Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I hope this week is easier, post-holiday with all the reminders.  I know of some writers who commit to write X number of words a day or spend X period of time a day writing -do you ever do that?

I have tried stuff like that.  But it just doesn't work.  It's too structured and too much structure throws me off my game, I guess.  My mentor has me on a one chapter a week deadline, which I've been meeting most weeks.  I won't this week.  The chapter is drafted out, but it's almost 5k words, which is really long for a single chapter.  And so there's no way it will be edited and ready to send to him by midnight tonight. 

I think this weekend I just needed to step back so I don't get burned out.  I participated in NaNo this year, which is almost over.  And I nailed it.  I drafted my whole novel (93k words) in 3 weeks.  And I also wrote a whole novel in 3 weeks right after D and I broke up.  I've been going really strong since September.  Drafting is so easier for me, though.  Editing is the hard part.  I may have written them both in 3 weeks but they will take a lot longer to edit and polish. 

Early this morning I decided I was going to write this funeral scene that I needed to do...  and that scene turned into a few scenes, all totaling about 3k words.  So, taking a few days off must have helped. 

I go back and forth between being proud of myself for not texting him on Thanksgiving, and being mad at myself for it.  I get to thinking about how a text would have probably meant so much to him on that day, and I am a cold hearted B for not sending one.  But, texting goes both ways, too.  He was probably having the same debate with himself. 

It sucks when mental health tears people apart.  I think we could have been so good together if things didn't happen the way they did.  It's so easy letting go of someone who cheats, or does some other awful thing that they are completely aware they are doing.  It's so much harder letting go of someone because of a mental health crisis.  And the fact that I think he was having a psychotic episode the night he accused me of that stuff makes it worse.  Because I wonder if he even remembers any of it, etc. 

But, his Mom and his son also cut contact with him.  So, obviously I'm not the only one who couldn't take it anymore.  His husband told his Mom that he is only staying because of the lease they are both on and because of the pets.  So, I don't know how much longer that lease is for, but here soon his husband won't be around either.  I wonder what will happen then. 

 

[Batya33]

How is it working for you to keep such close tabs on all these people?

[Cynder]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How is it working for you to keep such close tabs on all these people?

That's not what I'm doing but think what you want.  I'm not going to argue about it.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

That's not what I'm doing but think what you want.  I'm not going to argue about it.

OK sounds good! 

[Cynder]

This is something that has always mystified me.  Maybe I need to understand it better so I won't be so confused in the future when I see this kind of thing happening.  I don't understand this constant need by people online to twist everything into something negative. 

My city has a Facebook group for talking about anything related to our city, etc.  People post in there asking for recommendations for plumbers, landscapers, etc.  People also post in there about random events going on around here, etc.  Well a friend of mine posted in there about traffic being backed up because of an accident.  People jumped all over her for posting it on Facebook instead of calling the cops. Cops and first responders were already on the scene.  She just was trying to warn people.

I saw someone post in that group asking for places around town that were hiring part time.  They said they wanted to get a part time job so that could make extra car payments and pay off their car faster.  People jumped all over this person for not being financially responsible enough before they bought the car.  Ok...  with the cost of everything going up, I'm sure they bought the car at a time when the payments weren't a problem.  Now they are doing what they have to do to make the payments. 

I could give examples like this all day.  And neither of these are things that even happened to me.  And they are both things I saw in the past hours.  I don't even use my main FB account anymore.  I only use my dummy account.  But that group is useful to me, so that account is in there. 

Like, the first one... I saw that post and all I was thinking was, "That sucks.  I hope everyone involved is ok." I definitely wasn't thinking, "Omg, look at this dumb*ss posting about a car accident instead of calling the cops!  Shame on them!!!  Now I'm gonna tell them exactly what a POS I think they are!" 

In the second one, all I thought when I read that was, "Hmm, do I know of anywhere looking for part time help?"  I definitely wasn't thinking, "OMG, what a loser who can't make their car payments!!!  Now I'm gonna tell them what a loser they are!" 

And I see this happening everywhere.  It's amusing that people think hiding behind a screen gives them a right to be a judgmental DBag.  But it's also amusing that they think hiding behind a screen gives them some kind of superpower and allows them to know every single detail about someone's life based on a few sentences (or paragraphs) online. 

I am about the biggest pessimist on the planet.  I don't trust anyone.  I operate under the assumption that most people suck and things rarely work out.  And I guess I even have more faith in humanity than a lot of these people do. 

It was pretty recently that I posted on a community for CPS workers asking how CPS would handle a certain situation, this was for a novel.  Ok, so basically, XYZ happens, and CPS is called.  So, in that situation would CPS immediately take the child?  Would the child be more like to be taken to a foster home or put in a group home?  Etc.  Well ok...  I was someone who is just trying to villainize CPS and make them look bad.  And it's because of people like me that CPS is made out to be evil in the media.  And this escalated to me being accused of being a pedo writing about my sick fantasies.  Ok, I said very little in this whole thread.  Once I saw where it was going, I decided to only reply to people who were actually answering my questions. No pedophilia takes place in this story. It was all women answering me, and they all were assuming I'm a man.  And you know, all men are scum.  The make gender just needs to be wiped from the face of the earth if you ask any group of female keyboard warriors. 

