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You must be a very laid back person if this is the first time you have locked horns with a 'superior'.

 

Not to make light at all. I read this all with a lot of interest. I have this visual of you trying every thing you can think of to get along, to make it work, to find common ground and a point of respect as a baseline with this guy.

 

And I picture him as one of those types who is "do it my way, because I am the boss" and there are no restrictions on that at all. It's open ended. If the boss tells you to butter his balls, you do it. The type of boss unions were created for.

 

Whether that is accurate or not, I pictured that! And I worked for one rather recently. I discovered my limit. What is acceptable to me and not. What I work for, and what I am not working for.

 

So I do believe you will come out of it richer. And you will end up better in the long run for it. Clearer on what you are out to accomplish with work; in the bigger picture.

 

And, it will make you a better boss. Because you are already thoughtful and considerate towards others. This will bring another dimension to it.

 

hope it is ok for me to comment. Not sure if I fall in 'good people listening'...but I'm people!

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it's cool IAG...you just happen to be on my list of good peeps.

 

i kind of giggled when i read, ''If the boss tells you to butter his balls...''

 

this guy isn't even technically my boss. i'm employed by a company who is working for the company he is employed by (the grey-ness of it all just makes it that much more confusing). my boss was great about the whole thing. he's never even met me...but i couldn't have asked for a better source of support. so skilled was he that i actually agreed to go back to the job i walked away from...although, against my better judgement.

 

who knows...i'd like to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. maybe he was having a rough day. maybe he had a rough up-bringing. maybe i just happened to push the right buttons. that being said...an a$$hole who is having a bad day is still an a$$hole...right? i'll never understand the power-trip. the nature of working with people is to actually work with them. i don't pretend to be the greatest people person. but...i'm pretty good with basic respect.

 

i dunno. i feel strange about the whole encounter. i can only recall one or two other situations where i felt something similar. looking back...that was a bit of a learning experience. and mistakes were definitely made on my end. still, i was definitely disrespected then...and even now i don't find i'm capable of respecting someone whose default is disrespect. the whole idea of earning respect no longer makes sense to me. i understand the concept...but in practice, i'd rather just give my respect to someone. in my experience...people just respond better when you give them that. maybe i'm nuts...or just plain naive.

 

Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt. i suppose, from the the vantage of the big picture...i did try to make it work. it was doomed before it started though. and on this particular day, i had no interest in being patient...or understanding. i guess that's the limit, isn't it.

 

thanks for chiming in...and validating me. i'm notorious for beating myself up about things. sometimes i forget to relax and be human. i appreciate the reminder that it's okay.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi 90, how are you doing? I just reread the bit about your walking off the job. I know it's been awhile, but sometimes walking away is the smartest move all around. Let's you both cool off, or at least avoids further escalation.

 

ground.

 

earth.

 

take a step back and look at things objectively.

 

 

 

you do the best you can. and that's all you do.

 

peace.

 

These words from your last post make a good mantra. Or even just "Ground. Earth." Grounding words.

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Hey JN,

 

thanks for checking in. how have you been doing?

 

i think walking away was the only option, honestly. and...the situation seems to have moved along without too much drama. things have been smoothed over to such an extent that a minimal working relationship can be maintained for the time being. and that's fine. i'm not too keen on the particular job, but it's such a small part of my work load at the moment that i can live with it. the whole situation has really reminded me that the ''higher'' one goes in the working world (as in...more and bigger and less personal), the more he encounters unsatisfactory conduct. at least, that's been my experience. i'm happy to remain on a ''lower'' level if that's the way things work.

 

as for the words...

 

my girlfriend and i have this deck of cards. they're called ''faery cards''. it's a bit like tarot i suppose. each card carries a certain meaning...and can be linked with other cards to emphasize something (very open-ended and ultimately up to the person what he/she decides to take away from it). it's just a 'for fun' thing to draw a few cards. offers something to reflect and/or focus on.

 

anyway...

 

my girlfriend has gone home for the holidays...so i'm on my own for a couple of weeks until i head away to see my family. and last night, as i was crawling into bed, i found one of the faery cards buried in the sheets. kinda strange. girlfriend claims she didn't put it there. oddly enough, the card in question was all about ''grounding'' and ''earthing'' (a unique card in the deck in how it delivers its message). i guess you can always choose to see what you want to see...but for whatever reason it was just the perfect message for me last night. i've been feeling pretty overwhelmed with my current situation. everything's a bit topsy-turvy. i don't really know where i stand with anything. i have so many impersonal interactions on a daily basis that i'm a bit unsure about expectations. it's been tough.

