Sometimes I think it really is all about looks....

[SurfThyme]

Thank you, Surfthyme, I just feel like at my age I have waited long enough. I mean, when is it supposed to happen? When I'm in a nursing home? I suppose if I were younger I would feel more optimistic. But most people have found by age 30-something what I have never had. Do you know anyone my age who never married for example? I only know one woman, and she is very unstable.

 

But I will still try to follow your advice as best I can.....

 

 

Briar, I was past 40 when I met my guy. Yes I was married at a young age but a lot of us think we found the right person, got married, had a family only to one day realize that we are asking ourselves why we are with them now.

 

Also, I agree with Spacecapsule's thoughts on being shy or "traditional." You should go out there and make an effort like the guy's usually do. If you meet someone who you might be interested in, talk to him, maybe not ask him out for a date, but if the situation calls for it, ask him to go for a coffee, or lunch, etc. If your waiting at an elevator start talking to the guy waiting with you, if you live in a building say hi to the guy you see daily, if you have a meeting and there's someone new attending ask to continue your conversation over a coffee. It's a great way to build up your confidence, open the doors to further communication, and just maybe one day either you or him will ask to go have dinner/movie/whatever. Since you are not directly asking him for a date and/or a wild night of sex, you won't feel rejected, you'll get to know more people, and you'll feel good about yourself.

 

I was married for almost 20 years, so can you imagine how I felt when I found myself having to start dating again at 39??

[Yaz]

I have to agree. Most men, unless they are pretty old, aren't thinking in terms of whose going to give them a sponge bath if they get sick. They want the one who turns them on, who makes them feel good.

 

I have always been the quintessential supportive girlfriend. Always there for them, when they lose their job, or have a fight with a family member or get sick, etc. In the end, they still left.

 

Don't worry - you're not the only one. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Being female sucks a lot of the time!

[BriarRose]

There is no way I am approaching a guy. I've had enough rejection - heck, I just got dumped after sending pictures to someone, there is no way I am going up to some man.

 

And while I can't imagine starting over at 39, imagine being alone your whole life? You've never really been alone, right? You started over at 39 and met your guy at 40. And were married for 20 years before that. I've been alone most of my life. I guess neither scenerio is desirable. But at least you've had men in love with you.

[SurfThyme]

I wasn't suggesting that Angelina (or whoever) would stick by their side, or that men would assume they would. In fact, I'm sure no man under the age of about 100 would consider those things if offered the opportunity to sleep with the woman of their dreams.

 

The woman of your dreams is the sexy one, the one that gets you off and makes your friends jealous. She's the one you want to parade around and show off, the one you're proud of.

 

The relationship woman, well that's just a substitute mother - men don't care about her so long as she's not too ill to cook/clean, and disappears when your friends are over so as not to embarrass you.

 

 

I can agree with what you say, I was married to that guy.

 

But I haven't become so jaded that I believe all men are like that either. I work in a male dominated field and am good friends with a lot of them and although I know they most absolutely dream about someone better like Angelina they haven't left their wives or their families for that someone "better." I joined a support group after leaving my marriage and talked to many men who would say the same thing about women that you are saying about men, except that women supposedly look for men with more money/affluence. These guys never had dreamed about leaving their wives for someone else and they weren't bad looking guys, some were definitely what I would consider attractive.

 

Trust me, I haven't figured out how to tell which guy is which, but I still believe that they are made out of more than one mold just as women are.

[Yaz]

I can agree with what you say, I was married to that guy.

 

But I haven't become so jaded that I believe all men are like that either. I work in a male dominated field and am good friends with a lot of them and although I know they most absolutely dream about someone better like Angelina they haven't left their wives or their families for that someone "better."

 

Sure they haven't left, but have they cheated? Have they had the opportunity to leave? Have they had the opportunity to cheat? How often do your male colleagues go out for a secret boys night with strippers? Or for a 'few drinks'? I'm not jaded, I'm being realistic: I am not going to be someone's all. And if I can't be that, then they can get bent. Never again. I'd rather be alone and feel like crap, than be with someone who makes me feel like crap.

