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Why would you want to be friends with your ex when you've got yourself a harem right here?

 

By the way, 90, I have a bone to pick with you. Quite some time ago you posted the Opeth video for "Hope Leaves". Seemed like an easy enough song to learn at the time. Ack. I believe my pinky now has it's own version of Carpal Tunnel just trying to work out that bass progression (guitar) on the intro riff. Thanks a lot.

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I loved reading your last post, it filled me with warmth Great pointers. Great things to seek. Authenticity, wholeness, connection to the world and others' souls.

 

I know this sounds a cliche but I have noticed that it is loss that makes people change. Loss of something big. Relationship, career, moving abroad, bereavement..loss makes us truly reflect on the core of us.

 

Thanks quirky.

 

I agree with loss and change. For me, it's really the one thing that seems to break me down enough to wake me up. It's a little easier being here with that in mind. Knowing that if I take the time to heal...and seize the opportunity for growth...I'm going to gain from it. Maybe this is the time that something really clicks.

 

I take it you've had a similar experience??

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Why would you want to be friends with your ex when you've got yourself a harem right here?

 

By the way, 90, I have a bone to pick with you. Quite some time ago you posted the Opeth video for "Hope Leaves". Seemed like an easy enough song to learn at the time. Ack. I believe my pinky now has it's own version of Carpal Tunnel just trying to work out that bass progression (guitar) on the intro riff. Thanks a lot.

 

A harem indeed! It's part of the reason I was interested in your perspective. Could be my objectivity is seriously compromised here.

 

I'm glad you stopped by. I miss that Tiger! As for hope leaves...I don't always find myself paying attention to the bass. It takes a unique sort of person to tune into that...almost always someone who plays the bass. It's the tempo really. It drives the rest of the song. Ironically enough though, my favourite part of that song is when the bass first kicks in at around 1:12....which sounds to be what you're referring to. I've tested a few sound systems with that song...for that reason. It's got a great range of acoustics. And it's a bit haunting. Very sad actually.

 

Sure makes you appreciate the musicianship though. That's why I'm so drawn to the band.

 

Anyway...please accept my apology! You're always welcome here, also.

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Good on you for taking the step of seeking out a therapist, even though it wasn't something you were comfortable with. It's a big step!

 

I hope you find the right person for right now...I believe this will move you along in leaps and bounds in your commitment to yourself.

 

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do something every day that scares you." I'm using that mantra a lot these days, myself. Love it.

 

I also love the scene IAG was talking about in that movie "Something's Gotta Give". One of my favorite. scenes. ever. Very relatable to me.

 

I do think that the only way we truly kneel down for change comes when we are brought low by loss -- but also, a determination to face it without running, and instead, learning.

 

Happy self-excavating.

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I'm starting to wonder about my physical state...and how it's been influenced by my emotional state for the last couple of years. The last year especially I've been abnormally fatigued. It's starting to make sense. Low energy. I guess that does tend to happen when your energy is being diverted elsewhere.

 

I'll be interested to see how my body responds to this...once the initial stress/overwhelming period has ended. It's encouraging to think of the two things as being related. I mean...it seems so obvious that they would be. But then, I think there is a certain denial involved when you get lost in a relationship. When the struggle becomes a way of life.

 

Interesting...

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Good on you for taking the step of seeking out a therapist, even though it wasn't something you were comfortable with. It's a big step!

 

I hope you find the right person for right now...I believe this will move you along in leaps and bounds in your commitment to yourself.

 

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do something every day that scares you." I'm using that mantra a lot these days, myself. Love it.

 

I also love the scene IAG was talking about in that movie "Something's Gotta Give". One of my favorite. scenes. ever. Very relatable to me.

 

I do think that the only way we truly kneel down for change comes when we are brought low by loss -- but also, a determination to face it without running, and instead, learning.

 

Happy self-excavating.

 

Thanks vampy. And thanks for your encouragement and your insight. And yah...loss is humbling. It hurts. And it certainly encourages one to find a new path...a better path. Fortunately...I don't feel like I have the energy to run anymore. Intense feelings right now. I hope you're right. Some leaps and bounds would be nice.

