Sometimes I think it really is all about looks....

[SurfThyme]

BriarRose,

 

Is your condition permanent or temporary? I used to be as pale as a ghost when I was sick from having cancer in my 20's. My family actually used to say that I looked like death because my red blood cells were so damaged that they just didn't give my skin any color. I looked like this for about 5~6 years until I got better.

 

I used makeup to help me look a little healthier. Absolutely, if you wear a blush or bronzer, only go with a shade or two darker than you are right now otherwise you'll look like you're getting ready for Halloween. Don't place it on your cheeks only, put a bit on your jaw line, forehead, and your nose.

 

As for the hair, I went through 48 weeks of chemo but I didn't lose all my hair - it just thinned out grotesquely. I managed to survive by wearing it up until it got thicker again. However, my mom lost all her hair with breast cancer and she made do with kerchiefs while she waited for her hair to grow back. She became so creative with making some really cute and attractive get-ups with her kerchiefs.

 

Also, I just didn't care that much if someone was going to find fault with me if I didn't look my best during this time of my life. Your attitude makes a very big difference to whether people find you attractive or not. Not all of us are "10s" yet there are plenty of men who find us beautiful. Even though I have nothing much good to say about my xH, there is something he once told me that had made a big difference in my life after being sick. He came to see me for lunch one day and after I walked over to him he said I was absolutely gorgeous. Not because I am beautiful but because I walked so confidently. And it's true, walk around like you belong and like you are comfortable in your own skin. I was actually almost bald, pale as a ghost, weighed all of 93lbs, and had a colostomy bag for 6 months, and I still had men whistling at me when I walked outside.

 

The other thing I want to share is not to get too jaded by what you read on here or any other forums. The men who post here (and I am not referring to every man on ENA) are not representative of all men. After I left my xH at 40, I was way overweight (depression, health issues, laziness.) Yet, my friend hooked me up with a guy she knew. He was a well-built, blondish, kick-boxing fireman 3 years younger than me. Guess what, we hit it off, had a great time together and he never criticized me for my weight. He even took me away snowboarding (I spent my time on my backside while he danced circles around me), scuba diving in the St. Lawrence (that's a whole other story - talk about claustrophobia), and a week in Virginia (nope, no bikini for me.) I have a scar all the way down my abdomen and you know what - he didn't care. He thought I was one of the bravest women he ever met for having gone through what I did in my 20's. After being put down about my looks so much by my xH for the previous 8 or so years, this man saved my self-esteem and helped me restore my confidence. He gave me the greatest gift and that was to care about myself again, to start eating properly, to start exercising, etc. We didn't stay together because it was too early for a serious relationship for me but I still have the fondest memories of him and always will. Trust me, there are men out there who will find you beautiful - inside and out.

[BriarRose]

Surfthyme, it was cancer treatment, but been over for awhile now, so not sure if my pallor will be permanent or my body just hasn't replenished yet. I do have a full head of hair now, but is short and curly - not sexy at all. Very granny-got-a-bad-perm. I maintained a good weight, but should tone up some. With the surgeries, I haven't been able to excercise as diligently.

 

Sounds like the guys really are drawn to you....I need to muster up more confidence, it's just hard when I keep getting blown off. It's like a vicious cycle.

[sjjohnson89]

Bingo. Words you've heard and read here at ena hundreds of times. The question is do you believe, truly believe in this idea or is it just some bull? I've read your other post. Your a thoughtful good-hearted person. I guess I missed the post, so I am not exactly sure what is wrong with your looks. Unless you look like Quasimodo's sister, I am sure you will find your man someday.

 

It's too bad you don't have a picture online so we could all tell you how pretty you really are.

 

You were talking to briarRose werent you? It just seems odd that you qoute me and say youre sure ill find a man one day, just for the record im a guy, im certainly not gay and am very much into woman.

 

I mean what i say on here, no pretending, staright to the point what i believe to be true for me. For me, its not bull, the interior, the heart is what im most attracted to. I know that many guys dont think like me, so im not saying here that this is true for everyone. It depends what type of person you are, how perceptive and emotionally aware you are. Most think and act purely with their eyes, i think and act with intuition, what feels right to me, whats in my heart.

[makayla]

I don't think attractive women have it any easier sometimes.

