shadows

[Silverbirch]

Lovely post! Thank you 90.

[itsallgrand]

That's great news! It's really cool to think of you 'coming out' in regards to singing and playing. And that you are feeling freer about that.

It's exciting! Thinking of how much fun you can and are going to have with that. You opened up all these doors.

I think you are probably right that people can sense there is that musician in you just waiting to burst forth, who has always been there, he's just been in the 'shadows' more. Now he can come out into the light. And everyone can enjoy it!

 

Self-imposed limitations. Leave the labels behind. They don't serve...ever. They just don't. Makes me consider some of the other ways that I've limited myself. What makes me anxious? Put it to the test. Life is swinging again. I'm easing out of another one of the relative low periods. Easing. I'm growing to appreciate the fluctuations. This journey is a trip. Such a trip. I'm glad I'm here.

 

I so relate to this.

 

Freaking labels. the ones we carry inside. The ones we took on from other people. the ones that people throw around about themselves and others, even in casual conversation . "so and so, she's a - " "he's a - - - ". I get it; some of it is trying to describe, the limits of language to explain things. But there is this compulsion a lot, I think, for people to put everything in boxes (and people). I know there's some science behind this compulsion/need, and I get it, but there's so much baggage to labels.

 

And it's quite a trip, like you said, going through your own, busting them one by one, challenging them, getting this burst of 'wow, there's so much more than what i was allowing myself', and then bam, here comes another one to your attention. But momentum and skills are built too along the way, and the pace just gets faster and more subtle and it's so cool.

 

I'm really happy you got to experience that time with the tree planter and that she helped you on your way to coming out of the trailer with your music.

[90_hour_sleep]

summer...

 

i shaved my beard off on the solstice. who is this person...

 

back on the islands. immersed. it's hard here. not bad. just hard. i don't know exactly why it's hard...but somehow it feels like it's got a purpose behind it...like i'm supposed to come back to this place because it brings me face to face with things that i've been shying away from...avoiding...distancing from. i'm here to see just how i struggle with things.

 

on that note...L showed up tonight. it's funny here, how word spreads. we don't really operate in the same circles (although there is definitely some overlap)...but she knows when i'm back. knows things about me, about where i've been, about where i'm going. i know she'd rather not know...but word travels. small talk. idle chit chat. wanna come in for tea? okay.

 

it's interesting these last couple of interactions we've had. they've become progressively easier to process. they still leave me feeling conflicted though. on the one hand, i feel wary, and guarded...like i don't want to share things with her. remnants of past resentment perhaps? on the other hand, i feel such a warmth towards her, for the struggle that we both endured...for the pain that we both shared...and, really just for her. i like this person. tender. things are still rising to the surface. they're less charged now. last time, i felt like it was about her, and me understanding her side of things. part of me yearned to express my own side, to be understood. but it wasn't the right time. tonight it was my time to be understood...to be heard. and i was. and, i think it's the way it needed to work out. in order for there to be understanding, there needs to be a desire to understand.

 

''is it possible to not miss anything about a relationship, and still miss the person?'' this was her question. well, i dunno, L. i can't answer that for you. is it possible?

 

a little understanding goes a long way. seems our stories are still entangled. we're still floating on the periphery for each other. influencing. human relationship is powerful business. these bonds. i'm a little in awe of them right now.

 

sigh. i just sighed. my heart is tender right now. interestingly enough, there's no anxiety. in my body. there is something very enlivening about this feeling. in my heart. to be alive in the heart.

 

we hugged...this person and i. a long embrace. lingering. heads resting against each other. such a comforting feeling.

 

the last little while (since i've been back)...i've been thinking about how i don't trust L. it's a story i've been telling myself. she's not trustworthy. she's just how she has to be to get what she needs...from me, from anyone. The feeling behind it just shifted...just now. It's sticky. Unpleasant. Before, it was something else. There was a justification in there...some part of me trying to be on top, to be right. Bolstering. It doesn't have anything to do with her...the trust.

 

This is a new sensation.

 

My writing changed too, I noticed. The capitals came out.

 

Sigh

 

To bed with my tender heart.

[Silverbirch]

I think I feel that way too - I think I understand L's question about not missing anything about a relationship, but somehow feeling an inexplicable bond and missing the person. It confuses me.

