I never wanted to be here...

[Fudgie]

But here I am.

 

I recently "took a break" from eNA since I had a busy, busy summer ahead of me (looking for a job, doing a job, classes, etc).

 

But now I am back, and I have some bad news. It's taken me just a little bit to write this.

 

I left B recently. He's gone. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I had to do it.

 

There wasn't anything nefarious going on, no cheating or anything of the like. His depression got worse. If any of you followed my story, you'd see that he was suffering with it for a long, long time. He lost weight and now is at a plateau but is very sad with his life. Things just snowballed in his talk, in his mannerisms. I no longer felt like he even cared for me. I'm NOT an insecure person but this really began to drive me up the WALL. I don't do well when I don't feel loved in a relationship. I'm not the sort who wants all the contact, I just want to feel affection once in a while.The last time I visited him, everything was different. The air was thick. I was just a housemate doing his chores. I felt like he was slipping away into a deep depression with only his dogs to love and I was just not a passenger on that voyage. We were not connected. All of my attempts were met with a sigh or a gruff.

 

I asked him to get help but he refused. No meds, "they are bad". Then one day it just clicked. He wasn't going to get better. I've been struggling with this for months. At this point, he can't even reassure me that he loves me, yet he won't seek help. This is not a new thing for us and we've struggled with this in the past. I have depression, I get it. It sucks and it's bad. I've been on medication that WORKS for me for so many years and have done therapy. I at least want him to try therapy but he won't do it.

 

B and I were together for a long, long time. I love him dearly. I always will.

 

I told him that until he does something for his depression, I can no longer be with him. I know that his untreated depression (yes, he's always had it and has never done anything about it!) has negatively impacted other relationships in the past. I swore that I wasn't going to be one of them. He didn't even seem to care when I left. Maybe that was the depression, I don't know.

 

I feel like a damn fool. I want to hide in shame. I tried so hard, so damn hard. With me being 21 and him 59 (my how the years have flown by) everyone said that we would fail, that we would never be happy together. Now all the naysayers were right. I've gotten so many "I told you so's" that it breaks my heart to little bits. People almost smile when they hear that we have split. It just makes my pain worse. Can you imagine breaking up with someone and instead of people who you're close commiserating with you, they celebrate? It's SICK. Please don't you dare do that to me, ENA. You have no idea how much it hurts.

 

Was I stupid for thinking that we would make it? Maybe I'm just that dumb, naive little girl that everyone seems to think I am right now. But we were so happy and were together for almost 3 years. barely any sex too and I was happy. WHY CAN'T HE GET TREATMENT.

 

I want to go back to how things were. My father (who is supportive of us) says that I have to be ready for him not to change because he's been this way for so long. But I want him back and I can't be with him with that depression. I am scared of the future ahead of me in terms of relationships. I've found that since being with B, my sex drive has shriveled up. I don't feel that desire. I feel unfit for anything in the future without it and I don't even think I want to have, but I am scared because many relationships "require" it.

 

I am doing okay overall though. Better than I was. Interestingly though, I have distanced myself a little bit from my father now as I try to heal and feel better. I'm learning a new instrument. Music distracts me and takes the pain away. I also have gone through a brief (as in, 2 days) of HEAVY drinking. That didn't make me feel better. I just felt kinda queasy, sleepy, and I wasted a lot of money on the wine.

 

Shed a tear for me but shed many more for B. My heart is hurting for him.

 

I don't know if he'll come back but something tells me that he won't. I'm not sure what kills more, that he won't feel happy, or that he doesn't want to TRY to feel happy again for my sake?

 

I love you B but I can't be with you.

 

I'm unsure if I'll even stay around on ENA now. I feel useless. Such an advocate for those in my situation and now I'm broken up. I feel like a hypocrite or that I've failed those who I have helped. It's a sick feeling.

[DN]

I am so sorry this has happened but please don't blame yourself. If he would not help himself how could you help him? You did all you could and you stuck by him longer than most people. I know how sad you must be but this is not your fault - don't put that burden on your shoulders, it doesn't belong there.

 

And ignore those who say I told you so" - it was not the age gap but his depression and they could not have predicted that.

 

You are most certainly not useless.

[Fudgie]

I know that I couldn't help him and I think that hurts. I just feel really useless, like a bad partner. I'm getting through it and like I said, it's better than I was before.

 

It's just irrational crap and if there's one thing I hate it's irrational crap. I feel awful and I can't help it.

