Women...men in their 40's, never engaged, married, no kids, etc.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes I agree- what I find interesting are those posters who write that it is not a red flag even if the 40-something man claims to have wanted marriage or a serious relationship very badly for the last 20 years and has had no long term relationship. That would concern me (and at least in the city where I did my dating it was easier for men to meet women than the other way around -although that would be a minor factor in my thinking).

 

Everyone has their own way of seeing things..what is a red flag to one person may not be so to another person..that doesn't make the other person wrong. Just because someone wants something badly, doesn't mean they have been lucky enough to find it. Doesn't mean they did anything wrong or didn't try hard enough. Sometimes things just don't work out no matter how hard a person tries. Again, it comes down to actually getting to know a person over time before drawing conclusions about why something turned out the way it did.

[Batya33]

Everyone has their own way of seeing things..what is a red flag to one person may not be so to another person..that doesn't make the other person wrong. Just because someone wants something badly, doesn't mean they have been lucky enough to find it. Doesn't mean they did anything wrong or didn't try hard enough. Sometimes things just don't work out no matter how hard a person tries. Again, it comes down to actually getting to know a person over time before drawing conclusions about why something turned out the way it did.

 

I never wrote anything about drawing conclusions -but I would draw the conclusion that I'd have to inquire further. I don't think finding someone is just about luck not at all and I have many years of experience directly and also indirectly on that point. Any time someone claims to want a certain life goal badly -whether it be career, a partner, a house, whatever and has wanted that for all of his or her adult life and that goal is at least partly in the person's control then yes I think it's cause for concern that the words and actions don't match somehow.

 

Obviously there could be a perfectly good explanation but "I just wasn't lucky enough" wouldn't fly with me as the whole answer. I tried to claim that to myself several times and of course had to admit to myself (and certain others) that that wasn't the whole truth. If the goal is not in the person's control at all in any realistic way -like winning the lottery or becoming a number one singer - then that's different. But finding a partner - no serious relationships in a person's adult life, the person is in his 40s and claims "the only thing I ever wanted was a serious relationship" -yes, to me a potentially red flag that requires explanation. What Lavenderdove described was a reason for being single -focus on career, other priorities, family responsibilities -whatever. That's different.

[rocio]

We all can't be just alike or be the same. Everybody is not going to get married, fall in love or live to even be 40 years old.

 

This is how I feel. I wouldn't make any assumptions about a person based on something so general. We all have different things we need to accomplish in this life. I would never assume that what other people have directed theiri focus on was superior or inferior to mine.

[jonny15]

It's also the same as saying "how would someone be in tune if they are continually changing relationships?" What I mean by that is, you have the ones that learn from their mistakes (fair enough), but you also have the ones that are bonafide sex machines, uncommitted S.O.'s, abusive S.O.'s and a whole plethora of issues...you wouldn't expect them to be in tune given their issues.

 

Yers...but the different relashionships gives them something to build on when it comes to getting what they want.

 

Just like you, I haven't had one thus far in life...but just looking at my friends relationships and hearing their complaints has already helped me prepare for them when they do happen to me (again, that's only in theory...won't know until I see for myself).

 

All I have is this forum when it comes to hearing about things like this.

 

Nobody is telling me anything about their situations.

[OrangeMoon]

I have a question for the ladies..what do you think of 40 year old men who have never lived with a woman, been engaged, married, etc. would you question if they are boyfriend or better yet....husband material?

 

This conversation came up at work today and many of the woman say that a red flag would go up if they met a man who has never been engaged or married and was 40 plus years old.

 

 

 

What do you all think? Any experience with this?

 

 

Thanks so much

 

 

I also want to add that i know there can be circumstances that are out of their control..and woman too can have these same issues..i have friends who are female who are single..but they had at least one long term relationship each (one engaged, one lived together for many years) and are both now 40ish!

 

well from my experience..they are either not too attractive and struggling with some social issues..or they are a bit too attractive and have enough just dealing with themselves and their needs..

 

I have noticed men in their 40s accept their singlestatus better than women can around that age. And I have seen more women in their 50's accept their singlestatus better than men can around that age..

 

I have more chances of a relationship with a 50 year old guy, than a 40 year old man.

[friendsoulmate]

(and at least in the city where I did my dating it was easier for men to meet women than the other way around -although that would be a minor factor in my thinking).

 

This issue you think is minor, is more major and more important to me. Perhaps this is gender and location bias.

[Batya33]

This issue you think is minor, is more major and more important to me. Perhaps this is gender and location bias.

 

It was a major priority for me to live in a major city teeming with singles. I put a lot of effort and money into doing that so that I would have a better chance of finding a good match. It definitely worked for me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It was a major priority for me to live in a major city teeming with singles. I put a lot of effort and money into doing that so that I would have a better chance of finding a good match. It definitely worked for me.

