Women...men in their 40's, never engaged, married, no kids, etc.

[Batya33]

I've always wondered though...why does a man/woman with 0 experience raise a red flag to begin with? It seems pointless unless there were personality traits that led them to remain that way.

 

It raises a red flag, to me, if the person claims that a serious relationship was his top priority and he reaches age 40 with never having had one (whether married or not -something long term).

[Ms Darcy]

I'm curious as to what you girls would think about a 27 year old guy who has no relationship experience and never had a girlfriend because he has experienced nothing but rejection, bad luck and simply didn't attract any interest from girls at all. The effort is there and I've tried for an entire lifetime.... it just doesn't work for me.

 

Major red flag? As I fit the criteria above, I don't want anyone to know about this, as I find this shameful and embarrassing. It appears that most girls will run away if they found out.

 

I am my bf's first gf and he's 28. It's not a big problem. I was a little concerned at the beginning that he would not be interested in marriage etc because of his lack of experience. He is very committed, though, and a very positive person so that really allayed any concerns.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am my bf's first gf and he's 28. It's not a big problem. I was a little concerned at the beginning that he would not be interested in marriage etc because of his lack of experience. He is very committed, though, and a very positive person so that really allayed any concerns.

 

Not sure why a person with no experience would be less interested in marriage than someone with experience. I seem to read a lot of posts on this forum from men and women who are upset that their very experienced partner is not interested in marriage (at least to them).

 

There are too many assumptions about inexperienced people when the issues are really a function of character rather than experience.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think this interaction gives you a clear indication about why SHE is divorced! She is making you out to be the freak...and yet look at her. A decent person would not behave like her. Clearly relationship and marriage experience didn't teach her how to be gracious and kind and tolerant and accepting of other people's life experiences!

[Ms Darcy]

Not sure why a person with no experience would be less interested in marriage than someone with experience. I seem to read a lot of posts on this forum from men and women who are upset that their very experienced partner is not interested in marriage (at least to them).

 

There are too many assumptions about inexperienced people when the issues are really a function of character rather than experience.

 

Guys in this forum and real life do express a desire for "relationship experience" before marriage. So, one can wonder if the guy sees you as a marriage partner or just an opportunity to get started on the relationship train.

 

But obviously we talked so it's not an issue. I should clarify that it was a concern and not an assumption.

[Ascendant]

Anything that people don't understand because it goes against what society dictates as "normal" will be viewed as a red flag about someone. Plenty of scientists were ridiculed for their ideas because they want against established thoughts. The most recent Nobel prize winner for chemistry was originally ridiculed for his findings because they contradicted what notable people thought at the time. There will always be value judgements made about people who don't follow the crowd.

 

That makes sense, it's funny yet sad because the person is in no shape to judge another by their relationship status...there are way too many variables to pinpoint why this person has no relationships thus far in his/her life.

 

It raises a red flag, to me, if the person claims that a serious relationship was his top priority and he reaches age 40 with never having had one (whether married or not -something long term).

 

First, ask yourself why it carries a red flag...To the people that have eliminated single 40ers and up, I can bet that the good portion of them will say that they haven't been given a chance to prove that they can be the loving man/woman that one desires. But then again, you may have perfectly justifiable reasons as to why you think that way. The reason why I questioned that it should never be a red flag is because it's unfair to both sides of the equation...And I would be pissed off if I were in that position and women were continually rejecting me for such a mundane reason...I know I shouldn't be mad, but it's downright disgusting and hypocritical to see the good people left behind while they go after ones that look appealing at first sight but later find out to be worse than they had thought (and to complain about it...).

 

So yeah, I always wonder why it's a red flag...

 

EDIT:

 

Not sure why a person with no experience would be less interested in marriage than someone with experience. I seem to read a lot of posts on this forum from men and women who are upset that their very experienced partner is not interested in marriage (at least to them).

 

There are too many assumptions about inexperienced people when the issues are really a function of character rather than experience.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I will also add that lots of men and women are so desperate for relationship experience just to say they had it in order to "fit in" that they accept being in a bad relationship just to say they have had experience. Just because someone has experience, doesn't mean they had a good and loving experience. I know plenty of women and men who made it their life mission to find relationships..and they did...crappy one after crappy one. So assuming the superiority of someone who ran around looking for relationships vs someone who wanted one but couldn't find one, is only looking at things very superficially. It is looking at quantity rather than quality. Some people will date and have relationships with most anyone just to say they have had relationships..while others need to find someone special. Finding someone special is a lot harder to do.