 

I'll eat my hat if I ever put myself in a situation where I'm thought of as 'reliable' and 'stable' and 'the one that sticks around' and 'she's been with me so long, how could I leave her?' etc. That's just man-speak for "she's my burden to bear, I can't get rid of her."

[SurfThyme]

There is no way I am approaching a guy. I've had enough rejection - heck, I just got dumped after sending pictures to someone, there is no way I am going up to some man.

 

And while I can't imagine starting over at 39, imagine being alone your whole life? You've never really been alone, right? You started over at 39 and met your guy at 40. And were married for 20 years before that. I've been alone most of my life. I guess neither scenerio is desirable. But at least you've had men in love with you.

 

 

Your words are so sorrowful. You're right, I did have someone for almost half my life and I don't know what it feels like to have always been alone except for the few years after I left my xH.

 

Getting rejected after sending a picture is exactly why I suggested approaching men on neutral territory. I had never joined a dating site for the reason that I feel like it's a meat market. The men only care about what you look like and not much else. I honestly don't think I would expect to meet someone decent on a dating site but that is just my personal thought. One of my girlfriend's met a really great guy through a dating site but I think he's an exception.

 

How about friends? Or joining social events in your area?

[BriarRose]

Sure they haven't left, but have they cheated? Have they had the opportunity to leave? Have they had the opportunity to cheat? How often do your male colleagues go out for a secret boys night with strippers? Or for a 'few drinks'? I'm not jaded, I'm being realistic: I am not going to be someone's all. And if I can't be that, then they can get bent. Never again. I'd rather be alone and feel like crap, than be with someone who makes me feel like crap.

 

I'll eat my hat if I ever put myself in a situation where I'm thought of as 'reliable' and 'stable' and 'the one that sticks around' and 'she's been with me so long, how could I leave her?' etc. That's just man-speak for "she's my burden to bear, I can't get rid of her."

 

Yup, and it's not like they would have told you if they had cheated or were wanting to leave their wives or had some on the side....

[Yaz]

Yup, and it's not like they would have told you if they had cheated or were wanting to leave their wives or had some on the side....

 

It's nice to find someone as realistic as me. Don't worry Briar, we can keep our chins up! I take pride in my decision to be alone - it takes a lot of strength and courage. This kind of strength and courage seldom develops in those who are in relationships - because they're always leaning on their partner, a partner who ends up hating them anyway due to all the leaning. Hurrah for us!

[BriarRose]

Your words are so sorrowful. You're right, I did have someone for almost half my life and I don't know what it feels like to have always been alone except for the few years after I left my xH.

 

Getting rejected after sending a picture is exactly why I suggested approaching men on neutral territory. I had never joined a dating site for the reason that I feel like it's a meat market. The men only care about what you look like and not much else. I honestly don't think I would expect to meet someone decent on a dating site but that is just my personal thought. One of my girlfriend's met a really great guy through a dating site but I think he's an exception.

 

How about friends? Or joining social events in your area?

 

I never meet anyone at social events. And all my friends are married and they don't have any single friends that I am aware of. I am prepared to live my life alone. If I meet someone, great, but it's statistically unlikely, especially given the fact that I never was married (mathematically, odds are lower as you get older if you were never married than if you were married and divorced). In fact, I am even researching a new place to live where I can see myself when I grow old, someplace not too harsh weatherwise, since I am assuming I will be alone. I can't see myself living in somplace like Fargo all alone, for example.

[SurfThyme]

Sure they haven't left, but have they cheated? Have they had the opportunity to leave? Have they had the opportunity to cheat? How often do your male colleagues go out for a secret boys night with strippers? Or for a 'few drinks'? I'm not jaded, I'm being realistic: I am not going to be someone's all. And if I can't be that, then they can get bent. Never again. I'd rather be alone and feel like crap, than be with someone who makes me feel like crap.

