Women...men in their 40's, never engaged, married, no kids, etc.

[iwishiknew]

I'm 33 and I never had a gf or a relationship. I wonder how well will I do in a relationship without having any experience?

[Huntress0527]

I know this thread is kind of old but I'll throw in my .02. My husband was mid 30s when I met him. Never engaged, never married (happy about that!), and no kids (even happier about that one!) and he is the best man I've ever known. Obviously because I married him. It isn't that guys that age without those experiences are pathetic; they are just picky or haven't had any luck.

[BlueEagle]

I'm 33 and I never had a gf or a relationship. I wonder how well will I do in a relationship without having any experience?

 

Everyone's got to start somewhere.

[BlueEagle]

I know this thread is kind of old but I'll throw in my .02. My husband was mid 30s when I met him. Never engaged, never married (happy about that!), and no kids (even happier about that one!) and he is the best man I've ever known. Obviously because I married him. It isn't that guys that age without those experiences are pathetic; they are just picky or haven't had any luck.

 

Well said, Huntress. I agree with you, although I think it also could be because of other reasons than just being picky or not having luck. Maybe he was focused on his schooling/career, or he had a medical issue, or he had anxiety/shyness growing up? It could be any number of reasons and that's why if it's really such a concern, or big deal, to the woman that she tactfully ask and not interrogate or even assume. Sincerely trying to understand something with an open mind that is unusual to someone else is actually a very good quality to have and doesn't reek of being judgmental by making him feel weird about himself, or some kind of outcast. Besides, I think there are far, far worse things in someone's past than a limited one.

[oldenoughtoknow]

What about men in their 40's, never engaged, married, no kids, etc....I'd approach the subject in the same manner as someone who's been married five times and has eight kids with six different women (or, you know, whatever). Because their life's path has been a bit out of the norm, you need to ask a lot of questions. Then ask yourself if their answers make sense to you. Can you see it happening? Can you see yourself doing something similar, given the situation? If you can, then there may be something worth pursuing. Just keep your eyes open to make sure their talk matches their walk.

[piruru]

I know quite a number of women in the 30s and 40s who have never been in a relationship, no experience whatsoever. I don't think that in itself is a red flag but more the things associated with being single for such a long time. You wouldn't have a clue how to be with anyone else.

 

Because of their lack of experience, they have become a lot more intolerant, selfish to a degree and more set in their ways. They are unable to cope with being with another person and the perceived "loss of freedom." And as someone else previously said, emotionally immature.

 

Not to mention, after all those years being alone, they must be pretty scared of being with someone else and hence don't really try.

[LostOne01]

So what if they don't really try? Doesn't mean they won't make a good relationship partner. Maybe they just haven't found a partner that suits them. I'd rather be with someone who hasn't had anyone than someone who has a wide history of failed relationships, flawed, and tainted. One doesn't need to have a series of failed relationships in order to be a good relationship partner. If they decide they don't need anyone in their personal lives then selfish they are. Good for them, nothing wrong with it.

[pcmodemtcg]

Well, I am 39 years old and I have never had a girlfriend before, so by the comments I see here, I guess I should just figure it is over for me. I have felt that most people really deep down figure there must be something wrong with me, and they are somewhat correct. I guess I will finally share that I was molested when I was still under 10 years old and outright beaten and raped when I was 14 by a neighborhood teen who was about 18. I know there are probably women who had that kind fo thing happen to them, and for sure it is absolutely a horrible thing, but for a man, it makes you feel inhuman and I became more withdrawn from human contact.

 

It did not help that I was was never ever the popular kid anywhere I went, had a host of medical issues crop up from 18-22, lost everything I owned in a hurricane and was forced to abandon any college plans I might have had to work to live. I spent my 20's past that taking care of my grandmother (who took care of me when I was incapacitated) so I missed out on all those parties and cool things people did in their 20's.

 

I have finally recently found just enough courage to ask one girl on a date, which I got the impression she wasn't interested.

