shadows

[90_hour_sleep]

It's a special kind of agony...this space I'm. It's just...so painful right now. Is it attachment to L that I'm feeling? Is it something bigger?

 

I was hoping she wouldn't show up last night. But she did. And...in some ways...it seems like for her nothing's really changed. I'm this person that she knew...and she can come to me and express things. It hurts right now. I'm feeling a bit sick actually.

 

She came and hugged me. Just...grabbed me from behind...and squeezed. Apologized for the random phone call. Then left. Shortly after...she came back and squeezed again. Later on...another squeeze...and this time asked me ''if I was okay...with this...''

 

Well there's a loaded question. No. I'm not okay with it. And this place...the way things spread. It's so small...and people talk. ''Oh...D...we heard you were just soooo over her already. We heard you wanted nothing to do with her. We heard you were glad to be rid of her.'' Where does this stuff come from?

 

Breathe.

 

I really do miss her. And while I know I'd walk down the same road...and it would hurt that much more...I still think about it. Being with her.

 

I couldn't tell for sure...but it looked like she left with another guy. Icing on the cake. It all just...stings.

 

On a positive note...I did enjoy the rest of the experience last night. Dressed up. Had some good chats. Danced. Wish it didn't feel so bittersweet. How am I going to continue living here. I mean...it's been a couple months. Longer if you count the time we haven't lived together. And here I am. So stuck on this. It's not misery. But intense sadness. How invested I was in my idea. I need to choose to let her go. To leave the idea behind. To put to rest any notions I have that we're somehow bound together. We're not. It's done. We're done. Finished. Over. I want to tell her. I might.

[90_hour_sleep]

This really struck me today. Probably because a kind, sincere word from anyone these days is enough to break me down entirely. I've never cried so much in my life. Never felt so humbled. I feel so alone...but at the same time there's obviously a deeper connection to this world that is touching me...releasing me. This must be what healthy grief feels like. It's profound sadness that I'm feeling directly. And it comes out of nowhere so often. The times when I want to let go like this, to break down, but can't...I'm noticing that I'm stuck in thought mode. The thoughts seem to keep me paralyzed from feeling. Which is interesting...because so often the thoughts create the emotion. But...there's a critical link that I think I've been missing. The process of going from the emotion to my body. To actually feeling where this emotion lives inside of me. It's been so abstract in my experience.

 

I cried on the phone with my mom yesterday. I've never shared that kind of experience with a family member. Actually, Aside from my ex of long ago, I've never cried in front of anyone. I cried with a complete stranger the other night while she hugged me...for real. I was a step away from losing it completely...relinquishing control and just letting it be in that moment. I think I'll get there.

 

I want to heal. To Pema...I can feel the itch of the scabies...and now I want to heal. I don't want to die...bleeding to death...from scratching the itch. From always seeking ground...relief. I want to heal.

 

And here it is again. Is it possible not to be present with this feeling? With tears?

 

I want to heal. I want to form healthy relationships...friendships. I want to have meaningful dialogue with people. I want to listen. And share. I want to move through the fear I've been developing...the aversion to life...and love. I want to trust in the process and feel connected to this journey.

 

Going for a massage. Haven't felt inclined to write here. Probably won't write much in the weeks/months to come. Thanks again to everyone who has contributed. Every one of you has helped me get to this place where I feel ready to heal. I couldn't have done it without you. Love and gratitude to each of you. Feel free to stop in and share what you're feeling in your heart. If I could hug you...I would. A real hug. Heart to heart (thanks cheet).

 

Breathe.

[itsallgrand]

This made me happy to read. This is all good stuff!! You are really doing it. And I couldn't be happier for you.

 

Oh god, massages. Love them. Great idea. Massages and yoga - both I find really healing. Especially with this stuff. Matters of the heart and body being in line with each other.

 

It's what I need too. I need to my heart and body back in touch with each other again. I'm just aching for it. It's so palpable now I can taste it.

 

Sending lots of hugs to you on your journey..remember, you've got a lot of good faith behind you, every step of the way.

[Silverbirch]

Yes, it was good to read your last post 90!

[Cheetarah]

image removed

[90_hour_sleep]

Purge...