 

I'll eat my hat if I ever put myself in a situation where I'm thought of as 'reliable' and 'stable' and 'the one that sticks around' and 'she's been with me so long, how could I leave her?' etc. That's just man-speak for "she's my burden to bear, I can't get rid of her."

 

Eek, I guess I just have to wait until the day I find out my guy's having an affair as every other guy out there is doing. What's the point of looking for love then? Find someone to have sex with every now and again and look for someone new when that guy finds someone better than you. Heck, don't bother with men at all - problem solved.

 

OTOH, the guys I work with and have worked with over the years talk a lot during the day (sometimes I think even more than women gossip) and I have listened to their problems at home, I have helped some with marital issues, some may have thought of cheating but never did, and with others you can just tell they still love their wives from hearing it in their voices and seeing it in their eyes. None of these women are Angelina's and their husband's don't view them as "fall back plans" for old age.

[Yaz]

I never meet anyone at social events. And all my friends are married and they don't have any single friends that I am aware of. I am prepared to live my life alone. If I meet someone, great, but it's statistically unlikely, especially given the fact that I never was married (mathematically, odds are lower as you get older if you were never married than if you were married and divorced). In fact, I am even researching a new place to live where I can see myself when I grow old, someplace not too harsh weatherwise, since I am assuming I will be alone. I can't see myself living in Fargo all alone, for example.

 

Don't worry - I'm doing the same. It seems sad, but it doesn't have to be. You can still have friends, and that's better than relationships. I always used to get jealous of the friends of boys I liked - because friends are forever and relationships aren't. Friends are close, supportive and there to help. Partners are distant, resentful and not interested in you. Well, that's my experience anyway.

 

I don't know why would anyone even want a partner? The mind boggles...

[Yaz]

Eek, I guess I just have to wait until the day I find out my guy's having an affair as every other guy out there is doing. What's the point of looking for love then? Find someone to have sex with every now and again and look for someone new when that guy finds someone better than you. Heck, don't bother with men at all - problem solved.

 

None of these women are Angelina's and their husband's don't view them as "fall back plans" for old age.

 

Ok the first statement - don't tell me I didn't warn you. That's why I'm not looking, in fact - I violently reject anyone who comes near me. The second - just wrong, plain wrong. There's a difference between fondness and obligation and love. They've become accustomed to their wives and it must be too hard to leave. They're cheating though, for certain. I've never met a man who didn't cheat - on me, or admit to doing it to another woman.

[SurfThyme]

I never meet anyone at social events. And all my friends are married and they don't have any single friends that I am aware of. I am prepared to live my life alone. If I meet someone, great, but it's statistically unlikely, especially given the fact that I never was married (mathematically, odds are lower as you get older if you were never married than if you were married and divorced). In fact, I am even researching a new place to live where I can see myself when I grow old, someplace not too harsh weatherwise, since I am assuming I will be alone. I can't see myself living in somplace like Fargo all alone, for example.

 

 

Are you in Fargo? I was just there last fall - one of my wind visor's on my car got ripped off while driving through ND from the extreme wind! Yup, definitely find somewhere warmer - with or without men!!

 

I just returned from short trip to Hawaii - I definitely recommend it if you can make it. Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous is all I can say.

[BriarRose]

I find a lot of men drawn to messed up women. They find stable women dull. My ex-ex had a history of dating cheating women. The guy after him, alcoholics. And so on. Then I come along, and it's like they got bored. I was too stable or something.

[BriarRose]

Are you in Fargo? I was just there last fall - one of my wind visor's on my car got ripped off while driving through ND from the extreme wind! Yup, definitely find somewhere warming - with or without men!!

 

Oh no, I just used that as an example of someplace where a single, older woman might have a tough time living - braving the elements and all.

[bulletproof]

I never meet anyone at social events. And all my friends are married and they don't have any single friends that I am aware of.

 

Be honest, though- are you that socially involved in anything? I think you've said that you're not. And that really needs to change. There's no way that you should be living in as isolated a manner as you are. Forget about romantic relationships for a minute- part of your loneliness stems from having a weak social network.