[Batya33]

"First, ask yourself why it carries a red flag...To the people that have eliminated single 40ers and up, I can bet that the good portion of them will say that they haven't been given a chance to prove that they can be the loving man/woman that one desires. But then again, you may have perfectly justifiable reasons as to why you think that way. The reason why I questioned that it should never be a red flag is because it's unfair to both sides of the equation...And I would be pissed off if I were in that position and women were continually rejecting me for such a mundane reason...I know I shouldn't be mad, but it's downright disgusting and hypocritical to see the good people left behind while they go after ones that look appealing at first sight but later find out to be worse than they had thought (and to complain about it...).

 

So yeah, I always wonder why it's a red flag"

 

To me red flag means it requires explanation. I dated someone who claimed to have marriage as his top priority -he was good looking, smart, successful, family oriented and early 40s when I met him. We dated about 6 weeks -I think he'd had one, one year relationship. It was obvious to me within 3 weeks what the issue was (extreme insecurity conveyed in controlling behaviors). In the last 6 years he's dated a number of people I know and my impressions were echoed with other issues added (he's now in his late 40s, no serious relationship from what I know since then either). I also felt I had to explain, in my 30s, why I hadn't been "snapped up" as some put it despite wanting badly to be married. In hindsight, part of the reason was that I got in my own way and part of it was that the dating scene is tough!

If a man in his 40s said he'd never wanted a serious relationship then I wouldn't necessarily see it as a red flag but I would have seen it as incompatible with me -because I didn't want to start out with someone who had had that mindset for that many years -at least I don't think I would. But he would have been perfect for a woman who'd also only recently decided she wanted a serious relationship. Maybe that does sound rigid but once I was in my 30s and that clock was ticking I had to be selective about who was a good bet to want the same things I wanted. In my 20s it was different (but then a 40-something would have been too much of an age gap).

 

I don't think someone in his or her 40s should be surprised at being asked why he/she is single if he expresses that he really wants to be married.

[jonny15]

Not sure why a person with no experience would be less interested in marriage than someone with experience. I seem to read a lot of posts on this forum from men and women who are upset that their very experienced partner is not interested in marriage (at least to them).

 

There are too many assumptions about inexperienced people when the issues are really a function of character rather than experience.

 

 

To be fair, alot of people feel like that have missed out on alot in life, and being in relashionships is a part of most peoples lives. So they might want to experience more than one, because it's not a given that the first one is the right one.

 

That and not everyone is interested in getting married.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

To be fair, alot of people feel like that have missed out on alot in life, and being in relashionships is a part of most peoples lives. So they might want to experience more than one, because it's not a given that the first one is the right one.

 

That and not everyone is interested in getting married.

 

Yes, but someone who is older and hasn't had one might actually be more in tune with what they want and don't want. They don't just grab anyone to have someone. They might be looking for the one and only rather than the many that a lot of people want. Also, many people who have had plenty of relationships are still looking over their shoulder for someone new and exciting.

[Batya33]

Yes, but someone who is older and hasn't had one might actually be more in tune with what they want and don't want. They don't just grab anyone to have someone. They might be looking for the one and only rather than the many that a lot of people want. Also, many people who have had plenty of relationships are still looking over their shoulder for someone new and exciting.

 

They might or they might be desperate or overly picky -I don't think you can make those assumptions based on age or experience when it comes to adults. I do think it's reasonable to question someone who claims,for the last 20 years or so, to strongly desire to be married or be in a long term relationship but in those 20 years has never had a serious relationship. Often the answers are telling or the answer is that the claim to want a relationship is words not consistent with actions.

[CatchersRye]

To be fair, alot of people feel like that have missed out on alot in life, and being in relashionships is a part of most peoples lives. So they might want to experience more than one, because it's not a given that the first one is the right one.

 

That and not everyone is interested in getting married.

 

I'm 29 and currently enjoying my first committed relationship. Prior relationships just never got to the point i think where we talked about our past experiences, we just talked about each other and our interests.

