Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[tattoobunnie]

You know, if this woman loves you back, get a grip...always give someone the benefit of a doubt...and talk to her. I know it's shocking to find out people's skeletons, but it does not mean, she's running around on you. If you really love her, talk to her first and get clear on why she didn't mention that they hooked up or not. And get clear...is everything in the past?

 

And even though those men may have a slight inkling of interest in her, she's with you for a reason!! She chose you, and continues to choose you.

[mrjoeblow78]

You know, if this woman loves you back, get a grip...always give someone the benefit of a doubt...and talk to her. I know it's shocking to find out people's skeletons, but it does not mean, she's running around on you. If you really love her, talk to her first and get clear on why she didn't mention that they hooked up or not. And get clear...is everything in the past?

 

And even though those men may have a slight inkling of interest in her, she's with you for a reason!! She chose you, and continues to choose you.

 

Thanks tatoobunnie. My head's been swirling with how to confront or ask her about this. I'm hoping/praying that it's not as bad as I think it is, and want to give her the benefit of the doubt. But I think tonight's going to be a train wreck.

 

I've been thinking about how to phrase things, and how much I should reveal I know. I'm first going to ask her about the rumor I heard at work about Gary (see previous posts for context). Since I was told that from co-workers, unprompted, I think it might help bridge the gap to talk about these others guys without revealing that I snooped. My main point will be that we have to be honest and trust each other (I know, I know...ironic since it was me who snooped, but bear with me here), and this rumor has kind of thrown me for a loop. I'll ask her if it's true, and if so, why didn't she tell me about it (assuming it was in the past and before us). I'll ask her to understand that this puts all the talk of her meeting him for dinner/drinks in a new light, and tell her that it makes me question some of the other times she's met up with guys she's described as simply male friends. I'll ask her if she was ever involved with any of these other male friends she's met with, and tell her that it's critical to be honest, maybe even saying that it's possible I know more than she realizes (though I doubt I'll say that). If she says no, I'll again ask her to really think about it, and say I have a handful of guy's names I'd really like to be sure about. If she asks who they are, I'll mention the two I NOW know she's been with, mixed with a few I'm pretty sure she hasn't. Hopefully it won't be too obvious where I picked up my information, or that I know about certain guys.

 

I don't know, in my head it sounds like a reasonable line of questioning for discussion, but I know she's going to get defensive, and it's bound to end very bad.

[camus154]

If you're going to go the honest route, then don't half-ass it. Be honest with her in kind. Tell her she left her email logged in and curiosity got the better of you when you saw the ex folder and you snooped.

 

At this point, why not just put your cards on the table?

[mrjoeblow78]

If you're going to go the honest route, then don't half-ass it. Be honest with her in kind. Tell her she left her email logged in and curiosity got the better of you when you saw the ex folder and you snooped.

 

At this point, why not just put your cards on the table?

 

Easier said than done. What if it turns out this can all be explained away? I mean, I don't realistically see that happening, but if by some miracle she did nothing wrong, then I will have killed the relationship by admitting to snooping. No, I'm going to hold back on that.

[Seraphim]

I would lay the cards on the table. If you think she has lied and been unfaithful ( this part you have no proof of at all) you might as well say what you found out and how. You were ready to end it earlier. If she has done nothing wrong and she leaves then you will have at least learned snooping is not the way to go.

[journeynow]

Easier said than done. What if it turns out this can all be explained away? I mean, I don't realistically see that happening, but if by some miracle she did nothing wrong, then I will have killed the relationship by admitting to snooping. No, I'm going to hold back on that.

 

I'm with Camus on this. Admit you gave into temptation after she left her mail open, and what you found. Because, basically, you don't want her doing that, withholding truths to avoid conflict, with may be why she never admitted her history with the others. Be willing to look at things as they are. Together. It's early in the relationship, set the pattern for openess now.

[camus154]

Look, if you're not willing to risk losing the relationship by being honest with her then how on earth do you imagine she's going to be honest with you? In this case there's really no point in even having this discussion to begin with.