 

I've been told I'm attractive on many occasions - sometimes even as often as 3 times a week - but I struggle with finding dates. I live in a city where the local culture is quite reserved and guys are more shy and intimidated - so being pretty doesn't really help me get more dates, especially when I don't appear bubbly at first sight (even though I am a bubbly person).

 

I used to be so insecure! I was always so hard on myself... the more compliments I get, the more I want... and I doubted myself because I couldn't even find someone interested. But then things turned around when I met my ex who was a great guy and turned out that he was always interested in me, haha!

 

I don't think I'm highly attractive so being less than 100% attractive is a great filter...! That means the person really does like the 'you' behind your shell.

[makayla]

Surfthyme, it was cancer treatment, but been over for awhile now, so not sure if my pallor will be permanent or my body just hasn't replenished yet. I do have a full head of hair now, but is short and curly - not sexy at all. Very granny-got-a-bad-perm. I maintained a good weight, but should tone up some. With the surgeries, I haven't been able to excercise as diligently.

 

Sounds like the guys really are drawn to you....I need to muster up more confidence, it's just hard when I keep getting blown off. It's like a vicious cycle.

 

Happiness is patience. It will take some time for you to regain confidence. Perhaps you are feeling very low now but give yourself sometimes, exercise and experiment with makeup/hair dos and always believe in yourself.

[Batya33]

I just learned today that a friend of mine in her late 40s is getting engaged on Monday(yes, V-day!). They met and started dating within the last few months -they have a somewhat unusual hobby/interest in common and first connected through Facebook I think - he is a bit older than her; neither has been married. She has a lovely heart but I am positive she would not describe herself as a beauty - because she has told me as much many times during our friendship. She had an on again off again mostly on line "relationship" with someone in her early 40s for a few years and finally came to her senses and cut him off. Oh and she didn't feel strong sparks with this guy at first but her feelings grew over the last few months. So none of this is the typical love at first sight or involves a gorgeous looking woman. Hope that inspires.

[SurfThyme]

Surfthyme, it was cancer treatment, but been over for awhile now, so not sure if my pallor will be permanent or my body just hasn't replenished yet. I do have a full head of hair now, but is short and curly - not sexy at all. Very granny-got-a-bad-perm. I maintained a good weight, but should tone up some. With the surgeries, I haven't been able to excercise as diligently.

 

Sounds like the guys really are drawn to you....I need to muster up more confidence, it's just hard when I keep getting blown off. It's like a vicious cycle.

 

BriarRose,

 

I am far from beautiful and far from being chased by men, trust me on that! But confidence in yourself does help make you more attractive. Not in the physical sense, I can change my hair style, wear sexier clothing but I am still the same woman underneath. But good men will find you attractive because you can laugh, you are confident in yourself, you can hold your own in a conversation, you don't act like you need to apologize for your "lack of looks", you act like you are beautiful, etc.

 

The man I mentioned earlier, although great looking in physique himself, didn't care that I was overweight at the time, he loved the fact that we could have a great time together, that we could make each other laugh, that my thoughts about myself didn't stop me from doing things with him, etc. When all is said and done, I think it is the fact that people recognize that you love yourself and are happy with yourself. I don't mean in a conceited way, I mean in a "I am who I am and I still love me" way. Guys who care about the superficial only, are not worth your time because they will bail when something changes such as your looks from age, weight changes, hormones, whatever.

 

I have had my fair share of rejections in the years since I left my ex. I take it as it comes, not everyone is going to be interested in me, I understand that. But I have also had male friends tell me that they would date me if they were available - not because I am gorgeous but because they can enjoy their time with me, because I can make them laugh, because I can hold a conversation, because I have a "care be damned" attitude. These guys have seen me without makeup, seen me wearing any old pairs of jeans, seen me dead tired, etc. These men aren't young, we're all in our 40's, they don't care to impress their friends, they are happy and confident and don't need a good looking woman on their arm as a crutch, they realize that there is more to a relationship than just sex. Hell, when I am on the road for work there are days that I get only a couple of hours sleep and look like death warmed over the next day and even so I had a guy I travel with ask me out.