 

grounding...earthing...

 

good reminders. pay attention to where i am. focus on the things that are here...and real. it makes a difference. i noticed my interactions today were much more positive. amazing how a subtle shift can produce such radically different feelings.

 

Ffaff

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sometimes i forget. forget that i have an impact on those around me. that the actions and reactions have a ripple effect on my surroundings. i'm a part of something. something bigger. and that is the unavoidable reality of this world. it is purpose. and reason. and meaning. and substance. and at the end of the day, it's all that really matters.

 

i feel tender. and as a striking contrast to the emotions of the last few months, this time it's not a self-centered tenderness.

 

i also don't have the words.

 

to be continued.

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  • 2 months later...

Well...hard to believe when I really think about it. It's been three years since I was a smoker. 1097 days...$13,000+...and some 10 months of life saved -- although that number is deceiving...because I feel as though I've gained so much more. I cannot emphasize enough how much better everything is. It's like I stepped out of a figurative (and literal) fog. There's a brightness about things when they're not soured by a sense of unconscious desire.

 

It just blows me away. I think I'm more in awe of how 'time' just sort of marches on. I remember feeling stressed about how stuck I was as a smoker. So paralyzed...powerless. I was one of those true slaves to the addiction.

That was the worst of it for me...feeling so tied to something that made me miserable. And now...it's just not a part of my life.

 

There's a theme I keep coming back to: Things don't stay the same. If it's hard now...that doesn't implicitly mean that it will be hard later. There's always room for growth...and change. None of us ever knows what is going to happen tomorrow. That's the beauty...the true beauty in this world. It makes me smile.

 

The little oscillations will always be there. Some days will bring struggles and uncertainties. And that's okay. There's a way to roll with the punches that doesn't involve being burdened with an unconscious need to fill a void -- to get that fix for what's missing...that craving. And really...this applies to life in general. Perhaps it's what opened the door to addiction in the first place. It's the same way of thinking -- in terms of lack...scarcity.

 

It's all about restructuring the thoughts. There's a way to look at smoking that doesn't lead to longing for what's missing. It's a clear vision. Truth. There's nothing missing. Continued reinforcement of that new way of thinking. In the end...that's what changed everything for me. Even now...I don't see it the way I once did. There's no longing. In fact...three years ago today was the last time I missed smoking. It changed that fast.

 

It makes me happy to chronicle this journey here. I'm happy to be a young, vibrant non-smoker. There's a sense of genuine joy.

 

Thanks for listening...and may you find your own way on this path.

 

 

 

Cheers,

 

D

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I'm happy for you, D. You sound so well.

 

And on the topic of smoking: I quit around the same time you did. It is one thing that did truly mark a turning point in my life. I think you will understand when I say, for myself, it was a time when I truly finally started taking full responsibility for my life.

 

Thank you for sharing your journey here and your thoughts.

 

It's so nice to hear how great you are doing. And the reminders you kicked off for me are much appreciated.

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  • 3 weeks later...
I'm happy for you, D. You sound so well.

 

And on the topic of smoking: I quit around the same time you did. It is one thing that did truly mark a turning point in my life. I think you will understand when I say, for myself, it was a time when I truly finally started taking full responsibility for my life.

 

Thank you for sharing your journey here and your thoughts.

 

It's so nice to hear how great you are doing. And the reminders you kicked off for me are much appreciated.

 

Full responsibility. You said it.

 

I think I found a bit of the determination and discipline I used to have too. Somewhere in my 20s I lost those things. I don't know why everyone says the 20s are so great. Personally, I wasted a lot of time doing senseless things and poisoning my body. There is nothing great in that. Granted...I learned a few things along the way as well! I'm sure it was a necessary part of my evolution!!

 

I also love the reminders when they come. So...happy to share that experience with you. The smoking thing is especially hard for me to share with most people...so it's nice to have an outlet here.

 

Hope you're well, IAG. Thanks for reading.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I’m not sure exactly how I feel anymore. But here goes...