[tattoobunnie]

The truth does not have be a trainwreck. Always start with positives first! "I'm so happy I've found you. I'm so happy to be with you. I think you're the greatest. I love the time we have been spending together, and want to take it to the next level...and for me, it's about being open and honest...I have to tell you something...I got a little insecure, and noticed you left your email up today. I know it's completely wrong, and I know I shouldn't have done it, and I'm so sorry, but I came accross an email you sent to a friend you've mentioned visiting. Is there something I should be aware of."

 

Never make judgment statements or accuse her of things you have no proof of...always just ask, "is there something I should know?" "I trust you. I know you wouldn't cheat on me, and I would never cheat on you. I just want to be clear and have things out in the open."

[mrjoeblow78]

Ah * * * * * , you guys are right. I think I'll wind up telling her that I snooped, but not right away. I want her to volunteer some information first without knowing that I already know it. Sounds bizarre I guess, but I feel like I need to give her a chance to be honest when she's not aware of the depth of my knowledge. So, if she admits she had a relationship with Gary, and claims it was all in the past, but doesn't volunteer the other 2 guys, even after I mention them, I'll know she's still not being honest and I can't trust her. If I tell her I snooped right off the bat, she might be honest, but it'll be because she was forced to be, not because she chose to be. I don't know, makes sense to me anyway. If she asks why I don't believe her or where my suspicions come from, I'll tell her the truth, that she left her email open on my computer, and my curiosity got the best of me.

 

BTW, I'm not convinced she's cheated on me. I'm very suspicious as to why she hid the past(?)nature of their relationships, and am concerned that she did cheat on me, but there's really no way I can prove that anyway, so I'm going into this discussion NOT accusing her of cheating, instead I'm just upset and suspicious because she hid things from me.

 

Edit:

 

I'll definitely start with the positives. That's a good call. I mean, I really do love this girl. She's told me the same, but I'm just dying since I saw her email.

[pl3asehelp]

Look, you don't need to confront her or even speak to her to understand that she lied to you about there being a past with these men. Is that lie ok with you? You're using the word 'hid' now - going soft. She will definitely be able to explain this away - 'oh, do you mind that i stayed the night with a guy i send pictures of my vag to?, that never occurred to me - i'm innocent.'

[replytome]

Look, you don't need to confront her or even speak to her to understand that she lied to you about there being a past with these men. Is that lie ok with you? You're using the word 'hid' now - going soft. This woman's going to run you over like a freight train and by the end of your 'conforontation'. You're going to come away with a list of things she's going to say you need to do to prove that you're not jealous and insecure. She will turn the tables on you, she's much stronger. By the end of this she will convince you that you are the one doing something wrong.

 

Agreed. And you'll be miserable trying to ''make it up to her''. Ugh, exactly what happened to me. Be strong man, don't be a * * * * * like I was.

[camus154]

I know it sucks, dude, but put it in perspective. It's been 6 months. It could be far, far worse.

[pl3asehelp]

Oh fvck this sucks so bad...I think I really do know it's over between us, but I just so don't want it to be. I'm heading to her place when she gets off work in an hour or so. She's been trying to chat/text me all day (like we usually do), but I've been saying work's got me too busy to talk. She has no idea that we're about 2 hours away from being done as a couple. I'm nearly in tears thinking about it...this is so awful. Fvck!

 

Stay strong man, not everyone treats people poorly like this - you can do much better.

[replytome]

Trust me, in time you will be extremely proud and grateful to yourself for dumping her now. You'll see it very clearly once you've moved on and you'll be high five-ing yourself.

[PhilliesFan001]

I'm really sorry you're going through this If I were in your position I would do the same thing. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with being friends with exes and even meeting up occasionally, BUT the fact that she was not forthcoming about the nature of the relationships is a red flag. I believe you showed trust in her (having dinner with an ex-colleague and spending the day with a guy out in the middle of nowhere would make a lot of boyfriends go nuts!) and she abused that trust by not being totally honest with you.