 

Cancer can do a real number on our self-worth, I know I was there. I had even more than the cancer to deal with because while going through my chemo I was told by my SIL that my husband's (we were still married then) family wished I would just die so he could be free of me, later I found letters that my husband was writing to some floozy 18 year-old that he didn't love me and wanted to leave me for her but couldn't because he would look bad. I was cut off from my family by distance and was all alone to deal with this. I also found all our savings gone because my xH had a drug problem that he kept hidden from me. He begged me to stay with him and I did but that was the beginning of the end for my marriage. I had all that and my chemo to deal with and fell into a deep depression that took me years to recover from. There are so many more stories I can write about how miserable and abusive my marriage was. My self-worth was shot, non-existent, gone for good I thought. But I recovered, I regained my self-worth, and today I am once more my old true self.

 

I started to see a therapist that helped me immensely to overcome all that pain and self-hatred that I allowed to build up in myself. I was where you are, thinking I was ugly, unattractive (hell my husband told me I was unattractive and that he had to take Viagra to have sex with me), that no man would ever want me again. It wasn't true but I believed it about myself. Have you ever seen a therapist to help deal with the illness and its after-effects? My cancer clinic offered free therapy for cancer victims, does yours?

 

I'm not trying to hijack your thread with my story but I want to share with you that we can go through some really horrific events in our lives and still survive. And not just survive but enjoy this life of ours too.

[Solo Pilot]

You were talking to briarRose werent you? It just seems odd that you qoute me and say youre sure ill find a man one day, just for the record im a guy, im certainly not gay and am very much into woman.

 

I mean what i say on here, no pretending, staright to the point what i believe to be true for me. For me, its not bull, the interior, the heart is what im most attracted to. I know that many guys dont think like me, so im not saying here that this is true for everyone. It depends what type of person you are, how perceptive and emotionally aware you are. Most think and act purely with their eyes, i think and act with intuition, what feels right to me, whats in my heart.

 

...LOL yes I was talking to her. Just used your post as a reference since I agreed with you. Relax your not getting hit on. [-X

[sjjohnson89]

...LOL yes I was talking to her. Just used your post as a reference since I agreed with you. Relax your not getting hit on. [-X

 

Well thats a relief lol.

[BriarRose]

Surfthyme, thank you so much for sharing all that. I suppose the illness did take it's toll on my self-esteem. I was always a little insecure to begin with (for reasons in my upbringing, I assume), and then the illness came and it was like a nail in the coffin of my self-esteem. I haven't sought therapy simply for lack of time and resources - between all the surgeries and doctor appointments. But now that all that is done, perhaps I will.

 

I have never really had trouble getting men in general , just trouble getting them to want a relationship with me.

[SurfThyme]

Surfthyme, thank you so much for sharing all that. I suppose the illness did take it's toll on my self-esteem. I was always a little insecure to begin with (for reasons in my upbringing, I assume), and then the illness came and it was like a nail in the coffin of my self-esteem. I haven't sought therapy simply for lack of time and resources - between all the surgeries and doctor appointments. But now that all that is done, perhaps I will.

 

I have never really had trouble getting men in general , just trouble getting them to want a relationship with me.

 

Briar,

 

Finding a good man or good woman is the crux of everyone's life. Those guys who find you attractive but nothing else are the flotsam in your pond and remember that. Just as it takes hours and hours of fishing to get the "great" one, it's the same for relationships. When people tell you that it takes time, it is true, it's not a line they are feeding you to make you feel better. If you want just anyone or are willing to just settle on the first that comes along you won't be happy in the long run. Finding the right person takes time and you may have to go through a lot of men before you find him or he finds you. But you can't let yourself get discouraged over it.

 

Generally, it is easy for a woman to find a man, hell my ex's new girl hooked my ex in all of a week. But would you want a man like my ex?? Maybe he is what she wants or the best that she thinks she can get although I think she could have done so much better than my ex. Oh my ex can be a real darling - so caring, so attentive, so genuine - until I married him, then he became Mr. Hyde. Over our years together, I had gotten the "I love yous", the "I can't live without yous", the "I miss you more than life itself", the cards, the flowers, etc. But when life threw bumps along the way, he became a monster - he was NOT my "Mr. Right." The point is, look at these men who aren't interested in a relationship, whether because of your cancer, or whatever, as men who realized for some reason or another that they weren't YOUR "Mr. Right" not that you aren't their "Mrs. Right."

 

It took me a few years since my divorce before I believe I have found my "Mr. Right." He isn't the polar opposite of my ex, he isn't a carbon copy of my ex but the perfect blend between the two and my life is fulfilled with him. We knew each other years ago just as co-workers and hadn't kept in touch. It took us over 7 years before we found each other again by a random act of life. If back then you had told me that we would be together today I would have laughed at you - I was a married woman, albeit not happily, but married nonetheless with no thought of divorce. But life has a way of working itself out.

