shadows

[tiredofvampires]

I do see wanting to continue with non-committal sex as "wanting to have your cake and eat it, too." That prevents either person from moving on properly.

[90_hour_sleep]

There may have been some emotional reasoning on her behalf when she said that. I think it may have been a way for her to soften the blow of the impending separation. "Yah...we're done...but at least we can still share some closeness." Now...with that...I'd have to say, ''Pfffft...what's the point?!"

 

I don't think the desire itself is flawed...but the way it presented itself was less than ideal.

 

I'm open to an evolution. And I have been in the past as well. Maybe my testosterone is low...because I don't feel drawn to the idea of non-commital sex at all. I'm not sure I've ever been able to stomach the idea of it, to be honest. On a superficial level, it seems appealing...but the emptiness I've felt in relationship sex when I felt our connection was suffering has lead me to question whether I'd ever be cut out for it.

 

Time will tell.

[Silverbirch]

I'm totally with you on ALL of that 90. Do you think there is a chance that she has commitment issues of her own?

 

I agree also that it was t appropriate of her to just show up and land herself on you like that - definitely a lack of consideration for respectful boundaries. I think for me I would not enjoy that type of sex either because it would mess with my head. Hello . . . If I want non-committal sex, there are plenty of other people I could have it with besides an ex.

[90_hour_sleep]

Well...to be fair...I probably didn't assert my boundaries. It's the awkward transition stage...and these things are bound to happen. Especially between two people who weren't the greatest communicators together. And when she suggested the sex thing, I don't think she was in the greatest place, emotionally. It happens.

 

I think, even with someone else...it might feel strange for me. I could be wrong.

 

Water under the bridge.

[itsallgrand]

Good luck with your talk.

 

You have given her a lot of leeway, IMO. It's a strategy I've never been comfortable with after a break up.

 

If it helps you to understand her better and to understand better where you stand and what is important to you, then maybe it isn't so bad. You aren't adding sex in the mix, and that helps.

 

It's pretty obvious you aren't going to do anything you don't want to do. And that you still have some figuring to do about this whole situation and L.

 

Yeah I agree that email (and texting too) can really not cut it sometimes when it comes to hashing out personal things.

 

So hopefully the talk(s) help!

[90_hour_sleep]

Leeway? Not sure I follow. Can you explain that?

[itsallgrand]

Sure.

What I mean by that is she has had a lot of freedom to interact with you and continue to give input. To have access to you, physically and emotionally.

[90_hour_sleep]

Ah. Gotcha. Thanks for explaining.

 

Comes back to boundaries, I think. I've been a bit waffly...and probably not crystal clear on my expectations. I don't think I can blame her for the bits of contact.

 

Feeling a bit sad today. Hoping I can find the courage to break down. I've got so much pent up energy that needs to come out. The year that was has been breaking me down...bit by bit. Perhaps today will be the last piece of that little puzzle.

[journeynow]

Ah. Gotcha. Thanks for explaining.

 

Comes back to boundaries, I think. I've been a bit waffly...and probably not crystal clear on my expectations. I don't think I can blame her for the bits of contact.

 

Feeling a bit sad today. Hoping I can find the courage to break down. I've got so much pent up energy that needs to come out. The year that was has been breaking me down...bit by bit. Perhaps today will be the last piece of that little puzzle.

 

90_ I can relate to this, having been through a phase of it back in the beginning. Just want to offer a couple of things that I found helpful in processing and releasing. I used physical outlets, such as cutting and burning brush, digging ditches, splitting wood, anything outdoors and involving hard work. In addition, indoors, I'd sometimes burn a candle and discovered by doing so felt as if I'd turned my emotional processing over to the flame for a spell. While it was burning I could take an internal break.

[90_hour_sleep]

Thanks, JN

 

I am in need of more firewood. I find the physical tasks great too. But, I think it would be helpful to really be conscious of the energy -- the feelings -- inside. Processing by feeling...and releasing.

