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what would the unexpected be...if it weren't so unexpected.

 

choices. always choices. and a right choice can sometimes be the wrong choice for other reasons. perhaps a consequence of following one's heart is that you can't please everyone else at the same time. can i consider and care for others...without imposing limitations on my own being? i can't control the outcomes...or how others think or feel or relate in this world. and even if i take everyone else into consideration...every thought...every emotion...still there will be those who feel wounded...or slighted.

 

sigh. it's hard...this thing called life. so bittersweet at times.

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ha...i read this in my head with a dry note of sarcasm...like if i had a shrink, he might say this to me to get me to question why i'm even thinking about it to begin with.

 

are you into psychology, silver?

 

you might be right. she might like me. she doesn't dislike me...that much is obvious. but nothing else is obvious. i think she's a bit like i am with new people...a little guarded...and a little reluctant to be the vulnerable one.

 

she's also got a somewhat complicated life...and part of that complication is quite possibly beyond her control. it's a brain thing.

 

Hi 90, well my thoughts were based more on myself - I would only do something like that for a man I really liked, and she went to all the trouble to mail them as well!

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

^^

 

i miss this place sometimes...the purge space. and those who've contributed. it's nice to see your name...and your avatar. ha. so strange in some ways...but comforting nonetheless.

 

love. yep. it's here. i can only recall feeling this deeply one other time in my life. not sure what that means. not sure i care to know what it means. ha! it feels good...and that's all that really matters at the moment. entertaining and accepting fully something that feels good. it came at a cost...but i think sometimes that's just how life goes. choices. consequences. life's risky sometimes. just gotta go for it when it feels right.

 

i find myself entertaining things i haven't really considered for a long, long time. wondering what it'd be like to have a family...or just be a father.

 

so unexpected...all of it.

 

glad you said hello, IAG. think of you from time to time. on your own path. will have to snoop your journal again one of these days...

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  • 2 weeks later...

[video=youtube;JnLULIGekIA]

 

JonasWaingaro...where are you? does anyone remember Jonas?

 

day...hmm...i dunno what day it is. it might be a thursday on this little patch of earth. the numbers don't much matter anymore.

 

dallas green. such a sweet voice. how can such a sweet voice be full of so much sadness. and yet so soothing. i find solace in that voice...in the simple melodies...the under-production (this...especially this). stripped...raw. like the emotion. just...feeling.

 

learned something very recently. or rather...felt something...and through that feeling, discovered something about the human spirit. how it feels be overflowing with emotion. to have it spilling over. impossible to contain...dam...or well up inside. it can't be buried...or hidden...distorted.

 

i've loved. this past two years...i have loved (past tense of the verb ''to love'') and i've let go of that love...and watched others let it go. i've been loved. and watched those that loved me...in the act of loving. i've been there for it. i've felt it. so much that goes with it...but for now...just these words. nothing quite describes the truth. ''i'm a very lucky boy...''

 

i cried a bit this morning...as i drove away from another sweet goodbye (here...always...it seems love abounds...and so often i find myself driving away from it). so much potential for sadness in these moments. the uncertainty. the complete lack of control. wondering if it's right. if there's something that's been left unsaid. unsure of anything really...other than the immediacy of the moment. i fell in love...again. the third time in two years. familiar. and yet, distinct. this one is different...perhaps because i feel different within my own heart. this is the lesson. feeling. feeling big. against the odds. against the unknown. but perhaps that means a complete willingness to surrender to the unknown. feel it. feel big. love big. open fully. my little heart. ha...makes me think of the grinch...when his heart grew. like a million butterflies...exploding in the heart. pushing. opening. expanding. splitting it open and letting the moments in. they weren't tears of sadness this morning, or longing -- wanting. humbled by gratitude. by the immensity of the emotional spectrum. of our ability to feel. overwhelmed with it, really. happy tears. happy to feel it. to be capable of that. willing.

