Tell the folks now or at the party?

[tattoobunnie]

I'm 11 weeks pregnant, and while less than a small handful of close friends know I am, I am throwing an Engagement party with mine and his immediate family on Sunday to really announce that my fiance and I are expecting. I thought this would be a terrific and special way to celebrate and share the news, yet my best friend and brother is saying it would be more respectful to tell our parents in private.

 

What does everyone else think? And thank you!

[DN]

I agree with telling your parents privately. I think they would be incredibly hurt to know you don't think of them as special enough to know beforehand - if your close friends know they should have been told already.

[RedDress]

I agree. There is a high probability that it will be brought up to them by other means or someone will slip something at the party. I'm sure your parents will feel quite hurt that they didn't know beforehand. I think you should tell them first.

[tattoobunnie]

Let me correct that. I thought stress was what made my period late, so my best friend advised getting tested. So she knows. And my brother knows because he guessed by phone since I told him I needed to move the wedding date up. I'm not one to lie when asked a direct question. So, actually, two people know. I was waiting for my Down Syndrome screening today to even consider anything else.

 

I'm somewhat dense at Western practices. I don't get why they would be hurt...why would they think they weren't special or be hurt?

[Seraphim]

Tell your parents in private.

[tattoobunnie]

If I was a guy...does this also mean I would have to tell my folks in private as well, and is not acceptable at a close and intimate dinner party?

 

I really would like to get this...I'm trying to figure out why...

[DN]

I don't get why they would be hurt...why would they think they weren't special or be hurt?

Because, in the West, parents and close family members are usually (but not always) considered to be special people in our lives and it is unusual to treat them the same as friends over matters like this. Remember your parents are going to be this child's grandparents and hopefully will have a close and loving relationship with them.

 

There are people who, for various reasons, don't get on with parents an/or close family, but that is usually considered a sad thing to have happened.

 

If I was a guy...does this also mean I would have to tell my folks in private as well, and is not acceptable at a close and intimate dinner party?

Yes, it does.

[RedDress]

Let me correct that. I thought stress was what made my period late, so my best friend advised getting tested. So she knows. And my brother knows because he guessed by phone since I told him I needed to move the wedding date up. I'm not one to lie when asked a direct question. So, actually, two people know. I was waiting for my Down Syndrome screening today to even consider anything else.

 

I'm somewhat dense at Western practices. I don't get why they would be hurt...why would they think they weren't special or be hurt?

 

Well... when you were worried because your period was late, you told your friend not your parents.

When your brother asked about the wedding date, you felt you could tell him about your pregnancy, so it's not a secret.

 

Your parents want to be an important part of your life. When you were young, you ran to them when you scraped your knee or needed to cry. You went to them with your pain, your happiness, your sorrow - everything. It's natural that you would go to your parents less as you get older and turn to others for support. But when it comes to major life events like having a baby, parents always want to be your parents. To them, you are still their children. They want to feel that you still want to go to them first with all of your major life events. It made them feel special that you turned to them when you were little. They usually want to feel that same specialness as an adult.

 

Not going to them first implies you don't need them anymore. It's just.... sad.

 

But each family is different.

[Seraphim]

Yes, that stands if you are a guy too. For me I do not hold friends in the same category as family. My family comes first and I do them the consideration of telling them the important things in my life before all my friends know.

[arwen]

Another vote for telling the parents before you tell others or make it 'public' so to say. I am actually surprised you didn't tell them earlier I wasn't able to keep it from them longer than a week after I found out myself haha!

 

Congrats

[Seraphim]

Yup, also parents will be grandparents not some joe blow off the street. The way I see it family will always be in my life. Friends? Not necessarily. But as you say everyone is different.

[tattoobunnie]

I think my folks are beyond awesome. When my eldest brother shared the news of his first, he took me and my folks out to dinner, and I thought that was a really great way to celebrate. So it's not an issue of being close to my folks. Would it be embaressing for them or something?

 

I guess I'm confused because I thought this was my me, the father, our wedding and our baby-to-be. Not about everyone else...

 

DN...I know I shouldn't comment or assume anything with your age, but do you have any grandkids? And how did your kids break the news?

