Anushas Journal

[petite]

Anusha, I really feel bad for you; it must be extremely difficult living the way you do and going through so much anxiety and worrying about a man and his actions. It seems like he doesn't really care about you, and the sad thing is I think you would put up with a lot more from him, because you are afraid of being alone. You obviously want to have a boyfriend and want to have someone to share your life with (absolutely normal) that you seem to dismiss all the red flags. I fear this man will use you even more and in the end he will leave you with nothing except huge amounts of debt, heartbreak and a lot of pain.

I think that you are very confused when it comes to him and I'm not sure how old you are, where you live or whether you have had a boyfriend before, but a healthy relationship should not be causing so much anxiety, obsessiveness and distress.

 

It seems like you have a lot of time on your hands and obsess over things such as calls and analyze things he says and that alone must be exhausting to live with - it's exhausting to read about it and I am not very shocked by some of the responses because people probably do feel they were wasting their time. I feel bad that you can't/won't open your eyes clearly.

You have said that you want to believe everything is good and fine, and that's nothing more than being delusional. You're afraid of going to the store where he works because of what he might think, and you're afraid of asking him questions because he might leave you, therefore you bury your head in the sand and want to pretend everything is fine; however, deep down I know you are very aware that things are not fine and they wont be until you find out the truth. Pretending things are fine is very different from them actually being fine.

If this man cares about you, he will see you whether you have money or not and if he misses you then visiting the store would actually make him happy. If it doesn't then you really need to sit and think long and hard about the type of relationship you want to be in.

 

Do you want to be loved? Do you want your boyfriend to call you or send text messages without giving excuses about battery dying? How about meeting his friends and family?

I suspect he is either married or has a girlfriend/fiance that lives with him. I have many male friends some that live alone, with girlfriends, parents, relatives, roommates and have never, ever experienced anyone using an excuse like your boyfriend does - not at 29. It seems really odd that his aunt would have a problem with him speaking to a friend or girlfriend; he is an adult and can do whatever he wants. More often than not I find aunts want to know about their nephews lives, girls and friends because they want to see them happy and not control their lives - it just makes no sense.

 

Why don’t you offer to cook a meal for him at your home on Saturday night and invite him to dine with you? How about a coffee at his house with the aunt?

It is extremely odd that you have never been to his house, met anyone from his side and that he never talks to you whilst at home. The only logical reasons for that is that you’re not important to him and that there is another woman in his life.

 

I really think you should think about seeking therapy, not because of him but because of yourself. The constantly calling, obsessing and anxiety need to be treated by a professional; until you start thinking rationally and noticing clear signs of deceit it might be best to stay clear of men for a while.

In a healthy relationship you would know where he lives, be able to contact him at any point throughout the day and reach him, there would be no need for constantly calls 5-6 times during the day and most important you would feel loved, appreciated and cared for. You could go to his house at any time and there wouldn’t be a need to post daily threads on a relationship forum and in turn pretend that everything is fine. I find it odd that you have a “meeting place”; I’ve never had a boyfriend whom I couldn’t take home or that wouldn’t take me to his house – no matter who they lived with. It really doesn’t seem like he is genuine and I hope you realize this sooner rather than later.

 

If I were in your situation I’d do the following: Visit him at the store, Wait for him to call, ask to visit his house and meet the aunt and if he offered to go to the “meeting place” I would say I’ve got no money therefore he would have to pay, would not do any secretarial work and would not contact him until he made contact with me. His true colors would show if you did that. I would also give him an ultimatum. Since he is 29, I’d ask him to take me to his house because I want to know where he lives and who with. If he were to get offended by my request I’d explain that I suspect he is living with a woman whom is not his aunt and unless he is willing to show me how genuinely he only has me in his life and wants to be with me then I’d leave the relationship.

 

As it stands now there is no future with him. You know nothing about him; he has a child, which you pay for (extremely odd, I’ve never met anyone willing to pay for their husbands child support never mind boyfriend). You will not be engaged or married to this man because the relationship is not genuine from his side and I fear you will be left quite broken once you actually realize the truth and are willing to see him for what he is.

 

I wish you all the best, I think you wont address anything I’ve written, but I have decided to post this in hopes that you would choose to see the man and relationship for what they are and hopefully one day you will move past this whole mess, get better and have a boyfriend that actually wants to be with you without paying him; and that’s going to be happy to take you home to his mother, aunt, sister and other people and show you off as his girlfriend.