 

I'm reminded of the story of the two ducks that Eckhart Tolle told in one of his books. Animals are great teachers when it comes to the release of energy through aggression of some sort. They don't let it fester. Humans are a bit more complex obviously, but the analogy always did something for me.

 

I've actually got a candle burning right now. I'll have to give it some attention.

[90_hour_sleep]

Oh...wow.

 

Release. This one has been a long time coming. It is so hard to let go of someone you care about.

 

We had a great chat though. I think it was a bit cathartic for both of us. Difficult I think to talk about things with such clarity at this stage...looking back on things from a vantage of knowing...but knowing that there is no going back. No going back. I've certainly discovered a different perspective for the way I behave in relationships.

 

So there's a bittersweetness about this. I think we both feel a sense of relief at being here. Relief from the pain of struggle. L's a bit further along than I am. More at peace I think. Although, as much as I'm feeling wounded right now, I think there's a bit of peace that has settled in on me. There was a lot of honesty. Listening. And some closeness that really felt good. We talked a bit about boundaries. We talked about friendship...and what that means. We talked about where we go from here. It's difficult to reconcile the fact that this sort of interaction is exactly what we needed more of along the way. But, when you're in it...

 

No more texting. No more emails. We both acknowledged a receptiveness for future interactions; although, no timeline. We're both so done with the relationship...and yet there still seems to be a mutual desire for connection (still not sure what that looks like).

 

I have to acknowledge something here though...

 

I have this hopefulness inside of me. I feel like there's an awakening (key) awareness in me. A shifting perspective on what it means to relate to someone. On how bonding takes place. On how intimacy is created and nurtured.

 

Beneath the compatibility...beneath the attraction...beneath love itself...there is a choice. I guess it's something like what traditional marriage vows were about. It's a commitment to work through the discomfort. While there may be a whole lot of kicking and screaming and slamming of doors...no one's going to walk out. I don't think this makes things easy. But it does make them simple in the sense that there's a common goal. There's a desire to build trust...and safety.

 

L is one of those people for me. I've got some work to do to let go of my expectation of what the future holds. But...at the very least...I think I've finally discovered what it means to love someone. Maybe I'll be more capable of letting it in the next time it comes along.

 

The hopefulness is also about her. I don't think she feels the same as I do. There's a greater sense of relief on her end...of finding herself again.. coming out of the fog. Lots of realizations. I do believe that she still loves me...like really loves me. But there isn't any going back to what was. There isn't for me either. I know that. The hopefulness is more of a wondering inside. It's like a vision. An evolved vision of what a relationship looks like.

 

Managing expectations.

[90_hour_sleep]

Thanks to everyone who has contributed in the past couple of weeks. It's been really wonderful to have such engaging people offering experience and insight. I feel really fortunate to have a voice here...and to be heard and acknowledged. I imagine I'll be lingering for awhile longer. Now starts the extensive period of growth...and healing. I've got some guilt to work through...some self-forgiveness to nurture along...and some examination of why exactly I behaved the way I did in this relationship.

 

I've started putting out some feelers for therapists. I'll be leaving my current residence for a good chunk of the winter, and hope to invest some time and energy in the therapeutic process. I actually sent out a few emails tonight...and got a call back from one a short time later. We had a good chat. I had good vibes. It may be a place to start when I can get there.

 

Love you guys.

[Silverbirch]

We love you too! You are doing great!

[Cheetarah]

Wow, sleepy. I'm so proud you are throwing out some feelers. I know it sounds daunting and you've had your reservations about therapy, even just making those phone calls, it's a big deal. Be proud.

[90_hour_sleep]

We love you too! You are doing great!

 

I feel like a sloppy mess to be honest, Silver. There are a lot of things rising up in me right now. This is another one of those feelings I forgot. There's no anxiety this time around...but I'm starting to feel like I'm lacking any sort of purpose right now. Like, I really did lose pieces of myself along the way. Had a tough time sleeping last night. The fact that my cat peed on the pillows the night before didn't really help things. I feel nauseated...tight in the stomach. I cried a couple times yesterday.