 

The longer someone grows up not dating anyone, the more than feel like something is wrong and that the next person is expecting some level of experience.

 

But you can only be yourself, if they don't like that, then don't be with them. Being in a relationship for the sake of it is like wanting to get "rid" of your virginity. It's only an issue to you. For the right person, it won't be.

 

You just have to ask, whether you are willing to go the distance for what you want. Being different from others because you have been looking for something they never had, is not your fault.

 

You either stand by your beliefs or let them falter for the sake of reaching whatever goal you feel is that important.

 

While I did want to have a relationship in high school and college, my peers at the time weren't looking for what I wanted. They wanted to drink and have a blast.

 

I'm a fun person, but I don't drink. That has been something I had to work around to find others that didn't enjoying drinking for an activity. And I would rather still be single, than losing myself to the conformity of the masses.

 

As someone with little (but growing) experience, I am so appreciative of having find someone. Wherever it may lead, I'm along for the ride.

[Batya33]

From your example- I had the same issue as a teenager -young 20s -didn't drink or take illegal drugs and many of my peers did. But since having a relationship was a top priority for me I made the effort to go to places and get involved in activities where I could meet like-minded people -especially in my 20s (a little harder as a teenager because of restrictions on freedom/travel). Now it could be that it wasn't a top priority for you and that's cool but especially in your 20s the "no one around me has anything in common with me" doesn't sound like the real reason (or a good excuse) to me. I'm glad you met someone you like!

[jacqueline45]

I would rather date a divorced, previously engaged guy. Guys never been married, engaged or nothing. I have had long term relationships. Guys that have had neither I am leery of. Guys may feel the same about woman. Guys I have on either end of the spectrum had issues too. So it just depends. But I like the ones who have had the experience because they seem to want to be in a commitment and are looking for another partner to marry.

[jonny15]

Yes, but someone who is older and hasn't had one might actually be more in tune with what they want and don't want. They don't just grab anyone to have someone. They might be looking for the one and only rather than the many that a lot of people want. Also, many people who have had plenty of relationships are still looking over their shoulder for someone new and exciting.

 

How would someone be more in tune with what they really want in a relshionship if they've never had one?

 

I sure as heck don't know since i've never had one.

[jonny15]

But you can only be yourself, if they don't like that, then don't be with them. Being in a relationship for the sake of it is like wanting to get "rid" of your virginity. It's only an issue to you. For the right person, it won't be.

 

I don't recall saying anything in that post about virginity.

 

But to get the relashionship experience, your gonna have to be in them to atleast get some practice in.

 

You just have to ask, whether you are willing to go the distance for what you want. Being different from others because you have been looking for something they never had, is not your fault[/QUOTe]

 

What is it that they've never had?

 

You either stand by your beliefs or let them falter for the sake of reaching whatever goal you feel is that important.

 

What beliefs?

 

I also never have and never will be involved in drinking.

 

Drunk people are no appealing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How would someone be more in tune with what they really want in a relshionship if they've never had one?

 

I sure as heck don't know since i've never had one.

 

Age and wisdom and looking at what is out there. You don't have to experience something to know what you do or don't want. It is about knowing and understanding yourself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would rather date a divorced, previously engaged guy. Guys never been married, engaged or nothing. I have had long term relationships. Guys that have had neither I am leery of. Guys may feel the same about woman. Guys I have on either end of the spectrum had issues too. So it just depends. But I like the ones who have had the experience because they seem to want to be in a commitment and are looking for another partner to marry.

 

Plenty of divorced guys just want to play the field. In fact, some are so jaded about relationships that they are not looking for marriage at all...just a "you will do for now" girlfriend. You can't make generalizations about divorced people any more than you can make generalizations about never married or engaged people.

[jonny15]

Age and wisdom and looking at what is out there. You don't have to experience something to know what you do or don't want. It is about knowing and understanding yourself.

 

I dunno. I know what some of my turns offs are, but you have to comprimse on some stuff.

 

I just wouldn't know all of what i'd want in a woman.

 

The only way to really know what you want in a person, and in a relashionship is to experience.

 

Just reading these forums you see that from people who think they want one thing, then find out they really wanted another.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I dunno. I know what some of my turns offs are, but you have to comprimse on some stuff.