 

Man...today was an emotional struggle of a day. Life trauma sure can tune a guy in to the range of human experience...I tell ya. On the one hand, the wind is raging...the surf is pounding...and the rain is pelting. There's this wonderful energy in that. And, sitting in bed here, life feels okay. There is something truly invigorating living nestled into one of Earth's little nooks. Invigorating. And lonesome. I've found myself yearning for a friend...one of those friends who is like a soul buddy. Sharing space, laughs, adventures, food...whatever. It's like a life-partner replacement almost. Some little voice in me is whispering that maybe that yearning is me wanting desperately to flee from discomfort. Someone...or something to fill a space.

 

It's dawning on me that I'm actually quite afraid of being alone. It's the anxiety of not having someone around to share things with. It's really an interesting thing to be realizing, because I think I've invested substantial effort into being alone. Maybe it was unconscious effort...but it was still effort. I've often been critical of people who float around from relationship to relationship...or use friends and socializing as coping mechanisms for avoiding the weightiness of times of struggle. I think that was particularly harsh, looking back. And...ultimately...a reflection of my own inner workings. Oh...ye old projections.

 

 

It's a bit comical almost.

 

Turns out, I'm actually envious of those people. I often wish I had better-exercised skills in that department. Trying to flex my muscles a bit...but it's hard. It's so hard to create new ways of interacting. Or rather, having confidence in the way I've always interacted. Maybe that's the point. I think I was fun at some point in my life. I had a bit of charisma going for me. A bit of wit. A couple things that have been noticeably absent for the last couple of years. Where are they? Maybe it really is just a confidence thing. That's certainly been shattered. Most of me has been shattered I think. I hope. Maybe I'm still breaking.

 

I came here to vent some feelings...but I think I'm distracting myself away from that.

 

I cried a lot today. Watched a movie tonight -- Beasts of the Southern Wild. Just the right mix. This little girl...felt like she was sticking little pins into my soul. Poking those little fragments of knowing. Trying to open some little fissures inside...drawing out emotion.

 

I cried more than that. I had a wave of pretty potent anxiety. A wave. What am I doing here? What will I do next year? Will I always be alone? Can I come back? Will I want to? What the hell am I gonna have for dinner? Ah, who needs dinner. Where's my cat? I'm worried about him. There's no internet...phones are down. Cruel joke? Feeling lonely...so step on me why don'tcha? Stream of un-consciousness just working me into a frenzy of panic. No life vision. No purpose. Where am I going!? How am I going to get there? How am I going to do this little tiny job tomorrow? What if I'm late? What if I don't want to go? What if it's raining (really?!) The guy who brought wood...does he like me? And my buddy who stopped by to check on him...didn't even say hi. Why not? Lots of thoughts really. So many thoughts. But I came back to the feelings. And sat.

 

I sat this morning for awhile also...and there were memories while I was sitting. And some aches in my body from those memories. Heart aches. Gut aches. The ache just sort of holed up somewhere between my gut, and my heart. I don't know what it was doing in there...maybe making little incisions and then squeezing onion juice in them.

 

But then it dissolved. I think I sat right through it. Wasn't long...maybe a few minutes. I think I've been overwhelmed lately with a desire to flee...flee the feelings. Just...gotta feel good again. That sort of thing. I've been fairly well distracted...so there is still some emotional healing that needs attention. Not just the little stuff either. Feels like there's something big working its way up. And...I've been a bit torn between these feelings to either continue with distraction, or just shut myself off for a few days and let it come. I could probably get away with that too. I know I could.

 

L sent an email today. Something about mailboxes. I dunno. It's just such a stupid message. Trying to determine whether I've got some anger with it. I think I do. Because it's just such a stupid message! Go away. You're the one who wanted no electronic communication. Why pick the one day the phones are down to send an email? Same as the last email. That was after a few weeks of not seeing or hearing from each other. This one is after more than a month. I don't recognize anger in myself anymore. So, this is an exercise in rediscovery. Is it worth being upset about? Doesn't matter. Is it anger? It might be. Is irritation a form of anger? I don't actually feel anything in my body. Maybe it's not anger. I don't think it is.

 

The thing is, I actually thought about saying hello to her today...before she emailed. A response to anxiety? Seeking solace in a person of comfort? I don't believe in coincidence anymore. So, what's the lesson here? Or, what is it that I need to recognize. I know it's something. Nothing has been random in the last month. Nothing.

Is it pointing me towards self-reliance? Towards nurturing myself during a period of stress (anxiety today)?

This is less for the sake of analyzation...and more making a point of verbalizing a need for help. I'm open to the signs. I need more info though. So...I'm going to keep an open heart to this process.

 

On a practical note, I don't really want to reply to L. But, I think I will anyway.