[BriarRose]

Don't worry - I'm doing the same. It seems sad, but it doesn't have to be. You can still have friends, and that's better than relationships. I always used to get jealous of the friends of boys I liked - because friends are forever and relationships aren't. Friends are close, supportive and there to help. Partners are distant, resentful and not interested in you. Well, that's my experience anyway.

 

I don't know why would anyone even want a partner? The mind boggles...

 

You might be younger than me. By a certain age, most of your friends are hooked up or married and they really don't want to hang with singles. You just have less in common as your life changes. They go on and have babies and buy houses and you are working 2 jobs trying to keep a roof over your head and joining Eharmony... it's not like in your 20's. It's hard to make and keep friends as you get older.

[BriarRose]

Be honest, though- are you that socially involved in anything? I think you've said that you're not. And that really needs to change. There's no way that you should be living in as isolated a manner as you are. Forget about romantic relationships for a minute- part of your loneliness stems from having a weak social network.

 

Given the fact that I work full-time, I do what I can. Sure, I could improve, but I do get out there on the weekend. I do have a weak social network, but I have tried. But I will continue to try and improve on that.

[bulletproof]

I believe that you have tried. But maybe it is time to try something different if what you were doing wasn't working.

[BriarRose]

I believe that you have tried. But maybe it is time to try something different if what you were doing wasn't working.

 

I guess I want to be in a committed relationship right now more than I want a social network. So I don't feel very motivated, I guess. I know that is the wrong attitude, though. I am just very lonely.

[rocio]

You might be younger than me. By a certain age, most of your friends are hooked up or married and they really don't want to hang with singles. You just have less in common as your life changes. They go on and have babies and buy houses and you are working 2 jobs trying to keep a roof over your head and joining Eharmony... it's not like in your 20's. It's hard to make and keep friends as you get older.

 

I'm married with a child and a house, and I enjoy spending time with single people. You shouldn't assume.

 

You should really join some sort of club. I find activity clubs are full of single women, some divorced and some never married.

 

 

To Yaz: So what if he cheats on you? You'll get over it. And at least you'll have happy memories of better times. You can't live your life crippled by fear.

[SurfThyme]

You might be younger than me. By a certain age, most of your friends are hooked up or married and they really don't want to hang with singles. You just have less in common as your life changes. They go on and have babies and buy houses and you are working 2 jobs trying to keep a roof over your head and joining Eharmony... it's not like in your 20's. It's hard to make and keep friends as you get older.

 

Then how about joining a women's social group to make more friends. I was married, then divorced, now in a new relationship but I still have time for my friends. I agree with bulletproof in saying that you have to try something different if the old methods aren't working.

 

You do sound like you put yourself and your life down easily. I'll go back to saying you need to work on your confidence - try to create more happiness in your life, outside of relationships.

[BriarRose]

I'm married with a child and a house, and I enjoy spending time with single people. You shouldn't assume.

 

You should really join some sort of club. I find activity clubs are full of single women, some divorced and some never married.

 

 

To Yaz: So what if he cheats on you? You'll get over it. And at least you'll have happy memories of better times. You can't live your life crippled by fear.

 

But I want to meet single men, not single women.

[BriarRose]

Then how about joining a women's social group to make more friends. I was married, then divorced, now in a new relationship but I still have time for my friends. I agree with bulletproof in saying that you have to try something different if the old methods aren't working.

 

You do sound like you put yourself and your life down easily. I'll go back to saying you need to work on your confidence - try to create more happiness in your life, outside of relationships.

 

I guess I just didn't imagine my life would be like this by now - single and lonely, a ho-hum job and recovering from cancer. Not the life I dreamed of, but I agree that there is room for change.

[SurfThyme]

But I want to meet single men, not single women.

 

 

Network, Briar, network. The more women you know, the more possibility that they know someone available, the more events you can attend with friends to meet single men.