Sometimes I think it really is all about looks....

[BriarRose]

Network, Briar, network. The more women you know, the more possibility that they know someone available, the more events you can attend with friends to meet single men.

 

True. But then I would wonder why they aren't dating the available guy, lol!

[rocio]

Network, Briar, network. The more women you know, the more possibility that they know someone available, the more events you can attend with friends to meet single men.

 

That's true. But then, they'll be able to tell if you aren't sincere about wanting to befriend them.

 

BriarRose, how did you get through a battle with cancer without having a good support network? That must have been awful. I'm moved around a lot and thus spent huge chunks of time completely alone (including during my pregnancy, when I was in a new city where I literally knew nobody, didn't have the strength or energy to get out and make friends, and even my husband and family were thousands of km away). So I sympathise. You sound so beat up. I wish I lived in your city and could become your friend against your will and make you hot chocolate with whipped cream when you're feeling grumpy.

[SurfThyme]

I guess I just didn't imagine my life would be like this by now - single and lonely, a ho-hum job and recovering from cancer. Not the life I dreamed of, but I agree that there is room for change.

 

 

Is there any way you can get therapy through insurance or something? You sound like you are suffering from depression and are alone to face all your problems.

 

My cancer hit me mid-20s, I had a 15% chance of survival because it made it into my lymphatic system (Stage III-C), found that I shouldn't have children, was married less than 2 years, had a cheating husband, was told I should just die by my in-laws, and faced 3 years of recovery from the chemo and reconstructive surgeries. My entire life felt like it had been ripped away from me before I even felt like it had started.

 

I thought I could make it through without therapy and I did for years until it all blew up in my face. I hated myself, my life, my non-existent future. You sound like that old me Briar. All I can say, is when I finally did go see someone, she helped me enormously. I know that I would still be in that sad state of existence if I hadn't been able to get help when I did.

[SurfThyme]

That's true. But then, they'll be able to tell if you aren't sincere about wanting to befriend them.

 

BriarRose, how did you get through a battle with cancer without having a good support network? That must have been awful. I'm moved around a lot and thus spent huge chunks of time completely alone (including during my pregnancy, when I was in a new city where I literally knew nobody, didn't have the strength or energy to get out and make friends, and even my husband and family were thousands of km away). So I sympathise. You sound so beat up. I wish I lived in your city and could become your friend against your will and make you hot chocolate with whipped cream when you're feeling grumpy.

 

 

Count me in for the hot chocolate!

[Yaz]

I have been in therapy also, for months, which has been successful so far. But it doesn't change my view.

 

I am 26 and on the shelf, so to speak. I thought I was a prize until I turned 16 and started dating properly, then my opinion slowly changed. I think highly of myself - I love me, there is nothing more important. I don't lie to myself, cheat on myself or make myself feel like crap through neglect. But I know men don't consider me a prize and never would. Anyone who says that us clearly lying.

 

If anyone wants to know what's considered 'ugly' by men, PM me and I'll email you my picture. It's unbelievable, trust me.

[sjjohnson89]

I have been in therapy also, for months, which has been successful so far. But it doesn't change my view.

 

I am 26 and on the shelf, so to speak. I thought I was a prize until I turned 16 and started dating properly, then my opinion slowly changed. I think highly of myself - I love me, there is nothing more important. I don't lie to myself, cheat on myself or make myself feel like crap through neglect. But I know men don't consider me a prize and never would. Anyone who says that us clearly lying.

 

If anyone wants to know what's considered 'ugly' by men, PM me and I'll email you my picture. It's unbelievable, trust me.

 

You say you would send a picture to show what ugly is, i want to put you straight, youve got to stop beating yourself up about what guys want is not you bull. People like me and it seems you dont fit with most people, that means finding a good relationship is going to be harder. I could honestly see myself as the 40 year old virgin, i could go out this week and probably find someone willing to sleep with me but its pointless. Im going to wait for the right one, if that means waiting forever so be it. Youve got to take this attitude, dont change yourself, if one day you meet a guy that does actually like you, dont blow it and run. Send me a PM, youve got to stop all this negative psychology on yourself, its not healthy.

[BriarRose]

That's true. But then, they'll be able to tell if you aren't sincere about wanting to befriend them.

 

BriarRose, how did you get through a battle with cancer without having a good support network? That must have been awful. I'm moved around a lot and thus spent huge chunks of time completely alone (including during my pregnancy, when I was in a new city where I literally knew nobody, didn't have the strength or energy to get out and make friends, and even my husband and family were thousands of km away). So I sympathise. You sound so beat up. I wish I lived in your city and could become your friend against your will and make you hot chocolate with whipped cream when you're feeling grumpy.

 

But networking doesn't matter because it's not about meeting men. It's about them never wanting a commited relationship with me.

 

Yes, it wasn't easy getting through treatment alone. But what can you do? Roll over and die? You do what you have to do, I guess.