[DN]

I understand. But at the moment, and this is normal and understandable, your emotions are in charge. But you are a pragmatist as well as being goodhearted and soon your common sense will stand you in good stead. You are neither useless nor a bad partner and at some level you know that.

[Fudgie]

The only two people who didn't say "I told you so" were my father and my best friend. Both are supporting me. Bless them both.

 

I held onto my father the night before I broke it off and CRIED for over an hour. I mean just squeezed him and cried my eyes out. I've never cried harder. It was just HEART WRENCHING.

 

My best friend has been paying for me for when I go to hookah and has been asking me how I've been, letting me vent.

 

Half of my IRL friends never knew about B and the other half are just happy that he's gone.

I feel both sad but I also feel like "screw them", the half that laughs at me now.

 

Rotten, rotten, rotten people.

 

Life is so jaded for me right now.

[DN]

I bet it is - it was not an easy decision. But it was the right one.

[Fudgie]

I'm not one to stay in denial. Trust me, I've tried for a few days. The alcohol kinda of aided but only when I drank it, which I stopped.

 

When my father looked me in the eyes and told me that B was an old man, set in his ways, and probably would NOT change, even for me, my heart broke. But I realised that it was true. I tried to deny it but I couldn't. This was coming from my own father, close to B's age, who supported us. He told me that he himself, in that position, with things going a "certain way" and just being so used to that lifestyle, would probably not change. not even for a girlfriend/wife.

 

I bawled my eyes out and I tried to deny "he'll change, he'll change" but my father told me "You're having a learning experience, a perspective shift. You can't ignore it. I know you Fudgie you can't ignore it. Things will never be the same."

 

And he's right, I can't ignore it. I'm just trying to accept it now, knowing in my heart what is true. Ugh.

[DN]

I think your father is very wise.

 

This is a bad time for you, but I am confident you will get through it. Remember: "if you are going through hell - kep going".

[sara-pezzini]

i am so sorry for you, i have been following your posts and you were such a strong couple that this really shocked me....depression is terrible, i know...it slowly kills you and the ones who love you...stay strong and take care and vent and let it all out as much as you need...ignore the ones who say i told you so...they don't know any better....i love DN's comment if you go through hell, keep walking....hugs to you!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He is 59 years old and in all this time he has chosen not to find ways to help himself...and his lack of desire to help himself has resulted in the destruction of many relationships. It is like he is comfortable in his depression because that is what he has known all his life. To change that would be scary because then he might actually be happy but it would mean a complete change in the life he has known for 59 years. Some people just prefer the status quo because although it is bad, it is comfortable for them. Change is scary for some people. It is kind of like someone in an abusive relationship...they get used to it and are afraid of change so they stick around because it is what they are familiar with.

 

There is nothing you can do at this point because he has to want to change and that is not likely to happen. He is too comfortable with the status quo even though it makes him unhappy and destroys his relationships. While the "I told you so" from people you know may not be the appropriate thing to say at this point, know that it comes from a place of caring for you. You are only 21 and these people could see that the age gap and what you were going through with him was not good for you in the long run. You yourself say that this relationship took a toll on you. You shouldn't feel ashamed or foolish, it happens that relationships don't work out. You tried because you loved. It is not your fault that he chooses not to get help. It is best that you ended things because it was really dragging you down. Now just take care of yourself and get yourself back on track. From all of your posts on this forum I can see that you are wise beyond your years and you will be fine. It will just take time.

[TSandullo]

Fudgie, I hope you feel better in time.

 

Though I have never replied to any of your threads, I always took on board your advice that you gave to others as well as the strong character that you displayed that was inspirational.

 

Don't ever EVER blame yourself and feel ashamed. You gave your relationship your all, you tried. That is all that mattered. He didn't try looking after himself. His problem to deal with.

People might say "We'll, it was never going to work". They were never in your, neither your ex's shoes. You were far from a naive little girl besotted with an older man, you went into the relationship knowing what you wanted.

 

B needs to sort out his life and I hope he does.

 

I wish you all the best and go ahead and enjoy the music classes.

 

Here for you,

 

TS

[Fudgie]

Thanks guys. I appreciate the kind words, I really do.

 

As for the whole "NC" thing, B and I aren't doing that. I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not. I've cut down to talking to him about every other day, which is hard enough for me. Do you know what's weird? When I am apart from him, I feel like going back. Then I talk to him and realise why I left and how it's the right choice even though it kills. It's kind of backward. Most people crumble when they talk to their ex (ugh I hate calling him that) but for me, it just reaffirms it in a sad way.

