Women...men in their 40's, never engaged, married, no kids, etc.

[Batya33]

To each her own, I guess. Whether or not a man had close friends just wouldn't matter to me. Heck, I don't really have close friends. I find it increasingly harder to make good friends as I get older, and the ones I had from my youth have gone on and have new lives with their husbands and children and don't really seem to want to spend time with their "single" friend anymore. I imagine it's hard for single men my age, too.

 

Yes it's about compatibility and for me social compatibility was important. I personally would have found too much imbalance (in our lifestyles. the way we interacted) and not enough in common with a person who didn't have any close friendships.

[lady00]

I don't think I would see it as a red flag. I would be surprised, but I don't think it's a red flag for me personally. I could easily see myself being in that position--being in my 40s with no children and never having had a long-term relationship--I've made it this far without getting into one lol. There is nothing wrong with me and I've never had a long-term relationship so I don't think I would assume something is wrong with someone who reached 40 and was in the same position.

[bostonbruins44]

To each her own, I guess. Whether or not a man had close friends just wouldn't matter to me. Heck, I don't really have close friends. I find it increasingly harder to make good friends as I get older, and the ones I had from my youth have gone on and have new lives with their husbands and children and don't really seem to want to spend time with their "single" friend anymore. I imagine it's hard for single men my age, too.

I don't think in your particular situation a lack of friends is due to something being wrong with you ,just the unfortunate dynamics of your age and your status[single while other friends have family]

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think in your particular situation a lack of friends is due to something being wrong with you ,just the unfortunate dynamics of your age and your status[single while other friends have family]

 

I agree. There are a lot of people in all age groups who are lacking solid friendships. I am not talking about superficial friendships, I am talking about the real solid ones who are with you during the sad times as well. Also, plenty of people have these kinds of solid friendships even thought they don't see them that often. In other words, there is a difference between having one or two solid friends who are there for you during the good times and bad, and having friends with whom you can socialize on a regular basis. A lot of single women in our age group have good friends we can talk to but who are very busy with their own lives, with families etc. They are not the ones you can call up and say "hey, you want to get together next week". Often they have to pencil you in a month or so down the road. So single women can often spend an awful lot of alone time as everyone is so busy doing this, that and the next thing. I have also often heard of very lonely divorced or widowed women who had a group of "couple" friends but once their marriage ended through divorce or death, those friendships fizzled out and the woman was left alone. I have seen many posts on this forum from both women and men who are single and are having a hard time connecting with friends because of different lifestyles, interests, and the superficiality of how many people interact with each other these days.

[BriarRose]

Yes it's about compatibility and for me social compatibility was important. I personally would have found too much imbalance (in our lifestyles. the way we interacted) and not enough in common with a person who didn't have any close friendships.

 

This makes sense, I guess. If you are a very social person you might not mesh with an introvert or someone who has few friends. I'm not much of a social butterfly, so it wouldn't be an issue for me. I would be happy if he just wanted to go bowling or see a movie or go swimming with manatees....

[BriarRose]

I don't think in your particular situation a lack of friends is due to something being wrong with you ,just the unfortunate dynamics of your age and your status[single while other friends have family]

 

Exactly! The fact is, married life/family life IS different than the single life with no children, and these friends often drift apart.

 

One of my BEST friends from High School looked me up and contacted me. I love her dearly...we had a few email chats and she has been married for 20 years and had three children. Sadly, we just had little common ground. I stopped hearing from her after a few emails.

[shygal2008]

Exactly! The fact is, married life/family life IS different than the single life with no children, and these friends often drift apart.

 

One of my BEST friends from High School looked me up and contacted me. I love her dearly...we had a few email chats and she has been married for 20 years and had three children. Sadly, we just had little common ground. I stopped hearing from her after a few emails.

 

 

 

BriarRose i completely get that..you do drift apart..i have drifted from a few married friends and even cousins my age bcuz they are married and now have families..we just don't have anything to really talk about now. I have my own condo and my job of course but after that there really isn't a lot more to say.

 

Yes i do go out to dinner with single friends/family members on the weekends (but not often) sometimes and i see my mother (lunch & shopping) and niece for dinner pretty regularly...but thats the extent of it!

 

I wish we hadn't driftes away so much but it was inevitable but i understand. Their entire lives are about their kids, hubbies, family functions, etc. I too get emails and text messages fromt hem. But basically its them asking me to stop by their homes, see their kids, etc. after doing that a few times..i just felt i'd rather go out and not sit in someone's kitchen anymore watching kids play..i work with kids everyday so on the weekends i guess i just need something else

 

I am happy for them though.

