Anushas Journal

[greywolf]

In one of your past threads, Hex asked you the following question:

 

 

 

And this was your answer:

 

 

 

Take a long, quiet minute to consider the terrifying nature of what's going on.

 

You are openly looking for a guy to make you the entire centre of his universe. Naturally, anything less than that is going to make you flip out and think there's a problem.

 

So from then on, what stems is that you buy yourself a boyfriend, that you call him six times in one day because you need to control his feelings and whereabouts, that you need to make him completely dependent on you financially and that you feel threatened when his income goes up.

 

 

Anusha, after reading this post, it struck me that if the situation were reversed, if you were dependent on your boyfriend for money and he was as controlling as you are, we'd be calling it financial emotional/domestic abuse. Is that what you want?

[petite]

Today was long but this time is diferent cause it is a big warning sign that just cant be ignored.The guy was on the same place as me on the same time and just didnt mention(and didnt seem to want to when I asked either) to meet me.

 

He does not care about you, therefore seeing you is not a priority.

 

Plus he got that job thanks to me so he should be showing his apreciation to that instead of doing the oposite and distancing himself.

He got the job because they want/need him or because he is qualified. All you did was send the resume. If he thanked you, that should be enough. A friend would offer to take you out to dinner or drinks.

 

But isnt fair,after all that I did to help him? Seriously I made his life a lot better in every way.I not only helped him with his expenses but also got him a better paid job.You dont find that everyday.

 

You did not get it, he got it. You just did secretarial work.

 

 

Time to open your eyes Anusha, smell the coffee and realize this guy does not care one bit about you.

 

He is far from a morally good person (judging by your threads), but your issues are solely yours. You choose to be in this charade and to continue it. I think until you seek professional help for your anxiety and your personal issues, any relationship you have will turn out badly. People don't like to be controlled and they certainly don't want to be on call all the time.

 

Here is an example: If I am busy at work, I have no time for anyone and unless it's an emergency my fiance can call but If I don't have time to answer I wont, and if he continued calling and calling and sending messages I'd be very frustrated.

 

If your were in a healthy relationship all that would be required would be one single call, if he can answer he will, his phone wouldn't be dead all the time and getting in touch after work would be enough, because then you can meet up, go to his house, spend quality time etc. As it stands you wont ever go to his house because it's not a real relationship for him and he obviously has little respect for you.

[FarthestEdge]

That's ALL you have to say to ISJ's post? "I read it. (now back to my compulsive need to be reassured 27 times a day)"

 

Honestly, the effort some people put into trying to get through to you, you'd think you could at least make the effort to pretend to consider what they are saying before you dismiss their POV because it isn't what you want (as opposed to what you need- which isn't what you think you need anyway)

 

Someone earlier likened you to an addict. While I think that's close to the mark, honestly, even that doesn't quite capture it. At least an addict gets a high...you just get a very temporary feeling of relief. That's the best it gets for you. Relief, for a moment. A temporary respite from the heightened anxiety, fear, and panic you express here multiple times a day. It must be SO exhausting being you.

 

If we tell you what you want to hear, you just ask to hear it again, and again and again and again. You are never sated in your hunger for reassurance.

 

If we tell you what you don't want (but need) to hear, you just pay lip service to the advice offered (or flat out ignore it), and then go back to demanding that SOMEONE give you reassurance.

 

I can barely read your posts, it really saddens me that a woman will choose to put herself what you are putting yourself through. And it frustrates me that you are getting so much practical advice that you willfully, deliberately ignore. I wonder if you like the drama of a complicated and miserable life, because I_S_J hit the mark right on. You are CHOOSING to live this way, and as long as you do, nothing will change.

 

I don't know why you are so damaged that you will choose to live this way, but don't you think it's time you take responsibility for your OWN happiness, instead of trying to hire someone to do it for you? How's that working for you, anyway?

 

Until you decide that you are ready to work on YOU, and forget about what you think you are entitled to from Deuce Bigelo, there's no point in anyone giving you any feedback.

