Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

I love your hair.

 

Thank you... it was inspired by the colors of a peacock.

[Cynder]

Great... Adam is giving the debt collectors my number now. Oh well, the charges are on his card, not mine.

[Cynder]

I went to the store last night to pick up a few things.

 

When I came out I set my bags down and was putting my headphones on. TO all my horror, I saw Mike and his new girlfriend walking up to the entrance. They didn't know I saw them. I just kept putting my headphones on and looked in the opposite direction as they walked by. He bumped into me pretty hard. I know he did it on purpose. And when he bumped me, she laughed.

 

I don't know what the hell I ever did to him. He broke up with me... I don't understand why he's so pissed. It was his decision.

[Cynder]

M so siick and tired of being held back at work becase of my eyes. Think it might be time to contact a lawyer.

[Cynder]

I'm so sick and tired of working every god damn day. Seven days a week gets really old really fast. And this place wonders why they can't keep people... people get tired of working their lives away and never having time for their families. I was supposed to be off today... then whadoyaknow? They mandate me to work second. Guess they can start mandating people for different shifts now. Good to know.

[Cynder]

Tonight I got to see some of my own documentary footage. I was honestly ready to throw in the towel on this whole film a week ago. But tonight in watching five minutes of my own footage, I decided it's not worth throwing away. I really did get some beautiful shots.

[Cynder]

Why is it that I have these amazing stream of consciousness conversations with myself at work (in my head... I don't stand there at my work station and talk out loud to myself, entertaining as that would be, it would be more disturbing.) But whenever I sit down to actually write, nothing comes out? Maybe because lately I've been writing fiction so I can't write non fiction anymore. My blog has an inch thick layer of dust on it. But the blog I use for fiction is booming. I guess I can't be productive in all areas all the time.

 

This journal is looking way too sparse lately. I haven't had much to write about. I go to work, go to the gym, come home, clean, cook, write, text, whatever. Then I go to bed. I like living alone, but it's kinda, uh, lonely. Lol...

 

I don't have a lot of a social life anymore... Aimee moved to Columbus. She's doing ok down there I guess. She only seems to contact me when she wants something or to ask when I'm coming to visit. I do want to go visit, but I can't right now.

 

I stopped hanging out with Aaron and that whole crowd for my own sanity. I like those guys a lot... but the constant partying was really starting to get to me. It sucked being hungover all the time at work. And being tired all the time wasn't that great either. But now I"m alone all the time. Is it really an even trade?

 

I'm actually worried about Aaron. I haven't seen him online in like 6 days. He's a facebook addict, so for him to go even a day without being on facebook is unheard of. Part of me wants to text him and ask if everything is alright, but part of me says just leave it alone.

 

Eric and Jason never have the money to come and hang out with me.

 

Since B and Mica split up, B is always so busy with his kids and trying to get his business up and running that he doesn't have time to hang out much either.

 

Sharon, Jen and E are all moving to St Louis this fall. I've considered joining them when the lease is up.

 

Kyle only texts me when he's drunk and/or horny, lol. Usually both.

 

I don't talk to Shawn the armchair shrink anymore.

 

Kitty only comes around once in a blue moon. She sold her soul to the retail world. She barely has time for her husband and daughter let alone me.

 

My whole family is in Florida right now. I wasn't even invited to go. Yea, grant it I would have turned them down because of lack of funds and work, it still would have been nice to be invited. They didn't even call or text me to tell me they are leaving. I've seen all their posts on facebook. My Mom and sister laying on the beach. My two brothers and their girlfriends having a good time. Them all out drinking, etc. Being the black sheep isn't anything new. I'm used to it. It's not the first time stuff like this has happened.

 

I need to find some new people to hang with. I have been friendly with a few people at the gym, but nothing that seems like it could ever continue outside the gym.

 

I tried to hang out at the bar down the street in hopes of meeting people there. But my third time ever in there I almost got into a fight. And that is so not me. I don't get in bar fights. I didn't even initiate it. Some chick had too much to drink, was offended by something I said, and made a big scene telling everyone there that she was going to kick my ass. She called me every name in the book and made me feel like a worthless POS. And the bar tender apologized to me, but didn't do anything to defuse the situation. And, for anyone wonder... all I said was that the owners of this place I used to work were jerks. I said this to someone, having no idea this girl (who was sitting like three stools down) currently worked for the.) When she started throwing her fit I apologized repeatedly. I told her I had no idea she worked there and that I didn't mean to offend her. But she was drink and wanting to puff her chest out I guess. * * * * * * * . So there went my chances of making any friends in that bar, lol.