[Batya33]

Exactly! The fact is, married life/family life IS different than the single life with no children, and these friends often drift apart.

 

One of my BEST friends from High School looked me up and contacted me. I love her dearly...we had a few email chats and she has been married for 20 years and had three children. Sadly, we just had little common ground. I stopped hearing from her after a few emails.

 

This is why I made sure to meet new people and to work hard at staying in touch with people who had families. Sometimes I felt I did more of the work to see my friends with children -now that I have a child I have to ask those people who want to see me to accommodate my child's schedule and my family's schedule. I have not drifted apart from single friends- out of the three new friends I've made in this city (lived here a bit over a year) two are single women, no children. We have a lot in common (especially since I didn't get married until my early 40s so I can relate to the dating scene!). I sometimes feel badly that it is very difficult for several reasons to talk by phone in the evening but I make myself available a lot during the day.

 

Yes it does get a bit harder but from what I've seen if you're willing to live in an environment where there are lots of interesting activities -cultural, sports, whatever and lots of single people it's not as hard. It also depends on whether that's a real priority to you . For me it always was.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Originally Posted by MD Geist

This is why I'am the way I'am with all my posts. cause even if a guy is 20-30 years and has not had a girlfriend its just not good on his part.

Originally Posted by wsim

This is what scares the crap out of me, as someone who is in his mid 20s and zero relationships. When you reach 30+, most girls will definitely be turned off if they find this out. I will probably lie and hide this fact as I get older... maybe even from now on. I know that the right girl wouldn't care but reading some of the comments and from what I believe, I am highly skeptical, as I don't think many are as accepting by the time you reach your later years (i.e. - 30-40)

The same applies to men. You should see their chins drop when I tell them I was never married. They just give you this blank stare....they are thinking, "what's wrong with her"?

I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of for either sex.

 

In a thread I once read, men were discussing IDEALLY, how many past sexual partners they'd like to see in the women they dated in their mid-20s. I think the number was relatively low, 3-5, not someone who had numerous sexual relationships. Mine, by 30, would have been 0-1-2...

 

Think of it this way.... would you rather buy a HIGH MILEAGE used car vs. my 5 yr. old car that has only 30,000 miles on it?

 

Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the car that has 80k miles, but the lower mileage one should have some advantages (and less emotional baggage)....

 

Then again, depends on how the car was driven, the type of roads, rough relationships, a series of failed relationships, several long-term relationships, condition of the tires, etc.

 

...If the partner's marriage ended or engagement broke off bec. the other cheated, that's one thing. If the other partner was too shy but is now overcoming social anxiety, that's a factor as well...

 

What if the other recently moved from a sparsley populated area that didn't have many available singles?

I have a professional colleague, a guy in his early 50s, who lives in a small town (20,000-) and according to his facebook posts, never had a serious LTR. He recently commented how the only invitation he ever got was from a drunk woman in a bar... (He's very good at his career and like one of the top men at the co.)

 

Remember: you're dating this person in the present, not his or her past....

[ClarenceRutherford]

True. Many marry for the wrong reasons, great sex security, prestige, someone to father their child, loneliness, or to "settle..." bec. they're getting old...

They later wake up one day and wonder why they made that decision,.... and thus move on.

 

That is totally out of the hands of the other partner.

[jenna-is-here]

Not a red flag at all.

 

My best friend just got engaged to a man who is 45 (she is 41). He has never been married or engaged and he is awesome to her.

[LostYears]

Im in my mid 30's. I raise my siblings, and will be doing so until my early 40's. I have wanted a serious relationship for the last 8 years while doing this job. Before my late 20's I just wanted to party and not hurt myself or someone else by not being ready for it. I now worry there might be a little stigma when Im ready despite my obvious commitment to family and others. I refuse to waste someones love and time until i have finished my current role.

Im sure/hope it will work out for me, but I do worry sometimes.

Some of my married friends bring this very topic up, that is why I googled it and then made a quick account to make this comment.

My only real comfort is the support I get from women who know my story. They all think I will be able to find someone, so that makes me feel alot better. Its just my old male friends who warned me not to help my family that still say things that play on my fears to this day.

