Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

[Miss Firecracker]

Agree totally.

 

Count me in. Agree 100%!

[Seraphim]

LOL.........wow some of us are "not discerning", whatever.

[pl3asehelp]

You take everything OP's gf is doing and it's just plainly obvious that an attempt at a relationship with her is going to end badly. You can get into each and every detail and all that, but it won't change the fact that the chances of living happily ever after with this one are near nil.

 

I mean, can anyone here say they would be happy to have their son dating this woman? I doubt it.

[replytome]

Bets are on.... 100 bucks on the cheating horse!

[penelope13]

I am constantly surprised how easily some people fall for scams of every description, most of which are very obvious to anyone with a discerning mind.

 

haha - 'not someone with a discerning mind' - yep, that describes me to a T ;-).

[journeynow]

However. Oops. We kind of skimmed over the part where she just needed to get away and clear her head for awhile.....by running off into the country to smoke a bunch of weed with an ex lover. Oh yeah. Gee, now where does that fit in the lovely boundaries discussion again? ?

 

You are defining him as an ex-LOVER, emphasizing lover. She MIGHT be viewing him as a FRIEND. Emphasis on friend. My point was that the OP could deal with it when he thought of the guy as a friend. Of course, she could cheat with any friend just as easily as easily as the next. She has decided they are friends. You have decided they are not friends, making her guilty and a liar.

[SarahRose]

^ What don't you get?

 

While this may have happened in the past, meeting up with these guys happened while she was with the OP. That most certainly DOES make it his business.

 

I seriously cannot fathom how people still aren't comprehending the import of running off for day trips and nights out on the town with friends who turn out to be ex's.

 

Yes and OP allowed her to do this too. He has to be a little naive to think male friends were never past lovers or fwb.

 

The ball is in his court. He can do whatever he wants.

[replytome]

You are defining him as an ex-LOVER, emphasizing lover. She MIGHT be viewing him as a FRIEND. Emphasis on friend. My point was that the OP could deal with it when he thought of the guy as a friend. Of course, she could cheat with any friend just as easily as easily as the next. She has decided they are friends. You have decided they are not friends.

 

Seriously, it's already hard enough to be friends with the opposite sex without ANY potential sexual tension. There is a HUGE difference between ex-lover and friend or ex-friend.

[replytome]

Yes and OP allowed her to do this too. He has to be a little naive to think male friends were never past lovers or fwb.

 

The ball is in his court. He can do whatever he wants.

 

This makes no sense, because that would mean that two people of the opposite sex can't be friends ever, because they will end up shagging baby...

[camus154]

You are defining him as an ex-LOVER, emphasizing lover. She MIGHT be viewing him as a FRIEND. Emphasis on friend. My point was that the OP could deal with it when he thought of the guy as a friend. Of course, she could cheat with any friend just as easily as easily as the next. She has decided they are friends. You have decided they are not friends, making her guilty and a liar.

 

I AM defining him as an ex lover because that's precisely what he is. When you send someone photos of your dirty parts and talk about wanting to suck them off, guess what--that puts them in ex lover category. You may not think that distinction is relevant, but just about every guy on the planet would disagree with you.

 

Anway, I see we're back to pointing out the pine trees.

[pl3asehelp]

You are defining him as an ex-LOVER, emphasizing lover. She MIGHT be viewing him as a FRIEND. Emphasis on friend. My point was that the OP could deal with it when he thought of the guy as a friend. Of course, she could cheat with any friend just as easily as easily as the next. She has decided they are friends. You have decided they are not friends, making her guilty and a liar.

 

You're making an erroneous assumption here that the only reason people don't want to get involved with people who are still in contact with their ex's is because they are afraid they will cheat.

 

That's not at all the reason I don't speak with my ex's. For me, it's about priorities. I view my past relationships as closed books and I'm actively working on an open book right now. Those ex's have nothing to offer me and I'm 100% focused on the present and future with my wife. To me, contact with an ex would be like going backwards. I've always only dated people who shared my point of view and it has never been a problem for me finding people who also had no interest in their ex's. I don't want someone with one foot in the past.

[Glowguy]

Wow: OP - She is almost certainly cheating on you. There is no point in confronting her about it. If she was up to no good she will just lie anyway. I expect you will only see her deflect and blame shift. You are only six months invested so get out now while you still have the motivation.

[journeynow]

You're making an erroneous assumption here that the only reason people don't want to get involved with people who are still in contact with their ex's is because they are afraid they will cheat.