 

There's another bar not too far from here that I like. Thought about hanging out there once in a while, then I found out Adam's brother works there. Nah... don't need him reporting everything I do and say back to Adam. Adam already keeps tabs on me at work.

 

So yea... I'm lonely. But I"m productive at least.

[Cynder]

Today I did something odd in a way. Don't know if doing it was a good thing or a bad thing. I went back and read all my old blog entries from when I was being cheated on. Man I was stupid back then... honestly thinking that counseling and him cutting her out of his life would make things better for us. At times I wanted to go back and hug myself back then... But more then that I wanted to go back and smack the sh-- out of myself. I took him back, gave him five more years for nothing. No, he never cheated again that I know if. But things didn't get better.

 

Now that I'm starting to get back into film again (it feels weird saying back into, since I don't really think of myself as ever being out of it. But now that I have this whole setup and am starting my own film operation... I am remembering the days when Adam and I were a team. Making our first film was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Not only was it the experience that was so amazing, but also that I was doing it with him. He never treated me better then he did then. And then I found out what was going on between him and this female friend of mine, and that all came crashing down. And it all seemed like such a lie. Like he was only being good to me so that he could continue to get me to pay for everything while he played around behind my back. I feel so used...

 

And I wonder if I will ever have that again. Will any of my films generate the same happiness? For one, other then my Documentaries, I have no ideas at all... I still have a strong desire though, to do more fiction work. I like Documentaries, but I also like doing fiction. Fiction presents the challenge of selling an illusion. I like the idea of a cast of characters dressing up and basically "playing pretend" for a camera. I like creating a world all my own on video.

 

There are a few short films I have ideas for. I could probably get at least one made this summer. Adam could shoot a whole full length film in a summer. But for me, I take more time and do it right, rather than fudging it and getting it done in a hurry.

 

I still haven't come up with a name for my company. This is bugging the hell out of. I am stuck on this technicality that I can't finish anything until I have a name to credit it under.

 

I posted a thread here about this and was annoyed at how it turned out. I made the mistake of including some info I guess I shouldn't have. I said MY EX wanted to make extra money doing wedding videos, but our name threw a lot of people off. I never said I wanted to do wedding videos. But I still go mostly replies slanted toward that. "I would never hire a company named X to do my wedding video." I have no intention of being a wedding videographer. I would rather gouge my eye out with a chop stick then deal with crazy bridezillas and their crazy Mommies. And, I don't really like weddings and I'm against marriage. SO I would feel like a real hypocrite if I made money off them.

 

My first option was Rocinante' Productions. There was a company by that name at some point because they have a Documentary out. But I'm pretty sure they are defunct now. I researched them and found nothing current at all. It's like they dropped out of existence five years ago. The word Rocinante has a personal meaning to me. It is the name of a vessel piloted intentionally into a black hole by a man on a suicide mission in the RUSH song Cygnus X1. He steers the ship (the Rocinante') into the black hole knowing that he won't survive, but he is convinced some higher state of enlightenment will be waiting on the other side. And that's how I've felt for years. I would rather die in pursuit of some higher existence, than be some ordinary passionless troglodyte. Give me death over stagnation any day!

 

Rocinante'' was also the name of Don Quixote's horse. And the name of a camper that John Steinbeck traveled around the country in. That name is always used for something that carries someone on a profound journey. It is definitely fitting for me. But as a business name, I worry that it might be too much for people to take in. They won't remember it, or say it or spell it right. Not being able to say, spell, or remember it will make it hard for people to find me online. And in the independent film scene, you need an internet presence. Without that you might as well throw in the towel.

 

Second option was Dazed Gypsy Productions... DazedGypsy was a screen name I used for years. It doesn't have the same symbolism for me that Rocinante' does. But it has a nice ring to it. It's not overly dark. People will remember it. And it has a feminine connotation. Plus, it's also a versatile name. People seem to think I can only pick a name that tells people what genre I'm into. I don't want to be tied down to any genre. If I feel like doing a documentary followed by a horror movie, I can do that. That's part of the beauty of being independent.

 

Third option was Bleeding Banshee Productions. Bleeding Banshee was the name of the band I was in back in 2006. I came up with the name, and when we disbanded, two members got back together, got three guys to join them and formed another band called something else. So, no one could come after me for using that name. It honors my Irish heritage and has a Gothic undertone. Plus it also captures a lot of passion. Film is something I am truly passionate about and the word bleeding gets that accross to people... I had someone in my thread say something like "Ugh yuck, bleeding." You need to look beyond the literal. Think passed just, gross, blood. Bleeding is a symbolic act. Look how many people willingly spill their blood for some cause that's important to them. I picked that name as an option because I would literally put blood sweat and tears into any film project (and have, I was accidentally stabbed on set once.) And that name also has a feminine sound. Banshees aren't male.