 

Hopefully, life will work itself out for you too but do not get discouraged until that day.

 

Work on building up your confidence,

Try different things (hats, kerchiefs, gel, etc) to make your short 'do feel more attractive (wearing jewelry can really detract the eye from your hair),

Find the right makeup to bring some color to your face,

And enjoy your days - don't view your days only as days on which you haven't found that special someone but as days that you are happy to be alive.

 

Being happy with your life even with all it throws at you can make you more attractive and may help attract the right man not just any man.

[Yaz]

Hi Briar Rose. I haven't read everyone else's responses, but I'm here to tell you, that in my opinion - YES IT IS ALL ABOUT LOOKS.

 

Imagine you are with a guy you love, and who you assume loves you. Now imagine you are in bed, and that guy you love has been given a choice: to stay in bed with you, or stab you in the eye with a fork so they can go and sleep with Angelina Jolie for the night (or whoever). I can guarantee 100% of straight men would go the fork route. It sucks, but it's the troof

 

And that's just my opinion. You can't give me an infraction for stating my opinion!

[BriarRose]

Thank you, Surfthyme, I just feel like at my age I have waited long enough. I mean, when is it supposed to happen? When I'm in a nursing home? I suppose if I were younger I would feel more optimistic. But most people have found by age 30-something what I have never had. Do you know anyone my age who never married for example? I only know one woman, and she is very unstable.

 

But I will still try to follow your advice as best I can.....

[Sparkly Eyes]

Hi Briar Rose. I haven't read everyone else's responses, but I'm here to tell you, that in my opinion - YES IT IS ALL ABOUT LOOKS.

 

Imagine you are with a guy you love, and who you assume loves you. Now imagine you are in bed, and that guy you love has been given a choice: to stay in bed with you, or stab you in the eye with a fork so they can go and sleep with Angelina Jolie for the night (or whoever). I can guarantee 100% of straight men would go the fork route. It sucks, but it's the troof

 

And that's just my opinion. You can't give me an infraction for stating my opinion!

 

That is just not true. Jesus, I thought I was pessimistic! I'm sure none of my exes would do that, I know guys that don't even find angelina attractive.

[BriarRose]

That is just not true. Jesus, I thought I was pessimistic! I'm sure none of my exes would do that, I know guys that don't even find angelina attractive.

 

I agree. While I believe looks matter tremendously to men, what different men find attractive will vary.

[Spacecapsule]

Thank you, Surfthyme, I just feel like at my age I have waited long enough. I mean, when is it supposed to happen? When I'm in a nursing home? I suppose if I were younger I would feel more optimistic. But most people have found by age 30-something what I have never had. Do you know anyone my age who never married for example? I only know one woman, and she is very unstable.

 

But I will still try to follow your advice as best I can.....

 

Briar I have a somewhat personal question for you, and you by no means have to answer.

 

Are you an extremely shy person?

 

I have this theory that beyond about age 23 most single people both male and female are extremely shy. As I mentioned earlier I was at a singles event the past weekend, and most of the girls sat on one side of the room and kind of kept to themselves. I did not even have one women even have say hello to me. Of course I did not speak to any one either. Finally, I would consider myself of decent looks, no I do not expect women to be all over me, but I feel like sometimes they avoid me like the plague. Would a shy female avoid the male she was interested in?

 

Well at least that theory gives me hope ... otherwise I just need move up into the mountains and never be seen again.

[BriarRose]

I would say I am more "traditional" rather than shy. But yes, there could be many shy women that have found you attractive but not approached you.

[Spacecapsule]

I would say I am more "traditional" rather than shy. But yes, there could be many shy women that have found you attractive but not approached you.

 

I appreciate your candidness. Well, I by no means think traditional style is dead, but it certainly adds a new dynamic.

 

I guess I just need to get some courage, and see if that is the case. I am tired of feeling like a leper.

[Yaz]

I know guys that don't even find angelina attractive.

 

Which is why I added "OR WHOEVER" in brackets. It doesn't matter who it is, which celebrity, high school crush etc. - they'll do it for someone hotter. Their 'celebrity pass' if you will. All guys have an image of that 'perfect woman' in their head - no matter how far from reality that image is, it is an ideal they affix to women they aren't with. So, in the face of that ideal woman, 100% of men will go for the fork. I'm sure Brad Pitt would stab Angelina Jolie in the eye with a fork to be with his ideal woman (if Angelina isn't it).