 

It's going to hurt like mad for a while but you'll be okay, and you'll find someone eventually who is honest with you and much more respectful of your relationship! Hang in x

[penelope13]

Firstly, calm down. At this point there is no need to talk yourself into a frenzy. I'm not sure if you have answered this question: did you have a chat with her how acceptable each of you is about contact with exes? If not, you can't claim that she deceived you on purpose. Some people don't like to know that kind of information, while others consider it an absolute must that these things should be told.

 

If you want to judge her solely on the basis of omission of information (since you consider this a lie) be prepared to judge yourself as harshly as her if you chose not to tell her straight out and without her prompting that you have snooped which for some people is the same as lying (it's most certainly also omission of information that may be important for her to judge if you have the same values as her when it comes to trust). The fact that one's person lie occurred to an earlier point in time doesn't make the lie of the other person a 'lessor offense'.

 

 

If you want to resolve this situation - ask her directly what her stance is on being in touch with exes and tell her why you are bringing up the subject. Don't condemn her without giving her the chance to explain herself.

[mrjoeblow78]

Well, I talked with her last night about it. But wussed-out on being forthcoming about snooping...

 

We chatted on the phone as I drove to her place, and she was in such a good mood, planning our dinner, and looking forward to watching a movie and having a mellow night. I arrived at her place around the same time she did, and as we walked together from our cars to her place, she could tell something was wrong. I told her I had a miserable day. She asked if it was work, I said no. She asked if it was about us, I said yes. She asked if it was bad, I said it could be, and that I needed to talk with her about something but wanted to wait till we got inside her place. She said I was worrying her now and freaking her out.

 

Once inside, I told her I heard a rumor at work that she and Gary had some sort of relationship and that it was screwing with my head all day. I told her I heard some co-workers who were very close friends of Gary talk about it, and that they said Gary had told them. She literally laughed, and asked if that was it? I said mostly. She said it wasn't true, and that, while she's hung out with Gary on occasion, nothing ever happened. She said she was relieved this is what I was concerned about as she thought it might be something serious. I told her that it really freaked me out, especially since I know that she and Gary had hung out on at least one occasion while we were together, and that she tried to meet up with him when she happened to travel for business near where he now lives. She said she was sorry for laughing, and didn't want to be insensitive, especially since I had a rough day, but that it just wasn't true. She said I have nothing to worry about, that she loved me, that her parents divorced because of infidelity, and it's just not something she'd ever do.

 

I told her I was relieved to hear that, but that my head had been racing all day causing me to question some things. I told her that I'd hope she would tell me about past relationships with guys she still hangs out with and considers friends, rather than me finding out about their past from other people. She got a little defensive and said that part of her thinks what she did before we were together is none of my business. I said she's right to a degree, but if I were to find out something from other people, it'd feel like she was hiding something from me. She said she understood, and that she know it surprises some people to learn that she can remain strictly friends, and even hang out with guys she was involved with previously, but that she's an adult, and she can tell if the relationship isn't going to work out, and she'll end things early and just be friends.

 

At this point, I was kind of stopped in my tracks, not really knowing how to proceed. I wanted to ask about specific guys, particularly the two I learned about from her email, to see if she'd be honest with me, but I didn't want to reveal I snooped. I told her that my mind had been racing all day thinking about the various times where she met up with a guy for dinner or drinks where it was kind of implied she didn't want me there. I told her that I stepped aside on those occasions and didn't think anything of it, but now I just felt I needed to ask her about some of them. She said to go ahead and ask so that it wasn't eating away at me, and she could put my mind at ease. So I first asked about a couple of guys I was pretty sure she had no history with. She confirmed that nothing ever happened with either of them, that they were always just friends. Then I asked about the weed-growing guy. She admitted that she dated him in the past, but that it was like 2 or 3 years ago, and that they were just friends now. This was the guy she sent illicit photos to in late 2010, so it was really only a little more than 1 year ago, but I didn't press her on it. I wanted to ask her about the other guy from the emails, but I was so relieved she was honest about the weed-growing guy that I started feeling silly about the whole thing. I told her that I was sorry for being so weird, and that I just wasn't thinking straight all day.