If I saw that as a CPS worker, idk, I seriously doubt my first thought would be, "Omg!! This person is just trying to make us look bad... and they're probably a pedo too!!!"  Grant it, I'm not a CPS worker.  And yea, I'm sure they are jaded because they see so much abuse.  And they do have a bad reputation.  (IMO it's earned though.  I really can't think of one story I've ever heard where CPS made things better for anyone involved.)  Despite that though, I really was trying to show them as accurately as possible and keep things neutral. 

I've seen threads on Reddit where the OP was an alcoholic who decided to get sober.  And they showed up at work one night drunk and hit on their coworker.  That was their rock bottom moment.  Well, instead of saying, "Wow, good for you for recognizing you need help and deciding to quit drinking."  A majority of the replies were accusing this person of sexual assault.  Because apparently just hitting on someone is SA now.  So if that's the case how many people get SA'd during your average Saturday night at a crowded bar?  Idk... maybe because the bar scene is dying and a lot of people meet through tinder and stuff like that, now the idea of approaching someone organically out in public and asking them out or something is just so foreign to people that it's off putting.  Ok, off putting I can understand.  But it sure as hell isn't sexual assault. 

I just don't understand this mentality that everyone has bad intentions.  Everyone is a crappy person.  No one can ask a question.  No one can state their opinion.  No one can do anything except share stupid memes and talk about mundane things. 

I've seen actual SA victims be blamed for what happened to them and be told they have no self respect for not immediately going straight to the police. 

I'm in a few groups for vendors.  Those used to be pretty supportive places when it came to problems that vendors deal with.  Years ago a post like, "I just got to the show 3 hours away and realized I forgot my tent weights.  Here's how I improvised." (With a pic of whatever heavy objects they could find tied to the corners of their tent.) This kind of thing used to get a few laughs and comments like, "Hey, it happens to the best of us!"  Now, something like that is usually met with, "You forgot your tent weights? Jeez you moron!  Seriously?  Who the hell forgets their tent weights?  If I knew what show you were at I would report you to the organizer!  Clearly you're too stupid to be in this business."  Ok...  I personally have never forgot my tent weights.  But I still wouldn't react this way if I saw that post. People make mistakes.  None of us are perfect. 

Most of these examples are things that didn't even happen to me directly.  But they are all things I've seen.  It just frustrates me seeing this all the time.  This is why more people are just getting off the internet.  And some people think that because social media is making us dumber and dumber and also meaner and meaner, that it's seeping offline into real life, too.  I'm not that old, but I am old enough to see how entitled people are now vs. when I was younger.  The way some of the people I wait on act when they have to wait 5 minutes for a tanning bed is disgusting. 

Well... on a more positive note, I'm outlining another idea for a novel.  This one will probably be started once I finish something.  Three projects going on at once is enough, I think.  This one is part love story, part horror story, and part vigilante story.  I was coming up with so many vigilante stories for a while.  I had to narrow it down.  I have two vigilante stories I want to tell.  Both are really different.  But the other one is way off in the distance. 

When I think I'm running out of ideas... here come more ideas.  I'm kind of a slow writer.  I hope I live long enough to finish them all, lol.  It was knowing I'll probably be dead within ten years that lit this fire under me.  I used to just write for myself.  Then I had strangers on Reddit telling me I really should look into publishing my work.  I kept seeing the word visceral over and over again.  I will admit I didn't even know what that word meant exactly.  Multiple people telling me my story telling is so visceral...  and here I am thinking, "I hope that's a good thing." lol.  And then I just realized one day I'll be dead and all my stories and all my characters are going to die with me if I don't publish something. 

I started making a playlist for my new idea...  I know it's serious when there's a playlist, lol. 

 

[catfeeder]

I hear, Cynder. My neighbors and I share bizarre observations about this all the time. We meet in my courtyard for doggie play time, and there’s usually someone who vents about seeing or experiencing a hostile encounter that day.

 I think the Covid lockdowns warped people in certain ways. This was a lengthy enough time to turn them self focused, competitive for resources, fearful, and no longer able to function socially. The boredom put their minds on overdrive to seek problems to confront even while their skills of constructive engagement atrophied. Add to this all the political, racial and cultural divisions, lots of people are operating through the reptilian brain. I find this scary and sad. Thankfully, there are those of us who’ve chosen to ramp up our compassion and empathy, and we find one another. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I hear, Cynder. My neighbors and I share bizarre observations about this all the time. We meet in my courtyard for doggie play time, and there’s usually someone who vents about seeing or experiencing a hostile encounter that day.

 I think the Covid lockdowns warped people in certain ways. This was a lengthy enough time to turn them self focused, competitive for resources, fearful, and no longer able to function socially. The boredom put their minds on overdrive to seek problems to confront even while their skills of constructive engagement atrophied. Add to this all the political, racial and cultural divisions, lots of people are operating through the reptilian brain. I find this scary and sad. Thankfully, there are those of us who’ve chosen to ramp up our compassion and empathy, and we find one another. 

That’s a really interesting observation and I’ve wondered similarly. Also maybe what compounds it - staff shortages at forward facing customer service roles - restaurants retail etc so then you have what you wrote plus added stress of having to deal with pissed off waiting customers. 
And I actually think talking through masks made it worse - I’m sure I’ve talked more loudly because of it etc. 

I’m on a nextdoor site for my area similar to what Cynder described and I see similar posts and comments. 