 

I just wouldn't know all of what i'd want in a woman.

 

The only way to really know what you want in a person, and in a relashionship is to experience.

 

Just reading these forums you see that from people who think they want one thing, then find out they really wanted another.

 

There are plenty of people, now and in the past who have only had one relationship and got married to the person...and are very happy. Variety doesn't necessarily mean you know what you want and don't want. Often people end up going for the same kind of person over and over again. Many people who have had multiple relationships still have no clue what they want.

[jonny15]

There are plenty of people, now and in the past who have only had one relationship and got married to the person...and are very happy. Variety doesn't necessarily mean you know what you want and don't want. Often people end up going for the same kind of person over and over again. Many people who have had multiple relationships still have no clue what they want.

 

All of that is true. But most people do not just date one person and live happily ever after.

 

If you win the lottery. It's probably gonna be after you've bought several tickets over the years before you get lucky enough to pick the right numbers.

 

Most don't win the first time.

[Ascendant]

How would someone be more in tune with what they really want in a relshionship if they've never had one?

 

I sure as heck don't know since i've never had one.

 

It's also the same as saying "how would someone be in tune if they are continually changing relationships?" What I mean by that is, you have the ones that learn from their mistakes (fair enough), but you also have the ones that are bonafide sex machines, uncommitted S.O.'s, abusive S.O.'s and a whole plethora of issues...you wouldn't expect them to be in tune given their issues.

 

Just like you, I haven't had one thus far in life...but just looking at my friends relationships and hearing their complaints has already helped me prepare for them when they do happen to me (again, that's only in theory...won't know until I see for myself).

 

 

I would rather date a divorced, previously engaged guy. Guys never been married, engaged or nothing. I have had long term relationships. Guys that have had neither I am leery of. Guys may feel the same about woman. Guys I have on either end of the spectrum had issues too. So it just depends. But I like the ones who have had the experience because they seem to want to be in a commitment and are looking for another partner to marry.

 

But doesn't that give the divorced, previously engaged guy all the more reason to be leery of? At face value they may seem to want a commitment, but then again you never really know until you know their past, because you may be opening a Pandora's Box here.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

All of that is true. But most people do not just date one person and live happily ever after.

 

If you win the lottery. It's probably gonna be after you've bought several tickets over the years before you get lucky enough to pick the right numbers.

 

Most don't win the first time.

 

Forget about most people...there are always exceptions to what "most people" do. You never know what life has in store. However, going into a relationship with the thought that you have to sample many in order to figure it out, may end up causing you to walk away from the person who could make you the happiest. In other words, when you have a relationship, you should be focusing on the person, not on the actual experience that you have to check off your checklist. If you go into a relationship thinking it is just for practice and there is a whole world of women you must sample before you figure it out, you may end up throwing away the perfect person for you.

[lavenderdove]

No, not a red flag in itself... I know plenty of people who don't marry until their late 30s or 40s because they are very involved with their work or other things. In fact, I know a woman in her mid-50s who just married a guy her own age who had never been married and he is honestly the best husband around and she thinks she's won the lottery to marry him! His circumstance was he was very busy with his career, then his mother got a long term chronic illness that needed constant care and attention and he spent his time outside work caring for her until she died, over 20 years of caring for her. So he is a lovely, kind, caring and energetic man whose circumstances precluding marrying earlier because of his work and family commitments.

 

And i know a lot of people who marry in theirs 40s and beyond. A man i worked with just married at around 48. And another woman I know married in her 50s to a guy she's known since she was a child, then one day they just woke up and realized they were in love and married.

 

So you have to look at the other circumstances involved and don't just judge based on age. I'd say a man in his 40s and never married is a far better risk than a man divorced 3 or 4 times! Perhaps he is very thoughtful and won't commit unless he feels it is right. But look at all the circumstances when making that decision (i.e., are there 'real' problems like he's a druggie, or never grew up or whatever).

[Batya33]

Yes I agree- what I find interesting are those posters who write that it is not a red flag even if the 40-something man claims to have wanted marriage or a serious relationship very badly for the last 20 years and has had no long term relationship. That would concern me (and at least in the city where I did my dating it was easier for men to meet women than the other way around -although that would be a minor factor in my thinking).