 

I don't know. I really like crying. For whatever reason...it untangles all the knots in my gut. It frees my mind. And it leaves me feeling sort of peaceful. Maybe I should just start crying every time life gets hard.

 

I came here to vent...honestly. Not sure I did that. Maybe this should've been another of those burn notes I've been writing. Oh well.

 

Faith. There's reason in the rhyme.

[Silverbirch]

I think it is probably partly to do with Xmas and end of year being around the corner 90. I had a few moments of sadness, and some quit tears, but I'm also feeling relief that I'm finally getting on with a life alone. You will be okay 90.

[90_hour_sleep]

That's a possibility, Silver. Hadn't given it much thought really. I think it's just the nature of where I am...in general. I'm moving forward alone as well. There's good stuff in the mix. Still some big bits of processing to do though. Being alone is just a small component of what's going on beneath the surface. I'm ready for some regeneration.

 

Glad to hear you're moving forward as well. I catch little snippets of your interactions with D. Sounds super frustrating...but also just sad in a way. Worth some tears to be sure.

 

Thanks for stopping in.

[90_hour_sleep]

I think about dancing with you. I think about holding you close...while surrounded by a collective of happy friends. I think about the warmth of your smile...and the gentleness of your touch. I think about it. I feel it. I think about seeing your face accross a room...and I feel the pulse. I think about sharing space with you. Sharing moments. Sharing bits of my whole heart. There's an ache in there. And it stirs the depths. Through it, I'm able to smile at love. I rejoice in the love that others feel for each other. For creation. And connection.

[90_hour_sleep]

Had a conversation with a new friend today. It flowed in and out of various themes. Some people I find...we can just talk and talk and talk. It's not all that common in my world...and pretty interesting when it happens. At some point, we got talking about what it means to enter into a relationship...and how so often we (people in general) go in with our own needs in mind. We focus heavily on what we have to gain. What we'd like. How the other person fits our picture of happiness...or our life vision. And...in some way, that really stifles our ability to get to know who someone really is. We're a bit reluctant to see the layers...and accept them...because it threatens our own image...our own ideal of what the relationship is. Such a disservice...to ourselves...and our partners.

 

Wouldn't it be grand to walk into a new relationship without any expectation. Without running it through the filters. Entering in with a conscious decision to allow the other person to be as he/she is. To be willing to see them...experience them. To be that person who says, ''Hey, I'm here...and I'm going to let you be the person you are. I'm here to get to know you...all of you.''

 

I think it's what we all want...deep down. We just want to be the people we are...and have others accept us for that...love us even, foibles and all. And I think it begins with that willingness to relinquish control. It's an openness towards allowing imperfection in. It's a realization that no one can fit the ideal image...that the ideal is actually a delusion, rooted in our own neediness. Gotta embrace the darkness...the stuff that feels unsettling. The sticky bits that make a gooey mess of it all. At the end of the day...we're all just people. And we all want the same things

 

Hoping I can learn this one. Fairly sure it begins with a healthy relationship with my self. Facing the fears. The old patterns of stumbling...and sheltering. Looking at life as a bit of an adventure...instead of a puzzle to be solved, and then forgotten. There's always something sticky in the mix. For me, I need to continue working on letting those things be there...without them consuming my life. Little breaks for attuning. Coffee and a chat with a friend before getting to work. Heading out into the water for the morning, instead of ''being productive''. Saying NO sometimes...when it really needs to be said. Saying YES sometimes...when it really needs to be said. Inviting someone over for a drink...or a meal. Spontaneous gatherings. These things can happen...even when things aren't perfect. There's room for it all. The trick seems to be in allowing for a balance. Knowing there are things that are tough...but also knowing that they don't require constant attention. I imagine I would've had quite a different year had I been able to tap into that.

 

 

[90_hour_sleep]

The nature of if all...

 

I woke up today...and felt off. I didn't want to get out of bed. I did. And things just felt a bit colorless.

 

And then I went out. I stopped by somewhere to get some cash that was owed...and ended up having a coffee and a good long chat with a neighbor. Someone who is feeling a bit like a friend...or almost a friend. And then...on to the next to drop a few things off...and pick up some tools. Then off to a little job that I'd contemplated saying no to. Another half cup of coffee...and CAKE! A few minutes of work...and an hour of chat. Then on to the last job. Ended up working into the evening...skipping out on the Solstice beach parties. Oh well. Finished a job...made someone else happy. Some nice chats.