 

I actually talked with a friend here yesterday. We've sort of had more interaction in the last few weeks. I got talking about some things...and mentioned the idea of therapy. Turns out he's spent a lot of time there himself...and credits major life changes to the process. Life changing. Never would've expected. And it was really nice to have that male insight. Seems so uncommon in my world. Maybe I just haven't been looking in the right places. I think that real world connection solidified my resolve a bit.

 

I haven't seen the movie...but it may be worth a watch. I've had several of those moments over the course of the last couple days.

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Honestly...I wish I could get going with it right now...counseling...therapy...etc. Patience.

 

Going away for work for a couple weeks. Feeling a bit anxious about it. Should be a cool experience though, and I think the time away might do me some good.

 

Been having a lot more interaction with people this week. Maybe I'm just hungry for connection...and people can feel it...so they're more willing to engage? Longer chats. More substance. More ease. Is this how connection is born?

 

I really am hungry for connection. I've tended let myself be submissive when it comes to being social. L was really dominant in that sense...and I let her carry me along. It's part of the reason living here has been such a struggle. I didn't work and build my own connections a lot of the time. So, now I'm feeling alone up here a lot of the time.

 

I don't seem to make friends easily though. I'm thinking that some of that has to do with the fact that I've lost touch with the things that interest me. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm into. Or...all of the time. It's like, joy has given way to this perpetual anxiety. I'm consumed by the little things that don't really matter all that much. I think it's difficult to make sustainable friendships without those common interests. I need to reflect on what brings me joy. What I like to do. Where I like to spend time. There's a bit of staleness in life for me. Seems it's a part of the breaking process. If I felt more secure in life, this breakup wouldn't be hitting me as hard as it is. Balance. Is it out there?

 

That's become part of the investigation. I always swore up and down that I wouldn't let myself stagnate again. That I'd see it before it got too far and take corrective action. But here I am.

 

*Sigh*

 

Life is heavy right now.

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Oh, and pause occasionally to cheer yourself on. I heard an interview recently which discussed a study done on the difference it made for people that tried using their own names during self-talk, their self-talk was less critical, kinder.

 

Hey JN...

 

I've just been reading back on a few things...and I'm wondering if you have an example of self-talk with the name. I mean, it sounds obvious...but I'm just wondering about it in the context of how you heard it.

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Hi 90,

 

Here's a link the the NPR interview link removed

 

These quotes come later in the interview:

Psychologist Ethan Kross of the University of Michigan led the work, studying the pronouns people use when they talk to themselves silently, inside their minds.

 

"What we find," Kross says, "is that a subtle linguistic shift — shifting from 'I' to your own name — can have really powerful self-regulatory effects."

 

In other words, it changes the way you feel and behave.

 

People who used their own names...were more likely to give themselves support and advice....It's almost like you are duping yourself into thinking about you as though you were another person."

 

Being an "outsider" in this way has real benefits: As LeBron James might tell you, with some distance, it's a lot easier to be kinder to that other person

 

It rang true for me, because I had inadvertently done something similar when I switched my inner dialogue from my usual mode to imagining I had a spirit guide or cheerleaders or guardian angel saying things like "You're doing great, journeynow...good work....we're really proud of you, JN..." If sounds sappy, and even felt so for a second or two, but sappy was an improvement to what I had been feeling. A moment or two of doing it brought relief. I didn't do it continually, but just enough to feel a shift or to keep me going through a difficult spell. It makes hard things easier.

 

Actually, bringing it to mind now is a good reminder to keep it in my "toolbox".

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Oh...the toolbox. 90 likes to buy new tools. He finds it exciting. I think 90 also likes to put new tools in his emotional toolbox. It's satisfying work for him, and gives him some optimism as he moves towards healthier relationships.

 

 

Haha, me, too! Tools, all kinds...are so sweet... trusty old pals and intriguing new friends, they are.

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What kind of tools did you buy?

 

I have to admit I sometimes use Journeynow's suggestion. About the self talk. It does help. Especially when you just feel overwhelmed with negativity or feeling low/empty.

 

My little secret, that isn't a secret as of now, is that even my passwords are now nice little messages to myself in code. I use passwords so much, most of us do, and I used to always have random ones. Now every time I have to use one, it's like a nice little pat on my own back. Just reminds me. How nice it feels to be nice to oneself.