 

I always figured, by the time you get as old as I am now and it hasn't happened for you, it probably is too late to think about a wife and kids, all the normal things others seem to have had. I wish that there was someone out there that I was attracted to that would give me a chance, however I am not rich or good looking which (let's be honest) is who gets the women. Reading the responses here pretty much helps confirm what I believe. Oh I know, some of you will write and say the "proper thing", the "well I am the saint who overlooks these flaws in people" and maybe there are a precious few who would, but the majority of society today wouldn't and I think that we all deep down pretty much know it.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[LostOne01]

First off I just want to say that is horrible what you went through, and I think the fact that you're still living shows you still have a shot at finding someone who will love you and cherish you.

 

I don't mean to "sound" like an idiot but maybe it's just me-I believe that no matter who got hurt there's still someone out that will love unconditionally.

 

Anyway sorry for going a little off-topic.

 

Take care.

[lalalollipops]

I don't think you should feel bad or ashamed in anyway. I know how early experiences and traumatic ones can really affect somebody for a very long time. The scars just don't fade that quick and since it happened to you as a child I can imagine it was really damaging.

 

I've been sexually abused several times =/ when I was around 5, don't have a vivid memory of it but I only realised when I was around 10? Think the mind blocks memories like that fortunately at times.

 

You've still got time to find a great woman and have a fulfilling relationship, don't feel bad, I'm sure there will be right girl out there for you. You just haven't met her yet that's all.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I don't think you should feel bad or ashamed in anyway. I know how early experiences and traumatic ones can really affect somebody for a very long time. The scars just don't fade that quick and since it happened to you as a child I can imagine it was really damaging.

 

I've been sexually abused several times =/ when I was around 5, don't have a vivid memory of it but I only realised when I was around 10? Think the mind blocks memories like that fortunately at times.

 

You've still got time to find a great woman and have a fulfilling relationship, don't feel bad, I'm sure there will be right girl out there for you. You just haven't met her yet that's all.

 

Well-stated, lalalollipops.

 

Read through this thread and planned to post encouraging words to that poster, as I've done with others similar to him, virgin, never-been-in-a-relationship men in their late 20s, 30s and 40s, but don't have much time this week.

You stated better what I couldn't have stated. Thanks.

[pcmodemtcg]

I guess I will clarify one thing. I am not a virgin. But they were "paid" experiences, which probably makes me more damaged goods. I haven't done it in a very long time (years), but I had figured that if I wanted to experience any intamacy at all with a woman, that was going to be the only way. To be honest, I wish I had never done any of it, even though they were mostly pleasurable, I always felt at my lowest point afterward.

 

In any case, thanks for the thoughts and the caring, but I think I just might be one of those people that others want to avoid mostly. The date I spoke of in my prior post was my first actual real date in over 17 years and there were only about 3 prior to that. All one and dones, no kiss goodnight, no anything after. I thought the last one there were some signs that the girl liked me, but I honestly cannot read any of the signs, since I have no real experience doing it.

 

In any case, I will just keep on living. It is all I can do.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I guess I will clarify one thing. I am not a virgin. But they were "paid" experiences, which probably makes me more damaged goods. I haven't done it in a very long time (years), but I had figured that if I wanted to experience any intamacy at all with a woman, that was going to be the only way. To be honest, I wish I had never done any of it, even though they were mostly pleasurable, I always felt at my lowest point afterward.

Seeing a prostitute is never a good idea. Have tried to advise guys against doing that, as I know you feel worse after the event.

Same with casual sex. Immediately after releasing, I felt bad and didn't really want to have anything to do with the woman.

 

 

 

In any case, thanks for the thoughts and the caring, but I think I just might be one of those people that others want to avoid mostly.

That's not necessarily true. You can change things.

Though I dated, wasn't good at it and like many other guys, made a lot of mistakes.

 

Please take a gander at this thread I started.