 

Part of me is thinking "why won't he change? doesn't he love me?" but then I think, if I am 59 and I am set in my ways, then why would I change? He makes plenty of money, he's more on the solitary side, etc. That's the way he likes his life. He's not much into therapy and "talking things out" in terms of WHO he is. "I just am this way!" he always used to say.

 

This relationship made me happy overall but got trying at the end. It's hard to be with someone with depression. I would never advocate it for anyone. It just hurts both parties involved. I take my meds everyday and I've been thinking of him as I take mine, wishing that he would do something for his depression as I am doing something for mine.

 

I don't know what lies ahead in my future. Right now I'm just trying to heal. I don't think I'll date another (much) older guy. I think what I have learned is that I need to find someone on "my level" and is an old soul, at any age. B was a VERY old soul in an old body. That old body slowed us down a lot. He couldn't go on walks with me, he couldn't make love to me, etc. I was fine with it with B but I wouldn't be with anyone else. And when that old body got sick and needed help (depression), the old mind said "Ah but nothing is wrong. It's just aging, things are fine." But they weren't.

 

I feel very much alone in my healing, IRL at least. I have you, ENA. I am going out tonight to see some friends. My best (female) friend has told me it's "for the better" but I know that she's just saying it over the age difference so it bugs me. The others don't really know.

 

My own mother doesn't even know.

 

It makes me feel so separated from everyone and for now, I'm putting distance in between.

 

Music definitely helps. I've played cello for years but don't have one at the moment. I picked up a bass guitar (blew a month's stipend on it, worth it? YES) and a lot melts away.

[Fudgie]

I was looking through my history here and found my first post/thread.

 

 

 

Ugh, things just hurt. I came here all happy and now I'm not.

[DN]

You will be again. There will be a regret at some level but that is part of life.

[teabee]

Oh Fudgie. I truly understand your decision, and I understand the pain you are feeling more than you know. I know that it adds a whole lot more suffering when you've been fighting for a cause and trying to show others that you have a good, healthy relationship, and when others seemed to have been waiting for you to fail. The complicated emotions that come from that can be almost crippling. I imagine that facing other people is especially hard right now, and that you are feeling more alone than ever. But you are not alone. And do not for one second think that you failed. Age gap relationships are the same as other relationships--they can have their problems, and sometimes they break up. No one expected you or your relationship to be perfect, and it's not like you let down any of the other age gappers or proved the naysayers right. Please do not feel any shame or failure.

 

I don't know what else to say, except that you will find your way through the pain and reach a better place than ever before. That's how it works--"the soul could have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears." I don't know what the future will bring, but I know that in the bigger picture everything is working out the way it's supposed to. Maybe there's still hope for you guys later. Maybe you'll soon be glad everything happened exactly as it did. In the meantime, be gentle on yourself. DO NOT beat yourself up. Ignore the unsupportive people--they have no idea, no idea at all. Please PM me if you want to talk or even set up a phone call. Love you, Fudgie.

[Ms Darcy]

My dear Fudgie -

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I remember in threads how happy you were with your partner and how much it meant to you to have this connection. It really is difficult having to let go of someone you love, but as you can see he was not loving himself or you. He has had 59 years of undiagnosed suffering, of ruining relationships, of holding fast to his beliefs. You made the right and the brave choice.

 

I can certainly understand how you feel about wondering if you can give advice. I ended a long-term relationship in late December - seven months ago - and I thought that I was no longer as qualified to give advice because I was not an 'exemplar' of a healthy relationship anymore. But much of what helped me heal in only a few weeks was reading the words here, words of people who are single and in relationships, even reading back some of my own words. I let go of that relationship and I grew into a stronger person with much greater perspective.

 

The greatest gift that a teacher can give a student is to let the student become the teacher.

 

Use this place not only to give comfort, but also to get it. You deserve it Fudge.

[Seraphim]

I am sorry. Unfortunately depression destroys so many things. My father's depression ruined every single relationship he ever had, romantic or otherwise. Mental illness is such a sad thing, especially when they want to do nothing about it. Just remember it is not you or even about you, it is about the fact he wants to do nothing to help himself. I know that is little comfort right now but you made the right choice.

[Fudgie]

I'm having some anger right now.