 

So, the decision still hasn't been made. I am editing a video of the swamp that I made.

[Cynder]

Wow... somehow the last part of that got deleted. I was saying I'm editing this swamp video but I won't post it until I have a name to post it under.

[Cynder]

I was so bound and determined to film today, but it didn't happen. Since it's Father's day everyone is hanging out with their families which is understandable. My Dad is dead, my Grandpa is dead, and my step dad could care less, so I don't have anyone to honor today.

 

I did have a productive day though... I spent the day editing, except for when I left to go to the grocery store and then get my hair trimmed.

 

I am still undecided on a name... I am leaning the most toward Rocinante'... but earlier today I was talking to my friend and she said I should call my company Rhiavation. Because it's a play on my name... But I actually came up with the name Rhiannovation after she made her suggestion. Both those names are cleaver. But I know everything that goes into film, and it won't be me doing all the work, so I don't know if it's fair to name the company after myself.

 

The other day I thought of a parallel that is interesting... The Rocinante is a vessel that flies through a black hole. The logo for Adam's film company is a black hole. (Heh... I designed it, one more thing I did for him and got no real thank you or credit for.) I've been through his company... and if felt about like a black hole, sucking all the energy out of everyone involved, except Adam. He had tons of energy... Of course sitting around letting everyone do all your work will do that though. So I've been through his company, came out on the other side stronger, just like the guy in the song does.

 

I know to anyone reading this it seems like I'm obsessing... and I am to some extent. I am a obsessive at times. But this is important. Indie Film Makers need a web presence, and I can't establish and kind of web presence without a name. Can't make a logo, can't created a facebook page, twitter account, website, etc.

 

It was so nice having a day off today... This was my first day off since Memorial Day.

[BellaDonna]

I don't know if it is just the familiarity aspect since I see the word so often in the title of your journal, but I like Rocinante' Productions.

[Cynder]

So, I'm here at a bar meeting up with a guy who really is interested in independent film and really wants a shot at being one of my PAs. He's ten minutes late. I'm already having doubts, lol.

[DN]

Yeah, one of the requisites for being in film/theatre is to be on time.

[Cynder]

So... I think I finally have a name. I may not have been keen on it to begin with, but the more I consider it, the more the name Rhiovation is starting to grow on me. I've run it by others too and they all like it. I do have issues with using a name that is directly derived from my name, but I will have issues with any name really. I am my own biggest critic, always have been.

[Cynder]

I made these real quick just now...

 

image removed

 

image removed

 

Feedback is appreciated.

[DN]

Excellent - really excellent.

[BellaDonna]

I think they look great! Well done.

[petite]

Agreed, looks great.

[Cynder]

I might start shooting Contneo later on today. One of my hired PAs is able to work today... as of now. But that is subject to change any minute. Depends on what his wife wants. She might give him a bunch of chores to do around the house.

 

Idk why so many woman feel the need to control their men. I never was like that with Adam. But, some people might argue that that's why he went out and fooled around on me. I didn't keep him on a short enough leash. I dunno though... I wouldn't want to be in a controlling relationship with someone who tries to own me. So why would I try to own anyone else?

 

His exact words were "I might be able to shoot today with you. I need to see if *Wife's name* will let me first." Now he told me he can work today, if she doesn't change her mind. Well, I'm paying him. I'm his boss. I can't just tell my boss at the machine shop "Hey something came up and I can't work today, sorry."

 

When I was with Adam he never had to ask my permission for anything, and I never asked his permission for anything either. He tried to be that way when we first lived together and I put a stop to that real quick. Sorry but I'm an adult and I don't need a man's permission to do anything.

[DN]

That guy sounds very weak.

[Cynder]

That guy sounds very weak.

 

Lol... too bad it's illegal to ask that all my PAs are singlr and childless, lol.

[DN]

Lol... too bad it's illegal to ask that all my PAs are singlr and childless, lol.

True but you can ask if they have the commitment and the ability to keep the commitment to do the job properly as and when scheduled.

[Cynder]

Well, PA canceled on me.

 

Damnit.

[Cynder]

It's annoying that every time I have a day off from work, it's a holiday. I say that because I wish I just could have one day off work that doesn't have to revolve around family.

 

I know it sounds really cold hearted of me... but the older I get, the less I want to be around them. I've been dealing with this condescending crap for 33 years and I have less and less patience for it. Nothing I do is good enough. I get made fun of constantly... etc.

 

Just an example of how they are... Two of the proudest moments in my life were graduating college, and when my film premiered on the big screen back in 2007. My family was there for both of those events. And both times they found something to complain about and/.or make fun of. It's mostly my Mom and my sister.