[BriarRose]

I don't feel I need therapy. I am just lonely and no pill or talk therapy can change that. In the past I have been to a handful of them, and to be honest, I thought they were all quacks. Guess I had some bad ones because they just didn't seem particulary bright or introspective and they seemed to talk "down" to me (unknowingly), like I had an IQ of 50 or something.

[bulletproof]

But networking doesn't matter because it's not about meeting men. It's about them never wanting a commited relationship with me.

 

It's about meeting men who *will* want a commitment with you. And by networking and having friends, you might be able to do that, instead of getting together with a guy from the internet who you know nothing about, and who you were the sole chooser of. The point of networking is to put ourselves in a position to let things come our way, whether it be jobs, friends, s.o.'s, whatever. I also think that perhaps guys wouldn't be so quick to let you go if they saw that you had a full social life outside of them. The pressure to be your sole form of socializing wouldn't be as high. Either way, if you are lonely, it can't hurt to have some good friends. So any way you look at it, you win.

[kelless]

BrianRose, I haven't read through this entire thread but I have this recommendation for you. If you believe your appearance is not up to par in terms of attracting men, then accentuate your personality. I am not a guy, but for me appearance is only secondary, personality is no. 1. I have dated many guys who are not "in my league" but I am still attracted to them because of their personality. I am sure there are men out there who also think the same because I often see guys with girls who are not as physically attractive as the guy.

 

So ... be kind, be friendly .... just being kind and friend can be irresistible.

[sjjohnson89]

BrianRose, I haven't read through this entire thread but I have this recommendation for you. If you believe your appearance is not up to par in terms of attracting men, then accentuate your personality. I am not a guy, but for me appearance is only secondary, personality is no. 1. I have dated many guys who are not "in my league" but I am still attracted to them because of their personality. I am sure there are men out there who also think the same because I often see guys with girls who are not as physically attractive as the guy.

 

So ... be kind, be friendly .... just being kind and friend can be irresistible.

 

Yes, BriarRose listen to Kelless.

[Batya33]

BrianRose, I haven't read through this entire thread but I have this recommendation for you. If you believe your appearance is not up to par in terms of attracting men, then accentuate your personality. I am not a guy, but for me appearance is only secondary, personality is no. 1. I have dated many guys who are not "in my league" but I am still attracted to them because of their personality. I am sure there are men out there who also think the same because I often see guys with girls who are not as physically attractive as the guy.

 

So ... be kind, be friendly .... just being kind and friend can be irresistible.

 

I think it's about approaching people with reasonable self-confidence and being kind and friendly within reason - no need to be impolite or unfriendly, but self-respect and self-confidence is a turn on. Beng kind and friendly as a reaction to disrespectful behavior is boring or a turn off - being polite but assertive is a far better way of dealing with people. Another huge plus is being a good and active listener -and being able to respond with interest and hopefully knowledge, but keeping it more to an 80-20 balance so you let him do more of the talking (also helps you get to know him better).

[Iakasot]

After experiencing much rejection after having some medical treatments which have taken their toll on my appearance, I am thinking maybe all men care about is looks (ok, maybe some women, too, but I am a woman, so am not writing from a man's point of view). Granted, I am feeling a bit low right now after sending an ex recent pics of me that he asked for and then never hearing from him again, but still....

 

I know so many attractive women with DH's or BF's and the truth is, they aren't even that good to them.

 

It just makes me sad. Just wondered what your thoughts were....I know it is the heart and mind that matter, but if no one can look past the physical, they won't know my heart or mind.

 

I know you imply it's all up to their attraction in your situation. But would you really be attracted to a man who was attracted to you right now? Isn't a part of you turned off? A lot of guys really don't care what a girl looks like as long as she's not wolf ugly and is nice/warm hearted and playful/flirty.

[BriarRose]

I know you imply it's all up to their attraction in your situation. But would you really be attracted to a man who was attracted to you right now? Isn't a part of you turned off? A lot of guys really don't care what a girl looks like as long as she's not wolf ugly and is nice/warm hearted and playful/flirty.

 

I'm not sure how to take your post. No, I am not "wolf ugly" and I am very warm-hearted. If that is all men cared about, I would have been married long ago.

[sjjohnson89]

I'm not sure how to take your post. No, I am not "wolf ugly" and I am very warm-hearted. If that is all men cared about, I would have been married long ago.

 

Men in general can be shallow, just like woman can be, people in general can be shallow. But not every guy thinks like that, finding the right partner is a hard thing to find, some wait longer than others, its luck of the draw.

[BriarRose]

Men in general can be shallow, just like woman can be, people in general can be shallow. But not every guy thinks like that, finding the right partner is a hard thing to find, some wait longer than others, its luck of the draw.

 

I don't know, I know women who are willing to date men they aren't initially attracted to (in hopes that will change), I do not know of any men who have done so. I believe looks are more important to men.