 

I feel tired a lot. Emotionally tired. Just sort of dried up. I feel there’s a vat of resentment stewing inside of me. It’s the little things...and the not-so-little things. It’s old emotional baggage...and the new luggage that is strangely reminiscent of the old...mixing together and bubbling. It’s not always “hot”...but it seems to be on a steady simmer. It’s the stupid stuff...the little squabbles...the un-remedied complaints...the criticisms. It’s a lack of general intimacy. Absent trust. An impotent sex life. It’s your reactions...your coping mechanisms...your habituated patterns. It’s my response to those things. My interaction with you on that level that leaves me feeling defeated. I hate what this does to me...or stirs in me. Or rather, I hate what I bring to the table in response to the things that bother me. I’m left feeling myself, like an impotent stranger. I’m left wondering if I really don’t care anymore, or if I’m just tired of coming face-to-face with what I like least about myself. In those moments...all I really want is to walk away. I want solitude. There’s a part of me that wants to hurt you for being there for it. Maybe it’s my own shame that makes me turn away from you...and myself. It could be that in those moments I see you as the cause of something greater.

 

I don’t feel like I have fun in this relationship. There is too much underlying ‘trash’ that’s left things all stopped up. There’s no flow. And beneath it all...there’s a desire that just isn’t there. I don’t find I want to try anymore. I feel so disconnected...detached. I don’t feel any sort of intimate connection. I don’t feel closeness. I don’t feel trust, or comfort, or safety. I wonder if these feelings are just buried under a mountain of negativity. They might be. Philosophically, I believe that love is our birthright. It is why we are here. It is the most natural of all expressions. Love is always present. A radiant force that binds us all. Where is it then? Obscured? I know it’s there somewhere. This is not a question of love at all.

 

I resent when you say you love me. It reminds me how detached I feel from something so innately human. I resent that you say it...because I don’t trust it. I’ve convinced myself that you’re so desperate to love and be loved that you're clinging to something that seems so clearly toxic to me. Essentially...I resent myself when you say it to me. I don’t receive it. I don’t feel anything other than a budding anxiety. Whew. My baggage. That’s it...there. All raw and festering. That poor, tender, unlovable heart that probably wants nothing more than to love...and be loved. Ironic. *Sigh. Little smirk and a shake of the head*.

 

Now I’m left wondering. On the surface, I think there are incompatibilities. But it’s completely within the realm of conceivability that I’ve conjured these incompatibilities. Intuition. Maybe I’ve forsaken that aspect of my being...or maybe it has forsaken me. That’s overly-dramatic (but I do wonder). But then again...maybe my gut was right all along. Maybe this over-the-top account on the current state of affairs is really nothing more than a momentous pile of excrement. Can I really live with what my gut has always said ‘no’ to?

 

On a side note...today I am very much grateful for the ocean...my furry friends...game of thrones...and a warm fire. Sometimes life is a struggle (although you wouldn't know it with all that I'm surrounded by and grateful for just now)...and that's okay with me. In fact, most of what I've written feels fairly unimportant now that I think about it.

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On a side note...today I am very much grateful for the ocean...my furry friends...game of thrones...and a warm fire.

That sounds pretty much perfect.

Sometimes life is a struggle (although you wouldn't know it with all that I'm surrounded by and grateful for just now)...and that's okay with me. In fact, most of what I've written feels fairly unimportant now that I think about it.

 

 

I'm sure you'll figure out all the rest in good time.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

i miss ignoring punctuation...and 'proper' grammar.

 

i also miss having fun. like...really having fun. when did i become such a tightwad? and a judgemental tightwad at that. the absence of fun is definitely linked with this. it's hard to have fun when lacking some of the basic ingredients. i mean, it's fun to share joyous things with other people. but, when you're too busy running judgemental dialogue on the back-burner, it's hard to do much sharing. it's damn near impossible to discover intimacy...the connection that occurs when you're able to be transparent and open with another human being. kinda makes me wonder what happened...like really wonder. going back...what happened to nail the door shut?

 

i was on that self-healing wagon-ride a couple years back. i devoured the books...devoured them! and things felt good...really good. it felt a bit like some transcendence...like a shedding of the old skin...a rebirth. somewhere along the line i've slipped back into these old habits though. the self-awareness isn't so evident of late. i guess you could call it a spiritual low. or...maybe just a nondescript low. a low. just a low. sorta in denial about it though. still feel a twinge of shame at feeling low. for the most part i'm truly okay with it. but, i'm still at odds with the rest of the world knowing about it...and knowing that i'm actually okay with it. i still don't want people to know my inner workings. even the people closest to me...i'd rather have some secrets. i don't want to be transparent. it doesn't translate to comfort for me. something in me knows that it's foolish to think that way. it's not foolish to feel it...but it is foolish to trust in it...to invest any of my being in it.

 

even now, i think i'm spinning a tale. i'm evading the truth of what i want to say. even in a place where i'm anonymous, i'd prefer to just be a shadow.