[90_hour_sleep]

Hi Silver,

 

You understand the question...but you're confused by the fact that you yourself can miss a connection without actually missing the relationship aspect? Maybe I misunderstood.

 

I miss L...a lot. And there is still a part of me that feels like we're actually an appropriate match. I have no desire to be a part of the relationship that we were in though. None. Do I yearn for something different? Yes...sometimes I do. I know that things have changed for me. Some degrees of self-awareness have allowed me to move through some pretty sticky places. Would it be any different? I don't know.

 

I'm definitely struggling with seeing her...especially the way we seem to be spending time together. It's just so comfortable. And I can feel the feeling swirling around...the little bits of warmth and tenderness. It's like, as we move through these little healing spurts, we're stripping away all the toxic stuff that was so poisonous for us...and we're left with something that's actually nice, and inviting, and perhaps even healthy.

 

It's hard to see her though, maybe because I'm pretty sure it's different for her. She misses me, and feels a strong connection, but has a greater degree of resolve in terms of leaving the past as the past (ie. no room for anything other than a friendship).

 

I feel like I take a step back when we see each other..

[Silverbirch]

Oh yes 90. I don't miss the hurts, but I suppose that I love the person, and want him to be happy. I know in my case that there is no future in that relationship, but that may not be the case with you and L. I definitely do not feel any sense of healing in that relationship.

[90_hour_sleep]

Oh yes 90. I don't miss the hurts, but I suppose that I love the person, and want him to be happy. I know in my case that there is no future in that relationship, but that may not be the case with you and L. I definitely do not feel any sense of healing in that relationship.

 

Is this David? TOV's soul mate quote comes to mind. The people that open us up, crack us open, etc...they come and they go, which is often for the best. Too painful to stick around in each other's lives.

 

I don't know in my case either. I know that I've felt elements of healing, and that L has as well. It's a unique experience in my life, the way this is unfolding. I don't even know if I want a future interaction. As I consider, there is still an opening in me that is interested in further exploration of our interactions together. And maybe the extent of that is a continued process of healing for both of us...allowing that to unfurl as it will. Perhaps I should just feel some gratitude that we're able to share some of this process together, especially after all of the painful time we spent together.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Silver.

[itsallgrand]

How would you have felt about it if L had been doing with an ex what you are doing together, when you were seeing her? How would you have felt if you knew this huge chunk of her heart was with someone else?? Enough to seek him out, have intimate long talks and moments with him, and to be holding him close like this? Are you empathetic to that, and feel it's an ok thing to do with someone you are building something special with?

 

I know you and I see and feel differently towards these kinds of things (post break up, what's the deal with boundaries).

 

But I can't help but wonder because reading this made me think of when I fell in love with and was exclusive with somebody new, and the exes would pop up - either by phone or showing up - and there was no way in hell I'd be doing the kinds of things L is doing here because my heart was with the new guy, and I had moved on. And I wanted to give him everything. And if the person I had fallen in love with had done it to me, I would feel cheated of having someone who was really all there seeing and loving me. I would feel a little bit like I was being used as a tool.

 

The whole thing with trust is interesting. Really interesting. Wonder how you look at it and how you see it. What's going on with all that.

 

TOVs quote about soulmates struck me too. And I know who that would be for me. Maybe I'm coming accross judgmental. Well, if so, that's ok. My experience with one of those 'soul mates' relationships is that it is like fire, and it can eat up a lot of things along the way. I'm pretty confident you could plop us in a room in any time and place in our lives, and it would be the same. I'll always miss him...not the relationship. It's him and the fire we made. And there were things about that fire I loathed, and that continually hurt me. And yet I still missed it like crazy.

[Silverbirch]

Hi 90, I'm not aware of feeling cracked open with David - but perhaps I have been - in a way that I never expected. Through my "relationship" with him, I learned that Ai don't need a partner or a soulmate, and that I can lead a ver happy and fulfilling relationship without him or anyone else. In my case, I can honestly say that I am better off without any of the men I had long-term relationships with.

 

I will add, in case you didn't know, that I recently came into a reasonable amount of money - enough to put me on my way to buying and at some reasonable point,owning, "A Room of Ones Own". One of Virginia Woolf's main beliefs she expressed in that book was that a woman's independence and ability to lead a fulfilling life is so greatly improved with financial independence.

