Sara1970

Nella Last's War, by Nella Last. Again.

'Brave New World' by Aldous Huxley.

'Life, Liberty and the Persuit of Sausages' by Tom Holt.

Just finished 'My Sister Lives on the Mantelpiece' by Annabel Pitcher... beautiful book, made me big cry. About to start 'The Handmaid's Tale' by Margaret Atwood.

The Snow Child - Eowyn Ivey

C... I want to thank you for 'dumping' me. Genuinely, with no bitterness. Because I feel as though I have been asleep for a long, long time. And I'm only just now waking up. Getting out of the house... mixing with people... making new friends. It will be a fuller life than the one that I lived with you. The one you now live alone, through choice, you big weirdo It is hard for me to make these changes, but you have reminded me that I am a strong, capable woman. I can do anything that I set my mind to. That includes getting over you. I'm on that path now, with all of it's ups and downs. It hasn't been easy, but I will get to the end of it and move beyond. So, C, thank you for helping me to find the me that I lost before I ever met you. I like her. I'm proud of her. She will do well. By herself, for herself. And she'll do it with style and with grace. (Add wine and she'll do it with merryness too!) x

The Screwtape Letters - C. S. Lewis. And Roots - Alex Hayley Boooooooooooooooks, yay!

I don't know how to do this without you.

I miss you. So much.

Today has been hard. I wanted to break NC, but came to eNA instead and spent a couple of hours reading through various threads. As a result I am determined again to see this through.

First two days were awful... day three was a little better. Starting to think a bit more positively. Though having no support, I do get very lonely and if I'm not careful those feelings can have me spiralling down, quickly. No urges to contact him though. Just wishes that I had other people in my life to talk to and spend time with.

Five years we were together. I thought that we were perfect for each other. You were the best person I had ever met. You meant the world to me. You were my Son's best friend... remember him? My autistic Son. Who lost his Grandad a few months ago. Who's Dad disappeared from his life in October. Who now has to deal with the loss of his best friend. And a heartbroken Mother. Because yes, I am heartbroken. The first couple of weeks after you left, I had to take diazepam just to be able to stop shaking and twitching and crying. I was almost admitted into hospital with depression. Now it's almost two months since you left. I still cry, every day. I still miss you such a lot. I don't understand what went wrong. We didn't have bad times. It was always special. We were good to each other, you and I. So similar. But here I am without you. And you have wiped us out of your life so easily. You're not hurting. You say that you hardly even think about me anymore. You said that it was all my fault. But you had no real reasons. How is it my fault, if - as you went on to say - the relationship had just run it's course? You want to be my friend. But you don't want to talk to me. You answer coldly when I email you. You don't ask how I am, or how my Son is. You didn't wish me a happy Birthday. I thought "maybe he will miss me at Christmas, and want me back". You didn't. I thought "maybe he will miss me at new years, and want me back". You didn't. My life is an isolated one, as a carer. But I have plans to change that. You would be proud of me, if you still cared. I am starting a course on raising self esteem this month. I am looking into further education. Voluntary work. I joined a carers group. I WILL build a new life for myself. I will become a stronger person. I will get over you, in time. I will be happy again. You could have helped. You could have made this easier on us, if you'd just been nicer about things. If there was just a hint of warmth in your replies to me. I would feel as though I had meant something to you for those years that we were together. Instead of having to realise now that you were only playing at being in a relationship. Because, despite your age - mid 30's - you had never been in one before. I don't think that you will ever find another woman, as patient and loving and kind hearted as me. Who could always make you laugh. Who never wanted anything from you but your love. But I will love again. I will. S. (Sorry for the looooooong post, just a lot of stuff that needed to jump out of my head and onto this page. Maybe it will stay here now!)