphim]

Did she tell him he was a friend or did she tell him it's her ex fiance? If she told him, your brother had information to make a choice which the OP is being denied right now.

 

He knew the entire time he was an ex fiance, but that is not the point. The point IS he does not see this as a big issue and that relationships that are in the past are in the PAST and his wife is with HIM, not this other dude and chose to make a life with HIM, so he does not feel threatened by it.

[tattoobunnie]

In six months, she's drove out to see someone, and met up with someone else to grab drinks...boy, she is a harlett!

 

Once in a blue moon, means, rarely frequent. These aren't weekly things, or even montly things.

[camus154]

He knew the entire time he was an ex fiance, but that is not the point. The point IS he does not see this as a big issue and that relationships that are in the past are in the PAST and his wife is with HIM, not this other dude and chose to make a life with HIM, so he does not feel threatened by it.

 

Too bad that's not reality for all the people who wind up getting cheated on, though.

[journeynow]

But she never mentioned that this guy and her were an item, or used to be sex-buddies, or did whatever they did. So I was shocked to find that she sent him pictures of herself and whatnot.

 

God, my nausea is coming in waves...

mrjoe, don't assume anything yet, it is making you miserable. You haven't answered my question, had you discussed exclusivity 4 months into the relationship? Have you named your former lovers so she'll know who they are? If you haven't had that kind of conversation, airing everything, then wait before you assume she's guilty of fooling around.

[pl3asehelp]

He knew the entire time he was an ex fiance, but that is not the point. The point IS he does not see this as a big issue and that relationships that are in the past are in the PAST and his wife is with HIM, not this other dude and chose to make a life with HIM, so he does not feel threatened by it.

 

No, this is exactly the point. OP's gf was not honest with him about the nature of the relationship, your brothers wife was. That's why it's ok in your brothers situation and not here. Your brothers wife was honest, OP's girlfriend was not. She lies, she's not relationship material. I also wouldn't trust her to watch my kids, take my money, or do anything else requiring honesty.

 

Whether it's ok to hang out with ex's is a different discussion that each couple needs to have and it's up to them to come to an agreement based on their values. However, OP can't do this because he doesn't have all the facts.