 

If anything, through my involvement with D, I just learned more of what I don't want.

 

I'm sorry if this seems depressing to you - because believe me, - in one sense, there is a sadness - not one which is by any means overwhelming - but more significantly and important to me, is a sense of liberation.

 

I still have a "friendship" with D, but that continues to warrant boundaries - because I can and have felt pulled down by him - I don't feel joy with him - even though I do feel happiness around others who have a different type of energy to him.

 

I've changed too - I no longer hold the dream of wanting to live on a ranch, and live right in the centre of a very small and lively town - and Zim Hapoy about that.

[90_hour_sleep]

^^^^

 

It's not depressing to me. Happy you're sharing. It does sound like you are much better off where you're at...and the feeling of liberation is almost palpable with your words. It's good.

 

As much as I feel a sense of struggle...it's far from the weighty feeling that has pulled me down in the past. It's a different degree. I find I'm capable of entertaining objectivity...even if at times it doesn't come immediately. You might say, I'm on the fringe of detachment.

[90_hour_sleep]

IAG...

 

 

 

^^^^^ Wish I could phone you in this instant...

 

I imagine we do see things differently...although, in this case I understand where you’re coming from, and am glad you can give it a voice here. If it sounds like I’m occupying a huge chunk of her heart, it’s possible I may have painted an inaccurate picture. The only one that knows her heart is her. Keep that in mind.

 

To answer your question, I wouldn’t feel good about it. I’m fairly confident in that. Circumstantial bits aside...it’s something that would leave me wondering about the nature of our partnership. I’d feel the same as you I think. For me, I can’t really consider being with someone new until I’ve severed the old connections in a way that leaves me completely free to explore something new. It’s something I’ve thought about, and somewhere in the mix, there is some empathy. Without knowing this guy, I think it’s easier to feel that, and understand. It would bug me if I was in his shoes.

 

What I’ve written...keep in mind it’s only my perspective...and it’s from an emotional (less than rational) vantage. I think she’d probably see things differently...and it might paint a completely different picture. For some added context:

 

The first time L showed up in April (after I’d been away for 5 months)...she told me quite frankly that she was with someone new. She also talked about his relationships with exes. Apparently he’s friends with all of them. What does that mean exactly? I have no idea. Maybe it’s a loose description of a casual friendship...facebook friends...two people who can be civil in the same room with each other...etc. I don’t really know. Are they closer friendships? Maybe. Again, I don’t know. I don’t know the context. I think L was searching for something similar to whatever he has...wondering why it’s not the case for her and her past partners...maybe thinking that it’d be a nice thing to have with me. Again, I can’t really say. So...would he be okay with it? ‘Friendship’ maybe...but I don’t think you can really count what L and I share as a ‘friendship’. She’s an ex-partner...and there is still an emotional link there (negative, positive...probably doesn’t matter in this context...just that there is something there). So, with that in mind, it seems likely that it wouldn’t be something the new guy would be terribly excited about. Then again, maybe he’s the kind of person that would be okay with it? Do those people exist?

 

This has got me wanting to ask her about it. I think I’ve been a bit mired in my own thoughts and feelings and honestly not terribly concerned with what the new guy thinks/feels (it feels different now that I’m considering that). I think it would do me good to consider that angle though, to consider that very real other person (for a multitude of reasons). I’m not seeking these interactions out...but I’m also not actively putting a stop to them before they happen. Worthy of my attention.

 

I’ve thought about the nature of these visits, and what it says about L. I think she’s someone who wants to be single...wants to be on her own...but really doesn’t know how to do that. Is scared of it...scared of facing herself. I know what that feels like...but for her, I think it’s easier to slip into partnerships. More opportunity. And, the trust thing...it ties into this. I’ve felt at times that I’m being used...used as a tool, exactly as you suggested, IAG. An emotional support. Trusting her motives...her intentions. Emotional dishonesty. Being used to support emotional needs. I think that’s why it’s felt so important to have the distance. At every juncture, I’ve indicated that I don’t want future interactions...that I’d indicate when I was ready for that. So, in a sense, she’s disregarded those wishes. Maybe she feels that it’s okay to ‘test the waters’ every month or so.