 

The way the days evolve sometimes mystifies me. There's so much in the energy...and how others can play such a pivotal role in shifting that energy...or at least creating a space for different energy. It's one of those things I've often dismissed in the past.

 

I hope my cat comes home tonight. I think he knows I'm leaving...

 

What a night. Stars. And the surf...is going off. Love it.

[90_hour_sleep]

happy new year, journal...

 

ignoring caps for this one. feeling lighter of late. also a feeling of regeneration. a break from all the 'doing'...the constant 'doing' of the year that was. breathe.

 

what's in a name? and meeting people of the same name. a lot of them. let's call them S's. i think if i ever have a daughter...i might just have to name her S. industrious...and free. tall. striking. strength of character. kindness. warmth. sincerity. and they're just fun too.

 

i appreciate people who like to go barefoot in the woods. and...tinkle in the woods. and...frolic in the woods. and...in the woods. ha.

 

just show up. i had a strange feeling about tomorrow. going to a course of sorts...and have this feeling that i might see someone there who won't be all that happy to see me. and rightly so. i was a bit of a chump with said person...and could've handled a particular situation much better. i was thinking, ''well maybe if i change how i look at this, it could be an opportunity to make amends for something that i feel guilty about.'' so...maybe that's what it is. ooh...it's kinda heavy actually...when i think about it. i think i'm worried about how i was perceived. not so much how i acted.

 

10 more days...

[90_hour_sleep]

Hello Journal

 

Life is a funny beast sometimes. It's interesting how it ebbs and flows and moves to different rhythms at different times. And how there always seems to be something new. On the surface, it can often feel like it's all the same...a repetition of patterns and events and subtle energies; but, upon further investigation -- which is sometimes nothing more than remaining open -- there's newness...a fresh quality that is really difficult to pin down and quantify.

 

I like to relate with this...to smile with the new connections. It reminds me of the nature of change. Could be the most important focus for me right now...investing in the right connections. Sometimes I feel that when I extend myself too much...when I invest too heavily in too many connections...I become less personable. The last year has opened me a bit to this. At times, I've really wished for more...but I've come to realize that when I'm content with the connections I have, they seem to flow and grow in ways that are nurturing for all involved. Less really is more for me in terms of numbers. I don't think I knew this before. I used to look around at those who seemed to connect with anyone and everyone, and I'd wonder what was wrong with me. Why is it so difficult? But it's not difficult really. I just lack the resources to maintain relationships in any sort of quantity. Limited resources. The well only holds so much water.

 

I also wonder how it all ties together sometimes...the past, present, and future. Modern alternative culture is obsessed with ''presence''...sometimes, it seems, to the exclusion of all else.

 

Things have a funny way of coming around again.

[itsallgrand]

Just listening along ....it really seems to me you are learning a lot about yourself at an accelerated pace lately. And I'm really happy for you about that.

[90_hour_sleep]

Just listening along ....it really seems to me you are learning a lot about yourself at an accelerated pace lately. And I'm really happy for you about that.

 

Oh...just plodding along, really. Comes and goes in waves, I think. Lately things are feeling pretty okay. Tomorrow begins a new transition though...and I'm feeling pretty uncertain about it. I'm leaving a place that feels like home...to return to a place that felt like home. I'm more than a bit confused about the way I'm feeling. I've got a few knots about my old friend 'L'. Part of me just wants to avoid it (her) altogether. A bit troubled by the prospect of contact. I think I'd actually be better off without it.

 

Maybe this little move will accelerate some growth. Just a never-ending journey, IAG. Maybe it's possible to make peace with that. You think?

[itsallgrand]

You are going back to the ocean? Hmm, makes total sense that you're feeling a bit uneasy and confused about going back to a place that holds so much feeling and memories. I wish you tonnes of luck today!!! You know what? The anticipation, I'm finding, is usually worse than once you are there and facing it. But yeah, I very much understand how unnerving it can be.

 

Just a never-ending journey, IAG. Maybe it's possible to make peace with that. You think?

 

I do think that lol I think it's possible to make peace with it, yeah, and we have both come a long way to that, IMO. But like you said, it's never ending, it's life long. Maybe we just get better at navigating it.

 

I have this feeling once you get there you'll look around, take some deep breaths, and then be like "You know what, I'm cool, it's cool." And you'll handle it - what it may turn out to be.

[90_hour_sleep]

Thanks IAG. Reading that...I'm feeling a bit emotional all of a sudden. I think you're probably right...and I'm glad you're here to reflect on it.