I am proud of my committment and now have evolved into a family man and am ageing young, so I hope it will work out. When I feel really down about it, I have to remind myself that it only takes one person to disagree with convention and love me if the time comes.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Exactly. All you have to do is look around at all the people who are married, have been married, have had many relationships or just one or two relationships....many of them are majorly messed up in one way or another.

 

Someone who never had a long-term relationship may actually have less wrong with them than someone who has been married or who has had one or more long-term relationships.

 

You can't base a person's fitness for interacting with others in a relationship simply on whether or not they had relationship experience.

Exactly.

 

Why some fear they'll be looked down upon if it's discovered they're virgins or hadn't really dated much by their late 20s and 30s...

As if someone who got their "I Had Sex" membership card @17 is "superior" to a young adult in his or her 20s who hasn't had a lot of sex or BFs/GFs.

 

Relationship and marital status is not a very good indicator of someone's fitness for a relationship

It's like that girl in HS we all knew who went out with MANY guys... Never turned any down....

Surely she was "better" at relationships or just in bed?

[Flannel PJ]

I just came out of a three year relationship with a man 51 years old, never married. And I will NEVER date another again. They have basically lived a life that revolves solely around them, and they have diificultly relating to the needs/perspectives of others. Another thing- look for the relationship they have with their mom. She usually is very much in the picture. Mine exbf's mom was still doing his laundry and cooking for him!

[Fudgie]

As I said before, I don't have an issue if a guy was never actually married/engaged, but if he's NEVER had a relationship, EVER, by the time he's in his 40s, 50s, then that's a red flag to me.

 

Perhaps he's fine, and that's fine. But as everyone knows, being in a relationship for the first time requires a lot of time to learn how to accommodate for another person. I'm not sure if I would like to go through those "growing pains" with someone else when I myself have already had relationship experience.

[UnchainedSoul]

I am with a man like that now who is 41. Never married, never lived with a woman, but had girlfriends He has a hard time expressing his emotions and communicating them. However he is good man. A really good man. It may seem like a negative but I feel I will be his first attempt at true love and I feel happy that I would be the first that he will get to enjoy this incredible experience with. I look at that as a big plus and I enjoy our relationship. He is not a commitment phobe because he has told me many times he would like to get married one day. Hopefully to me!!! Fingers crossed!!

[kuteknish]

It's definitely questionable for me. I'd like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt as we all have our pasts and our demons, but my ex was 38, never married, no kids, very set in his ways and no relationship he had ever had, had lasted more than a year before he broke it off.

 

It could be a red flag, but not all single, never married men/women in their late 30s and older are anything to question

[candyapplle123]

This type of man wouldn't bother me, I have dated this type of man and a man with no children or has never been married like myself that is in his 40's I would welcome.

[tnmom66]

This type of man wouldn't bother me, I have dated this type of man and a man with no children or has never been married like myself that is in his 40's I would welcome.

 

I feel the same way but this "type of man" I met was a commitment-phobe and I ended up having his child and we are stuck in a messy situation. The child was an accident. I knew immediately that he had issues. I think I would easily spot them in other men who are over 35 "never married, no kids" I hope I can find another one who actually wants a long term relationship.

[BlueEagle]

Not to hijack this thread, but what if this was a man in his mid 30s?

 

During a fight about something else, my girlfriend at the time (late 20s) asked me what was my longest relationship and when she found it was just over six months she was shocked and told me with visible regret that had she known that before "it might have changed things." (Ouch!) I cannot begin to tell you how incredibly hurtful that was for me to hear. It took the wind right out of my sails. I never even conceived this would be a huge dealbreaking issue; I never deceived her, tried to hide anything, or lied -- she never asked! She never even asked me why that was my longest relationship. I think at the time I was too hurt to openly offer an explanation -- I was shocked by how she was judging me and treating me to even think straight.

 

She was also shocked and disappointed that I had never been married, engaged, or lived with anyone before for my someone my age. Keep in mind that neither one of us talked at all about our past dating history and/or partners. We never felt the need to because we got along so well together. She even met a lot of my family and I was going to meet her family later that week. I can understand during the dating process and before agreeing to be exclusive had this conversation occurred (and explanations were able to be provided without the heated tension of a fight) that this might not work out, but after we've been exclusive for a few months? I'm not denying her the right to feel that way, but I just feel it was totally unfair to me because if this was such an important dealbreaker to her then why didn't she bring it up earlier? Why during a fight? Why invest emotions, intimacy, and seeing each other practically every day to just decide to call it off in light of this news??