[Sparkly Eyes]

Which is why I added "OR WHOEVER" in brackets. It doesn't matter who it is, which celebrity, high school crush etc. - they'll do it for someone hotter. Their 'celebrity pass' if you will. All guys have an image of that 'perfect woman' in their head - no matter how far from reality that image is, it is an ideal they affix to women they aren't with. So, in the face of that ideal woman, 100% of men will go for the fork. I'm sure Brad Pitt would stab Angelina Jolie in the eye with a fork to be with his ideal woman (if Angelina isn't it).

 

lol, that is a very disturbing image you are making. I guess you've had very bad experiences with men and I'm sorry for that, but not all men are heartless and violent like that!

[SurfThyme]

Hi Briar Rose. I haven't read everyone else's responses, but I'm here to tell you, that in my opinion - YES IT IS ALL ABOUT LOOKS.

 

Imagine you are with a guy you love, and who you assume loves you. Now imagine you are in bed, and that guy you love has been given a choice: to stay in bed with you, or stab you in the eye with a fork so they can go and sleep with Angelina Jolie for the night (or whoever). I can guarantee 100% of straight men would go the fork route. It sucks, but it's the troof

 

And that's just my opinion. You can't give me an infraction for stating my opinion!

 

 

That may be true for men who value sex above all else. But there are men out there who appreciate and understand that one night with Angelina (or whoever) will not make up for the nights that they are sick and have no one to help them, no one who will have their backs when life throws a cog in the wheel because they understand that as beautiful as Angelina (or whoever) may be she also is not going to stick by their side when they need someone to wipe their backside when they age, someone who will go to the hospital to visit daily when they are sick, someone who will stay with them if they were to lose their jobs and live in a box, etc. Because let's admit it, women who look like Angelina don't need someone who is not as perfect as themselves (sic.) The guys who think Angelina will stay by their side through thick and thin are just fantasizing and not worth anyone's time.

[BriarRose]

Which is why I added "OR WHOEVER" in brackets. It doesn't matter who it is, which celebrity, high school crush etc. - they'll do it for someone hotter. Their 'celebrity pass' if you will. All guys have an image of that 'perfect woman' in their head - no matter how far from reality that image is, it is an ideal they affix to women they aren't with. So, in the face of that ideal woman, 100% of men will go for the fork. I'm sure Brad Pitt would stab Angelina Jolie in the eye with a fork to be with his ideal woman (if Angelina isn't it).

 

When you phrase it like that, I agree with it more. It does seem like they are always on the lookout for someone "better". At least that has been my experience.

[Yaz]

I wasn't suggesting that Angelina (or whoever) would stick by their side, or that men would assume they would. In fact, I'm sure no man under the age of about 100 would consider those things if offered the opportunity to sleep with the woman of their dreams.

 

The woman of your dreams is the sexy one, the one that gets you off and makes your friends jealous. She's the one you want to parade around and show off, the one you're proud of.

 

The relationship woman, well that's just a substitute mother - men don't care about her so long as she's not too ill to cook/clean, and disappears when your friends are over so as not to embarrass you.

[Yaz]

When you phrase it like that, I agree with it more. It does seem like they are always on the lookout for someone "better". At least that has been my experience.

 

Better is exactly the word. That's the nature of men. One eye on what they've got, and one eye on what they could have.

[BriarRose]

I wasn't suggesting that Angelina (or whoever) would stick by their side, or that men would assume they would. In fact, I'm sure no man under the age of about 100 would consider those things if offered the opportunity to sleep with the woman of their dreams.

 

The woman of your dreams is the sexy one, the one that gets you off and makes your friends jealous. She's the one you want to parade around and show off, the one you're proud of.

 

The relationship woman, well that's just a substitute mother - men don't care about her so long as she's not too ill to cook/clean, and disappears when your friends are over so as not to embarrass you.

 

I have to agree. Most men, unless they are pretty old, aren't thinking in terms of whose going to give them a sponge bath if they get sick. They want the one who turns them on, who makes them feel good.

 

I have always been the quintessential supportive girlfriend. Always there for them, when they lose their job, or have a fight with a family member or get sick, etc. In the end, they still left.