 

When I graduated, the Dean was standing off to the side shaking everyone's hand after they got their degrees. Well, when I got mine I almost walked right passed him without shaking his hand. No big deal in my eyes. But boy did they make a huge stink about it. My Mom and my sister were laughing about how stupid I looked almost walking right by him. I said in my own defense that I'm sure others did the same thing. They were like "No, you were the only one, we watched." Ok... so I made a friggin mistake. It took me 6 years to get my degree (I was a part time student.) Of course I was excited when I got it and not really thinking about stopping to shake some dude's hand.

 

And at my film premier, my sister went off on me and screamed at me in front of the theater afterwords because one line in the movie offended her. It was a line said by my character... but she didn't seem to understand that I didn't write the script and that just because my character said it doesn't mean I agree with it. But she had to make this big scene... in front of all these people too. And then my mother makes it a point to tell me she fell asleep 15 minutes into the film. But told me from what she saw she was really surprised because it actually looked like it wasn't going to be too bad a movie. She said she was expecting it to be a real piece of crap but the first fifteen minutes were "kinda decent." Ok... so I achieved kinda decent. I guess that's as good as it's ever gonna get with her.

 

I don't want to go to my Mom's house and deal with them all day to celebrate our "independence." The 4th of July is a bogus holiday in my eyes anyway. We aren't free.

[Cynder]

Yesterday at the end of the day I was talking to two co workers, Shannon and Sherri. Shannon knows I go to the gym every day after work and he knows I walk home. He told me to be careful today because we are on a heat advisory, he said I might want to get a ride home today instead of walking.

 

I told him if it's over 90 I won't walk home and I'll just call myself a cab.

 

Then SHerri jumps in and asks where I'm walking home from. I told her from the gym and she asked me which gym. I told her which one. She asked how far it is from my place. I said it's almost three miles. She looked at me all funny and I said "I'm dedicated."

 

And she said "Dedicated my ass, you're nuts is what you are."

 

I kind of laughed. And then she adds, "You can't afford to get your license and a car but you can afford a gym membership and to go to Europe. Something aint right there girl."

 

I told her that it has nothing to do with not being able to afford a car, I can't get my license because I have tunnel vision. She said that was BS and I could just have laser surgery to fix it, and to stop making excuses.

 

I didn't say anything but when she told me to stop making excuses I just wanted to tell her to stop being an ignorant ass and mind her own business.

 

Her thinking I can't afford a car is probably Adam's doing. Adam expected me to give up my first trip to Europe and use the money to buy him a car and I refused. So of course he went and told everyone at work. "Oh, we don't even own a vehicle but she can go to Europe, see how selfish she is."

 

He completely forgot to mention the part about him buying a brand new Jeep, then three months later quitting his job and no longer making payments, and of course the Jeep was repo'd.

 

I'm getting off track here though... I keep the fact that I have tunnel vision on the down low for this reason. People are just so stupid about it. And I understand it's not a common condition but come on! The ones that really get me are the people who say "Oh my uncle/cousin/nephew/sister/whoever has that and he/she drives." Well, if someone really has tunnel vision, they don't drive. Either that or they fudged the eye test on purpose and are a huge hazard on the road.

 

I know that can happen because I've kinda done it. Adam decided that me having tunnel vision was just a big lie to get attention so he *made me* get a learner's permit. I was able to do this because people with tunnel vision get really good at moving their eyes fast to see what's around them, etc. SO I could fudge the visual field test pretty easy. Then after he took me out driving twice, he realized that it's not just a big fake act and that I really CAN"T drive.

 

But unfortunately he went and told his whole family and our friends that I would be getting my DL soon so they all thought I was lying this whole time about not being able to drive too. Then when I ended up not getting my license that just caused more confusion.

 

And ironically... Adam lost his license because he broke the law. His suspension is up. He could get it back any time he wants. All he has to do is pay a couple hundred in reinstatement fees. He makes more money then I do and he doesn't have the bills that I have. He lives in this house that his parents own. His parents pay his electric bill. All he has to worry about is his cell and groceries. Yet no one ever gives him crap about not having his license. I have a legitimate reason to not have one. His reason is most likely that all his money is sapped away on porn and he can't afford the reinstatement fees.

 

I wish people could just leave stuff like this alone. Other people make a bigger deal about it then I do. If I need to go somewhere I find a way to go there. I've learned to function independently without a license. Why can't people see the good in that instead of making me feel bad about it?

 

Another good reason to move overseas... Most people I met over there don't even own cars. They all take public transportation or walk everywhere. I would fit in perfectly over there.