I never wanted to be here...

[tiredofvampires]

Fudgie, I'm sorry you're going through this -- but you did the right thing and I know you'll prevail here.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, "old mind." I think you'll need someone who has an old soul but a young mind. Young minds LEARN and want to continue doing so; old minds become static and complacent. I don't think the age of a mind correlates to chronological age, so you can find (and someday BE) a person who is old in soul, old in body -- and still young in mind. B is not this.

 

And as for the body...I think it's not so much the age of the body that matters, but how well someone has tended to it. Because I think B's health problems were/are an outward manifestation of his inward state of stasis, I would be more careful in the future of finding a partner who has shown care for his physical being. Because that does say something about the state of his mind. If you give up on your body -- you also have given up mentally, somewhere. They go together. So this is a "sign" to take into consideration. This is not an age issue.

 

If he says anything more about your abandoning him, I would tell him, "You know why we broke up, so please don't shift the blame. The truth is, I have also felt abandoned because you have been emotionally disconnected from me for a long time." This is non-hostile, and it's the truth. You stayed as long and tried as hard as anyone should. Do not let his guilt-trip hook you...it's part of the depression speaking. I can't be with someone who is that complacent about their misery. It's one thing if they are actively working on it (and even then, sometimes they still have too many destructive patterns that can hurt you.) But he didn't even want to go to therapy -- which was a good compromise over taking the meds.

 

I hope you'll find peace with this soon, knowing that you've been a good partner and this is all you can ask of yourself. Don't try to imagine the future, but just know that what you have to offer a partner has been tested here, and really, anyone would be lucky to have someone like you by their side.

[Fudgie]

YES, yes, ToV, you hit the nail on the head there.

 

I am a "young" mind. I always have been and I hope I always will be. I love to learn and look up stuff. That's one of the reasons why I love looking at research and stuff. Heck, I even watch documentaries everyday on anything! I'm such a doc junkie. I've always believed that knowledge is power. B is not big on any of those things. I have tried to expose him to what I've been doing in my neuro classes (I do original research) and he's so stuck on the fact that I'm using rats (he HATES animal research) that he doesn't even give a crap about what I'm doing.

 

You're right, I need to be with someone who shares that with me. I think that anyone can have a "young mind" at any age. My father is that way. He has been taking new hobbies for years and keeps up with all the new research when it comes to medicine. I consider him to be a "Renaissance man" and he's in his early 50s. Someone like that! Granted, B has many different interests but when it comes to certain things, he's "stuck".

 

*sigh*

 

Yeah, I really did give it my all. I think if he had agreed to seek treatment, yes, I would have stayed and supported him. That's not an issue for me. What bugged me was that he wasn't going to go AT ALL. There wasn't even the notion of "Hey, let's just see what's out there." Or even "Let me think about it."

 

I don't make the person I'm with my "whole world" or anything but I put forth 200% of myself and heart into it. Anything they want, they will have from me. B was not into sex but if he were, and wanted it like 2x a day, I would have obliged. I've done that in the past, I modify my sex drive to my partner's. And I drove back and forth to his house 6 hours away. 6 HOURS. So many times. I did his chores when I was there. I went shopping for/with him. I cleaned up his whole backyard after the storms and when the trees were down...everything. Anything he wanted or needed, I did, usually without asking.

 

I never asked for anything "in return" because he gave the love that I wanted and that was it. For me, that was my "return". But when the depression sinks in, the one thing that I want (and in the sense of being in a relationship, deserve to have) I cannot get, and I cannot go on. I just can't do it.

 

Right now, I just feel kinda cruddy, like it was for naught. I just wanted so much for us to work out, to make it, to be together, to have me grow old with him and him older with me. And now it's gone.

 

I am trying my best to keep positive but it's hard. I don't want to remember this relationship as a bad or wasted thing, because I know it's not, deep down. I don't want the memory of the love that we shared to be tarnished by the image of when it all started to unravel to threads: I see myself trying to pull him out of this rut, or even quicksand, saying "I'll save you! I'll get you out." But there came the time that I looked and I saw that it's not quicksand, it's mud, and it's not a rut, it's his foot in the ground. He's not "stuck", he's stubborn. There is nothing holding him back. It's just himself.

 

I think that makes it harder to take.

[greywolf]

Fudgie, I'm so sorry. =/ I kind of know what it's like when you feel like everyone is gloating about your failed relationship. It sucks. But just ignore them. These people don't care about your happiness. They care about being right.

 

Relationships are only a wasted thing if you don't learn from them. Plus, you can walk away from this knowing that you did everything you could. It would be worse, I think, to walk away from something and still have "what if's".

