Tell the folks now or at the party?

[tinkerbellkj]

 

And honestly, I don't think you need to worry about making it special. I know some people hatch up elaborate plans and schemes and design the whole thing - but you're telling them that they're going to have a grandchild! It's going to be special even if you tell them in a dumpster! Well, I have neither children or grandchildren so I can't speak from experience, but I feel pretty sure they're going to be over the moon even if it's not in some engineered setting, time and place.

 

I agree with this! It is such a special time that not much is needed to make it "more special". I have a 5 month old and am almost 8 weeks with #2, and I just called my mom up and blurted out "I'm pregnant!" both times, actually! She was just so happy that she was a grandma that it didn't matter how it was said.

 

Congrats to you, this is such a special time in your life! Enjoy it.

[tattoobunnie]

Thanks for advising me for telling my folks. I did last night as we took them out to dinner. They are excited. And also have suggested moving the wedding to this year instead. We're going to look at venues together this Sunday! Yay!

 

On another note. My future MIL also decided to write me an email last night. She has a lot of issues to work out. So if you all have a few spare moments, please read...just would like some coddling at this moment:

 

 

 

He did formally ask me. She just assumed that based on a joke we made about a Taco Bell packet one day. She was suppose to move with us two weekends ago, then postponed to last Thursday, then this past Tuesday, and now today is the day. All the while my fiance has been calling her to ask her to come on Sunday, & she would completely ignore his question. Considering she has no job, or other obligations, if she feels that she cannot spare three hours for dinner on Sunday, then that's up to her. She was at a shelter one day because of the hurricane, and had lost power.

 

I don't always write about my grievances with her, but if I were to write a response, it'd be:

 

The Evite was sent out over the weekend. And you were on the list and on the call list. Technically, you were suppose to move on Tuesday. Considering you have also bailed on the other two major events I've invited you to (Christmas and my Community Day), I will just accept that you will always make other things a top priority even if I move things around.

 

I wanted to throw the party specifically to celebrate good news we found out recently with you. We were hoping to share that we're pregnant, but since you're more concerned with sorting through your clothes, telling me my engagement to Francis isn't real and forced, that I'm immature, and that I am not welcome in your family unless you are the center of my universe, even though I helped move your heavy furniture while pregnant in a rainstorm with an approaching hurricane with absolutely no thank you from you, I find that an email to let you know is more of what you deserve from me.

 

The fact that you tell me you're happy about the engagement, and that I'm the best, then write me a letter about how it's not real, and that I do not deserve your son, you are not genuine. I do not trust you. I am also not you're punching bag when you have your freak outs.

 

While I was also hoping to get your feedback about the wedding this weekend since we will need to move it up, in reading how you truly feel about me, I do not wish to see you or speak to you until you are acting and thinking rationally. With all the stories you make up about how we are abandoning you and impetuously take it out on Francis and I, and we that I don't care about you when they are not true at all, I hope you will consider counseling to figure out why you constantly feel that way.

 

I was hoping that you would be a big part of the wedding planning from the venue to the dresses with your own guest list. Since you have insulted me, do not take our engagement or marriage seriously, mock the list I requested from you, and you found the thought of sparing a few hours for dinner on Sunday as completely impossible, I have no idea what you can be relied upon.

 

Also, an elaborate proposal does not portend to a successful and enduring marriage.

 

Good luck.

[Seraphim]

Just remember this woman is your child's grandmother. You think it is ugly now, just wait. I would try and be civil and she should have been told no matter what you think of her. My in-laws are not my fav people either, but I DO give my most to respect their position as my son's grandparent's for HIS sake and for my husband's sake. Your husband may not always support your position against his mother just be aware of that. Also one day your child may ask you why he/she has no strong connection with dad's family and be mad at YOU not her.

[DN]

I think you need to talk to your fiance about this and work out a joint response.

[tattoobunnie]

Just remember this woman is your child's grandmother. You think it is ugly now, just wait. I would try and be civil and she should have been told no matter what you think of her. My in-laws are not my fav people either, but I DO give my most to respect their position as my son's grandparent's for HIS sake and for my husband's sake. Your husband may not always support your position against his mother just be aware of that. Also one day your child may ask you why he/she has no strong connection with dad's family and be mad at YOU not her.

 

It has been like this since the beginning. When I knew her when I was a teenager, she was totally normal. Then in 2001 when her mom past away, she became a recluse, and a hoarder. And it also triggered major abandonment issues from her father, and her ex-husband, and her son's father. My fiance and I have had many strong and supportive talks with her together and separately for the past year. We create a new possiblity towards what is resolved as a step in the right direction. Then one week later, she throws a fit, and it's completely over something new she made up, whether directed towards my fiance, or some irrational belief towards me.