[Anusha]

I have been working on trying to control my thoughts and not let my anxiety take control.I just meet with my guy on his break and we had a nice time.He even kissed me in the midle of the avenue where he works(what is pretty risky since there is always a chance that somebody that works there can be passing).Anyway when we were leaving he said "Send my regards to your brother"(my brother just arrived here for my mother's birthday tomorrow).And he joked saying "Ask him if he doesnt want to meet me". I said "Ok, if you can go there tomorrow".I invited him to go to my mother's bitrthday celebration tomorrow.I talked with him about that before and he said he would see if it was possible for him to come.After that he said something that I didnt understand(he was walking away going back to work) to which I said "Ok,bye". I think he probably said something like that he would try to come or anything like that.But now Im wondering if maybe was something bad.I know is probably my anxiety that is making me think that cause it doesnt make sense he saying something bad.Even though I couldnt understand what he said,we were fine and talking nice so thinking rationaly it doesnt make sense he saying something bad out of nowhere.

[Oneironaut]

Even though I couldnt understand what he said,we were fine and talking nice so thinking rationaly it doesnt make sense he saying something bad out of nowhere.

 

Nope it doesn't make any sense, so hold onto that thought. There's no point in worrying about something that doesn't even make sense.

 

The power of positive thinking is awesome, keep up the good work.

[Anusha]

He just called me to know if I had arrived fine so now I know I was worrying over nothing.It was a good think I didnt let it get to me so much.

[HeartGoesOn]

That's a step in the right direction, Anusha!

[Oneironaut]

He just called me to know if I had arrived fine so now I know I was worrying over nothing.It was a good think I didnt let it get to me so much.

 

Yes, it was a good thing.

[Anusha]

My guy got a new job today and that let me very insecure.Actualy it was me who got that job for him cause it was me who send his resume.And he had went there before and brought his resume but they had never called him and now I sent it trough the internet they not only called him for a interview but gave him the job.That job is much better than his old one cause it has more benefits plus it pays extra hours so he can take more money.Besides it has a chance to grow too,he has a friend that works there that in 3 months got a better paid function.Anyway Im happy for him of course but at the same time Im afraid that now that he is making more money that he wont need me anymore.I have noticed some changes on his behaviour even.For example unlike he was doing until sunday he didnt iniciate contact with me today.All the contact we had today was thanks to me,he responded to it but didnt iniciate anything.Today I started on my new job so Im not sure if maybe that was the reason why he did that(I mean maybe he thought would disturb me or anything like that).On my lunch break I texted him asking to call me if he could talk(I didnt know if he had finished the interview yet).About 40 minutes later he called me and I asked about the interview,he said he got the job and that they asked him to start tomorrow already so he would be busy in the afternoon with medical exams and sorting the documents for that.We talked a litle about the job and then he said "....(something I didnt understand),cause my phone is..." and then the call just got mute for a few minutes and then got disconected.I tried calling again but it wouldnt conect.I tried one more time and his phone was of(I thought the batery had finished cause on the beginning of our talk he had said it was about to finish).I called again to be sure but this time it worked(to my surprise) and he answered and said "I talk to you again later"(I thought he was busy with something about the job maybe) and said ok and hang up.About 2 hours later I tried calling again to know how went on the doctor and so on and his mobile was of.I texted him asking him to call me to let me know how it went when he was finished sorting things.About 3 hours later(I thought he wouldnt even call anymore),he called me and said he was just finished with all that.That he spent all afternoon sorting it and they even did the training and got their name tag ready to start tomorrow.It was about 10 minutes left for me to leave work btw and he said he was going close to where my bus stop is to cut his hair.I then said "What about we meet then?"(to which he didnt answer and continued talking about the job,Im not sure if he just didnt hear or was dodging the question).I also think he lied about his work time too cause the first time we talked he just mentioned the time he would work saturday and when I asked which time he would work the other days he said from 6am to 6pm.But that means working 12 hours and he had told me before that it wasnt any 12 hours shift avaliable,so I didnt get that much.Plus he had said he would work everyday and here when you work 12 hours you have to work one day yes and other not.Anyway he said he had to go and hang up.I called again and asked if we could meet since I was about to leave work and he would be near my bus stop to cut his hair.He said he didnt know and that he would have to see cause his aunt was home today so he would have to call her and make up a excuse.I said "Oh it is her free day today?" He said it was and said "The batery on my phone is finishing so I will have to put it of".I said ok and when I was in the midle of saying "Just give me a call if you can make it then",the call got disconected.I dont know if he hang up or if the batery finished,anyway I didnt try calling anymore after that.I went to my bus stop and even stayed there a while in case he would call to set up for us to meet but he didnt call so I just went home.Anyway I think it was very weird that he didnt want to meet me even thought he would be near the place I was at about the same time as me.Dont you think that strange? Plus the fact the he didnt iniciate any contact today and seemed to cut it short all the times I did iniciated it(maybe it was because his batery was really finishing,I dont know).What you all think about that? Im being paranoid or I do have a reason to worry?