[h=3]Help for those who can't get dates in their late 20s, 30s and 40s[/h]

As I know you're shy and intimidated about asking women out, the thread may give you some ideas for finding women and asking women out.

Pose some questions in the thread and I and others will try to help you out.

[pcmodemtcg]

I will when I can and thank you. Unfortunatley, my mother is extremely ill in the hospital with cancer, so it may be a bit before I do.

 

I will say that of the girls I did go see, there were several that were geniunely nice women to me (one even invited me to a get together for the loners on a Christmas which I accepted and was actually a very nice and "normal" get together), so I don't regret meeting them. But yes, I still felt like crap to be sure after the paid times. The truth is, I would be grateful to just sit an watch a movie on the couch or spend time together than anything sexually -related.

 

Ah well, I have to get going to the hospital. Thanks to you Clarence and to the rest of you here.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I guess I will clarify one thing. I am not a virgin. But they were "paid" experiences, which probably makes me more damaged goods.

Don't consider yourself "damaged goods."

Would say the same thing to a non-virgin never-married woman dating a man who saved himself for religious and moral reasons.

People have lives and the sex drive is strong, as you well know. It's hard to resist.

 

Though I lost my virginity in HS before I became of faith in college, I too found it difficult to live as a semi-virgin in my 20s.

One 30 y.o. virgin I dated @26 came down hard on me with judgement over my limited "past" (5X total, 17-26), so I've seen it from both sides.

If you confide your experience a woman you get close to in dating, and she seems "offended" by you not being a virgin, you can say you lived your life responsibly and was practically a virgin, so no regrets there.

Dare say you and me lived our lives a lot more responsibly than many guys who go from sexual conquest to conquest....

 

 

I haven't done it in a very long time (years), but I had figured that if I wanted to experience any intamacy at all with a woman, that was going to be the only way.

 

That's one reason I got sexually involved with my future wife @3-4 months after turning 30.

Hadn't had sex since 25, and really feared this may be the only pleasure I ever get out of life.

Had been a "relationship first" guy who cared about the woman's feelings over my strong sexual desires and thought God had forgotten about me as I tried to live a moral life, but look where it got me -- still single into my 30s.

 

It doesn't bother me, though, that others were promiscuous and pursued every opportunity they get.

He can nail as many women as he wants (as long as it isn't MY woman )...I'm comfortable with my life, the world and others around me, so no problem there.

 

 

 

I will when I can and thank you. Unfortunatley, my mother is extremely ill in the hospital with cancer, so it may be a bit before I do.

 

I will say that of the girls I did go see, there were several that were geniunely nice women to me (one even invited me to a get together for the loners on a Christmas which I accepted and was actually a very nice and "normal" get together), so I don't regret meeting them. But yes, I still felt like crap to be sure after the paid times. The truth is, I would be grateful to just sit an watch a movie on the couch or spend time together than anything sexually -related.

 

Ah well, I have to get going to the hospital. Thanks to you Clarence and to the rest of you here.

 

That's fine. Didn't know any of this backstory.

 

Please check out the thread I linked to.... it could help.

 

Hope you do well and get to meeting more women.

[PlayingAces]

Definitely a red flag, but not as much of a red flag as someone who has had consecutive failed relationships and/or marriages, as Crazyaboutdogs said.

[Happy Bunny]

I have a question for the ladies..what do you think of 40 year old men who have never lived with a woman, been engaged, married, etc. would you question if they are boyfriend or better yet....husband material?

 

This conversation came up at work today and many of the woman say that a red flag would go up if they met a man who has never been engaged or married and was 40 plus years old.

 

 

 

What do you all think? Any experience with this?

 

 

Thanks so much

 

 

I also want to add that i know there can be circumstances that are out of their control..and woman too can have these same issues..i have friends who are female who are single..but they had at least one long term relationship each (one engaged, one lived together for many years) and are both now 40ish!

 

A friend of mine recently tried to set me up with a guy who is 48 and never been married. That's not the dealbreaker, although it does set off some alarm bells. It turned out that this man has lived with his mother all his life--he never moved out. He said he'd been taking care of her because she's been sick...okay, but what about the last 25 years?