[sjjohnson89]

I don't know, I know women who are willing to date men they aren't initially attracted to (in hopes that will change), I do not know of any men who have done so. I believe looks are more important to men.

 

Well then, arent i lucky, i must be the first guy youve met thats dated women at times i wasnt intially attracted to. I dont know where in the world you are, but i cant see men being any different gentically to where i am. Yes, i will agree that men care more on average about looks than women. Honestly though, im a guy which you cant disagree with, i am not the type of person that wants to be with a woman just because she happens to be beautiful, i would take 'ugly' over 'beauty' if i were in love anyday, ive said that before on some thread but i thought i would repeat it here.

[BriarRose]

Well then, arent i lucky, i must be the first guy youve met thats dated women at times i wasnt intially attracted to. I dont know where in the world you are, but i cant see men being any different gentically to where i am. Yes, i will agree that men care more on average about looks than women. Honestly though, im a guy which you cant disagree with, i am not the type of person that wants to be with a woman just because she happens to be beautiful, i would take 'ugly' over 'beauty' if i were in love anyday, ive said that before on some thread but i thought i would repeat it here.

 

Yes, you would be the first.

[itsallgrand]

I'm a woman, BriarRose, but have something to say (surprise, surprise).

 

Let's say you were a friend of mine in regular off line life, and you brought this up to me. Number one thing I would say is: when you are feeling low, please don't torture yourself thinking about what you think other people want. Especially if you are feeling rejected by men at the moment, whether there really was a rejection or not (it could be you are being extra hard on yourself here).

 

Just don't go there right now. If you can't help it, then think of what you would answer to yourself in your more optimistic moments.

 

Point is, the most important thing is that you don't start rejecting yourself or beating yourself up over things that are not even in your control. Big hugs.

 

By the way, my personal experience with men is - most of them aren't nearly as harsh as they often put themselves out to be perceived. If that makes sense? That you can hear a lot of talk talk talk about looks being so important sometimes, but when it comes down to it, most of 'em are just looking for someone they can be proud of and love and she in no way has to be perfect! And the ones who are as superficial as making all the big decisions around looks; well who the heck cares about them anyways?! It wouldn't be healthy to care about the jerks too much, or what they think. There is no way life could be healthy trying to contort to those guys. It'd be high heels and botox into your 60s. lol. Oh how fun.

[sjjohnson89]

Yes, you would be the first.

 

Theres a first for everything i suppose. You must have met a lot of not so nice guys, or you are judging these men without knowledge of their actions. So honestly now, do you believe im telling the truth or do you think im lying about not judging women purely on their looks?

[BriarRose]

You are right - I am in a vulnerable position right now from what recently happened and perhaps is clouding my judgement.

[Iakasot]

I'm not sure how to take your post. No, I am not "wolf ugly" and I am very warm-hearted. If that is all men cared about, I would have been married long ago.

 

In my experience if a girl is overly nice, it's a red flag and there's some catch. I think some men are cautious of that, but that doesn't detract from what we're really attracted to deep down. In response to the post about women giving a chance to guys they're not attracted to, they only do that because they aren't attracted to that many guys. Guys are attracted to a lot of girls, so if a guy isn't attracted to you, you're probably in the minority, and they don't have to pursue something that's not gonna work. Whereas with girls, at some points in their life they won't be attracted to ANY guys, so their only option is to date someone they're not attracted to or not date at all. It's not that women are "deeper", because those relationships where they're not attracted to the guy don't work out. Attraction doesn't just magically appear if you don't respect the guy to begin with and don't see him as a man. I think you misidentify warmness. Part of warmness for men is being desired by the woman (romantically and sexually), and her willing to act on those desires, otherwise how is she different from any other girl?

[BriarRose]

I agree with this - men are attracted to far more women than women are men. I think the average man dates more than the average woman does, partly for this reason.

 

And I would never expect a man to want to date me if he wasn't attracted to me. Even if he was willing to, I wouldn't want someone who didn't find me attractive.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I'm not sure how true this is in general, but I know that I'm attracted to less than 10% of men. I hate that I feel this way, but I can't change it. I do know a lot of girls who date a lot of guys and are much less pickier tho.

[sjjohnson89]

I agree with this - men are attracted to far more women than women are men. I think the average man dates more than the average woman does, partly for this reason.

 

And I would never expect a man to want to date me if he wasn't attracted to me. Even if he was willing to, I wouldn't want someone who didn't find me attractive.

 

This is what you dont understand, attractive is subjective. When i stated earlier that i had been with someone i wasnt intially attracted to i meant intially, at first meeting i wasnt attracted, but become attracted by her inner beauty then flooding her outer self, i became attracted to her physically then because of the inner beauty. Yes, in short i wouldnt date and havent dated anyone who im not attracted to, but thats got nothing to do with the looks BriarRose.