 

I have gone to the moon bending over backwards, been patient with every single one of her raging and violent fits. I am not a counselor when it comes to an invidual that obviously needs professional help. She has finally crossed the line. It is not cool what she said, unappreciated, and I will not enable her behavior. Being accountable is not in her dictionary, and yes, she may be a relative of the child, yet with her fits of rage, I physically and mentally fear having my baby in her care.

 

I am not saying my avoidance of her would be forever. I still very much would for her to be an active part of the wedding, and my actual family, but she needs to get her act together.

 

With my endless attempts that do seem fruitful to work things out with her when she freaks out, literally, one week later, it'll be something new, then days later, "I'm the best again!" OVER AND OVER, AND OVER AGAIN.

 

For my own health and the baby's health, the stress, I can definitely take a vacation from.

[Seraphim]

I know it is hard, really I do. My father is mentally ill and my in-laws for 23 years have made it clear I am second class in their family. So it is a challenge to have him know these family members. The thing is with mental illness you can not force them to be better no matter what you do. They either have to go their counseling and take their medication and actually TRY to be better. What I do with my son is let him talk to his grandfather when his grandfather has it altogether. With my in-laws well for all intense and purposes to society they are "normal", they just make it clear that my rules for my son are of no consequence and they will do as they please whether I like it or not. So I do understand it is hard, but it is worth the effort for your child's sake. Like DN said though it has to be a united front with your husband because otherwise it creates trouble in the marriage.

[tattoobunnie]

Thank you Victoria for sharing that.

 

My fiance and I have talked with her together and on our own time over several months to address new things she fixates on. Most times, she will completely feel good about what we discuss, and we move forward. Then, a few days later, it's another issue she's made up. I try, but there are times she will completely lie and say we never talked about it, so he will outright ignore what my fiance is saying to her.

 

Honestly, instead of celebrating the engagement and over the moon about sea monkey, I spend a lot of time trying to get her adjusted to moving, moving her stuff without any thanks, and listening to her nasty messages, and stressed that she may freak out about the pregnancy.

 

She was a well-balanced, well-adjusted individual over a decade ago, and really cool. The person she is now...sure she'll be legally family, but when it comes to the health and well-being of my actual family, it will trump over any delusional and toxic conversation she can provide to the child. She knows she has issues. She has access to therapy. She can make a choice.

 

For now, I am choosing to bow out until she can get a grip on things.

[sophie274]

Wow, I can not BELIEVE that email she sent you. I have to say I would have some pretty big reservations about living with someone who would think it was ok to send me an email like that.

 

I don't have any good advice, but I hope your fiance is supportive of you in this situation.

[OptomisticGirl]

Wow.... lol. I don't even know what to say. On the one hand, you gotta stand up to her or she's going to continue to do this through your whole marriage and I'm more than certain your child will see it later in life. Children are not as naive as we think them and they easily pick up on power struggles between their parent and someone else, especially if that someone else is a grandparent.

 

That being said, you also have to remember she is your child' grandmother, whether you wish it or not. So you have to stand up for yourself and put your foot down but at the same time, be civil. Very delicate line. Really your fiance (as her son) needs to handle this. He can put his foot down better than you can at this point and you need to have a united front over this, if he agrees that his mother was out of line.

[petite]

I find her tone arrogant and extremely in poor taste. I would personally be extremely weary of living with someone in such a state with so many problems particularly since there is a baby on the way. There are obviously deeper rooted feelings and issues which I think don't have much to do with you, but rather her current situation, aggravation and the fact that she is losing her son, in her opinion.

 

I think this needs to be aired out between the three of you and not through e-mails. Discuss it in person, with her son there. He needs to stand to let her know she can not speak to you in such a way. I think there has to be respect on both sides and the way you both speak or rather write to each other, is bothersome. Pointing fingers at one another will not make the relationship better and it is always better to have the in-laws on your side rater than against you; it makes for a much easier and much, much better life.

[tattoobunnie]

That's the thing...we talk about it face to face all the time...then we are happy clams, things are good, then all the sudden she's flipping out over a friend, my fiance, another friend, me...it's a merry-go-round of her playing victim and lack of accountability. I would love for her to be in my life, my kid's life, a part of my family. I have no problem talking to her...I need her to get a grip on reality first.

 

I've known her since I was 16, and she was functional and active member of society. A few days ago, she crossed the line. And I have every right to take some time for myself away from her. And she's a liar. What we talk about is completely her way of trying to look good.

 

And again, after weekends of us moving her crap, with no thank you, she is now expecting me to help her move things that she has not looked at in 10 years out of her old storage into a new storage this upcoming weekend. With absolutely no congrats about the baby as well.

 

And you know what, it feels fricken good to breathe again, to have less aggravation from a hideously behaved women that was definitely getting to me and bullying me. I am not letting her come between me and fiance. I know everyone thinks that she needs to be a huge part of the baby's life...that's the thing, she could be living 5000 miles away or dead, and she wouldn't. I have an amazing family, extended family, friends, and so does my fiance...if his mom chooses to not recognize my engagement, care about her first grandchild, then I think it'll be fine if I see her once in a blue moon.