 

so...no real surprise that the one thing i feel i'm lacking in this world is connection...genuine connection. intimate connection. i touched it for awhile. a brief period where i felt an authentic connection to the world at large. i could actually feel the heavy hearts of those around me...and feel the tender hearts of those brave enough to share them with me.

 

my glass has been half empty for a long while. i choose to see the worst in things...often. when other people do it, it's so obvious. when i do it...i've got the blinders.

 

it's got to be back to awareness. i want to smile back at the world again...and feel it smiling at me. i'd like to experience what it's like to be self-aware...and self-activated...and all those other ''selfs'' unified into one self that isn't self-conscious. you know what i really want is to DANCE. it's in my bones. music makes me want to jump out of my skin sometimes. but i never dance. it's a shame really. there are any number of excusatory explanations. none of them hold any water. maybe there just hasn't been any space for it. there's too much else taking up priority points. mostly just a lot of noise. static. distortion. fog.

 

space.

 

space.

 

space.

 

took a few kids to remind me. thanks guys.

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  • 4 weeks later...

1234...

 

that's a few days.

 

someone stole my sandals yesterday. i did leave them in the sand by a log for 4 hours...but still. i forgot how much i hate putting shoes on!

 

happy BC day (in advance). been thinking a lot lately about northern gateway...and what it could (and probably would, eventually) do to this place. it's such a fragile economy...and ecology. the two are pretty much synonymous in this region of the planet. 1800 jobs. that's such a tiny number. insignificant. i mean...the tar sands are already the shame of Canada in my opinion. truly disgusting. what can a pipeline and proposed shipping corridor through the world's 4th most treacherous body of water possibly accomplish...other than destruction. it would destroy everything of value here. it would, in fact, constitute a genocide of the population. take away a person's livelihood, as well as, his ability to provide through nature's resources, and you do in fact murder him. it's murder.

 

this place is a refuge. one of the few places on this planet where you can still find solitude in the trees. where ''nature'' still means something raw and untamed. where a person can re-connect with that aspect of being that is slowly fading.

 

it's pretty sad really. i don't often feel compelled to 'fight' for something...but i find that i'm so sad about the prospect that i feel moved to be a participant.

 

i'm struggling to understand how as a species we continue to devalue the things that are paramount to our existence. how we continue to take - in perpetuity - without a conscience. we're going around in circles. such a broken economy. it makes NO sense. hellbent on a notion of progress that is blind to all but the financial component of what it actually means to progress. Progress is all about moving forward positively. It's somewhat subjective. But anyone who values LIFE cannot possibly view its systematic destruction as anything resembling positivity. it's not 'progress' what we're experiencing here.

 

i know the Earth will recover. and...on a larger scale...i'm sure where exactly where we should be at this moment in time. it's still unsettling.

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i'm struggling to understand how as a species we continue to devalue the things that are paramount to our existence. how we continue to take - in perpetuity - without a conscience. we're going around in circles. such a broken economy. it makes NO sense. hellbent on a notion of progress that is blind to all but the financial component of what it actually means to progress. Progress is all about moving forward positively. It's somewhat subjective. But anyone who values LIFE cannot possibly view its systematic destruction as anything resembling positivity. it's not 'progress' what we're experiencing here.

 

I totally agree with you. I meet people today in 2014 that still deny global warming, still don't recycle and lead a wasteful life. They seem to think it's separate to them..the ecosystem. The planet is our home even more than a house is. Yet individuals and mostly corporations continue to disrespect it and abuse it for their own benefit. I am astounded as to how much is sacrificed at the altar of profit. One day there will be no planet and people will think it is 'unfair'.

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I totally agree with you. I meet people today in 2014 that still deny global warming, still don't recycle and lead a wasteful life. They seem to think it's separate to them..the ecosystem. The planet is our home even more than a house is. Yet individuals and mostly corporations continue to disrespect it and abuse it for their own benefit. I am astounded as to how much is sacrificed at the altar of profit. One day there will be no planet and people will think it is 'unfair'.

 

makes my heart hurt, quirky. i can't imagine not having the freedom to explore nature without the scars of human unconsciousness. along with community, it's the most powerful healing force we have to work with.

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  • 5 weeks later...

oh the ravens. today i'm in love with the ravens. i think...of all the birds...i'd choose to come back as a raven. beginning to understand why the natives here view them with such reverence. raven...the trickster.