 

Wow...you’ve got me thinking from a different angle. Thank you. Doing my best. Trying to be respectful. Admit I hadn’t paid much attention to the guy on the other end. I think your thoughts have shifted me a bit back towards a healthier stance there.

[Silverbirch]

M

^^^^

 

It's not depressing to me. Happy you're sharing. It does sound like you are much better off where you're at...and the feeling of liberation is almost palpable with your words. It's good.

 

As much as I feel a sense of struggle...it's far from the weighty feeling that has pulled me down in the past. It's a different degree. I find I'm capable of entertaining objectivity...even if at times it doesn't come immediately. You might say, I'm on the fringe of detachment.

 

It sounds to me that you are in a healthy place 90. I can understand why you might not feel so comfortable with her continuing to appear in your life.

[itsallgrand]

Then again, maybe he’s the kind of person that would be okay with it? Do those people exist?

 

I think so. I think different people can have different ideas of what a relationship means and different ideas about boundaries. And different comfort levels with it too.

Some might be ok with their bf/gf/partner/wife/husband having all their exes as 'friends' (and exactly, you have to know what friendship means to a person...people use that word for all kinds of things). Others, might not. Some might even find it 'weird' if you don't have all the exes as 'friends'. Everyone is different with that.

I don't think it comes down to 'right' and 'wrong' but what kind of relationships you want to have and what is true for the person. If the person is genuinely ok with it, it doesn't matter. If the person isn't, it matters a whole lot.

To be frank though, I think that a lot of people simply never learned that there is such a thing as being able to establish strong boundaries. I really do.

 

Like you said, you don't know the man, so there is no way to know what all he is about. Or what goes on between the two of them. All you know is that L was open about the fact that she is with someone else, and that she keeps popping up to see what is up with you.

 

It's really up to you to decide what all of that is ok with you, and what isn't.

 

I don't know..but personally...it matters less to me what other people decide they are ok with, than what is ok with me. People throw all kinds of ideas and expectations at us. What I mean is; even if this guy is ok with L doing this, sees no problem, I think it's important to follow what is true for you.

 

So that's all I was going with my little bit of probing with that.

 

And when I was reading the post too, I was already thinking abuot how some people really don't care all that much if they are more intimately involved with people who 'have their hands in many pots' as it were. It's an attitude I don't totally understand. But I do observe enough people operating from it as though it is the most natural thing to do. And maybe it is for them.

But then I thought, maybe they just haven't experienced anything else either? I don't know.

It does hit a strong nerve for me; because of the damage I think people can unwittingly do simply not taking responsibility for having to establish boundaries or not. And the fact that it isn't malicious nor with intent to harm; doesn't take away that it can and does harm, and I think that is the part that bothers me so much....the sort of casually hurting others, but then reaping the emotional support etc. for that.

 

But that's my deal.

 

I really wanted to say thank you for considering a different take on it, and I'm glad you are feeling like have enough emotional distance from the situation to make your choices consciously. That's a good thing.

[tiredofvampires]

I've been meaning to get in on this discussion and lend you some of my thoughts, 90, for some time, but I've been traveling and my presence here has been at best sporadic lately. (I'm even behind in my own journal, haha.)

 

In some ways, I feel I'm an outlier on the matter of staying friends with exes -- and it has tried (and broken) more than one relationship in my time (with men who felt uncomfortable or threatened by my POV -- which is that my strong wish is to remain friends, if possible, with the men I've been intimate with [note, I said, 'if possible,', leaving room for many qualifiers and caveats]). Which has had me questioning myself, my motives, whether my boundaries are healthy, and my desires throughout my life. But after all this, I still stand firm in it (in fact now, it's part of my filtering/vetting potential new mates), because I have a certain sense about what friendship and love mean -- even when coupled in a ROMANTIC relationship -- that I'd be betraying if I were to take what seems to be the more common position (i.e., that a break-up means you move on and sever ties.) I've questioned it deeply and hard -- I've wondered if my inclinations are more idealistic and foolish than evolved and mature, as I'd like to be. And so far, what keeps coming out of this analysis is that yes, I may have some idealism (as in, with all my relational aspirations)...but it's a streak worth keeping because for me, it's real. And it's how I want to work, and though I can't make the world work the way I wish it did sometimes ("can't we all just be friends?"), I can still adhere to a personal credo that challenges me to strive for what I believe is the best of all worlds.