[tattoobunnie]

Just an update. After another month, my fiance and his birth father are getting her to leave the house my MIL has been squatting in, and is scheduled in to move tomorrow morning. I haven't responded to any of her forms of contact, yet, after a few more psychotic emails, she left two voice mails threatening me. My fiance called her doctor on the way up, and she threatened him, and then left another message trying to lie about my fiance's past. The doctor said to evaluate the situation after the move to see what happens. Though he was contemplating having her institutionalized. I have put my foot down that she is not permitted near me until she is receiving treatment. And, I have also informed my fiance that if I receive another threat, I will have to file a report with the police.

 

I feel bad for my fiance because it's his mom! In the same token, he is still convinced everything will go back to normal after she finally moves...totally trying to sweep the fact that she irrationally threatened my life under the rug.

[Fudgie]

I would definitely call the police the next time. Save everything. You could definitely get her charged and you SHOULD. Your boyfriend will come around to seeing that she really does have mental problems.

 

I wouldn't have my child have a relationship with this nutbag but that's just me. She sounds toxic and psychotic.

 

If your child asks you one day "How come I don't see my other grandmother" you can tell the child that the grandmother was crazy and mean. (at least, that's what I was told as a child for bad relatives and why I never met them.)

[OptomisticGirl]

I think you are doing the right thing Tattoobunnie. Your well being and that of your childs' is number one. His mom can't see that right now so you have to protect both of you. I'm sure it's hard on your boyfriend and perhaps he's still holding out hope everything will get better one day but he has to think of the safety of you and his child.

[tattoobunnie]

Hi Everyone, Thanks for your posts & support. Just wanted to let you know, all of the wedding plans were coming along great...then my MIL got her wedding invitation on Wednesday, flipped out that we tried to honor her with her name on the invitation, and wrote a comment on our wedding website with lies about how I got pregnant on purpose to trap my fiance, yet we got engaged a month before I got pregnant. And that she spoke for the whole family that no one wanted to go, yet his family have already RSVPed, sent presents, etc. She also left 28 threatening messages within a few hours yesterday morning, until I blocked her phone number. I filed a police report since she was also stating my child would suffer (nothing specific).

 

So, my folks are urging us to cancel the wedding and elope or have a small ceremony instead. It's a bummer. And my fiance doesn't know what he wants to do in this situation. Some have joked on getting security, yet it would still cause a commotion, and make the rest of the guest feel uncomfortable. My mom and I will have to speak to him tonight that she needs medical attention.

 

OMG...OptomisticGirl...is that your wedding photo? Yay!

[OptomisticGirl]

Wow. So she was upset that you DID honor her on the invite? I have to say, perhaps it would be best to elope or have a small ceremony with a select few of his family members and yours. This woman is clearly unstable.

 

It is. We posted a slecet few in my journal.

[petite]

What has your fiance done about the threats? It's his mother and he needs to put her in her place.

[Mesemene]

Sorry to hear your future MIL is causing you these issues bunnie.

 

Is there any of his family besides her who sent well wishes/gifts he's particularly close to? It seems most of his family is happy for you two, and just her being a... well, I can't think of a word that wouldn't be censored here...

 

Maybe change the location and see if there's any of his family he really wants there before excluding them all, that or send a nice note to the rest of them saying you're really sorry, but you have to change plans to avoid any family disputes on your big day - and if they'd like to be included, let you know.

 

It would be a shame to have to exclude his whole family for the actions of his mom. Just bear in mind, it's YOUR day, and you don't want her spoiling it for you.

[tattoobunnie]

We were really looking forward to what we planned, though we are now making plans to make a quarter of the size wedding at my friend's restaurant. It'll still be nice, but I was really looking forward to meeting his friends and relatives from afar.

 

Today, I looked at my credit card statement which includes the charges he made for 2nd card I gave to him, and he paid for my MIL's storage unit along with her car insurance weeks ago, all the while saying how we've left her destitute, even though she won't apply for jobs. We got her on Medicaid and to get food stamps...but man, talk about never helping herself.

 

I don't feel strong today. I guess seeing how this will be a part of my life for the next however many years. I guess I feel weird today after her screaming "Jump," and having my fiance go, "how high?!" After days and days of her horrific abusive behavior. Only for him to call himself a "sh*tbag" for not getting her her winter clothes from the storage she rented and chose to get because of her obsessive hoarding and inability to throw things away. It's sad that today I see that he doesn't recognize his self-worth.

[Fudgie]

He needs to cut the umbilical cord from that abusive mother of his. I'm afraid that if things don't improve, your relationship/marriage may suffer as she bleats and moans and he just caters to her every need and feels like crap.

 

I hope he can get feeling worthy again, sit down, and have a very FIRM talk with her about b-o-u-n-d-a-r-i-e-s. Oh, and stop paying for her stuff as well. He needs to stop that.