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I just realized when I try to pump myself up for something, where I am nervous, scared, whatever - I always use my name. "Okay, Cheet. You can do this. You're doing it, gogogo." But when I talk poorly of myself, it's always "I". And for the hell of it, I just said some horrible things to myself(what kind of sick experimenting am I doing here?), addressing myself personally...And it made me cringe. It felt like I was saying that to someone else, sort of.

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itsallgrand, I love your method for passwords. Brilliant!

 

Cheeterah, your post reminded me, when I self talk really negatively I use "You'" instead of "I" or "journeynow". As in: "Oh, you idiot, look what you did, you broke it." or "Now you're screwed, you'll never get out of here..." Awful talk! "Journeynow, let's throw that away, far away from the good tools!" ;-)

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It's been awhile since I added tools to the toolbox.

 

I'm sure in it right now. I think it helps to write things down. The thoughts go somewhere that way, instead of just swirling around in frenzied madness. They make a bit of sense. And...it's interesting to look back for the sake of contrast...and comparison.

 

Sometimes it's difficult to see the good things...because the bad things make so much noise. I think I'm going to add that to my list of helpful reminders.

 

Vampy...I took a page out of Eleanor Roosevelt's book the last few days. When I see someone I know, without any actual plan to meet, I typically have only the most cursory of interactions. I tend to worry that my interaction won't be welcome...that somehow the other will feel as uncomfortable as I do about it. But...a few times, I just did it anyway. It's going to take some time. I've realized that I often feel disconnected because I haven't always made the effort with people. I'm sure I often appear aloof...in my own world. Sometimes that's the case...but more often than not I think it has more to do with my discomfort...and my somewhat atrophied social muscle. I just...avoid it. Lots of avoidance it seems. Exhausting.

 

Interesting that you've all had some experience with the self-talk name game. I'm going to give it a go with my morning routine. When the morning thoughts start flooding in (as they have been this last few days)...probably a opportune time to interrupt the auto-dialogue with an altered tone. It's a nice feeling to be gentle in the morning...while having a good look at yourself in the mirror.

 

Might be time for some password changes, IAG. That's a cool idea...thanks for sharing!

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Today...I’m feeling it in my heart.

 

I have this underlying anxiety. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly relaxed. I think I’ve been in denial about my levels of happiness. I’ve been coping with life...as opposed to really living it. I’ve been coasting...pulled along by the little pieces of transitory pleasure. Is there a sustainable sense of peace...joy? Something? Anything?

 

That’s a bit dramatic. There are good things. It just feels like I’ve been struggling for such a long time. This year, every time I sensed there was relief in site...something else happened. It feels like a train wreck looking back. No reprieve. So, I think it’s happening all at once now. Everything I haven’t dealt with. Feeling so overwhelmed again. I’m beginning to realize that this is so much deeper than the relationship.

 

Breathe. D...you’ll get through this. You’re awake. You’ve already started moving forward. You’re taking initiative. Be gentle with yourself. Respect the journey. Remember to have courage. And remember that this is a moment in time. It’s not forever.

 

Reflection:

 

When I’m single, I seem to be waiting for something else...a relationship maybe...to fill a little hole inside of me. And then, when the relationship arrives, I feel like I get stuck. I can’t get into conflict (and it’s so inevitable). I avoid it. I think there is a part of me that is terrified that the other person will leave. And I’ll be alone...and feel that sense of emptiness again. And because it feels so hard for me to connect with people...I feel this sense of longing with the world. Honestly, I think I’m one of those people who deep down thinks maybe he just won’t find anyone. Like I need to hold on to the one that arrives...when she arrives.

 

There’s shame with this I think...because I think I should be fine by myself...on my own. But it makes me feel anxious...like I can’t seem to cope with life. I seem to rely heavily on the relationship...but at the same time, I refuse to truly open to it...and allow it to blossom. This in turn leads to a lack of bonding...a lack of true intimacy. There is no resolution. There’s resentment. There’s anger and sadness on the other side. I feel stuck...trapped...unable to cope...and on top of that I seem to cut myself off from others around me.