[Sparkly Eyes]

Fudgie you are way too hard on yourself. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to feel awful if you or your relationship didn't turn out perfect. You'll great through this and you'll learn from this.

[FarthestEdge]

Fudgie

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. But be gentle with yourself. No ONE person can make a relationship work on their own. It sounds like B just checked out of everything.

 

You didn't abandon him. He's abandoned himself. You can't rescue him or your relationship when he is determined to stay this course.

 

As for the "I told you so"s, well unfortunately, you just learned who your friends really are. I'm glad you have some support, forget the rest. If it's more important to them in this moment to "prove" that they were "right", than it is to support a friend in pain, then you don't need them right now. Fair-weather friends, nothing more....

 

Hang in there..(((HUGS)))

[Fudgie]

Thanks guys. Yeah I'm kinda hard on myself, with a lot of things really.

 

B and I are still talking. Things are relatively "normal". He seems to be doing fine when inside, I don't feel "fine".

 

I haven't cried in a while about it. I'm done moping but I still feel down. I can't act like it though because I'm at home and my mom doesn't know. And she never will.

 

[video=youtube;JM0_VRB7rPM] ]

 

I sort of feel like this song expresses what I'm feeling right now.

[Moontiger]

Hi Fudgie,

 

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said. I just wanted to tell you that since I joined ENA you are someone who's advice I always admired. You have always had a clear head approach to relationships, gave sound advice and are by far the most mature 21 year old I have every come accross.

 

I don't know if this will help but when I went through my break up a year and a half ago part of what got them through it was reading Jane Austen. I was funny because when I read all these "romantic" books only the sarcastic parts stuck out to me and made me laugh. I also recommend that book "Its Called a Break-Up because It's Broken" link removed

 

*Hugs*

[OptomisticGirl]

You are a strong, confident woman. You did what you had to do because you have been down the road B is on now and you don't want to go back. He can't see what he's doing because he's in the throws of it, you can. You will make it through this and you will be strong.

[Fudgie]

Hi Moontiger, thanks for the book recommendation. I'll have to look for it. I see it's on Amazon - hopefully it comes on Kindle! Sounds like a great read.

 

I haven't read anything pertaining to break-ups yet but I think it will be useful to me. This is the hardest (and I mean the HARDEST) BU I've done and maybe the hardest I'll have to do. I really hate being the one to leave and I need to deal with those guilt feelings that I have caused for myself, no matter how unfounded they are.

 

You're right OG. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 11. I got treatment a few years later and I was SO much better. But it was horrible not being on treatment, or therapy and meds for me. I still take my meds and I see a therapist when I am at school but I don't really *need* her, she just makes me feel better.

 

It really hurts me to think that B is going through what I went through but the difference is, he's not seeking help. And when someone is like that, it makes ME feel bad again. B is also really against anti-depressants, despite seeing me on them and what a wonder they've been for me. I don't want to go down that path again and towards the end, I could really feel things unravel with us as a result. I just can't do it.

 

If he had stopped me leaving and said "No, don't go, I'll go to treatment. I'll call tomorrow." Then I would have stayed and he would have followed up and things would be on a better path. I can take bad stuff as long as there is an end in sight. But there was no end. How can he live like that? I have no idea. I have been NOT depressed for so long that I don't even know how I made it through those times and I would never want to go back. That's no way to live.

 

He and I have been talking and he has never said anything like "I'm going to treatment so please come back." All this tells me is that he never will. And that really hurts.

[Firiel]

Fudgie, I'm so sorry that you are facing this. I was wondering how things were going with you and was very sad to see this thread. I just wanted to let you know how much your story has helped me. As the partner that struggles with depression and anxiety in my relationship, your previous threads about B's depression and its effects on you have really helped me remember the importance of keeping a hold on it for my husband's sake. This thread only solidifies that. So thank you for sharing your story and sticking around here because what you've said has been so helpful for me in understanding what I put my husband through sometimes.

 

You made the right choice... you did all you could and were a huge support to him emotionally and physically. Like others have said, he is stuck in his ways, and you can't blame yourself for that.

[Moontiger]

Seriously Ja, your post in this thread are completely unnecessary. Please don't troll.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think as long as you stay in contact, he won't ever realize you relly are gone.

[Fudgie]

Yeah I think you may be right, OG. I really don't want to be without contact with him. He and I are so close and I tell him all about my day. What am I going to do? If I don't have him to talk to, I'm not sure what to do and who to share my feelings with.

 

My dad and I are already close but there are some things I'd rather not share. My best friend is helping me through this break-up but he has been in love with me since December and I don't know...I'm just sort of keeping things to myself from him. He has not shown any joy with the break-up, despite his feelings, and never said "I told you so" even though he told me years ago not to be with B because "things would not end well". Ugh.