 

All the same, I too copied I_S_J's post, because maybe, MAYBE, if you read it one more time, you might actually THINK about what he's said.

 

I hope you see the light soon.

[thejigsup]

She ignores everyone and everything but her need to control. We can't help her here, she needs to see a professional.

[superfox]

Anusha, what does he say to you?

Does he love you? think you're hot? think you're the one?

 

I so want to hug you.

[princess5]

Hey Anusha how are you doing?

[Anusha]

Hey Anusha how are you doing?

 

Hi princess Im doing fine.Things seem to have got a lot better the past days.Yesterday I meet with my guy and we had a nice time.He was so sweet and talkative.He told me everything about his new job and how he is excited with it,he even came with his uniform just to show me(I think that was so cute).He suposed to work 8 hours a day but for now they dont have anybody to stay there after he is gone so he is staying 3 extra hours everyday(what means he works around 12 hours per day).And that is good for him cause they pay extra hours so that means he will get paid more.And even being tired from those long hours working he still made it to meet me yesterday,what I thought was very sweet.I can see he is really trying to get better in life and get a salary that he can live comfortable with.What makes me think that he isnt using me.If he was he would just continue where he was and not go trough all that.He would want a easy life with me providing him with all the money and he doing no effort,he wouldnt be going after it himself.He even said yesterday that when he starts geting paid he wants us to share things when we go out(either sometimes he paying and other times me or we sharing the bill).

[Anusha]

So the sky has been falling on my head.I have zero money right now and I cant stand that.Plus I had a fight with my parents and neither of them are talking to me since last wednesday.I even had to sell the tickets they gave me to buy lunch at work so I could have some money.But I spent it all going out with my guy on saturday(I know I shouldnt have but I just couldnt help it).Now we both working we dont see or call each other as often as before and so when Im with him I want to stay as much as possible(what lead to me spending a lot).I have been going crazy thinking on ways to get money everyday.I just dont know what to do anymore.I just wish I could have the life I had when I still had my saving acount and so money was not a problem.When I could just go out when and for how long I wanted without having to worry.

[Fudgie]

The well is drying up, Anusha. Time to cut the umbilical cord on your man-child boyfriend or else you're going to go deep into debt.

[calichick007]

He makes more than you do, and more than he was making before, right? Why couldn't he pay on Saturday?

[greywolf]

After all the overtime hours that he's working, you're still paying for your dates?

[FarthestEdge]

Anusha- do you know what most intelligent, self-aware grown ups do when they have no money?

 

They stop spending money on things that aren't NECESSITIES.

 

Savings never last and credit card limits are easily reached, when you spend more than you take in.

 

Dinner and drinks at a restaurant are not a need. FYI, my husband and I make a very decent living, well above the national average. Yet we haven't been out for dinner/drinks in months....you know why? Because it's more important to pay the mortgage, buy groceries, pay insurance premiums, buy our kids school clothes and save (there's a novel concept) for our retirement and a planned family vacation.

 

You have to live within your means. Madonna can afford to keep men on her payroll. You cannot.

 

Sorry, I have no pity for you. You showed zero restraint and no responsibility for yourself. I wonder, is the fight with your parents over money? Are you expecting them to now pay for your lifestyle and bf now that you no longer can?

[ToF]

Anusha, why did you pay for him?? He said he would start paying for things, didn't he?

[hexaemeron]

Anusha, you are by far one of the saddest cases I've seen here ever. I hope you get help.

[princess5]

Hi Anusha.. haven't seen you on here for a while... you ok?

[somethngwrng]

I've read a lot of your threads, Anusha. I didn't check them for a while but it's obvious things are getting worse - you're PAYING for this guy to be your bf now? You both have jobs, yet you pay for everything until the point you're selling stuff to get money? This is like a drug addiction. Please break up with this guy and find someone who loves you.

[Anusha]

I paid because he didnt received his salary yet,so even though he is working extra hours and making more money he still has no money as before right now.

[Fudgie]

Anusha, where does all of his money go? Is he just dumping it down the drain on frivolous things?