[Cynder]

20 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I hear, Cynder. My neighbors and I share bizarre observations about this all the time. We meet in my courtyard for doggie play time, and there’s usually someone who vents about seeing or experiencing a hostile encounter that day.

 I think the Covid lockdowns warped people in certain ways. This was a lengthy enough time to turn them self focused, competitive for resources, fearful, and no longer able to function socially. The boredom put their minds on overdrive to seek problems to confront even while their skills of constructive engagement atrophied. Add to this all the political, racial and cultural divisions, lots of people are operating through the reptilian brain. I find this scary and sad. Thankfully, there are those of us who’ve chosen to ramp up our compassion and empathy, and we find one another. 

People were this way before the pandemic, but it has gotten a lot worse since the pandemic.  I've even noticed a difference in the way people act at festivals since 2020.  This past season I had more people get rude and nasty with me that I have the entire none seasons before it. 

Racial division...  I know I've written a lot about that here.  I have a Native American character in one of my novels.  I am already preparing to take some heat for that.  When I posted about this in a writers' community I had a black woman tell me nothing pisses her off more than when white authors try to write about minority characters.  I read that and just thought, "Wow, really?  Nothing pisses you off more?  Nothing... at all?  But then if a white author only writes about white characters, they are racist for that, too.  Colleen Hoover and Sarah J. Mass have been questioned about why their characters aren't more diverse.  I've never read anything by either of them because they write mostly romance and that's not what I'm into. 

This same person also asked me why I included a NA character.  I told her because the book is set in Northern Montana where there is a big NA population.  And she told me that's a "really bad reason."  Ok... who decides what's a good or bad reason.  If I had all white characters in northern Montana people would be like, "Yea, leave it to the white author to only write about white people when her novel takes place right outside a massive Blackfoot reservation!  What a racist!" 

And of course, you can't say, "I'm not a racist."  Because that means you are. 

And politics... Everything is politicized now.  And when an election is coming up, if someone chooses not to vote, they don't care about their country.  If they don't like either of the main candidates so they vote for a lesser known person, then they are wasting a vote because those people never win.  If they decide to vote for one of the main people and pick the lesser of two evils, well that's bad too because they aren't voting according to how they really feel.  And if someone is really passionate about a specific issue so they vote for the person that they agree with on that issue, then they get hell for being a single issue voter.  And so many people are too ignorant to realize the presidential elections aren't what they should worry about.  We need to pay more attention to who is in congress and the senate because those are the people who actually decide things.  The president is a figure head, pretty much.  Decades long friendships end over this stuff.  Families stop speaking to each other.  People break up.  All over politics.  People don't seem to realize you can disagree with someone and not completely cut them out of your life.  

As far as culture...  America has had this melting pot attitude for centuries.  This country has been a mix of a lot of cultures and that's always been seen as a good thing until recently.  Now a white person opening up a Taco truck is offensive because it's cultural appropriation.  A girl who isn't Asian wants to wear an Asian inspired prom dress and that's a big nono.  It's offensive.  So we went from a melting pot of different cultures to compartmentalizing everyone and putting them in their own little box.  Asian people can only like Asian things.  Mexicans can only like Mexican things, etc.  It seems so contradictory.  In all this attempt to respect everyone, we are pushing people further apart from each other.  And the funny thing is, white people are the ones responsible for a lot of this.  It's usually not the Asian person getting upset because someone wanted to wear an Asian inspired prom dress.  It's white people.  (I know there are probably exceptions to this.  I'm just going on what things I've seen without doing a ton of research.  I'll admit it.) 

I consider myself one of those who ramped up my compassion and empathy, even though I don't have much faith in humanity.  People just don't think anymore.  

I'm glad I learned to take a lot of criticism in art school.  Ar school professors rip their students' work to pieces on a weekly basis because that's what make the students grow as artists.  If the teacher was like, "That's very nice. You get an A," every time, no one would develop as an artist. 

I know that skill is going to help me when I release a book.  I honestly hope for some one star reviews.  I hope some people hate my writing.  Because I would rather have it out there for people to hate then not out there at all.  But I know I'm going to be seen as a racist and probably a misogynist too when people I don't know start reading my work. 

Idk...  it seems like so much energy is put into making sure everyone feels safe and comfortable.  But it's also making people feel less safe and comfortable.  And people aren't any less judgmental as they've always been.  Our society isn't getting kinder and more forgiving of people's faults.  It's going the opposite way. 

 

[itsallgrand]

I have noticed that too. People are quicker to react negatively etc. And people are so crazed with their phones and recording and uploading everything to gather a mob! It's pretty unsettling. I had an unpleasant experience with this in a parking garage. I was being recorded while being yelled at and baited to react. I honestly feel I was just who happened to be there, as they were obviously looking for trouble where there wasn't any! It really shook me up. I'm nobody, low profile, was just doing grocery shopping. Some people who aren't exactly mentally healthy have become emboldened by the echo chambers there are many of online. That's not the only time I've been put online either for simply existing. I was in photos taken of protesters outside the women's clinic I have to go for specialist appointments when I was walking out the door. It was anti abortion and pro choice people duking it out protesting and lots of innocent women trying to get medical care got their faces put online. I hate this more than anything, the dissolving of privacy . 