 

So, there isn’t really any support. Because I can’t ask for it. I feel like there isn’t anyone sometimes (distortion). I wish I had friends. People to do things with. Things I enjoy. But then, I’m not really sure what I enjoy anymore. I enjoy surfing. I enjoy game of thrones. I enjoy music. I enjoy cooking. I enjoy sharing meals. Maybe I need to invite others to share these things that I enjoy? I enjoy the sound of the ocean. I enjoy the stars. I enjoy playfulness...and just being out and active. I enjoy the forest...the trees; although, lately I just feel anxious with the trees. I feel small...and alone...and more disconnected. Lately, the silence terrifies me. There is so much resistance inside right now.

 

I want to be intimate. I want to share friendships (and i do...sometimes)...and be less dependent on relationships for my happiness. I want to learn to resolve conflict with my partner...and others. I want to share. And grow. And love. And build something with someone. I want to be supportive. And loving. I want to accept...and be accepted. I want to be warm...and feel the warmth of others.

 

I’m terrified of ending up like my Dad. He’s so tired. And unhappy. It just seems like there’s no life in him. And...it’s distressing for me to admit that sometimes I feel as thought there’s not much life in me either. He seems lost. Like there’s nothing that brings him joy. Like his life is completely ruled by fear...of everything. He doesn’t seem capable of conflict resolution either. He deflects...and projects...and freezes and avoids. He’s just so miserable sometimes.

 

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life inviting people in and then pushing them away. I’m so tired of it. I don’t want to live like this. I want health. I want vibrancy.

 

The truth is, I really love L. But I can’t for the life of me imagine being with her. I just can’t. I know my pain is not illusory...because it’s pushing me to realize how lost I’ve felt. How lost I feel. I find myself thinking of the good things. And then I realize that this must be how she felt when she made lists of all the things she loved about me. She was sad...and raw...and was clinging to these shards of happiness...the bits of binding that had created a bond between us. She was hurting. Really hurting. And...that’s why I want these things:

 

I want to be intimate. I want to share friendships...and be less dependent on relationships for my happiness. I want to learn to resolve conflict with my partner. I want to share. And grow. And love. And build something with someone. I want to be supportive. And loving. I want to accept...and be accepted. I want to be warm...and feel the warmth of others.

 

I don’t want to ever be a part of this dynamic again...with anyone. I realize I can’t keep others from the sadness. But I can have compassion when that sadness comes. I can empathize. I can offer warmth...genuine warmth. I can be supportive...and kind...and gentle. I can hold someone in a time of need. I can do my best to be understanding. And I can shed my fear and crumble in the presence of someone else. I can show my discomfort. My pain. My needs. I can show someone my raw insecurity...my sadness...my hopes and fears. And I can hope that I’ll get the support from those that I so desperately desire it from.

 

I CAN do these things. Although, I’m not sure how.

 

**Interlude**

 

Just saw a pod of whales out the window.

 

**End interlude**

 

I end up with such loving people. They’re needy...and wounded. But they’re so free with their emotions. Sometimes that’s the most uncomfortable thing. They’re quick to love...and quick to anger. But beneath it all...they’re complete sweethearts. Gentle. And human. They give...and give...and give.

 

I’ve been recalling specific moments in time where I’ve hurt people. The more recent ones are freshest. I’m feeling how my behaviours during periods of conflict opened L up to hurt. And I’m feeling the hurt that I failed to really feel at the time, myself. Because looking back...I was hurting myself. And it’s hurting now. All those times I just didn’t speak up. All those times I sat with her, silent...as she cried...and didn’t do much of anything. It’s excruciating.

 

And to recall the times when I was supportive...the contrast...how good it felt. So, maybe I do know what these things feel like. I just really need to work on allowing them to come forward consistently.

 

TOV...I’m feeling more and more that your insights hit the mark. I’ve always avoided needing people. I feel guilty about it sometimes, in certain relationships (when I do venture out to ask for help). I’m not sure I feel anything when it comes to the romantic side of things though. I just push it all away. Has that bubbled up yet? Is everything I’ve been feeling (today is particularly intense) a manifestation of that? Denying the fact that I do have emotional needs? Denying my need...and feeling threatened by the need of someone else as though it’s a reminder of my own need that I reject...