 

whew. and now...

 

on the cusp of another transition. i find myself wondering what's next.

 

stay with the breath. the moments pass so quickly. savour the sweetness while you can. pay attention. years can slip by so quickly if we can't stop and be here for what's happening. there's urgency in that. it's only now. always now.

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  • 3 weeks later...

people come back sometimes...and it's a bit surprising.

 

jealousy is a funny creature.

 

bottom line...all the other people...are just people. i'm a person...you're a person...she's a person...he's a person. we're all just people on this path...doing the best we can. even those we've felt wounded by in the past...they're just living the best way they know how. interesting always...to see things from a distance. to feel a different perspective. it's good to feel the humanity. and let go of old energies...to really feel that. to embrace endings. and new beginnings. to see those from our past as human...and integral to our experience in this life.

 

thank you.

 

let it go...

 

breathe...

 

start again...

 

i feel good.

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Why would you want to be friends with your ex when you've got yourself a harem right here?

 

This made me laugh a few years back when I first read it. Feeling gratitude today for you TT, and also for Journeynow and 90_hour_sleep. All of your wisdom and sharing of personal experience helped move me forward. I see the world and my place in it from a far different perspective now, than I did in 2009. Much love to the three of you.

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This made me laugh a few years back when I first read it. Feeling gratitude today for you TT, and also for Journeynow and 90_hour_sleep. All of your wisdom and sharing of personal experience helped move me forward. I see the world and my place in it from a far different perspective now, than I did in 2009. Much love to the three of you.

 

quite the harem. TT...always had a sense of humour...even through the entire sh** show that made up his relationship woes. i wonder how he'd feel if he went back through all of this. sometimes the things we get hung up on seem so trivial...comical even.

 

that's a part of the perspective though, isn't it...

 

right there with you on that one. new perspectives. gratitude. seeing the world and this life in such a different light. everything feels lighter somehow.

 

so here is a little hint of the story

 

reading back a bit...i think i might've painted the wrong picture. there's some of the story...but it's probably not what it sounds like. the one from the past...who came back...she's really just on the periphery. she's not back in my life. good for both of us to leave that one in the past...

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  • 2 weeks later...

sometimes...i expect a lot from other people.

 

and...i crave control. not so much in certain aspects of life...like the more personal side of my current place in this world...i don't feel it all that much. my work life seems to be a different story. maybe i need an outlet for that...a step up. i know i'd be good at it. i'm ridiculously organized...and have this knack for sniffing out important details. and...i think in recent years i've developed the prerequisite patience necessary to guide and lead (that's a funny word).

 

who knows. i also have little desire to climb the ladder. i've never seen anyone do it successfully...whereby he/she maintains a life outside of the work model. i function so well when i can shut off when i'm not working. not shut off to life...but just to the work life. it stops being important when i walk away from a job.

 

i prefer more. and part of me is wary of sinking into the oblivion of workaholism. gah. modern culture's most accepted addiction. as destructive as so many others...but for whatever reason, not recognized for what it is. instead...we're actually encouraged.

 

my neighbour is snoring like no one's business.

 

breathe it in. i'm not perfect. no one is expecting it from me. these things i'm seeing in myself...i'm grateful that i can see them...and spend time walking with them.

 

no easy road.

 

i choose you as my last thought for the night.

 

i want to squeeze you...

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  • 1 month later...

the waves...

 

i want to surf again. it's been too long...

 

and life's waves. waves of uncertainty. where will i be next week? i don't know. some would say, that there's tremendous freedom in that. maybe they're right. but it's also unsettling for me. i usually know at least a small part of the path. one step. that seems elusive at the moment.

 

walking helps. panacea for life's ''afflictions''.

 

distance is also interesting. such a pile of different emotions running through me right now. love and gratitude seem to be on the top of that pile; although, little doubts and hibernating fears may be lurking nearby.

 

integration.