[Cynder]

46 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I have noticed that too. People are quicker to react negatively etc. And people are so crazed with their phones and recording and uploading everything to gather a mob! It's pretty unsettling. I had an unpleasant experience with this in a parking garage. I was being recorded while being yelled at and baited to react. I honestly feel I was just who happened to be there, as they were obviously looking for trouble where there wasn't any! It really shook me up. I'm nobody, low profile, was just doing grocery shopping. Some people who aren't exactly mentally healthy have become emboldened by the echo chambers there are many of online. That's not the only time I've been put online either for simply existing. I was in photos taken of protesters outside the women's clinic I have to go for specialist appointments when I was walking out the door. It was anti abortion and pro choice people duking it out protesting and lots of innocent women trying to get medical care got their faces put online. I hate this more than anything, the dissolving of privacy . 

Oh yea, I hear you.  Privacy is becoming a thing of the past.  And talking about people being mean online, etc...  I think back when you could still be anonymous online people were mean because there was no accountability.  Now it's harder to be anonymous online.  People used to be a lot more civilized on FB because they had to use their real name, etc.  But now FB is one of the most toxic places out there. 

I'm sorry you had to go through that.  I wonder if in ten or twenty years people will just accept it?  Think about how people would have reacted in the 90s if someone asked them "What if there was a website where you could keep in touch with all your friends in one place, etc.  But in return they also know everything about you and will sell you info to whoever wants it?"  People back then would have been outraged at the idea of that.  And now everyone just accepts it. 

I will admit I have recorded really irate customers at work.  But I don't upload the videos.  I do it more to cover my own ass then anything else.  If Sally Smith comes in and throws a screaming cussing tantrum because the tanning bed she wants is in use, I have proof that I kept it professional and didn't yell and cuss back, at least.

It should be against the law to upload videos of people without their consent, imo. 

Facebook listens in on our conversations.  Alexa listens in on conversations. 

Just an interesting observation...  Since I started using a VPN, some of the ads that pop up on FB are really funny.  A VPN keeps your IP address hidden and encrypts personal data.  So, FB has no idea who their advertising to.  So I get ads for male enhancement pills, sex dolls, macarons, the Replica app (which is creepy af, not in the fun way either.)  I guess the algorithm thinks if they just throw a bunch of common stuff that people buy a lot at me, eventually something will get my attention. If that's the case, it's pretty interesting that male enhancement pills, sex dolls, macarons and AI Companions are popular things, lol.  It makes a huge statement about how lonely we are.  Everyone is so isolated.  

And I know how it feels to feel like you're doing something wrong just because you exist.  The bad interaction I had with the owner of the coffee shop here recently.  She went off on me when I was the only customer in there.  The other people she gave the table to didn't stay that long.  I have a feeling she would have acted completely different if it would have been a packed house, because everyone would have pulled out their phone and started recording her.  That was something I thought about after I left.  I was so glad no one else was in there because if they recorded her that means I would be recorded too.  And I can already see the comments, "I wouldn't want that ugly tattooed B in my business either!"  I'm sure they wouldn't all be like that, but there would definitely be some. 

I had a creepy experience a few years ago.  I was with a friend and I don't know how we got on the subject, we were talking about Tilapia.  Tilapia is this really popular fish that is bland as hell and has no flavor unless you season the crap out of it.  But it's cheap, so a lot of people buy it for cooking.  And Idk how we started talking about this specifically, but we were talking about what they look like and what they eat, and my friend specifically wonder if they have teeth.  (I don't know...  I'm weird and I hang out with other weird people and we have weird conversations, lol.)  This person did go to culinary school and it started out as a conversation about cooking.  And I pulled out my phone and started googling "Do tilapia have teeth?"  All I typed was the word Do.  And google autocompleted the rest of it.  So, google listens to us too.  And think of all the dirt they have on people.  I'm sure there are things in everyone's search history that they wouldn't want others knowing.  I've had to Google a lot of messed up stuff for research.  Right now I'm writing two horror novels and a crime drama.  I've googled "What does a gunshot would look like?"  "What does it feel like to get your teeth knocked out."  "Does a cattle prod burn the skin?"  "What does it feel like to snort cocaine?" I'm sure I'm on a watchlist somewhere.  The FBI's probably going to come knocking on my door some day, lol. 

 

[boltnrun]

Anyone who uses a cell phone is being tracked. I do find it amusing some of those exact same people who have cell phones refuse to have a Facebook account because they don't want to be tracked. Um, we're being tracked. 

I will NOT get one of those Ancestry kits. The government has enough on me without getting my DNA too. And yes, they provide it to the government. 

Now I'm off to polish my tin foil hat. 

[Cynder]

35 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Anyone who uses a cell phone is being tracked. I do find it amusing some of those exact same people who have cell phones refuse to have a Facebook account because they don't want to be tracked. Um, we're being tracked. 

I will NOT get one of those Ancestry kits. The government has enough on me without getting my DNA too. And yes, they provide it to the government. 

Now I'm off to polish my tin foil hat. 

Yea, I always find that funny too.  People who are anti social media but still have smartphones.  And then there are app like Life360 that make it easier.  I used 360 when D and I were together.  It was his idea to add me to his circle on there.  At first I really liked it.  Something about knowing where him and his son are all the time was comforting.  But after a while it made me feel more isolated. Yea, I might know where these two people I love are... but I'm not there with them.  After a while he started feeling the same way about it.  But we kept using it.  When we broke up all I did was delete the app.  So, he might still be able to see where I am all the time.  I don't care because I have nothing to hide. 