 

Lol @ anticipation. It's a 3-day journey...capped off with an 8-hour ferry. Hours of solitude to sit with.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs 90! How good to read from your journal again! I hope things go well for you back at your old place - and think it's likely that it will.

[tiredofvampires]

I love long ferry rides! So much time to reflect, meditate, and commune with all that's passing by...anicca.

[90_hour_sleep]

Hugs 90! How good to read from your journal again! I hope things go well for you back at your old place - and think it's likely that it will.

 

Hi Silver,

 

Thanks for stopping in. Little strange to be back. Very welcoming...but also just a uncertain energetic feeling. I've got some settling to do...but may be leaving again in a few weeks for an undetermined period of time. This place has a way of keeping me on my toes. Things come and go with uncanny rapidity. Endings and beginnings. It's probably a really good place for me to be at this point in my life.

 

I'm out of the ENA loop...how's life on your end?

 

I love long ferry rides! So much time to reflect, meditate, and commune with all that's passing by...anicca.

 

Anicca...ya. See above for that. It feels accelerated...very palpable. Even the things that always feel ''solid'' in other places...not the case here.

 

The ferry was great. I had this idea that I'd just sneak back...and blend...and then disappear again. Pretty foolish really. Took all of 2 minutes on the boat for someone to spot me...and 10 minutes on dry land before I had an invite for dinner. Something to be grateful for. Generosity is a way of life here.

 

Good reminders...

[90_hour_sleep]

"Welcome back!" Someone says. "How're you doing?"

 

"Oh, I'm in limbo," I reply.

 

"Limbo!! I LOVE limbo! I wish could spend more time in limbo. Seems I leave it behind, and then I go searching for it, like I need it in my life."

 

 

Gotta love fresh perspective. Limbo has been feeling heavy, heavy, heavy the last few days. My place needs work. My work work is nowhere near being ready...so will probably not happen now (not a problem for me, but it means leaving people hanging while I'm away again). And then there's the isolation. The alone time. I forgot a bit what it feels like to be in that place. Physical aloneness...and how it really carries its own unique energy. I think it has something to do with the separation from the bigger world. I mean, in some ways, this place IS the bigger world. Nature is close...close enough to permeate every day of life without consciously making the effort to do so. It's close enough to kill you if you're not careful. But...it's very cut off from the modern world. There's no buzz here. People quietly go about their business. Lots of problems...but they seem to be more acknowledged for some reason.

 

Spontaneous encounter with 'L' a couple of days ago. Not sure anything could've prepared me. She's very angry still. Angry with me. Resentful that I left. Resentful that I couldn't be her friend in the aftermath of breaking up. Resentful that after she left, I started engaging with the world again. I can certainly see her perspective. I'd be resentful too under the circumstances. Frustrating to watch someone you love cutting himself off...trying to pull him back into the world...yearning for that social companion. And then, only after you pull the plug and walk away does he decide to venture out. Kind of a d**k move, right?

 

I feel so sad about it though. Raw sadness. I don't think it's motivated by anything other than empathy...which is bizarre to me. Kind of a new experience. I'm feeling so tender about it. Space was really good for me. And, while I still feel a tremendous draw to her as a person, it's lost that sense of desperation. Does that mean I've reclaimed something within myself? I've lost the little shreds of negativity that were surrounding her...and now I'm just left with what I think might be objectivity...and just a wholesome, human...love, maybe? That open receptivity to another...as she is. Acceptance. If I were her, I'd feel so frustrated by this...I think I'd probably want to strangle me. A slap in the face.

 

We sat by the fire, drank tea, and chatted. She misses my cats she says. The little guy snuggled with her by the fire. We talked. It was less angry by the fire. I wonder if she'll ever let go of the resentment.

 

Question:

 

How can you have friendship with someone who resents you?

 

I've been thinking a lot about the nature of a friendship between us. ENA conditioning says this:

 

''She'll just use you while she moves on.'' It happens, I know...but I don't feel threatened by that idea. What would she use me for? Emotional support? Ha! That would be ironic. There's no foundation for that to happen right now while she resents me. She has a new boyfriend she says...so I suppose it's possible that I could be some sort of crutch. Such an ugly way to look at it though. It's something that has NEVER served me. I've used this logic before in the past, and it felt so completely contrary to everything inside of me. Just a yucky feeling. Don't think it's a tactic I'm eager to employ again.