 

I don't have anyone else IRL that I'm close with to that degree. Just B, my father, and my best friend. A strong support network, yes, but it's so small. Cut out just one person, just for a little bit, and I suffer.

 

Not being in a relationship with B already makes me feel like my personal world is a little smaller and more isolated. I know I need to not talk to him for a while but I'll feel even more cut off from everyone and alone.

 

This just sucks.

[OptomisticGirl]

You have ENA darling. Start a healing journal or NC journal or just A journal.

[Fudgie]

Yeah you're right, I have you guys.

 

I may have to start a new journal. Because my last one was "B..B...B..." and reading all that makes me miss him all the more. Ugh'ms.

 

I just miss him sorely. It's hard to go from everyday contact for 3 years and a relationship to nothing. He doesn't seem to have any hard feelings for me and he's like "I don't want to be with anyone else." UGH THEN GET TREATMENT SO I CAN COME BACK, GRR.

 

I'm the sole contact that he has so I am worried about not being in contact, him getting lonely, what if something happens, etc. If anything happened to him, I'd be the first to know. His family doesn't call him for weeks so they wouldn't know.

 

I guess I'm rationalising right now, reasons to stay in contact. I just don't want to let go. I'm fighting it.

[OptomisticGirl]

Exactly, I Was actually going to suggust you start a whole new one in the journal section.

 

I can understand that. I was just sat here trying to imagine not talking to L everyday and I just couldn't fathom it. It's hard, it is, but you can make it through it.

 

I can understand why you would feel that way but again Fudgie, he has to help himself and you have to help yourself. Prolonging the healing for yourself to keep him sane is not healthy.

[Fudgie]

I know, I know. I'm just rationalising to myself. Telling myself that if I don't talk to him, that he'll be really lonely. Well, he's going to have to deal. Or maybe get treatment so I can come back and then he won't be lonely.

 

Tonight will be the last night that I talk to him for a while. I'm going to need to temporarily delete his number because I know I'll call it if I let myself.

 

I'll start a new journal later. Perhaps sometime tomorrow when I can. Thanks for the support, everyone.

[OptomisticGirl]

Always. And I'm available any time via PM, you know that. *hugs*

[Fudgie]

I made a new journal today:

 

It's called "Via Nova", if any of you are interested in reading.

 

I think I'll do my posting about the BU over there and just let this thread go away. I'm feeling a bit better now, I really am.

[thejigsup]

Fudgie, Depression is a disease and you, yourself, know that you can't "will it away". Nor can anyone else talk you into going for treatment or "cure" your depression. Like I said, it is a disease and all diseases need treatment. B is too old to change his ways. I don't mean he's an old man, but he is sure acting like one, unreasonable and stubborn. Don't blame yourself, his depression has nothing to do with you, does it? It is his little world and others are not welcome in it if they cannot accept his depression and live with it. You are young and intelligent and have too much to give to the world to let him bring you down. You realized this and left. Like I said, you are a smart lady.

[midnightdeirdre]

It's normal and natural to mourn a break up. I broke up with my ex last month because he told me he wants to have children in the future. I bawled my eyes out for 2 days, it hurt so much. I truly thought he was my match. Not anymore.

 

A few years ago, I was reading an online article on how to deal with a breakup. The first strategy it gave was to do exactly what I did: cry your eyes out for the first 2 days, and "make it good." I can't remember what else it said, but that was the one that really stands out. Suffice to say, I agree.

 

I will read your journal entry soon.

[hangingout]

Please pull yourself together. You seem like a really cool and with it girl. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. You can't change B. It's solely up to him to do something about his depression. I hope things sort themselves out for you

[Fudgie]

Thanks hangingout. I'm doing a lot better. I have a journal over in the journal section called "Via Nova" and I'm just working through things. I'm definitely not in pieces.

[nowyousee]

Hey Fudgie

 

 

Breakups suck. I haven't thought about that in a loooong time.

 

 

How did you and B get together originally?

 

I'm just interested.

[Fudgie]

Hi nowyousee,

 

We originally met online. He lives a little bit from me but we were in the same state which was cool. We met on an online dating site. I was looking for older and we clicked, so we met up, and the rest was history.

 

A lot of people here say that online dating doesn't work unless you're beautiful. I will be honest and say that I'm overweight with a nice face and hair but I am quite "Plain Jane" looking. I am not conventionally beautiful and that's okay! I just put a good pic of me up, stated what I was looking for, and I actually got a lot of responses. I met another ex online too.

 

Despite the relationship being over and me preparing to move on, I have no regrets. I loved my time with him and I will always have a special place in my heart for him.