But even without those apps.  Google tracks everywhere we go and so does Apple.  And when Smartphones first became a thing people weren't ok with this at all, and the companies who did it denied it.  Now it's just known that we are being tracked and everyone accepts it. 

 

[Batya33]

I’m ok with that sort of tracking. I’m not ok with commenting on or any discussion of anything political on public social media posts. Totally ok with others posting I just don’t participate. I post no photos of myself  I have a profile photo and I have some photos in my Facebook profile photo album. I don’t post in general and I don’t post that we’re going away on holiday etc. . . I’m not comfortable with photos of my son being posted with the exception of certain school and school related sites. I won’t friend any men I don’t know who request unless it’s through a mutual friend and for a business or parenting purpose.
I’m not anti social media. At all. I just have certain personal limits. Social media including LinkedIn has been highly positive in my life. I’m on Facebook and have a nominal Twitter.  

[Cynder]

Well, I most likely have Covid.  I called off from work last night and went to the Doc this morning.  They gave me an excuse for work.  I had a fever this morning.  And I texted my boss and told her I have a fever and the Doctor thinks I have Covid.  I told her I have a doctor's excuse for my time off work.  She texted back, "How high is your fever?  So are you saying you won't be in tonight?"  Yes, that's what I'm saying.  They hired another full time person on third shift so the shift is covered.  I'm not leaving anyone high and dry. 

[itsallgrand]

Get well soon. ❤️

Ah yeah do not worry about work! It's best for everyone you get better at home and not spread it around. Total pet peeve of mine when managers try to push people to come in sick. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Get well soon. ❤️

Ah yeah do not worry about work! It's best for everyone you get better at home and not spread it around. Total pet peeve of mine when managers try to push people to come in sick. 

Same.  Get well soon!!!

[catfeeder]

Awww, I hope you feel better soon, Cynder. Baby yourself, indulge in food delivery and bad TV, or just sink into as much rest as you need. And hydrate like crazy!

Keeping your in my thoughts and sending loving energy. Cat

[Cynder]

9 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Get well soon. ❤️

Ah yeah do not worry about work! It's best for everyone you get better at home and not spread it around. Total pet peeve of mine when managers try to push people to come in sick. 

Right?  I'm sure she'll try to guilt me into coming to work tomorrow night, too.  Now that there are four of us on 3rd shift and two of us are full time, there are always two people working at night.  It's not like me being off for a few days is screwing anyone over. 

My test results did come back positive. 

[Cynder]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Awww, I hope you feel better soon, Cynder. Baby yourself, indulge in food delivery and bad TV, or just sink into as much rest as you need. And hydrate like crazy!

Keeping your in my thoughts and sending loving energy. Cat

There is a really good smoothie place here that delivers.  I think tomorrow I'll get a smoothie from there and a protein bowl.  That's my go to when I'm sick and want to pamper myself a little. 

This is my third time testing positive.  Both times I've had it before I really craved pizza rolls.  I normally avoid highly processed microwaveable food like that.  But everything else tasted like sawdust when I had Covid before.  After I went to the doctor this morning I went to the store to get some cough drops.  And I was walking by the frozen food section and I thought, "Ooo, I want some pizza rolls."  I knew right then that my test results were going to come back positive. 

Ink Master and Catfish are the two things I watch when I want to indulge in bad tv.

Thank you for the positive vibes.  🙂

[Cynder]

I got up and took a shower a little while ago and it felt amazing.  For the last two days I've only gotten out of bed to eat, fill my water bottle and use the bathroom.  I've been so weak.  I'm starting to get some energy back, though. 

I really hope I kill it this year at MK, because my next paycheck will only be half of a paycheck. 

My brother has Covid too.  I feel bead because he probably got it from me.  I was in his car last weekend.  I wasn't sick at the time, and of course I'm not a psychic.  But considering I started feeling sick on Monday, I'm sure I was already infected and carrying it when I saw him last week.  

NaNo is officially over.  50k words was the goal.  And I busted out over 100k words in November.  93k was one novel, the rest was work on Needles.  Because aside from writing the whole first draft of one novel, I also wrote three chapters of Needles, one of which is really long and will probably be split into two chapters when I edit it. 

I have stayed off Discord for the past few days.  It was getting harder and harder to hold my tongue when DS started her disgustingly sweet rambling.  She loves to talk about how no one should judge others and everyone should get along...  And here I am tempted to be like, "Wow, really?  Is that why you blamed someone you barely know for your teenage daughter running away and then you told this person to go kill themself?  Where was your desire to not judge and get along with everyone then?  Oh and what about when you upset you"brother" so much that he stopped his car in the middle of a busy highway and ran out into traffic just to get away from your ass?" 

And... this is something that really sucks...  this group of people on the discord server all get along so well that they decided to form a critique group together. They are planning to meet on live video chat on Discord once a week to talk about progress, etc.  And once a month they are going to meet face to face to socialize.  Ok, this is do perfect for me right now.  I just kicked practically everyone out of my life and I am looking to meet new people.  This would give me that opportunity.  But I can't be part of it because she is in charge of it.   She still doesn't know who I am.  And I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a man because some of her messages to me have been borderline flirtatious lately.  She messaged me and asked me if I'm going to be in the critique group.  And she added, "You've mentioned you don't drive.  I will be happy to come and pick you up when we meet in person." 