 

That was pretty much the end of it. She made dinner, we watched a movie, had sex, then went to sleep.

 

I might be a total sucker, but I believe her. And I will NEVER snoop again.

[pl3asehelp]

Whoa dude, you got steamrolled big time. Just going to put your head back in the sand eh? She tells you she dated him 2-3 years ago and you have evidence of her sending him pictures of her vag more recently than that, so you accept another lie just to stay together. I predict another thread.

[journeynow]

Whoa dude, you got steamrolled big time. Just going to put your head back in the sand eh? She tells you she dated him 2-3 years ago and you have evidence of her sending him pictures of her vag more recently than that, so you accept another lie just to stay together. I predict another thread.

 

pl3asehelp, that's a strong assumption about being steamrolled, since she sent the pictures 2 years ago:

I looked in her sent items, and in 2010, still a long time before we were dating, she sent this same guy illicit emails.

 

EDIT:

Oh, I see mrjoe sees that timeline also:

he admitted that she dated him in the past, but that it was like 2 or 3 years ago, and that they were just friends now. This was the guy she sent illicit photos to in late 2010, so it was really only a little more than 1 year ago,

[pl3asehelp]

pl3asehelp, that's a strong assumption, since she sent the pictures 2 years ago

 

OP explained that the pictures were sent a little more than 1 year ago, which doesn't match what she told him when confronted. He recognized the lie, hence his decision to not 'press her' on it.

[Seraphim]

So what if she sent him some emails in 2010?? You honestly think someone is going to remember a pic the sent in 2010. She was NOT going out with the OP in 2010 so it should not matter one tinker's you know what what she did in 2010. She admitted, yeah I hung out with some guys, yeah they are my friends. Big whoop. I hope you guys who are calling her trampzilla never had one relationship in your life before your present SO and you had never sent not one illicit text or email because if you have then you are hypocrites.

[Seraphim]

OP, now that she answered your questions it is time to anti up how you found out.

[camus154]

So what if she sent him some emails in 2010?? You honestly think someone is going to remember a pic the sent in 2010. She was NOT going out with the OP in 2010 so it should not matter one tinker's you know what what she did in 2010. She admitted, yeah I hung out with some guys, yeah they are my friends. Big whoop. I hope you guys who are calling her trampzilla never had one relationship in your life before your present SO and you had never sent not one illicit text or email because if you have then you are hypocrites.

 

Uh, yeah. I think most people would remember an email they sent of their junk. And if they didn't, then that would be even more alarming.

 

You have absolutely no idea if she was going out with this guy in 2010. What we DO know is that she sure as hell was being sexual with him in 2010. So while it's quite lovely of you to give her the benefit of the doubt, some of us prefer more realistic odds here.

[pl3asehelp]

So what if she sent him some emails in 2010?? You honestly think someone is going to remember a pic the sent in 2010. She was NOT going out with the OP in 2010 so it should not matter one tinker's you know what what she did in 2010. She admitted, yeah I hung out with some guys, yeah they are my friends. Big whoop. I hope you guys who are calling her trampzilla never had one relationship in your life before your present SO and you had never sent not one illicit text or email because if you have then you are hypocrites.

 

The point is she lied and is still lying.

[Seraphim]

Uh, yeah. I think most people would remember an email they sent of their junk. And if they didn't, then that would be even more alarming.

 

You have absolutely no idea if she was going out with this guy in 2010. What we DO know is that she sure as hell was being sexual with him in 2010. So while it's quite lovely of you to give her the benefit of the doubt, some of us prefer more realistic odds here.

 

The OP said HIMSELF they have only been going out for SIX MONTHS. So what she did in 2010 is ZERO of his business. So what, who cares what she did with who in 2010. She was not with the OP. What if your SO was grilling YOU about who you were doing in 2010??? HAhaha so funny, I am sure you guys have had more than one fwb scenerio in your past and I am sure you don't want to be judged on it by a mate 2 years later.