 

It's a challenge to keep one's heart open and yet not lose oneself to another person, or become entangled in an unbalanced situation. It's a challenge not to throw out babies with bathwaters. And to reframe relationships where there has been a certain emotional dynamic, see them transform into something else, and let go of the old story and personas.

 

But before I say any more about it...this is an interesting distinction:

 

but I don’t think you can really count what L and I share as a ‘friendship’. She’s an ex-partner

 

Friend. Ex-partner.

 

Did you have a "friendship" with her when you were "partners"?

 

If so, when did that end?

 

And, maybe most importantly: what is your idea, your definition of "friendship"?

[twomonks]

I think so. I think different people can have different ideas of what a relationship means and different ideas about boundaries. And different comfort levels with it too.

 

To be frank though, I think that a lot of people simply never learned that there is such a thing as being able to establish strong boundaries. I really do.

 

It's really up to you to decide what all of that is ok with you, and what isn't.

 

I don't know..but personally...it matters less to me what other people decide they are ok with, than what is ok with me. People throw all kinds of ideas and expectations at us.... I think it's important to follow what is true for you.

 

90... what IAG says is so spot on. regardless of whatever situation you are in or feelings you have - you are enough & what you feel is completely OK.

 

being honest with yourself about what you are feeling is often all you need to establish YOUR boundaries. depending on the situation, sometimes courage and inner strength is important too...

 

other people will take care of themselves.

[90_hour_sleep]

90... what IAG says is so spot on. regardless of whatever situation you are in or feelings you have - you are enough & what you feel is completely OK.

 

being honest with yourself about what you are feeling is often all you need to establish YOUR boundaries. depending on the situation, sometimes courage and inner strength is important too...

 

other people will take care of themselves.

 

i'm glad you stopped in.

 

this 'honesty'...it's been on my plate today. it's the root of why i feel conflicted right now. the conflict is that i'm chasing a desire that i know is probably not good for me. denial of that knowing is dishonest. and that's why there's conflict (albeit, pretty minor conflict).

 

courage...strength...and a sense of humor. some of these things are worth laughing about. a friend today suggested i make a comic strip about how L shows up pretty much like clockwork after a month of silence between us. ha. would probably be funny, because it feels universal almost. the way we relate. comical.

[90_hour_sleep]

you're all saying the same things, more or less. and i appreciate. boils down to my own thoughts and feelings. we're really on our own when it comes to owning that. so easy to see and relate...but it's tough when it's my own life. choices...consequences. the uncertainty of not knowing...anything really.

 

thanks for the thoughts...

[90_hour_sleep]

feeling a bit reactive the last few days...volatile. it's a place i go when i'm feeling emotionally unstable...or uncertain. craving resolution...and frantically trying to manipulate and control with that in mind. feeling a bit sad today. i left home again...and perhaps the sadness is symbolic of that. thinking about hugs...and warmth...and how i enjoyed the hugs L and i shared the last couple weeks. there aren't often hugs like that in my world...partly because of the connection they require...and partly because i don't want it with just anyone.

 

emotional flip-flop going on right now. i'm sure...and then i'm not. moment to moment it seems to change. craving connection again.

[90_hour_sleep]

push play...DO it...

 

[video=youtube;fRzkrZsCFSM]

what a bizarre day...

 

sunday on the res. sunday's finest. sometimes, i feel disconnected from everything; or, maybe that's the wrong word. i guess, sometimes it just feels like i'm viewing things through a different sort of lens...where everything that's happening feels almost comical. even things that really could never be considered comical...there's a humour about them. like, this world...sometimes it's just crazy. and in those moments, maybe a sense of humour is the only thing that makes sense. people screaming at each other. in each others' faces. ''go long...'' says johnny. bad toss. i toss it back. his friend laughs...the white guy just showed you up! johnny tells me about how he took out the captain of the local hockey team...choked him out. he's so animated...excited. he wants to play hockey...at least, he's musing about it. and he grins. ''i got no teeth!'' he says. there's a case of budweiser. they're already drunk. it's 9:30 am. the thing is...i like these people. everything in this world that raised me is telling me that i have no business liking them...but i do. even the screaming man. and the woman the other day who came by with her best friend and starting throwing rocks at the site foreman...and crying rape. and V...i like him...a lot. and so many others back home. people...are people. as much as these ones have their problems...they're not afraid to engage. some part of me admires that.