 

That's not at all the reason I don't speak with my ex's. For me, it's about priorities. I view my past relationships as closed books and I'm actively working on an open book right now. Those ex's have nothing to offer me and I'm 100% focused on the present and future with my wife. To me, contact with an ex would be like going backwards. I've always only dated people who shared my point of view and it has never been a problem for me finding people who also had no interest in their ex's. I don't want someone with one foot in the past.

 

I'm not making any assumptions. I'm referring to the OP's posts.

[pl3asehelp]

I'm not making any assumptions. I'm referring to the OP's posts.

 

I just re-read his posts - I didn't find anything where he said he objected to her hanging out with ex's because he's afraid she'll cheat with them. He could object to that for any number of reasons.

[journeynow]

I AM defining him as an ex lover because that's precisely what he is. When you send someone photos of your dirty parts and talk about wanting to suck them off, guess what--that puts them in ex lover category. You may not think that distinction is relevant, but just about every guy on the planet would disagree with you.

 

Anway, I see we're back to pointing out the pine trees.

 

I don't know about the girlfriend in question and her ex's, but I believe people are more complex than their sexual parts and past, and that when the attraction is gone and the romantic relationship is over and healed, that it is possible to value other aspects of the friendship and maintain that without crossing boundaries. But I understand it is a touchy area for people to accept in their partners, and that it raises distrust, and offense. I don't know about the pine trees, but maybe we're speaking different languages, Mars vs Venus.

[journeynow]

I just re-read his posts - I didn't find anything where he said he objected to her hanging out with ex's because he's afraid she'll cheat with them. He could object to that for any number of reasons.

 

Maybe I misinterpreted what the objections and concerns have been about, but he does mention being concerned about cheating:

 

I'm very suspicious as to why she hid the past(?)nature of their relationships, and am concerned that she did cheat on me,.

[camus154]

I don't know about the girlfriend in question and her ex's, but I believe people are more complex than their sexual parts and past, and that when the attraction is gone and the romantic relationship is over and healed, that it is possible to value other aspects of the friendship and maintain that without crossing boundaries. But I understand it is a touchy area for people to accept in their partners, and that it raises distrust, and offense. I don't know about the pine trees, but maybe we're speaking different languages, Mars vs Venus.

 

Well I certainly think it's possible for you to remain friends with an ex and not harbor sexual feelings for them. My point here isn't that because they have a past together they must be sleeping together.

 

I mean....seriously, not trying to be cheeky, but why are you refusing to consider this story as a whole rather than any one aspect of it? That's what I mean about not seeing the forest for the trees.

[journeynow]

Well I certainly think it's possible for you to remain friends with an ex and not harbor sexual feelings for them. My point here isn't that because they have a past together they must be sleeping together.

 

I mean....seriously, not trying to be cheeky, but why are you refusing to consider this story as a whole rather than any one aspect of it? That's what I mean about not seeing the forest for the trees.

 

I do believe I'm considering the forest.

[Miss Firecracker]

You are tempted to trust her because she admits to what she is doing, going out with her old lovers. This is a way to hypnotize someone, instead of lying and hiding what you're doing, just be out in the open and admit it. No better smoke screen! Of course, you have to trust her because she is a truthful person.

[DN]

You are tempted to trust her because she admits to what she is doing, going out with her old lovers. This is a way to hypnotize someone, instead of lying and hiding what you're doing, just be out in the open and admit it. No better smoke screen! Of course, you have to trust her because she is a truthful person.

Yes, exactly. Partial truth is indeed a good smokescreen.

[SpottiOtti]

Seriously, RUN! Man, she sounds very promiscuous just like my ex. You guys clearly don't have the same principals and values, unless you too blew Gary? hehe, kidding

 

This made me laugh out loud. Just had to say it.

 

Now, OP. Not laughing at your situation. This chick either does not know how to conduct herself in a committed relationship, or she feels that at six months you are not in a fully committed relationship. Does this mean she will cheat? Who knows. Does this mean she is trying to keep herself from getting too enmeshed by withholding personal details from the past? Who knows. But she obviously for whatever reason feels that you do not have security clearance to hear the true details of her past. This does not go hand in hand with the idea of a committed relationship that you currently hold for the two of you.

 

So, you can clarify this together, or you can walk away. If you are wild about this girl and think she is the one, maybe you should try sitting down with her and talking about what things you expect from a fully committed relationship. If you are just enjoying her company (sounds like she is sexually liberated and probably fun, wink wink) and seeing where it goes, then maybe you should walk away, if you feel that you will always be looking over her shoulder.

 

Good luck! Remember, it's only been six months. Perhaps that feels like a long time to you, but maybe someday it will not.