So I feel like my only options are tell her who I am so she'll l;eave me alone or just disappear from the server.  I'm sure if I tell her who I am I will be banned from the server anyway and she will probably spin it as me coming there just to stalk her.  So I guess it's time for me to just ghost everyone and not go there anymore. 

I remember posting on the facebook group for my city asking if anyone here is doing NaNo, and suggesting maybe we could get a meetup going since there are meetups in every city around us.  That post was deleted for being inappropriate.  I asked the Mods (all women) why it was inappropriate.  And I was told "It's pretty obvious why.  Because you're a man asking people to meet up with you."  I did this with my dummy account, which has a gender neutral name.  I think it's funny that people always talk about male privilege and how men have it so easy.  I can't even count how many times I've been crapped on online and accused of having some ulterior motive just because people think I'm a guy.

 

[Cynder]

Been home for 5 days... and today I am so depressed.  I'm supposed to go back to work tonight, but I'm still sick.  I'm planning on texting my boss later on and asking her what she thinks I should do.  I'm sure I'll be told to come in sick.  Honestly, I don't even care either way at this point.  After being at home alone for 5 days it will be good for my mental health to leave the house.  But I also don't want to go to work sick and get everyone else sick.  I mean, my fever still comes and goes.  I've spent most of the past two days asleep.  I could go to sleep right now, but I'm forcing myself to stay up so that I can sleep during the day tomorrow. 

I'm really stressing out about the gallery show...  I have no clue how I'm going to pull a whole show out of my ass in 2 months.  But I don't really have a choice.  I have to do it one way or another.  I also have holiday commissions.  I have this video project that has a deadline coming up...  MK is next week.  There's so much coming up that I"m not prepared for.  And here I am off for five days, an amount of time that I could have gotten some serious work done in, and I did nothing.  But, I've also been really sick.  I need to cut myself some slack.  I'm not super woman. 

The first time I had Covid was in November of 2021.  And D had it at the same time.  That was obviously before we dated, but we were friends at the time.  And I remember sitting alone in my room on my laptop having this long conversation with him where we basically compared notes.  We both only had one food that wasn't disgusting.  For me it was pizza rolls and for him it was chicken nuggets.  So, these past few days I won't lie and say I haven't thought about him. 

I've had some really messed up dreams over the last few days, too.  Not messed up in the good way, either. 

It's so hard to stay awake. 

 

[Batya33]

I hope tomorrow is much better.  Can you go out at least for a short walk to get some air? 

[Cynder]

So, now that I officially have four novels in the works...  they are all at various stages of the process...  I started thinking about common things that happen in a lot of my stories.  I don't think there's a huge point to this because I"m not a psychologist.  But if my writing ever becomes important enough for people to look at and analyze, these are things people might notice. 

Two of my novels feature objects I'm afraid of, or at least was afraid of at some point in my life, a lot in the story.  I hate needles.  For a long time, HIV was a huge trigger for my OCD.  I would get stuck on thinking I might be HIV positive, and this thought would eat me alive until I had a negative test result.  This resulted in more than one late night trip to the 24 Hour store in my city that sells home tests, and then a trip to the gym, in the middle of the night, to take the test because I didn't want to do it at my apartment for some reason.  So, even though I have that one under control now (I don't go around engaging in behaviors that infect people with HIV, and so I'm able to logically talk myself out of thinking I might have it, whenever those thoughts come up.)  But, the idea of being accidentally ***ed with a needle is literal nightmare fuel.  People find dirty needles in parks and stuff in my city, the thought of that terrifies me.  I've had people ask me how I can be afraid of needles and have dozens of tattoos like I do.  Well, I don't really know.  I know it doesn't make sense.  Because contamination could happen just as easy in a tattoo shop than in a medical office.  Maybe it's because a tattoo needle doesn't look like a regular needle.  Idk. 

But, needles are featured a lot in one of my novels.  The working title is Needles.  I don't know if that's the title I will keep, but that's what it's called as of now.  And it's a novel about drugs, for the most part.  The main character is a drug dealer.

When I was younger I thought wind turbines were really creepy.  There is no explanation for this one.  And I wouldn't call it a phobia or anything.  It's not like I see a wind turbine and freak out.  But when I was younger they just made me feel really uncomfortable and anxious.  I guess this is kind of common and I'm not the only one.  But, another novel I've had in my head for years I'll refer to this one as MD, has wind turbines featured a lot all through it.  I started developing this story when I was still (kind of ) afraid of them.  They showed up in my paintings a lot around that time, too.  

All of my main characters are either estranged from their parents of have absentee parents.  They are all either basically raising themselves or living with people other than their parents.  In MD the main character's estrangement from his daughter is the backbone of the plot.  I know on some level I'm probably working through my Daddy issues in this story. 

My Dad didn't want me, but he chose to keep me anyway and do the "right" thing.  And he hated me and was never shy about admitting it.  The Dad in MD didn't necessarily want his daughter, either.  She was an accident, just like I was.  But the difference is he gives her up reluctantly at the urging of his family, and then regrets it and spends 20ish years looking for her.  He has two other kids that he has distant relationships with.  His wife is a trophy wife who he doesn't really love.  He basically realizes he has lived the life everyone else wanted him to live and not the life he wanted.  And his estranged daughter is kind of a symbol of everything he lost. 