 

the teachers at the grocery store...complaining. always complaining. and the man in the line ahead of me, looking for the latest helen mirin dvd. these people...ignoring the girl ringing everything through. another girl walks by...belting out the supermarket radio edits. the cashier looks at me...just kind of shakes her head. and again...i feel like i'm sort of watching this on tv...like it's all meant to be funny.

 

''i like your tattoo.'' i say. it's a baby's foot...with a name. it's neat. ''do you have any tattoos?'' i don't. i've always been curious about what it would feel like. there's a desire to feel it.

 

there's a couple at the pub...a first date maybe? silent judgment: why are his shorts so short?

 

chatting with a girl about hair. facial hair. pubic hair. hygiene. we're on different pages. i showered yesterday...it'd been awhile. and does it matter? if it matters...WHY does it matter? it felt good that shower. so good. combed out my hair. it's long. really long. burned my hand on a pot handle. held a quartz crystal. the pain subsided. strange. thought about orgasms. missing human contact...but not in the usual ''longing'' way. different. companionship. chatted with a friend about companionship. ''you're cute...you won't be solo for long.'' implications. disgruntled. i think it's why i've been bearded for much of the last decade. who wants to be chosen for such a flimsy 'merit'? i've been chosen for that before. and i've chosen others for the same thing...and enjoyed it for some fleeting moments. sometimes i think i miss the idea more than i miss the 'reality'.

 

''do you want a tea latte?'' she asks. how much? i only have five bucks. $4.46. okay. ''try it before you go...so i know i'm not sending you on your way with something you don't like!'' sure...yah...it's good. *smile* silent judgement: you have a nice bum. what?!

 

walking again. driving.

 

yep...it was a funny day. days like today...can't help but feel that it's all okay. that the sun will chase the moon again tomorrow. and beyond that...i'll never know what's to come. never know...what's to come. i need to put that somewhere...

 

dan mangan -

 

"we like to talk about the past. we like to TALK about the past. well we talk about the past like it’s the strangest dream then we REPEAT the things we never dreamed we’d do."

 

''you’ll be pummeled by the certainty of minions. it’s a puppet show, a theatre of opinions. a chorus of flack. feeder of the pack. you can hear the shaky timbre of the voices most alone."

[90_hour_sleep]

dancing...wow. what amazing medicine. feels like my body has been aching to move like that for an eternity. the body remembers. i know it does. mmm. stone-cold sober to boot. important. unencumbered by thought or substance.

 

wondering a bit about attraction today.

 

synopsis:

 

had very brief online interactions with three women last week. turns out they were all headed to the same music festival this weekend. i went too. found two of them. and actually spent a good chunk of today with both of them...at the same time (a little funny...but surprisingly un-awkward...for me at least). there were some one-on-ones too. even dancing the night before.

 

girl one: a few years older than me. initiated contact. she shared some cool stuff prior to the weekend. have some similar interests. good chats today. a degree of comfort. zero physical attraction.

 

girl two: around the same age as me. some fun email exchanges before the weekend. easy to talk to. she's got a great, outgoing personality. didn't feel super drawn to her though. i felt friendly...but not much else. again, absent physical attraction. felt like she might've been bothered by the fact that there was someone else around? i dunno. there was complete transparency about my intentions. not from the area. not around for long. leaving long-term in the fall. only looking for people to bum around with and do some exploring. and, that transparency was acknowledged and appreciated. she initiated contact originally, as well.

 

girl three: most minimal contact. of the three, was most interested in her writeup. no pictures. just a description of where she'd be (and that it'd be obvious). it was obvious. i saw her around a few times, but was always otherwise engaged. never did get a chance to meet up. instant physical attraction.

 

so, while i'm not looking to meet people for relationships, i'm definitely interested in meeting people. preferably, lots of people. good for me to get exposure to diversity. i'm wondering about the physical component a bit. i've had the experience where someone i wasn't initially attracted to physically really grew on me. but only once or twice. how important is it? i feel completely superficial sometimes...like i'm ruling out awesome people based almost entirely on a degree of attraction that i don't even really understand. i mean, where does it come from? is it some innate chemical thing? or is just a wad of tired old neurons that only want to get charged up enough to fire? why is it even important? wouldn't it be so much better to spend time with someone i connect with on a deeper level? why should it matter what she looks like? intellectually...i don't care what she looks like.