 

Anyways, it really did a number on me and made me feel ridiculed, embarrassed, and ashamed because that's not something that I can change about myself. I never judged her for being divorced. The fight got worse and when she broke up with me she told me our backgrounds were too different and that she didn't want to be "the teacher in the relationship" and didn't want to "go back to training wheels." (Double Ouch!) And how she was going to want to get married and have kids and I told her that's something I want to do at some point, too. She disregarded what I said and told me that I wasn't going to change (I think I know myself better than her, or anyone else, when it comes to asserting that I DO want to get married and have children someday). At that point I realized nothing I could say or do could convince her that I did want a long-term relationship and being judged like this was very hurtful and that I did (and do) have a lot of love in my heart to give. It still pains me to this day to think about how that very misunderstanding irreparably decimated our relationship. I cared about her a great deal and wanted to make things work by doing whatever it would take, but she couldn't handle it. It just made me feel like there was something abnormally wrong with me. Talk about a massive ego blow.

[Thorshammer]

To Blueeagle I had a somewhat similiar experience. Before my last relationship i had relationships that only lasted 1 yr to 1.5 years. In those R.S. it was either pretty chaotic, or we had a lot of freedom (not sexual freedom, but we rarely had time for each other). So, when i was in my last relationship and the years added up and we spent a lot of time together, i was literally swimming in uncharted waters. I had to quickly learn how to maintain sexual attraction, how to maintain passion in the bedroom, how to weight instant satisfaction with long-term results (like fighting over something stupid and winning can grant you whatever results you want, but it might have a long-term effect, etc,) when everything started to slip into routine territory it was hard to spark things (and i was clueless most of the time, but she was difficult due to depression- but thats another discussion).

 

So yes, i can see why that can set alarms if i date someone inexperienced. I want communication, i want appreciation that might come from experience of weighing me against other men, i want them to have a pattern of trial and error to fall back on when it comes to relationship dynamics, and for many (unless they are well read) might not have that naturally if they dont have the experience to back it up. This is not to say many inexperienced people wont make good partners, but some people might not want to take the risk because of their experience (though some would actually welcome an inexperienced person as read above, so evaluation based on how good and mature the person is will go a long way). But, I am a far better experienced man now with the kick in the pants that my last RS was (even my shorter RS i can gather experience from).

 

I have also had ex's leave me, then chase me when their 'experience' finally caught up and they realized i was actually pretty good.

 

I have dated (not committed to) immature women who dont understand the give and take of a healthy relationship. This is very frustrating (and i KNOW I frustrated them).

[Sara1970]

My ex - when I met him he was 35 - had never had a girlfriend before me.

He is an attractive, warm and funny guy... he just has a lot of insecurities and is painfully shy.

I absolutely adored him.

I didn't care at all that our relationship was a long distance one... we saw each other every other weekend, and as far as I was concerned it was always special because I had always missed him, despite us talking on the phone for hours every day in between.

I never pressured him for more than he felt able to give.

I just loved him, for who he was, and would have rathered to be with him in the relationship that we had than anyone else in the world.

 

Unfortunately, him never having been in a relationship before, I think made him quite emotionally immature and somewhat selfish at times.

We hit a rocky patch when I had a brief illness, and he felt pushed away for our last couple of months.

Instead of talking this through with me he just decided to end things.

 

We were together for five years.

He broke my heart.

I miss him a lot.

 

I will be looking for emotional maturity in any guys that I meet in the future... though I don't see myself looking for some time to come.

[BlueEagle]

I know what you mean, especially about the part about fighting over something stupid and wanting to win the argument and be right. What's interesting though is my ex was that person. She was stubborn to the point where she wouldn't back down even if she was wrong so I oftentimes just let it go. Seeing her get worked up over something trivial wasn't worth more tension.