Sexual assault happens in all my novels but one.  I'm sure this is probably because I went through it and never really got to tell my story until over a decade later when I was telling it to a detective.  I mean, I'm glad someone listened.  But the detective was doing his job.  It's not like he cared on a personal level what happened to me.  So I'm telling that story through fiction.  My mentor has told me I will need to cut those scenes if I ever want to find an agent/publisher.  Which I think is BS.  SA is such an uncomfortable topic that agents and publishers don't want to deal with stories about it.  But I think if more people actually heard/read those stories it would be taken more seriously and victims wouldn't just be blamed.  Needles has a female on male rape scene.  I've been told I need to cut that scene.  But I think that scene is really important because it's a huge part of my character's development, but also because there is this idea that men can't be raped.  It happens.  I actually know multiple guys who are rape survivors. 

There's a YouTuber I've been watching for years who released a book last year.  I bought it because I wanted to help support her.  She has given me a lot of free entertainment, basically.  So I figured she deserved at least some of my money.  (It's Nyx Fears, if anyone is wondering, I doubt anyone reading this knows who she is.)  But anyway, I was looking at the Goodreads reviews for her book.  And one of them was a one star review and all it said was "What the f***?"  I decided that is my goal as an author.  I want a Goodreads review just like that.  I want one star reviews.  (Not all one star reviews, but I do want them.) One star reviews mean enough people have read your book that some of them hated it.  To me, that's an honor, in a messed up way.  If only a few of my friends read my stuff and then go leave me a review, of course it will be a 5 star review because they are my friends and they're trying to help me out.  And I'm not saying that's bad.  But the one star reviews are what a lot of people look at.  I want someone out there to read one of my books and give it one star and be so speechless that all they can say is literally "What the f***?" 

Anyway, off to bed.  Nothing like some old school Metallica before going to sleep.  🙂

 

[Cynder]

So, I just realized something...  I am really... really close to finishing the first draft of Needles.  I've been stuck on Chapter 10 for three weeks now.  Some of that is due to genuinely being stuck.  And some of it is due to being sick.  It's weird though because I don't have writer's block.  The chapter is drafted.  I am just stuck on editing it.  I have gotten through the first 3 pages and corrected everything.  But it is 11 pages.  Whenever I start working on it I just feel overwhelmed and only get a few edits done.  Editing is my favorite part of the process.  But it is also the most challenging.  My mentor had me start doing this exercise where I try to eliminate the word Was whenever possible.  Because doing that forces a more active voice.  Writing in passive voice was one of my ongoing writing ticks that I needed to fix.  So, like, instead of saying, "It was cold outside."  Say something like, "His teeth chattered in the bitter arctic wind."  There are a lot of words I go through and eliminate whenever I can.  The word Some is also a good example of this.  It's a weak word.  Thing is another word I try to eliminate.  Instead of saying. "The greatest thing I learned..."  Say "the greatest lesson I learned..."  Seem is another word I cut.  Just is another one.  The word Just can be cit 99% of the time and not change the sentence at all.  It's a filler word. 

So, when I write a first draft I don't take any of this into consideration.  I just write and let things flow, and then when I edit I go back through and change this stuff.  And the issue I"m having right now with chapter 10 is I go to search for the word Was, for example, and there are a lot of them and I feel too mentally exhausted to figure out how to replace them all.  So I only get a few edits done and then decide to finish it later. 

I wrote this book all out of order.  I wrote the most violent point of the story first.  This was the chapter that was inspired by the story that Z told me from her teenhood.  And at the time I didn't even plan on making this into a novel.  But then I came up with another idea involving the same cast of characters.  So I wrote the whole last half of the book first, and the first ten chapters are basically the prequel that leads up to the violent climax.  So, it dawned on me a little bit ago that once I finish chapter ten all I have left is the epilogue. 

Of course I still have editing to do.  But the first 9 chapters are already polished and edited.  Once I send them to my mentor, who is also an editor, and I get them back from him, there's always revisions to make.  So there are basically two edits.  I don't necessarily make every change he tells me to make.  Yes, he's an editor.  But he's not completely infallible.  Like if he tells me "I think you should delete this paragraph."  That doesn't mean I just automatically jump to delete it.  It might be foreshadowing something in the next chapter that he hasn't read yet. 

But yea... knowing that I'm stuck this close to the end changes my thought process a little.  Knowing that makes me feel a lot more motivated to finished chapter 10.

An author I know is about to release a book that I did the cover art for.  She texted me this morning asking when I want to meet up so she can give me my free copy.  And I also got invited to her release party.  Hopefully I'll be able to actually go. 

This is really exciting.  But now I need to bury that excitment for a little bit and try to get a couple more hours of sleep before work tonight. 

 

[Cynder]

I've had a lot of weird and very vivid dreams lately.  Most of them have been about D, at least in some capacity.  I kinda screwed myself when it comes to my sleep schedule today.  I laid down around midnight last night thinking I'll just sleep for a few hours and then force myself to stay up. so I can sleep during the day.  I set an alarm for 3AM.  Well, it went off, I turned it off and then went right back to sleep.  I woke up at around 5, with the intention to get up.  But I went right back to sleep again.  Oh well, guess my body needed it.  So, guess I'll be up for a little bit, and then take a sleeping pill and go back to sleep the un-natural way for a little while. 