 

i'm sleepy tonight. think i'll indulge in some early to bed. although the sun is still shining...

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 months later...

hello journal...

 

long time...

 

heart isn't quite as happy today. it's pretty tender if i'm honest. feels like a familiar place...but with a softer edge.

 

i like this girl. a lot. on the same page is so many ways that feel important to me. a lot of kindness. warmth. a calm integrity about it all. there's chemistry...those tingly flutters of yum. always has been.

 

not sure where it's going. something has changed. a shift. she wants more. wants to know that i want more too. and do i?

 

ya...i want more. i don't feel ready for it just yet though. and that's been challenging. she wants to know that i've got her back...that i want to share more with her. i'm feeling a little guarded...and i'm having a hard time figuring that part out. maybe it's the test of vulnerability. one thing to talk about it...to have ideas about it. quite another to feel it. to lay it all out there. i felt like i'd done that a little bit this time. because it felt easier than it ever has. the gentleness in her heart...and the way she carries herself. inviting.

 

also...some similarities to past experiences...past partners. the tears come easily for her. so easily. often, that's meant that when i share things...she is caught in the emotional torrent. sometimes what started as mine...becomes about her. it turns. and i'm left wondering why i bothered to share at all...because my end doesn't feel valued. i'm left without resolution...and a sad partner. what about my sadness? what about my conflicts...my tender spots.

 

there's distance between us. that's a struggle sometimes.

 

and...there's a six-year old in the picture also. also a struggle sometimes...for her...for me...for the six-year old.

 

i'm wondering if too much happened too soon. there's investment now...and desires for more. but there are little cracks in the foundation. big cracks...no...but definitely little ones. maybe relationships don't survive this way. maybe they do. i'm confused.

 

i'm sad about it. but not jaded. i don't feel destitute.

 

this relating thing is complicated sometimes. so simple at other times. ease. i appreciate ease.

 

maybe we'll talk more. maybe i'll remember this feeling i have right now. and remember that vulnerability is important...not only for others, but for ME also. i have to be that person. express honestly.

 

i think i need to write this down...on paper. and take some time to really reflect on where i'm at.

 

until next time...

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  • 2 weeks later...
relating is complex business...

 

when does what i want become less important than what we want. maybe it shouldn't. maybe it has to. autonomy...with a healthy dose of compromise...

 

Can you view the big picture, and see where each lies (your want, partner's want, relationship want), not just in the here and now, but over the life-span of the relationship and your life-span? Sometimes the relationship compromises to the individual, and can be stronger if a collaboration occurs. If it compromise can happen without it feeling like a loss to either partner, I think a collaboration takes place. It may at first feel like a loss to one, but if an opportunity for something new can be discovered in it, it can be a fun path for each without hurting the relationship.

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Can you view the big picture, and see where each lies (your want, partner's want, relationship want), not just in the here and now, but over the life-span of the relationship and your life-span? Sometimes the relationship compromises to the individual, and can be stronger if a collaboration occurs. If it compromise can happen without it feeling like a loss to either partner, I think a collaboration takes place. It may at first feel like a loss to one, but if an opportunity for something new can be discovered in it, it can be a fun path for each without hurting the relationship.

 

I really appreciate this.

 

Definitely hadn't considered this particular angle...and I can see how it could offer a slightly different way to look at the current situation. Something I will give consideration and possibly bring into the conversation when it feels right.

 

Thanks JN...

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also...some similarities to past experiences...past partners. the tears come easily for her. so easily. often, that's meant that when i share things...she is caught in the emotional torrent. sometimes what started as mine...becomes about her. it turns. and i'm left wondering why i bothered to share at all...because my end doesn't feel valued. i'm left without resolution...and a sad partner. what about my sadness? what about my conflicts...my tender spots.

 

Have you told her how you feel that this robs you of your own experiencing and processing or how it can create a sense of responsibility for her emotions or eventually close you off?

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