 

B has said some things like "I feel abandoned" or whatnot. And he blames me leaving on the age difference!

 

I may have depression too but mine is treated! That does NOT mean that I should have to suffer when my partner doesn't want to get treatment. You cannot, let me repeat, CANNOT have a healthy adult relationship with untreated, ignored depression. You just can't. This is NOT my fault and I do NOT like being blamed.

 

This is just making me angry.

[90_hour_sleep]

your dad sounds like an amazing man.

 

wonderful that he's a part of your life. that he listens...and understands.

[Batya33]

I'm having some anger right now.

 

B has said some things like "I feel abandoned" or whatnot. And he blames me leaving on the age difference!

 

I may have depression too but mine is treated! That does NOT mean that I should have to suffer when my partner doesn't want to get treatment. You cannot, let me repeat, CANNOT have a healthy adult relationship with untreated, ignored depression. You just can't. This is NOT my fault and I do NOT like being blamed.

 

This is just making me angry.

 

I am not a fan of such huge age gaps but having said that when I read your post I forgot that there was a huge age gap and understood that his depression is, at the end, a dealbreaker, understandably! A close friend of the family has been married to someone with depression for over 50 years. Had he not agreed to seek treatment many years ago and stuck to it they would not be married now (and I am not sure if he would be alive). Even today I think many people don't understand depression and mental illness. Please ignore them ,please seek support from those who truly care. You were a hero and a strong supporter to him but you have to take care of you, too. I hope you do.

[Fudgie]

your dad sounds like an amazing man.

 

wonderful that he's a part of your life. that he listens...and understands.

 

Oh he definitely is. He has been helping me a lot. He'll talk to me about it, let me vent, whatever. I know that many women go to their girlfriends for support during a break up but my father is the one who is helping me through things right now.

 

He says that he thinks it's for the better and I think deep down, I know he's right. I just simply cannot be with someone who is depressed. It brings ME down, ya know?

 

My father is aware of my habit of rationalising when I'm upset (which I'm aware of too) but he reminds me of when I'm doing it and I don't KNOW that I'm doing it, so I can stop.

 

I am not a fan of such huge age gaps but having said that when I read your post I forgot that there was a huge age gap and understood that his depression is, at the end, a dealbreaker, understandably! A close friend of the family has been married to someone with depression for over 50 years. Had he not agreed to seek treatment many years ago and stuck to it they would not be married now (and I am not sure if he would be alive). Even today I think many people don't understand depression and mental illness. Please ignore them ,please seek support from those who truly care. You were a hero and a strong supporter to him but you have to take care of you, too. I hope you do.

 

I'm glad your friend's hubby sought treatment and they are now happy together. I wish B would do the same.

 

Some people say "well even if my SO is depressed, I'd stay." Sure, initially, I would too, but not if they never got treatment! But you're right, most people think depression is just an episode of being "under the weather" and it's not. You shouldn't stay with someone who has an untreated mental illness which is adversely affecting their life and your relationship! I totally get it because I myself have depression but gosh, this just makes me frustrated.

 

He knows I understand, because I've been down in that dark part of myself, as he is, but he knows I'm better. I'm saying "hey! Look at me! You can do this too!" but he is not doing it. Part of me thinks he never will. He almost seems content to be miserable. Does that make sense? that is what makes me think he will never change.

[agent1607307371]

Part of depressions insidiousness is that it makes it incredibly hard to accept that you have it, and then get help for it. And the longer you live with it, the harder it becomes. And eventually you just decide that you are that way and there's no point in trying.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but don't let him make you feel as though you're to blame. Your Dad sounds like an excellent source of support and clear thinking - you're lucky top have him.

[Fudgie]

Yeah, B has had depression for nearly ALL of his life. He admits that there is a problem. People say "Oh that's the first step! He's making progress!" Only he has acknowledged the problem for DECADES and has never done anything. I think he tried meds once, and therapy once, but it was extremely brief and I think he was doing it because of external pressures to do so. So once those were gone, well, not a lot of incentive to stick with it because he didn't want to do it.

 

Ugh, this is just a sucky situation.

[agent1607307371]

It is. Don't feel as though if you'd been better or done x or whatever that he'd have chosen you over the depression though. It's his comfort zone and he's been there a long long time. Moving out of it is probably never going to happen for anything.

[Fudgie]

No, probably not. He used to be a LOT worse when he was with his ex-wife and even then, nothing was done. *sigh*

 

I miss him. Miss miss miss him.