 

I feel so sad about it. How does it feel to need someone...and have that need accepted...and supported?

 

My heart hurts. I find myself looking around at others...and wondering how many of them have felt this. How many are feeling it right now? How many have done what I do...and continue to do it? How many are silently dying inside. Feeling the pain...and carrying on with it stuck inside somewhere.

 

Commitment:

 

January - ...

 

I’m going to make time for this. I have loose ends to take care of first. But I’m not going to put anything else on my plate. That’s going to be my time.

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Nothing like a series of long, long work days for distraction. It does feel good to be working again...regardless of the break from feeling the intensity of emotion. It's just been awhile. Sometime I forget the feeling of satisfaction. Oi...stagnation everywhere. Tricksy, tricksy. Sneaks up on ya.

 

Good crew here. Really good crew actually. 45-55. Ex-ski-patrollers, kayakers, outdoor educators. Working construction to pay for their kids! Clean, genuine, decent, content(?). Just seem like a healthy group of guys. All friends...good friends. We've been sharing meals together in the crew house. Good food...good company. I feel a bit inspired...because these guys have so many things that I see in my own future. There's a wholesomeness. Maybe it's balance...or what I imagine balance to look like. They're productive...but laid back. Diverse interests...and an interest in others (perhaps a part of having diverse interests). Very generous as well.

 

Funny...I felt so stressed out when I arrived here four days ago. Overwhelmed with everything. I tried my best to breathe through it...but it still felt excruciating. Perhaps that's what breathing really does. It opens me up to feeling the full intensity of emotion. While it's been difficult this year...it's also felt like I've been in a bit of a fog. Numb almost.

 

How does that happen? It's like regression. It's the ''two steps back'' after taking two-and-a-half forward. And sometimes it's like watching from outside of myself. I can see things happening...and on the most rudimentary level, I can tell when things aren't healthy. But, there's a sense of powerlessness to do anything about it. Habit? Fear? Ignorance?

 

Still breathing. One breath at a time.

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Glad you are liking the job and the atmosphere and good people to work with.

Work has always felt like a tonic to me...and it does help when there is that comraderie there. Maybe it's just what you need at this point. Change of scenery, some work, and the feeling of accomplishing something concrete right now.

 

Anways, glad to hear you are doing alright. It's understandable if you aren't feeling 100% just yet, but alright is a good start.

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^^

 

Thanks. The work tonic. Ties into having purpose. I sure seem to invest in that notion...and there is definitely an elemen I self-worth associated with it too. I'm more prone to struggle when I'm no working.

 

 

"Alright" is a good start, I agree. No longer in panic mode. I'll take it!

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It's dark. Winter is settling in. I've been awake for a few hours...enjoying the warmth of my bed. There were two cats nestled into my body nooks...sharing warmth...and vibrating away as only cats can do. The epitome of comfort. And the waves. Yep. That sound. It's a bit like rain on the tin roof (that is a frequent occurrence here as well). Sometimes I get to thinking that I need someone else to enjoy these things. That they'd be better somehow. That's something to consider. What is it about the presence of someone else that would make it better? It's a theme in my life I think.

 

I gave my notice yesterday. My rent is settled up for the next two months. I've got some jobs to take care of for the next month or so. I'm going to fix my wetsuit today (giant seam tear...doesn't make for pleasant winter Pacific experience!) and might go for a drive later to pick up some local beef bones. I'd wanted to start one of my jobs today, but the customer hasn't got back to me on some details. Seems a good excuse to not work. We'll see. I'm a bit anxious to get started. I'm feeling like I might run out of time. Everything happens so slowly here, that it begins to feel like a step needs to be taken every day, otherwise things just don't happen. It might actually be true...this idea. Then again, it might just be the way I think about things. Relax.

 

The PAL (possession and acquisition license) course will be starting next week. Another reminder that there are things that I HAVE been pursuing (CORE was the first step). Never imagined I'd have any desire to own a gun. But, I find myself feeling excited about the prospect. The deer here are invasive...and rampant. They outnumber people more than 100:1...and they're destroying the indigenous vegetation. They also happen to be...delicious. I eat it...I should be able to do the work necessary. I feel a bit nervous...but I think that's to be expected. Not something I grew up with. Even if hunting isn't for me...I've always wanted to learn to shoot. The mission here...the vision...has been largely based around food. Providing for oneself is a unique opportunity. It's a huge part of the reason I'm here. I think it's one of the things that connects us.