[Anusha]

Please people help me out here,Im really worried about that and need advices on what to do

[ToF]

Im afraid that now that he is making more money that he wont need me anymore.

 

I hope you recognize that in a healthy, functioning, "normal" relationship, this would not even be a concern.

 

We have told you that this guy's behavior is not normal. Even if you were not financially supporting him, this relationship would not be a healthy one for you.

 

You should stop contacting him. Let HIM contact YOU. Don't offer to pay for anything any more. Make him ask for it. Gradually stop paying for all of his stuff, or cut him off altogether.

 

Either way Anusha, stop paying for him and stop chasing after him.

[Anusha]

I hope you recognize that in a healthy, functioning, "normal" relationship, this would not even be a concern.

 

We have told you that this guy's behavior is not normal. Even if you were not financially supporting him, this relationship would not be a healthy one for you.

 

You should stop contacting him. Let HIM contact YOU. Don't offer to pay for anything any more. Make him ask for it. Gradually stop paying for all of his stuff, or cut him off altogether.

 

Either way Anusha, stop paying for him and stop chasing after him.

 

You think he is distancing from me? (from his behaviour that I just described)

[ToF]

Yes, I do think he is distancing himself from you. And I think the more you try to chase after him, the further he will pull away from you.

[I_Speak_Jive]

In one of your past threads, Hex asked you the following question:

 

Let me ask you, Anusha. Totally honestly, would you want someone to make you their entire world, forsaking all other things out there? Careers, interests, family, friends. Is that something that would make you feel good?

 

And this was your answer:

 

To be honest yes I guess I would

 

Take a long, quiet minute to consider the terrifying nature of what's going on.

 

You are openly looking for a guy to make you the entire centre of his universe. Naturally, anything less than that is going to make you flip out and think there's a problem.

 

So from then on, what stems is that you buy yourself a boyfriend, that you call him six times in one day because you need to control his feelings and whereabouts, that you need to make him completely dependent on you financially and that you feel threatened when his income goes up.

 

I am sorry Anusha, but that's just awful. I know a lot of ENA contributors have tried - with their best intentions - to let you know how victimised you are by this guy who is using you for your money, but honestly, the guy doesn't matter. His motivations don't matter. What matters here is YOU, and how low you are willing to sink. It's really ugly, what you are doing.

 

But hey, that doesn't seem to bother you. All you appear to be interested in here is hearing that he is not pulling away from you. As long as you have him under your control, all is good as far as you are concerned. And fair enough - that is your choice and that is how you voluntarily choose to conduct your life.

 

But that choice comes with consequences.

 

Post after post after post, we can all tell you that what you are doing is wrong; that you simply cannot BUY yourself a boyfriend; and that all that money would be far better spent in getting some much-needed professional help. What we haven't really drilled into your head yet is that YOU are responsible for everything that's going on, and that you've got exactly what you have chosen to have.

 

If you finally chose to take responsibility over what you are doing, and if you choose something else, you WILL get something else. But unless you make a change, you are going to continue to get more of the same: more anxiety, more insecurity, and more unhappiness for you and those around you.

 

Your call.

[annie24]

Anusha - what is it about this guy that is just so great that you cannot bear to lose him? Is he the world's best lover? does he look like a model? he's clearly not rich, that's not why you want him - if anything, he has been using you for money!! Personally, I don't see that he is a prize! Why are you so worried about losing him?

[Anusha]

Anusha - what is it about this guy that is just so great that you cannot bear to lose him? Is he the world's best lover? does he look like a model? he's clearly not rich, that's not why you want him - if anything, he has been using you for money!! Personally, I don't see that he is a prize! Why are you so worried about losing him?