 

standing on top of the world...watching the ravens ascend from the mist...hover for a moment at the apex...and then let the currents pull them away into the nothingness. it was cold up there today...but watching the ravens play seemed to take the edge off. they do this thing while they're flying. it's like a wing curl/body roll that happens just before they ''brrrruulq'' -- the raven sounds. not sure my phonetics do them justice. such clever birds. there's a sort of rhythm to the flight and the communication. very cool. they never seem to forget to play...just for the sake of playing it would seem.

 

JN...if you're out there...i'll steal a page from your book now...

 

1. the ravens.

2. the ability to feel different sensations. pain/pleasure...hot/cold...joy/fear...and all the rest...

3. another opportunity to discover what love is all about.

4. music.

5. the ocean...and it's endless dance with the moon.

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  • 2 weeks later...

i'm sad. really sad. amazing to me that i could've forgotten this feeling. this emptiness. this feeling of hollow uncertainty. i think i need to cry again. it's been ages since anything real evoked that kind of emotion in me. probably...5 years. i remember that feeling. how it felt to release. i'm pretty sure i need that right now. but for whatever reason...it doesn't come easily. i don't know why. maybe it's a conditioned response that i've developed and nurtured over the years. remain stoic at all costs. again, in those moments of truth, i froze up...unable to communicate the depth of my emotional being.

 

i wonder if that's what i'm saddest about.

 

it could be that i'm just a bit sad to be right here again. literally...here. this place. typing away. feeling a bit lost. a bit confused. a bit depleted and anxious. and empty. so empty. like there just wasn't anything to give to the situation that could've helped it along to some form of resolution. is that a reflection of where i'm at? does it show that i'm not a fulfilled individual in my own right. was i seeking...grasping...searching for something outside of myself to fill up that empty space inside.

 

i have noticed that i invest heavily...in my own way. it's not particularly healthy how i do it. i become a bit of relationship hermit. retreating into the relative comfort of the one i'm with. i've stagnated like this before. it was much more painful the last time it happened. but i still feel it this time around. suffocating. i wonder if my past learning will be helpful in the days...weeks...months to come. i think it will. i've been humbled here...but i know that this is where growth happens. i'm reminded of paulo coelho's words on the endings:

 

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

 

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

 

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

 

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister. Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

 

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

 

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

 

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.

Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

 

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

 

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

 

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

 

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

 

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

 

thanks Paulo.

 

things i liked:

 

-the berries, surfing, the creek...and the creek house, lot #2, yakoun, pop corn, ''naikoooooon'', no agenda, wednesday @ the wharf, summer swims, knots, the best hugs, food, cat snuggling, beach wanderings, the little adventures. i really liked those. even the talking. sometimes it did work. sometimes there was understanding. and resolution.

 

a bit disappointed that some of the plans fell through. why was it so hard...

 

and through this...i'm reminded that we all have our struggles. and the degree to which we feel those struggles is a reflection of where we're at. i met a man today who has surely lived four lives. heroin addiction. serious illness. the loss of loved ones. the loss of friends. childhood trauma. more illness. we're resilient creatures.

 

there is definitely the need for some reflection. i don't think this moment is the right moment. but it needs to happen. i ignored my intuition on this one. didn't trust it. stumbled along with something difficult and emotionally debilitating for too long. and yet...here i am feeling the pangs of attachment...and the inevitable detachment that i'm now faced with. it stings. and the truth of it is...i feel that it's going to happen again next time. there's something crucial here that i need to learn. the communication process. why is it so difficult to share the things that hurt.

 

patience. courage. self love. gentleness.

 

i'm sorry that it didn't work out. i'm sorry that you're hurting also. i'm sorry i lost myself along the way. i'm sorry that i was so enveloped in my own emotional response that i couldn't come to understand you better. i would've liked that.

 

sigh...

 

i'm grateful for the sadness...for this aspect of the human experience. for growth. and discomfort. and the muddy waters of emotional development. i'm grateful that we shared some time on this path.

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I'm sorry, 90.

I relate to what are you saying about an emotional block that can make it difficult to let down the defenses and simply grieve. Or even feel and express, sometimes.

That had been my experience for so many years. My grandmother called it a block of the heart. There is something bitter sweet that it took to the time of her passing, for me to let the last of that go. It can be shocking how intense sadness can be when you simply are feeling it.

But this isn't about me - only trying to say that it is DEFINITELY something that can be let go. And I know you will get there.

The fact that you are conscious about all that has taken place emotionally for you, it really touched me to read all that.

 

take care.

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