 

Yes, but just because someone doesn't make a move specifically to find singles and to put getting married as the top priority in their agenda so that they spend lots of money and time in that one quest, doesn't mean it is suspicious if they are older, say they want to get married but didn't follow the protocol you followed to get there. People have their own way of doing things and their own comfort level as to what they are willing to sacrifice and spend on in order to track down a potential partner. Not everyone is comfortable going to the lengths you did to find a mate, but that doesn't mean they didn't try hard enough.

[Batya33]

Yes, but just because someone doesn't make a move specifically to find singles and to put getting married as the top priority in their agenda so that they spend lots of money and time in that one quest, doesn't mean it is suspicious if they are older, say they want to get married but didn't follow the protocol you followed to get there. People have their own way of doing things and their own comfort level as to what they are willing to sacrifice and spend on in order to track down a potential partner. Not everyone is comfortable going to the lengths you did to find a mate, but that doesn't mean they didn't try hard enough.

 

I think you are twisting my words. If someone claims they want a certain goal badly but they haven't reached that goal then I would want to know what actions they took to try to achieve that goal - not necessarily what "I" would do but, sure, if someone claims that marriage is his top priority and he's made no or little effort to meet people then his words would be inconsistent with his action in my opinion. And if his response was that he truly believed the right one for him would seek him out and come knocking on his door or just appear without him having had to put in any effort then that would be a red flag for me as to whether he had a sufficient grip on reality.

As far as comfort level -yes, sure, that's fair but if someone's comfort level would not allow for going out there and meeting people I would hope the person would be honest enough with himself to admit that he was choosing fear over his goal and that therefore the marriage/relationship goal was not a top priority. I went far beyond my comfort level many many times in my efforts to find a good match for me because when a goal is that important, it's typical to choose actions over fear. Or to get professional help to overcome the fear if it's that important. Again, I'm only referring to people who are single in their 40s and claim to want to be married or in a relationship more than anything. As a friend of mine commented years ago -if you're 35 and single and don't want to be single it's probably far more about yourself than anything else. I agree with that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It could mean that the person was not willing to settle for just anyone, just to be able to check off "married" on their "must do in life" checklist....so I agree that not wanting to settle in order to say "I am married" does indeed say something about the person.

[Ascendant]

Yers...but the different relashionships gives them something to build on when it comes to getting what they want.

 

 

 

All I have is this forum when it comes to hearing about things like this.

 

Nobody is telling me anything about their situations.

 

It can, but I meant that sometimes you have people who have a wealth of relationship experience but doesn't necessarily take them where they want it to go (In this case, a long till-death-do-us-part relationship).

 

What did you mean by the second part?

[Batya33]

It could mean that the person was not willing to settle for just anyone, just to be able to check off "married" on their "must do in life" checklist....so I agree that not wanting to settle in order to say "I am married" does indeed say something about the person.

 

Yes and my main point was that it's reasonable to be concerned about someone who claims to want marriage more than anything but has made no or little effort to meet someone -especially if his excuse is "my comfort zone". It would concern me generally if someone's MO was to choose fear over goals.

[jonny15]

What did you mean by the second part?

 

I just have never talked to any females about anything like that. Nor do I have any that would care to.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I just have never talked to any females about anything like that. Nor do I have any that would care to.

Me too, Johnny.

Never really had female friends.

Or many male friends.

So you and I were alike in that respect.

 

Yes, I was kind of a loner for most of my 20s. Think that's one thing that "kept me back" and didn't help me in my dating.

Counting the number of single dates I had in my life, I came up with 4-5 in college. And a similar number the first several years after college.

 

Looking back, wish I had as friendships and the experience of interacting with people outside of dating helps one mature and learn about life, the other sex and how to live your life that might be helpful in attracting members of the opposite sex.

 

One thing is that women don't like nervousness or men that seem desperate.

Women can spot insecurity.

 

Women like to date guys that are comfortable with their own lives, the lives of others, and the world around them.

Guys that don't take themselves too seriously and who can find humor in many things, including themselves.

 

 

How would someone be more in tune with what they really want in a relshionship if they've never had one?

 

I sure as heck don't know since i've never had one.

So, Johnny, what's stoppin' you from going out and meeting women?

 

Lots of us have given you tips on how to meet women and get a relationship going.

 

As you're in your late 20s, it's time to break out of your "comfort zone" and start trying to meet women.

[jonny15]

Yes, I was kind of a loner for most of my 20s. Think that's one thing that "kept me back" and didn't help me in my dating.

Counting the number of single dates I had in my life, I came up with 4-5 in college. And a similar number the first several years after college.

 

I wasn't always a loner.

 

Wasn't fully one in high school, since I was more outgoing. Iut it wasn't well revieved from most, so I just went into my shell.

 

One thing is that women don't like nervousness

 

It's just how I act.

 

I really don't think I could change that.

 

 

Women like to date guys that are comfortable with their own lives, the lives of others, and the world around them.

Guys that don't take themselves too seriously and who can find humor in many things, including themselves.