 

I'm having these thoughts now:

 

''I can't make friends here without her.''

"I'll be stuck doing nothing because I don't relate well to other people.''

"I wish I'd made more of an effort to connect here. Things seem so much easier when you have friends.''

''I can't stay here anymore.''

''She'll never want anything more to do with me.''

 

It's interesting how those things don't have a whole lot to do with L. I wonder a bit if this is why I get so reclusive in relationships. One person to the exclusion of the rest. It really happens.

 

The list goes on. Feeling a bit anxious about the job I'm starting this week. I feel blind-sided by my own emotions. I actually contemplated turning the job down...and just leaving. Leaving the other jobs I've lined up, also. But I don't even know where I'd go. It's like I invested in this life vision with L...but I didn't really invest in her. In some ways, leaving would possibly free me up to get immersed in these feelings. I re-developed a habit with L of sinking into external things to cope with where I was at. I worked a lot...even though it created a lot of extra stress in my life.

 

It's another life crisis. I suppose I should be grateful for it. I'm trying. I feel so deflated. Upset. Sad. And now, I feel lost too. I think I might need to start thinking a bit smaller. I'm getting lost in the feeling of hugeness. I think the isolation I feel here is really exacerbating that too.

 

So...yah. Not feeling so good about things.

[90_hour_sleep]

Wow, sleepy. I'm so proud you are throwing out some feelers. I know it sounds daunting and you've had your reservations about therapy, even just making those phone calls, it's a big deal. Be proud.

 

Thanks, Cheet. I'll give myself some credit for making effort. Thanks for acknowledging...and validating.

 

I think I'm going to sink into self-forgiveness. I found the last time I was here that looking for different ways to interact with the world really helped me feel sane again. And, at some point I came out with an outlook that felt good. Before I met L, I think I was starting to feel better about being on my own. I've always just had to deal with it, because my choices in life seem to lead me to that place of solitude more often than not. Dealing with it was not always the same as feeling good about it though. It's been an on-going struggle in my life. I'd like to invest a bit in the connections I have here. I think I've created a bit of an image. Dug myself a bit of a hole. And now, I don't have that person in my life who was encouraging me to be social. The onus is back on me. I think that's where it belongs though.

 

So many thoughts.

 

Think I'll take advantage of being awake though. I've been trying to get up earlier the last few months. The nauseated feelings are good for that.

[Cheetarah]

Well, cat urine will always put a damper in your day. God, right on your pillow. The nerve.

 

You sound overwhelmed in a way I haven't heard you sound...But I think it's a catalyst, sleepy. And you know I'm not a cheeseball, and I'm not going to try and shove positivity down your throat. At all. I'm just seeing it from a different place, with the upper hand of being on the outside.

 

You sound similar to the way I felt, when I said choosing a pair of socks was an accomplishment and I was being urged to focus on things 20 times bigger than that...And I was just proud that my socks matched...So I'm with you, start small. Don't overwhelm yourself. I always feel so happy when I connect an issue to another...Because it makes the hugeness seem smaller. It can be so daunting to examine separate issues and regard them as such..separate...when in fact they all do share the same rope. So just remember that when it all seems too big to contend with.

[journeynow]

You sound similar to the way I felt, when I said choosing a pair of socks was an accomplishment and I was being urged to focus on things 20 times bigger than that...And I was just proud that my socks matched...So I'm with you, start small. Don't overwhelm yourself.

 

I agree with Cheetarah. You've come a long way already. We all have. There was a time when we couldn't begin to match socks, or put them on. It was daunting. Now it's my turn to be cheesy...In one of my lowest periods I listed all my accomplishments I could think of, including being born, learning to walk, learning to read...I was really fishing for faith in myself...and it helped! Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps, we overcome hurdles.

 

Oh, and pause occasionally to cheer yourself on. I heard an interview recently which discussed a study done on the difference it made for people that tried using their own names during self-talk, their self-talk was less critical, kinder.