 

Honey, you deserve much better.

[Anusha]

I have mixed feelings today.I have been a bit unsatisfatied with the amount of atention that he has been giving me lately but I think Im being a bit selfish.After all he has been working 12 hours a day and waking up at 5am.I guess I just got used with how things were before when he used to call me everyday and sometimes a few times a day even and now is diferent.For example he doesnt call from his work anymore,when he calls is usualy after he leaves work(what means I have to wait until night for his call).Im not sure why he does that but I think is because he is new at the job and so has to cause a good impression.Plus here the first 3 months on a job is like a test where they watch your behaviour to see if you fit on the job.And before he was on the other job for more than a year(so had passed the 3 months test) and so was more comfortable to call during work time,I think is that.We have been meeting quite often though(the last time we meet was on tuesday).And I could see how worn out he was,he barely could keep his eyes open(but even so he stayed until prety late what I think was nice).I guess the problem is more the phone calls that have been less lately.Yesterday he called me fast early in the morning to wake me up and on my lunch break I called him again to talk a litle.Today I was going to wait for him to call since it was me who iniciated it yesterday but I couldnt handle it and end up texting him.I asked him to call me later but I end up calling him after waiting a few minutes after the time he leaves work.We talked fast cause he was on the bus and so could barely hear me.But I couldnt stop wondering why he didnt call me before he got on the bus then.Anyway I just have been wanting more atention but at the same time I feel selfish for want it seeing all that he is going trough.What you all think,am I being too demanding?

[Anusha]

Anusha, where does all of his money go? Is he just dumping it down the drain on frivolous things?

 

Honey, you deserve much better.

 

He didnt get paid much on his last job and had lots of expenses like rent,food,bills,his car,child suport and so on.

[penelope13]

You are not demanding enough. You are not demanding of yourself to have a higher self esteem and self respect to get out of a toxic relationship. You are not demanding enough of him to treat you like a respected person.

 

You are not even demanding to properly define how this relationship should work, i.e. how much/what you can expect for your money.

[Anusha]

You are not even demanding to properly define how this relationship should work, i.e. how much/what you can expect for your money.

 

Something happened today about that.He asked me to use my credit card to pay for his cair repair and I wouldnt mind doing it(like I did a few times before even) if it wasnt for one thing.I dont feel that he is giving me much lately.I try to help him every time I can but when comes to him doing what he suposed to he doesnt do much sometimes.For example we were going to meet on thursday after work but he moved it to today saying that he was stuck on trafic and would get late.Today he called me saying that he wouldnt be able to meet cause he had to pick up his car.He was going to do it tomorrow after his work but he said that the guy who fixed it wont open the shop tomorrow so he had to do it today.I got pretty bothered that our meeting had to be postponed (we moved it to tomorrow) again.I even asked him "We will meet tomorrow for sure?" and "We will really meet?" what I could noticed that bothered him a litle but I guess I have a point after all that happened.He said "Yes we will,if I say we will meet we will meet" but I thought to myself that he had said we would meet today and we end up not meeting so he saying it isnt guarante of anything.Anyway I dont know what to do cause I suposed to use my credicard tomorrow morning but like I said I just feel fine paying for it if we will really meet.I dont think is fair me doing my part while he doesnt do his.Like somebody said on my thread once he has to earn the money.The problem is that we suposed to meet after he leaves work(what means it will be after I pay) so there is no way to know if he will really keep his part.I guess I just will have to trust and see.

[chitown9]

No, Anusha!!Don't use your credit card to pay for his car repairs...... Just tell him that you checked and you don't have any more credit on the card. You are doing way too much for this guy. He is now earning more money from his job and yet he still wants you to help him financially. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You need to stop the handouts to him!!....

[diamond78]

You do realize that the only reason why he will definitely meet with you tomorrow is so he can get his car paid for and not because he actually wants to spend time with you, right??

 

Girl, if all you want is just a boyfriend....I can find you one real quick and someone who won't run your funds deep into the ground!

[princess5]

what are you worried about Anusha? That is is becoming distant?