[Seraphim]

I told my parents in person with just them. My husband phoned his parents. We did that with all our pregnancies but the last, I had to phone my family because we live several hours away now.

[DN]

 

I guess I'm confused because I thought this was my me, the father, our wedding and our baby-to-be. Not about everyone else...

 

DN...I know I shouldn't comment or assume anything with your age, but do you have any grandkids? And how did your kids break the news?

 

Yes, I have two grandchildren and my daughter told us privately.

 

It's nice to think it's just about you, the father and baby - but be careful because the baby deserves loving grandparents and aunts and uncles too. If you shut them out or make them feel unimportant you may deprive your children of important people in their lives. Don't be too insular - you will have plenty of time for just your small family to be alone and there will be times you are more than grateful for your family's help and support.

[tattoobunnie]

Another vote for telling the parents before you tell others or make it 'public' so to say. I am actually surprised you didn't tell them earlier I wasn't able to keep it from them longer than a week after I found out myself haha!

 

Congrats

 

Man, you seriously have a gerber baby (meaning, total cutie patootee!)

[DN]

Aw that was so cute. That's what I want...to do something special to share the good news.

 

I mean, this party is really only my immediate family, his mom and dad, and my best friend and her husband. It's not exactly a bunch of strangers.

 

My brother...he asked me a direct question, "Are you pregnant?" and I don't lie.

If your family consider your best friend part of the family then maybe - but it won't hurt to tell them separately.

 

I think you would be wise not to take risk of hurting them.

[tattoobunnie]

Am I shutting my parents out out by waiting to tell them on Sunday?

 

Would my parents really make up such a story that I didn't care about them because I didn't tell them immediately, even before my DS screening? I also read that it's unsafe to tell people before 12 weeks because of miscarriage.

 

I guess I did leave out the part when I had an incident 3 years ago, and hence have not shouted this from the mountain tops.

[Seraphim]

Some people do not want to tell before 12 weeks and I guess that is their right but many many people tell before 12 weeks. It depends on the couple. I always told the same day I found out I was pregnant each time and I have had 4 miscarriages.I would rather have my family's support if I did have a miscarriage than to have to live with it alone.

[tattoobunnie]

Okay...I guess I will...now I'm stressed trying to figure out how to break the news while trying to make it special, and finding the time to do it...all before Sunday.

 

I dunno...maybe I feel pressure to make it super special (with the party), because our engagement was close to us finding out about the baby...that I feel like they'll judge us, and think we're only getting married because we're pregnant. So I want "sea monkey" (nickname) to have its own special story...not some hush secret.

 

Our engagement wasn't formal and I don't have a ring, so I thought making this formal would be really great.

 

I guess everyone on here thinks I have two heads for not telling them separately.

[sophie274]

Given how small the party is - when you said engagement party, I pictured a big party with all your friends, at least 50 people or so - and that it's just your family, it feels a bit different, but I agree that they might be hurt if they find out they're the only ones at the party who didn't know (since your brother and best friend already know). I think it's fine that you waited this long to tell them for fear of problems with the pregnancy - I think my mother waited even longer since she was older when she got pregnant - but I think you'll be doing the extra careful and sensitive thing if you tell them beforehand. Then you can all celebrate at dinner.

 

And honestly, I don't think you need to worry about making it special. I know some people hatch up elaborate plans and schemes and design the whole thing - but you're telling them that they're going to have a grandchild! It's going to be special even if you tell them in a dumpster! Well, I have neither children or grandchildren so I can't speak from experience, but I feel pretty sure they're going to be over the moon even if it's not in some engineered setting, time and place.

[sophie274]

Oh, and in terms of worrying about them judging you - I've had several cousins who come from religious families get pregnant out of wedlock (one got engaged right around the same time), and the parents were SO excited and did not judge at all. I don't think your baby will ever be some hush secret.

[Seraphim]

Exactly. People do not have to "make" it special. It already IS.

[DN]

I agree with this.

[tattoobunnie]

Thanks. This was really helpful.

[OptomisticGirl]

Def think you should tell the parents. I would never dream of telling a large group of people before I had told my mom. Just tlling them will be special enough. I don't plan on telling anyone we are pregnant (when we get pregnant) until I'm at least three months, and that includes family.