 

Cause I like him and enjoy being with him.I really cant stand to lose him and just the thought of that scares me.That is why when I notice signs that he is distancing(like the ones I just posted) I get like that.Im trying to get what is going on but I just cant.Saturday he called me about 4 times(even when he was leaving work he just called me to let me know that he was leaving work).And now that? really it doesnt make sense.

[annie24]

What does he do for you? does he make you feel amazing? you've only been together for 3 months - what has he done that he is so amazing your life is incomplete without him? as far as I can tell - you have nice dates, but in between dates, you are an anxious mess. that's not healthy. a good relationship should make you FEEL good. if you are anxious, it means that something is very wrong, either with yourself, or the relationship. Of course, in your case, it is both things that are not right. He hasn't ever taken you to his place, introduced you to his "aunt" - not really signs of a stable relationship.

[Capricorn3]

^^ THIS is such an awesome post. It's a great pity that the message will be completely lost/ignored by the OP.

 

Anusha, do yourself a big favour: Print the above message and stick it on your mirror where you can see and read it every single day. Hopefully the message will eventually sink in, but I'm sure most of us here already know that won't happen. We live in hope and die in despair.

[penelope13]

I can only underline everything that ISJ said.

 

Anusha, I will not dissect your account of your day for you. By now you should know exactly what I think and feel about the situation you are in (you can just read up any of my posts on your threads). I will not feed your obsession and anxiety.

 

If you ask me about help how to get out of this situation, I am more than happy to give you any advice/support that I can provide.

 

This guy is in it for money, now that he has more of that himself, he will need you even less. I don't believe that he likes you much. And to be brutally honest given your answer on a different thread that you have nothing going on in your life than your work and this sham of a relationship, I can't see how you can be exciting to anyone currently. I am not saying this to be mean, but to encourage you to broaden your horizon and to find new things to do with your life and yourself. That will give you the opportunity to meet new people, to increase your self esteem.

 

But as someone else has also said on one of your threads: apparently you are not suffering enough yet, otherwise you would chose to do something about your situation.

 

Did you try at all to incrementally decrease the amount of time that you are allowing yourself to worry about this as you said you would?

[Anusha]

^^ THIS is such an awesome post. It's a great pity that the message will be completely lost/ignored by the OP.

 

Anusha, do yourself a big favour: Print the above message and stick it on your mirror where you can see and read it every single day. Hopefully the message will eventually sink in, but I'm sure most of us here already know that won't happen. We live in hope and die in despair.

 

It wasnt ignored,I read what he said.But I just cant stand to lose him and want help to not let it happen.I have tried to pull him closer by contacting him today but it doesnt seem to have helped.I dont know what more to do.

[annie24]

It wasnt ignored,I read what he said.But I just cant stand to lose him and want help to not let it happen.I have tried to pull him closer by contacting him today but it doesnt seem to have helped.I dont know what more to do.

 

you can't use money to make a man love you. it just doesn't work like that. men love a woman's essence, her being, what is is about, what she looks like, etc.... money is like the last thing on their list when it comes to love! it's not like you are an heiress with a lot of money to spoil a man with either. you are pretty broke yourself. I agree with penelope about developing your own hobbies/interests/etc... maybe some women will stay with and marry a man for his money, but I promise you, it does not work the other way around.

[Anusha]

Yes I have and lately that have been working pretty good(I even posted about it here a few days ago).But when he starts doing things like today it really gets me.Is like it is confirming my bigests fears(that he is distancing).And how you explain he being extra sweet on saturday? I mean why he did that?

[calichick007]

You can't stop it from happening, Anusha. Love and commitment make people stay in relationships. Neither of those are present here.

[penelope13]

Just stating the obvious: if the only reason this guy is with you for the money - why in the world would you help him to find a better paid job? This is literally cutting off the branch you are sitting on (not sure if that is a proper english saying?).

[Anusha]

Plus he got that job thanks to me so he should be showing his apreciation to that instead of doing the oposite and distancing himself.

[OptomisticGirl]

Plus he got that job thanks to me so he should be showing his apreciation to that instead of doing the oposite and distancing himself.

 

He was only with you for your money, why would he NOT distance himself?

[penelope13]

So how much time are you currently allowing yourself to worry about this?