 

I have no problem finding humor in myself or other things.

 

 

So, Johnny, what's stoppin' you from going out and meeting women?

 

Lots of us have given you tips on how to meet women and get a relationship going.

 

As you're in your late 20s, it's time to break out of your "comfort zone" and start trying to meet women.

 

Crappy social skills. Low self esteem.

 

I don't like being judged and or rejected.

[trixi]

2008;4679918]I have a question for the ladies..what do you think of 40 year old men who have never lived with a woman, been engaged, married, etc. would you question if they are boyfriend or better yet....husband material?

 

This conversation came up at work today and many of the woman say that a red flag would go up if they met a man who has never been engaged or married and was 40 plus years old.

 

 

 

What do you all think? Any experience with this?

 

 

Thanks so much

 

 

I also want to add that i know there can be circumstances that are out of their control..and woman too can have these same issues..i have friends who are female who are single..but they had at least one long term relationship each (one engaged, one lived together for many years) and are both now 40ish!

 

 

Definitely a huge red flag....my last boy friend fell into that category - he literally had what I call a smorgasbord of commitment issues

[iwishiknew]

I'm not to far away from 40. I never had a date, relationship, or a gf before. A lot would say that this is not normal but I'm normal and outgoing. I have tried many times before and never been given a chance at all. I have always been turned down and rejected.

[bostonbruins44]

For me it would be about why. If he is high functioning autistic, a mommas boy, a distracted genius, extremely socially anxious, thats OK.

If its due to addiction of some sort, Id red flag. Has he always just stayed home? or is he involved in social interest clubs with his own age group? That sort of thing

I would speculate that there are many men who would be classified as high functioning autistic[Asperger's syndrome] who start dating at a later age. It takes them longer to learn the skills they need to successfully date.Asperger's is a developmental disorder so it takes people longer to hit their stride. It seems kind of unfair to label these people as ''red flags'' when there late start might be because they have AS.

[Aries73]

I'd like to ask why a question like this is any more fair than if a man asked whether or not a woman in her 40's not being married, childless, or never engaged is a red flag? I sense a lot of judgement being leveled at guys who, for all I know, haven't been given a fair chance over the years by females who are being fed bogus standards by the media--more specifically, by gossiping harridans who seem to enjoy listening to their own voices far too much--and are being further judged for going into their 40's without a committed partner.

 

I turned 39 yesterday so this thread is becoming particularly odious in my view because its aim seems to be at justifying the outright exclusion of single men at a certain age period.

[lady00]

I think I wrote on this thread a long time ago but I just wanted to say I've never had a relationship last more than a few months and I have been single (not been on a single date or even kissed anyone) for about three years. I don't feel that it's normal or abnormal. It's just me. I'm not sure if I would feel differently at 40 or if I met someone who was 40 and in my shoes. Sure by that time someone has had a few more years under their belt but that doesn't mean much in my mind. There could be many reasons to explain it. Some people, like me, simply have other priorities. I also have several friends who were married and divorced by thirty and I have seen how hard it is. So now I would say marriage doesn't scare me but divorce terrifies me. And, oh yeah, I'm not sure I want kids either and I was pretty sure a few years ago. So, I guess what I am trying to say is these things don't necessarily tell you much about a person. At some point you just have to take the risk, date the person, and see what happens.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Well-stated.

When I was dating in my late 20s and early 30s, I would never have held a person's past against them, whether they hadn't dated much or had some sex.

 

If a woman was an "older virgin," would have viewed that as a positive as it shows some responsibility and character. From what I've read, many women hold that view of older virgin men.

 

However, someone who has never dated, it could display some problems for some, but those could be worked out, am sure. As long as that person handled him/herself well on dates.

 

Even those older virgins can be pretty judgmental, as I learned from a 30 y.o. virgin I ALMOST got engaged to @26... but that's another story and not the norm, from what I can tell.

[AmandaBardwell]

No, I would never question whether they are husband material. They were just so busy with their job that they didn't realize that time is not standing still.

 

But tell me, where are they? I am looking for one but just can't seem to find one. The only ones I find is online scammers trying to scam me out of money I don't have.

[jonny15]

Guys in this forum and real life do express a desire for "relationship experience" before marriage. So, one can wonder if the guy sees you as a marriage partner or just an opportunity to get started on the relationship train.

 

 

I think people do want relashionship experience. But it's not like someones gonna come out and say that they simply want you to be a starter kit or anything.

 

A guy has to start somewhere right?

[jonny15]

Sorry....Edit wasn't working right.

 

 

I just realized that I just quoted a post on a topic in this thread that I have already devoted several posts to.

 

I'm an idiot. Sorry.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry....Edit wasn't working right.

 

 

I just realized that I just quoted a post on a topic in this thread that I have already devoted several posts to.

 

I'm an idiot. Sorry.

 

No worries Jonny ... it's a good question/response. I think that's the number one reason a woman would worry about being with a guy with no experience if she is interested in marriage.