[mrjoeblow78]

Well, got an update, and not a good one, at least in how it reflects on me our my ability to trust her:

 

A couple of days went by, and then she told me that she wasn't sure if I should come to a charity function her new company is putting together. I was puzzled and asked why. She said she worried that people might ask how we met, and I'd reveal that we met at work (her old job). She said she didn't want people at her new company to know that she's dating someone she used to work with, as it would appear unprofessional. I told her I didn't really follow that logic, as we don't work together any more. We had already kept our relationship a secret at our old company, because she said she didn't want people at work to be in our business. But now, it seemed to me, there's no reason to hide it any longer, especially from her new place. She also said that the charity event was going to feature a lot of drinking and she thought she'd bring some of her new co-workers back to her place, to show them her amazing view. It made me suspicious...

 

So guess what I did? I snooped again. Yep, I suck...and this time was more calculated, as the first time I just stumbled on her email almost by mistake. This time though, I wanted to see her text messages on her phone. So after we went to bed, I waited a few hours, then got up in the middle of the night, took her phone to the bathroom and went through them. My hands were shaking as I did this, and I was breathing erratically, afraid at what I'd find. I saw text messages to/from each of the 3 guys I was suspicious of (Gary, the weed-growing guy, and her old boss).

 

The message to Gary was just telling him that she arrived in the town near where he now he lives, and hoped to meet up for drinks on her 1 free night, even though she knew it would be a long drive for him. Gary responded, calling her "Sweetie", and said the long drive didn't matter, but that he just got back to town, was stuck, and was bummed he couldn't meet up. She responded saying she was sure their paths would cross again the future at some point. He responded saying "Hopefully...".

 

Then the messages to/from the weed growing guy were all pretty benign. Late the night before she went up to see him, she told him she was looking forward to see him. He responded saying she should get some sleep because she'd be working the next day. This falls in line with her telling me that he makes her harvest/sort/trim weed when she goes up there. The rest of the messages between the two were from after she got back and were harmless texts updating each other on new jobs, joking around, and whatnot.

 

The messages between her and her old boss were a little more interesting. He texted telling her he was coming into town and she responded saying they should get dinner and drinks before he had to fly out. She told me before that they were only able to meet up for a few hours before he had to catch a flight, and her message to him after he left seemed to confirm that saying "Glad we could meet up for dinner and drinks. Have a good flight home. See you later." Here's where it gets interesting, he responded with "You're just as beautiful as I remember. Sorry if I came on too strong, I just got caught up thinking about old memories." After that he texted her a number of days later saying he met a new girl, and that he was happy. She responded saying she was happy for him.

 

I skimmed other messages but didn't find anything incriminating. So I put the phone back where it was, and slowly got back into bed. I felt very guilty for doing it, but was relieved at what I found. I'm still suspicious of her and Gary, but think I'm going to have to let everything go. All her stories seemed to check out, and it looks like she even fended off her old boss/boyfriend from coming on to her.

[pl3asehelp]

Wow man, what do you need to do, catch her in the act? How is it ok for her old boss to be coming on to her at all, let alone 'too strong'. How does her story 'check out' regarding that?

 

Awesome to have these guys calling your gf sweetie and beautiful too - combine that with the stories you've heard, the evidence you've found, and, well..

[mrjoeblow78]

How is it ok for her old boss to be coming on to her at all, let alone 'too strong'. How does her story 'check out' regarding that?

 

I was actually ecstatic to read that. I mean, I already knew they were an item in the past from my first snooping episode, but was left to speculate about what they were now. This text showed me that it is clearly over from her perspective. I mean, she turned down his advances, what more do I want? She may not want to tell me about their past together for any number of reasons, it's her old boss after-all. What I get from it is that I don't need to worry about her with him.

 

 

Awesome to have these guys calling your gf sweetie and beautiful too - combine that with the stories you've heard, the evidence you've found, and, well..

 

Well the guy calling her "beautiful" was the same one she turned down, so who cares if he wants to be with her or not? She's not into him. The guy calling her "Sweetie" still kind of bothers me, but they didn't meet up, confirming what she told me, and the guy lives 3000 miles away. Right before he moved, which was about two weeks into our relationship, she told me they met up for drinks, and I was always leery about what went down that night. But now I know for sure that that was the only time they've met up since we've been together. And she's flat-out denied doing anything with him in the past. I just think it does me no good to be concerned about him at this point.

 

The weed-growing guy was the one I was most concerned about, especially since they had a fairly recent relationship, and were all about the dirty talk and sending nude pictures. But nothing in their texts was remotely romantic or sexual in nature. So there's nothing to indicate they are any more than just friends now.

[Seraphim]

Stop spying on her or break up. Now that you feel she was truthful, you need to be too.