 

When I left in December, I had some loose thoughts that perhaps the time apart would allow us both to do some personal healing. We'd let go of our angers, our hurts, our resentments. And then we'd see about a friendship. Do we actually get along? Do we enjoy each other's company? Do we have fun together? Do we respect each other?

 

We didn't have a friendship before we got together...so, some more of the ENA conditioning is saying, "Why be friends at all? What's the point?" Ugh. That one feels yucky too. I can appreciate the logic, but it's still gross. People who you connect with are hard to come by in this world. People who feel easy to interact with. Comfort, warmth, intimacy. So, to me it actually makes sense to be a friend; although, not as things stand right now.

 

Another thing I've been thinking about:

 

L and I have seen the absolute worst in each other. From my end, she's seen everything that I work hard to hide from the rest of the world. All those ugly little bits that I feel ashamed of...embarrassed of...afraid of. The stuff that's hard to see without a wonderful mirror. TOV, I have to return to your quote on soul mates:

 

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..." — Elizabeth Gilbert

 

Ya. I can't think of a better foundation for friendship. I really can't. We may not be able to live together, but perhaps we're good people to keep around in each other's lives. This sort of stirred something in me to do with intimacy. I often view intimacy as this idea that encompasses the more positive sides to relationships. Love, joy, compassion, empathy, etc etc. But what about the darkness? There is so much intimacy in the darkness...in the depths of despair...and struggle. The places that scare us? In some ways, it feels like a more intimate space, because no one else really gets to see it. Struggle is a good thing...so long as it doesn't become the primary state of being within a partnership.

 

So, who better to have a friendship with? Could be flawed perspective...but it's what I'm thinking about. Our time together the other night...it was actually quite nice. There's a lot of space for the good stuff, even with the healing that still needs to happen. That feeling of ''home'' with another person is not so common in my world that I'm eager to dismiss it just because we're no longer partners...because we have a history...because it was hard. I'm glad it was hard. "Break your heart open so some new light can get in...'' Ya. It was that. I do see a lot of potential because of that. The darkness we've seen...with the bits of tenderness scattered throughout our time together...our shared sense of purpose. We compliment each other. It's hard not to think about it

 

I'm aware that I still have feelings for L...but I'm not sure it's something I care to act on (even if she hadn't moved on to someone new). It's just a warmth. I'm trying my best to be objective with this...to realize the potential to get stuck in L limbo. I can't imagine spending time with her while she resents me though. How can that work?

 

My feelings:

 

I'm sad about how she's feeling. I thought we had an understanding before I left...that it was best for both of us if we made a clean break. I guess it wasn't an understanding though, because now she resents me for being gone. I'm really sad about that. Tender, like I said before. I like the idea of a friendship...but I don't know what it looks like. To me, friends are people I can be myself with. They're the people that inspire me to be open...and to share...and of course that can all be reciprocated. I can be objective with my true friends...honest. Even to the point where it might hurt a little. And because of that, we respect each other. We don't sugar-coat...or pull any punches. We tell it like it is...and we feel connected because of that. We share ideas, and values, and feel good about expanding our horizons. And we listen to each other. Is any of this stuff possible with resentment? What would the point be?

 

L is lonely. She told me as much. And I have been so intimate with that loneliness...so I can really feel where she's coming from. This is a lonely place...more lonely than most. People come and go with the wind. Authenticity if everywhere, but it's not like it is in a lot of other places. It won't come to you if you're not asking for it. And I think many of us are too proud to ask. We want to hide the darkness after all...to keep that image of ourselves intact. So painful.

 

Such a garbled collection of thoughts. Wow. Gotta let this stuff out. Any takers on objectivity??? Anything worthy of attention that I've blatantly ignored or neglected? I'm feeling receptive to the world at large right now. I don't know what's going to happen with any of this. I'd like for healing to happen...for me...for L...especially for L. She might find that pretentious of me to say just now...but it's what I hope for more than anything. I'm so weary of being a catalyst for her tears. I feel a little bit heartbroken every time she cries in my presence. It's even harder now, because I feel more humanity within myself that asks me to be comforting. A hug at the right moment. A squeeze of the shoulder. Just, something that says, ''I'm here, I care''. Those things were seldom present during our time together, and I'm ever conscious of that fact. Maybe best to leave them behind for now. There's a yearning to forge an understanding...and maybe develop a true friendship.

 

Maybe I'm crazy.

 

Thanks to anyone who navigated the ramblings.