 

I can understand if alarms go off upon finding out that your partner isn't as relationship-experienced as you'd like, but given this new revelation wasn't discovered until we were already into our exclusive relationship. It's not like we were dating and this question came up and then she decided not to date me anymore (that I'd understand -- I wouldn't like it, but mutual feelings wouldn't have been invested at that point). We were spending so much time together at my place (never at her's -- she still lived at home with her parents, to which I never judged her on) that it seemed like we were practically living together. In an exclusive relationship I don't know why she wasn't curious as to WHY I hadn't been in lengthy long-term relationships. She never once asked me that. At that point I was too hurt to even want to open up because of the way she was sniping at me so I shut down. It wasn't the best thing to do and my own inexperience did contribute to that lack of conflict resolution skills (and she was no better either especially with all her experience), but instead she resorted to assumptions and wasn't interested in truly understanding why this was in my past (she would later ask me questions but never about why, but instead almost like interrogating me about what I was looking for in a relationship and veering off to other problems she had with me instead of focusing on just this one). She did ask me in my past shorter relationships if I had been the one to break up with my exes or did they, and I told her I was the one who got dumped and she told me she has always been the dumper (I think prior to that, during our fight, she felt I was going to break up with her). Also importantly, if it was something that could be salvaged. I didn't want to throw away the relationship over a fight like this. I was supposed to meet her parents later that week and she already met some of my family and was going to meet my folks the next month. I just couldn't believe that it came down to something like this. It was all-or-nothing.

 

If the shoe was on the other foot and I told her disappointingly, in response to first finding out that she was divorced, that, "Oh. Honestly, if I knew you were divorced I might have not been with you," then she'd be hurt, and rightfully so. I'd be a jerk for saying that because even if we patched things up she'd always wonder if I would have a problem with her relationship past. It's hard to take something like back without really delving into it and trying to understand the other person's perspective and not rush to judgment and assume that they are dysfunctional, deficient, afraid of commitment, only interested in flings or one-night stands, etc. To me, to be in a committed relationship things need to be discussed when emotions cool off. Furthermore, if I broke up with her like the way she did but only reversed it by saying to her, "I don't want to be with someone who is damaged goods" indicating about her being divorced, then I can only imagine how rightfully hurt she'd be. Usually when I've been broken up before I don't get dragged through the mud and told every little thing I've done wrong, but instead she takes the high road (i.e., "You're a great guy, but I don't think this is going to work. I'm sorry.").

 

She had every right to leave if she wasn't happy. I'm not saying that. But, if this was such an important thing to have then she should have brought it up during the courtship/dating phase and before agreeing to be exclusive. The way she handled it more than merely just breaking up with me was worse to me. Of course I wasn't happy with her decision several months into our relationship and her refusal or inability to have a civil dialogue about this matter, but the worst was that some of her comments were immature, heartless, and disrespectful. My relationship inexperience doesn't define me as a person. There was something, or some things about me she liked very much to even get involved with me in the first place (and vice versa). She handled it very poorly, and this is from someone who has had so much more relationship experience than me. There's definitely blame to go around on both sides (as usual).

 

A final note: three months after breaking up with me I find out she is newly married. Three months. Married to her ex-bf whom the fight was started about. The guy she had an affair with at work while still married. The guy who she told me in great and lengthy detail about who she refused his prior marriage proposal because she felt he was so much older (about fifteen years her senior) that he "preyed" on her, took advantage of her when she was in a vulnerable state. And the same guy who filed a restraining order against HER to which she kept telling me that he was lying and making stuff up. This is the guy she's married to. And that's what started our fight in the first place. She had brought it up once before during another fight weeks prior. I couldn't understand why she was so bothered by this man that he didn't want anything to do with her if like she said he wasn't interested in him and that he was vengeful (harassing her, her family members). The baggage she was bringing into our relationship indicated to me that she was not over this man. And I think given that she married him three months after dumping me shows just that. I believe there was more going on than I really knew and she got defensive towards my lack of relationship skills and everything became intensified and exacerbated.

[Thorshammer]

To Blueeagle, in your situation, it seems more volatile that I really wouldnt think so much that your experience is to blame. When I look back at my LDR experience, i think i could have probably "saved" it, but the key word is 'probably', dont ignore the signs of an unstable relationship because you want to run on something to divide the blame with (my ex has a string of unsuccessful RS due to her behavior). It seems you (and even me) was dropped into a heated gun-fight with pee-shooters going, "pew pew...".

[BlueEagle]

To Blueeagle, in your situation, it seems more volatile that I really wouldnt think so much that your experience is to blame. When I look back at my LDR experience, i think i could have probably "saved" it, but the key word is 'probably', dont ignore the signs of an unstable relationship because you want to run on something to divide the blame with (my ex has a string of unsuccessful RS due to her behavior). It seems you (and even me) was dropped into a heated gun-fight with pee-shooters going, "pew pew...".