 

Had an interesting moment yesterday. I worked last week...a lot. I asked before I left about overtime, because I was informed that I'd be working alone, and I'd only have 8 days to do the job (not enough time...and not my fault that there wasn't enough time. Common theme with the company). I was given the green light to work as much as necessary...so I did. And I finished that stage of the job...on schedule. So, yesterday I get a phone call from the accounting department, asking me about my hours. Turns out they're not able to bill overtime for this particular job. Hmm. I let her know that the project manager had given me the green light. And...that was that. I had this urge when I hung up to send off and email indicating that I'd be fine with no overtime. But then I started thinking about it. I've never felt entitled to overtime, having worked many jobs where it wasn't even a consideration. But it's different when the expectation is laid out before the job starts: ''If you have to work overtime, that's fine. You'll be compensated.'' I'm going to leave it in their hands. They're legally obligated to pay me. It's not my fault that the ball was dropped on this one. I'm not going to make it my problem. If they ask, I may be willing to work something out. But I'm not going to think about it unless it comes up. With my last boss, I'd have made that offer. But, it was a small business...and we were friends. Different relationship. Part of me feels like I should do the same in this instance. That I should be the 'good' guy and extend myself. That in order to secure myself as a 'quality' employee, I need to do those sorts of things. But then, I think I've already been a bit of a doormat with this company. I've been hung out to dry on more than one occasion. So, this is an opportunity to explore my boundaries. If I'm going to work excessively (even for a short period of time), there has to be something in it for me that extends beyond just having a job. I'm not going to roofie myself by working too much. It's not particularly good for my lifestyle. So, if there's no monetary gain to be had...I have to ask myself what the point of working so much is. At the end of the day, these bigger jobs are ultimately a means to an end. It's okay to have boundaries. It's okay to put my foot down.

 

There was another moment yesterday as well. Someone showed up at my house last month to ask me about looking at a job. I ended up going with her to have a look right away. Spent an hour figuring things out. I didn't end up doing the job...was just more of a consultant. And, that's fine. I don't mind doing that from time to time.

Fast forward to yesterday, and I ended up in this woman's store. I brought a few things to the counter to pay...and she remembered that I'd come to help her out. So, free stuff yesterday. The thing is...I felt guilty about it. Something in me felt that I couldn't accept it...that I should be willing to do these things for people for nothing. But then...I often have done them for nothing. Many people don't offer...and I often will not press the issue. I think I should just be happy that someone valued my time. Such a small exchange...but an exchange nonetheless.

 

Time to get out of bed I think. Grumbling tummy. Been making smoothies out of goat milk lately. Cultured milk, banana, egg yolk, and a bit of coconut oil. Seems to be keeping me going.

Edited by 90_hour_sleep
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L called today. I didn't answer. A relatively benign question about something she could've easily found online. It's strange how counter-intuitive it felt to just press 'delete'...and not respond. Part of me wants to call and say, ''Hey...if you want to talk...then just be up front about it. Don't disguise it behind something so trivial.'' But...what would the point be?

 

Just breathing through it. Had a meltdown this morning. In the dark. Listening to the rain and the waves again. It actually felt almost euphoric. I lay there thinking I'd like to freeze that moment in time...and just continue to feel everything I've ever felt in life but not felt. A moment of eternity...where it all comes out. Could've been I just didn't want to get out of bed. But it wasn't an apathetic moment. More cathartic I suppose.

 

I felt good after that moment. Picked up some food stuffs...and some costume bits. Looked at another job. Fixed my wetsuit tonight! Tomorrow might be the first test...as the storm seems to be rolling in.

 

Feeling a bit ambivalent about Halloween again. Over-thinking.

 

Parents are struggling right now also. Really struggling. Seems we're all hard-wired for struggle.

 

I almost deleted those last two bits...for fear of coming accross as redundant. What?! Redundant to who? It's my f***ing journal! I can write what I want in here.

 

Goodnight.

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