 

Sincerely,

 

Sleepy-in-limbo

[90_hour_sleep]

Life...

 

Verbally acknowledging the little things that make me go, ''Ahhhhh.''

 

Sitting on the hill yesterday...and feeling the warmth of the sun. Instead of just swatting at the little bugs...actually taking a second to observe them on my skin. They were all different...and not irritants when I stopped to observe. The way the light played in the trees. A squirrel nibbled at a pine cone. A little flower. The smell of forest. The sound of surf.

 

I feel lonely...a lot. Maybe always. I think I've come to this place to work with that loneliness. To be with it. Life has brought me here for a reason. All the events in life...all the ideas of what constitutes a happy life...they're so flimsy. There's nothing solid in them. They don't create a sense of stability. So what's beneath it all? I think I've been moving away from my own discomfort. Even coming here originally, the hope was that I'd find stability in something that had been chronically unstable. It couldn't have strayed further from that original hope. And the more I continued to resist where it was going, the more it persisted in pulling me further down.

 

I am beginning to realize that everything I've done in life has been in an effort to move away from discomfort...from uneasiness...from this basic loneliness. I seek relationships, but I resist intimacy. I hold back. ''We don't experience the world fully unless we are willing to give everything away. It means not holding anything back, not preparing an escape route, not looking for alternatives, not thinking that there is ample time to do things later."

 

"I like what Al Turtle says about sharing EVERYTHING - the good and the bad, with your partner. At least one person knows you - frailties, imperfections and all... fearlessly sharing AND asking for what you need." Thanks M. This stuck today.

 

My ideas of relating with people are changing. Selfish pursuit of what I want has tended to be the impetus. I don't think it was necessarily conscious...but it's evident that this was the motive. So how does it feel now? I think it has to do with that shared experience. The good, the bad. EVERYTHING. How free it feels to be able to express where I'm actually at with something...anything. And to be a receptacle for someone else in that same capacity. It's started to happen for me with the people in my immediate vicinity. I share...they share. I've been much more open about my experience these past few months. Am I just tired of hiding behind the veil? I've had glimmers of what it feels like to just be me...who I am in this moment. I'm still in the realm of relative ease though. I don't expect that these interactions will always feel good. There will be times when it hurts...when it's difficult...when I desperately want to run. But I think I'm building greater awareness...and I've been integrating a meditation practice into my daily life. A time to sit with myself. There is so much time for that here...where I am both physically and spiritually. The more it becomes a part of my daily life, the more it will become a regular way of interacting with the world, and with the people I form connections with.

 

So much uncertainty. Trying my best to relax into that...to take things less seriously...to recognize the humanity in my discomfort over not knowing.

 

And the appreciation for the little things...the subtle joys of existence. It's a bit like gratitude I think. Recognizing all these little sensory wonders that have been categorically filed away as ''known''.

 

I'm interested again. A bit queasy. But feeling buoyant enough to maintain a focus in life.

[Cheetarah]

I remember reading in that book, "Eat Pray Love"(don't laugh at me), when she was meditating...And the mosquitoes were peeing or biting her, or whatever it is that those pesky things do. And she had such a hard time with resisting the urge to swat and such. She said that she used them, the irritation, as a form of meditation basically. She focused on the itchiness, the irritation. Until it all blended together, made her body vibrate. By the time she was done with her session, she had dozen upon dozens of bites.

 

I don't know if I'm recalling this correctly, if it was part of the book and that scene(or somewhere), or I just decided to make this connection myself, but as I was writing this out here, I thought of the saying

 

"Everything is temporary."

 

And when I read this yesterday, this entry of yours - I thought about that as I was gardening, tonight. I really needed to immerse myself in it, I really needed to just get out of the swirling thoughts in my head and get in the moment. I let mosquitoes bite me. I didn't swat them. Flies buzzed near my ear. I didn't shake my head. I just let them do their thing. A bumblebee was near one of my pots...Way too close for comfort, for me(I hate bees). But I watched it, instead of flying away like a fairy and screaming. Had a 'moment' with nature, right in my backyard.

 

What do I miss when I shake off these so called mundane things and irritations? When we are always trying to get to the next place, or think of the next thing to say, or what bill didn't I pay yet? Where are my shoes? Why are people so horrible sometimes? Why do monks become monks? What if I didn't care about any of that, just for 5 minutes? What if I just sat there and soaked in my surroundings?