I couldn't be with a guy who has no sense of independence.

[Maeva]

For me it would be about why. If he is high functioning autistic, a mommas boy, a distracted genius, extremely socially anxious, thats OK.

If its due to addiction of some sort, Id red flag. Has he always just stayed home? or is he involved in social interest clubs with his own age group? That sort of thing

[wsim]

I'm curious as to what you girls would think about a 27 year old guy who has no relationship experience and never had a girlfriend because he has experienced nothing but rejection, bad luck and simply didn't attract any interest from girls at all. The effort is there and I've tried for an entire lifetime.... it just doesn't work for me.

 

Major red flag? As I fit the criteria above, I don't want anyone to know about this, as I find this shameful and embarrassing. It appears that most girls will run away if they found out.

[Batya33]

I'm curious as to what you girls would think about a 27 year old guy who has no relationship experience and never had a girlfriend because he has experienced nothing but rejection, bad luck and simply didn't attract any interest from girls at all. The effort is there and I've tried for an entire lifetime.... it just doesn't work for me.

 

Major red flag? As I fit the criteria above, I don't want anyone to know about this, as I find this shameful and embarrassing. It appears that most girls will run away if they found out.

 

I dated someone who had been in that situation -when he was in his early 30s (he didn't start dating until he was around your age) - I think the difference is that he

got good therapy before I met him so he didn't come accross as negative. We broke up after a long on and off again relationship and we both got married (to others) in our early 40s, in the same year -and yes i'd had plenty of relationship experience.

[Ascendant]

Definitely a red flag, but not as much of a red flag as someone who has had consecutive failed relationships and/or marriages, as Crazyaboutdogs said.

 

I've always wondered though...why does a man/woman with 0 experience raise a red flag to begin with? It seems pointless unless there were personality traits that led them to remain that way.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I've always wondered though...why does a man/woman with 0 experience raise a red flag to begin with? It seems pointless unless there were personality traits that led them to remain that way.

 

Anything that people don't understand because it goes against what society dictates as "normal" will be viewed as a red flag about someone. Plenty of scientists were ridiculed for their ideas because they want against established thoughts. The most recent Nobel prize winner for chemistry was originally ridiculed for his findings because they contradicted what notable people thought at the time. There will always be value judgements made about people who don't follow the crowd.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know quite a number of women in the 30s and 40s who have never been in a relationship, no experience whatsoever. I don't think that in itself is a red flag but more the things associated with being single for such a long time. You wouldn't have a clue how to be with anyone else.

 

Because of their lack of experience, they have become a lot more intolerant, selfish to a degree and more set in their ways. They are unable to cope with being with another person and the perceived "loss of freedom." And as someone else previously said, emotionally immature.

 

Not to mention, after all those years being alone, they must be pretty scared of being with someone else and hence don't really try.

 

I think that can actually describe a lot of married people I know. Selfishness, inability to share life, set in their ways, unable to cope with another person, intolerant, emotionally immature...those are characteristics I have seen in many married people or people in long-term relationships. Those characteristics are a function of who a person is, their character, not their relationship status/experience.

[friendsoulmate]

"I think that can actually describe a lot of married people I know. Selfishness, inability to share life, set in their ways, unable to cope with another person, intolerant, emotionally immature...those are characteristics I have seen in many married people or people in long-term relationships. Those characteristics are a function of who a person is, their character, not their relationship status/experience."

 

Yes. I agree. Thank you.

[friendsoulmate]

Anything that people don't understand because it goes against what society dictates as "normal" will be viewed as a red flag about someone. Plenty of scientists were ridiculed for their ideas because they want against established thoughts. The most recent Nobel prize winner for chemistry was originally ridiculed for his findings because they contradicted what notable people thought at the time. There will always be value judgements made about people who don't follow the crowd.

 

Yes. I agree. Thank you.