[90_hour_sleep]

Thanks you two. It really is an overwhelming feeling. I think it's really good for me though. Because it's letting things out of me that have been stuck. I really feel like I need to have a meltdown. It's been building and building. I've felt so alone this past year. And I honestly have no idea how I even made it here. There's not anything that would take me back to this time last year. It's been painful for a long time. I haven't allowed myself an outlet for it.

 

More tears.

 

I did get out of bed today. Did some stretching...exercises. And, I'm going to start the rest of my day. One step...

[itsallgrand]

Awww, huge hugs.

 

I bet she is really glad you were able to feel deep down that she has been loving you this whole time. And I'm glad for you too that you can feel that, because it's something you can take with you and will be inside of you gently shaping things forever.

I've always said, when you love someone, they know, and when they love you, you know. You just do. It goes down to the bones.

 

I don't know if you ever saw that movie "something has got to give" but it has these scenes where the female character is grieving the end of her relationship with Jack Nicholson. And she really loved him. They show her randomly through out the day crying. She starts crying in the shower - but she keeps showering. She is crying writing - but she keeps writing.

 

I thought of that scene when I was mourning my grandma recently. I'd be putting laundry in the dryer, and start crying. Cooking and cutting up vegetables - and start crying. But I just kept going and letting myself cry.

 

I'll be thinking of you.

[Silverbirch]

Big Big Hug 90. Ditto what everyone else has said. You really are doing great even though it may not seem that way. As for where you live, you don't have to make any major decisions just yet.

[90_hour_sleep]

Thanks Silver...IAG... I mean it. I feel so grateful that you're all here. It's a massive part of my support network.

 

I've always said, when you love someone, they know, and when they love you, you know. You just do. It goes down to the bones.

 

I hope she knows.

 

I thought of that scene when I was mourning my grandma recently. I'd be putting laundry in the dryer, and start crying. Cooking and cutting up vegetables - and start crying. But I just kept going and letting myself cry.

 

I suspect there will be more of this to come. I feel like I'm mourning this part of myself that has bubbled up to the surface. It's wreaked so much havoc on my emotional well-being...for so long. And now it's here. It's staring me in the eyes. How can I possibly let this opportunity go? Part of me feels excited to get to the root of it all...to figure it out...to learn how to have healthier relationships...with anyone...everyone. I think it's what hurts too though. There's some regret in the mix now that it's emerging a bit more clearly.

 

I just had a moment of pure calm...reading that last bit. For an instant, I felt hopeful...not for any particular outcome. Just for the joy of moving forward in life...knowing that there is more. It's bigger than this.

 

I'm going to remember these words, IAG. Just keep doing what I'm doing. I think it will actually help. I find when I think about the crying...it stops. And that feels frustrating. It just feels so darn good to release.

 

Goodnight!

[Silverbirch]

Night!

[90_hour_sleep]

Had a nice phone chat last night. Thanks, M.

 

A few thoughts I'd like to record:

 

Volunteering might be a nice opportunity to get out there and build on connections. I've had a bit of a chance to help people out that aren't in the greatest circumstances. And honestly, those have been the most rewarding experiences I've had since I've moved here. Not sure what the volunteer options are like, but it's something to look into.

 

People. Positive people with good energy. I think for the most part, those are the people I generally spend time with. I'm going to work on being more conscious of that.

 

I think as a place to start, there are a few things that I need to remember, and create habits out of.

 

-I'm worthy of being loved.

-I choose connection and kindness to be integral parts of my daily life.

-I choose to engage whole-heartedly in resolving conflict.

-I choose to love, and express love to those I care about.

-I choose to engage actively in exploring different social situations, and work to move through the automatic apprehension that is often involved.

 

These are things I'd like to bring to romantic relationships, but I think they're equally valuable contributions to other relationships as well.

[quirky]

I loved reading your last post, it filled me with warmth Great pointers. Great things to seek. Authenticity, wholeness, connection to the world and others' souls.

 

I know this sounds a cliche but I have noticed that it is loss that makes people change. Loss of something big. Relationship, career, moving abroad, bereavement..loss makes us truly reflect on the core of us.