 

i just feel fussy. like, really fussy. ugh. kind of a gross feeling. i don't love it.

 

then again, maybe it's a critical component of bonding?

 

i don't seem to find many people initially appealing on this level. and maybe it's just a question of letting things unfold a bit...letting some of the other layers reveal themselves. it's not just a simple equation. but also, how much does my gut know? it's not like i feel ambivalent about girl one and girl two. i didn't feel any sort of attraction.

 

girl three. attraction = i want to know more.

 

maybe it just is what it is. suppose i shouldn't worry about it. just really wonder if i put far too much emphasis on the physical component of attraction. is it biology? social conditioning? am i being judged in the same manner by females? are my standards too high? dunno

 

musing away here.

[90_hour_sleep]

fluid...

 

ebbs and flows...highs and lows.

 

i remember this day last year. a spark.

 

and then...woah. i like the sparks. sometimes they start fires. sometimes they just fizzle and sputter. but sparks are sparks...and there is something joyful there. powerful memories.

 

so...what's up for tomorrow?

 

today...i miss last year's spark. and that's okay.

 

hasta luego.

[90_hour_sleep]

[video=youtube;rvWstzEUTfU]

 

i come here when i'm sad. or feeling lonely. or feeling...disconnected.

 

tonight...i'm longing. it's a longing...almost like a feeling of wanting to go back. not far. but...back. usually i don't feel like i want to go back. never, actually. not anymore. i'm so used to feeling appreciation, gratitude even, for the moments that have passed. the good things that have come, and gone. it's good. there's purpose. my life's course is as it should be...as it needs to be.

 

it's not a longing to go back and hold on to something...to cling to it...to keep it forever. i just wanna go back and feel those moments again.

 

always about a girl. there are worse 'problems' to have.

 

miss you, m. you were a lot of fun. haven't seen you in over a year. a few scattered messages. you made cookies...and mailed them with some other things. why did you DO that?? searching for meaning where there might not be any. the postcard. the socks. the silver sand dollar. these are personal things. well...they feel personal to me. and then there's the way we met. honest: i'm attached to that...how it happened. because i LIKE it. i do. the whole thing. the few weeks that followed.

 

yep...it was good. and i'm glad it happened. i'm lucky.

 

might just be the ''one that got away''. no one knows. i don't know. you're out there...and you said hi the other day. and maybe that's why i'm here. there's more, for sure. life is a series of forks...roads that go off in different directions. maybe they're like the highways in mexico...where the new roads criss-cross some of the old roads. does our road cross again? i think i had a gut feeling about this. and it said...move along. feel this...and then move along.

 

okay...so i'm here...and i'm feeling it. feeling it again. i kinda want it to be hollywood. like when the two people who connected...they cross paths again. they find each other. and it's like time just melts into nothing, and everything. past, present, future...they collide.

 

funny how this journal started. some 2000 days later...it's the same. different...but the same.

 

intuition. i don't want to believe in you tonight. i wanna think you're wrong...that i'm wrong. and maybe i AM wrong. maybe i'm right. maybe you're right. and maybe we're not separate haha. she's a bundle of mystery for me. and i suppose that's what it's all about. the not knowing...it wants to be known. i want it to be known. where have you been? what's been happening? and how is life...really? something? anything? although, that's probably a can of worms. i'll want more. always a bit more.

 

to be continued...

[Silverbirch]

Yes, they are personal things. She must really like you 90.

[90_hour_sleep]

Yes, they are personal things. She must really like you 90.

 

ha...i read this in my head with a dry note of sarcasm...like if i had a shrink, he might say this to me to get me to question why i'm even thinking about it to begin with.

 

are you into psychology, silver?

 

you might be right. she might like me. she doesn't dislike me...that much is obvious. but nothing else is obvious. i think she's a bit like i am with new people...a little guarded...and a little reluctant to be the vulnerable one.

 

she's also got a somewhat complicated life...and part of that complication is quite possibly beyond her control. it's a brain thing.

[90_hour_sleep]

sometimes you just never know. maybe always. stay open. soften your perception of the world. let whatever light there is be a guide.

 

adios 2016. you were good to me.