 

Yes, it sure was volatile. Anytime an ex comes into the picture like a situation like this, it makes things very volatile. My last relationship prior to this one I had a very similar experience because the girl I was involved with then not only dumped me via text message, but also (supposedly) because her own ex came back into her life and her feelings were coming back for him. So, after having to listen to two venting sessions from her about this ex and in full and lengthy detail, I was getting worried that this was headed in the same direction.

 

I have mulled over in my mind if I shouldn't have reacted so coldly to news of this ex (not verbally, but my body language pulled away and she picked up on it and that's how our second fight that ultimately sank our relationship) but instead of listened more attentively and not rushed to judgment. The only thing is we had been fighting weeks prior to that and she had on several other separate occasions said hurtful remarks to me about how if only she knew about this (this meaning whatever petty thing she had a problem with me) before; meaning, if only she knew about this particular bad habit or behavior she wouldn't have been with me. After a while those kind of statements weigh you down and resentments build. Certainly they build more intensely if the air isn't cleared about it either. That's something I did not do. I naively didn't confront these confusingly hurtful remarks and chose to let them go hoping that it would blow over. Admittedly, that's where my relationship inexperience may have been one factor in contributed to some of our problems. I know better now and I preach lovingly, tactful, and respectful communication now and am determined to diligently use what I've learned in future relationships. Conversely, she failed to communicate, too, as well as to articulate to when her needs were not being met. That's not so much having to be a "teacher" as it is being comfortable/capable/willing to communicate your needs and especially if and when they're not being met thus ensuring a constructive, conflict-resolving dialogue. Mindreading is a listening block that only serves to sabotage a relationship.

 

But going back to my volatile situation, I do believe that was a significant impediment in terms of emotional intimacy and the overall health of the relationship. I really do think her sniping at me was heightened because of this ex getting involved. I think her emotions were all over the place and she was, at times, hypersensitive to some things I would do or say and would react angrily (e.g., her calling me "boring," "stupid," "crazy," "insane," and things like, "If only I knew this about you before..."). I had no idea why she was blowing up over seemingly little stuff: neither one of us communicated lovingly. There were too many assumptions and resentments. I even asked her when she first told me about this man after a fight and how she said a cop was involved in calling her and leaving messages on behalf of this jilted ex (but didn't reveal to me until our next big fight, that ended our relationship, that he had filed a restraining order against but that he was "lying" and "making things up") if she liked him. If she would have told me yes then the relationship wouldn't have worked for us. I didn't want to be put into another situation where an ex comes out of nowhere and steals my girlfriend away from me. She told me no, she didn't like him, that she was ignoring him. I couldn't understand why a restraining order, if bogus like she claimed, was causing so much stress if he was indeed this menacing ex who did so much to torment her. A restraining order means you can't have any contact -- shouldn't that be a good thing if he's lying and harassing her and her family? The red flags started to come up. And her telling me that he got jealous and angry once he saw our pictures together on Facebook (including my profile). I just felt that there was a third party involved in our relationship (again) and I was going to get screwed over (again). She never reassured me about how she wanted to be with me and not him after telling me in so much detail and length about this interfering ex; I felt like something was fishy. He got in the picture, yes, and he's to blame, but so is she because she allowed him to. The baggage she was bringing in our new relationship was just utterly unbelievable. I think she got very scared that because since I didn't have much relationship experience that could potentially cause a roadblock to her immediate desire of getting married and having kids. Interestingly enough, her sister (and brother-in-law) whom she is very close to defended me and told her that it's good I didn't have relationship experience because that meant I didn't have baggage. She recited what her sister said to me but didn't seem like she was fully convinced.

 

So yes, I do believe in the grand scheme of things it had more to do with the volatility of our relationship from her past unresolved baggage that significantly damaged our relationship than my limited relationship past. I'm not saying I'm blameless in this because I know I did do things that didn't help, but without this ex butting into our relationship and her allowing him to wreak havoc it might not have been so disastrous. Perhaps I could have done more to ride it out and been more supportive; I don't know. I just know that my resentments were growing and I felt like she didn't want to be with me. When she broke up with me she told me she's looking for someone who has the same relationship background as her and that she wanted to get married and have kids. Three months later and she marries this very ex who caused all the problems in the first place. I think based on those comments at that time she was already reconciling with him, or possibly already with him (plus it usually takes months to plan a big wedding). I conclude that she wanted to be married and start a family so badly and more than anything else, and didn't want to waste valuable time having a relationship with me that would probably take a longer amount of time to get to the point of marriage. I tend to think I was right in that assessment.