 

And it's just mindfulness. It's not some new concept, it's been around for ages. The idea of just being with the present. It's talked about all the time and sold in many ways. We try it all different ways...Eating a dish, slowly. Savoring every bite. Laying in a dark room, listening to the outside sounds and tree branches creating shadows through the window. We buy all these books, MP3s, trying to find that one thing that works.

 

And it all feels so rehearsed, unnatural. You think it's just you...You've got to keep doing it. Eventually you'll achieve a zen state from eating string cheese? You hope, anyhow.

 

Then one day, you don't even really try or give it so much thought, so much focus...Like how focusing ruins your focus in a weird way. Focusing to focus, does it make any sense? And maybe you don't achieve a zen state, but you find out what mindfulness means. And how it feels. To you. It clicks, then.

[90_hour_sleep]

Thanks for this one, Cheet. Didn't stop to appreciate what you'd written...a MONTH ago now!

 

"Everything is temporary.'' Or, fleeting...transitory...ephemeral. Lots of words for it. Nothing is the same from one moment to the next. This one passes into the next one...and all those little sensations...or big sensations...they're never quite the same.

 

Someone was posting about pain today...and how we need to stand up for our right to feel our pain. I'm constantly reminding myself lately that I have to feel these things...right while they're there. Same goes for the pleasant stuff.

[90_hour_sleep]

^^I bet you sing beautifully!

 

Limitations. Self-imposed limitations. I'm this. I'm that. I'm not this. I'm not that. One for me: "I'm not a singer..."

 

Pfft. Whatever. I had a traveling companion last time I headed south. Youngish tree-planter. She was a great DJ. Left me with a heap of tunes when we parted ways...which I inadvertently deleted. What a bummer. She also inspired me in a few different ways (comes in the most unexpected ways sometimes. When I consider all the things that had to happen for us to share space for a couple days...it's AMAZING). One of those inspirations was to revisit the music. To sing. To actually sing! Actually, that's something else that has been slowly oozing into existence...this possibility that maybe I could sing songs. Ya. Why not? When did I decide and embrace the idea that I don't sing? It's bizarre...because I find it healing! I sing in the car a lot. I guess the kind of singing I'm talking about is the kind where I play a song, and sing along while I play. Nope. Can't do that. I hear the music, not the words. I sing the tune in my head...not the lyrics. A friend told me though that some of us are more 'singer', while others are more 'player'. That made a lot of sense. He said, whatever you're stronger at, that'll be the easy part, while the other will take some time to develop. Of course, that made a lot of sense too.

 

Fast forward to my traveling companion. She had a guitar. We stopped for the night, and crashed in my work trailer. But, before we crashed, we drank beer and ate pizza and I played her guitar. I started playing a song she knew...and before I knew it, I was teaching her how to play it. And then, there was a curiosity about the lyrics...and singing. She was a singer first...so the singing was easy for her. Actually, most women I know are like this. I know so many who can sing, and easily pick up a guitar and sing along to a few simple chords.

 

Anyway...over the course of our travels, I started creating my ''set list''. Decided that I was going to learn. So many songs I've sorted of half figured out how to play...but I've never bothered to finish them. Guitar shame right there. ''Finish your songs!'' It's good advice. Really good advice. Well, while I've been away working, it's been a great opportunity to learn. And I have! Three songs now. Complete. Two of them, I thought I'd NEVER learn to play and sing at the same time. They just seem too complicated musically. And the really cool part is that I enjoy the songs more now than I did before. No idea if I'm any good at singing...but I don't care. Over the course of the last few weeks, I've slowly migrated from the trailer. First in the doorway...and then out to one of the picnic tables. On my lunch breaks, I'd just sit outside and play...and sing! Ha. It's cool. So cool. When I was in the interior last month, I stopped in at an open mic. Never fails, I always get invited up to play something. It's like people can smell it in me...they can tell that some part of me is aching to participate...but too scared...and underprepared (ie. ''I don't sing''). I think I'm going to stop in there next time I'm down. Because, as I've been playing along this last little while, I've discovered an ease with just pushing through the mistakes. It's been a good lesson for me.

 

Self-imposed limitations. Leave the labels behind. They don't serve...ever. They just don't. Makes me consider some of the other ways that I've limited myself. What makes me anxious? Put it to the test. Life is swinging again. I'm easing out of another one of the relative low periods. Easing. I'm growing to appreciate the fluctuations. This journey is a trip. Such a trip. I'm glad I'm here.

 

I had a very peaceful hour today. It's worth documenting. No gut tension.