So after going back to sleep early this morning, I had this dream that D and I were hanging out with some guys I don't know, on this back patio of some bar in my city.  And the patio opened up into this alley where a lot of debris was just sitting around.  Pallets were stacked up, there was broken furniture, etc.  And I was looking around and saw all these canvases sitting there.  They were stretched canvases and they were stacked up in piles.  And I could see that some of them had drawings on them.  On closer inspection, they were my drawings.  These were all the paintings I've sketched out in the last couple years and haven't painted, sitting in this random alley somewhere. 

This is interesting, since when his depression got really bad, I also got depressed and stopped painting.  I haven't painted anything since June.  But, in the dream I went and told him, "Hey, look what I found.  These are all my canvases.  I wonder how they got here?" Etc... 

It's always interesting when I dream about people I know and they look different in the dream.  I don't know if that's a common thing, or not.  But he still had his dreads in this dream.  He had dreads for most of the time I knew him before we dated.  He cut them off just before we started dating.  And his hair is strawberry blond, naturally.  He dyes it all different colors.  But in this dream he had dreads again and they were dark. 

But then it's a different scene and we were in the back seat of this car.  Someone else was driving, I don't know who.  And I told him we need to go back and get those canvases before they get ruined.  He said we would go get them tomorrow.  And I said they might get rained on.  He told me they'll be fine and to not worry about it.  The conversation got pretty emotional after that.  We were all cuddled up in the backseat of this car.  And I remember not being able to see the driver and wondering who is driving and if we were safe.  

But the next part is what really stuck with me.  We kissed, and he said, "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone.  And it kills me knowing that you don't want to paint anymore because of me." 

Personally, I don't think this has anything to do with him.  I think this is my subconscious telling me it's time to get off my ass and start painting again.  I don't really have a choice.  I have commissions to do.  And I have a show in February.  My head and my heart are just not in it right now.  When he got really depressed, I got really depressed, and that's when I stopped painting.  Lately it hasn't been depression stopping me though.  It's been the fact that I would rather be writing.  There is this sense of urgency when it comes to my writing.  It's weird...  it's like I feel like I have to finish all these books that I've had in my head for years, because I might die before they are finished.  I got my Dad's genes in every way.  And the women on his side of the family die young.  So, if I go by how old all my aunts lived to be on my Dad's side, and even my older cousins, I don't have much time.  I probably have less than ten years of life left.  And knowing that is really sobering.  My talent is all I have to offer.  So if I don't use it, then I basically lived for nothing.  I think whatever cosmic force created me was like, "Well, you're eyes won't work right.  Your brain won't work right.  You're going to be ugly.  We're throwing you into a really messed up family, too.  But hey, we have some talent for you. Good luck kid!" 

When I'm gone, that's all anyone will care about.  No one is going to miss me.  They are going to miss my work.  And I know this because back in 2021 when I really was contemplating suicide, I posted some things on social media that I'm not proud of.  I posted something like, "If I were dead tomorrow, would anyone miss me?"  (I guess I thought I was an edgy teenager for a minute there, lol.)  And like 25 people replied.  Ok, so that's a good thing.  But everyone who replied said they would miss seeing my paintings.  So, that's all the legacy I have.  At my funeral no one is going to stand around and talk about what a sparkling personality I had.  No one is going to talk about how beautiful I was.  All anyone is going to say is that I was so talented.  And I guess it could be worse.  At least there will be something positive to say. 

But, either way, I need to dust off my brushes and do these holiday commissions.  And then I need to pull 15 paintings out of nowhere for my gallery show in 2 months. 

But, back to the dream... yes there was more to it.  There was this scene at the end that took place in the future, and him and I were raising two sons.  I think they must have been adopted or foster kids or something.  I was in the other room paining... and he was on the phone arguing with someone about how one of the two kids is non binary and how the school is concerned about that, etc.  He was like, "Why does it matter if he chooses to be non binary?  That's his choice." Etc.  And I know it doesn't make sense that this child was referred to as non binary but also called "him/he."  I know a few non binary people and they prefer they/them pronouns.  But this was a dream.  Things don't always make sense in dreams. 

Anyway...  I think I need to start sketching out the holiday commissions for a little bit and then go back to sleep.  In the past, whenever I've gone through an art slump like this, when I do start painting again it's like opening floodgates.  And tbh that worries me just a little.  Because I want to keep writing. 

MK was absolutely amazing yesterday.  It's good to know my house payment will get paid on time because of it.  My next paycheck will only be a half a check because I was off for a week with Covid.  So MK was timed perfectly. 

I got an invite to PRFA yesterday.  That is a show I've never done because it's really hard to get into. It's invite only and an invite doesn't guarantee an acceptance.  It just means they like you work enough to consider you.  Well, they must have had some scouts at MK yesterday, because last night I got tapped.  It took about 2 hours to fill the whole app out.  It was an in depth app.   Social media presence is a big one for them.  I don't have a massive following anywhere.  They also are really big on a certain aesthetic.  This is why OC won't let me vend with them anymore.  My work just doesn't fit they aesthetic they want.  And I hate writing blurbs about myself and my business.  So, they blurb I've used for the last year or so was written by ChatGPT and then tweaked by me to sound more human.  If they run my blurb through an AI checker that might get me rejected.  But if that's the case, I don't really care.  These invitation only shows that are super picky aren't necessarily better.  Shows like that tend to have a lot of drama and in fighting. 

Anyway... now I'm going to try to get some work done and then sleep.